


BLACK

by adVENTitiious



Series: Paint It BLACK [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Dark moments, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Marauders' Era, Non-Graphic Child Abuse, Promiscuity, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:44:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 94
Words: 283,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4339907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adVENTitiious/pseuds/adVENTitiious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black. A story of growing up and finding one's own path in life, while striving to be a good person - despite how unattainable it might seem. Mainly Hogwarts years 1-6 but follows to the end. Non-canon elements. Eventual Pairing: Sirius/Remus. *Complete*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sedated](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sedated/gifts).



**-BLACK-**

**"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." -Sirius Black (JKR)**

* * *

_Summer of 1970_

* * *

Sirius Orion Black trudged down the dark upstairs hallway of Twelve Grimmauld Place, his stormy grey eyes trained on the dark hardwood floor as he avoided the icy stares of his ancestors. He was dressed in one of his more formal dress robes, the one with the most green trim, upon his mother's request.

He tugged at the tie around his neck, wishing he could loosen it just a bit.

"A terrible shame. _I_ went to Durmstrang and so did my brothers as did my father and my father's father," a painting of an old aristocratic wizard told the painting across from him, an elderly witch with a severe but prettily aged face. She nodded knowingly as she gave the walking boy an arched look.

The young wizard scuffed his feet as he ignored the voices and continued on his way, having heard the sentiment too much that week for his liking. He didn't understand what the big deal was. His cousins were all attending Hogwarts. And even though his parents hadn't been overly pleased by the arrival of his initial acceptance letter, they had both been clearly relieved a few days later when he had received an interview.

"Hogwarts just hasn't been the same ever since Albus Dumbledore took over. You know, I always thought that Gellert fellow would be better suited for such a position, but I suppose it's a sign of the times," muttered a surprisingly young-looking dark-haired wizard in a painting to the right of the boy. Something in his voice gave the eleven-year old wizard cause to stop, and he found himself peering up at the man who looked a lot like himself. Sirius cocked his head, his silky, black hair sliding to the side and obscuring matching highly-arched eyebrows.

"What do you mean by that, Uncle?" The boy, who was tall for his age, only had to tilt his head back slightly to meet the matching grey eyes.

"What I mean is that some people, some _wizards_ are better than others, Sirius. I'm sure you know this by now." The painted wizard gave the boy a level-look.

Sirius nodded slowly. He had been taught thoroughly by his parents, tutors and cousins; purebloods were superior. They were smarter, better-looking, more athletic and much more important than wizards of lesser blood-lineage. Half-blooded wizards were a product of treachery, and mudbloods were an abomination. Muggles were below animals, parasites to be squashed and should be treated as thus, clearly illustrated by the muggle-skin drapes in the Black parlor.

The painting squinted its eyes and studied the boy a little closer. "Are you sure? You almost remind me of myself when I was young, and let me tell you," he paused and looked around at his surroundings, re-used canvas and a dingier frame than the other paintings, before leaning down and whispering to the boy, "It will only land you in trouble. Somewhere like this. Just do as you're told."

Sirius's eyes widened slightly as the painting of the young wizard leaned back and looked around with a snooty air like he hadn't just whispered such odd things to the Black heir.

The boy glanced around and noticed the other paintings watching him carefully. He smiled politely and said in a practiced authoritative voice, "Of course, Uncle. I do, and I would _never_ consider mingling with such atrocities," earning himself proud looks of approval. The young heir gave one last glance to the peculiar painting, making a mental note to visit him again before walking off at the same reluctant pace.

"Sirius! Orion! Black!" came a screechy voice from below.

"Shit." He was late.

"I heard that young man! Down here at once!" yelled the same abrasive tone, belonging to Walburga Black, his mother.

Sirius picked up his pace, resisting the urge to run, knowing it would only earn him a back-full of lashings from his mother's beloved house elf, Kreacher. He blocked out the whispers and sadistic smiles reigning down on him once more, wishing his room wasn't at the end of the long hall for the thousandth time. Sirius reached the stairway, and eyed the banister longingly before walking down the stairs at a rushed but collected pace. He heard the fireplace hooked up to the floo system flare to life in the sitting room behind the woman.

"There you are. Come to your mother, my dear," Walburga said in a suddenly sweet voice as she stood at the doorway to the now occupied sitting room with her long, thin arms outstretched and a sweet smile on her ruby-red lips as she awaited her hug.

Sirius held in a sigh and marched dutifully over to the dark-haired witch and entered the embrace without an outwardly sign of dissent, his arms wrapping around his mother and his eyes closing of their own accord as he felt a pang in his chest before warmth began to spread through it, taking its place, and he leaned more into the hug.

"Thank you, Sirius," the clipped words jerked the boy from his lapse, and he pulled back immediately. He had forgotten for a moment, the touch was customary in mixed-company and should always remain brief.

"Sorry, Mother," he said quietly, looking down at his new shoes.

"Don't mumble, Sirius," the witch chastised, before continuing in an exaggeratedly calm voice she used around visitors, "Headmaster Dumbledore is here to meet you for your Hogwart's interview."

Sirius lifted his head, peering into the room and his eyes found the wizard immediately. The old headmaster was sitting comfortably on a dark red couch with a tall stiff back. The young boy eyed the wizard carefully and received a wink back. Sirius almost let out a gasp of surprise before remembering his manners, and he stepped in further.

"Pleased to meet you, sir. I am Sirius Orion Black, eldest son and heir to the noble and most ancient house of Black," he said, bowing stiffly.

"A pleasure, Mr. Black. I am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Shall we talk?" the wizard offered, his eyes twinkling.

Walburga Black smiled graciously, ignoring her son's uncomfortable look and pleading gaze for her to remain with him. "I will leave you two to your meeting." The tall witch swept out of the room, her long black dress rustling softly as she lifted her hand and shut the door behind her.

Sirius stared at the door wistfully for only a beat before turning and facing the old wizard.

"Please, join me in having a seat, Mr. Black." The headmaster motioned to the couch and sat back down before lifting his wand and waving it, causing a curtain of pearlescent-colored shimmering magic to run along the walls, ceiling and floors, coating them entirely before disappearing.

Sirius recognized the privacy spell and walked over quietly. He sat down, leaving two cushion seats between them on the four-cushioned sofa, his chest fluttering with anxiety. He knew his parents and extended family didn't approve of the wizard sitting in front of him yet they had left him here in a room with him and were sending him to the school he ran, rather poorly according to them, for the next seven years. He didn't know exactly what was expected of him and so he settled on staring at his hands.

They had been sitting in silence for a few minutes when Sirius chanced a glance up, curious as to what the wizard was doing. The young wizard found himself looking into lively blue eyes, the animation in them nothing like the Black heir had ever seen before. He was used to dark, cold, calculating and distant eyes. The wizard before him though almost seemed to exude a light or a warmth from his gaze that Sirius found oddly comforting.

"Would you like some candy?" the wizard named Dumbledore asked in a surprisingly gentle voice.

Sirius blinked. "Yes, thank you," he responded and reached out, taking a small box from the wizard and reading the box silenty, _Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans_. The wizard frowned. _Every flavour? That's not very specific._ He opened the container and picked out a muted-green candy with light brown blotches on it.

"Oh, I wouldn't eat that one," the old wizard said quickly, his words stopping Sirius's hand holding the treat when it was almost to his lips.

"Why not?" he asked, surprised by the comment, his hand only lowering slightly.

"It's bogie flavored."

Sirius looked down at the bean, his eyebrows furrowing. "Why would they make such a flavor?"

The headmaster laughed. "Good question, Mr. Black. If I had to wager a guess, I would assume simply for the fun of it."

_Simply for the fun of it_ , the phrase swirled in his head as he studied the candy, not putting it down. Sirius felt a smile curl up the corners of his lips in an unfamiliar fashion.

The young wizard looked into his box and scooped out another similarly colored bean. He placed the box down and held a bean in each hand, offering one out to the old wizard, who smiled gamely and took the candy. They shared a mischievous glance before placing the candy in their mouths.

"Ugh, this is disgusting!" the boy exclaimed, forgetting his manners as he choked on the candy openly.

"Yes, you don't really ever get used to it, either," the old wizard grimaced as he chewed on his own.

Sirius swallowed hard, forcing the candy down his unwilling throat and watched the old man do the same. They shared a grimace before laughing together as the flavor continued to assault their taste buds.

"Perhaps another flavor to help cleanse the palette," the wizard suggested as he picked up the box from the table and tapped two beans out onto his palm. He reached out his hand and offered Sirius first choice.

The young wizard eyed the pieces carefully. _Dirty crimson, like a mudblood, or shiny green, like a Slytherin._ Sirius looked up into the warm blue eyes, a questioning look in them, before reaching out and picking up the red candy defiantly. Dumbledore smiled mysteriously and they both popped the candies into their mouths once more. Sirius smiled. _Apple crumb pie_.

Dumbledore made a face and swallowed quickly. "Flobberworm excrement," he said wryly.

The two wizards broke into laughter once more. After ten minutes and an ear-wax, cinnamon, candy floss, sausage and dirt-flavored candy on Sirius's part, the box sat empty.

"Well, now I remember why I switched to lemondrops," Dumbledore said, using his tongue to dislodge the remains of an earthworm-flavored bean from his teeth.

Sirius smiled, loosening his tie as he sat amicably with the surprisingly likable wizard.

"Well, I should be going. It's been a pleasure getting to know you Sirius Orion Black, eldest son and heir to the noble and most ancient house of Black," the old wizard said politely as he stood, his purple robes twinkling softly in the light. "I look forward to having you attend Hogwarts in the coming month."

Sirius stood. "Please, you can call me Sirius," he said, a feeling of familiarity spurring the unadvisable words from the wizard before he could stop them. He might have not been sure how he was expected to behave around the headmaster, but he _knew_ this was definitely not it.

The tall wizard smiled, his eyes lighting up again. "Well, _Sirius,_ I think you will like it at Hogwarts very much," he said warmly before lifting his wand and removing the privacy charm on the room.

The boy nodded, wanting to believe the kind wizard's words as his family's came back to haunt him. _Hogwarts? It's a disgrace! He had better be in Slytherin-_

"I see you two are finished. Will you be requiring to speak to me and my wife?" Orion asked in a deep voice as he stood in the doorway. The tall man wore all black robes, his dark eyes flitting between his son and the headmaster for an indication as to how the meeting had gone. Sirius stiffened under the speculative gaze, hoping his tie would be overlooked.

"No, thank you. I must be on my way."

Sirius was surprised to notice his father shy back ever so slightly when the older wizard moved past him to leave. _He must be a very strong wizard_ , he thought. He had never seen his father move away from anyone.

Sirius sat back down on the couch, fixing his tie and then picking up the empty box of treats he had just shared and placed it in his pocket quickly.

"And just _what_ do you think you are doing?"

Sirius stood up immediately. "Going to my rooms to change for dinner, Father," he said politely before walking out of the room and up the stairs. As he walked he pulled out the box once out of view and flipped it over to read the back. _Try our other products! Blood pops. Enchanted chocolate frogs. Animal Zingers. Fizzing Whizbees. Candy Floss._ The wizard smiled.

He had never been to a candy shop before, because his parents refused to take him to Diagon Alley, ordering his clothes by owl instead. He had been to Knockturn Alley, but it was definitely suffering from anything as enjoyable and decidedly unpoisonous as candy. The only sweets he had received were from his older cousins, and he had a feeling they were somewhat picked over. He wondered if he would have the chance to go to one once he started school. He walked past the paintings, for once not noticing the looks of disapproval he garnered as he read about a store called Honeydukes.

* * *

"My father is taking me to Knockturn Alley this weekend with him. Care to join us?" Andromeda, Sirius's older cousin by three years asked as she walked around his room, nosily picking through his things. They didn't normally spend time off alone just the two of them, seeing as how she was a teenage girl and had two sisters with whom she was very close, but for some reason she had decided to spend her evening up in his room for a change while her family visited. Not that Sirius minded, she was by far the most agreeable out of his cousins in his opinion.

"No, not really. Those stores are creepy," Sirius answered offhandedly as he lay on his bed and stared up at the blank ceiling. _I wonder if I'd be allowed to decorate my walls?_

"Of course they are. That's the appeal of them, I suppose. I just really don't want to go by myself and be stuck sitting alone when Father runs into an acquaintance from work." Andromeda pulled open a sock drawer, grunting in disapproval when she only found foot apparel and shut it back. She moved to the wizard's nightstand.

Sirius pushed himself off his king-sized bed and landed with a loud thud onto the dark hardwood floor that ran the expanse of his room. "Why don't you ask Bella or Cissy to go with you?"

"You're lucky I cast a sound-muting charm in here." The witch gave Sirius a warning look before turning away to go through his bedside drawer. "We haven't been getting along exactly."

The boy frowned slightly at the private knowledge that he would never have jumped if the spell hadn't been cast, unbeknownst to the witch. He moved over the large wooden wardobe and shrugged off his shirt, pulling on a fresh one and grabbing another tie with regret.

"Where did you get this?"

Sirius glanced up, a guilty feeling hitting him abruptly as he looked at the empty box of treats Dumbledore had given him in his cousin's hand. He had forgotten that he had put the container in the drawer, or he would have moved it when she'd first started snooping.

The wizard walked over to grab the box, but the witch held out a hand, pushing him back. "I know you haven't been to Diagon Alley yet, and you most definitely haven't been to Hogsmeade. So where did you get it?"

Sirius reached for the box again only to receive a wand to the chest. "Tell me."

He glared down at his older, but shorter cousin, wishing he already had access to his own wand though he wouldn't have known how to use it. "It was a gift and I'd like it back _now_ , thank you," he said in a clipped voice, sounding too much like his father for his own comfort.

Andromeda studied her cousin before handing it to him. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just felt a surge of unusual magic from it when I picked it up and was curious," she explained.

Sirius put the box safely in his pocket. "Headmaster Dumbledore gave it to me."

"You've met Dumbledore?" the witch asked, her eyebrows raising.

"Yes. For the school interview," Sirius said shortly.

"Interview? Sirius, you had an _interview_?" Andromeda's eyes began to study Sirius like she was searching for something she didn't want to actually find.

Sirius bristled under the unpleasant gaze. "Yes, what about it? Didn't you have one, too?"

The witch shook her head slowly. "No, Sirius. You see... Only dark-magic wizards are given interviews."

Sirius felt as if ice had begun to creep into his veins. " _What_? I'm. I'm not... You're lying."

The witch took a step forward. "I wouldn't. I didn't have one, an interview, but Bella did and so did Cissy."

Sirius looked down, not wanting to see the look of sympathy plastered on his cousin's face. His parents had been pleased. _They want me to be a dark wizard? Is that what they've been teaching me? No, she must be wrong._ Sirius didn't feel dark. At least he didn't think so.

"What does that mean exactly? _Dark wizard?_ I haven't used my magic much yet except for some accidental," Sirius said, hoping she would say she had been mistaken then and take it back. He had read about dark and light magic in their library and didn't see how a dark-wizard could be a good thing.

"It's more so about your magical make-up. You can usually tell by a wizard's or witch's aura," she paused and looked curiously at the boy again. "That's the... feeling you exude from your magical core, and some wizards can sense it better than others. A core has dark and light in it. Some wizards are an even balance, but there are others who have more of one than the other. A dark wizard tends to have much more dark magic in them from the start, and as they mature it's known to increase until it takes over almost all, or in some rare cases, the entire core. The same happens with light-wizards," she said the last part softly.

The words assaulted Sirius, attacking him viciously. _Cores? Aurus? Light and dark? Takes over_? A sick feeling began to grow in his stomach. "That's, that's complete rubbish, Andromeda. Get out of my room. _Now_."

"It's not. I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean to upset you, and I didn't mean to judge you. I was just, just surprised is all. Both my and your parents are dark wizards, my sisters too, and so are all the Malfoys. It's actually quite preferred amongst-"

"I said get out, you stupid bint!" Sirius roared, not wanting to hear her anymore, the furniture and contents of his room suddenly rattling with his words as his anger surged to life. Andromeda looked nervously around the room and then nodded, and he watched through a red-haze as she walked out quickly.

Sirius turned sharply to the mirror in his room that hung over the wizard's long dresser and began to fix his tie. She was wrong.  _She's wrong. Mother and Father would have told me about something like that. And Dumbledore was so...so nice to me_ , he insisted as the box weighed heavily in his pocket. He thought about the headmaster's twinkling eyes. _That was his aura. He's a light-magic wizard._

He flattened his tie and leaned forward, looking into his own grey eyes apprehensively. There he saw a reflection of the coldness that his mother and father had in theirs with just the slightest bit of the light he had seen in the headmaster's coming from them. _Sometimes it takes over completely_ , his cousin's words echoed in his mind. He closed his eyes tightly and pictured the headmaster's warm gaze once more and imagined his own mimicking them. He opened them slowly and looked closely, finding the same grey eyes peering back at him. _It's not true. Dark and light, it doesn't make a difference. I'm a pureblood and that's all that matters,_ he insisted to himself.

Sirius turned away from the mirror and walked out of the room, making his way down to the party being thrown in his honor, the Black heir, for his first year at school, and therefore Slytherin house, which commenced after the weekend was through.

* * *

_First Year_

* * *

"Come now, Sirius, we mustn't stop, or you might miss the train. _Train_. I can't believe they're using a muggle-form of transportation. It's a disgrace," his mother muttered under her breath as they neared the wall separating the ninth and tenth station. Kreacher walked along behind them, levitating Sirius's luggage, under a disillusionment charm as they passed through the wall and entered the magical train station of Nine and Three Quarters. Sirius thinking it felt similar to walking through the wards of his family's home, and he didn't know if the familiarity comforted or disconcerted him. _Was I expecting something different? Why would I want anything else?_

Sirius pushed away the unsure musings as he looked around the busy platform and began to notice he was more dressed up than a lot of the other wizards preparing to board. There were kids in robes already dressed for school, a minority of them had on clothes like him but they were of much lesser quality, but they hadn't caught the wizard's gaze. No, he was noticing that a large majority of the students were in casual slacks or a bluish colored slack he had never seen before. And they were wearing shirts without buttons and there were pictures on them.

He studied a dark-haired wizard with glasses closely who had a short-sleeved shirt with a dragon on it and the words _Dragon Tamers Get All The Birds_ written on it. Sirius quirked a smile that slowly turned into a self-conscious frown. He peered down at his own black suit, biting his lip nervously.

"Don't look like that. It's disgusting," his mother snapped, stopping as they stood by one of the entrances to the train. "Hold your head up and be proud. You are a _Black_. We are of the sacred twenty-eight." Sirius looked away, noticing that people had started to glance his way curiously. " _Look at me_. You are the heir to the Black fortune. You cannot afford the luxury of mistakes, Sirius. Toujours pur. Live it."

Sirius nodded, anxiety welling in his chest. He moved to give his mother the customary hug, hoping she would let him hang on slightly longer since he would be away until Christmas time.

"No."

Sirius stopped.

"You are not a child anymore, Sirius. There is no need for such nonsense. Now, go. I will pick you up for Christmas."

Sirius nodded slowly. "Yes, Mother. Goodbye," he said quietly, his calm voice belying the sadness settling in his chest. He swallowed and pushed the feelings away. "Come along, Kreacher," he said darkly, turning from his mother, and boarding the train.

He walked silently down the busy train hallway behind the house elf, who was mumbling to himself rather loudly about the occupants of each compartment they passed, garnering glances from the witches and wizards around them. Sirius put on his haughtiest look as he felt their looks darkening.

"Unpure. Unpure. Unpure. Hmmm. Pure, but.." Kreacher stood in front of a compartment, humming to himself in thought.

"Well, what are you waiting for, you miserable thing, go in already!" Sirius growled, not able to ignore the looks any longer.

The old house elf stood quietly, looking unsure as to whether he needed listen to the young heir.

"Your instructions were for me to be put in a room with only pure-blooded wizards. _Nothing more_. Now, _in_ ," he hissed quietly.

The house elf glared at him before opening the door with a wave of his hand and entering, Sirius's large black trunk floating in ahead of him.

"Hello. You're not a wizard."

Sirius walked in, his eyes glazing over the dragon-shirted boy he had seen on the platform as he attempted to rid himself of the evil house elf.

"Right up there, thank you, you vile Kreacher," he said, holding back a smile as he made a play on the elf's name.

The messy-haired boy frowned but didn't say anything.

"Anything else, Master Black?" Kreacher asked, bowing sarcastically at the young wizard.

Sirius lifted a hand, waving the sadistic elf away from him in disgust.

Kreacher turned, shot the other occupant a wary look, and walked out of the room, muttering to himself.

"Right. That was weird," the messy-haired wizard mumbled to himself before clearing his throat and smiling across at the new occupant. "Hello, I'm James Potter." The wizard offered a friendly hand, but Sirius merely stared at it before looking out the window.

The wizard cleared his throat again. "It's my first year. What about you? You look like a first year. So, you're a Black, eh? My mother is a Black. Do you want to be friends?"

Sirius looked back over, lifting an eyebrow slowly as he studied the first wizard his age outside his family and their select circle of friends he had ever met. The rather talkative boy was lanky, tall but not as tall as Sirius, had a mischievous grin, lively hazel eyes and wore round glasses. The Black heir's gaze flicked back up to the wizard's eyes, sharpening to find an abundance of the light magic his cousin Adromeda had told him he lacked, exuding warmly from them. He felt a pang from some unusual emotion clenching at his chest tightly. Jealousy.

"I'm not _a_ Black. I am _the Black heir._ And, _No._ I don't like you at all."

He turned away from the wizard, who looked like 'Gryffindor fodder' if he had to take a guess from the descriptions of the four houses, and stared out the window.

He would do well to stay far away from the likes of James Potter.

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Suit yourself," the messy-haired wizard named James Potter said with a shrug of his shoulders and leaned back, pulling a bright red duffle bag onto his lap with him that had been stashed under his bench until then. He began rummaging through it, humming an unfamiliar upbeat tune to himself. Sirius shifted but didn't look over.

The door to the compartment slid open. "Is there room for two more?"

Sirius looked over to the doorway curiously. A sandy-haired wizard stood, holding the door open, and glanced between the two wizards questioningly. A short, chubby blond stood behind him, peering around his side with wide blue orbs. Grey eyes shifted back to the former, the boy who he assumed had asked the question stood a few inches shorter than himself, had a lean build and tired-looking hazel eyes. His clothes, while more proper than James's, were clearly not newly-purchased. _Definitely not a pureblood._

"Sure, come on in," James said, interrupting Sirius's thoughts, motioning in the two boys without checking with his cabin-mate first. Sirius offered him a glare before looking back out the window to find groups of parents standing, talking to each other and waving to their children who had already boarded, his mother not amongst them.

"I'm James Potter, first year."

"Hi, I'm Remus Lupin and this is, uh..."

"P-Peter... Peter Pettigrew."

"Yes, we're first years as well," the wizard named Remus said, his eyes flitting over to the quiet boy not joining in the conversation.

James saw the glance and offered in a loud voice over the Hogwarts Express's blaring horn, as the shiny red engine began to pull noisily from the station, "That's the Black heir, he doesn't like people."

Sirius pushed his lips together firmly but didn't respond. He continued to watch through the cold glass as they pulled out of the tunnel, close trees beginning to speed by until they were more of a blur as his parents' words ran through his mind: _Purebloods are not meant to interact with half-bloods and such. They're beneath us. Only blood-traitors consort with lesser wizards._ He had been right not to befriend the messy-haired wizard after all.

"I see," Remus responded, his gaze pinning the boy in a speculative manner. "Then perhaps we should leave him alone," he said quietly before lifting his trunk up and over his head with apparent ease, putting it away on the shelf beside Sirius's, the charmed metal bars securing it with a holding spell, which was set to activate when the engine was in movement, and they continued to gain momentum, taking them further from the Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

The boy named Peter tried to pick up his own trunk but stumbled, losing his balance with the moving train, and gave up quickly. Shyly he asked the still-standing sandy-haired boy to help him instead. Sirius watched out of the corner of his vision as the wizard leaned down and picked up the trunk like it weighed nothing.

The boy noticed his watchful gaze and offered a small nod of his head in response. Sirius nodded back before remembering he shouldn't, and Remus flashed a small smile in response and then he took the seat beside James, turning his attention away.

Sirius tilted his head back, leaning it against the cushioned bench, and tried to fall asleep, wishing the trip was already over so he could be sorted into Slytherin, and meet up with Andromeda.

"I want to be in Gryffindor House. My father was in Gryffindor and my mum was in Slytherin. But I think Gryffindor sounds like much more fun," James chattered on as Remus nodded politely. "What about you? Where do you want to be sorted, Remus?"

Sirius forced eyes to remain shut as he listened, finding he wanted to join in on the conversation too but resisting.

"I don't know. I've read about all of them and, honestly, I think Ravenclaw might be a good fit. That or Gryffindor, I suppose. My father was in Gryffindor."

"I'd like to be in Gryffindor, too," Peter piped in excitedly. "But my mum and dad were both Hufflepuffs, so it might be nice, too."

Sirius heard poorly suppressed sniggering and felt his own lips stubbornly trying to push themselves in an upward fashion.

"But probably Gryffindor," the boy amended in a rush, "Yeah, Gryffindor for sure."

James burst out into laughter, and Sirius heard Remus join in with a quiet laugh.

Sirius opened his eyes and sat up. " _I_ plan to be in Slytherin. My entire family has _always_ been in the House, and so I will be too," he said in a tone he realized was much more serious than the other boys' after the fact.

"You're serious?" James asked, his eyebrows raised as he and the two wizards beside him stared, unblinking, at the until then silent wizard across from them.

Sirius furrowed black eyebrows. "How do you know my name?" he asked uncertainly, running over their conversation in his mind; he had only told him his surname, that he was certain. Although he had said his mum was a Black. Maybe she'd spoken of him before.

"I'm sorry?" James asked, clearly confused.

Sirius frowned. "You asked me if I was Sirius, correct?"

James mirrored his frown. Peter pulled out an apple and took a large bite. Remus's eyes lit up.

"Your name is Sirius?" Remus asked.

Sirius eyed the sandy blond warily. He knew he should do one of several things at that point: ignore the wizard, insult him or hex him.

"Yes. My name is Sirius Black," he said instead.

Remus's smile grew. "Nice to meet you, Sirius Black," he said warmly. James grinned widely, and Peter smiled genially, juice from his apple leaking down his chin.

The Black heir felt the sudden urge to return the sentiment. He blinked, pushing the reckless feelings down where they belonged. "Of course it is," he said haughtily, and the wizard's expression dropped.

"Oi! What's _wrong_ with you?" James cut in angrily. "You've got some ser- _real_ issues, you know that, Mate?"

Sirius's gaze flicked over to the wizard sitting directly across from him, and grey eyes narrowed. "I'm not your _mate_ ," he said, his voice cold.

"Too right. I wouldn't dream of _ever_ being friends with a _dark_ wizard like _you_!" James yelled, his temper rising quickly.

" _Dark wizard_!" Sirius shouted back, pushing out of his seat and holding himself steady as he glared darkly down at the boy, the magical train rolling along under his feet at an ever racing speed, mimicking the emotions swirling in his chest. "You don't _know_ me!"

James stood up quickly in response and took a deliberate step forward, bringing himself toe-to-toe with a glowering Sirius. "I don't need to. I can just _tell_ ," he said boldly.

Sirius felt his anger begin to grow and morph dangerously into something darker. "Take. It. _Back_ ," he said through clenched teeth, looking down his nose at the slightly shorter boy, his hands balled into fists tightly by his sides.

"No."

James shoved him.

Sirius let out an angry noise. "You _touched_ me!" He shoved the boy in front of him back.

"Guys, let's just calm down." The sandy blond's words went unnoticed when James threw a punch, the hit landing sloppily on the other boy's chin. Sirius let out an angry noise and returned the hit, it landing squarely on James Potter's nose.

"You bloody tosser!" James yelled and swung again immediately, hitting Sirius under his left eye. The taller wizard grabbed the boy roughly by his shirt, and they ended up on the floor, wrestling and kicking at each other.

"Stop it!"

Sirius felt himself grabbed by the collar of his robes and was suddenly jerked back and off of the boy, who he had just managed to pin.

James pushed himself up quickly and glared at the wizard in front of him and made to attack again.

"Don't do it!" Remus warned James as he held Sirius back with just one hand, the other outstretched in warning.

And James froze abruptly as he studied the scene before him. "Holy shit Remus, you're _really_ strong," he said suddenly.

Remus's eyes widened, and he let go of Sirius, who took a surprised step back before looking at him like James had been.

"He's right, you are bloody strong," Sirius said, forgetting that he wasn't supposed to talk to him, let alone compliment him.

Remus shrugged his shoulders and glanced away, studying the floor as if it were fascinating. "I work out," he said quietly.

James and Sirius looked to each other in disbelief. James had blood dripping from his nose, and the skin around Sirius's eye was red and beginning to swell. They broke out into laughter, their laughs only growing when Remus insisted it was true.

"Oh, Merlin. That's rich Remus, you're a funny bloke," James said between laughs.

Sirius nodded, looking over to James. "You're bleeding," he offered in a genial tone.

James flicked out his tongue and made a face when he found confirmation. "Good hit."

Sirius reached a hand up to the area just below his throbbing eye and cringed when he touched the bruising skin, sharpening the pain. "You too," he said with a grimace.

"I think the trolley is coming soon. Do you guys want to get some candy?" Peter asked, looking as if he wasn't sure what to make of the rowdy wizards.

James and Remus nodded excitedly and then turned to Sirius questioningly.

The tall wizard felt three sets of eyes on him as he considered the offer. It _was_ a long train ride. It couldn't hurt to be civil with them just until they got to school. Then he could make more appropriate friends, ones who his family would approve of. "Sure, sounds good," he said, hiding his unsureness, and he reached into his front slacks' pocket and pulled out a handful of coins, searching for some smaller currency.

"Bloody heck, are you loaded or something?" Peter squeaked out as he stared openly, mouth agape, at the money in the boy's hand. Sirius didn't respond.

"Oi," James said sharply, shooting the wizard a warning look, and Peter looked down to his lap, mumbling what sounded like an apology.

"Let's go get some candy, shall we?" James said, grinning easily at the boy who he'd just been fighting. Sirius felt himself return the infectious grin and nodded.

* * *

"I think I'm going to be sick, or die, I might die," James moaned an hour later, sounding not ironically like a dying animal, as he sat beside Sirius, head cast back against the booth, his hand clutching at his stomach.

Empty wrappers from different candies brightly littered the shared bench and decorated the floor around the two boys' feet. James and Sirius had let Remus and Peter buy their candy first and then purchased practically all the rest on the cart, excepting a few lollipops called Puke-Pops that were spelled to taste like one's least favorite food item, splitting the sizeable cost between them evenly.

"Yeah," Sirius said, with a huge smile plastered on his face, despite the sickening twinge in his own stomach that roiled slightly with each pulling turn of the engine. He'd never had so much sweets at once, maybe not even in his entire life. "But it's a good kind of sick," he said as his gaze flitted over to the two wizards across from him curiously.

Remus was reading, in obvious amusement, a book he had pulled out of his inside jacket pocket a half hour before that Sirius didn't recognize, labelled: _Haroun and the Sea of Stories._ There was a small pile of candy in his lap, only chocolates, Sirius noted, that the wizard was working diligently on finishing. Peter beside him was sleeping soundly - something stained Slytherin green above his upper lip as he lay leaned sideways against the heavy paned window - and appeared to have eaten more than Sirius, but didn't seem uncomfortable in the least.

The engine's horn blared harshly, cutting through the comfortable silence the four wizards had found themselves in, announcing their imminent arrival at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Sirius groaned in discomfort, James echoing the sentiment more loudly, as the shiny red engine began to slow.

* * *

"SIRIUS BLACK."

The name echoed magically with the aid of a sonorous charm through the expansive room that was the Great Hall, quieting the four mostly-filled tables of green and silver, scarlet and gold, blue and bronze, and yellow and black. The older wizards and witches already seated and in appropriately colored robes, glancing between the announcer and the sea of newcomers with obvious curiosity.

The severe-looking witch who apparently taught Transfiguration - and who had introduced herself at the front steps of the castle as Professor McGonagall, to forty-some first years after their boat ride across the Black Lake - stared down expectantly with pressed lips at the dark-haired wizard.

The tall boy nodded curtly with a dip of his chin, not noticing the encouraging pat on his back from James beside him, and he began to make his way through the crowd of his peers and towards the small set of stairs situated on the side of the elevated stage-like flooring where all the professors sat at an elaborately decorated table with oversized dishes of gold and silver. He stepped level with the waiting professor, who reminded him too much of a family member with her severe expression, and began the long walk across the front of the Great Hall, the older witch holding an old ratty hat in one hand and waiting somewhat impatiently for Sirius.

He forced feet to move more quickly, his face one of feigned indifference as his stomach protested violently for reasons completely unrelated to the candy he had gorged himself on on the train ride there, and his breathing came and went in short undetectable bursts as he made his way across the seemingly unending platform. He chanced a glance down at the older students already seated and found himself very grateful that Remus had known how to heal his black eye and James's bloody nose. Andromeda waved to him from the Slytherin table as he passed, and he nodded slightly in response. He hadn't talked to her since their fight in his room and was happy she didn't seem to have held it against him.

"Please have a seat, Mister Black," the Gryffindor professor said in a stern voice when the wizard stopped before her.

Sirius didn't look at her as he sat down on the stool, his eyes searching instead the Slytherin table to his right for his other cousins. He spotted Bellatrix, who shot him an unnerving smile. He then noticed Narcissa, whose face was completely blank as she met his gaze. _I'm going to end up like one of them. Mad or completely stuck in my head_. The unwanted thought caused his chest to clench, and he found himself suddenly and quite adamantly wishing just then he could have stayed on the train indefinitely.

"All right then, let's see where you will be sorted," was said in a clipped voice, and then the oversized old hat settled down on his head, covering his eyes and blocking his vision completely.

His magic surged unexpectedly, crackling in his veins as the hat moved around over him in response. _Ah,_ interesting _. Very interesting indeed,_ a foreign voice, which he assumed belonged to the enchanted hat, ran through his head, _Slytherin is where everyone will expect. No doubt it would fit you better than others I have placed there for sure. But I think... No, I think... not._ Sirius didn't have time to process the words before the hat shouted out in a deafening voice:

" _GRYFFINDOR_!"

The name bounced around in his head and the hall, echoing over and over as the room quieted.

The hat was lifted off of Sirius then - the light of the room seeming excessively bright and unpleasant - revealing a very expressive face and he stood up, his legs feeling heavy and numb. _What are my parents going to say? What will they do to me?_ His eyes searched the Slytherin table to find nothing but thinly veiled disgust, disappointment or hatred until they landed on his closest cousin. Andromeda shot him an encouraging smile and a discreet thumbs-up as Sirius began to walk solemnly back down the set of stairs and towards the brash, red and gold table full of _Gryffindors_.

The raven-haired wizard sat down reluctantly at the very end of the boisterous table nearest the doors, far away from everyone else, and his gaze dropped unfocused to the golden dish set before him. _Maybe I could be switched, or maybe I could be sorted again, the hat said I'd do well in Slytherin, maybe if I made my preference known-I'll have to see if I can talk to Dumbledore. He seemed like a reasonable wizard. Maybe my parents won't be as upset if they know I took the initiative and righted it-_

"-Sirius, tough luck, Mate!"

The dazed wizard looked up to see James Potter grinning down at him impishly as he took the seat to his right. He glanced around the almost now completely full table and noticed Remus Lupin was sitting directly across from him and beside the Pettigrew boy, and they were both flashing grins in his direction as well. He didn't remember them sitting down. They had all ended up in the same House.

Gryffindor House.

Sirius forced a smile, his answering expression less enthusiastic by a mile. His parents were going to be livid.

* * *

"I can't believe we're dorm mates! Isn't this bloody fantastic?" James exclaimed happily, the exuberant statement punctuated with a wild laugh as the wizard, proudly wearing his new scarlet and gold robes, dug excitedly through an over-packed trunk that was pushed up to rest against the foot of his bed in the tower/room that was to be their dormitory for the entirety of their schooling.

"Come on guys! Won't this be a blast?" the wild-haired wizard tried again, earning him an amused nod from Remus as he sat cross-legged across the room on worn dark wooden planks that contrasted the tall, champagne hued walls of the circular room. A pile of books waited patiently in a neat stack on the floor beside the sandy blond to be re-housed with care onto the open bottom shelf of the dark wooden nightstand that was an identical match to three others; each situated neatly by the beds they were assigned. Peter chipped in, from atop his bed, around a mouthful of food agreeably as he munched on something he had gotten from his trunk. James nodded, pleased, as he looked between his fellow dorm mates, but then his expression began to drop when his gaze fell on a silent Sirius. "Sirius?"

The Headmaster Dumbledore's speech, welcoming feast, tour of the castle on the way to the Gryffindor common room, and the subsequent first year dorm assignments led by the House's two prefects—Sirius hadn't registered the witch or wizard's names in his lingering state of shock—was all a blur to the tall wizard, who was just then lying stomach down on his made bed, school sheets still wrapped around the mattress snugly despite the wizard having brought his own from home. He held a ready quill in his right hand as he hovered over a blank piece of thick parchment, his upper body casting a shadow over the Black family seal centered proudly at its top.

"Oi, Sirius."

He brushed the feather's tip idly across his right cheek and jawbone, doing his best to ignore an uncomfortable niggling in his chest that seemed intent on staying, as he considered how best to break the news to his parents, because he _knew_ it would be much worse if they found out secondhand. He let out a silent breath and pressed quill to parchment, his script smooth and perfect as he had been taught by his unforgiving tutor Madame Crouch several years before.

_Dearest Father and Mother,_

_I am writing to inform you that I have_ \- He paused, eyes falling shut for only a second, and then he forced them back open to continue, _not been sorted into Slytherin as you expected of me, but instead I have been placed in Gryffindor House._ Lips pressed together tightly as James cackled in the background, and he pressed quill to parchment again, his writing growing more visibly heavy, the lines extra wide, and agitated as he scratched out, _So you know, I am rooming with an obvious blood-traitor, a half-blood and a chubby dolt of unspecified heritage._

 _No no no. That won't do at all._ He began to angrily cross out the letter. He was going to make things worse-

"Writing your parents?"

Sirius started and looked up to find himself staring into quiet hazel eyes. He blinked. He hadn't yet gotten a good look at the wizard named Remus as he had been far too busy avoiding him. But there was something... He stood up slowly, leaving his botched letter and quill on the bed forgotten, and he took a step forward to get a closer look into the sandy-haired boy's eyes, and he sucked in a sharp breath at what he found. There was a darkness swimming in the hazel gaze, surfacing only for a split-second to dive back down unseen, and it was like none he had ever experienced before. It almost felt dangerous. But Remus was so nice...

"Sirius? Sirius, are you okay?" Remus asked, shifting uncomfortably as the dark-haired wizard continued to stare into his eyes intensely, waiting for the shadowing magic to make a reappearance. "... _Sirius_?"

Sirius nodded his head finally, the wizard's words piercing his thoughts when the darkness refused to make itself known again. "Yeah, you have creepy eyes, Lupin," he said off-handedly, being honest in a round-about way.

Remus took a step back, sandy brows pulling down and in. "Sorry," he mumbled uncomfortably and looked away.

Sirius grabbed his arm, causing the wizard to look back at him. "No. No, I _like_ them," he insisted, finding an unexpected but not unwelcome comradely-like feeling incited at the find.

James let out a barking laugh from across the room. "You're an odd one, Sirius Black."

Sirius grinned at that, letting go of Remus's sleeve, and he turned to find the wizard shooting him an identical expression. "Not as odd as that new first-year Slytherin. Looks like he's never heard of soap before," he said boldly, suddenly feeling a _little_ proud he had made it into Gryffindor. _Don't get too used to it_ , he reminded himself.

"Snake something, right?" Peter asked as he openly hid candy under his bed in front of his only dorm mates.

"I believe it was Snape," Remus offered.

"Ah, yes," James said, pausing to let out a happy whoop as he pulled out a deck of cards he had been searching for. "That red-head Evans's friend. Sevy, was that his first name?"

"Snivelly is more like it," Sirius scoffed, "Did you see his nose?" Remus frowned as James let out a loud laugh. Peter joining in with the latter quickly.

" _Snivelly_ , I like that," James said as he walked to Remus and Sirius's side of the room and dropped unceremoniously to the floor. "Exploding Snap, anyone?"

* * *

"Aghh!"

"Stupid bird! No! No! _Stay away_!"

Tired grey eyes opened slowly. Sirius yawned, stretching arms up over his head languidly in the privacy of his curtained four-post bed. He blinked a few times as he tried to work out why he wasn't at home in his bed. _School. Right... Oh, no-_ He groaned when he remembered the House he had been placed in just the night before and rolled over onto his stomach, pulling his blankets up further and placing his pillow over his head until he was completely hidden. _Maybe this is all just a_ really _bad dream. I'll just go back to sleep and then wake up and everything will-_

"Bad owl! Bad!"

"Help me! _Somebody help_!"

"Peter... are you stuck under there, Mate?"

Sirius slowly lifted his head, his pillow falling down his back. _What the..?_

"Remus, you... _How_ did you do that? You've tamed it! _Ow_! Stupid bloody bird! Why does he like you?"

"No, I think he's just confused by me is all. Look at how he keeps tilting his head as if he's studying me."

Sirius pulled back his curtains and peered curiously into the dorm. Peter had half his body wedged under his bed. James was sucking on his finger and glaring at- _Shit_. Sirius pushed himself out of his bed and walked nervously over to the black eagle owl perched on Remus's arm.

"Sorry guys. That's for me," he said, recognizing his family's owl immediately. The large bird looked at him with an air of familiarity but didn't leave its perch on Remus's arm, holding out its leg dutifully. Sirius eyed the note attached just above its talons warily; the folded parchment was a deep red- _Howler_. They had already found out. He untied the parchment, a sinking feeling in his stomach slowing his fingers, and then he found himself holding the note with regret.

"Wow, a howler before classes have even started? That must be a record," James blurted out.

The owl hooted, the sound low and reserved, looking up to Remus for his thoughts on the matter.

"He seems to have taken a shining to you," Sirius said thoughtfully as he delayed the inevitable, the owl still staring up at Remus.

"Oh, uh. Animals tend to like me," Remus hedged, sounding unsure by his own explanation. He pulled out a piece of chocolate from his pocket and fed it to his possible new friend. The wizard waited until the bird had swallowed and then lifted his arm, encouraging the owl to take off and fly out the window over James's bed.

"Aren't owls supposed to deliver at breakfast?" Peter asked, having gotten himself out from under his bed. He was rubbing his right hand, the back of which was littered with scratches.

Sirius flipped the note over in his hand, eyes studying the family wax seal. "Yes they are," he said unhappily, turning and walking towards his bed. He sat down on the edge, watching the enchanted parchment, which seemed to have a life of its own, as it inflated and deflated at an ever building pace. _Whatever they say won't matter as long as I get my house switched_ , he told himself, trying to build up the courage to open it. He hated when his mother yelled at him.

The room remained unusually silent as Sirius's dorm mates waited to see what he would do. He glanced up at the three wizards and shot them a rueful smile. "Here goes nothing," he said, then lifting the tab and breaking the Black family seal.

The letter spun out of his hands and flew up into the air in front of him angrily. His mother's voice rang sharply through the room, assaulting the wizards' ears.

"Sirius Orion Black! You are an utter and COMPLETE shame to The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black! Being placed in GRYFFINDOR, a house full of FILTHY blood-traitors, halfbloods and mudbloods! You WORTHLESS ingrate of a son! You WILL rectify this and you WILL do it quickly, or you will have your FATHER'S wrath to deal with! NO EXCEPTIONS!" The letter stopped suddenly and then burst into flames.

Sirius stared down at his feet as the words washed over him on repeat. _She hates me._ He blinked rapidly, his eyes stinging fiercely as a lump in the back of his throat tried to choke him. _No. No. No_. He pushed the unwanted feelings away and down, _far_ down. And he looked up, his eyes brimming with coldness as he smiled widely at the three wide-eyed wizards. "Lovely lady, my mother," he said in a feigned cheerful tone.

James let out a shocked laugh. Peter made a noise mixed between a cough and an attempted laugh, seemingly choking on his own spit. Remus looked at Sirius, his gaze half contemplative and half sympathetic.

Sirius turned away from his dorm mates abruptly and walked over to his trunk. _Showers. Breakfast. Fix this._ _Right._ He stood up with a change of clothes, swallowing hard.

"Sirius, are you-"

"Sorry Lupin, I don't have time to talk," he said in a clipped tone, cutting off the wizard, and he made his way around him to the showers, avoiding eye contact. He shouldn't have been so cordial to him. He was a _half-blood_ after all. He had let that slip his mind. He would remember in the future.

* * *

"Sirius, Love! Over here!" was called in a sing-songy voice.

Sirius looked over at the familiar cloying tone as he entered the Great Hall alone a half hour later, having left before his dorm mates without so much as a wave. The wizard found Bellatrix Black sitting ostentatiously at the very center of the Slytherin table, motioning him over with only her index. He cleared his throat, and began to make his way over stiffly, ignoring wizards and witches as they moved around him, excited for the first day of orientation.

"Hello, Bella," he said politely as he neared, taking the seat beside the seventh-year when she patted the spot daintily. He ignored the discreet but unwelcome glances from the considerably older wizards he was receiving and reached out for a giant sticky roll on the large silver platter directly in front of him and placed it on his plate. _Never show fear._

"It's _absolutely_ terrible what they did to you, my _poor dear_ ," Bellatrix cooed in his ear as she ran a porcelain hand along his black hair, petting him. He held back a shiver.

He shrugged indifferently. "I've requested a meeting with the headmaster and until then I am only required to sleep in the dorm. Otherwise I can eat with, interact with and _ignore_ whomever I choose," he said in a straight-forward manner. He ignored the guilty feeling welling in his chest when his mind unhelpfully supplied him a mental picture of the wizards to which he was referring. _They're not my friends, I barely even know them,_ he reminded himself.

Narcissa looked over at him, the platinum blond sitting across from Bellatrix, but her expression remained neutral. "Hello Sirius," she drawled.

Sirius nodded shortly in response. "Narcissa."

" _Exactly,_ " the raven-haired witch by his side said silkily, regaining the young wizard's attention, as she ran a long black-painted fingernail affectionately along his cheek. "And until then, I will take care of you."

"Thank you Bella, I appreciate it," Sirius forced out coolly, reminding himself that his mother had said he would one day be head of the Black family and must not show weakness amongst lesser members, even if they were older.

Grey eyes began to search the green and silver clad table for possible friends once he got his House request. Who exactly was suitable company if even his own family was inferior? He forced his attention back to his breakfast at the depressing thought, and he took a bite of the sweet pastry, noting how oddly tasteless it was as the wizards and witches around him conversed.

He suddenly felt very alone amongst the sea of Slytherins.


	3. Chapter 3

"Sirius, you've been gone all day, Mate!" James said by way of greeting to the tall wizard standing by his bed as he strolled into the dorm late Tuesday night still in slacks and a white button up. His striped Gryffindor-colored tie was hanging undone around his neck, the sound of laughter and excited shouts drifting into the open doorway from below.

Sirius's chest lifted and then fell silently, and he turned around with an unaffected look on his face as he smoothed down his green sleeping shirt in the otherwise empty room, his dorm mates having been in the common room interacting with their fellow Housemates when he had passed through only minutes before, where he assumed they had also spent most of the day if their biosterous attitudes were any indicator.

The House of Gryffindor was clearly making the most of the fact that actual classes weren't to start up until the following Monday as the first week was orientation to the castle, its grounds, curriculum and the staff. Sirius, however, had spent the first full day actually attending all the functions to his regret either in Bellatrix's or Narcissa's company, his two older cousins seeming to have come to some sort of agreement that Andromeda was not suitable company for the Black heir. He rolled his eyes when James only stood stock still with lifted brows, waiting.

"Yes Potter, I spent it with my cousins instead. We're very close," he said, adding the last sentence for some reason; he didn't need to explain himself.

James frowned, black eyebrows scrunching. "You're _close_ to that bat-shit crazy witch and the frost-queen?" he asked in an unbelieving voice.

Grey eyes narrowed, and Sirius took a deliberate step toward the wizard. " _Don't_ speak of my family like that," he said quietly.

James lifted his hands up, palms out in an appeasing manner, and he shook his head. "Sorry, it's just... Sorry, I guess I mistook you."

Sirius took another step forward. "And just _what_ do you mean by that?" he said, his tone growing more harsh, "They are Purebloods and of impeccable standing, much better company than anyone in _this_ House."

James visibly bristled at that and took a matching step forward, leaving only a foot between them. "I _meant_ that I thought you were an okay bloke," he said deliberately, "but I _must_ have been mistaken." Sirius's expression hardened further.

"There you are, James, Peter was looking everywhere for-Oh... sorry," Remus said, glancing between the two wizards. "Should I go?"

" _Yes-_ "

" _No_ ," James said defiantly, cutting Sirius off from saying any more. "This is your room too, Remus. You can stay if you want to." He shot Sirius a challenging look.

Sirius fought the urge to make eye-contact with Remus when he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Sod off Potter," he said finally and turned rigidly to make his way back to his bed, ignoring Remus's presence altogether.

"You're such a git, Black," James spat at the boy's retreating back.

Sirius spun back around. "How _dare_ you say that about me!" He stalked back over to his dorm mate, his eyes flashing with indignation, as he stopped only inches from him, and using his height to his advantage he looked down at him.

"It's not my fault if you're a bloody git," James growled out, not appearing to mind the extra inches the wizard had on him in the least.

"You had _better_ not call me that again," Sirius said lowly, teeth clenched tightly, his hands balling into fists by his sides.

"Oh yeah?" James asked, laughing harshly. "What are you going to do, you stupid... _git_."

Sirius punched James in the stomach. The wizard groaned and kicked Sirius in the shin.

"Bloody hell!" Sirius yelped, jumping on one leg as he rubbed the other smarting appendage. He stood back on both legs, wincing in pain. "You're such an asshole!" he shouted.

James opened his mouth to retort when Remus started laughing suddenly.

The two wizards looked over in unison to find the sandy-haired wizard by the door leaned over in a fit of laughter. Sirius and James exchanged confused looks, forgetting their fight momentarily.

"What's so funny?" James asked.

Remus stood up, sighing as he tried to stop laughing but failing for the most part. "That was, that was, the most pathetic fight I've _ever_ seen," he forced out between sobs of laughter.

James tried to fight a smile but lost, and Sirius shook his head, lips pressed together tightly as a laugh tried to escape them. "Yeah, I guess it kinda was," James said, letting out a huff of a laugh despite himself as Remus continued on.

Sirius nodded begrudgingly with an eye roll. "You're bloody mad, Lupin," he said, his tone not coming out as hostile as he would have liked as an amused smile finally made itself known.

Remus grinned at that. "Maybe," he said, walking over to the two and then grabbing Sirius around the shoulders and pulling him down into a headlock. The Black heir let out an affronted noise as he struggled to escape.

"Let go of me _right now_!" he roared.

Remus ignored him, his unusual strength easily holding the squirming wizard in his grip. "I can't do that, because then James won't have a clear hit," he said calmly.

Sirius's eyes widened in realization. "What! _No_!" The wizard doubled his efforts to escape, his hands pulling uselessly at Remus's arm around his neck. "Don't even think about it Potter!"

James grinned widely at Remus, who returned the sentiment with an encouraging nod, before turning and grabbing up his pillow from his bed in a single motion. The messy-haired wizard let out a war cry over Sirius's protests and began to smack the tall wizard over and over soundly with his pillow. Remus laughed and let go of Sirius after he had been hit a few times too many and his curses had gotten especially harsh.

Sirius stood up, staggering back a few steps in a very un-heiresque manner, before finding his balance and straightening himself. He smoothed rumpled clothes and glared darkly at the two suddenly quiet wizards, smooth hair unusually wild. "You'll pay _dearly_ for that," he said, his voice like ice.

Remus and James exchanged slightly worried looks.

Sirius spun around, swiping up his own pillow and turned back, smacking an unsuspecting Remus upside the face, causing him to fall over. The three wizards erupted into peals of laughter as Remus pushed himself back up, and James and Sirius began smacking each other viciously with their pillow weapons as Remus discreetly secured his own pillow from his bed top.

"Hey guys, wha-" Peter froze, the three wizards doing the same, and Peter's blue eyes widened as he took in his dorm mates matching looks of mania as they began to creep towards him. "I-I think I'll just be-." And he turned to run, letting out a distressed cry as he was ambushed before he could make it out of the room to safety.

* * *

 

"I feel like I was trampled by a herd of bloody Hippogriffs," James groaned only a half hour later as he held a hand to his head, cradling it, "Are you sure you didn't hide a brick in your case, Remus?" He lay down onto his back on the cool hardwood floor, Sirius to his right and Peter to his left.

The four boys sat in a circle of sorts in the center of their dorm exhausted, having worn themselves out with their surprisingly painful pillow battle. A pile of candy sat in the middle of them, left over from the train ride.

Remus rubbed at the side of his neck. "Sorry, James. I didn't know I was hitting too hard. Are you okay?" he asked in a worried tone.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "'Sorry James, I just don't know my own strength,'" he said in his best impersonation of Remus, reclining onto his side and propping himself up on an elbow as he grinned up cheekily at the sandy-haired wizard. _I can't be hostile all the time. We live together,_ he reasoned to his mind when it tried to rebel at the playful words.

James laughed but then it quickly morphed into a groan, his hand shooting back up to hold his head. "He's right you know. How did you really get so ridiculously strong anyway?"

Remus glanced around at the prying eyes. "Uh," he said. "I'm not _that_ strong," he tried.

James and Sirius started laughing again, Peter joining in with a confused look on his face as he reached into the communal pile and pulled out a chocolate frog box.

"I've never met a wizard who wanted to downplay his own strength," James said in confused amusement.

"Well, Remus is definitely not your _usual_ wizard," Sirius supplied, settling onto his back before reaching out for a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and eyeing it closely. _I wonder how my meeting will go with Dumbledore tomorrow_ , he thought, something niggling in his chest, and he began to toss the box high up into the air before catching it easily with one hand over and over.

Remus pushed himself up from the floor. "I'm not unusual," he said in an unsure voice, an emotion flitting across his face before disappearing.

Sirius sat up abruptly when he recognized the expression. It was akin to the look that graced his own face when he thought about what Andromeda'd told him the night of his party. He felt a pang of guilt. "Remus," he paused, knowing he shouldn't continue his train of thought verbally. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way." He held back the growl threatening to escape his chest directed at himself. Why did he say that?

"Y-you didn't?" Remus asked, looking down at him, his gaze checking him for any signs of deceit.

Sirius cleared his throat. "No," he said, shaking his head, "you're a good weird, or unusual, or whatever." His mouth seemingly running of its own accord and independent of his protesting mind.

James, who'd remained oddly silent, broke into a grin as he looked between the two wizards. He finally spoke up. "Very good whatever," he chipped in warmly.

Peter smiled. "Yes, you're a great weird, Remus," he added.

Remus's stance slowly relaxed, and the sandy blond settled back down between Sirius and Peter. "Thanks guys," he said, studying the pile of candy in the middle of them as he spoke, and then added on, "At least I think so," before laughing, his friends joining in.

* * *

Sirius rolled over onto his back and stared up at the high round ceiling above him that was made from the same wide planks of the dorm's floor, completely awake, his curtains blocking out most of the early morning sun. It was Wednesday; he was to meet with Dumbledore in a few hours. He began to chew on the inside of his cheek as he thought. He knew what he had to do, what he was _supposed_ to do... but he wasn't really sure if it was what he wanted anymore, or even if he'd actually ever wanted it to begin with.

He hadn't spoken to any of the Slytherin wizards his age yet, only having interacted with his two older cousins and a few of their friends the day before, but he'd watched them. He shivered at the thought of rooming with the Snape wizard, and then thought over the other wizards in his year. They'd all looked so bored and uptight. _Just like me when I'm around them,_ the thought pushed uncomfortably and unwelcome at his mind. Would he start being like that all the time without his Gryffindor dorm mates to tease him out of it?

"Rise and shine, Witches!" James's voice pierced Sirius's musings as well as the silence of the sleepy room.

"Ugh, James, get off you _stupid prat_!" Remus growled grumpily from his bed.

Sirius felt the corners of his lips try tug up from the privacy of his bed. He'd been terribly amused the night before when James'd confided in him that the usually soft-spoken boy was a surprisingly mean morning-person. Clearly the wild-haired wizard wasn't deterred.

" _Ahh-h!_ " James cried out, his exclamation followed promptly by a loud thump and pained groan.

Sirius grinned as he sat up, pulling his curtains open just in time to see James leaping onto a soundly sleeping Peter. 

* * *

 

"So... you going to spend the day with your two mummies again?" James asked casually from across the dorm as he loosened his tie, that he'd just finished fixing up, to the point it looked like it might come undone.

Sirius closed his eyes, and he took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before opening them once more. He began to tighten up his own tie in a severe fashion as he stared pointedly at his bed, ignoring the discomfort and began to button up his cuffs, left then right. "Why do you ask?" he finally asked, evasively.

James shrugged, a mischievous smile tugging at his lips as he shoved his feet into his new shoes without untying them. He stomped down on his right foot when he couldn't get it in, bending the leather as he did. "Just thought you might've decided you're old enough to leave their sides now. Or are you still on the teat?"

Sirius glared darkly at the grinning wizard, as he made his way over to his and Remus's side of the room. "You're a bloody bastard, Potter."

James stopped at Remus's freshly made bed and plopped down on it, messing the sheets and ignoring Sirius's glare. "What do you think, Remus?" he asked, looking over innocently at the silent sandy blond, who was rifling through his trunk.

Remus arched an eyebrow at the wizard, who was ruining his hard work. "I think we should leave Sirius alone, he can hang out with whomever he chooses," he said matter-of-factly before looking back down into his trunk.

Sirius blinked in surprise, and he felt a swell of gratitude towards the sandy-haired boy. "See. You should listen to Remus, here," he said and then turned away to hide the frown pushing at his mouth, because he didn't want to spend time with the Slytherins again, but he had no choice. He would be there soon enough anyway so he should just get used to it; he had his meeting in only two hours.

"What about you, Peter?" James called out, clearly not willing to give up so quickly.

The short wizard looked over nervously from his sitting position on his bed. "Uh... I-I don't really know," he said quietly.

"What do you _mean_ , you 'don't really know?' You don't have a bloody opinion?" James asked irritably, his voice full of frustration.

Peter said nothing, his eyes widening in distress.

"Leave him alone, James," Remus sighed, standing up and walking over to his bed. He pushed the boy's shoed feet off his bed.

James sat up. " _Fine_. Forget it," he snapped, glaring angrily at Sirius's back, "I'm sure you and _Snivelly_ will make great friends. Who knows! Maybe you'll even be best mates!"

Sirius spun around at that, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed to slits as he glared at the unapologetic wizard. _Don't let him trick you. He's only trying to change your mind. You won't even talk to him probably after today's meeting if things go well._

He shoved away the doubt that'd been previously warring with his thoughts and stalked out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

"Sirius, _there_ you are!"

Familiar hands grabbed Sirius's right arm from behind before he could grasp the handle to the door of the Great Hall, and he was turned to find Andromeda smiling up at him widely, and then she began to pull him away and towards the staircase leading to the front doors instead without a single word.

"What're you doing, Andromeda?" he asked in a surprised tone, feet shuffling hesitantly as his cousin continued to pull him towards the main stairs.

The witch shot a quick look back at him and winked. "Kidnapping you, of course," she said lightly as she led him down the stairway.

"But, I haven't eaten breakfast yet," Sirius protested.

"Don't worry, I won't let you starve," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand before pushing the front door open eagerly and tugging him outside.

Sirius stopped when the insistent hand dropped from his sleeve, and he looked out onto the grounds and breathed in deeply, the smell of wet grass and still green trees in the air. The sun was shining brightly over the Enchanted Forest, the expansive sky a soft blue, no clouds to be seen, and there was a slight breeze in the air that was refreshingly cool as it ruffled his black locks. His stomach rumbled. "You mentioned food?"

"I did, come on!" she yelled and began to run ahead. "Race you to that hut!" she yelled over her shoulder.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he took off, running after her and quickly gaining on the witch with his longer strides. He zipped by her as they drew closer to the hut, and he let out a victorious laugh when he hopped onto the first stair, deciding it was as good as any make-shift finish line.

"You've gotten faster," the witch noted, only slightly winded as she pulled up beside him, a huge smile playing on her lips, and she reached up and pulled back a heavy brass knocker on the weathered-looking wooden door Sirius hadn't even noticed before releasing it.

Sirius frowned and opened his mouth to speak when the door pulled open suddenly.

"Well 'ello there 'Dromeda. And who's this 'ere?"

Sirius stared up, mouth agape, in undisguised horror at a beast of a man, standing at the doorstep of the hut they had raced to. _The Gameskeeper. No. No. No._ He turned to leave, but his cousin grabbed his arm, stopping him, as she smiled up at the hut's occupant.

"Hello, Hagrid, this is Sirius. He's my little cousin I've told you about. I've brought him for breakfast," she said politely to the monstrosity.

" _What_?" Sirius choked out. _I can't eat with him. Is he even a wizard? He looks more like an animal!_

"Is tha' so!" The Gameskeeper made a roaring noise, that caused Sirius to jump back almost falling backwards off the step he was on if not for his cousin's steadying hold.

"He's just laughing," Andromeda whispered to him when the gameskeeper turned away, smiling impishly at him and her hand still gripping his arm. "No need to be afraid."

Sirius stiffened. "I'm not _scared_ ," he hissed back.

"Well come on in then!" the gameskeeper named Hagrid said in a thick accent, waving them in with a beefy hand as he walked to the far wall of his hut, the floorboards creaking under his weight.

"Thanks, Hagrid!" Andromeda said cheerfully and walked in ahead of Sirius, shooting a wide smile back at him knowingly.

Sirius pressed lips together firmly _. I'm not scared_. He stepped in imperiously, his upper lip curling up on one side in distaste as he looked around the cluttered hut. He walked over to a cast iron cooktop to see more closely what was for breakfast. _A slab of raw meat_? A sudden loud bark made him jump back.

"Fang, no!" Hagrid roared, causing a giant dog to whimper and take a step back from Sirius. The wizard spun around to find a 'dog,' that was only a few inches shorter than him with a short chcolate and black marbled coat, staring at him with grey watery eyes.

"'E jus' thought you were goin' to take his food. E's really nice," Hagrid insisted as he began to set giant chipped dishes on a tall wooden table in the center of the dining area.

Sirius nodded, not speaking as he eyed the dog doubtfully. The canine lowered its head and tilted it, looking up at him curiously. Sirius smiled slightly in return and found himself reaching out a hand to pet him on the head. The dog made a grunting noise of contentment and settled back onto its haunches, allowing Sirius to scratch behind his ears.

"Looks like he likes you, Sirius," Andromeda said from her stool at the wooden table, her feet dangling from the tall seat. She smiled mischievously. "I remember when Bella met him, he tried to bite her hand off," she said and then started laughing.

"No, No, 'e jus'... Well, 'e is a dog," Hagrid said, clearly agreeing with the witch. "Let's eat." He set down a huge plate of bacon and steak in the center of the table with a thunk and pulled out his chair.

* * *

"I don't think I'll be able to eat another bite today," Sirius groaned as he walked out of the hut with a stomach full of fried meat.

"Yeah," Andromeda said by his side, rubbing her equally full stomach. "Just be happy he didn't serve us rock cakes. I had to have Madam Pomfrey repair three teeth after that meal."

Sirius let out a surprised laugh. "Why do you go down there anyway?" he asked curiously as they made their way up the hill towards the castle, a few puffy white clouds now making their way lazily across the late morning sky, the air a little warmer.

The witch sighed, and she looked over to him, meeting his gaze levelly. "Because he's my friend, Sirius."

Sirius stiffened at the explanation, the tone behind it making him feel almost as if he should've known better. "But, Andromeda. He's, he's a... I don't even _know_. But, he's _not_ a Pureblood, that's for bloody sure!" Sirius yelled at her, feeling slightly unhinged for some reason.

The witch stopped suddenly, as they stood halfway between the hut and the castle. "Sirius, you know that just because people tell you _things_ are a certain way, it doesn't mean you can't make up your _own_ mind."

Sirius froze. _What_? "I'm sorry?"

The witch flopped down in the grass, pulling her knees up to her chest in an unladylike fashion, and after a moment's hesitation Sirius sat down beside her, despite having the sudden urge to leave.

"Sirius," Andromeda said, her voice suddenly soft as she stared out at the tree line, "do you like your dorm mates in Gryffindor?"

Sirius looked down at the blades grass between his feet, watching them sway in the breeze only slightly as they remained firmly planted. The wizard pulled up a handful of the waxy green strands, and then he held them up in his open palm, watching the wind blow them away. "Yeah, I mean... they're _okay_. If you like having fun and whatnot."

Andromeda let out a laugh and nudged the wizard's shoulder with her own. "I'm pretty sure _everyone_ likes that but Cissy, Sirius."

Sirius smiled sheepishly for a moment, but then it slowly turned into a frown. What was she trying to say? That he should _stay_ in Gryffindor and have his parents punish him, _hate_ him, just because he thought his dorm mates were _fun_? "You're in Slytherin," he said, his tone more than a little accusing.

Andromeda nodded slowly by his side. "I am." she said, her voice noticeably wistful. "And I absolutely loathe it," she said, her eyes flashing with an uncharacteristic fury.

Sirius's chin dropped. " _What_?"

She turned to him and said boldly, "I. _Hate_. It. You know, I asked the Sorting Hat to put me in Slytherin? It wanted to put me in Gryffindor. And, I regret it _every_ day." She shot him a meaningful look.

Sirius looked back down at the ground, his chest tightening uncomfortably. Would he hate it too? Would he regret it like her?

He stood up suddenly, brushing his hands together. "Thanks for breakfast, Andromeda, I have to go though," he said abruptly, remembering his meeting with Dumbledore. He needed to catch up with his other two cousins before he went to it.

The witch sighed quietly. "Right. See you 'round, Sirius," she said in a weary tone, not making any attempt to join him, her gaze moving back to the forest.

"See you," Sirius said shortly before turning and making his way back to the castle alone. He pulled open the heavy front door.

"Sirius, good to see you!- _Run_!" James shouted as he ran out the open door, grabbing hold of the wizard's arm as he passed and pulling him back towards the grounds.

"Wha-" Sirius pulled away and stopped, turning to see what James was running from.

"You'll pay for that, _Potter_!" a red-headed witch yelled as she stepped out of the castle, her eyes flashing with an intense ferocity. " _You_ , you're his friend!" she yelled accusingly at Sirius and took a step towards him.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he inexplicably turned and ran after the laughing wizard, following him all the way down to the Black Lake, the witch's threats chasing after them as they ran.

James stopped finally at a tree a few yards short of the dark water's shore, planting his hand on the trunk as he leaned on it heavily, panting for air, as Sirius pulled up. The messy-haired wizard started laughing again, the sound breathy, as he took a step forward to lean the entire left side of his body against the trunk of the tree, and he slid down it with a heavy exhale, settling on the shaded ground beneath.

"What'd you do to her?" Sirius asked, looking over his shoulder to confirm the witch hadn't left the steps. She was standing there waving a fist angrily towards them. Sirius turned back to James.

"She's a feisty one," James said in answer and laughed again. "I didn't do _anything_ to her. She's just upset on behalf of her greasy Slytherin friend, Snivelly," he said flippantly, a huge grin plastered on his face.

Sirius continued to stand, because sitting and talking sounded really nice at that moment. _Good logic,_ he scoffed at himself and then ignored it. "Right, I gotta go." He started to leave.

"Aren't you curious as to what I did?" James asked in a taunting tone, and Sirius paused. He was actually. Very much in fact. He tilted his head questioningly.

"I got my father to send me _this_ ," James said with a mischievous grin as he pulled a wand from his inside robes pocket with a flourish, and then he began to twirl it casually in front of the still-standing wizard.

Sirius's eyes followed the wand's motion closely for a long moment, and then he dropped to the ground. They weren't supposed to have their wands until next week when classes started; it was school policy. The wandmaker, Mr. Ollivander, had told Sirius when he'd met the old wizard the month before about his own wand, that it was in order to keep a bunch of first years from using them before they'd even had a proper class. "What'd you do?" he asked finally.

James's smile widened. "I thought so. I made up a sign that said 'Please donate to my soap bar fund,' and used a sticking charm my father taught me to stick it to Snivelly's back. He was _so_ angry, you should have seen it!" James said gleefully.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "That's ingenious," he said, picturing the Slytherin wizard's reaction. He looked around him. "Where're Remus and Peter?"

James's smile dropped at that. "Oh. Well... Remus said he thought it was _mean_ and Peter, well, he looked like he was going to piss himself when I told him our target, so I let him off." The wizard looked decidedly unhappy.

"Well, too bad for them," Sirius said, "They missed out."

James's smile returned. "Yeah, they did, didn't they? You know, I was thinking-"

" _Mr. Potter! Mr. Black!_ "

The two boys' gazes swiveled up towards the castle to see a fuming Professor McGonagall making her way towards them, an even angrier Lily Evans by her side.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't know why I got detention too!" Sirius said heatedly. He was polishing a Quidditch trophy by hand, which was decorated with small rubies forming the shape of a lion's head. Its jeweled eyes seemed to mock him as he scrubbed dust off of them, and a scowl formed on his lips as dark brows pulled in.

The dark-haired wizard stood with James in a deserted hallway by the doors that led out straight to the Quidditch pitch. He'd missed his appointment with Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall having lead the two wizards to their assigned detention immediately, saying she would let the headmaster know on Sirius's behalf why he wouldn't be in attendance. Sirius sighed; he would have to reschedule.

"Stop complaining, you pansy," James said, tossing his rag at the wizard and hitting him in the face. He started laughing loudly when it stuck instead of falling straight off.

Sirius turned his head slowly, the polishing rag dropping from his face reluctantly, and he glared at his dorm mate. "You think that was funny, do you?"

"No," James said simply, looking through the shelves of trophies yet to be polished, "I _know_ it was."

Sirius shook his head, and a begrudging smile began to make its way up his lips. "I hate you, Potter."

"Oi! Look at this," James said suddenly, ignoring the other wizard's slight. He held up a golden cup that looked almost identical to its shelf-mates, hazel eyes dancing with excitement. He pointed to the plaque on the cup.

Sirius leaned in curiously and read the name out loud that James's finger was pointing to, "Charlus Potter, Seeker." Sirius looked up at the wizard, who was smiling proudly. "Your father was a seeker for the school?"

"Yeah, a bloody good one, too. This is their Quidditch cup they won his seventh year." He sat the trophy down and leaned over to pick up his thrown rag from the floor. "My grandfather was a seeker too, I want to be a chaser though. Do you like Quidditch?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, dropping his polishing rag overtop a still dirty cup with green emeralds in the shape of a snake on it. "My parents aren't really into stuff like that. I mean, I know about it, but I haven't tried it out yet," he said, unsure with talking about his family to the wizard.

"Well, we'll just have to change that then," James said matter-of-factly as he straightened himself.

Sirius arched an eyebrow. "How's that?" he asked, trying to come across as indifferent but failing.

"Simple," James said, a smile slowly forming on his lips, "nobody's out at the Quidditch pitch after dark, right?"

Sirius began to smile back. "Yes... that's right. All we'd need is a _wand_ to open the broom shed," he said in an insinuating manner.

"Exactly," James responded.

* * *

"Sirius, _where_ have you been!"

Sirius held back a cringe. "Around," he said in an evasive manner, sitting down beside a glowering Bellatrix at dinner and not making eye contact with his matching-haired cousin, who was wearing the required uniform sans tie, a sheer green scarf tied snug around her neck instead. His day hadn't gone to plan, having missed his meeting with Dumbledore and both breakfast and lunch with his eldest cousins. His day _had_ been surprisingly enjoyable though.

He looked across to Narcissa, the platinum blond eyeing him curiously before her gaze flitted back to the spot on the wall above his head, her expression once more of bored indifference. Sirius shot a glance down the long green and silver clad table for Andromeda-

" _Around_? Have you been consorting with those treacherous _Gryffindors_ , Sirius?" Bellatrix said in too loud of a voice, drawing Sirius's gaze back sharply and earning them several glares from the nearby table of gold and red where the younger wizard's dorm-mates sat.

Sirius pressed his lips together, refusing to search out the three wizards. "Quiet down, Bella," he said calmly, reaching out and scooping some mashed potatoes onto his plate, despite feeling anything but calm or hungry at that moment. It wasn't that he cared what they thought, but he _was_ still in the House for now; he didn't need to make enemies.

" _What_ did you say to me?" the witch hissed angrily at his side, "I will say _whatever_ I want about those treacherous and _vile_ -"

Sirius shoved himself up out of his seat, ignoring the words that were sounding more and more like his mother's. "I said, _shut up_ ," he snapped, glaring down at his older cousin, irritation growing in his chest as he clenched his jaw.

Gasps shot up from around them. The witch's eyes widened only for a second before narrowing into slits. She stood up slowly, her gaze calculating. "Have you forgotten who you're talking to, _Cousin_?" she asked lowly, her tone almost a purr if not for the rough edge to it.

Sirius squared his shoulders, lifting his chin and looking down at his older but shorter cousin. "No, but I think _you have_ ," he countered coldly, mimicking his father's stance, his own grey gaze equaling hers in temperature as he waited for a response. " _I'm_ the heir - not you."

The witch's hostile expression slowly pulled in at that, and she remained standing only for a few beats before slowly dropping back down into her seat. Her eyes filled with a resolute fury as she slowly lifted her fork to continue her meal.

Sirius swallowed hard as he looked down at the table and empty seat before him, the expressions from the Slytherins varying from surprise to suspicious to aloof. He let out a held breath silently and then turned and walked off, ignoring the whispers and not so much whispers over what had just happened as he made his way towards the Great Hall's front doors. He shoved the door to the Great Hall open loudly, letting it slam behind him, ignoring the sudden eruption of voices behind him as he stalked away. What had he just done?

* * *

"Come on, Remus."

"Yeah, be fun."

Remus laughed in amusement but shook his head adamantly from his seat in the center of his bed, a book open in his lap to only the third page. "I don't think sneaking out after curfew and breaking into the broom shed to fly illegally qualifies as fun."

Peter glanced between the three boys from his own bed with an unsure look on his face as he nibbled on the strawberry cupcake with lemon icing he'd brought up from dinner. He had said it was for Sirius but happily kept it when the wizard had declined.

Sirius sat on James's bed beside the other dark-haired wizard, eating his dinner that the boys had brought up for him shortly after watching him storm out of the Great Hall. After his fight with his cousin. _Just don't think about it,_ he reminded himself _._ Sirius shoved a large bite of roll into his mouth and spoke around the food.

"But you _have_ to come. It just won't be the same without you." He shot the sandy blond a crooked grin.

"You're such a ponce, Sirius," James scoffed, shoving his friend playfully in the shoulder.

Sirius laughed and scooped up a spoon of mashed potatoes before flicking it at him.

"Tosser!" James yelled, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"I'll have you know that my family is open to same-sex relations," Sirius huffed. He ignored the look of shock on the other wizards' faces and then added, "As long as you keep it a secret and still produce an heir and marry respectably, of course."

"Well, uh, that's-that's very open of them," James forced out thickly as Remus and Peter continued to stare.

Sirius took a bite of roast, looking down at his plate, a sudden feeling of recklessness urging unadvisable words from his mouth. "I don't know about _that,_ they're just a lot of crazy bastards is all."

The dorm filled with an easy laughter once more.

* * *

"So, how'd you manage to get Remus to come along?" James asked in almost a whisper as he and Sirius made their way around the cluttered, moonlit broom closet only a half hour later, kicked up dust from creaking wooden planks dancing in the pale yellow light from the waxing gibbous outside. Remus and Peter were sitting high up in the stands, waiting for them, the former having brought his book along with him. The two wizards hadn't wanted to fly but had agreed to sneak out with them anyway.

Sirius shrugged, his fingers running idly over the mounted brooms as they passed them. "I just kept asking him over and over again."

James nodded in an impressed manner. He went to pick up a decent-looking broom but then his hand froze just inches from it and dropped after a moment's hesitation, the wizard continuing walking. "I'm surprised he didn't hit you."

"Oh, he did." Sirius rubbed his left shoulder gently, grimacing slightly at the concealed bruise. "But, then he felt so bad about it afterwards he said he'd come," he said matter-of-factly.

James stopped. He picked up a sleek-looking broom and grabbed a matching one beside it. "These'll work. I can't wait until we're allowed our own brooms at school," he whispered in awe, handing one of the nicer brooms to Sirius.

The taller wizard smiled as he held it in his hands. It was lighter than he had expected. He wondered if his parents would buy him a broom for Christmas if he asked.

James ran his hand along the dark polished wood in a reverent manner, his eyes glazing over as they took on a distant glint.

Sirius felt a rush of excitement. "Well, let's go try these out. That is... if you're finished fondling your broom." He dead-panned.

"Wanker." James punched the wizard in his already sore arm, eliciting a groan from him.

* * *

"That was _amazing_!" Sirius said excitedly, images of brooms and making the Quiddtich team, cheers and winning the Cup racing through his mind.

"I know. You're a ruddy great flyer, Sirius. We can try out for the team together next year!" James exclaimed, equally excited.

"Yeah." Sirius's eyes took on a faraway quality, the wizard nodding distractedly. "And then Remus and Peter could come to _all_ our games and watch us in the stands!"

"I hate you both," Remus piped in. The sandy-haired wizard was leaned over a toilet in the fourth-floor boy's bathroom as he scrubbed the not-quite-white porcelain bowl viciously with a toothbrush.

"He's so cute when he's angry," James cooed, standing casually in the center of the room in the dead of the night, holding a mop in his right hand but not using it for its intended purpose as he leaned on it.

Sirius nodded agreeably as he smiled at his own reflection in the newly polished mirror. "I can't believe Peter got away before Filch caught up to us. You'd never think his chubby legs could move so fast."

"Sirius, that's not nice," Remus snapped.

"I know. He's a sneaky little bugger," James replied easily, glancing around discreetly for Filch - the school's caretaker and their captor for the time being, who was nowhere to be seen - before slipping out his wand from his shirt's sleeve and cleaning the floors quickly with a muttered scrubbing charm he'd learned from his mother. "And I thought that would never come in handy," he said, eyeing his work happily as he placed his wand back in his shirt where he'd hidden it.

Remus and Sirius turned slowly towards their friend, matching looks of disbelief on their faces.

"You are so dead, Potter," Sirius said darkly as he began to stalk towards his friend.

James's eyes widened, and he looked to Remus for help. The sandy-haired wizard nodded slowly, his toothbrush dropping to the floor. "I agree wholeheartedly, Sirius."

* * *

"Yes, yes, yes," Sirius murmured fervently under his breath.

The wizard sat on his bed, staring down, unblinking, at an open, rectangular wooden box with a fifteen-inch black wand snugly resting inside it, packaged plushly inside a blood-red velvet material. He slowly reached down, fingers wrapping securely around the wand as he picked it up, and he felt a surge of magic run down his arm and into the wand and then an answering but slightly different magic run back up his arm and into his body, the hum of his amplified magic tingling at his fingertips.

He smiled.

The wizard stood up from his bed and held out his wand victoriously early Sunday morning, the day before classes started. "It's here!"

"Great. Now we've twice the wand power for tonight," James said distractedly from his bed, not glancing up, as he went through a gift package his mother had sent.

"What kind of wood is that?" Remus asked curiously, standing up from his bed and walking over to take a look. He was still waiting on the wand he had been matched with a few weeks back.

"Dogwood," Sirius answered as he ran a finger along the passed down wand.

"It's awfully big," Peter said, having made his way over.

Sirius and James burst into laughter, and Remus failed in holding back a grin. Peter frowned in confusion but then quickly joined in.

"The core is basilisk skin. This was my great-great grandfather Phineas Nigellus Black's wand," Sirius said.

"Aren't you supposed to be _matched_ with a wand?" James asked curiously, finally standing up and walking over to get a better look.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "It's tradition in my family for the first born males to inherit as well as pass along their wands. Ollivander came and checked for compatibility beforehand. He told me that basilisk skin is _very_ rare in wands. Although, he seemed more interested in the dogwood," Sirius said, studying the dark wand thoughtfully.

"Can I see it?" James asked, reaching a hand out expectantly.

"Sure." Sirius handed it over to the other boy.

James's eyes widened, and he handed the wand back quickly. "I don't think it likes me." He rubbed his hand on his slacks, like he was trying to wipe something off of it.

"Why do you say that?" Sirius asked slowly, turning the wand in his hand.

James shivered. "I don't know. It just felt angry or something, and it started heating up."

Sirius frowned. "That's odd. It's very cool to the touch for me." He looked over to Remus as he considered what he was about to do. _Nobody needs to know_. "Here Remus, what do you think?"

The wizard looked down at the proffered wand. He reached out a hand and took it carefully. Remus frowned as he waited for the wand to do something. He handed it back. "Feels cool to me, too." Peter watched on with a sense of anticipation but said nothing.

"Looks like you and Remus are kindred spirits," James said, eyeing the sandy-haired blond with a slightly speculative look.

"Or maybe it's just a well-behaved wand and can sense your mischief," Remus countered.

"Yes, you're a _bad_ seed, James Potter," Sirius said with a smirk.

James shoved him in the chest with a laugh, and Sirius punched him in the shoulder in return. Remus and Peter took a few steps back, moving out of the way when the two boys ended up on the floor wrestling each other.

* * *

"Classes are going to be so easy this year," Sirius said as he strolled alongside James the morning of their first day of classes, Remus and Peter walking behind them as they made their way through the busy corridor to the Great Hall for lunch. The four wizards had already attended Transfiguration and History of Magic, which they shared with Hufflepuff House.

"I know, especially Transfiguration. Although I'm not sure if Professor McGonogall likes us much," James said with a mischievous grin.

Sirius scoffed. "No, she _loves_ us." He smiled when he heard Remus behind him try to disguise a laugh with an unconvincing cough.

"Hi Sirius," a blonde second-year witch dressed in Slytherin colored clothes greeted, drawing the attention of the tall black-haired boy as she approached, two similar-aged looking girls by her side.

"Hi Evie," he said, flashing the older, blue-eyed girl a winning smile as they passed each other. The witch blushed and continued walking, her friends giggling by her side.

James turned to watch the witch walk away. "Who is _that_?"

Sirius didn't look back. "Evie Greengrass. Her family's friends with mine."

"She's really fit," James said, walking backward as he watched the blonde turn the corner before spinning back around.

"Yeah, she's okay," Sirius said with a shrug, pulling open the door to the Great Hall and walking in. "I'm starving."

Sirius sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table nearest the doors, ignoring the scathing looks he was receiving from the Slytherin table. He hadn't sat with them since his and Bellatrix's argument the week before, and he wasn't going to, not until he had actual friends to sit with at least.

"Think you could introduce me?" James asked as he sat down beside his friend, Remus and Peter sitting on the other side.

"I could, but I don't think you're her type," Sirius said, taking a bite of the bread he'd just buttered.

"What's her type?" James asked, looking like he might be willing to rethink his life for the blonde witch he had just seen in passing.

" _Me_ ," Sirius said with a grin.

Remus looked up from his plate. Peter continued to eat from his already overloaded plate.

"What do you mean? _You_." James frowned.

"I mean, she's liked me ever since we used to play healer together when we were little," he said in an off-handed manner. He winked at the sandy-haired boy across the table from him when the wizard's hazel eyes had widened at his words.

"That's rubbish," James said in a determined voice and began filling his empty plate. "Once she got to know _me_ she'd change her mind I'm sure." He glared at his laughing friend and turned to Remus. "What do _you_ think, Remus?"

"Well, I don't really know her, so I couldn't say." He paused, taking a bite of chicken. "She did seem rather into Sirius though."

"See, I _told_ you. Don't worry though, I'm not interested," the taller boy said, taking another bite of his bread before smiling with full cheeks at the disgruntled boy sitting beside him.

"But why not?" James asked, completely confused.

"She's just too...too something, I don't know. I'm very picky." Sirius reached over to a platter full of cookies and grabbed one.

James shook his head, muttering under his breath.

Sirius's attention was pulled away when he heard what sounded like his name come from the Slytherin table. He glanced over to find three Slytherin first-year wizards eyeing him warily.

"Potions is next, right?" Peter asked with a mouthful, searching through his bag for his class schedule.

"Sure is," James said, his gaze following Lily Evans and Severus Snape and settling on the latter as they left the Great Hall together, a smile tugging at his lips. "It's thoughtful of the teachers to give us some entertainment during our classes, don't you think?"

Sirius kept a level gaze on the wizards until the one in the middle nodded curtly at him. Sirius nodded back slowly-

" _Sirius_!"

Sirius started and turned to see James looking at him expectantly.

"Well? Are you?" the wild-haired wizard asked, agitated.

"I'm sorry?" Sirius asked, not having heard anything the boy had said.

"James, just leave it," Remus said as he put his napkin down on the table.

Sirius frowned and looked between the two wizards. "Leave what?" Remus shot James a warning glare, but the boy ignored him.

"I _said_ , are you sitting with us or the _snakes_ in Potions and Charms?"

Sirius felt anger instantly surge in his chest, but he tried to tamp it back down. "Why do you ask?"

James rolled his eyes. "Because, it'll be _boring_ if you don't sit with us. So?"

Sirius glanced again at the three Slytherin wizards and then back at his own dorm mates. "Them," he said shortly and then stood up. "I'm finished," he added, expecting the wizard to stand up and join him.

James looked up at him, a stubborn look settling on his features. "Well, go on then," he said, looking away and reaching for another biscuit to eat.

"Whatever Potter." Sirius lifted his chin and turned away, walking towards the doors and feeling anger and confusion warring for the main spot in his chest. _How dare he slight me_ , he fumed as he pulled open the door and walked out into the mostly abandoned hallway, not addressing the fact that he had done the same to the wizard and first.

"Sirius, wait up!"

Sirius turned around to see Remus jogging to catch up with him. He refused to allow the smile fighting to push up his lips win. "Hey Remus," he said calmly.

Remus smiled and slowed as he pulled up next to him. "Hey, I was finished too," he said and began to walk beside him.

Sirius nodded, and they walked alongside each other silently for a few minutes until they reached a door that lead to the courtyard, the sandy blond stopping by it. "Want to go outside for a bit?" Remus asked, motioning to the exit.

Sirius shrugged, but pulled open the door. "Peter stayed with James?" he asked.

Remus shot him an arched look. "He did," he said, looking like he was trying to hold something back.

Sirius nodded. "I wonder when he's going to tell James about his undying love for him."

Remus let out a begrudging laugh, shaking his head. "You're not very nice," he said half-heartedly as they walked out into the grass, the day surprisingly sunny.

Sirius grinned, his lips curling up the corners of his mouth in an impressive fashion and lending admirably to his darker features.

"I never said I was, Remus."

He shoved the sandy-haired boy and then took off when Remus made to retaliate, his longer legs giving him a quick escape from the abnormally strong wizard.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm Jonathan Goyle. This is Gregory Zabini and this here's Vincent Crabbe."

Sirius stood by a table in the front of Charms class that held four seats but only three wizards at that moment. The one in the center, who'd introduced them was the tallest and broadest built, with dark brown hair and a cool air, neither welcoming or hostile, almost calculating in nature. The wizard, Vincent Crabbe, had puggish features with cropped blond hair and was eyeing him warily. Gregory Zabini, the second tallest of the three, was leanly built with dark skin, an angular jaw and intelligent brown eyes that seemed unaffected by his presence completely.

"Sirius Black," he greeted in a tone that implied he hadn't really needed to tell them in the first place. The three green-cladded wizards nodded succinctly.

"Would you like to join us?" the tallest wizard, named Goyle, asked.

Sirius fought the urge to look back at where his three dorm mates were sitting just a few tables behind and across the aisle from the Slytherins. He knew Remus wouldn't fault him for leaving them to sit with his future house.

James though was a different matter.

He shot an ill-advised glance over his shoulder at the boys and was rewarded with an accusing glare from said wizard. _Stupid Potter_. He clenched his jaw and turned back to the three wizards.

"Sure." He sat down in the empty seat beside the wizard named Zabini, setting his bag on the table, the wizard eyeing the Gryffindor seal on his robes in a curious fashion.

"Jonathon here was just complaining how we've a Charms class," Zabini said in a neutral voice as the other two Slytherins picked the conversation back up between themselves rather heatedly. The wizard cocked his head to the side. "He thinks we should be given a Dark Arts option instead. What do you think, do you agree?"

Sirius refrained from actually considering the question, because he already knew what his response should be to that answer. He'd heard his own parents lament over the missing coursework and even thought he had heard Kreacher mutter on about it. But that couldn't be true, why would the house elf have an opinion on such a thing. He nodded his head, not looking over as he pulled out his book, before placing his bag on the floor beside his feet. He leaned back and crossed his arms, not opening the text.

Sirius fought the urge to lay his forehead on the table and take a nap. Class was moving along at a painfully sluggish pace. The three Slytherin wizards, while not approving of the class, sat quietly enough and took notes. Sirius ran an agitated hand up into his hair and then leaned over and fished out a piece of parchment and quill from his bag, placing it on the table before him. Maybe he could set up a new time to meet with Dumbledore now.

"Psst. Sirius.. Pssssssst, _Sirius_!" a whisper hissed across the aisle and towards the lone Gryffindor.

Sirius's quill stilled. He shouldn't look over. What was the point in sitting with Slytherins if he was just going to whisper back and forth to his Gryffindor friends? _No. Not friends. Dorm mates. Temporary dorm mates_. Sirius tried to shake the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. He cleared his throat and began to compose his letter.

"Sirius!"

A piece of wadded up parchment followed the urgent whisper and hit him on the side of his face, bounced off and then landed on the desk in front of him. He looked down at it. He pushed his lips together. He wasn't interested in what it had to say in the least. He picked it up to toss it in his bag, then stopped. He stared down at it.

"Read it, you _stupid_ arse!"

Sirius grinned. He unwadded the parchment quietly and held it down in his lap to prevent their new Professor, Flitwick, from seeing it. He didn't need detention again.

_Sirius,_

_Have you noticed that Snivelly's nose looks abnormally large today? I think it's grown since school started._

_Your Forsaken Dorm Mate,_

_James_

Sirius's grin grew despite himself, and he held back a laugh, shaking his head as he reached out and grabbed his book and quill. He scrawled a response in his lap.

_James,_

_I have in fact. Why just this morning I saw a flock of baby birds try and feed from it._

_Your Begrudging Quill Pal,_

_Sirius_

The dark-haired wizard glanced up at the professor, who was currently writing on a board at the front of the room with an enchanted piece of chalk, and then he crumbled the parchment into a ball once more, turned around and threw it at James, who looked away at that very moment to say something to Remus, and it ended up flying past him and landing on the insultee's table behind him instead. Sirius watched as Lily Evans reached over Snape and picked up the disguised note.

"Well, shit."

" _Mr. Black."_

* * *

"I feel like this is becoming a habit," Sirius groaned as he stood in the Potions room late Monday night just after dinner, scrubbing a particularly dirty cauldron for the second time. _Evans is such a..._ He growled, not finishing his thoughts as he scrubbed more viciously at a particularly stubborn stain.

James laughed by his side. "Well actually, my mum always says it takes at least thirty days to form a habit, so there's still hope."

Sirius shrugged, picked up the finally clean cauldron and placed it on the table to his left that was designated for completed ones, before walking back over to grab another dirty one to clean.

"So, what's your mother like?" he asked in a feigned casual tone.

James tossed his cleaning rag into the large black cauldron he'd been working on the past half hour and pushed himself up onto the edge of the cluttered table, pushing down rolled sleeves. "She's old, I mean, older than most mums. My parents had me after they thought they couldn't have kids anymore. I was a bit of a surprise," he said the last part with a mischievous grin.

Sirius set down his wash rag and joined the wizard on the table's edge. "Seems fitting."

James laughed, and Sirius smiled slightly in response as he stared down at his feet that he was shuffling in the air less than a foot above the grey stone dungeon floors.

"What's your mum like? She _obviously_ has a temper but when she's not angry, how is she?" James asked, clearly referring to the howler he'd witnessed.

Sirius's feet stilled. He took in a quiet breath. "She's... very reserved," he said, grey eyes trained on black dress shoes. His mother had always been quiet with her affection towards him, but Sirius couldn't help but notice it had gotten progressively cooler and more mechanical with each passing year, and that was when he had been doing basically everything they wanted of him. But now—He resisted the urge to rub at his tightened chest.

The two boys sat quietly for a couple minutes until James slid off the table top. "We should probably finish these cauldrons now." He frowned at the depressingly full 'dirty' table behind Sirius, the sitting wizard glancing over his shoulder to shoot the full night of work a look filled with disdain. "I'd use the scrubbing charm, but my mum said it can react badly to certain spilled potions, and I'm not exactly sure what is on these cauldrons," James said, "They might explode."

Sirius looked back slowly, his eyes glinting with some emotion, and he jumped off the table. "Well, there's only one way to find out," he said.

James's mouth curled up one side. "I like how you think, Sirius."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Remus said as he stood pajama-clad in the middle of the dorm, glancing between his two bruised friends, who were lying on their beds still in their uniforms. They had just straggled in a few minutes ago, and Peter was already sleeping with his curtains pulled tight. "You two got detention while you were _in_ detention?" He shook his head in disbelief.

Sirius squinted his eyes, a headache pulsing insistently at his temples as he looked up at the sandy-haired boy. "Did you get me something?" he asked in a weak voice. "I could go for some chocolate right now."

James laughed and then groaned when it made the large bruise on his side ache. "Why would Remus give you anything? You act like such a bloody bird sometimes, Sirius."

"Sod off, Potter," he said shortly before looking back up at the wizard with an air of expectation. Remus sighed at the ridiculous request.

"Sorry, I didn't get you any. I do have some on me, bu-"

"Thanks, Remus." Sirius held out a hand and waited. When the wizard merely stared at his outstretched palm he added a slight tremor to it and then groaned pathetically.

Remus sighed again. "Oh, all right." He reluctantly pulled out a chocolate bar from his pants pocket, sitting down at the foot of Sirius's bed, opened the silver wrapping and then broke off half of it for his friend.

"Oi, what about me?" James asked from across the room.

Remus moved the remaining chocolate closer to his chest in a protective manner.

"Sorry James, Remus is only sharing with me. Don't want people to think you're a bird," Sirius scoffed, nudging Remus's leg with his foot and eliciting a grin from the other wizard.

"What! No! I didn't actually mean that. You know that. Right? Right, Remus?"

Remus arched a sandy eyebrow and took a bite of his half. Sirius followed suit.

"You two are the worst friends ever," James groaned, his two friends started sniggering in response.

* * *

Sirius sat on his bed with the curtains pulled late on the first Friday night in December. School had been in session for months, Sirius's twelfth birthday had come and gone unnanounced, detentions had been served with usually just James as his companion and Christmas was in only a few weeks - and he had somehow missed each of the four meetings he'd made with the headmaster to discuss the possibility of a house transfer. He hadn't meant to, but he had gotten detention on those days. He'd served a lot of detention time over the past few months.

The dark-haired wizard began to chew on his thumbnail as he thought about what he should do.

He was growing more and more reluctant to the idea of switching to Slytherin, and for many reasons. First off, Bellatrix loathed him now with a passion and while she wouldn't openly go against him, he couldn't imagine sleeping very soundly with her so nearby. He shivered at the thought. Secondly, he had grown quite an aversion towards the house itself after being in Gryffindor for so many months. He was still sitting with the three Slytherins in Charms and Potions, but they hadn't exactly warmed to each other. It was more so an understood tolerance of sorts. The animosity between Gryffindors and Slytherins was as strong as it got at Hogwarts. Lastly, he liked his dorm mates. _A lot_. They _were_ his friends. He didn't want to leave them and make new ones in Slytherin.

Sirius groaned at his situation.

"Sirius? Are you all right in there?" Remus's quiet voice asked from just outside drawn curtains.

Sirius pulled back one side and shot a tight smile up at his friend. "Yeah, just thinking. Want to join me?"

Remus's eyebrows shot up in surprise. " _Join you_?"

Sirius's smile morphed into a mischievous one. "What's wrong? Afraid I'll try to snog you?" he teased.

"No, I. I didn't mean it like that at all. I-"

"Just get in."

Remus climbed in without a word and settled down at the end of the bed, his knees pulled up against his chest, arms wrapping around them.

Sirius let the shade drop, settling down onto his back and staring up at the darkly-stained ceiling. "What're you doing awake?"

Remus let out a sigh. "Couldn't sleep."

Sirius nodded. "Nervous about going home?" he asked in a forced light tone.

"Why.. Why do you think I'm going home?" Remus asked in a guarded voice.

Sirius laughed, rolling his eyes. "You've gone home every month since school started, Remus," he responded. Something poked uncomfortably at his thoughts, and he pushed it away. "So you're not?"

Remus sat silently for a few beats before answering in almost a whisper. "No, I am."

"Sorry, forget I said it," Sirius said, feeling guilty for bringing up the obviously sensitive subject. He lay quietly with the wizard. He knew Remus was really worried about his sick mother. He'd come back from each of the visits looking like he hadn't slept or eaten while he was away. Sirius wondered if she had much more time.

Remus spoke up finally. "What's bothering you? Same thing? I mean - with Christmas coming up - that is."

Sirius started to deny that he was worried but stopped. He nodded in the safety of the darkness before finding his voice. "Yeah, I guess so... Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll tell me to stay here for Christmas break," he said with a dry laugh, actually hoping that they would welcome him home and tell him they were okay if he chose to remain in Gryffindor. He missed his parents and being at home. He didn't know why. But he did.

"I think I'm going to stay here for Christmas. So I guess we can keep each other company, with Peter and James gone," Remus said quietly.

"Why aren't you going home?" Sirius asked, black brows furrowing as he stared up at the high ceiling.

Remus shifted in the bed, stretching out and settling onto his back too so that his feet were up by Sirius's pillow. "My family's traveling for the holidays, they're visiting my mum's family. Her father - my grandfather - he's not doing well, and they won't be back in time for term... So, I probably can't go," he said in an unusually monotonous tone as he stared up at the same blank ceiling.

Sirius tossed him down his extra pillow. "Rotten luck, Mate." Remus placed the pillow under his head, his eyes closing as he hummed his assent.

Sirius's eyes began to grow heavy as they lay in a comfortable silence. Maybe it wouldn't be _so_ bad if he had to stay at school for the winter break. He didn't want Remus to be all alone.

* * *

"Sirius! Sirius! Remus has gone missi-" James stood with a handful of Sirius's curtains in his fist, his mouth agape as he stared down at the two wizards sleeping on Sirius's bed.

"Pete! Pete, come here!" James hissed, waving frantically at his friend as he held the curtain to Sirius's bed open.

"What is it?" Peter grumbled as he stumbled out of his bed and made his way over to James.

"Look!" James whispered, pointing into Sirius's bed.

Peter shot him a disturbed look, not moving to peer into the wizard's private quarters.

"Just _look_!"

Peter sighed and moved closer, peering into the bed. "Bloody heck!"

"Wha-" Grey eyes fluttered open.

"Agh. Shut up or I'll do it for you!"

James let the curtains drop at Remus's threat. He and Peter stared at each other for a few beats before they both started sniggering as Sirius woke up completely on the other side. The dark haired wizard sat up with a yawn, smoothing his hair down as Remus rolled onto his side, facing away from him.

"Why wasn't I invited to the slumber party?" James asked from the other side of Sirius's curtain in a feigned hurt voice.

"Because it was a _best friend_ slumber party," Sirius quipped loudly. "Ah-h!" The wizard found himself on the floor beside his bed.

"I said to shut it!" came an irritated voice from behind the curtains.

"He's such a grumpy sleeper," Sirius said rather cheerfully, pushing himself up off wide wooden planks and stretching clasped hands up over his head with a grunt.

"No, he's a _peaceful_ sleeper. He's a grumpy _waker_ ," James corrected his friend.

Sirius brushed off the imagined dust from his pajama pants. "Touché."

* * *

_Dear Sirius,_

_Your father and I have decided it best if you don't come home over the holidays. We think your time would be best spent at school working on transferring to Slytherin House. We have arranged to have your presents sent there._

_Happy Christmas,_

_Mother_

Grey eyes watched on idly as fingers began to refold crisp parchment slowly along pre-creased lines, Sirius's mind buzzing, somehow feeling too busy and completely empty at the same time.

He supposed he should just be happy she was being civil with him again. Sirius set the parchment down on his bed in front of him. He wondered if she would continue along that vein if he told her he didn't want to transfer any longer, or what his father might do. Lips pressed together.

"I don't know why you like it so much. It's evil," James said from the other side of the room as he suspiciously eyed the black owl, resting on Remus's arm. Peter was hiding in the bathroom. The owl made an angry noise in James's direction.

"I think he's sweet," Remus said, rifling through his pockets and finding a piece of chocolate. He fed it to the owl as James stared on in disgust. He gave the owl a scratch under its beak before lifting his arm and allowing it to fly off.

James walked over and dropped down onto his side on Sirius's bed, looking at the note and then up at him expectantly. "So, what'd she say?"

Sirius let out a slow breath. "Guess I'll be staying here for Christmas."

"I'm sorry, S-Hey, _wait_! I could ask my parents if you can come stay with us for break instead!" James said excitedly, pushing himself upright.

Sirius glanced over to Remus, who'd sat down on his own bed and pulled out a book from his nightstand. "I don't know... Remus is staying, and I don't want to abandon him," he said.

Remus looked up. "It's okay Sirius, I don't mind."

James let out an exasperated noise. "You two are _ridiculous_! I'll just see if Remus can come, too!"


	6. Chapter 6

"Bye Peter!"

"Bye Pete!"

"Bye Petey!"

"Bye guys!" Peter yelled, the short blond waving over his shoulder as he walked away with his mother, leaving the three wizards standing only a few feet from the stairs of the shiny red engine, steam still rolling off of it as James searched the crowd of wizards and witches for his mother.

"Well, I guess we know where Peter got his looks now." The statement was followed by two sets of sniggers.

"Sirius..." Remus said, the left corner of his mouth twitching suspiciously as he shot the wizard a disappointed look.

"What? I don't know why that has to be taken negatively. It was more of an... observation." Sirius smiled widely.

James tried to hide his laughter with some poorly executed coughs, and Remus shook his head, a begrudging smile making itself more pronounced.

"Oi, there's my mum! Come on guys!" James exclaimed suddenly before taking off down the crowded platform towards a tall, older-looking witch in a long, red dress coat. She was an attractive, slender woman, with long black hair pulled back into a neat bun, her features somewhat reminiscent of Sirius's mother but softer, not as sharp.

Sirius trailed after his friend slowly, Remus by his side, and he watched as his friend gave his mother a big hug which she returned just as enthusiastically, the witch wearing a familiar grin.

"Mum, this is Remus Lupin, and this, is Sirius Black," James said, motioning to his silent friends.

James's mother smiled warmly at the two boys. "Hello, Remus Lupin," she said, leaning down and hugging the boy briefly. The sandy-haired wizard flushed and nodded after hesitantly returning the gesture.

"Nice to meet you, ma'am." Remus smiled shyly.

The woman gave him an answering smile before turning her full gaze on Sirius.

The Black heir swallowed hard. He was inexplicably nervous. He felt the urge to shuffle his feet. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Potter," he said in an unusually polite voice, bowing slightly. James's eyes widened in surprise.

The witch's smile grew. She leaned forward cautiously and pulled the tallest wizard into an embrace. Sirius felt himself tense, waiting for the witch to pull away abruptly. When she merely gave him a squeeze, he smiled and wrapped his arms around her lightly and allowed himself to enjoy the hug for a moment before pulling away.

"Please, call me Aunt Dorea," she said to him. Sirius smiled and nodded.

"All right, come along boys," she said, tucking a loose strand of hair from her bun behind her ear as she began to walk, James by her side as Remus and Sirius followed behind, their trunks having already been taken by a house elf, who had been waiting at the stairs when the three wizards had disembarked. "James, your father will be home in two days. So, I expect you three to be on your best behavior until then."

"When am I ever not on my best behavior, Mother?" James asked with a twinkle in his eyes, earning him a tinkling laugh as the trio made their way to the nearest floo system.

* * *

"AHHHHHH!"

James landed with a loud crash as he missed pillows waiting at the bottom of the stairway railing, instead sliding across smooth marble flooring and into a tall ornamental table, knocking it over.

Sirius let out a barking laugh from the top of the grand staircase as James groaned thirty feet below in the entryway of Potter Manor. He slowly stood up. "Okay Sirius, your turn," he said as he pushed the table up and then out of the pathway for the wizard.

"Sirius, maybe you-" Remus cut himself short when the wizard jumped onto the railing backwards and began to slide down it. He managed to land on the pile of pillows and jumped up with a whoop of excitement, giving James a high-five.

"Come on, Remus! It's your turn now!"

Remus shook his head.

"Do it!"

Remus shook his head again.

"Don't be a pansy, Lupin!"

"Yeah, don't be a _pan_ -Oh, hello, Mother," James said as his mother stood just inside the entryway with her arms crossed, one eyebrow arched, a hand settled on her hip as she formed the unamused visage of a disapproving parent.

"James. I see you boys are using the railway as your personal slide," she said, her lips pressed together.

Sirius looked down at his feet, a tight feeling rushing in his chest at the disapproving words. He blinked a few times as he tried to keep his breathing steady. He knew James's mother was usually nice, but he didn't know her discipline policy. _Is she going to have us beaten? James wouldn't have suggested it if so. Right?_

The older witch looked curiously at Sirius before saying in a more gentle tone, "I think you've had enough fun on it today. Why don't you three get ready for bed?"

Sirius looked up quickly, confusion swamping his thoughts and making it difficult to think straight. Dorea smiled softly at him and then walked off quietly. "Are we in trouble?" the wizard asked as soon she was out of view.

James frowned by his side. "Well, we aren't allowed to do it anymore. So... yeah?"

Sirius's frown deepened. "What's going to happen to us?"

Remus walked down the steps to join them. "What do you mean?" James asked.

"I think he wants to know if there will be a punishment, James," Remus said slowly in a quiet voice, his gaze flitting to Sirius as he spoke.

Sirius flinched at the word, but tried to act like it hadn't happened as he shifted nervously despite his best efforts to remain still.

"Oh, uh. No. No punishment other than not being able to slide anymore," he said in a confused voice.

Sirius let out a held breath. _Of course not. What was I thinking_. "Right. Let's go to bed, then," he said in a reserved voice, sounding a lot like he had on the train when they'd first met.

"Sounds good," Remus said, discreetly eyeing the boy as they began to make their way up the stairs.

Sirius didn't say anything as his legs carried him up the stairs, his muscles tensing, feeling more restless with each step.

"Too bad you missed your slide, Remus," James said sullenly, picking up the pillows and tucking them under his arms as he followed his two friends.

"Yeah. Too bad. I think I'll live," Remus responded dryly as he continued to watch Sirius out of the corner of his vision.

The three wizards made their way to James's room. The house elves had transfigured three beds like their ones at Hogwarts, but twice the size, for their stay. Remus and Sirius both had their trunks pushed up to their beds.

Sirius entered the large room, walking immediately to his trunk and retrieving a set of pajamas, his mind buzzing uncomfortably and muscles refusing to relax.

James walked in after him and plopped down on his bed. "So, what do you guys want to do now?" he asked in a casual tone, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling, resting his arms over his chest and beginning to twiddle his thumbs hyperactively.

Remus sat down on his own bed, undoing his tie. "Aren't you tired?" he asked.

James laughed. "No, I'm wide awake. What do you want to do, Sirius?" He sat up after a moment, when he didn't receive a response. "Where's Sirius?" he asked Remus, looking around the room for the other black-haired wizard.

The sandy-blond sighed. "He's in the bathroom changing for bed."

James furrowed his eyebrows in thought. "Why?"

Remus walked over to his own trunk and pulled out his clothes for the night. "Maybe he's tired," he said evasively, sounding suddenly very exhausted.

James scoffed at the idea. Sirius walked out of the bathroom, not making eye-contact with either of his friends as he made his way to his bed.

"Sirius, are you _tired_?" James asked, his voice full of disbelief, treating the final word as if it were a curse. Remus ducked out of the conversation and walked toward the bathroom quietly to change.

"Yeah, I guess so," Sirius answered as he climbed on to his bed, not exactly sure how he felt. He just needed some rest and then he'd feel better.

"Something bothering you, mate?" James asked, standing up and then walking over to Sirius's bed and plopping down on it.

The tall wizard shrugged his shoulders, not meeting his friend's gaze. "Just don't want to get in trouble, I guess," he said quietly.

James scoffed. "Don't want to get into _trouble_?" he asked incredulously, and he laughed, Sirius bristling at the sound. "What, don't tell me you've suddenly become a goody-two-shoes!"

And Sirius's eyes flashed with anger. He shoved himself off the bed and glared down at the wizard. "You're one to talk, _Potter_ ," he said, his voice rising, "'Mummy. Oh Mummy! Yes Mother! Sorry Mother!' You're such a _suck-up_!" the tall boy mocked his friend.

James stood up quickly. "Well, at least my mother is _nice_ to me-"

"James-!" Remus had reentered just in time to hear the boy's harsh words and see Sirius's face drop.

"-Yours is only worried about blood purity and-"

"Sod off, Potter!" Sirius roared, and he shoved his friend so hard he fell onto the floor. He moved to attack him but was stopped by arms wrapping around him.

"Let me go, Lupin!" Sirius shouted, as the sandy-haired boy held him around the chest.

"No, just calm down, he didn't mean it, Sirius," Remus said in as calm of a voice as he could with his friend trying to get loose of his grip.

James pushed himself up slowly, his mouth agape as he watched his friend rage against Remus's hold like he wanted to kill him.

"Don't tell me what to do, you half-blood!" Sirius shouted. Remus closed his eyes but didn't let go. "Now let me _go_!"

"I'll let you go when you've calmed down."

"Oi, don't talk to Remus like that!" James yelled, moving closer to the two boys.

"Just stay back, James," Remus warned as he eyed the wizard, not trusting him.

James stopped, jaw flexed. His eyes darkened as he glared at Sirius. "What's your problem, _Black_?" he spat at the unhinged-looking wizard.

" _You_! _You're_ my problem! You're just a filthy _blood-traitor_!" he yelled as he surged even harder against Remus's tight hold.

James's eyes widened, and he took a step back as if he had been punched. "You're - You're _no_ friend of mine, Black," he said hotly before walking over to his bed and grabbing his pillow, leaving the room with a slam of the heavy wooden door.

The loud bang seemed to break something in the struggling wizard, and his muscles gave out on him, the wizard dropping his head, not fighting Remus's tight hold anymore. James's words mixing with his own and swirling in his mind, making it hard to think, and he felt his chest begin to shake.

Remus loosened his hold on him. "Sirius, are you okay?" he asked quietly, turning the wizard around by his shoulders when he didn't respond.

Sirius lowered his head quickly. "What are you still doing here, Lupin? Shouldn't you run off with your friend?" he asked, his voice harsh.

Remus saw the wizard swipe his hand across his face in a discreet manner. "You're my friend, too, Sirius," he said in an even voice.

Sirius turned away, a sob threatening to break free from his chest, and he shook his head. "I don't have any friends, Remus," he said before walking to his bed and jerking the curtains shut immediately behind him.

* * *

"Remus?" Sirius stood just outside Remus's bed, he waited a long moment and then pulled back red curtains slightly to see the sandy blond sitting up in his bed, the wizard not acknowledging his presence. It had been a few hours since Sirius's explosion, and James still hadn't come back, and it appeared Remus couldn't sleep. _This is all my fault._ "Can I come in?"

The sandy-haired boy didn't say anything. He just scooted over, making room for the other wizard. Sirius climbed in, the curtain falling back silently, and then they sat side-by-side for a few minutes.

"I-I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius finally managed to say, staring into the darkness blindly. He felt the bed shift beside him.

Silence ensued, and just when Sirius thought he wasn't going to respond, Remus spoke up in a quiet voice. "Do you really believe all that stuff, Sirius?"

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. "What stuff?" he asked, being intentionally dense, because he didn't know what else to say.

"That blood purity is so important. That someone is worthless if they're not pureblooded."

Sirius rubbed his face with the palms of his hands as he struggled with the question. He had been taught the importance of blood purity his entire life by every family member he'd ever come in contact with. Even the paintings had made sure he understood the wizarding hierarchy according to his family's set of beliefs.

But here he was, sitting by a half-blood, and he couldn't think of anything he wanted more than his forgiveness.

"No - I mean - I don't want to," he said, his voice shaking slightly as he fought for the right words. "I didn't mean what I said earlier. You _are_ my friend, Remus... You're my friend, and that's all that matters, right?"

Remus sat silently, not responding.

Sirius felt a tightness in his chest begin to grow as he waited for reassurance. _Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore after what I said to him. Maybe he doesn't like me anymore._ "Remus?"

"Sirius," Remus said, "there are things about me," he stopped and cleared his throat, his words coming out so softly Sirius had to strain to make them out, "and... maybe you wouldn't want to be my friend if you knew."

Sirius reached out his hand in the dark and found his friend's. He gave it a squeeze. "No, that's not true. You'll always just be Remus to me," he said, not sure what the wizard was alluding to but finding that he didn't care at that moment.

Remus squeezed his hand back.

"Thanks, Sirius," he said, his tone still off for some reason.

Sirius let go, suddenly aware that he had just been holding his friend's hand. He slid his feet closer to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. "James hates me now, I suppose," he said in a rueful tone.

"No he doesn't," Remus replied simply, sounding more like himself.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his lip. "You don't think so?"

Remus let out a laugh, the sound slightly amused. "No, but he's probably _really_ upset with you, though."

Sirius groaned, and for a while, the two sat in silence in the dark.

* * *

Sirius woke up choking and sputtering for breath, his lungs stinging, and he was wet.

"Morning Sirius!" James was holding an empty bucket in his hands as he smiled down at his soaked friend.

Sirius started to yell at him but stopped short. He pushed himself up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed as he wiped his face with an equally wet sleeve, pushing sopping black locks out of his eyes. "Yeah, I guess I deserved that."

James sat down on the bed beside his friend, getting his shorts wet in the process. "I'm sorry for being such a git last night," he said.

Sirius smiled. "Friends?" he asked, and he shoved the wizard, who had been leaning against him.

"Best friends," James said with a huge smile and shoved him back.

* * *

Sirius, Remus and James returned from Christmas break closer than before. Peter returned heavier than before.

"Wow, Petey, how much did you eat over Christmas break?"

"Sirius..."

"Sirius is right, Pete, you might want to cut back a little," James said, leaning over to pat the wizard's growing stomach.

"It's just baby fat," Peter said defensively, taking another bite of the chocolate cake he had brought from home.

The four wizards sat on the train, on their way back to Hogwart's. Sirius and James sat on one bench, while Remus and Peter sat on the other.

"I might take a nap," Sirius said with a yawn, resting his head on the cool window beside him.

"That's an awful idea," James said, yawning immediately after his words. Remus fought his own oncoming yawn and failed.

The three wizards had stayed up the entire night before their trip back to school. They had flown brooms out on James's backyard pitch, Remus joining in after Sirius had begged him non-stop for ten minutes. They had raided the food pantry with the help of the house elves. They had also had another go at the railing slide. James's father had even joined in for a couple slides before James's mother discovered them and made him go back to bed, but didn't tell the boys to stop themselves. They had played exploding snaps and beat each other up a bit as well.

"Yeah, maybe I am tired," James mumbled as he curled up against the wall, wadding up his new school robes to use as a pillow.

"Are you guys going to want anything from the trolley?" Peter asked, looking up from his cake to find a compartment full of sleeping wizards.

* * *

"We should go down to the lake later," Sirius said, James nodding by his side, as he and his three dorm-mates made their way down to breakfast a little late. The slightly warmer April sun shone through the arched windows of the castle as they passed, a slight breeze with the promise of the coming warmer season on it drifting in along too, the charm on the windows that kept unseasonably cold air out not impeding it.

"Oh hey, my parents said you guys could visit for a couple weeks this summer," James said, practically hopping onto the first step of the shifting staircase even as it began to rumble in his excitement, the portraits above scowling at them as Sirius and Remus and Peter jumped on quickly as it began to pull away. "We'll have a blast!"

Sirius grinned as they continued down. "Yeah, and we can use your pitch to practice before tryouts. Maybe we could even get the house elves to join in to round out the numbers," he said. "I can't believe your parents are allowing us to stay again."

"Such a disgrace." The words were muttered, coming out quite possibly louder than intended in the large, open, and otherwise quiet stairway.

Sirius stopped. He turned his gaze down to see Severus Snape making his way up the stairs with a look of contempt painted all over his features, staring straight at him.

" _What_ did you say?" Sirius asked, his happiness gone almost instantly. He glared darkly at the wizard as he neared him, his wand still in his robes.

"You _heard_ me. Just because your family is afraid of the 'mighty Black heir' doesn't mean I am," hissed the Slytherin as he passed him, stopping once he was a couple steps above him.

Grey eyes narrowed as they met dark orbs that almost looked black, the look in them making his jaw clench and hands ball into fists. "You should be," he growled out and took a threatening step towards him.

The Slytherin's eyes widened for only a split-second before his cool mask returned. "Ah-Ah. If you attack me it'll get back to your parents. How do you think they will react to you attacking a Slytherin?"

"I don't bloody care right now." And Sirius's fists clenched tighter, as he moved to close the small distance when James grabbed his arm.

"No, Sirius. He's right," he said, causing Sirius and Snape to both turn to him in shock.

"What?"

James nodded before saying: "Let me handle it for you." His wand hand shot up immediately, hitting the wizard with a jelly-legs jinx - and his legs gave out from under him.

The four Gryffindors watched in surprise as the Slytherin began to tumble down the twenty-some steps. "Oops."

Remus grimaced at a particularly loud thud.

James's eyebrows raised and drew together when the boy flipped over completely once.

"Wow. I never fully appreciated that jinx before," Sirius said after a pause as the wizard crumpled into a heap at the bottom of the steps, his legs still wobbling as he lay there.

They all watched as the Slytherin tried to stand up once he had recovered a bit, but fall back over immediately because of the jinx.

"I'm hungry," Peter pitched in.

"Peter's really deep sometimes," Sirius said, and the four boys started back down the stairs, side-stepping a crawling Snape, who was trying to get to his wand that was laying a few feet out of his reach.

"You'll regret this Potter! You too, Black! You're both-"

"-Whoops!" Sirius cut off the wizard when he kicked his dropped wand down the long, empty hallway.

"You should be more careful, Sirius. You could have tripped on that," James said in a voice of feigned concern.

"I know, that's why I moved it out of the way. It was a hazard," Sirius said, opening the door to the Great Hall and holding it for his friends politely as the Slytherin pulled himself along by his elbows.

"You think you're so clever, Black. You'll _pay_ for this," Snape spat as he struggled along the floor, teeth gritted, after the other Gryffindors had disappeared into the Great Hall, the door closing itself quietly behind them and leaving the crawling wizard and Sirius alone. "What do you think your parents would do if they found out you were friends with a _half-blood_."

Grey eyes flashed with a scarcely-contained fury. "You'd be wise to think twice about threatening me, Snivelly," he said quietly, and a dark smile crawled up his lips when the wizard paused to eye him warily, "You don't know what I'm capable of." And then he pulled the door open again, throwing it shut behind him without a backwards glance.

Sirius straightened his tie and walked calmly towards his friends, pushing down the emotions whirling in his chest, his expression smoothing as he made his way to the Gryffindor table.

"What took you so long?" James asked as he scooped food onto his plate. Remus looked up curiously from beside Peter as Sirius slid into the seat James had saved him.

"Oh, just having a nice chat with Snivels," he said nonchalantly, his darkened eyes the only sign he was not happy. He stabbed a sausage and put it on his plate. He looked over to Remus's dish, which was empty.

"Not feeling well again, Remus?" he asked, an uncomfortable but familiar feeling prodding at the edges of his conscious.

Remus looked down at the empty plate, seemingly surprised there was no food. He cleared his throat. "Oh, uh. No. I'm just not hungry, I suppose." He then proceeded to pick up a croissant, despite his words, and put it on his plate.

"Good, more food for us then. Right, Peter?" James asked with a laugh. The blond wizard nodded agreeably.

 _Odd_. Sirius's eyes narrowed as he studied the boy across from him more closely. His hair wasn't as tidy as usual, his eyes were blood-shot, and he had an unusual air about him. Sirius frowned. It was not the norm for the usually well-kempt wizard... but he had noticed it before.

"Visiting your mother soon?" he asked, his voice coming out more sharply than he had expected.

Remus's head jerked up. "Yes, why do you care so much?" he snarled the question in response.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he saw _something_. The wizard's eyes had flashed, and there was only darkness. More than he had ever imagined possible. He leaned forward and searched hazel orbs, which were once again their usual appearance with only a glimpse of what had just taken them over. _What was that? Where did it go_? He searched in vain for a reappearance.

Remus blinked and pulled back, startled. "I-I'm sorry, Sirius. I don't know why I snapped like that." He looked down at his mostly empty plate, his entire body tense. "I'm leaving today after classes actually."

"Sirius, why were you gazing into Remus's eyes?" James asked before taking a huge bite of an apple, the apple juice trickling down on to his chin adding to the bluntness of the question somehow.

Sirius sat up, glancing across at the rather nervous-looking wizard, who looked like he wanted to run for cover, before responding lightly, "Oh, just admiring them. They're quite lovely."

James let out a loud laugh. "You're mad," he said, shaking his head as he continued to laugh. "Lovely. _Right_ ," he said, but turned away in distraction to watch a furious Snape walk through the doors of the Great Hall. Remus relaxed, his eyes shooting back to Sirius in surprise.

Sirius smiled at him and winked in a conspiratorial fashion, his smile growing even more so when the wizard looked disturbed by the action. There was something very odd about Remus Lupin, and he clearly didn't want anyone to know what it was. Sirius was intrigued.


	7. Chapter 7

"Excellent work, my boy, just excellent."

Sirius nodded with a slight dip of his chin, keeping his gaze on the Potions text open before him, his jaw flexing when a hand patted his shoulder predictably. "Thank you, Sir," he said curtly, hoping the Potions professor would take the hint and leave.

"Huh," the professor said, glancing almost idly once more at the almost-finished potion as it sat heating over an open flame, "yes, well, carry on then, you too Zabini," he said, giving Sirius's shoulder a final squeeze.

"Yes, Sir," Greg Zabini said politely.

Sirius let out a silent breath, the muscles in his upper back finally relaxing as the portly wizard walked off, mumbling to himself. The Potions master, Slytherin's Head of House, had decided very early on who he liked, and who he couldn't care less about in the class of Gryffindors and Slytherins, and it seemed to be based purely on talent or status, or both if at all possible. Sirius had been one of his favorites from the start if one were to go off the man's saccharin smiles and constant praise, but the Black heir had made a point to avoid interacting with him at all costs.

"Slughorn is detestable," Greg Zabini said with a shake of his head as the professor began to coo over the Potions duo that was Lily Evans and Severus Snape, the two wizards at the table directly in front of his cluttered desk.

Sirius let out a laugh. "Yes, and I believe he's eaten a few of the students if his girth is any indicator." He took the cauldron off the fire before dropping in two porcupine quills to prevent the cauldron from melting.

The wizard furrowed his eyebrows before laughing. "You're an all right wizard, Sirius," he said, shutting his text and then placing a piece of leftover ginger root on the table back into its dish and pushing it aside.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder as he stepped back to allow the Slytherin to do the finishing charm, the wizard waving his wand over it silently. "I think it's finished," he said, noting the first pink wisps of smoke beginning to rise from the potion.

"I think you're right." The Slytherin grinned at Sirius as they noticed the two Slytherins in front of them waving at their potion with their books as it started to emit a black noxious smoke.

"Can't say the same for Crabbe and Goyle though," Sirius said with a mischievous grin, earning him an answering smirk.

"Sirius, why don't you eat with us today?" Greg asked as they began to clean their desk.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at his friends and then back to the green-clad wizard beside him. He and Greg had formed a slight friendship over the past few months, but they had only sat in class together. He still hadn't requested a house change and there were only two weeks of school left. Although, maybe if he made some real friends from Slytherin his parents would be appeased and allow him to remain in Gryffindor.

"Remus, you're bollocks at Potions. Let me fix it," James said a few tables back from Sirius, a good-natured laugh following the insulting words.

James. He thought about how the temperamental wizard would react to him sitting with the Slytherin instead of him and Remus and Peter. _He'll throw a fit_. He squared his shoulders at the thought. "Yeah okay, thanks Greg."

* * *

"What do you _mean_ you're not eating with us?" James exclaimed in dismay as he stood just outside of Potions with Sirius, Remus, and Peter.

Sirius looked around the busy hallway, avoiding his best friend's glare. "Exactly that. Zabini asked me to eat with him."

"Oh, 'Zabini asked you to eat with him,'" he said, mocking his friend. He took an angry step closer. "Would you sit with Snivelly if he asked you?"

Sirius shoved him back a few steps. "No, listen," he paused and let out a sigh, guilt weighing heavily on his mind. He didn't want to argue with his friend. "It's just this once. Don't be such a bird, James," he said wearily.

"A bird? A _bird_! I'm not a _bloody_ bird!" James shouted, his voice towering over the voices in the hallway. "Do whatever you want! I don't care!" he shouted angrily, turning and stalking off without a goodbye.

Peter quickly followed him, and Remus stood rooted in place.

Sirius watched his best friend stalk away, casting a boils hex at an unsuspecting first-year Hufflepuff when he didn't move out of his way quickly enough for his liking.

"He seems pretty angry," Sirius said to the wizard still standing beside him as he watched the friends of the hexed Hufflepuff back away in disgust.

Remus smiled wryly. "I think you might be right. At least we just made the potion for that in class. Should be easy enough to fix." He placed his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I'll talk him down for you. See you in the dorm," he said before walking off, stopping momentarily to hand the panicking and boil-covered Hufflepuff his potion sample from class.

Sirius turned and made his way over to the three Slytherins, who were standing quietly against the wall outside of Potions, having just watched the scene.

* * *

"What do _you_ think, Sirius?"

The dark-haired wizard looked up from the grass he had been staring at for the past few minutes, he and the three Slytherins sitting outside after lunch under a slight overcast like most of the student body, the warm, still air not quite as nice as it would have been with a breeze. "I'm sorry?"

"Slughorn. He seems to have his priorities mixed up, don't you think?" Jonathan Goyle said, his gaze speculative as he waited for the Gryffindor's response.

Sirius could guess as to what the Slytherin was alluding to. Lily Evans had clearly become Slughorn's prize student, and she was a _mudblood_. Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "He seems like a fool to me," he said, not lying but his reasoning not quite running along the same vein.

Vincent Crabbe cocked his head. "Yeah? What would that make you then, Black?" he asked, his voice suddenly cool.

Sirius stiffened. "What's that mean?"

"You know what he means," Jonathan said. He looked over his shoulder, motioning at Sirius's friends, who were sitting well out of hearing distance under a tree near the lake, laughing about something.

The Gryffindor's gaze followed his, and he felt his chest tighten. "I don't think I do. Why don't you just say it?" he said, daring the wizard to say anything about the Gryffindors.

"Potter isn't too bad," Greg spoke up quickly by his side. "Isn't his mother a Black? And his father's side follows back to the Peverells," he said.

"I was talking about _Lupin_ ," the puggish-looking wizard said, spitting the boy's name out of his mouth like it was distasteful.

Sirius's jaw tensed, and he pushed himself in a standing position, the other wizards following suit.

"Watch what you say, Crabbe. Remus Lupin is my friend," he said, his hands balling into fists by his sides when the wizard scoffed at him.

Jonathan shifted closer to Vincent as he said, "Are you seriously taking up for a half-blood, Black? Wizards like him shouldn't even be allowed to attend Hogwarts."

Sirius took a step towards the two wizards, and Zabini stood up but didn't take a side amongst the three boys.

"If you don't take that back, you'll regret it," Sirius hissed, his black pupils growing and taking over grey irises as his body hummed with a furious energy.

"Forget that," Crabbe scoffed, "His _kind_ are a disgrace to all Pureblood wizards. If you ask me, they shouldn't even be allowed to _exist_."

And Sirius saw red, his fist pulling back and launching forward, hitting the wizard square on the jaw and knocking him back.

Goyle immediately moved towards the wizard, swinging at him, his knuckles clipping the Black heir on the bridge of his nose as he tried to pull back from the thrown punch.

Crabbe shook his head and moved towards the Gryffindor once more, his fists up and ready beside Goyle. Sirius resigning himself to getting hit as he angled his body towards Goyle, the larger of the two, when the wizard let out a groan and fell over suddenly, landing on the ground face first, James standing behind him grinning at his bloodied friend.

"Thought you might need help," James said. Sirius grinned before turning to Crabbe.

"What the-" Crabbe's words were cut off as Sirius's fist made contact with his face once more, knocking him over that time.

Sirius glared down at the two boys. "Remus is a better wizard than both of you," he growled out, his face pulsing with pain as blood dripped from his nose, and then he shot a glance over at Zabini, who shook his head, clearly holding back a smile as he leaned down to check on his two friends.

Sirius and James turned and walked off towards the castle, side-by-side.

* * *

"Here, let me fix that for you," Remus said in way of greeting as he made his way into the dorm, walking over to Sirius, who was sitting on his bed having skipped dinner.

The wizard's nose had stopped bleeding long ago, but the skin over it and around both his eyes had begun to bruise and swell. He hadn't gone to the hospital wing, because he didn't want to receive detention when they found out _how_ he had acquired the bruises on his face. Sirius sighed as he pulled away the cold cloth he had been resting on his tender nose, and grey eyes shifted down to his lap, studying the bruising skin on his knuckles.

"Don't worry about it. I'll be fine," he said quietly, feeling somehow even worse by the wizard's offer. Sirius had known how the three Slytherins felt towards wizards of Remus's blood lineage when he had first started sitting with them in class. He had felt the same way at the beginning of the year, or at least he thought he had. He just hadn't done anything about it until they'd said something directly to him.

"Sirius, there's no need to feel bad," Remus said, standing in front of the wizard.

"I'm going to sit with them again, you know," Sirius said, his gaze still downcast as he wished more than anything the words weren't true, but he knew he would as long as they would allow it. He had no other choice.

Remus nodded. "I figured."

"Doesn't that bother you?" Sirius asked, looking up at the sandy-haired boy, frustrated at himself on behalf of his friend. What was wrong with him?

Remus sat down on the edge of the wizard's bed. He looked at the wand laying near Sirius. "Do you know that wands are said to have similar characteristics to the wizards they are matched with?" Remus asked instead.

Sirius glanced down at the fifteen-inch black wand. "What's mine say about me? That I'm a complete tosser?"

Remus didn't respond at first as he picked up the wand, studying it carefully. "Well. Dogwood is very strong. It makes a very powerful wand that can only be wielded by an exceptional wizard, but curiously it's very mischievous and playful in nature." He grinned at his friend, who returned the gesture sheepishly, before looking back down at the wand. "The core. Well, it's much like the creature it came from; dark and tending towards violence." Remus ran his index along the wand. "But the length, it represents the open-mindedness of the bearer." He looked back up at Sirius, turning the rather long wand around and handed it back to him. He smiled at his friend. "You're a good person, Sirius. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise." Remus moved to climb off the bed.

The tall wizard grabbed his sleeve, stilling him for a moment. Grey met hazel. "Thanks Remus," he said quietly, and the sandy blond quirked a smile and stood up.

Sirius watched his friend walk away and climb into his bed, pulling the curtains shut behind him. He tugged his own drapes shut and lay down, his face aching as he fell asleep.

* * *

_Sirius,_

_It has come to your father's and my attention that you have been consorting with a half-blood. We have decided that you will be grounded for the coming summer and will not be allowed to visit your Uncle Alphard or anyone else for that matter for the entirety of the break. You will also be punished accordingly._

_Mother_

_Remus_. The note in Sirius's hands began to shake, and he slowly set the parchment down on his bed, his eyes unfocused. Punishment. He swallowed hard. He hadn't been punished for almost three years. He'd gotten so careful. He grimaced. That is, until he had started school.

Who would have told on him? Andromeda wouldn't have: no question. Sirius didn't think Narcissa would, because she probably didn't care. Bellatrix... Well, that wasn't really the witch's style. For a Slytherin she was rather straight forward, almost Gryffindor in her methods of revenge. No, she would come after him herself if she ever chose to seek retribution. Of that he was sure.

Grey eyes closed, and he settled back onto his bed, his body humming with a nervous energy. He knew it was best not to think about it; it didn't help. He pushed himself with his feet, scooting across his bed, until his head hung over the edge.

* * *

"I'm bored," Sirius said as he hung upside down off the side of his bed, his feet resting on the wall. It was the first day in June, and classes were through for the day. There were only a few more days of school left, and then he would be going home. He enjoyed the blood rushing to his head, making it difficult to focus on the upside-down room before him. Idly, he looked at the ceiling, imagining walking on it.

"You could study or do Charms homework," Remus offered as he sat on his bed across from the wizard, doing the latter.

Sirius let out a long suffering groan as he continued to let the blood rush to his head. "That's an _awful_ idea, Remus. When did you get so _boring_?" he asked in an irritated voice.

"Remus is always boring, Sirius. You just don't usually mind," James said, having just walked in the room. He stalked over to his bed and plopped down. "I hate Evans."

Sirius let out a mean laugh. Remus shook his head but continued reading.

"What happened this time?" Sirius asked before placing his hands on wide wooden planks and then flipping over and onto his feet. He staggered, regaining his balance as his blood worked to redistribute more evenly before walking over to James's bed and joining his friend.

"Oh, she just says rubbish is all," James answered, scooting over to make room for his friend.

"Were you making fun of Snape again?" Remus asked knowingly.

"Maybe I _was_. But, he deserved it. He's a slimy bloke, why does she hang out with him anyway?" James asked in a disgusted voice.

"They know each other from outside of Hogwarts, they've been friends since before school. I believe they live near each other," Remus answered as he scribbled something down on the parchment in his lap.

Sirius shot the sandy blond a surprised look; the wizard knew quite a bit about the unlikeable Slytherin.

"Well, I don't trust him." James glared up at the ceiling as if it had personally wronged him. "He's really full of himself, too. You know he was laughing at me today when I was making my potion!"

"You did end up exploding it," Sirius offered, something niggling uncomfortably at his thoughts as he stared up at the same view.

"Yeah. But maybe I wouldn't have if he hadn't been making all those noises while I worked. He probably jinxed it, he has it out for us," James said.

Sirius sat up suddenly, the uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind vanishing as it clicked into place. _Of course_. Snape. He was who had told his parents. "Maybe he did," he responded slowly.

Remus lowered his quill as his head lifted, a frown forming on his lips.

James sat up suddenly. "You really think so?"

Sirius nodded, his eyes widening slightly as they took on a dark glint. "Yeah, I do. We should get him back, show him what happens when he messes with Gryffindors."

James nodded back. "Yeah. Maybe we should."

Remus bit the corner of his lip as he studied Sirius. "Where's Peter?" he asked.

Sirius stood up. "He's down in the common room watching a game of chess," he said offhandedly to Remus, and without missing a beat added: "Let's go then, I heard him tell Evans to meet him down by the lake after classes."

"Have either of you finished your Transfiguration homework due tomorrow?" Remus asked abruptly, standing up.

"No, but it's easy, James and I can get it in five minutes before breakfast," Sirius said dismissively, walking with James towards the door.

"What can we do? We should plan something on the way. It needs to be something he won't forget quickly. Mayb-"

"Guys. _Guys!_ "

Sirius and James turned to see Remus standing nervously in the middle of the room. James's hand rested on the door handle.

"Yeah, Remus?" James asked curiously.

"Don't bother Snape, you'll just get into trouble."

Sirius shot his friend a suspicious look. "Why, do you _like_ Snivelly or something?"

Remus shook his head, confusion forcing his eyebrows together. "No, I just think it's a bit mean pranking him all the time."

Sirius walked back towards Remus. "You think we should just let him get away with jinxing James?"

Remus frowned. "That's not what I said. I just think.."

Sirius took another step closer, leaving only a foot between him and the sandy blond. "Just what?" he asked in a challenging tone.

" _Sirius_ ," James said, his tone warning as he moved away from the door, "just leave it."

"No, I want to know what Remus is talking about," he said, turning back to the quiet boy. "Are you and Snivelly friends now? Is that it?" And then he shoved his _friend_ when he didn't answer. His friend who was the reason he was being punished this summer.

Remus took a reflexive step back, shaking his head. " _Don't_ push me, Sirius," he said, his voice strained, and when Sirius let out a harsh laugh in response he shot him a concerned look that only made the taller wizard more angry for some reason.

"Or what." Sirius stepped closer, looking down at the boy. "What're you going to do about it, _Remus_?" He lifted up both hands, palms out and waited for Remus to respond.

The wizard only shook his head again and looked down.

"That's what I thought," he said and then shoved him back another step.

"Sirius, stop it." James pushed his friend away, putting himself between he and Remus.

"Don't tell me what to do, _Potter_ ," Sirius snarled.

"What... what is _wrong_ with you?" James asked, his tone more surprised than upset.

Sirius felt his anger growing. He couldn't think.

"I just need to get out of here," he said, the wizard turning and stalking out of the room in a hurry, leaving a confused James and Remus behind.

* * *

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter sat on the Hogwarts Express on their way home for the summer. Grey eyes peered out at heavy black clouds that hung ominously low in the sky, effectively blocking out the mid-day sun and making the compartment seem darker despite the lights. Colder too. Sirius had come back after the altercation between him and Remus in a subdued mood, and it had persisted through their last couple days at school much to the dismay and confusion of his friends.

"Are you sure you can't talk your parents into letting you visit for a bit?" James asked the quiet wizard beside him.

Sirius shook his head. "No, they're not very happy with me," he said, holding back the grimace warring to overtake his face. He hadn't told his friends about the note he'd received. It wasn't like there was anything they could do to help.

"Bummer. Maybe I could ask my parents to talk to them," James said, hope tingeing his words.

Sirius nodded barely, knowing it would be for naught. "Perhaps."

He avoided the questioning glance Remus shot him, looking back out the window instead and at the blur of shadowed green below. He just needed to get through the summer.


	8. Chapter 8

Sirius walked, expression tight and his stride noticeably uneven as he made his way down the long hallway to his room at Twelve Grimmauld Place, ignoring the muttering voices around him the best he could. It was the first day of summer break, and he'd only been home a little less than an hour.

"He's fortunate if you ask me," a painting of an old man, with a curly grey beard, said pointedly as the limping young wizard passed by his frame, the portrait's tone bordering between indifference and disdain, "my parents would have avada kedavra'd me on the spot."

Sirius bit down on his entire lower lip, forcing himself forward, his breathing growing stilted as his chest rose and fell in a staggered fashion. He just needed to get to his room. His white button-up shirt clung uncomfortably to his aching back, his whole body covered in a sheen of sweat.

His parents had ordered Kreacher to punish him as soon as he'd gotten home, and he had complied eagerly, the sadistic elf preferring a hex similar to the Cruciatus curse but simpler. It was an attack of the mind and therefore didn't leave marks, but the perceived pain when inflicted felt like a barbed whip ripping through the young wizard's back, and the phantom pains usually took around a week to wear off, almost as if he had been physically injured.

"That's the problem though. Isn't it, Lycoris?" a severe looking witch said sharply, as she glowered openly at the Black heir's retreating form, "If that were still the outcome, instead of a few hex-lashes from the house elf, the lad probably wouldn't have been so foolish in the first place. They've grown too lax, consorting with a _half-blood_ , it should have _never_ happened." The sound of grunted agreements sounded up and down the dark hallway.

"He's the heir, though, Elladora. There _must_ be exceptions." The words were met with a stony silence.

Sirius stopped, and his gaze lifted slowly from the dark green rug path to find the familiar painting who had spoken. The relatively younger wizard with no name plaque was looking down at him, painted grey eyes almost appearing sympathetic as they met his.

Sirius shook his head, loosening the foolish thought from his mind as he turned away sharply. That was absurd. No one felt _sorry_ for him, let alone a family member, whether he be in painting form or otherwise. The young heir had known the repercussions would be severe if it were ever discovered that he chose to befriend Remus. He had just foolishly assumed that they wouldn't. He continued on quickly, making his uneven gait even more pronounced, his face screwed up in more than just physical pain as he pushed open the black wooden door to his room and then shut it behind him as quietly as possible. It wouldn't do to upset his parents so soon after such a thorough punishment.

He grimaced, sucking in a hiss of air, as he climbed up onto his oversized bed, and he crawled towards the headboard, collapsing finally onto his stomach. Grey eyes clenched shut, weak muscles beginning to tremble and back throbbing as he pulled a pillow down, and his shoulders began to shake silently as he held the plush cushion securely over his head.

* * *

"Sirius, don't slouch, and stop picking at your food," Walburga Black said, her sharp matriarchal voice momentarily filling the formal dining room at Twelve Grimmauld with more than just the sound of heavy rain pelting tall curtained-windows and the occasional scrape of a fork or a cleared throat.

Sirius sat directly across from Regulus, his younger brother of three years, at the long, ebony-stained table that could easily accommodate his immediate and extended family, his parents seated at either end in high-back chairs, a black crystal chandelier looming overhead, its lit candles the only source of light.

"Yes, Mother," Sirius said dully, as he forced his spine in a more upright position despite the pain it caused in his still sore back, and he held back a grimace. Why did it still hurt? He suspected that the elf had adjusted the curse to lengthen the after effects.

He stabbed a piece of filet with the golden fork in his hand and lifted it to his mouth, forcing himself to chew the bite when all he wanted to do was spit it out and go back to his room. He had spent a lot of time in his room since coming home.

"Sirius."

Grey eyes looked up to meet matching older ones. "Yes, Father?"

"I plan to take you to Diagon Alley next month when I return from my business trip to purchase you some early birthday presents," Orion Black said, placing his napkin on the table by his plate as he studied his son, "seeing as how you will be at school when you turn thirteen."

Sirius nodded his head slowly in shock, careful to keep his expression blank. He was certain he must be hearing things. His father never took him anywhere, the wizard only usually talking to him to correct him, and he _certainly_ didn't buy him early birthday presents. As far as he knew, his mother had someone shop for all their gifts.

"I expect you will be talking to the headmaster when you return to school?" his father asked before picking up his wine glass and sipping from the tall-stemmed glass, his eyes remaining trained solely on his eldest son.

Sirius nodded again, swallowing back his questions. "Yes, Sir."

"Good," the tall man said shortly, and he stood up, adjusting the knot of his tie. "Now if you'll all excuse me," he said and then walked out of the dining room, leaving the two young wizards and their mother to finish their dinner in silence.

* * *

"Sirius!"

Sirius glanced over his shoulder to find his cousin Andromeda crossing the busy cobblestone road that was Diagon Alley, almost cutting off a middle-aged witch with too many bags to see where she was going on her way towards him, the wizard standing by himself outside the shop Quality Quidditch Supplies.

"Hello Andromeda," he said distractedly as the witch stopped by his side with a smile before casting his gaze back onto the highly-polished broomstick in the window, the Nimbus 1001, which claimed to be even faster than its predecessor the 1000, capable of reaching speeds of up to one hundred and thirty miles per hour and was even more maneuverable in bad weather conditions due to improved charmwork.

"It's beautiful," the witch said softly as she joined the wizard in his window gazing. "Is it new?"

"Yeah, just came out," he said with a nod, eyeing the cutting-edge broom covetously, "I'd like to go out for the team, I bet I could definitely make it if I had that."

"For Gryffindor?" the witch asked eagerly.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder as he continued to study the reddish-brown broomstick, wondering idly if they had it in a solid black instead.

"How've things been at home?" was asked lightly.

Sirius's muscles tensed. He didn't look over, ignoring the witch's studying gaze. "Why do you ask?" he said in a guarded voice.

"No reason," was said a little too quickly.

Sirius's eyes narrowed, and they flicked over to land on his cousin. "Tell me."

Andromeda sighed and glanced around before saying in a quiet tone, almost a whisper: "I overheard my parents talking the other night after dinner. They said that they thought you were being treated a bit too harshly."

They knew? Sirius took a step back, hiding his surprise behind a sneer as something uncomfortable began to press at his chest.

"Well, maybe they should learn to mind their own business," he snapped, his thoughts quickly becoming a swirling mess. Memories of his punishment swam to the surface of his thoughts, and he took another step back as his mind threatened to shut down under the suffocating weight of emotions flooding it.

"Sirius, are you okay?" Andromeda reached out a hand, causing the wizard to take another quick step back to avoid the unwanted contact.

"Just _leave_ me alone," he said, his voice cutting and eyes hard. He fought the urge to run away. _Keep it together._

"All right. I'm sorry," the witch apologized softly.

"Just _go._ " Sirius turned back to face the store front, not responding when the witch said goodbye before beginning to slowly walk away, his body buzzing with a chaotic energy. Why had she acted so sympathetic? They thought his parents were being too hard on him? Were they-

A hand landed without warning on the wizard's shoulder heavily, and he jumped and shied away from the grip. He turned his back to the glass window protectively and found himself looking at a very pleased James Potter.

"What's wrong, did I _scare_ you?" the messy-haired wizard asked, laughing happily and not noticing the transient look of horror on his friend's face.

Sirius licked chapped lips, grappling for control of his voice, his breath catching in his throat as his chest fluttered. "What are you doing here, James?" he asked finally, relaxing slightly when the wizard just laughed again, not seeming to notice the extent of his response.

"My dad brought me to buy a broom. What about you?" he asked excitedly.

"Birthday shopping," Sirius said, clipped, reminding himself the gifts were not without implied stipulations.

"It's your birthday today?" James asked, an easy smile gracing his face.

"No. My birthday is the third of November. It's an early shopping trip," Sirius said.

James laughed. "Lucky you."

Sirius let out a harsh laugh in response. "Yeah, _lucky_ me."

James frowned, dark eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. "Yeah, so," he paused for a moment, glancing around uncomfortably as wizards and witches passed by until his gaze settled on the window behind his friend and the object peering through it. His eyes lit with excitement once more. "Are you going to get a broom, too?"

Sirius turned, looking into the window of the quidditch shop. "I don't know... I'd like one, though," he said wistfully.

"Then you shall have one."

Sirius swallowed hard, just then taking notice of the shadow that had fallen upon him seconds earlier. He turned slowly to see his father standing behind him. He didn't think he cared about him being friends with James, but at that moment he wished he'd never ran into his friend.

"You must be Charlus and Dorea's son." Orion held out a hand to James, no smile alighting his face. "I am Sirius's father." He looked down at the boy with an unreadable expression.

James took the hand and nodded. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Black," he said courteously.

"James, there you are," Charlus Potter called out, walking at a quick pace down the sidewalk towards the three wizards. He stopped, placing a hand on his son's shoulder before looking to the two dark-haired wizards.

"Orion, it's good to see you," Charlus said briskly as he held out a hand to the younger man of ten years, who stood a few inches taller than him.

Orion raised one dark arched eyebrow before slowly offering his own hand in greeting. "Yes. How is Dorea?"

"She's well. And Walburga?" the bespectacled wizard inquired. Orion nodded once, not offering a verbal response.

James's father nodded back agreeably as he ruffled his son's already mussed hair, shooting Sirius a warm smile. "So, it appears our sons have made fast friends," he said, motioning to the two boys standing side-by-side.

Sirius held back a cringe.

Orion took a step closer to Sirius, the young wizard tensing as he resisted the urge to move away.

"It appears so."

James cleared his throat loudly, and Charlus shot him a pointed look that quieted him before glancing back at the somber wizard. "Would you like to have a drink together and let the boys shop for brooms?"

"Of course," Orion said politely, his expression remaining impassive.

Sirius watched as his father turned away with the older wizard, and then he felt a hand grab onto his sleeve, and he was ducking into the quidditch shop behind a pulling James. He stopped just inside when he found the broomstick within reach that was on display in the window.

"Wow, your father's a scary bloke," James said once the door had closed behind them, the wizard peering around the broomstick and through the window to watch their fathers cross the road together.

Sirius ran his hand along the floor model, the wood's shiny lacquer coating feeling soft to the touch thanks to a first-rate cushioning charm. He shrugged in response.

"I suppose you get to used it, though," James said, his statement sounding more like a question as he eyed his friend curiously.

Sirius let out a dark laugh and shook his head. "No, you really don't."

"Ah," James said in an unsure manner, pausing for a long moment as Sirius continued to study the new broomstick. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's buy a broom!"

Sirius looked to the wild-haired wizard by his side, hazel eyes wide with excitement and dancing with mischief, and he felt his lips turning upward into a smile for the first time in over a month.

* * *

Sirius walked into his room of black-stained, oversized furniture and dark hardwood floors, muted Slytherin green accenting the room drearily. He shut the door as quietly as he could in his excitement, and placed his bags neatly on the dark hardwood floor by his dresser and then set the long, rectangular box under his arm on top of his bed.

He smiled as he pulled off the box's top and gazed down at the newly-purchased broomstick. It was by far the best on the market, and his father had gotten it for him. He'd be one of the fastest on the team, if he made it. Mental images zoomed through his mind of playing an actual game on the field he and his dorm-mates had snuck on to more than a handful of times over the last year, and then his smile slowly faded as he pictured the quidditch robe colors he'd be wearing. _I have to switch Houses this year,_ he thought, and the wizard felt a slow breath escape his lungs. _Maybe I can still be friends with — James... and Peter_.

Sirius frowned and closed the lid back on the broom before sliding it under his bed and out of sight.

He walked over to the wardrobe that faced his bed, opening it and searching half-heartedly for clothes for dinner. _Remus will understand... Well, he would if I explained it to him, but I can't really do that._ He pulled out a white shirt and change of slacks and tossed them in frustration on his bed.

Remus was his friend. A better one than he deserved. He couldn't just abandon him. The dark-haired wizard closed the heavy wardrobe door with a solid click, and then he made his way over to his bed, an unadvisable plan forming in his mind. _It'll just have to be a secret,_ he thought as he began to unbutton his shirt quickly to change, his mood lightening somewhat as he plotted.

* * *

Sirius walked into one of the many libraries in the House of Black. The three walls before him covered from floor to ceiling with dark wooden shelves, which were filled with books of varying colors and age, but most were dark and most were old. The expansive room itself was lit with tall candles set upon intricately designed silver sconces as the two story high windows were dressed with tightly pulled, blood-red drapes to keep out the cheerful sunlight.

He walked at a lazy pace, the floor creaking under his feet every few steps as he moved along the perimeter of the room, his fingers running idly along the dusty spines.

He was bored.

His younger brother was being not-so-subtly kept from his presence by the house elves and going outside wasn't really an option, seeing as how he wasn't allowed to interact with the neighbors. And his usual monthly, summer visit to his Uncle Alphard's had been cancelled due to his grounding. He let out a sigh. He had been visiting with his mother's younger brother every summer for since he could remember. The wizard, while being reserved around Sirius's parents, was different when it was just him. He didn't talk a lot, and he was very often busy, but he always let Sirius be around him if he wanted to and when they did interact he would listen to what Sirius had to say, and the young wizard felt like he wasn't being judged, just listened to.

Sirius stopped suddenly when a howl ripped from the pages of one of the books he had just touched. He leaned forward curiously and read the worn title printed on the spine of the grey book.

_The Art of Hunting Werewolves_.

Sirius cocked his head as he reached out and ran a single finger down the bound work again. The howl let loose once more, the sound clicking in his mind in an unsettling manner.

He wrapped his fingers around the book and pulled it out. On the front was embossed, in almost the same color as the cover, a side-view of a row of sharp teeth clenched tightly together. Sirius touched the leather experimentally near the canines, and a wolf's face suddenly sprung forth, pushing at the cover it was seemingly trapped behind as if it wanted nothing more than to escape and tear him to pieces.

Sirius pulled back his hand in shock before a surprised laugh escaped his lips. The dark-haired wizard stared down at the viciously snarling book, an odd look slowly taking over his features.

And he smiled.

* * *

"Sirius, I've been looking for you." Orion's deep voice punctured the silence of the library where Sirius was reading. It was the last Thursday in August, and classes were to start back up the following Monday.

The young wizard quickly set down the grey leather book he'd been reading from and stood up, surprise written all over his features as he watched his father walk into the room. "Father?"

Orion settled down in the chair set beside his, resting elbows on cushioned red armrests and clasping his fingers together as he eyed the still-standing wizard, his expression inscrutable to the younger wizard. "Sirius, please sit," he said, smoothly, motioning his son back to his seat with a slight wave of his hand.

Sirius slowly lowered himself, forcing himself to scoot back from the comfort of the seat's edge. "Have I done something wrong, Sir?" he asked, tone quiet.

"No. You've been perfectly behaved this summer," his father said, eyeing the book on werewolves on the table between them idly, before his gaze shifted up to bore uncomfortably into Sirius's. He let the words sit for a moment before adding, "Can you explain this past year to me?"

Sirius swallowed around a forming lump in his throat, shaking his head when words failed him.

The older wizard let out a deep breath through his nose, his lips pushed together, and he spoke up, his tone contemplative.

"Sirius, you are my first-born, and the rightful heir to the Black fortune, this family's future leader," the wizard began, Sirius settling further back in his chair as he listened, careful to keep his expression blank as confusion buzzed loudly in his mind. "I'm well aware that the punishment you received this summer may seem," _—_ he stretched clasped fingers and then relaxed them slowly _—_ " _excessive..._ to many, but that's only because they don't understand," and he paused, cool grey eyes taking on a glint of some emotion uncharacteristically, "You Sirius, _you_ are destined for greatness and so I must hold you to a higher standard, like I was by _my_ father, and he was by his."

Orion leaned forward then in his seat, towards his listening son. "You _will_ be punished severely when you do wrong, but in turn, you will be _rewarded_ handsomely when you do right. Do you understand?"

Sirius felt his head nod slowly, the words sinking into his mind heavily, trying to find purchase, as he worked hard to maintain eye-contact. "Yes, Sir."

Orion's gaze began to intensify as he continued, his voice dropping as it grew more fervent in nature, "Sirius, you can have _anything_ you desire. You only need ask it of me." He paused, his gaze suddenly deathly sharp in its intensity. "So long as you _respect_ this family's beliefs. Is that _clear_?"

Sirius found himself nodding again, as something in the very back of his mind shouted at him to stop.

His father's lips turned up, perfectly white teeth showing, as he stood.

Sirius rose in response, his legs feeling unsteady as his father took a step closer.

"You are my son, and I care about you _very_ much, Sirius," the wizard said in a smooth, dark voice, placing a hand on his son's shoulder in an oddly comforting gesture as he looked down at him.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment as the affectionate words washed over him repeatedly. He looked up at his father and smiled back.

"And I care for you too, Father."

* * *

_Second Year_

* * *

Sirius feigned indifference as he walked beside his father, his mother following behind them amongst the crowded Platform of Nine and Three Quarters. Kreacher was trailing behind them all with the young wizard's luggage, mumbling under his breath and glaring dutifully at witches and wizards they passed.

The young wizard only hoped he didn't run into Remus with his parents around. His eyes flitted discreetly from family to family, anxiety hiding behind his aloof gaze as he searched compulsively for the wizard he was afraid to see.

"-Sirius. Sirius, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Mother?" Sirius asked, jerking his gaze from the crowd to meet the witch's as they stopped for him to board the shiny red engine.

"I said to write us as soon as you have your meeting," she said impatiently but without the usual bite. The tall witch stood in a fitted, long charcoal-colored dress coat, glossy black high heels, making her still half a foot taller than her rapidly-growing son. Her silky, black hair was swept up in a severely tight bun, and her lips were painted a deep crimson red.

Sirius nodded. He opened his mouth to wish his goodbyes when his mother suddenly reached out her arms towards him in an expectant manner. The young wizard's eyes widened in surprise, his mouth remaining slightly open. She hadn't hugged him since before school had started.

"Don't just stand there, gawking," his mother chided, words again softer than he would have expected.

"Sorry," he said quickly, walking forward and entering the embrace. He buried his face in the soft coat, the familiar scent of his mother warming him as she gave an uncharacteristic light squeeze. He pulled back hesitantly after a few long moments, remembering her past instructions too late, and at a complete loss for words that she hadn't said anything.

"Now, make us proud, Sirius," his father said, stepping forward and placing a hand on his shoulder once more as he looked down at his son, his eyes heavy with meaning.

Sirius nodded jerkily as happiness warred with an undefinable but definitely conflicting emotion inside his chest.

He pulled out his wand and lifted his trunk with a quick levitation charm, negating the need for help from the house elf, and he boarded the Hogwarts Express.

* * *

"Sirius, there you are!" James exclaimed as he pushed open the door to the otherwise empty compartment where the wizard was sitting. "What are you doing in here? This isn't our compartment."

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't know we had assigned seating," he said, his tone acerbic despite feeling a tinge of excitement at seeing his best friend after so long.

"You're such a git," James said with an easy laugh, walking into the room, his trunk in tow. "Have you seen Remus or Peter yet?" he asked as he lifted his trunk with a grunt and shoved it on the overhead shelf to rest beside Sirius's.

"No," Sirius said. _Remus_. He would have to be very careful this year. His parents had been unusually nice over the summer, barring the first day. Sirius held back a cringe at the errant thought, and he glanced out the window to see if they were still out on the platform. "They don't _have_ to sit with us every time, do they?" he blurted.

James dropped down beside his friend, his gaze slightly contemplative. "Suppose not. How was your summer?" he asked, pulling out his wand from his inside jacket pocket to play with it.

"Hot," Sirius responded shortly, and then he looked down at his hands. Why had he said that? His summer had _certainly_ been better than many past ones.

The door to their compartment slid open once more. "Hey guys," Remus said with a warm smile.

And Sirius felt his breath catch. He shouldn't sit with the wizard, he needed to leave, or Remus needed to _—_ No - no, his parents had only said he wasn't allowed to _interact_ with him, because they knew he was his dorm-mate for the time being. So, as long as nobody outside of James and Peter saw them talk he was still obeying their wishes. As far as they knew.

"Remus, good to see you, mate!" James chirped.

"Hullo James. Hullo Sirius."

"Hey Remus," Sirius heard himself say once the door had shut, his voice coming out a little hoarse. He cleared his throat.

Remus picked up his trunk and placed it beside James's with ease before taking the seat across from Sirius. He grinned at James before turning his gaze on Sirius, his expression softening slightly with what looked like concern.

Sirius stood up abruptly and pulled out the book from his trunk he had brought with him. When he touched it the howl startled the other two boys in the compartment.

Sirius sat back down and opened the text to the chapter he had yet to begin reading as the train's whistle warned of its imminent departure for still scrambling wizards in the halls outside. _Chapter Twenty - Recognizing a Werewolf in its Human Disguise_. The train began to pull away from the station, and Sirius felt his muscles slowly begin to relax as they began to pick up speed in the tunnel.

"Are you _reading_?" James asked from beside him, his voice full of distaste as he scooted away from the boy as if the habit was contagious.

"Yes, I didn't have much else to do over the break," he said in a tone that he hoped sounded nonchalant.

"What's it about?" Remus asked slowly.

"It's about hunting werewolves," he said, not looking up as he studied the picture of a muscular man in only a pair of ripped slacks with a wild look in his eyes curiously. "My grandfather bought it for my father to study he told me when he was first introducing him to the sport. They're actually quite fascinating beasts," he said as he began to read.

"Isn't that illegal?" James asked as he scooted over, peering at the pages with a fresh interest.

"Yes, but my family has their own set of rules," he said distractedly as he began to read again. _One of the most prominent features of a non-transformed werewolf is scarring-_

"Remus, are you _all right_?" James asked suddenly in an alarmed voice.

Sirius looked up, picking up on the tone of his friend, to see a pale Remus standing before them.

"Yeah, you look a bit peaky," Sirius added as the boy in front of him swayed ever so slightly. He reached out a hand to stabilize his friend.

Remus jerked back from the touch, almost falling over in the process, and he steadied himself on the glass beside him. "Ah, no. I'm fine. I, uh, I'm - uh - just going to go look for Peter, he might be lost," he said, letting out a forced sounding laugh before turning and bolting from the room.

"What's wrong with him?" James asked.

"No clue," Sirius said, dark eyebrows pushed together in confusion.


	9. Chapter 9

"I'm glad we're not up there again," James whispered to Sirius as another first-year wizard was placed with the help of the Sorting Hat. The four newly-turned second year Gryffindors were sitting in their usual seats at the end of the long table of red and gold, ornate golden platters before them still bare. A cheer lifted from the table behind them, when their new house-mate, an auburn-haired witch with the last name Diggory, made her way over.

Sirius nodded numbly, eyes shifting of their own accord to the table full of Slytherins, his oldest cousin noticeably gone. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad without her there, and he could still-

"Remus, are you sure you're feeling all right? You look awful," James said a little too loudly, pulling Sirius from his musings and earning him a stern look from Professor McGonagall.

"Yeah, maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey," Peter suggested quietly.

Remus shook his head as he stared down at his hands in his lap, instead of observing the sorting.

Sirius glanced over at his friend curiously. He really did look under the weather. It was weird though. Sirius thought he'd seemed perfectly fine when he first saw him on the train.

The four boys joined in clapping along with the rest of their table as the last student was sorted into their house.

"Good, now that's over we can get down to business," James said happily, food suddenly appearing on all the platters, filling them to their brims.

"What's that?" Sirius asked when his friend merely continued to stare at him with an expectant look on his face, seemingly too excited to eat.

"Our first prank of the year, of course," James said, grinning impishly and holding up a small vial with a deep blue-colored potion inside it.

"What is that?" Remus asked suspiciously, the wizard speaking up for the first time since they'd arrived.

"A welcome back present for Evans," James said innocently, his grin growing.

Sirius took the potion and studied it thoughtfully before a grin made its way up his own lips, mirroring his best friend's.

* * *

"I can't believe Evans got so worked up," James said in an unabashed tone as the four Gryffindors made their way up the spiral staircase to their dorm.

"Yeah, I mean, she kind of looked nice with a head-full of flowers instead of that brash red hair," Sirius said glibly, earning him laughs from both James and Peter as they walked into the room, their trunks already having arrived and situated thanks to the castle's elves.

"It was a little creepy when they started moving though," Peter said, shivering at the recent memory. The flowers coming to life in a Medusa-like fashion had been an unexpected bonus.

Sirius frowned when Remus didn't protest to their teasing but instead walked silently over to his bed. He had been surprisingly rather quiet about the whole prank. "We need to get Snivelly next," he chipped in, trying to goad the wizard into responding, as his gaze followed the sandy-haired boy's movements.

Remus set down a book on his nightstand and then walked over to his trunk as if he hadn't heard.

"What do you have planned?" Peter asked in an excited voice as he took off his school robes to reveal a t-shirt and jeans. The pudgy wizard having clearly gotten past his fear of pranking the Slytherin over the summer.

"Hopefully something good," James said as he flopped onto his bed, testing its comfort after a summer away.

Sirius crossed his arms as he watched Remus begin to search through his trunk quietly. He didn't look sick anymore just - upset, maybe?

"Remus, what do you think about casting a shaving charm on Snivels?" he asked loudly.

Remus looked up. "What's that?"

Sirius frowned again. He walked over to Remus's bed and dropped down onto it. "Something bothering you?" he asked, hoping that the wizard hadn't noticed he'd been purposely avoiding talking to him in the Great Hall. He hadn't had to try too hard, seeing as how Remus had been even less talkative than usual.

"Sirius, get off - my bed," Remus said quietly, voice uneven, and he walked over and stood in front of the four-poster, looking down at the wizard.

James let out a barking laugh as he rolled onto his stomach and then scooted forward until his upper body was hanging off his own bed as he fished for something underneath it.

"Why don't you make me?" Sirius asked in a challenging voice, a smile creeping up his lips in a taunting fashion when he noticed the flare of anger in Remus's eyes.

"Don't be such a git, Sirius," James called from across the room. "You can share mine if you insist on being such a bloody ponce."

Sirius laughed but didn't move from his spot. "No, I prefer it here." He waited patiently for the wizard to shove him off or possibly join him.

"That's fine. I need to go to the library for a book anyway," Remus said, not making eye-contact with the wizard lying on his bed, "I'll see you guys in a bit."

Sirius pushed himself upright as he watched the wizard leave the room, the door shutting behind him with a heavy click. "Well, that wasn't any fun," he said in a disgruntled voice before pushing himself off the bed. He turned to look at James, who was lying on his own four-poster with his eyes shut. He decided to take up his friend on his offer. He took a running start.

"Aghh! _Sirius_!"

* * *

Sirius lay awake in his bed late Sunday night, his curtains drawn. It had been a week, and Remus had barely acknowledged his existence. At first Sirius had thought the wizard was upset with all of them, but then Remus had slowly begun to talk to James and Peter again.

But not him.

Sirius pushed his blankets down angrily, kicking at them when they got stuck around his ankles. What had he done? He knew he hadn't been talking to the wizard in public, but Remus hadn't been talking to him either, not in public or private.

_It's as if he doesn't like me anymore. How dare he_. _And after all I went through! Does he think he's too good for me? That I'm not good enough to be his friend?_

Sirius shoved his curtains back and pushed himself out of bed. He strode over to the sandy-haired wizard's bed and pulled the curtains aside without warning.

Remus let out a surprised gasp and then covered his face. He'd been sitting awake.

"Go away, Sirius!" he whispered, not looking up.

Sirius steeled himself and climbed inside instead, the curtains falling shut behind him. He sat stubbornly in the dark at the end of Remus's bed uninvited.

"What do you want?" Remus asked, quietly.

"I. I don't know," Sirius responded, suddenly feeling at a loss for words. Arched brows furrowed as he scrambled for something to say, when he heard the wizard sniff, the sound suspiciously snotty. "Remus, is something wrong?" he asked, crawling up beside his friend and placing a concerned hand on his arm.

Remus pulled away from the touch and then he leaned back against the wall. "I'm fine. I'm - just missing home is all," he said in an unconvincing manner.

"Yeah?" Sirius bit down on the inside of his cheek and when Remus didn't respond he continued, hesitantly, "I thought maybe you were upset with me over something." He heard the wizard suck in a breath.

"No, uh, you haven't done anything. Why would you think I'm upset with you?"

"Just a feeling, I suppose." Sirius leaned back, resting against the wall beside the wizard, his arm brushing his unintentionally. He relaxed slightly when Remus didn't pull away from the touch. He nudged the wizard beside him with his elbow. "It was pretty funny when Snivellus looked in the mirror today, don't you think?"

Remus laughed quietly. "Yeah, that was an impressive disillusionment charm you cast," he said, his tone only slightly begrudging.

Sirius grinned at the memory. He had cast a charm on Snape's hair in the Great Hall to make it appear as if the Slytherin was bald when he peered into any mirror or reflective surface. The Slytherin had stomped off after catching a glimpse of himself in his own plate and immediately told on the laughing Gryffindors, so upset he hadn't even thought to check if it was actually gone.

"I can't believe that Slughorn gave him detention and deducted House points when he thought he was lying." Sirius snorted, nudging the wizard's leg with his own.

Remus laughed. "Yeah, how did you learn that charm anyway?"

Sirius's smile dropped slightly. "Yeah. I found it in a book over break actually," he said, trying to not focus on his time at home. He was a little surprised at how happy he was to be back at school and amongst his friends.

Remus didn't respond immediately. They sat in silence in the dark.

Sirius yawned and scooted down further on the bed.

"Sirius?" Remus finally said in a timid voice.

"Hmmm?" Sirius hummed, resting his head on Remus's shoulder, happy to be interacting with the quiet wizard once more.

"Uh, why are you reading that book on werewolves? What's your - goal?"

"Goal?" Sirius snuggled closer. He took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, his eyes closing as he relaxed even further against Remus.

"Yeah. I mean. You mentioned your father studying it to... What I mean to say is-"

Sirius's mind shut down as he slipped away, sleep pulling him under and away from the conscious world and Remus's voice.

* * *

"Sirius. Sirius, wake up."

Sirius groaned and scooted closer to the heat source beside him, his eyes stubbornly remaining shut.

" _Sirius_." The hissed word was followed by a smack to the face.

"Wha?" Sirius's eyes popped open to find Remus staring at him with an odd look on his face. "What's wrong?"

"You're, uh — you're hugging me," Remus said in an uncomfortable voice.

"Oh," Sirius paused, looking down at his leg and arm he had draped across his friend, "So I am." He unwrapped his limbs from the wizard beside him and then pushed himself up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"What time is it?" he asked, plopping back down on the bed when his muscles protested at his too-upright position.

"Time to stop cuddling," James said, pulling the curtains aside and grinning down at his two friends. "I swear, I am starting to get really offended. Why don't you two ever invite me to your sleepovers?"

"Because you arse is too fat," Sirius said, flipping his friend off.

"Oi! I'll have you know that my arse is just right. In fact, I caught Evie checking it out the other day at lunch," he said, wiggling dark eyebrows under a messy fringe.

Remus let out a laugh, and Sirius joined in with him.

James crossed his arms as he glared down at his two friends. "I'm serious! She was!" he insisted.

"No, I'm Sirius," the aptly-named wizard protested, ignoring the groans from his joke as he pushed himself up and off Remus's bed and onto the cold, morning floor.

"Where's Peter?" he asked, glancing over at the wizard's empty bed as he grabbed a change of clothes from his trunk.

"He went to shower already," James said, grabbing a tie and draping it over his left shoulder as he sat down on his bed and shoved his feet into still-laced shoes. "We'd better hurry if we want to get breakfast, there's only fifteen minutes left until they start clearing the tables."

"Yeah, come on, Remus," Sirius said, buttoning his shirt quickly and forgoing a shower to make it in time to eat. He pulled on his slacks and turned to see the sandy-haired wizard sleeping again.

"We should probably wake him," James said in an uncertain voice as he eyed the notoriously grumpy wizard.

"Yeah, go for it," Sirius said, motioning at their sleeping friend, who just then made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl as if he knew what they were planning.

The two dark-haired wizards exchanged glances, matching smiles appearing on their faces.

"We could leave-"

"-Peter to do it."

The two wizards took off and out of the room, shoving each other as they raced down the stairway to breakfast.

* * *

"Hey Sirius, slumming it with us Slytherins today?" Greg Zabini said as he sat down beside the tall wizard in the Gryffindor and Slytherin's newly shared class History of Magic, Sirius having taken a seat at the Slytherin's claimed table.

Sirius grinned at the wizard beside him, who he hadn't talked to in months, noting he had grown a considerable amount. "Yeah. I thought you might miss me."

Greg laughed, his lips curling up on one side as Crabbe and Goyle took their seats beside him, nodding curtly at Sirius, who returned the gesture silently. "How was your summer?" he asked.

"It was all right," Sirius said evasively. Why did everyone insist on asking him that same question?

Greg grimaced, nodding as he spoke, "That's about how mine went, too," he said in a knowing tone.

Sirius's dark eyebrows raised at the understanding words. He had begun to think he was the only wizard who hadn't had a wonderful break. "Yeah, I got a new broom, though," he said sardonically.

"Ah." The Slytherin patted him on the shoulder. "Sounds like you might have had a worse one than me then. I only got a new familiar."

The two wizards pulled out their books as the professor named Binns walked into the room.

Sirius had decided he liked Greg and he hated his two friends, Goyle and Crabbe. He'd only eaten with them a few times after their fight, but he was still planning to sit with Zabini a couple days out of the week and keep him as his Potions partner. He didn't want to cut all ties from Slytherin. He would need a friend when the time came to switch houses. Which wouldn't be any time soon.

Sirius had dutifully requested an appointment with Dumbledore the first day back and had received correspondence just that morning that the Headmaster had two openings. One in a month's time and the other on the fourth Sunday in May - the end of the year.

Sirius had initially been tempted to take the first meeting time until he'd realized that if he chose the latter he could stay in Gryffindor until right before he went home. He thought it was a rather good plan and one that while his parents wouldn't be overly pleased with wouldn't punish him for. If only he could come up with a better plan for his other problem.

* * *

"I'm not sure. Ask Sirius," James said rather pointedly.

"Sirius, what do you think?" Remus asked, his voice noticeably unsure as he spoke to the wizard sitting across from him at the Gryffindor table.

Sirius didn't look up from his plate. The four boys were sitting at lunch on a stormy Wednesday in mid-October. He shrugged his shoulders but refused to speak or make eye-contact with the wizard, ignoring the growing guilt he felt each time after blowing off his friend in public. He was sure Remus had noticed. Why didn't he say anything about it? It only made Sirius feel worse, because it almost made him feel like Remus thought he didn't deserve to be treated any better.

_No. He's just being polite_ , he thought, trying in vain to ease his conscience.

"You don't care? Is that what that shrug meant?" James asked sharply, offense dripping from his every word. "No opinion at all?" His voice grew more abrasive as he spoke.

Sirius looked up. "I didn't say that. I just - whatever you guys want I suppose." He looked back down at his plate. He had noticed Snape watching him closely at meals. He couldn't have the wizard tell his parents he was still friends with Remus. He fumed as he pushed the food around on his plate. He needed a way to keep the Slytherin quiet. But how?

"Maybe we could learn the Unbreakable Vow spell," Remus said with a slight laugh.

"What." Sirius's head popped up suddenly.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, lowering his glass of pumpkin juice back to the table. He looked surprised at being addressed by him. "I was only joking, Sirius. We can't use that spell. It's very dangerous. And I'm not sure if it would even work for the assignment."

Sirius glanced over at Snape, who had clearly just been staring at him. "Nonsense, it's perfect." He smiled widely at the Slytherin, causing him to narrow his eyes before looking away uncomfortably. He knew what to do with his little problem. He pushed himself up out of the seat.

"James, come on, let's go."

* * *

"What's up?" James asked as he walked alongside Sirius as they made their way through the empty library.

"You're my best friend. Right?" Sirius asked somewhat nervously as he stopped in front of the restricted area in the library.

"Yeah, of course, I am," James said, worry tingeing his words. "What's wrong?"

"All right." Sirius swallowed hard, nodding as he worked up the courage to speak. He had to tell him if he was going to get his help, and he needed it. He glanced around to confirm they were in fact alone. "I'm not allowed to be friends with Remus," he whispered.

"What!"

"Shhhhh," Sirius hissed and pulled the wizard into the restricted section before Madam Pince returned from eating in the Great Hall. "My parents. They're. Well, you know how they are," he said, running an agitated hand through his shaggy, black locks.

James nodded begrudgingly.

"Right. Well, someone told on me last year. Sent my parents a note near the end of the year and told them I was friends with Remus," Sirius said as he began to search the shelves for the book they would need. He had seen it before in his family's library.

"You got in trouble?" James asked quietly, despite sounding like he already knew the answer.

"Yeah, a lot." Sirius grimaced. He took in a deep breath, forcing his mind to stay clear at that moment. "Anyway, I think I know who it was. Who told." He looked at James meaningfully.

"Snape," James said suddenly.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. So, if we could make sure it was him and figure out this spell too-"

"Then you could talk to Remus again," James said, finishing his sentence. He scrubbed a hand over his hair as he looked around the restricted books and then finally back to a questioning Sirius. He nodded quickly. "Yeah, okay, I'll help you."


	10. Chapter 10

"Sirius, wake up, Quidditch tryouts are today!"

Grey eyes popped open. Tryouts. Sirius pushed his blankets down and rolled out of bed. He stood and stretched his hands up over his head, letting out a loud groan as his tired muscles resisted.

"Hey Remus, are you and Peter going to come watch tryouts?" James asked the wet-haired boy as he walked into the room, having just showered.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Remus said dully as he rubbed his head with a towel, walking over to his trunk and leaning over it stiffly.

"You're awake already?" Sirius asked in surprise. He studied the wizard as he stood up slowly and then walked around to his bed. He appeared to have a slight limp.

Remus nodded, his mouth tightening in a thin line as he settled down on his bed. "Yeah, couldn't sleep," he said, looking over at a still-slumbering Peter, whose curtains were open for whatever reason, not meeting his gaze.

Sirius tilted his head as he continued to watch the wizard closely. Remus'd been acting a bit off ever since his trip home the day before. He wasn't eating much and was moving around in a way that Sirius could only describe as 'careful.' "Nightmares?" the tall wizard guessed.

"No, I just have a lot on my mind," Remus said quietly.

He watched as Remus moved to lie down, noticing a grimace overtake his features momentarily. "You don't have to come today if you don't feel up to it," he offered, still watching the wizard curiously.

James scoffed from across the dorm. "Of course he does, he's our good luck charm. You always fly much better when he's around. You're okay, right Remus?" he said as he grabbed a set of newly purchased Quidditch robes from his trunk.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a little stiff from sleeping funny," Remus said, his eyes shutting as he rested.

 _He's lying_ , the thought popped into Sirius's mind unexpectedly. "Yeah? It looked like you were limping," he said in a feigned nonchalance, all feelings of guilt leaving him when the wizard's eyes shot open in surprise. He was right.

"Stop chatting and hurry up, Sirius! We're going to be late!" James shouted, and he pulled out his broom from under his bed, the fully-dressed wizard glaring at his pajama-clad friend as he stood.

Sirius glanced to Remus, who had sat up and was staring at his slacks, and then back at a very displeased James. "Yeah, all right." He turned and started searching through his trunk in a distracted fashion.

* * *

Sirius sat on his new broom high in the air, his left hand holding the handle securely as he held a beater's bat in his right. He smiled when James let out a victorious whoop after scoring yet another ten points against the current Gryffindor team as they scrimmaged.

The tryouts were set up as mock games, newcomers versus the remaining team.

Sirius leaned forward, his new broom picking up speed as he spotted a bludger flying towards his area of the pitch. He pulled up sideways on the hilt of his broom as it neared, coming to a sudden stop and swung back his bat.

He hit the bludger with as much force as he could and was rewarded with a loud, satisfying crack as it shot off like a bullet in the intended direction. It hit the side of the opposing team's star player, the Gryffindor Team Captain, squarely in the side of his ribcage, knocking him cleanly off his broom. He spiraled pleasantly toward the ground, hitting it with a small thump.

* * *

"Sirius Black, you're one brutal beater, you're going to do well on this team." Benedict Hewitt, a sixth-year and the interim captain, clapped the wizard on his back as he let out a hearty laugh.

Sirius grinned and turned to see an equally happy James talking excitedly to one of the chasers already on the team.

* * *

"So, what're we going to do for your birthday this year?" James asked Sirius lazily as he looked out at the tree-line of the Forbidden Forest.

It was a surprisingly warm day, and the four boys were lying in the grass near the lake, soaking up the soon-to-be gone sunlight after classes. They were the only students outside with dinner soon to be served.

"Not go to class for one," Sirius said, his eyes closed as the sun beat down on him, a slight breeze ruffling the folds in his shirt and silky black locks. James hummed, the sound dissatisfied.

"When's your birthday?" Remus asked from James's other side, pushing himself into a sitting position.

"In four days," Sirius said sleepily.

"How old will you be?" Peter asked.

"Thirteen, you dolt." Sirius frowned when Remus didn't chastise him.

"Wait! I know what we can do!" James said suddenly, pushing himself upright.

"What's that?" Sirius blocked the sun with his hands as he opened his eyes and looked over at the wizard questioningly.

"It's a surprise!" James stood up. "Just wait," he said, running off without a goodbye. Peter got up and followed behind him.

"He's so excitable." Sirius closed his eyes back as he enjoyed the heat on his exposed skin. He had the top few buttons of his shirt undone and his sleeves pushed up. He shaded his eyes once more to look over at his non-responsive friend to find him staring back at him. "Remus?"

"Oh." Remus blinked a few times and looked away from the wizard. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Sirius laughed. "I said - oh, never mind. What's got you so distracted today?"

Remus jerked his gaze back to the smiling wizard. "I'm not distracted."

"All right. Then what were we just talking about?" Sirius raised black brows as he waited for an answer.

"Oh. Um... Yeah - I haven't the faintest."

"My birthday, _Remus_." Sirius reached out a finger and tapped the wizard on his knee in a reminding gesture. "I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot it, you've been so off," he said.

"No. That's not true. It's just... I won't be able to be here for it is all," he said quietly.

"Oh." Sirius sat up at that, looking over at his friend. "You're going home then?" he asked. The thought bothered him. The sandy-haired boy had been coming back looking worse and worse ever since the time he'd returned with a limp, which he still denied ever having.

Remus nodded slightly. "Yeah, I'm really sorry, Sirius. If I could stay, I would."

Sirius shrugged a shoulder, and he pushed himself all the way up, glancing around them for other students, a certain Slytherin in particular. "No big deal," he said. "Come on, we better go before James hexes all my stuff as a gift," he joked.

Remus stood up, smiling tightly. "Yeah, actually now that you say that it sounds about right." The two wizards walked towards the castle, Sirius glancing around occasionally.

* * *

"Happy birthday!"

Sirius startled as he stood just inside the dorm with only a towel wrapped around his waist, inky dark locks wet. It was late Friday night, the day before his birthday, and his three friends were standing in the middle of the room looking rather suspicious.

"It's not my birthday." He dead-panned.

"We know that, you tosser," James said, rolling his eyes. "But we wanted to celebrate while Remus's still here. He has to leave in the morning," he said.

Sirius smiled widely at his three friends. "All right, well what do you have planned?"

"All in due time, but first, you must put on some clothes," James responded matter-of-factly.

* * *

"What're we doing up here?" Sirius asked, stepping off the top stair to the Astronomy Tower.

"We're going to have a party!" James said enthusiastically by his side, as Remus and Peter joined them to stand under the clear night sky.

Sirius looked around at the dark tower. "Right... and what are we going to do during this party?" he asked, skeptically eyeing the very empty space.

"This." James proudly held up a bottle of firewhiskey and a deck of exploding snap, having pulled both items from his schoolbag.

"And we got the elves to make this," Peter added excitedly, walking over to a stone bench by the banister and pulling out a chocolate-iced cake hidden under it.

Sirius grinned.

* * *

"And then I told her." James hiccuped. "I told her that I was twice, _twice_ the wizard Sirius Black could _ever_ hope to be."

Sirius took the bottle from his friend, who was drinking at a much quicker pace than him, and took a swig. "I can't believe she didn't go for that," he said with a mischievous grin.

"I _know_!" James groaned and tossed down the card in his hand, causing it to explode. "I think I may just give up on witches."

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Probably a good idea."

Remus shook his head, a smile tugging at his lips. "Peter fell asleep," he said, pointing at the curled-up wizard beside him.

"He's such a lightweight," Sirius said, taking another sip.

"When have you ever drank before tonight?" Remus asked skeptically.

"Christmas," Sirius supplied easily.

"Boxing Day," James chipped in.

"New Year's," Sirius added.

"My grandmother's hundredth birthday," James said before taking another sip.

Remus's chin dropped.

"Yeah, you see, Remus," James began to explain. "The adults, once - once they all get pissed up enough, they just start offering you sips."

"Or one of them inevitably ends up pouring you a glass of champagne, saying it's really weak, somehow forgetting that you're terribly underage," Sirius finished for his friend happily.

James nodded his agreement. "Here, have a sip," he said, offering the bottle to the sober wizard.

"I probably shouldn't." Remus took the bottle, setting it down in front of him instead of drinking from it.

"But it's my birthday!" Sirius wheedled.

"Yeah, come on, Remus," James said, tossing down another card just to watch it explode. He glanced over at Peter who hadn't roused in the least from the loud noise. "How does he sleep through that?"

Sirius studied Peter closely. "Maybe he's dead."

James looked at the sleeping wizard. "You might be right. I know how to find out," he said, holding up another card and turning to Sirius.

The wizard nodded solemnly in encouragement before responding, "I believe it's the only way."

"No!" Remus leaned over in front of the sleeping boy, blocking James's path. "James, don't throw that at Peter. He's not dead, I assure you," he said.

"But he deserves it, Remus. He ate almost all my cake. All of it," Sirius insisted.

"It's-it's true. I saw him go back for fourths," James added, holding up four fingers and nodding his head emphatically.

"It was fifths, actually," Remus conceded, smiling begrudgingly. "But, you still shouldn't throw a card at him," he persisted.

"Fine." James tossed the card to the ground, finding the explosion not nearly as satisfying as it had been only moments earlier.

"We should do something fun," Sirius said, settling back on the stone floor and looking up at the unobstructed night sky.

"How about we go to sleep?" Remus provided, lying down beside the wizard and yawning.

"That actually doesn't sound too bad," James said, settling down on Sirius's other side.

"Yeah, it might be nice sleeping under the full moon," Sirius said, stifling a yawn, his brain sluggish from the combination of alcohol and exhaustion.

Remus muttered something quietly under his breath, talking to himself.

"What?" Sirius asked abruptly, just catching the words 'not' and 'moon' but not able to make sense of them.

"Nothing," Remus said quickly.

They lay quietly for a few minutes, while Sirius considered getting up and going down to his comfortable bed but found he didn't have the energy just then to accomplish such a task. He heard James's breathing begin to even out as his friend fell asleep, lying beside him.

He glanced over to see Remus still awake, and he placed his hands behind his head, cradling it. "So, are you nervous about going home tomorrow?" he asked the sandy-haired boy quietly, who was staring up at the clear night sky.

"Yeah," Remus said in an oddly rough voice.

"Your mother's not doing as well?" he asked, trying to figure out what had changed over the last few visits.

"No, she's worse. Much worse." Remus's voice grew thick as he continued to speak, "It was expected, but it doesn't make it any easier."

Sirius pushed his lips together. It didn't sound like he was lying, but it didn't really explain Remus's worsening condition with each new visit. He wished he could help his friend somehow, but he wasn't sure what the actual problem was. "I'm sorry, Remus," he said finally.

"Don't be. It's fine."

Sirius thought it was anything but fine by the sound of Remus's voice, but he just nodded in response. 

Remus let out a deep breath by his side and spoke up again as he continued to stare up at the sky, "I'm really sorry I can't be here tomorrow."

Sirius forced a grin and spoke in a teasing manner, "As you should be. Now I'll have to spend my whole birthday with just James and Peter," he paused, his voice taking on a gracious tone as he continued, "Although it is after midnight, so you were here for some of it. I suppose I'll forgive you for abandoning me - but just this once."

Remus quirked a smile. "You're a fair and benevolent friend, Sirius Black," he said.

Sirius grinned up at the stars. "It's because I'm a teenager now, I've grown wise in my old age," he said matter-of-factly.

"So, you feel older already, do you?" Remus asked wryly.

Sirius let out a laugh. "Yes, a whole flipping day older."

Remus laughed warmly.

Sirius smiled at the sound. "I'll miss you tomorrow." The words fell from his mouth before he could stop them.

"You will?" Remus turned his head and looked at the wizard beside him, his eyes too lucid and contemplative for Sirius's comfort.

The tall wizard suddenly felt very uneasy, and he wasn't sure why. He pushed himself up. "We should go to bed," he said, looking anywhere but at Remus.

* * *

"Happy birthday, Sirius."

Sirius looked up from his lunch to see Evie Greengrass standing in front of the empty seat where Remus usually sat. The wizard had left that morning before his friends had even woken up, the three boys having slept in until noon after their late night on the Astronomy Tower.

"Hello, Evie," he said, winking at the blonde witch.

The girl smiled, blushing as she sat down in Remus's chair and almost giving James a heart attack in the process.

"I got you a birthday present," she said in a soft voice.

Sirius grinned at the pretty fourteen-year-old. "Oh yeah?"

She nodded and placed a small wrapped box on the table in front of her. "I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will," he said, reaching out and taking the box. The wrapping was golden and there was a Gryffindor-red silk bow tied around it. He pulled of the bow and tore off the wrapping to reveal a small, square wooden box. He lifted the lid and inside was a golden snitch nestled safely in green silk.

"It's a practice snitch. Well, it's a real snitch, but my father had it re-enchanted to work like a practice one, because the practice ones are a bit cheap-looking."

Sirius lifted the snitch from its box, and as he held it up to study it a flash of his other birthday Quidditch gift flitted through his mind unbidden.

"It's really nice. But, I'm not a seeker," he said flatly, "I'm a beater."

"Oh, I. I know that, I just thought you might like it," the girl said in a rushed voice, "as a token."

Sirius set the snitch back in its box securely. He looked up at the witch. "A token?"

"Yes, of, of our friendship," she said, sounding increasingly nervous.

Sirius put the lid on the box. "I see."

An odd sensation began to come over him. He felt angry and like he wanted to scream. They were not friends. And if she thought she could just buy him something to make it so, she was sorely mistaken. She was a friend of the family. Period. He held back the fury lashing at his chest and forced himself to look back up at the blonde.

"Well, thank you, Evie. I really appreciate it," he said in what he hoped was a polite tone.

The girl nodded and smiled hesitantly at him as she stood up, her gaze turning expectant. "I'll see you around then...?" she asked.

"Of course, we do attend the same school," he said coolly.

The girl blinked. "Right... Happy birthday, Sirius."

Sirius dipped his chin slightly in acknowledgement and then looked down to his plate as the witch walked away, the irritation in his chest refusing to settle. A hand suddenly smacked the back of his head.

"Oi! What was that for, Potter!" Sirius shouted, rubbing the back of his head before elbowing his friend soundly in the chest and eliciting a groan.

"Why were you so mean to her?" James asked in a heated voice as he rubbed his aching ribs.

"I wasn't. I said thank you," he snapped. "I just don't need this silly gift." He pushed the expensive present away from himself and over to James.

"Here, you can have it."

* * *

"My parents are going to come to our game against Slytherin next week," James said, an exhausted smile turning up his lips. "They said that they're excited to see you play, too. And they got permission from Dumbledore to take us to Hogsmeade after."

A warm feeling settled in Sirius's stomach. "Tell them thanks for me," he said as he walked beside James and away from the Quidditch pitch after an hour-long practice just a week after his birthday. Sirius swung his bat around lazily, carrying his broom in his other hand.

The recovered team captain had instructed him not to actually hit any of his teammates during practice, and so the wizard busied himself by seeing how close he could hit it at them without actually doing so.

"They also said to tell you and Remus that you're welcome to stay over Christmas again this year," James said as they stepped inside the castle and began to make their way through the corridors.

"Sounds nice," Sirius said in a non-committal tone. He didn't look forward to asking his parents for permission. He hadn't even told them that he had made the Quidditch team. He was sure they wouldn't be pleased.

"Well, look who it is," James said in an excited but hushed voice, stopping abruptly at the bottom of the main stairway and causing Sirius to look up.

"Snivelly," Sirius snarled as he watched Snape walking down the wide staircase, Crabbe and Goyle a few steps behind him. He grabbed James's sleeve and pulled him back around the corner so that their backs were pressed against the side of the staircase and not visible to the wizards on them.

"Snape, were you just with that little Gryffindor mudblood again?" Goyle's smooth voice carried loudly down the empty staircase.

"That's none of your concern." Snape's sharp response surprised the concealed Gryffindors.

"Oh, I think it is," Crabbe spoke up sharply, and the two wizards heard some scuffling and then Snape let out a cry.

James and Sirius looked up to see the wizard hanging halfway over the stairs' railing above them.

"Listen here, you _filthy_ half-blood. If you speak to me again like that you will regret it. Is that understood?" Goyle held his wand to the wizard's neck.

"We're on the same side here, guys," Snape said tensely, "There's no need for threats. In fact, I've been helping you with Black."

Sirius and James watched as the Slytherin was pulled back up and set roughly on his feet as he leaned against the railing.

"How so?" Crabbe asked.

"Let's just say - that I made sure he had a painful-ly long summer," the wizard drawled.

Sirius's hand clenched tightly around his bat. It was him. And it was _clear_ he knew what would happen when he told. _Painfully long_. The two words swirled tauntingly in the wizard's mind.

"You need to know your place, Snape," Goyle spat, "He is of _pure_ blood, and we don't _need_ help from a greasy bastard like you."

Darkened grey eyes closed as fury began to billow noxiously in the wizard's chest.

James grabbed his friend's arm. "Calm down, Sirius," he whispered in his ear, "We'll get him back. I promise."

Sirius swallowed, nodding as he forced the anger down, the action causing the pain he had felt and wanted to in turn inflict on the wizard inward once more.

"Let's go," he said, harshly, as he fought to maintain clarity in his jumbled mind. He gave himself a mental head shake and then stepped forward and made his way around the stairs, James walking by his side.

He looked up to see the three Slytherins separating, suspicious looks on their faces as they took notice of the newcomers.

"Hello, Jonathan - Vincent," Sirius said in a smooth voice, hiding his agitation and smiling politely at the two wizards as he walked up the stairs and towards them.

"Sirius," Goyle said, stepping away from Snape. "Good to see you, Mate," he said, no hint of deception in his voice.

Sirius looked to Crabbe expectantly.

"Hello, Sirius," he said quickly, forcing a smile that wasn't as convincing.

"Potter," Crabbe and Goyle then almost said in unison. James nodded at the two Slytherins.

Sirius looked at Snape, his eyes shifting away immediately, and his fingers tightened around the bat in his hand. "I see you're having a little fun with Snivelly," he said in a cold voice, not able to keep his composure as he neared the wizard who had purposely gotten him in trouble. Who had gotten him punished. When he reached the landing he stopped, James by his side.

Goyle turned his gaze on Snape. "Yeah, we were just giving him some helpful advice is all," he said, shooting the fellow Slytherin a meaningful look.

"How thoughtful of you," Sirius said, his eyes growing darker as he looked upon the silent wizard once more.

He would quiet him once and for all, and if the wizard didn't comply... all the better. The morbid thought forced a laugh from his lips that ended up sounding a little too loud and slightly unhinged, causing the three Slytherins to shoot him an odd look. James gave his shoulder a firm squeeze before moving towards the staircase to leave.

"See you 'round, Snivels," Sirius said, taking his friend's cue - and he shot a narrow-eyed Snape a wide smile, his hand tightening even more around his bat reflexively, before turning away and following James.


	11. Chapter 11

"Sirius!"

Sirius looked up to see his cousin, Andromeda, running towards him and his three friends as they made their way down towards the Black Lake to find a seat under one of the trees. It was only a week before Christmas break, and the four boys were set on enjoying the sunny, if not necessarily warm, weather.

"Hey Andromeda," Sirius replied as the raven-haired witch pulled up beside him, a Slytherin green wool scarf loose around her neck, grey eyes twinkling. He motioned at his dorm-mates. "These are my friends. James, Remus and Pete."

The witch smiled at the three wizards. "Hello, it's nice to meet you all. I'm Sirius's cousin," she said warmly.

James blinked, dark eyebrows raising. " _Cousin_?" His eyes slowly narrowed as he studied the witch, who looked suspiciously like a younger version of Bellatrix. "But, you don't seem ev- _Ohhh_." The wild-haired wizard doubled over at the waist with a groan, having been elbowed in the gut by a discreet Remus.

"Good to meet you, too," Remus said politely. Peter nodded by his side, too shy to say anything to the older witch.

Andromeda's smile grew in obvious amusement, and she looked back to her cousin. "Well, I just wanted to say hi. I'll be seeing you next week at your parents' parties?" she asked.

"Yeah, I guess so," Sirius said, holding back the grimace that wanted to take over his expression at the reminder, instead offering her a tight smile. His parents had sent a letter the week before, vetoing his plans to stay with James over Christmas.

"Don't worry," she said with a sympathetic look, "we can keep each other company. We'll just hide out in your bedroom." She winked and ruffled Sirius's hair, messing it up, before offering his friends a quick wave and then running off as she called over her shoulder, "See ya then!"

"Bloody hell! That _hurt_ Remus," James groaned as soon the girl was out of hearing distance.

"Sorry, James," Remus said in a voice that led the other boy to believe he didn't actually mean his apology in the slightest.

"I can't believe term is almost up," Sirius said almost to himself, smoothing his mussed hair down as they began walking again. He pushed away the unpleasant thought about facing his parents so soon as he sat down and leaned his back against the trunk of the tree they had chosen.

"Your cousin. She's rather pretty... and pleasantly sane to boot," James said in an offhanded manner as he plopped down beside Sirius.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal fashion as he tilted his head back, his eyes closing. They didn't seem upset in their letter. Not like last time. _Maybe it'll be a good visit_.

"You get along well then?" James asked.

Sirius frowned at his friend's peculiar questioning but shrugged it off almost immediately. "Yeah, we get along usually," he answered distractedly. _They did mention getting me extra presents this year, and with all the parties they'll be rather busy. I'm sure it'll be fine._

"So, are you two arranged for... you know...?" James said, trailing off.

" _What_?" Sirius opened his eyes and sat upright, eyebrows pulling down and in, pinching the skin between, as he tried to make sense of his friend's words.

"I mean, _you know_ ," James said, waving his hand in a small circle as if he was explaining himself better with its help.

Sirius stared blankly.

"Sirius," Remus said, garnering the tall wizard's attention. He cleared his throat. "I think James wants to know if you two are arranged for marriage," he said quickly.

" _Marriage_?" Sirius's head jerked back to James. "Why would you _think_ such a thing?" he asked in a horrified voice.

"Well, I mean... Isn't that kind of a _thing_ in your family?" James asked as he shifted uncomfortably in the grass.

Sirius let out a gasp of air. It was. His parents', his grandparents' and his great-grandparents' were all arranged marriages. Why hadn't he ever thought of that? And his parents were first cousins. Just like he and Andromeda. _No_.

"But she's his cousin," Peter said, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Shut up." Sirius shoved the boy in the chest hard, knocking him over for irritatingly putting voice to his own disturbing thoughts.

"Don't push Peter," Remus said in an irritated voice.

Sirius turned to James. "No, we're _not_ ," he said adamantly as he glared darkly at his supposed best friend.

"That's cool." James lifted his hands, palms out in front of him in an appeasing gesture. "I was just wondering is all."

"Well, don't. Don't wonder. _Ever again,_ " he said sharply, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the trunk of the tree once more. He glared out at the grounds blindly, his mind trying desperately to self-combust in order to prevent further contemplation.

* * *

Sirius stepped out of the tall black marble hearth at Twelve Grimmauld Place. He paused, glancing around the dimly lit sitting room, taking in the stuffy, drawn curtains and stiff-backed seating. A familiar, heavy feeling began to settle uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach.  _I'm not in trouble, I'll just keep busy and behave_ , he reassured himself. He would unpack his trunk, which would undoubtedly be waiting for him in his room, and try to visit with his brother. The wizard hoped he wasn't being isolated again. And if all else failed, he could always hide out in the library.

The wizard took a steadying breath and moved to leave for his room.

"Sirius."

The young wizard froze mid-step. He slowly turned around to face the older witch, who had just stepped out of the hearth. "Yes, Mother?" he asked politely.

The witch lifted one perfectly manicured eyebrow slowly. "Your Father wishes to speak with you in his study."

Sirius's heart stopped cold for a few beats only to start back up at double the speed. He cleared his throat. "Of course, I'll go straight away," he said, the strain in his voice barely detectable as he resisted the urge to ask why. He bowed stiffly and then turned and walked out of the room.

* * *

Sirius stared down at a plush, deep green as his feet carried him down the dark hallway to his father's study, mind a buzzing blank and grey eyes running numbly over the intricately designed rug leading a trail to his destination. His steps were muted as he padded along over the thick rug, enchanted silver snakes weaving along through the fabric and following alongside his steps. He focused on keeping his breath steady as he stopped in front of the tall, wooden door to his father's study, and then he watched as his hand reached out, balled into a tight fist - and knocked on the heavy door.

"Come in."

Sirius pushed his lips firmly between his teeth and took in one last deep breath before pushing the door open and stepping inside.

"Sirius. Have a seat." The tall, dark-haired wizard sat behind an oversized, mahogany desk with a black marble top. He lifted a hand, motioning to the chair that sat directly in front of him.

"Hello, Father," Sirius forced out as he walked over and sat down in the oversized leather chair. He kept his thoughts at bay and forced a smile.

The older wizard leaned back in his chair, his grey eyes cool as he surveyed his son. "You've grown."

"Yes, Sir," Sirius answered quickly.

The tall wizard nodded, seemingly pleased. "I hit my biggest growth spurt the summer before third year. You look like you might do the same."

Sirius only nodded in return, not sure what his father expected him to say.

"Sirius, do you know why I called you here?" Orion asked, his gaze remaining cool and unreadable.

Sirius swallowed. His chest tightened. "No, Sir," he heard himself say but fearing the worst.

Sirius'd done his best to avoid interacting with Remus in public. But he hadn't been perfect. No, sometimes he'd slip up whenever they were having fun, and he'd find himself grinning openly at him, or he'd unthinkingly swing an arm around the quiet boy in his excitement. He had also caved a few times when Remus had seemed upset or sick. He definitely hadn't been perfect...

His once quiet mind fishtailed out of control as it slammed into overdrive. _Does he know about Remus? Maybe Snape sent him another letter. I should've taken care of him already. What was I thinking? What is he going to do this_ -

"It's because, I have something to give to you," the man said, tearing the boy from his panicked thoughts, his eyes boring into Sirius's as he pushed a golden key across the cold marble with two fingers, stopping just shy of the edge.

Sirius's gaze locked onto the key, relief coursing through his veins and making him slightly dizzy as his mind worked too hard to convince his sluggish body all was well.

"Take it. It's yours."

The young wizard reached out a hand obediently, wrapping his fingers around the cold metal and picking it up. He held the gift flat in his palm as he looked down at it. It was surprisingly heavy. "What does it open?" he asked quietly.

"Your vault."

Sirius's eyes widened, and he looked up at his father. "I'm sorry?"

"I had a vault at Gringotts made up for your personal spending needs while you are away at school. You may use it at your discretion." The man leaned forward, a smile curling up the corners of his mouth as his eyes remained cold. "You've done well this term, Sirius. Your marks are exceptional. Arthur Zabini informed me you've made friends with his son. You followed my orders regarding the half-blood filth, and you scheduled your meeting with the headmaster. I am pleased. I could only be happier if you had already transferred."

Sirius nodded as his mind swirled in a tempest of conflicting emotions and thoughts. He cleared his throat.

"Thank you, Father."

The wizard nodded slightly. "You may go now."

"Yes, sir." Sirius stood up slowly, the key clenched in his hand. He walked out of the room, his grip tightening further, the gift pressing sharply into his skin.

* * *

Sirius sat at dinner in the formal dining room with his younger brother and mother on the second day of Christmas break, his father having taken dinner in his study.

"Remember, Sirius, you have to be ready by six tomorrow for the party."

Sirius nodded slowly. The young Black heir had been informed at the start of dinner of his new 'obligations.' He wondered what Remus and James were doing at the moment. _Probably something fun_ , he thought caustically.

"Can I go too, Mother?" Regulus asked excitedly as he took another bite of food.

Sirius resisted the urge to flick a pea at his younger brother, who sat across from him, avoiding his gaze and smiling hopefully at their mother.

"No, you'll have to wait until you're older. And don't speak with your mouth full."

Regulus nodded and then swallowed quickly. "Sorry, Mother."

Sirius held back a sigh. He envied his younger brother at that moment. He wished he didn't have to attend either. He'd never been made to go to parties outside of family gatherings before, but his mother said that it was tradition to begin attending social parties once a wizard reached their teen years. She had gone on to talk about the importance of connections and possible matches, but Sirius had zoned out by that point. He stared down in distaste at the uneaten food on his plate. He pushed a large piece of chicken into his mashed potatoes, hiding it.

"Sirius. What is this?"

The wizard's gaze shifted up from his plate. His father was standing above him, holding what appeared to be a letter in his hand. "A note, I'd assume." The words had escaped Sirius's mouth before he could stop them.

Sirius's chair suddenly jerked back from the table, the legs scraping harshly against the floor beneath. Orion's hands landed on the armrests, gripping them tightly as he leaned down, slowly bringing his livid face level with his son's startled one.

" _Excuse me_?" he hissed, his eyes growing visibly darker before Sirius's alarmed gaze.

"I-I. I'm sorry, Father, I didn't mean to offend you," he said, his breathing quick and light as he tried to lean further back in his chair, wishing he could sink through it to escape his father's nearness.

Orion studied his son for an excruciatingly long moment before slowly standing up as he glowered down at him. "It's for you," he said, holding the note out in an ominous manner.

Sirius swallowed hard. He nodded and took the note timidly from his father's hand and then scooted his seat back to the table in an attempt to distance himself. "Thank you, Father."

The young wizard looked down at the folded note. His name was written on the outside in familiar neat hand-writing. _Remus_. Sirius held his breath as his heart hammered wildly in his chest. He hadn't given the wizard his address. _James must have given it to him_. He struggled to keep his hand steady as he set the note down beside his plate, not opening it. He picked up his fork and stabbed a piece of chicken.

"Aren't you going to read it?"

Sirius looked up. "No, sir. I was going to wait until I had eaten," he said, hoping his manners would be a good enough excuse to delay his reading of the note.

"No, I insist." Orion motioned at the note. " _Read it_ ," he added, his voice more demanding when Sirius only glanced at the letter in an unsure manner.

Sirius felt his heart jump into his throat. _Shit_. He nodded jerkily and lowered his fork before lifting the note once more. He cleared his throat and then slowly broke the seal. He opened it and began to read.

_Sirius,_

_I hope you are having a nice Christmas break so far. James has been keeping me up late and has tried to get me to slide down the banister (which Mrs. Potter had wrapped with garland and fairy lights this year) too many times to count. We both miss you._

_James's parents are planning on taking us to Diagon Alley in two days to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Maybe you could meet us there? We should be there most of the day._

_Well, James is yelling for me to hurry up so if you cannot make it to meet us, I will see you in a week's time. James says hello and also says to tell you this note is actually from him, despite his not writing any of it... I think he's losing it._

_Your Friend,_

_James_

There were errant ink marks around the salutation like the quill had been fought over, and James's name was scrawled in large messy letters on the bottom. Sirius set down the note, folding it back and then pressing the broken wax seal together as best he could to keep it from opening. He picked up his fork once more and quickly raised it to his mouth.

"Well?"

Sirius's hand stopped, his fork already halfway to his mouth. He lowered it slowly before looking up into his father's preemptively furious gaze. "James. It was from James," he heard himself say in an even voice. It was technically true. At least according to the note it was.

"James Potter?" Orion asked, his gaze calculating.

Sirius nodded, his pulse quickening but his expression remaining innocently blank when his father took a step towards him.

"I see." The tall wizard stopped, studying him closely before adding, "Tell him next time not to owl during dinner."

"Yes, Sir," he responded, trying to keep the relief that was washing over him in waves from leaking into his voice. He added a nod to enforce his promise. The stressed young wizard watched as his father walked back out of the room, his gaze remaining on the empty doorway as he tried to calm down.

"Eat your dinner, Sirius," Walburga snapped at her son.

"Yes, Mother."

* * *

"Regulus, long time no see," Sirius said in a silky smooth voice, as he stood just inside his younger brother's room before breakfast time.

He shut the door.

The boy startled and jumped out of his bed as if he were going to make a run for it.

Sirius advanced quickly on the younger wizard, backing him into the corner. "What's the rush, Brother?"

"S-Sirius, what are you talking about? We see each other all the time," Regulus said, avoiding eye-contact as he eyed the door behind the tall wizard wistfully.

Sirius took another step closer, glaring darkly at the smaller boy when he looked up at him in alarm. Regulus had been steadfastly avoiding him the past few days, but what upset the older wizard most was that it seemed to be of his own choosing. "Don't play thick with me. You _know_ what I mean!" he hissed angrily.

Regulus's gaze dropped at that, and he let out a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I've just - been terribly busy is all."

Sirius let out a sharp laugh, jaw clenching, at the obvious lie and shoved his brother against the wall, his hand wrapping around his neck. "You're only ten years old, you little shit." He glared down at him with icy grey eyes. "Now, _tell me_."

Regulus let out a whimper as the hand around his neck began to tighten. "All right, I'll tell you!"

Sirius's hand loosened immediately, and he smiled victoriously as he took a small step back. "Well?"

The young wizard's gaze darted around the room nervously as he spoke in a rushed tone. "Kreacher, h-he told me I should stay away from you. He said you were a-a disgrace to the family and your title, and if I didn't keep my distance I—" The boy paused and took in a deep breath. "I would end up just like you."

Sirius blinked. _That wretched house elf_. "And you believe him?" he asked in a quiet voice as his insides began to churn with some emotion.

Regulus nodded, and looked up at his older brother, an apologetic look swimming in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I just don't want Mother and Fa-"

"You would _listen_ to that worthless house elf?" He spat out the words, his gaze one of disgust as he looked upon his brother. His brother who was afraid to end up like him. A _disgrace_. A disgrace to his family—A laugh escaped his lips.

The boy looked slightly startled at the noise, and his gaze shifted quickly back down to his feet. After a moment he began to speak in a resigned voice, "Sirius, I'm really-"

" _Sorry_. Yeah, I know, _Reg_." The wizard snarled at the affectionate nickname he had come up with when they were closer. Before he had started school. Before his little brother had decided he wanted _nothing_ to do with him.

He took a step back. The emotions that had been flooding him suddenly began to drain from his conscious and was replaced with a cold, hard feeling. He didn't care. He didn't need Regulus. He was just a stupid little kid. He meant _nothing_ to him.

" _Fine_. I'll stay away from you so I don't _taint_ you. I didn't want to hang out with a stupid, little brat like you anyway." He turned and began to make his way to the door.

"Sirius, _wait_! Please, please don't hate me!" the boy pleaded as he stood, still leaning against the wall, the expression swirling in his familiar grey eyes one of regret.

Sirius sneered at his brother. "Don't worry, I wouldn't waste my time. Have fun with Kreacher, you two _deserve_ each other." He turned and walked out of the room.


	12. Chapter 12

"Mind if I join you?" Sirius asked with a grin as he pushed open the door to the compartment where Remus sat alone.

"Oh, I suppose not." The sandy blond looked up from the book he had been reading and smiled impishly at his friend. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

Sirius lifted his trunk and shoved it overhead onto the rack beside Remus's, ignoring the uncomfortable tightening in his chest at the simple question. "Yeah, it was brilliant. My younger brother disowned me. I was forced to attend a boring party almost every night, and when I wasn't doing that I was being chastised or locked up in the dungeons," he said with a jovial laugh as he dropped down beside his friend.

"Sirius, is everything all right?" Remus asked as he studied the wizard beside him with a look of concern.

Sirius let out a barking laugh and nudged Remus's leg with his own playfully. "I was just joking about the last bit, Remus. Really, I'm fine. I'm just eager to get back to school," he said lightly as he rested his leg against the other boy's, shifting a little closer.

"If you say so," the sandy blond said hesitantly, looking suddenly uncomfortable. He stood up abruptly at the sound of the shiny red engine's whistle, screaming its imminent departure.

"Where're you going?" Sirius asked, when the boy reached for the door.

"Oh, uh. I'm just going to see if James needs my help. He was right behind me when we were boarding and then gone the next time I turned around," he said, opening the door and leaving.

Sirius frowned when Remus glanced back in at him only to walk off rather quickly.

"What was that about?" He looked around the empty compartment, drumming his fingers on the windowsill as he waited for the boy to return.

James slammed into the door suddenly, his hands floundering for the handle and then jerking it open. "Sirius! I've been in here with you for the past fifteen minutes!" he shouted and then jumped into the seat beside his friend.

Just then the door jerked open again, and a furious Lily Evans stood in the doorway. "You! I _know_ it was you!" She pointed straight at James.

James looked behind himself as if he was searching for whoever the red-head had been shouting at and then over to Sirius. "What is she on about?"

The witch growled and stepped into the room. "You know _exactly_ what I'm 'on about' Potter. Now, fix it." She turned around to display a long ginger-colored cat tail sticking through her robes.

Sirius snorted. James let out a muffled cry of laughter as he held his hands firmly over his mouth. "Wow, Evans. I have to say, you've got quite a nice tail," Sirius quipped.

Lily spun around, her wand wielded and pointing at Sirius's chest. "You think this is funny, Black?" she hissed angrily.

"Now, now Evans," James said in a sweet voice. "There's no need to yell at poor Sirius. He and I have just been sitting here for the past ten-"

"Fifteen."

"Ah yes, thank you, Sirius, fifteen minutes. And I'm sure he feels just _terrible_ about your, your-" James paused as he visibly struggled not to laugh.

" _Tail_. Your big - fluffy - tail." Sirius broke into a grin. The two wizards exploded into peals of laughter.

"Why you two are the-"

"There you are, James." Remus had pulled the door open, interrupting the witch's tirade. He had James's trunk with him. "Oh, hello, Lily," he said politely before the witch's angrily twitching tail caught his gaze and his eyes widened. "Uh, you do know that you, uh, have a, a-"

"A tail. Yes, I'm well aware, Remus," she said, her voice not quite as harsh as she spoke to the sandy blond. "Are you _really_ friends with these two?"

James and Sirius looked over to Remus with matching looks of innocent curiosity.

Remus's lips twitched at the corners. "Would you like me to get rid of it for you?"

"You know how to?" the witch asked, looking incredibly relieved.

"Yes, I, uh," he paused when James began to making cutting motions with his hand across his throat behind the girl's back. "I read it in a book over Christmas break." He flashed the witch a smile.

"All right. Thank you, Remus," she said, turning so that the wizard would have a clear view.

Remus lifted his wand and murmured the incantation to reverse the spell that he and James had found over break, and the tail disappeared.

"Oh." the witch looked over her shoulder. "Thank goodness. It's gone."

"Too bad. I think you looked better with it, Evans," James piped up, earning him a dark glare from Lily.

"I hate you, Potter," she spat before turning to Remus. "Thanks again, Remus," she said sweetly and placed a kiss on the boy's cheek before walking out.

" _Oh_ , looks like Remus has a girlfriend." James began to laugh as the wizard shifted around uncomfortably. "What do you think, Sirius?"

"Sirius?" James looked over to the suddenly quiet wizard.

"Hm?" the dark-haired wizard asked as if he hadn't heard the question, his gaze flitting over to Remus, who had sat down across from him.

"I said, Remus and Evans? A perfect match, don't you think?"

"No."

Remus looked up at the boy in surprise. James laughed.

"What do you mean, no? They're so much alike." James leaned back against the seat.

Sirius held back a frown. "Yeah, well that's why. You don't want to date someone who is exactly like you. That'd be boring," he said, glancing up at Remus and then looking away when he noticed the wizard looking back at him. He felt suddenly uncomfortable for some reason.

"Ah, well then maybe she should date _me_ then," James said with an impish grin.

Sirius looked over to his friend. "Sorry mate, that will _never_ happen. Evans can't stand you."

"Hey, Peter's here," Remus said, pulling all attention to the door.

The three wizards watched on as the boy stood outside the compartment, pulling on the door but not opening it.

"What's wrong with him?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know." James stood up and walked over to help their friend. He pulled on the handle. It didn't budge. He pulled harder, but still nothing happened. "It's locked! How did - _Evans_ ," he stopped suddenly and dropped down in the seat beside Sirius, leaving a confused Peter standing outside the room.

"That feisty witch locked us in," James said, a goofy smile crossing his face, "maybe she's not quite as bad as I thought."

Sirius and Remus exchanged knowing grins.

* * *

"Remus, you're back," Sirius greeted his friend from where he sat on top of his bed as the sandy-haired wizard walked into the dorm. It was the first Saturday in February, and Remus had been gone for two days, visiting his sick mum.

"Hey, Sirius. Why aren't you downstairs with James and Peter?" Remus asked in a tired voice.

"Just thought I'd read a bit." Sirius tapped the open book laying in front of him that he hadn't looked at since the first day of second year on the train ride. He had forgotten about it until it began howling from inside his trunk the night before. It had been a full moon.

The book was opened to the chapter labelled, _The Inherent Risks of Hunting the Volatile Maturing Werewolf._ "How was your mum?" he asked distractedly as he skimmed the section describing the precautions necessary when dealing with the 'hormonally charged' age group. When the wizard received no response he glanced up.

Remus was standing in the middle of the dorm, staring at him, his skin a sickly hue. He looked even worse than he had the last few times. _And_ , Sirius thought curiously, _taller_. The wizard looked like he had somehow grown a couple inches the two days he was gone. Sirius dismissed the ridiculous thought from his mind. That was impossible.

"Are you feeling all right, Remus?" he asked.

"I, yeah. I'm fine." The wizard took a step back.

Sirius frowned, and then a thought pushed its way to the forefront of his mind. "Hey Remus, come here. I want your opinion on something."

Remus shook his head ever so slightly. "I can't, I'm-I'm busy."

"Busy?" he said in an irritated fashion, rolling his eyes at the boy. "You _just_ got here. Come on." He patted the spot beside him, his pats only growing more insistent, and his eyebrows rising as Remus continued to refuse him.

Remus's shoulders dropped finally, and he walked over slowly to Sirius's bedside. "What is it?"

Sirius let out a laugh at the boy's oddly disgruntled tone. "Well, _climb on_." Remus sighed and climbed dutifully onto the bed beside his friend, eyeing the book in front of them with an unreadable expression.

"All right," Sirius started in a satisfied tone. "So, this book here says that you can recognize a werewolf in its human _form_ because of their animalistic mannerisms and overtly aggressive nature. But - you see - I have this memory from when I was little. I remember seeing a picture of one, that had been sentenced to death, in the paper on my father's desk in his study, and it - well," Sirius paused as he recalled feeling oddly bad for the beast in the picture. "It didn't look wild or mean really - just, I don't know, sad maybe, and like a normal wizard to me. What do you think?" he asked his studious friend.

Remus sat frozen beside him. He spoke up after a few beats, his voice sounding strained, "Well, I think it really depends on the - _werewolf_." He cleared his throat again as he looked out the window near Sirius's bed and added, "I'm sure there are some very terrible ones out there."

Sirius tilted his head as he looked down at the moving picture in the book. It was of an untransformed werewolf that appeared to be around their age. It was covered in scars and was snarling, its eyes glowing yellow as it held its hands out, fingers bent in a claw-like position.

"So, you think that they aren't all the same? Like, they have personalities or something?"

Remus nodded slightly. "I do. They're _people_ , Sirius."

The wizard looked up from his book, his dark eyebrows pushing together as he thought of the creatures that weren't allowed to attend school, work, and that his family, his father included, had hunted for sport. "How's that?"

Remus looked down at his clasped hands. "They're - werewolves are just wizards who have been infected with a curse. It _does_ affect them, but it doesn't mean they're not people anymore," he said, the words coming out in a unusual manner like he was reciting something he had been told many times before.

Sirius nodded slowly as he considered his friend's drastically different view, something clicking in the wizard's mind. "Have you met one before?"

" _No_." Remus moved to stand up.

"No, _wait_ ," he said, grabbing the wizard's arm and stopping him. "Please, I didn't mean to upset you. Stay. I want to show you something first."

Remus settled back onto the bed. "What is it?" he asked in a weary voice.

Sirius closed the book to reveal the cover and the embossed teeth. He moved it between them to give Remus a better view. "Watch this." He reached his hand out and as soon as he touched near the teeth, the werewolf head appeared, raging against the cover. It snapped at the boy's finger as usual but then seemed to calm somewhat before it pulled back, disappearing.

"That's odd." Sirius leaned forward to see where it had gone when the cover suddenly took on the appearance of a wizarding picture. In it was a field, lit by a waning full moon in the corner, with thin clouds slowly crawling across the night sky, causing stars to twinkle as they passed. The sound of a slight breeze filled the space between the two silent boys. Suddenly, a stocky-looking wolf appeared in the field. It was grey with oversized paws, like it hadn't grown into them quite yet.

"What the-" Sirius watched in awe as the large animal began to circle slowly in the grass, looking at the two boys with suspicious yellow eyes. It tilted its head as if it were studying them and then stopped, dropped to the ground and rolled over, rubbing its back on the grass in an almost playful manner before jumping back up and letting loose a familiar mournful howl.

"He sounds lonely," Sirius said quietly. He reached his hand towards the cover slowly as if in a trance. His fingers neared the cover, almost touching it when Remus grabbed his hand and pulled it back.

"Sirius, _stop it_!"

Sirius looked up at the wizard in surprise. Remus was pale, and his lips were slightly parted as he breathed heavily, his eyes swimming in darkness as he held Sirius's chilled hand in his warm one.

Sirius found himself slowly leaning towards him as if he was being pulled by some unseen force.

"Sirius, are, are you all right?" Remus asked worriedly, his voice just above a whisper as he watched the wizard move towards him with an odd gleam in his eyes.

Sirius nodded slowly, the question stopping him when he was only a few inches away from the other boy. The air between them seemed to crackle with tension, heating up the space as neither moved away.

Grey eyes darted down to parted, red lips.

Another howl from the book startled the two boys and they pulled back, their gazes shifting down. They watched as the wolf walked carefully towards Sirius's fingers that were resting on the edge of the book.

A laugh escaped Sirius's lips, his hand pulling back in surprise. "It _licked_ me." He reached back down and slowly ran a finger along the wolf's head and back as if he were petting it. He smiled when the animal pushed its nose against his finger in an affectionate gesture. "I think it likes me."

" _No_." The sharp words drew Sirius's hand away and his gaze up. Remus's expression was dark. "No, it doesn't like you. It's just an enchantment, Sirius," he snapped.

Sirius's eyebrows drew together in confusion. He reached out a hand to place on the upset wizard's shoulder. " _Don't_." Remus jerked away from the touch, shoving himself off the bed abruptly.

Sirius's outstretched hand slowly dropped as he stared in bemusement at his friend, who was standing in the middle of the room like he didn't know what to do with himself. "Did I do something wrong, Remus?" he asked as he tried to hide the rejection he felt from his friend pulling away from his touch.

Remus shook his head. "No, you didn't. It's just-You don't... Sirius, I-I - I mean — _Sirius_ , I'm, I'm a." He stopped and clenched his eyes shut as he pushed his lips firmly between his teeth, holding his breath for a long moment before slowly letting it out.

"You're _what_ , Remus?" he asked in a concerned voice, standing up but not approaching his friend as a seed of a thought began to take root in his mind.

The wizard shook his head. "I'm just _really tired_ , and I need some rest," he said, gazing dejectedly at the floor.

Sirius nodded in an unconvinced manner. "All right." He watched Remus climb into his bed and pull the curtains shut, before turning and sitting down on his own. He looked back down at the book. The wolf and the scene were gone and in its place were the usual snarling teeth.

Sirius stared at the cover as he chewed on the inside of his cheek, replaying the conversation between he and Remus over and over in his head. He reached out an unsure hand and turned to chapter twenty once more. His eyes ran apprehensively over the title.

_Recognizing a Werewolf in its Human Disguise._

* * *

"Looks like Snivelly might not make it for breakfast this morning," Peter said the next day, the glee barely suppressed in the young wizard's voice as he glanced over his shoulder at the green and silver table. The aforementioned Slytherin was notably absent.

James grinned widely. "Yeah, maybe he got _caught up_ in something and couldn't make it." Three sets of sniggering followed the statement.

Sirius glanced over at a silent Remus. He was pushing a strawberry around on his plate, his eyes following the watery, reddish trail it left in its wake.

"Feeling okay there, Remus?" Sirius asked as he sat across from the sandy blond. He tried not to focus on the red smears spreading across the boy's plate.

Remus nodded, not looking up as his right hand stilled, and he rested the side of his head on his other. "Yeah, just tired."

"Oh?" Sirius asked lightly as he took a bite of quiche, his eyes remaining trained on the wizard. _It would explain so much. It fits too._

Remus looked up, his tired hazel eyes adding stock to his previous statement. "Yeah. Rough visit."

Sirius's eyes widened, the often heard phrase taking on a whole new meaning after the night before. _Does that mean he killed someone_? He couldn't believe that Dumbledore would let a murderer attend the school, but it wasn't Remus on the full moon. Not really.

"Oh, yeah?" he responded lamely, trying to keep his voice even.

Remus's sandy brows furrowed slightly. "Yeah."

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled before looking down at his own plate. He was giving himself away. Remus was too aware for his own good. _Probably helpful if you're a murderous, blood-thirsty creature_. Sirius mentally shook the harsh words loose from his mind. No, Remus was not that, even if he was cursed.

"What do you guys want to do today?" James asked cheerfully, leaning over and snatching the last pumpkin scone from Sirius's plate.

"We could go down to the lake," Peter suggested eagerly.

"It's a bit cold for that," James said before turning to Sirius. "What do you think, Sirius?"

The dark-haired wizard shrugged. He wondered what non-transformed werewolves liked to do in their free time. _Feast on human flesh, according to my book._ Sirius snorted at the ridiculous thought. He needed a new book, preferably not one condoning the hunting of them. He gathered very quickly after re-reading the chapter on recognizing one that it was rather biased. The mental picture of Remus walking around trying to claw and bite people was absolute madness. He took in a deep breath when his mind began to waver somewhat. _Complete rubbish_ , he insisted firmly to himself.

"Sirius?" Remus's hand reached out and rested on Sirius's arm.

"Ahhh!" Sirius startled, falling back off the stool and onto the floor. He looked up at James and a leaning over Remus, his breathing ragged and eyes wide as he tried to convince his startled mind that his friend was not the monster he had read about.

"Sirius, you're lying on the floor," James said helpfully.

Sirius nodded and closed his eyes for a moment, remaining on the soothing cold stones as his heart refused to slow. _He's not a monster. He's not a monster. He's just Remus. Just good old—_

"Sirius..?"

Sirius's eyes jerked open, and he found himself crawling backwards and away from Remus, who had walked over to check on him.

He pushed himself upright once he had put a few feet safely between them, smoothing his slacks and shirt down as he collected his voice to keep from raising suspicion. _Not that it will help, he can probably smell the fear on me_. An alarming passage about werewolves preferring the taste of pureblooded wizards ran through his mind unbidden. _I bet he'd think I was delicious_. He let out a loud, misplaced laugh at the thought, earning him odd glances from his classmates and friends.

"Sorry, just going a bit mad, but you'd understand that, right Remus?" he blurted. _Oh no_.

" _What_?" Remus's eyes widened as he stood frozen in place.

_Oh shit_. "Ah, I just mean - because you've been around me too much." He forced an impish smile at his friend. His friend, the werewolf... _Holy hell_. The thought crashed into and shattered his facade as he stared wide-eyed into guarded hazel orbs. _He's a werewolf! Remus is a flipping werewolf!_ A strangled noise escaped his lips-

"I don't know. Maybe we should take him to Madam Pomfrey." Sirius jerked his gaze from Remus to see James moving to stand up as he spoke.

"Uh, no. No, I'm fine guys," he said quickly, "Really. I'm just going to go back to the dorm. I'll see you there." Sirius nodded emphatically as he continued to smooth his shirt neurotically. He growled and clenched his hands. _Stop that_ , he chastised his anxious body.

James sat back down. "All right. If you say so. Do you want me to go with you? Or Remus could, he's-"

"No! Uh, I mean... No thanks. I'm - I'm good. Really. See you guys soon," he said and then turned and began to walk away from his friends and Remus. _No! Remus is my friend. He is. He is._ He walked away more quickly. He needed to get more information and fast before he labelled Remus as - well, he just needed more information.

He shot a glance over his shoulder. Remus had sat back down and was watching him leave. Peter was wadding up bits of paper and handing them to James, who was in turn throwing them at an unaware Lily Evans as they landed one after the other in her long, curly hair.

He shoved open the door to the Great Hall. _I just need a different point of view is all. Werewolves can't be that bad._


	13. Chapter 13

_Werewolves even in their human form are highly wizard-aggressive, so it is always encouraged for possible werewolves to be reported to the Ministry straight away._

_An untransformed werewolf may try to appear 'normal' and even 'kind' but be forewarned. It is a ruse, and the werewolf in question is merely waiting for a moment when you are most vulnerable or unaware to attack-_

Sirius slammed the book shut, pushing it aside to join the quickly growing pile of useless texts to his right, the hopeful stack on his left growing ever smaller. He leaned his elbows on the table, placing his head into his hands and muttered a groan, grey eyes staring down listlessly at the wooden library table, where he had been sitting for far too long.

It was approaching dinner time, and he'd skipped lunch in order to find something, anything, to soothe his growing worries so he didn't have another incident like that morning. However, he was yet to find even a single passage in all the books he'd checked that didn't paint werewolves as completely and purely evil. _Sadistic killing machines_. He shook his head, sitting up and leaning back in his chair as he pulled a red leather-bound text towards him, his tired eyes scanned the title.

_Werewolves: Blood-Thirsty Creatures or Flesh-Hungry Beasts?_

He pushed the book to the other side of him, without opening it.

* * *

"Sirius, there you are!"

Sirius jerked up from the book on which he had fallen asleep. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the sleep from his eyes and focus on the form before him. "James?"

"I've been looking for you," the messy-haired wizard said in a casual manner, hands shoved in his front slacks' pockets as he stood on the other side of the table. He lifted his chin, hazel eyes searching the still open text in front of Sirius. "What're you reading about?"

Sirius shut the book and pushed it aside, title side facing down. "Nothing. Just some light reading." He dead-panned.

James glanced over at the large pile of books to Sirius's right and then back to him. "Yeah _.._. So, you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No. There's nothing to talk about."

James nodded slowly, pulling the chair out in front of him, and he sat down. "All right. Well, you want to get dinner with me?"

Sirius leaned back in his chair and ran an agitated hand through his sleep-mussed locks. "Where're Peter, and Remus?" he asked, using all his self-control to not stutter over the latter boy's name.

"Already eating, I sent them ahead so I could look for you. They'll probably be finished and gone before we get down there." James picked up a book near him. "Dark Creatures and You." He looked up at Sirius, questioningly.

Sirius grabbed the book from him, an unhinged laugh escaping his lips. "I'm a bit fascinated with magical beasts," he said quickly. _Maybe I could tell James... No, I shouldn't. It's not my place._ He flashed a smile at his friend.

James pushed himself up slowly. "You're an odd one, Sirius Black."

"Flocks of a feather," he retorted glibly, standing up too.

"Yeah, maybe." James grinned at him.

Sirius walked with James out of the library. He would look more later. He was sure he could find a book to waylay his concerns. He had to.

* * *

Sirius elbowed a napping James as they sat the next Monday in Transfiguration class. The two dark-haired wizards at a table in the very back, just the two of them, having shown up ten minutes late. Remus and Peter were sitting a few tables ahead of them, quietly reading the passage McGonagall has just assigned to them like the rest of their classmates.

" _Wha_?" James sat upright and looked around in confusion.

"Shh," Sirius hissed in his ear and then slid a piece of parchment in front of the boy, who was wiping drool off his face with his sleeve.

James adjusted his crooked glasses and then peered down at the note, reading the elegant script.

_We need to take care of the Snivelly problem today._

The word 'today' was underlined with heavy ink several times.

James looked slightly surprised before picking up his quill, dipping it as he smiled angelically at a suspicious Professor McGonagall, and then scribbled his response in his messy handwriting when she turned away. He pushed the paper over when the older witch leaned down to pick something off of her desk.

Sirius frowned at the response.

_You still want to do that?_

He picked up his own quill and wrote a hasty response, pushing it back over quickly for his friend to read.

_Of course I do. Let's do it before dinner. He'll be in the library._

James lifted his quill to respond when a shadow fell over the paper.

"Mr. Potter."

* * *

"Come on, James! He's going to leave if we don't hurry!" Sirius shouted impatiently as he ran down the empty hallway that lead to the library.

"I'm trying!" James shouted as he limped along behind his friend. "My knee hurts!"

Professor McGonagall had assigned the two wizards detention after classes for passing notes during class.

"How do those toilets get so disgusting?" James muttered as he approached his friend.

"Oh, stop whingeing," Sirius said in a quiet voice as he peered inside the door to the library. "Good. I don't see him. He must be in the back." He motioned his friend to follow him and walked in.

James rolled his eyes but followed his friend.

The two wizards waved silently, huge smiles gracing their innocent faces, as they passed Madam Pince, the librarian. She glared at them from her desk suspiciously as they tip-toed away.

Sirius and James walked quietly along the bookshelves.

"All right, I'm going to go get ready for dinner, Sev." The nearby words stilled the two wizards.

James pulled out a thin book and peered between the space. He motioned Sirius over, stepping back to allow him a look.

Sirius grinned widely as his gaze settled on the Slytherin sitting alone at the table in the farthest corner of the mostly deserted library. He stood upright and shot James a questioning look.

James nodded slowly and began to creep along the bookshelf as Sirius went the opposite way. Sirius stopped at the corner and glanced again to James, who was standing at the other end, mirroring his position. Sirius took in a calming breath, forcing down the anger clawing excitedly at his chest and putting violent but unfortunately unproductive ideas in his head. _Stick to the plan._

He glanced once more at James and then stepped around the corner, his wand out and pointing at Snape immediately.

"Snivelly." The wizard's head jerked up. "What a _surprise_ to find you here." A cheshire grin played at the Gryffindor's lips as he stalked slowly towards the wizard, enjoying the look of shock plastered on the boy's usually smug face.

"Black," Snape drawled slowly, his expression having quickly closed off. "What are _you_ doing here? Did you get lost on the way to the Quidditch pitch?" His eyes darted in a calculating manner to his wand, which was laying uselessly on the table a foot away from his right hand.

"I came to see you." Sirius's eyes narrowed, and his voice grew colder as he continued, "You see, I fear we have a slight misunderstanding, seeing as how you've been sending letters to my parents." He stopped just feet in front of the wizard, his wand pointing at the green-robed chest.

Snape sneered at him and shot out his hand to grab his wand, but stopped halfway there when a wand pressed into his back just below his neck.

James tsked from behind the wizard. "So jumpy. But you won't be needing your wand, Snivels. We only want to talk with you," he said and then pushed the tip of his wand harder into his back. "Stand up."

The Slytherin stood up slowly.

"Well, a form of talking anyway." Sirius walked around the table to the wizard. "You see, I can't have you watching me all the time and then reporting back to my parents. It really makes it hard for me to enjoy myself properly."

Snape scoffed, "You mean you can't talk to your filthy-"

" _Don't,_ "—Sirius clenched his jaw tightly—"Don't you _dare_ say it," he growled out. "Or I _will_ do something." He took a step closer in a threatening manner as he glared down at him. "And I'll enjoy it, too." He smiled eerily at the Slytherin as violent thoughts began to run temptingly through his raging mind once more.

Snape's eyes widened slightly but then narrowed again. "Tell me what you want."

Sirius's smile grew, white teeth gleaming. He had him. "Only a promise that you won't tattle on me anymore. No - not a _promise_." He paused. "What word am I looking for here, James?" he asked, his voice one of feigned confusion.

"A _vow_ , maybe?" James offered, the grin in his voice clear.

Sirius's eyes lit up. " _Yes_." He met Snape's hard gaze. "An _unbreakable_ vow to be exact," he said quietly.

The wizard's mouth pressed in a firm line before he began to speak in a heated voice, "You two are as ignorant as you look. An unbreakable vow if broken is punishable by-"

"Death," Sirius finished simply for the Slytherin, and a laugh escaped his lips before his gaze hardened once more. "Oh, I'm _very_ aware. But that shouldn't worry you. All you have to do is keep your word and _nothing_ bad will ever come of it. _It's simple_." Sirius held out his hand.

The Slytherin eyed it but did not reach out his own. "And what if I don't?"

The wand at Snape's back pressed more sharply into his back. "I wouldn't suggest that," James said, "Sirius can get pretty nasty when he doesn't get what he wants."

Sirius watched as Snape's hand slowly raised. He grasped the wizard's forearm as fingers wrapped around his in turn.

"I knew you'd see reason, Snivels," Sirius said as James moved around with his wand to aid in the spell work.

* * *

"That practice was absolutely brutal," James groaned as he and Sirius sat under a tree near the lake with their brooms and Sirius's bat laying on the ground around them.

"Yeah, I think they're trying to kill us," Sirius said as he dropped back to lay in the dormant grass, his exhausted and overheated body not minding the chilled bed of green blades that weren't nearly as soft as they were in warmer weather. He took in a deep breath, the cool February air stinging his tired lungs.

"So, my parents said you could stay with us for a few weeks this summer if you're allowed," James said as he began to rip blades of grass from the ground.

"Maybe," Sirius said cautiously. He still hadn't told his friends about his very possible house transfer. He'd actually been enjoying pretending the unpleasant situation didn't even exist as the days ticked by, bringing him closer and closer to his meeting with Dumbledore.

"You don't think you can get permission?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged. He didn't know what to say. His parents would probably not be too eager for him to spend time at the Gryffindor's house once he was in Slytherin. He got the impression that they merely tolerated his friendship with James because of his situation.

"So what's up with you and Remus lately?" James asked suddenly.

Sirius sat up. He looked over to his friend, concealing the wariness he felt at the seemingly benign question. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know." James continued to pull up grass, one-by-one, not looking up. "You've just been acting _odd_ around him. Did something happen?"

"No. Nothing happened."

James dropped the grass he had gathered and wiped his hands together, cleaning them. "Are you sure? Maybe something to do with him leaving every month perhaps?" he persisted in an overly conversational tone as he looked down at his hands, seemingly studying them for grass stains.

Sirius let out a laugh. "What would Remus's sick mum have to do with anything?"

James looked up slowly. "Because he hasn't been going home to visit his mum - and I think you know that as well as I do."

"James," Sirius said in a cool voice, "If you have something you want to say, then you should just get on with it."

James eyed his friend carefully. "All right... I was walking back from detention last Thursday night, and I saw Remus walking with Madam Pomfrey out towards the Whomping Willow. I saw him crawl into the space under the tree."

Sirius sat quietly for a moment. "And why do you think I know anything about that? That's news to me," he said, which was the truth. He didn't know where Remus _transformed_. He'd just assumed it was in the woods near his home, and not anywhere near Hogwarts. Sirius shivered involuntarily at the thought. _I wonder where it leads? The Forbidden Forest maybe?_

"Sirius, listen," James said, drawing the wizard's attention. "I've had my suspicions about Remus for a couple months now, and I know you've figured it out too. I see how you've been acting since his return. All jumpy and like you're... _unsure_ around him. And then you've been reading all those books obsessively. I probably wouldn't have thought anything had I not been thinking the same thing ever since I saw him without his shirt on." He paused, his gaze shifting back to his hands. "He has so many scars," he said quietly. He sat for a few beats and then looked up to Sirius, a searching look in his gaze.

James's statement echoed through Sirius's head. _So many scars_. He swallowed hard, his mind struggling but failing to form a possible mental picture. He pushed away the thought and focused on the issue at hand. Maybe James was bluffing. Just because he'd noticed some _things_ didn't mean he had come to the right conclusion.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're getting at, James," he lied smoothly.

James looked around them, making sure there was no one within hearing distance, and then leaned forward and whispered, "Remus is a werewolf, isn't he?"

Sirius stared at his friend. James stared back at him, not moving away, as he waited for his response. He considered laughing at him, ridiculing him for suggesting such an idea. He found himself nodding slowly instead.

"Holy shit!" James exclaimed. "I knew it! I just _knew it!_ " He started laughing wildly, clearly ecstatic with the confirmation.

Sirius watched James for a long moment. "I think you've lost it," he finally said, but relief poured over him in buckets at his friend's obvious acceptance of Remus's condition. He didn't want James to feel negatively towards Remus. Even if he did. _No, I don't. I don't. Not one bit_ , he lied adamantly to himself.

"No, don't you see, Sirius?" James waved his hands out in front of him excitedly as he spoke. "This is _really_ cool. How many wizards do you know who have a werewolf as a best friend?" He smiled widely at him.

Sirius shook his head in disbelief. The wizard's open-mindedness never ceased to amaze him.

"Yeah, it's.. pretty cool," he said then, forcing a convincing smile even as he felt his insides rebel at the feigned sentiment. He settled back down onto cold grass, finding it more uncomfortable than it had been just moments before. Grey eyes closed, the tall wizard tuning out his friend's excited ramblings. It was official. Sirius Black was an awful friend.


	14. Chapter 14

"Hey Greg."

"Sirius, good to see you," the Slytherin greeted as he approached, his schoolbag slung over one shoulder and green and silver tie slightly loosened.

"Yeah, where are Crabbe and Goyle?" Sirius asked with a grin, looking up at the wizard from his spot under a tree with an advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts book in front of him. He had been finding it increasingly difficult the past few days to be around Remus without arising suspicion. He and James hadn't decided how to address the issue with Remus yet, or if they actually should, which was fine with Sirius... because he wasn't ready for it.

"Probably somewhere discussing your demise," the Slytherin said, returning the grin easily, Sirius laughing in response. He shot a quick look around the grounds. "Where're your friends?"

"In the Gryffindor common room," he responded before motioning to the grassy spot beside him. "Want to join me?"

"Sure." The dark-skinned wizard sat down near him. "So, I hear you've caught Evie Greengrass's attention. She's quite the catch," he said smoothly.

Sirius grinned half-heartedly. "Yeah, I'm not so sure I can take all the credit for that though. I'm assuming my family's got quite a bit to do with it."

"Yeah? Isn't that how it works?" Zabini asked as he pulled out his Potions book from the leather bag by his side.

"I suppose it is," Sirius said begrudgingly, finding that it bothered him more than he wanted to admit.

"You don't have to sound so depressed about it, Black. You can always hold out for someone you fancy." Greg looked at him curiously. "Maybe someone from Gryffindor?"

Sirius felt an odd tightening in his chest. "No, I think my parents can only take so much disappointment, maybe Greengrass'll grow on me."

"You could do _much_ worse." The wizard shot him an impish look, cocking his head to the side. "Honestly, I'm a bit worried for you if she doesn't do anything for you."

"You're a tosser, Zabini," Sirius said in an amused voice, earning him a laugh.

He picked up his book and began searching the index for werewolves. The school's curriculum surely had to have more balanced information than the books he'd found in the library.

* * *

"Hey, Sirius."

Sirius snapped shut the book he was reading and quickly pushed it behind his back. "Oh. Hey, Remus. What're you doing here?"

Remus blinked.

Sirius lifted dark arched eyebrows questioningly.

Remus blinked again.

Silence ensued.

"We share this dorm. Remember?"

Sirius looked around the room curiously. "Oh, yes. The dorm. Silly me." He forced out a laugh, his gaze darting around the tower as if his mind couldn't decide on what to focus, James and Peter nowhere to be found.

Remus nodded slowly and started to turn around but then stopped and swung back towards Sirius. "Is something _wrong_?" he asked, his voice hesitant but rushed at the same time.

Sirius shook his head.

Remus took a step closer but then stopped when Sirius scooted back on his bed at the movement. "Are you sure?" he asked, sandy brows pushed together in an unconvinced fashion.

"What could possibly be wrong?" Sirius asked in an innocent voice as his pulse raced madly through his veins. _Does he know that I know_? He'd noticed Remus growing increasingly unnerved by his behavior around him, but he'd hoped his friend would merely chalk it up to him just being odd and of no consequence.

"It just seems like you've been acting - _off_ \- around me for the past week," Remus said slowly.

"Oh. Well, I," Sirius paused. He had looked through every book imaginable, some of them twice, and he had read nothing even the least bit comforting or reassuring. And yet-Sirius sighed and ran a tired hand through his hair-He hadn't thought twice about forcing Snape into silence, and he had been relieved when James admitted to knowing about Remus and said he didn't care. Because-He looked up at the wizard-Remus was his friend. _Screw it_. He stood up and took in a deep breath, gathering his courage.

"Remus, _I know_."

Remus's eyes widened and he took a step back. "Know what?"

Sirius took in another breath, forcing back the irrational fears that had been poisoning his mind like a disease for the past few days, and he took a step towards the wizard. "I know - _what you are_. What you were trying to tell me the other night after we looked at my _book_." He shot him a meaningful look.

Remus's gaze darted to the closed door, the wizard visibly tensing. "I-I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius."

Sirius let out a laugh. "Oh, I think you do though," he said as he began to walk towards his friend, excitement dulling his faculties.

Remus took another step back, stumbling slightly when the backs of his legs bumped against the frame of his bed. "I don't," he insisted, his tone growing more alarmed.

Sirius stopped directly in front of the wizard and looked down at him. He saw the look of fear swimming in his friend's quiet hazel eyes and without warning he felt the last of his own anxieties disappear. Remus would never hurt him; he didn't need a stupid book to tell him that.

"You can tell me, Remus," he said in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

Remus's eyebrows shot up, surprise written all over his features. " _What_?"

Sirius quirked a small smile. "I want you to tell me, we're friends, that's what friends do."

"I-I."

Sirius nodded in a reassuring manner. "Go on."

Remus shook his head, his gaze dropping. "I can't. I _can't_ , Sirius. It's _too_ terrible," he said, his voice brimming with emotion.

Sirius shook his head, resisting the urge to touch him. "No, it's _not_ ," he said fervently, "It doesn't matter to me, Remus."

Remus dropped down onto the edge of his bed, a bitter laugh escaping his lips as he stared at his hands. "How can you say that? _You_ of _all_ people, Sirius? You don't even want to talk to me in public, because I'm not a pureblood."

Sirius flinched. He had noticed. Of course, he had noticed. It probably hadn't helped he had begun avoiding the wizard even more after discovering his secret either. "Remus, no, that's _not_ true."

Remus looked up slowly, eyes glittering darkly as they met Sirius's guilty gaze. "Isn't it, Sirius? I see how you glance around _every_ time you want to say something to me. And, I'd have to be a complete _fool_ not to notice how you talk at meals, staring at your plate, but _only_ when it's to me. Not James. Not Peter. _Just. Me._ How do you explain that?" A feral-sounding growl rumbled threateningly in the werewolf's chest.

Sirius forced himself not to take a step back at the unsettling noise. He shook his head adamantly, swallowing hard. He couldn't tell him. "I can't. But, I'm not ashamed of you. _At all_. Not one bit. I swear. You're my friend, and I don't have many." And then anger bloomed in his chest as he thought of all the people who _would_ care, who would want to hurt his friend because of what he was. He wouldn't let them. His tone grew harder as he continued, "So, I don't care _what_ you are. Now just _fucking_ tell me already, Remus."

Remus stood back up suddenly. He glared at Sirius, his hazel eyes dangerously dark. He took a step closer, bringing him within inches of the wizard.

Sirius's breathing picked up, his gaze seemingly trapped in the swirling darkness. He nodded encouragingly, not capable of forming words.

"I'm a _werewolf_ , Sirius." The words sounding bitter on his friend's tongue.

The angry confession floated like a ghost between the two wizards, intangible but ominous nonetheless.

Sirius nodded ever so slightly. "I know," he said hoarsely.

Remus's eyes widened and then relaxed hesitantly. "You - you really don't _care_?" he asked, hope pulsing painfully in his every word as disbelief slowed their delivery.

Sirius shook his head as he looked straight into Remus's eyes, and his heart stuttered ever so slightly in his chest. "Not one bit," he said honestly. The whisper of a laugh followed from his lips, and a genuine smile graced his features when he realized the words were completely true.

Remus sat back down, his gaze shifting to his hands. "That-that means a _lot_ to me. Thank you, Sirius," he said in an unsteady voice.

Sirius laughed again as relief poured over him. "James knows, too," he blurted. Remus's gaze snapped up. He stared at his friend with a look of horror on his face.

"No. No, he doesn't care either, Remus," he reassured him quickly. "In fact, he's embraced it quite thoroughly."

"What - do you mean?" Remus asked slowly, a confused look pushing his sandy eyebrows together.

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh as he remembered the conversation from the other day. "I believe his exact words were, 'this is _really_ cool.'"

Remus shook his head in wonder, a small smile pushing up his lips. "I really worry about him sometimes, you know."

Sirius returned the boy's smile and sat down beside him. "Yeah, I think he lacks basic survival instincts. Unlike Peter, who has enough for all of us."

Remus let out a groan. " _Oh no._ What am I going to do about Peter? If you two know, there's no way he won't figure it out eventually."

"Actually," Sirius hedged. "James said he'd handle that."

The two boys exchanged grimaces at the thought.

"I bet he pisses himself."

" _Sirius_."

* * *

"Is this _really_ necessary?" Remus asked his friends nervously as he sat with them on the floor in the dorm late Friday night.

Sirius and James nodded adamantly. Peter sat quietly, looking between the three boys in an unsure manner. It had been almost a week since Remus's secret had become basic dorm knowledge.

Peter had taken the news mostly as expected. James would not openly admit to the boy wetting himself, only grinning mysteriously every time Sirius asked him. Sirius had finally decided to take it as affirmation much to Peter's chagrin, Remus's disapproval and James's amusement.

"Yes, because we have a lot of questions, and so it's best if we get them all out now," James said as he shifted around on the rug like he might explode from anticipation.

"Yes, you don't want us to accidentally blurt them out in class or at mealtime. It's really for the best," Sirius added matter-of-factly.

Remus nodded begrudgingly as he ran an anxious hand through short, sandy locks. "All right. If you're sure you want to know."

"We do," Sirius and James blurted out almost simultaneously.

They all looked to Peter.

"I do, too," he said shyly.

"Good," James said excitedly, rubbing his hands together, "First question. How big are your claws?"

Remus shot his friend a look of reproof. "You do know that werewolves are _very dangerous_ , James. Right?"

"Of course." James nodded quickly. "So, would you say they're like this big?" he asked, holding up his hand with his forefinger and thumb spread apart a few inches.

Remus sighed. "Maybe a little bigger."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Okay, my turn. Where do you - transform?" he asked seriously.

Remus sighed. "It's supposed to be a secret, but I suppose you guys already know too much." He took in a deep breath. "The tunnel under the Whomping Willow. It leads to the Shrieking Shack near Hogsmeade. I transform inside there," he said in a hushed tone.

"You're _locked_ up for it?" Sirius asked, his voice taking on an edge.

Remus nodded slowly. "Yeah, so I don't _hurt_ anyone."

Sirius sat in silence. Of course. Why had he not thought about that? It made so much sense. That way he wouldn't be a danger to people. "Wait," he said suddenly. "Isn't that - rather unpleasant for you?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders, his gaze shifting to the floor. "It doesn't really matter. It's to keep people safe. From me."

Sirius and James exchanged glances.

"What do you look like?" Peter asked, surprising everyone with the question.

"Uh," Remus paused. "Like a wolf basically, but bigger, stockier, and with a shorter - muzzle. I'm not fully grown yet though," the sandy blond said apprehensively.

Sirius's mouth dropped open, as realization hit him. The mental picture of oversized paws ran through his mind. It couldn't be.

"What color is your fur?" Sirius asked abruptly, his mind pulling up the memory of the book and the wolf that had appeared when Remus had been sitting near it. _Is that why he got so worked up?_

Remus looked up, his unsure gaze meeting Sirius's excited one. "Grey."

Sirius felt a smile tug at his lips and a rush of some emotion began to well up in his chest as he remembered interacting with the wolf. _It was him_.

* * *

"Feeling okay, Remus?" James asked quietly as the four boys sat on a overstuffed red sofa in the corner of the Gryffindor common room. It was the first Friday in March after classes, and the boys were relaxing in front of the lit fireplace.

"Yeah, just a little tired," Remus mumbled from beside his friend as he sat leaned back with eyes closed and his head tilted, resting against the sofa. The full moon was in a few days' time.

"So am I. I think your cycles are affecting me too," Sirius said around a long yawn on the other side of the werewolf, his position much like Remus's.

"Is that possible?" Peter asked nervously, from James's other side, sitting on the end as he eyed Remus somewhat apprehensively.

"No, of course it's _not_. Sirius is just acting like a bird," James muttered as he too gave in and laid his head against the cushioned back.

"We should do something tonight," Sirius said lazily, ignoring his friend's snide comment as he inched closer to Remus until his side was pressed against the werewolf's. He smiled when the boy leaned into the touch slightly.

"We could study for the Potions exam we have next week," Remus said. Snorts, turning into tired snickers, erupted from either side of the werewolf.

"That was a good one, Remus," Sirius said as sleep made his body sink further into the couch, the glowing heat from the fire loosening his muscles and making them feel like jello.

"Yeah, Remus - is... hilarious," James added, his voice drifting off as he spoke. A few minutes later the four boys were fast asleep as the fire crackled softly.

* * *

Sirius stared up at the blank ceiling as he lay in his bed on the fourth Saturday in May. It was well past midnight, but he couldn't settle for some reason. He closed his eyes. _Probably because my meeting with Dumbledore is tomorrow_ , the thought popped into his head. "Shit." He opened his eyes again. He pushed down his blankets and flopped onto his stomach. He lifted his head and flipped over his pillow and dropped his face into it. "Mmph." After a few moments he pushed himself up and climbed out of his bed. He stood in the middle of the room, glancing around at the curtained beds. His gaze landed finally on the one directly across from him, and he padded across the cold floor.

"Remus?" Sirius asked quietly from just outside the boy's bed.

Curtains pulled back and the moonlight shone in on a wide awake Remus. "Couldn't sleep?" the sandy blond asked with an understanding smile.

Sirius nodded his head. "Yeah, mind if I join you for a bit?" he asked nervously. He cleared his throat. He didn't know why he felt anxious. He supposed it could be because it was the first time either one of them had visited the other since Remus's revelation a few months ago. Or maybe it was because it might be the last time.

Remus pulled back the curtains further and Sirius climbed in, moving around him and to the other side of the wizard.

The curtains shut, leaving the space almost pitch-black and oddly uncomfortable.

"What's keeping you up?" Sirius asked in almost a whisper as he pulled his knees up to his chest.

"My muscles are achy," Remus said quietly.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Because of the full moon next week?"

"Yeah," Remus said in a rough voice. They sat quietly for a long moment.

"So, I was thinking..."

"Risky business there," Remus said wryly.

"Yeah, probably." Sirius laughed nervously. He cleared his throat. "But, I wanted to ask you something. It's been bothering me for a while now."

Remus sat silently for a few beats. "What is it?"

Sirius swallowed. "Can I see you without your shirt on?" he blurted.

"Remus?"

"Why?"

"Uh," Sirius paused as he felt heat creep up the back of his neck. "James - he said you had scars - and I want to see them."

" _Why_?"

"Because, well I've tried to picture them and I can't," he explained simply.

"You've tried to _picture_ them?" Remus asked in a decidedly uncomfortable tone.

"Yeah... So, could I?" he asked. It had started to really get to the wizard that James had seen his scars but he hadn't.

"I don't know, Sirius," Remus paused. "They're really awful looking."

Sirius reached out his hand, placing it on the werewolf's knee. "I don't care. Really. I just - I _need_ to see them. It's driving me mad." He waited quietly, hoping his friend didn't get upset with him.

"They're ugly, Sirius." Remus pulled his knee away from the wizard's hand.

"I'll show you mine, if you do," he said.

"I'm sorry?"

"I have-I have a few scars too. We can show each other." He began to unbutton his shirt and pulled it off quickly. "There."

"I can't see anything, you know. There's no light," Remus said in a slightly amused voice.

" _Lumos_." Sirius set down his wand as he sat nervously in only his pajama pants beside the werewolf. "Now you."

Remus shook his head but pulled his shirt over his head.

Sirius scooted down the bed, turning around so they were facing each other. He began to scan Remus's chest greedily. His breath caught in his throat.

"They're bad, I know," Remus said quietly, his hands moving to cover his chest.

Sirius grabbed his hands, stopping him. "No," he said in a strained voice. "No, they're not." He let go of Remus's hands as he gaped at the scars littering his body. He swallowed hard. "Can I touch them?" he asked, his pulse racing as he looked at the marks crisscrossing Remus's surprisingly tone body. _Must be a werewolf thing_.

"Where are yours?"

"Oh." Sirius turned around to display his back.

"How did you get them?"

Warm fingers startled the wizard as they brushed right below his shoulder blade along the topmost of six thin scars that ran parallel across his back, stopping just before reaching his sides.

"Kreacher - one of our house elves," he said in a ragged voice as the fingers sent waves of heat through his body.

Remus's hand stilled, resting on his skin. " _What_?" he asked in a sharp voice.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Yeah, he used to carry out my parents' punishments with spells that left visible marks until my father found out. Then he switched to invisible forms."

"When did this happen?" Remus asked quietly, his voice tense with some emotion.

"Ah, I was five I think for the top three and then six for the other three."

"What did you do?" Remus asked, the intensity growing in his voice.

Sirius swallowed hard. "I was running inside the first time, it was during a dinner my parents were throwing. And the second was... was for not saying thank you for a birthday present properly."

" _Properly_?"

"Yeah." Sirius cleared his throat as the memory he was trying not to recall completely pushed heavily on his mind. A shudder shot through his body. He remembered the seemingly insignificant mistake. "I didn't address my father like I had been taught when I thanked him. I forgot in my excitement, and it was in front of company. They are very strict when it comes to appearances."

"And so they punished you _like this_?" Remus asked, his voice rising dangerously.

Sirius pulled away from the hand and turned back around. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shown you. It was a mistake."

"No. No, Sirius," he said quickly, all anger gone from his voice. "I'm sorry." Remus grabbed his hand and placed it on his own chest. "You can touch them if you really want to."

Sirius felt all thoughts melt from his mind as his hand rested on Remus's chest. He moved it over to the side slightly and was rewarded with the feel of the werewolf's pounding heart, the fast rhythm oddly comforting. He then carefully ran a fingertip along a scar that ran down from the right side of his chest and across to the other side, stopping right below his ribs. He found another scar that ran down beside his belly button and began to trace it. He stopped when Remus gasped. He looked up curiously at the boy.

"Sorry, that tickled," Remus said in a breathy voice.

A smile slowly curled up Sirius's lips, and he ran his finger lazily across the skin below the werewolf's belly button and was rewarded with another gasp. "Doesn't _sound_ like it tickles," he said with a grin.

Remus pushed his hand away. "Stop it, Sirius." He looked away.

Sirius licked his lips as he studied his suddenly-closed off friend. "All right." He whispered a 'nox', putting out his wand and climbed back up beside the boy and lay down on his pillow. "Can I stay with you?" he asked in almost a whisper.

"I don't know. Maybe it's not a good idea tonight."

Sirius snuggled deeper into the pillow. "Please. I promise I won't tickle you anymore. I'm going to miss this if I transfer," he said unthinkingly.

Remus sat quietly for a moment. "You're still planning on that?"

Sirius nodded, his eyes growing heavy as he breathed in the other boy's calming scent from his pillow. "I have to. I'm meeting with Dumbledore tomorrow after breakfast."

Remus slid down, lying on his back as Sirius lay on his side, facing him. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Sirius frowned at the apparent sadness in his friend's voice, grey eyes still shut. "Yeah, but we can still talk and hang out if I do. Just not as often is all." They lay quietly in the darkness of the curtained bed for a few moments.

"Yeah - I suppose so," Remus said hesitantly. Two sets of breathing filled the space. "You can stay."

Sirius smiled at the sound of his friend's tiring voice and scooted closer. He breathed in deeply and was rewarded with a more direct line to the werewolf's scent. "You smell really good, Remus," Sirius murmured.

"Th-thanks, Sirius," was whispered back.

"Mmm." Sirius pressed his nose against his friend's neck and breathed in again, barely registering the gasp that followed. "Night, Remus."

* * *

Sirius began to wake up, a feeling of complete ease keeping his eyes shut. He breathed in deeply and inhaled a delicious scent. _Chocolate_. His tongue darted out and licked the tasty object.

"Ah-h!"

Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus staring at him with wide eyes. "Remus... what's wrong?"

"N-nothing - nothing's wrong." Remus sat up abruptly and climbed out of bed, quickly making his way to the bathroom.

Sirius frowned as he watched the sandy-blond leave the room. "What's that about?" he muttered to himself.

"You licked him."

"What?" Sirius turned to see a grinning James, standing by his trunk.

"Yeah, Remus and I were talking, and you just scooted up next to him and licked him." James leaned over and began to search through his trunk.

Sirius's jaw dropped open.

"You ran your tongue up his neck like he was a lolli-"

"I get it, _James_ ," Sirius snapped, feeling surprisingly hot at the realization. "Why didn't Remus say something?"

"Honestly? I think he was too embarrassed." James laughed as he stood up, holding a book in his hand. "I mean, it was a pretty decent lick. You had your whole tongue flat against-" the wizard cut off suddenly when a pillow hit him square in the face.

"Tosser." Sirius jumped up from Remus's bed and walked over to his own. He tried to remember the event but couldn't. He frowned as he opened his trunk.

"So, Remus said you had a meeting with Dumbledore today?" James asked from behind him.

Sirius froze. He had forgotten. "Oh, yeah. After breakfast," he said quietly as dread began to fill him once more.

James walked over and sat down on Sirius's bed. "What for? Did you get into trouble?" he asked, with a grin.

"Oh, uh, no. Not exactly." Sirius pulled on a shirt, and then he smoothed down his hair, steeling himself for an outburst. "I'm going to request a House change."

"A _House change_?" James practically shouted the question, his voice incredulous.

Sirius began to button the shirt. "Yeah - to Slytherin."

James cursed under his breath. "Remus is so dead."

"What's that?" Sirius asked, glancing over.

James looked up. "Oh, uh... _nothing_ ," he said in a clearly pained voice. "I, just - that's _cool_." He shot Sirius a tight closed-mouth smile.

Sirius blinked. "Cool?"

James nodded, clearly struggling with the motion.

Sirius dropped his slacks on top of his trunk and sat down beside the wizard. "Why're you lying to me?"

James let out an angry noise and then took in a deep breath before saying, "Listen, Sirius. I'd be lying if I said I wanted you to leave us." He paused and took in another breath. "But, I know you wouldn't do it unless you had a good reason. So, no, it's not _cool_ , but I — I understand." He clapped his hand on his best friend's shoulder, his expression growing more genuine. "We'll miss you though, _a lot_."

Sirius nodded, his stomach curling unpleasantly as he tried to respond. "Thanks, James," he forced out as he stared down at his feet.

"I should warn you though," James said in a suddenly serious voice. Sirius looked up questioningly. "You'll be hard pressed to find a Slytherin to cuddle with. Remus is exceptionally lenient with your eccentric ways." He grinned at his friend.

Sirius quirked a small smile as the discomfort in his stomach grew. "Yeah, you're probably right." He forced out a laugh when James shoved him playfully, shoving him back half-heartedly.


	15. Chapter 15

Grey eyes stared down as a fork pushed unappetizing food around on the plate before them.

"Sirius?"

The black-haired wizard looked up at his name and found himself meeting hazel eyes. "Yeah, Remus?"

"I just asked if you're feeling all right." The sandy blond was studying him closely.

Sirius looked back down at his plate, and he nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

James shifted in his seat on his right, unusually quiet, and Peter wasn't saying anything either, the short blond clearly picking up on the somber mood shared by his three friends.

Sirius pushed his plate away with a quiet exhale. He stood up, looking over his shoulder and eyeing the doors to the Great Hall. "I think I'm going to go now," he said, the words feeling numb on his tongue, and his brain refusing to register his friends' responses.

He walked towards the exit, his legs seemingly moving of their own accord as he blocked out what he was about to do. He pushed open the heavy wooden door, stepping out and then it shut behind him almost silently, sealing away the hall's distracting noises, and the sound of his mind's buzzing seemed to grow louder in response as he began down the long hallway.

"Sirius, wait!"

The dark-haired wizard turned around to see Remus jogging towards him. He ran a hand through his shaggy hair as he waited for the wizard to catch up with him.

Remus stopped in front of him. "Can I walk with you?" he asked, words rushed.

Sirius nodded, and then the two wizards began to make their way towards the headmaster's office silently, side-by-side, the corridors abandoned. Sirius scraped the toe of his right shoe along the stones occasionally, the action oddly reminding him of home. _Stop it_ , he chastised his mind.

"Sirius?"

Grey eyes remained pointed down. "Yeah?"

"About - about last night," was said hesitantly.

Sirius stopped at that. He glanced around the empty hallway unnecessarily and then looked to Remus. "...Yeah?"

"I'm sorry," Remus said simply.

Sirius felt a pressure begin to bloom in his chest inexplicably, all other thoughts that didn't relate to his friend before him taking a back burner. "Sorry?" he said.

Remus cleared his throat and looked away. "Yeah, I mean. How I pushed you away... I was just surprised is all." He shifted in place nervously for a few beats and when Sirius only stood there - not blinking, seemingly frozen - he made to leave.

Sirius's hand darted out, grabbing Remus's arm quickly, stopping him. "No, _wait_." He held onto the werewolf's arm as he tried to gather his thoughts. Remus was apologizing for pushing him away. _I was just surprised is all_ , his friend's words rung in his mind, understanding allowing the taller wizard to take a step forward, moving closer, like he'd found himself wanting to so often as of recent. "It's fine," he said quietly, the pressure in his chest growing as he looked down at the sandy blond, making it difficult to breathe.

Remus swallowed hard as he looked up at his friend. "You're not angry with me then?"

"No. I just-" He stopped when his gaze landed on Remus's mouth. His friend's lips had turned up ever so slightly in relief at his words, and he had the sudden urge to feel them on his own. His mind began to race _._ He licked his lips, and then he heard himself say: "Can I kiss you?"

Remus blinked slowly. "I." He glanced around before meeting Sirius's gaze, his expression surprised and a little hesitant, but then he nodded slightly.

A shallow breath escaped tight lungs as Sirius dipped his chin, leaning forward to press his lips against Remus's - and excitement shot through him, like he'd never felt before. His hands settled on the wizard's sides, and they squeezed. He heard a soft noise and pressed his mouth more insistently until lips parted, and his mouth opened eagerly in response, his tongue moving out and into Remus's mouth as his racing mind sped up even further. His hands slid down and then began to pull at material, fingertips soon settling on warm skin that wasn't his own, the sensation sending a thrill through his body, and then they began to slide down further, needing more, and they dipped under-

" _Sirius_!" Remus shoved him away hard, knocking him back a few feet and into the wall. "What the hell!"

Sirius's chest rose and fell rapidly as he leaned against the stone wall, his fingers tingling and his grey eyes wide with excitement as he stared into dark eyes. "I'm sorry," he breathed with a shake of his head as he tried to calm down not sure what he'd been thinking. "I'm so sorry, Remus."

Remus shook his head at that, and his hardened gaze shifted to the floor. He ran a hand roughly through his short locks. "It's okay," he said in a tight voice.

Sirius nodded jerkily despite the wizard not being able to see it. He couldn't find his voice.

"I should go," the werewolf finally said in a more subdued voice, not meeting his gaze and instead looking down the hallway from where they'd just come, an unreadable expression masking his features.

"All right," Sirius forced out hoarsely, and then he watched as his friend stalked away, turning the corner a few seconds later, leaving him alone with confusing thoughts. He leaned his head back and rested it against the wall, a dry laugh bubbling from his lips.

* * *

"Mr. Black, please, come in."

Sirius took a deep breath and walked past the Headmaster and into his office.

"Please, have a seat," the old wizard said as he still stood by the open door, pointing to the chair that'd appeared upon the boy's entrance.

"Thank you, Sir," Sirius said politely as he walked over to the offered seat, that looked like it could've been taken from the Gryffindor common room. He sat down in the oversized red chair.

"Lemondrop?" Dumbledore offered lightly, motioning to a silver dish as he moved around the large desk they sat on, his purple robes twinkling as he moved, and then he sat down in the seat behind his desk.

"No, thank you," Sirius responded, his stomach turning at the thought of eating anything.

The Headmaster nodded. "Do you mind if I do?"

Sirius shook his head.

The bearded wizard smiled and picked up one of the yellow candies and popped it into his mouth, moving it from cheek to cheek, his expression thoughtful. "Hm. They're quite sour at first, painfully so, if I am being completely honest. However, you tend to forget though because then they sweeten, and you are left with an almost cloying flavor in your mouth. All around I suppose a rather unpleasant candy. But, I always go back to them for some reason."

Sirius nodded slowly at the unusual wizard.

"Well, enough talk about sweets." He looked at the young wizard, his gaze intensifying suddenly as he clasped his hands over top the desk separating them. "Let us discuss why you are here today, Mr. Black."

Sirius felt his mouth go dry. This was it. He could finally make his parents happy and get on with his schooling, no longer having the threat of a house change hanging ominously over his head. "Sir," he started. Dumbledore leaned forward on his elbows and raised bushy grey eyebrows expectantly. "I would like to request a change to Slytherin House," he said in a forced even voice.

"Would you?"

Sirius licked his chapped lips. No. He really wouldn't. But it didn't matter. "Yes, Sir," he said.

The Headmaster tilted his chin down and looked at the Gryffindor over narrow, rectangular glasses, his twinkling blue eyes piercing. "You are not happy in your House, Mr. Black?"

"No. I mean - I _need_ to switch Houses, Sir. Please." He bit down on the inside of his lip.

"And why do you _need_ to switch, if I might ask?" the old wizard asked gently.

Sirius looked down at his clasped hands in his lap. Could he tell him why? Should he? Should he lie? No, he suspected the wizard would be able to tell if did. He looked back up. "It is of the utmost importance that I switch, sir," he said instead, being as honest as he could.

"I see..." the older wizard said, his voice sounding surprisingly gruff.

"I'm sorry, Sir." He looked back down into his lap, feeling like he'd angered the wizard somehow.

"Sirius, look at me." Sirius looked up into twinkling blue eyes, all harshness gone from them. "You need not apologize. It is I, who should be apologizing to you, I fear."

Black brows furrowed. "Sir?"

"Sirius, I pride myself in being an excellent judge of character," the old wizard began, his tone conversational, "and do you want to know what I gathered when I first met you for your school interview?"

Sirius thought for a moment. He nodded slowly.

The wizard smiled at him warmly. "You should know very few wizards have ever eluded my snap judgement, but you are one of those. When we first met I was at a complete loss, and happily so, I might add," he paused and his gaze suddenly began to intensify a deepness pouring into them as he stared intently into grey eyes.

The young wizard maintained eye-contact as he fought the urge to squirm under the uncomfortable feeling. It was as if his very soul was being scrutinized.

The Headmaster broke the gaze, his eyes flitting over to the dish of candies on the corner of his desk for a short moment before he looked back up at Sirius, his gaze appearing almost apologetic in nature. "It seems your path is your own," he said with a solemn tone of finality.

Sirius let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. He furrowed dark eyebrows, the skin between them pinching as he thought of what the headmaster had just said. Or what he hadn't said... "I'm sorry, Sir. I'm not sure I understand."

The old wizard nodded knowingly. "Yes. Unfortunately that is often the way things are," he responded with a sympathetic smile. "Now, as for your House change request."

Sirius nodded, sitting up straight as he waited for his decision. He forced a hopeful smile as his mind did its best to push it back down. _Please no. No. No. No. No. Say no._

Dumbledore studied him for a long moment and then said in a happy voice, "Unfortunately, I cannot. It is in the school's rules that only the Sorting Hat may make that decision, and it refuses to make more than one judgement per student."

Sirius nodded slowly, holding back the relief that was trying to rush his body. "I understand. Is there _any_ other way?" he asked dutifully.

" _None_. Now, I am sure your parents will be eager to learn the results of this meeting, and so I will be personally visiting them tomorrow to tell them the details of our meeting and the subsequent news, so that they may air out any concerns or grievances with _me_ ," he said the last word with surprising force.

Sirius nodded again. "Thank you, sir," he said, unsure of what to make of the statement. He started to stand up.

"Sirius."

He looked to the Headmaster again.

"You make a _fine_ Gryffindor." The old wizard's smile turned mischievous. "Make sure you and your dorm mates don't get into too much trouble tonight... celebrating." He winked at the boy.

Sirius let out a surprised laugh and grinned sheepishly at the Headmaster. "We'll do our best, Sir."

* * *

"Hey guys," Sirius said quietly as he walked into the dorm having come straight from his meeting. He dropped his gaze to the floor as the three wizards all stopped what they were doing and stared at him. "So, I was thinking - maybe we could all do something together tonight," he said sullenly.

"Yeah, yeah sure, mate," James said, speaking up quickly as he pushed himself off his bed. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Well - I don't know." He looked up slowly, a huge grin gracing his features. "Maybe I should let you pick, seeing as how it looks like you guys are stuck with me for the next five years."

* * *

"Do you think it's safe?"

"Absolutely not."

Sirius and James grinned at each other, matching looks of mania flooding their eyes.

"What is with you two and sliding down banisters?" Remus said as he looked down the shifting staircase before them, "It's not even that much fun."

James let out a shocked gasp and stumbled backwards as if he might faint, and Sirius reached out a hand, stabilizing his friend. "James, he doesn't mean it. Remus, surely you don't mean that," Sirius exclaimed in a disbelieving voice.

Remus nodded. "I do. And I have to say this is an awful idea. How are you planning on timing your slides? The switches are _unmethodical_. You do know what that means, right?"

Sirius nodded. James shook his head. Peter glanced between the two boys and then back to Remus, not responding.

"It means it's extra exciting," Sirius answered cheekily.

"No. It _means_ , you are going to end up breaking your neck." Remus crossed his arms and frowned disapprovingly at his friends.

"I know what this is about," Sirius said, a grin slowly forming. He walked over to Remus and threw an arm around the confused wizard's shoulders.

"That I don't want you guys to die?" the sandy blond offered as he tried to hide the slight waver in his voice at the dark-haired wizard's sudden nearness.

"No." Sirius leaned towards Remus, stopping when his mouth was almost touching the werewolf's ear and whispered softly, "You want a go at it first, don't you, Remus?"

Remus pushed him away. "I'm not going at all."

"Oh, come on, Remus," James whined, "You've got to."

"Yeah, we're celebrating my staying in Gryffindor. Remember? You said that I could choose _anything_." Sirius looked at the werewolf with an expectant expression.

"No, _James_ said that," Remus stated calmly.

"It's true. I did." James smiled happily by his side.

"Yeah, but you nodded. I saw it!" Sirius pointed accusingly at the werewolf. "Peter is going to do it. So, you can't back out."

"Uh, I never-"

"Yeah, if Peter is in. You can't not be!" James chipped in.

"Guys, I never-"

"So, what's it going to be, Remus?" Sirius looked at his friend, dark brows arched, a disappointed look proactively crossing his face.

"Guys-"

" _Shut up_ , Peter."

Remus sighed and then nodded begrudgingly. "Fine. But, just this once."

"Excellent."

* * *

"Remus-Remus, I am _so_ sorry!"

"Shut up! Can't you see he's sleeping!"

"You shut up, you stupid git!" There were muffled noises followed by a few dull thuds.

"You're such a bloody wanker!"

"How _dare_ you call me that! You better not-"

" _Wanker_!"

"Aghh!"

"Ow! _Ow_! Ow-w!"

"Guys. _Shut. Up_."

James and Sirius looked over to see Remus's eyes opened. Sirius released James from the headlock he had just secured him in, causing the wizard to drop to the floor. He walked over quickly to the werewolf's bedside.

"Remus, are you okay?" Sirius asked as he leaned over the bed with wide grey eyes.

Remus closed his eyes again and swallowed. "Yeah, my head just hurts," he said quietly.

"All right. You two need to leave now. You're being far too loud," Madam Pomfrey said curtly as she walked into the curtained-off area, carrying a line of potions on a silver tray.

"No, we're sorry Madam Pomfrey," Sirius said in a rush, "Could just one of us stay? Just until he falls back asleep?" He shot the witch his most pathetic look.

The mediwitch let out a huff as she set the tray down on the table by Remus's bed. "All right. _One_ of you may stay, and _only_ until he falls asleep. No exceptions."

"I'll stay," Sirius spoke up again quickly. He turned to James. "It was mostly my fault for guilting him into it after all."

James nodded. "Yeah, all right. I'll tell Pete he's okay."

Sirius stood quietly as he watched James leave and then sat down in one of the nearby chairs and waited for Madam Pomfrey to finish.

"There. Now, you should be in top shape by morning. Just try to get some rest," she said in a surprisingly soft voice to the werewolf.

Sirius watched the boy nod quietly, offering a grateful smile to the mediwitch. Madam Pomfrey glared suspiciously at Sirius as she walked out, closing the curtains behind her.

"So, how far did I make it?"

Sirius glanced over. "Oh, uh," he paused as he remembered the wizard falling to the ground before he was even halfway down. "You _almost_ made it," he said, failing to hold back a grimace.

Remus grinned at him. "You're an awful liar."

Sirius returned the gesture, the expression a little tighter. "Maybe, only if I feel guilty though."

Remus nodded. "I suppose you're right. I practically believed you when you made up that story for Slughorn of how Lily's skirt got shrunk, and I even saw you cast the spellwork."

Sirius shrugged a shoulder, his smile falling from his lips abruptly. He cleared his throat. "Remus, listen, I'm really sorry."

Remus turned his head and looked up at the ceiling. "It wasn't really your fault, Sirius. I obviously knew the risks."

"No." Sirius stood up. "I meant about what happened earlier today - after breakfast."

Remus didn't respond.

He walked over to the werewolf's bedside and sat down on the edge. "For - for kissing you like that _._ "

Remus sighed. "I agreed to it, Sirius, you don't need to apologize."

"Yeah." He looked down at the wizard's hand that was resting near him, finding he wanted to touch it. He shook his head. "But, I kind of - ruined it - didn't I?"

Remus moved his hand away from Sirius and up to his chest, drawing the wizard's gaze with it. He sighed, his eyes closing. "Let's just not talk about it," he said quietly.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he continued to study the hand that was rising and falling with each breath the werewolf took. "So, you want to just forget about it then?" he asked uncertainly.

Remus opened his eyes and met Sirius's gaze. "Is that what you want?"

Sirius thought for a moment. He didn't really know what he wanted. He found himself nodding.

* * *

"I hate this train ride," Sirius mumbled as he stared out at the speeding ground below. The tall wizard sat in a compartment with his three friends, the shiny red engine racing along as if it couldn't wait to reach the station. Grey eyes closed. He couldn't believe school was already over for the year. _Two months. Two long months._

"So you're still allowed to come and stay for a couple weeks, right Remus?"

Sirius's eyes flitted open, and he watched the werewolf seated across from him nod.

"Yeah, my parents said I could come a week after the full moon," he said with a smile.

"I wish I could go, but my mum says we'll be traveling all summer," Peter said sullenly.

"What about you, Sirius? Did your parents say yes?" James turned to his friend beside him.

"No, sorry, mate." Sirius let out a harsh laugh and began to tap the window with his finger, the errant thought of busting it open popped into his mind. He felt a sudden surge of magic begin to race from his core and towards his fingertips. He gasped, forcing it back in before it could make it all the way down his arm. He pulled his hand away quickly and sat upright.

"You okay, Sirius?"

Sirius looked up at Remus. He blinked. "Yeah, I - uh - yeah, I'm good," he said, nodding to add validity to his hesitant words. He forced a grin. "So, are you going to miss seeing my pretty face in the morning?"

Remus laughed as he shook his head. "Definitely."

James let out a groan. "That reminds me. Evie asked me to give you this," he said, pulling out a piece of folded parchment and holding it out for Sirius.

Sirius took the note and opened it, his eyes widening as he read the words on the parchment.

"What's it say?" James asked curiously, leaning over to peer at the note himself.

"She," Sirius paused and a shocked laugh escaped his lips. "She asked me to stay with her and her family at their beach house in Italy for three weeks. She says that my parents've already given their permission."

He lowered the parchment as he struggled to not jump at the offer, something holding him back. _Why shouldn't I want to go? It sounds fun, and I won't have to be home._ His mind settled on a conjured mental picture of the pretty blonde in a bathing suit. An impish smile pushed up the corners of his mouth. Perhaps he should go. _Maybe Evie would like to kiss. She's older, and she seems eager enough. I'm sure-_

"Do you think you'll go?" Remus asked, interrupting the boy's train of thought.

Sirius glanced up at the sandy blond, his grin dropping as he noticed something off about the werewolf. Remus was looking at him with a questioning look, but there was something else about his expression he was trying to hide. He almost seemed uneasy or... _nervous_.

"No, probably not," he said, folding the paper and tossing it back to James in a flippant manner.

"What? _Why not?_ " James asked, bemoaning the wizard's choice as if it were his own loss.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't want to go is all." He looked back out the window, an odd niggling settling in his chest.


	16. Chapter 16

Sirius stared up at the recently wallpapered walls and darkened-ceiling of his room at Twelve Grimmauld Place, his mother clearly having decided while he was away that white was no longer acceptable and that a worn black was a more appropriate bedroom color for her children.

The tall wizard scooted up further on his bed, dressed still in the dress slacks and white button up he'd worn for the train ride home, tie loosened, and his trunk pushed up against the foot of his oversized bed and only partially unpacked. He held up the item that had interrupted his unpacking. A clean pair of Remus's socks that'd somehow gotten into his trunk. He lowered them to his nose experimentally and sniffed. A laugh escaped his lips. They smelled like his friend oddly enough. He tossed the balled-up pair of socks high up into the air, catching them with one hand only to repeat the process as he thought.

When he'd gotten home just a half hour before his parents had been exceptionally cold. His father had told him in no uncertain terms he was displeased with the result of his meeting with Dumbledore, and while they understood that there was nothing to be done about it they had certain expectations if he wanted to remain at Hogwarts for his schooling.

The first of which was that he would be going to Italy with the Greengrasses in a month's time.

Sirius frowned slightly. _Maybe Remus doesn't actually care, I was probably just imagining it._ He stopped tossing the socks, letting them rest on his chest. Why would Remus care? Because they had kissed? Surely not. It was just that once, and Remus had been keeping his distance ever since. _It's like he regrets it_. The wizard closed his eyes, pushing away the thought. It wasn't like they were going steady. Sirius let out a sharp laugh at the thought.

"What's so funny?"

Grey eyes opened. "Andromeda, what're you doing here?" Sirius asked with a slow grin as he remained spread out on his bed.

The witch grinned back and walked over, dropping down onto the dark green duvet that covered Sirius's bed and scooting over until she was lying next to him, their arms almost touching. "My father is meeting with yours," she said simply as she stared up at the ceiling. "Bella's here, too. She's downstairs with your mum in the parlor."

Sirius's lips curled up again. "I'm offended she didn't want to see me."

"Oh, she did. Trust me, but our father forbade it."

They grinned at each other, and Sirius paused as he studied the grey-eyed witch beside him curiously, something about her smile making him think of Remus. He rolled onto his side to face the witch. "Andromeda, have you kissed anyone before?" he asked abruptly.

Andromeda blushed. "Yeah, a few times."

Sirius nodded. He didn't know why, but the answer pleased him.

"Have you?" she asked quietly, the mood in the room shifting suddenly, making Sirius suddenly want to move closer, "kissed anyone - that is?"

Sirius thought back to his kiss with Remus, and the blood in his veins picked up speed. He nodded. "Yeah."

"Who?"

Sirius's tongue darted to wet his lips as his body began to respond to the memory. "Remus," he said somewhat roughly.

Andromeda looked over at him in surprise. "Your friend, Remus?"

Sirius nodded and pushed up onto his elbow so he could look down at his cousin. He reached out and carefully ran a hand along the witch's long black hair; a smile tugged at his lips when she didn't move away from the touch. "Yeah, I've not kissed a girl though," he said, his voice softening as his hand moved to her neck, and he ran the backs of his fingers along the soft, porcelain skin. His gaze shifted to full, red lips. "I think I might like to kiss you."

The witch blinked. "I'm... a bit older than you," she said somewhat hesitantly.

Sirius's smile widened to show perfectly white teeth. "Three years to be exact. But, I'm a bit taller than you," he said with a laugh, mimicking her.

Andromeda's lips turned up slightly in response but then her expression grew more serious. "Do you like me, Sirius?" she asked.

Sirius's smile wavered, but then he forced it back, plastering it there firmly. "Of course I do, Andromeda. Do you like me?" he asked, his hand settling on the witch's neck gently, his fingers wrapping around the sides but not placing any pressure on the area, her pulse thumping under his thumb.

"You're very attractive, Sirius," she said softly, "I just - do you really want this?"

Sirius's hand slid down, running slowly along her smooth bare arm. "What if I did?" he asked curiously.

"Then, then I'd let you," was said.

He slid his hand down lower and settled on her stomach just above her skirt, his fingers curving around her side. "I do," he said and then gently squeezed, eliciting a small gasp from the witch and sending a surge of excitement down through his own body.

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss gently on his cousin's neck, working his way up as his hand slid in the opposite direction. "Andromeda, you are _very_ pretty," he whispered when he reached the witch's ear.

"Th-thanks, Sirius," was stuttered.

He smiled, and then he pulled back just enough to press his lips to hers, his mouth opening after just a few beats for his tongue to run along glossed lips, they tasted like candy. She opened her mouth, letting his tongue move in, and he felt arms slowly wrap around his neck, and then they were pulling him closer as his hand ran down over her skirt, settling on smooth skin.

Fingers ran timidly down his side, stopping at the top of his slacks and then they tugged at them questioningly. Sirius nodded eagerly - and then a groan fell from his lips.

* * *

Sirius sat up, moving to the edge of his messed bed. He stared at the dark wall in front of him as he avoided eye-contact with the witch still lying on the bed behind him.

He swallowed around a lump in his throat, trying to push down the uneasy feelings that had started plaguing him as soon as they had stopped. "So, uh. Thanks," he said lamely as he stood up, not turning around.

"Sirius?"

He adjusted his shirt and sniffed nonchalantly. "Yeah?"

"Look at me, please?"

Sirius turned around as he ran a hand over his hair to smooth it down. "What's up?" he asked shortly, tone bordering indifferent, as he struggled to keep the unpleasant emotions he was feeling out of his voice.

The witch looked up at him with a concerned expression etched in her features. "Why did you want to do that?" she asked slowly, her tone cautious.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder. "Didn't you like it?"

The witch sat for a long moment before saying, "It's not that. It's just—when you said you liked me—did you mean it?"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair again, his gaze shifting away. He hadn't. Why had he said that? He didn't dislike her, but he knew what she had meant. "Yeah, of course I did," he lied.

The witch nodded slowly, her eyes looking like they were searching him for something. "But aren't you going to stay with Evie Greengrass in Italy this summer?"

Sirius looked back to her and smiled somewhat sheepishly. "Yeah, but only because I don't have a say, I don't want to go. My parents said it would be rude to decline the invitation."

Andromeda nodded again, the movement growing more slight. "So you don't like her then?"

"No, not at all," he said firmly, the statement being one of the only truths he had told in the past hour.

"Okay. Do you want to visit me tomorrow?" she asked in an unsure voice.

A grin slowly formed at the invitation, all guilt leaving him. "Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

"Sirius, I see you and Andromeda have been spending more time together this summer."

Sirius glanced up in surprise from his book at the sound of his father's voice. The tall wizard was standing in the doorway of the library where Sirius had been spending time when he wasn't in his room or at Andromeda's. His father had grown less cold with him over the weeks, but his mother hadn't. "Yes, Father," he said politely.

Orion nodded in a seemingly pleased manner, icy grey eyes intently trained on him, making Sirius want to shift in his seat. "Tell me, does she please you?"

Sirius blinked slowly. _What_? "...Sir?" he asked, thinking he'd misheard.

A lecherous smile slowly curled up the corners of the wizard's mouth, making Sirius's stomach turn. "I remember what is was like at your age, Sirius. I spoke to your Uncle Cygnus and arranged it to ease your summer."

"I don't understand, Father," he said, barely able to keep his tone level, because he was starting to, very quickly, and it wasn't good. The wizard felt like he had been punched in the chest. Had Andromeda not wanted to do those things? Had he been taking advantage of her?

"Your cousin,"—Orion's smile grew—"she is quite the beauty. I thought you might enjoy her company. So, I requested that her affections be _encouraged_."

He had. Sirius felt bile begin to rise in his throat. How had he not known? Memories flitted through his mind. The odd waver in her voice at times. The way she refused to actually say whether she wanted to do the things they were doing. How could he have been so stupid?

"Don't you have something to say, Sirius?"

Sirius looked up at the wizard in the doorway, the expectant look in mirrored grey eyes making him want to be sick. "Thank you.. Father," he somehow forced out.

The older man nodded and then turned, walking out of the room.

* * *

"Hey, Sirius."

Grey eyes held trained on the black ceiling above. Black. What kind of color was black for a wall color?

"Sirius?"

He refused to respond as his cousin walked over to his bedside.

"Sirius, are you... all right?"

The wizard closed his eyes. He couldn't look at her. "Yeah, I'm great," he said, his tone flat.

"You don't sound great. Do you not feel-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, dropping all pretense, but still refusing to look at her. He couldn't.

Sirius waited. _Then I'd let you._ His jaw clenched. How had he not seen it?

"Tell you what?"

Grey eyes opened, anger flashing in them. He sat up and glared at the witch, who was standing just in front of his bed. The bed they had done things on, things—He had been _so_ blind. "Why didn't you tell me about our _arrangement_? You _should_ have told me," he hissed quietly, not wanting their conversation to be overheard.

Andromeda's expression widened with surprise, and then she slowly lowered down onto the wizard's bed, sitting on the edge, her gaze dropped. "I - I thought you knew," she said.

Sirius's eyes widened. " _What_? You thought I _knew_?" he asked incredulously. He let out a confused laugh as his thoughts grew less solid. "You thought I would _do_ something like that to you, Andromeda?"

The witch shook her head, the movement slight, as she looked down at her hands. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Sirius," she said quietly.

"You're sorry? _You're_ sorry?" He began to laugh again, his mind struggling. What did that mean? She was sorry? For what? He was the one who should be sorry. How could he have done this to her, how could—

"Sirius-Sirius are you all right?" A worried hand reached out and settled on the wizard's shoulder, stifling his laughter.

He jerked away from the unwanted touch. What had he been thinking? He didn't even like her. He had used her. And he had lied to her. Was he already losing any semblance of good in him? He clenched his eyes shut. "Please, _just go._ "

"Sirius, _please_ -"

"Andromeda, I don't want to talk." He lay back down, his hands rubbing at his face roughly as he tried to keep it together. He waited for the door to open but it remained silent.

"I can't," she finally whispered.

Sirius's hands stilled. " _What_?"

"I can't. I can't leave. My father... he'd be upset," she said in a whisper, her voice pained.

Sirius felt guilt rush over him. "Oh." He didn't know what else to say.

She settled back onto the bed, but didn't scoot closer, leaving space between them. The two cousins settling into a heavy silence.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Sirius," she said, quietly.

The wizard didn't respond, the sentiment behind the words bouncing off of him.

"You _didn't_. And, I should have known you didn't know. I just... I was being stupid. I'm sorry."

Sirius turned his head to look at his cousin. "No. No, _I'm sorry_." He looked back up at the ceiling, and he forced out a held breath from stingy lungs. "Can I ask you something...?" he asked, his voice growing unusually timid.

"Yeah."

"You didn't want to do any of what we did. Did you?" he asked unnecessarily, his emotions ebbing as he waited for a response.

The witch lay quietly for a long moment. "That's a difficult question to answer."

"How so?"

"Well, I mean. You were really sweet, and it was... nice. But, I'm not sure if I would have done it if..."

"If you hadn't been expected to?" Sirius offered, completing her thought.

"Yeah... Sorry."

Sirius let out a slow breath, an emotion forming quietly in his chest, grey eyes growing dark. " _Don't be_."

* * *

 Sirius glared at the back of his father's head as he walked behind him into Greengrass Manor a few days later.

"Orion, so good to see you," a tall blond-haired man greeted the wizard as they entered a sitting room. The house was better lit than Twelve Grimmauld Place, walls a soft cream color, the curtains pulled back to let in natural sunlight.

"Ian, it is always a pleasure," Orion responded, his voice infused with an unusual politeness. He motioned to his son, who now only stood a few inches shorter than his six-foot, two-inch frame.

"Ah, Sirius. You've gotten so much taller since the last time we met," the man greeted him warmly, extending a hand to him.

"Yes, I've grown quite a bit this summer. Thank you for your generous offer, Mr. Greengrass," Sirius said smoothly, taking the proffered hand and shaking with the man, his grip firm.

"Please, have a seat. We are almost ready to leave." He motioned to a white, sueded couch and then settled into one of the two tall-backed light grey, leather chairs situated across from it. "Evie is thrilled to have you coming along. She was terribly bored last year. There was no one her age at any of the nearby villas."

Orion remained standing as his son took a seat. "I actually have business to attend to within the hour. So, I should be going. Please give my regards to Odela for me."

The man stood back up quickly and nodded. "Of course. We will take good care of Sirius for you."

"I'm sure you will," he said, tone polite but short, and then he turned away.

Sirius stared straight ahead, relief flooding him as the man walked out of the room.

* * *

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"It is. Thanks for asking me to come with you," Sirius said as he stood beside Evie on a white sand beach behind her family's villa. It was noon, and they had just arrived an hour before. He felt inexplicably happy as he looked out at the clear turquoise water and listened to the waves crashing against the shore. _Three weeks_.

"I'm just glad you accepted. Do you want to go in?" she asked coyly, looking up at him with an equally shy smile.

Sirius glanced down at his newly purchased black board shorts and fitted white t-shirt. He had never been in the ocean before, only lakes. He pulled off his shirt and tossed it on the lounge chair behind him to rest with their towels. "Sure."

He walked out into the water, the blonde girl by his side, and he felt a hand slide into his, intertwining their fingers. He glanced over at her questioningly.

"So I don't fall over," the blue-eyed witch explained nervously.

Sirius looked down at their hands unsurely. A wave of coolish-warm water rushed up softly around his legs and then slid back away, pulling some of the sand from under his feet with it, tickling his skin as the sun high above warmed his shoulders.

He looked back up at the blonde, who was wearing a genuine smile on her face and found himself smiling back at her.


	17. Chapter 17

Sirius stalked down the busy hallway of the Hogwarts Express and towards his and his friends' usual compartment. "Hurry it up, you _wretched_ house elf, I don't have all day," he snapped at the hated servant, who he was having move his luggage purely out of spite.

"Yes, _Master Sirius_ ," the elf growled sarcastically, glowering at the non-pureblooded wizards and witches as they passed, "Kreacher is here to serve."

Sirius's lip curled up on one side in distaste. "Yes, you are - at least until I take over. Then I'll have your head hung over the fireplace," he snarled. The wizard stopped, glancing in his car discreetly and confirming Remus's absence. He wasn't there yet. Only James. Good. He pushed open the door.

"Sirius, it's good to see you, mate!" James greeted him happily as he stepped in, the house elf following in behind him. The wild-haired wizard was sitting in dark jeans and a crimson-hued t-shirt, with the words 'What The Hell is a Hufflepuff?' written in bold across the chest in a golden calligraphy.

"Hullo James, still as ugly as ever, I see," Sirius said with a wide grin, happy to see his friend again, his anger ebbing. It had been _far_ too long.

"Wanker," James responded lightly, letting out a good-natured laugh and flipping his friend off.

"You wish," Sirius said with a wink and flopped down beside him, purposely ignoring the impatient elf, who was waiting dutifully, if not cheerfully, for further instruction from the wizard. _He can rot there for all I care_.

The elf grumbled something that sounded suspiciously offensive and then effortlessly levitated the wizard's trunk with a sharp flick of his knobby index finger, setting it down beside James's with a small thump. He turned to Sirius and sneered as he bowed in an exaggerated manner, "Anything _else_ , Master Sirius?"

Sirius dismissed him with a slight wave of his hand, without looking over as he spoke to James, "It's so hard to get good help these days."

The house elf glared daggers at his young master, clearly taking offense to the non-verbal shooing, or his words, or quite possibly both, before turning and leaving the car.

"He's an angry house elf, isn't he?" James asked in a conversational tone after the door had slammed shut. He leaned over, grabbing his familiar red bag from under the seat and then proceeded to fish out his growing collection of chocolate frog cards from a hidden compartment inside to look through. James had started to take a keen interest in the collectable cards at the end of last term.

Sirius nodded as he leaned back in the seat beside his best friend and tried to relax. He found his hatred toward the house elf growing with each trip home. He and Regulus'd had another confrontation just a few days back after Sirius's return from his trip with the Greengrass family. He had made another attempt to interact with his younger brother, hoping Regulus had finally come to the realization that the elf was full of rubbish. He hadn't.

"So, how was your summer?" James asked curiously as he began to make two piles in his lap, separating the duplicate cards out for trading purposes later.

"Hot," Sirius responded curtly, his mind immediately pulling up his time at home. He didn't want to think of it. It was all like a bad dream. He'd actually spent his last week at Twelve Grimmauld Place desperately trying to avoid his parents in the fear that they might try to 'give' him something else. Or _someone_ else. He swallowed hard, his stomach souring, and an angry guilt filled his chest as he tried not to think of his cousin. _We're fine now. It's all, it's all fine,_ he lied to himself as he fought to keep his breathing even and his face a calm mask, shoving the unwanted feelings back down where they belonged.

James glanced up at his friend and eyed him speculatively, a smile slowly forming. "Wait a minute. You went to Italy with Evie, didn't you?"

Sirius turned to him to respond when the door pushed open and Remus walked in, Peter following behind him.

"Remus! Peter!" James shouted excitedly, and Sirius let out a relieved breath, hoping the wizard would forget to pursue the question.

"Hello, James." Remus smiled warmly as he used his wand to cast a quick _leviosa,_ sending his and then Peter's trunk up onto the shelf without the blond asking. He glanced over to Sirius and grinned.

Sirius returned the quiet greeting, all coherent thought abandoning him as he watched Remus sit down across from him. His friend had grown a couple inches, his usually short hair slightly longer, looking like it could get mussed if he were to run his hands through it, and the sandy-colored locks hung around his hazel eyes in a way that made Sirius's brain turn to mush.

"Hey guys," Peter said amiably, taking the seat across from James as the train began to pull away from the Platform Nine and Three Quarters, the wizard looking like he hadn't grown much but had put on a few more pounds.

"You two are just in time to hear the news," James said in an eager voice, glancing over to his distracted friend mischievously before continuing, "Sirius went to Italy with Evie Greengrass." He smiled widely at the two new occupants, wiggling dark eyebrows in an insinuating manner.

Sirius shot a glare at his best friend. "I never said that," he snapped, resisting the urge to glance back over at Remus. Stupid James. He'd hoped to hold off on telling Remus about his summer - maybe tell him in private. He didn't know why exactly, but he felt terribly uncomfortable every time he thought of him finding out.

James let out a loud laugh. "You didn't have to, mate. _I can tell_ ," he said rather smugly.

"And how's that?" Sirius asked shortly, growing more irritated.

"Easy. _You_... have a tan." James let out a victorious laugh when Sirius merely shrugged at his reasoning. "And here I was under the impression that you were half-vampire or something, what with your pale skin."

"Shut up, James." Sirius punched him in the shoulder hard.

"Oi! What was that for?" James cried, rubbing his shoulder and glowering at the wizard.

"For being a git." Sirius glanced back over to his two other friends. He found his gaze suddenly trapped by quiet hazel eyes. He forced a smile. "Hey, Remus."

"Sirius," Remus responded genially, and then he shot Sirius an unsure smile when the dark-haired wizard didn't say anything further but continued to stare at him.

Sirius scrambled for something more to say to his friend. ' _Did you do something different with your hair? Can I touch it?' No. No. No... 'You look really nice, Remus. Not that you don't usually, but you look even better now.' Agh. 'I haven't seen you in a while. Do you want to kiss?' Shit.. Maybe-_

"So go on, tell us. You snogged her, didn't you?" James said excitedly, interrupting the wizard's musings, "There's no way you spent three weeks with her without kissing. So spill."

Remus looked away and out the window at the words, a slightly uncomfortable look settling on his features.

Sirius turned his head slowly towards his madly grinning friend and felt the distinct urge to hit him again, but perhaps in the face. "That's really none of your business," he said sharply.

"What do you mean? You can't _not_ tell me! I'm your _best mate_!" James complained.

Sirius's gaze flicked back over to a quiet Remus before responding coolly, "That's debatable." He saw a small smile curl up the werewolf's lips as he continued to look out on the changing scenery.

"Aw, you're no fun," James said loudly as he stood up. "Remus, switch me seats, yeah? I want to trade cards with Peter."

"All right," Remus said, standing up and then moving over beside Sirius, leaving over a foot of space between them.

"Hello there," Sirius said, and he grinned and scooted closer, leaving only half the space that had been there, his feet itching to narrow it even further as he eyed the wizard.

Remus returned the expression somewhat hesitantly, shooting a glance over to Peter and James before turning back. "How was your summer?"

"Boring," Sirius said lazily with a smile playing on his lips, feeling content with the sandy blond by his side. "Yours?"

"It was all right," Remus paused before saying, "So, you went to Italy then?"

Sirius's chest constricted. He leaned his head back against the seat as he looked into hazel eyes. "Yeah. My parents didn't give me much of a choice," he said, his words coming out apologetic despite his best efforts.

"Did you have fun?" Remus asked, seemingly not noticing the tone.

He had. A lot. He and Evie had spent almost every day swimming and when they weren't swimming they were lounging on the beach, eating or sleeping. Her parents were actually rather nice wizards and had been very kind to him the entire visit. It'd been much better than his time at home. "It wasn't awful," he hedged. He scooted closer, their legs almost touching. "I missed you this summer," he added quietly, meeting his friend's hazel gaze.

Remus's eyebrows rose subtly. "You did?"

Sirius nodded slightly. "Yeah..." He smiled cheekily, dark brows lifting in an expectant manner. "Did you miss me any?"

"No - actually I didn't. Not at all." Remus dead-panned before quirking a smile.

Sirius let out a soft laugh as his chest filled with warmth. He scooted even closer, the side of his leg finally pressing against Remus's and sending a tingling sensation up through his body. He spoke in almost a whisper. "Remus, listen, I-"

" _Oi_ , what are you two whispering about over there?" James asked suspiciously, interrupting their conversation. "Are you telling Remus about you and Evie?"

Remus's leg shifted away.

Sirius's jaw clenched. "James—I told you—just _leave_ it," he growled out, irritation building quickly.

"I bet that means he didn't," Peter said with a nervous grin, "Maybe she turned him down."

Sirius's head jerked towards the smallest boy, anger flaring to life. " _Shut it_ Peter, or I'll do it _for you_." He moved to stand up when the wizard didn't apologize.

Remus grabbed his arm, pulling him back down and holding him in place. "Sirius, calm down, he was just joking."

Sirius breathed in slowly and then let out a deep breath as he leaned back in the chair, glaring at the blond but not fighting the werewolf's grip.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Peter squeaked out quickly when Remus's hand left Sirius's arm, his eyes darting to the door like he wanted to bolt.

"Yeah, you are, you _spineless_ prat," Sirius sneered at him.

James frowned. "Hey now, Peter said he was sorry, Sirius. He was just having a bit of fun with you. You know that." He shot his friend a level look.

Sirius shrugged and looked out the window. Dark eyebrows drew together as the wizard began to scan the horizon, his thoughts stressing him. He knew his friends, including Remus, would figure out something had happened between him and the witch once they got back to school. He shifted uncomfortably. He just wasn't sure what he should do about it.

"So, uh, who wants something from the trolley, then?" James asked, trying to lighten the mood. He stood up, Remus and Peter joining him.

"Sirius, are you coming, mate?"

The wizard glanced up at his best friend, who was looking down at him expectantly. "No, I'm good," he said quietly, and he turned his gaze back to the window, ignoring the glances his friends were shooting him as they filed out of the compartment.

* * *

"Can you see anything?" The words were whispered.

"No, and stop breathing down my neck," Sirius whispered back tersely. He crawled along the back of the red sofa he and James were hiding behind, leaving his friend's side to peek around the corner. He pushed up on his knees and peered down over the armrest, a smile crawling up the corners of his lips as his gaze settled on their target. He lowered back down slowly and crawled back over to the messy-haired wizard.

"Well?" James asked in a hushed tone, his eyes wide with excitement.

"She's asleep," he said matter-of-factly.

"What was she _thinking_?" James asked, his whispered words brimming with an uncontainable glee.

"I don't know." Sirius shook his head in wildly amused disbelief. "It's almost like she _wanted_ us to prank her."

The two wizards burst into quiet laughter, covering their mouths as they struggled to stop. James's hand settled on Sirius's still shaking chest, his gaze growing determined. "Let's do this."

Sirius collected himself, let out a breath and nodded once. He pulled out his wand and began to crawl back over to the armrest as he held his wand in his right hand, James following him. He stopped and looked back to James. "You'll need to do her face since you're better at this, and I'll help with the rest."

James nodded quickly, and then the wizard stood up cautiously, his gaze scanning the dark Gryffindor common room. It was well past midnight on their first night back, and it was completely empty. He motioned Sirius to stand before pointing his wand down and at the sleeping red-headed witch. He began to whisper a complicated but familiar spell.

The witch's ears slowly began to grow and then change shape, becoming more pointy as fur began to grow on them. He let out a deep breath, a concentrated look on his face as he moved his wand to her nose and then mouth, slowly transfiguring all of the witch's facial features.

"She needs more whiskers," Sirius whispered helpfully as he stood, watching his friend's impressive wandwork.

James tilted his head to the side. "Yeah, I think you're right," he said, lifting his wand again and adding more whiskers to the witch's altered face and then, "What do you think?

"It's fucking brilliant."

James bit on his tongue as he grinned, nodding in complete agreement. "All right, you can start now."

Sirius nodded and raised his own wand as James took a break. "We'll do the reduction charm last," he said as he began to work happily, his eyes dancing with amusement.

* * *

"Aghhhh! She _bit_ me!"

"Haha- _Ow_! Owowow! Bad! _Bad Evans_!"

Thundering footsteps followed the yells, and the door to the Gryffindor boys' third-year dorm swung open suddenly, slamming against the wall behind it loudly.

"What is going on?" Remus asked, his curtains pulled apart to see James and Sirius sprint wildly into the room.

"Save me, Remus!" Sirius jumped onto the werewolf's bed, landing on top of him and knocking him flat against the bed.

" _Sirius_!" Remus shoved the wizard off him and onto the space beside him, sitting back up.

"Ahhhh! She's going to stab me with her little claws! _Why_ did we give her claws?" James somehow climbed up one of the posts to his four poster, whimpering as he tried to keep from sliding back down.

"Guys, what in-" Remus stopped suddenly when a medium-sized cat jumped onto his bed, a loud growling noise coming from its chest as it flicked its tail back and forth aggressively. It hissed loudly, its sharp teeth bared as it began to stalk towards a terrified Sirius.

Sirius scrambled behind Remus, smashing himself between the wizard's back and the wall. "You wouldn't hurt Remus now, would you?"

Remus frowned when the cat stopped at the question and glanced up at him. It took a step towards him and let out a mournful-sounding meow and then looked at him expectantly, waiting. The werewolf furrowed his eyebrows and leaned closer, studying the odd ginger-colored cat. It had a long, plush, shiny coat, the color almost a deep red. " _No_." Remus looked up, his gaze locking with the feline's intelligent, bright green eyes.

"Lily?"

The cat meowed sadly in response.

* * *

"Hi, Sirius."

Sirius looked up from his half-empty plate to see the blonde witch, who he'd been avoiding, standing in front of him. It was the first weekend of school, and he had managed to evade the girl until just then as he sat in the Great Hall with only James and Peter, it being the first full moon of the year.

"Evie, fancy seeing you here." He grinned widely at the witch, trying to act like he hadn't just run from her calls the day before after Potions class.

She returned the smile with a small, shy one and looked down at the empty seat where Remus usually sat. "Can I join you?"

Sirius's smile dropped. She wanted to sit with them?

"Sure, Remus isn't here," James spoke up, elbowing his friend sharply and shooting him a dark look when he sat quiet for too long.

"Thanks," she said softly, sitting down across from the silent wizard and beside a gobsmacked Peter, the short blond looking like he was frozen in place.

Sirius glared at James as he rubbed his side.

"So, how've you been?"

Sirius glanced back at her. "Oh, uh. Good. You?" he said as his hand dropped to his lap, trying to shake the uncomfortable feeling of having the witch sitting in Remus's seat. _It's just a chair. And he can't even sit in it right now anyway-_

"Sirius?"

The wizard focused on the blonde seated across from him to find an expectant look on her face.

He tilted his head to the side, studying her expression as if he could deduce her already spoken words somehow if he searched long enough.

"So, do you?" she asked, her voice growing noticeably nervous as she began to fidget with a lock of her long hair.

"Do I what?" he asked, staring at her blankly.

She bit her lip. "I said - my birthday's tomorrow, and my parents are coming to take me to Hogsmeade, and they said you could come along. Would you like to?" She looked at him, waiting for his answer.

Sirius made an indecisive humming noise as he tried to figure out a way to get out of her offer while still being polite. Nothing came to mind. "No."

James choked on his pumpkin juice, spraying half the contents of his mouth onto his food as the rest stubbornly tried to drown him.

"I'm sorry?" she asked, her face dropping.

Sirius groaned internally and forced a grin. "I'm just pulling your leg, Evie. Sure. It sounds nice," he said, holding back the grimace that wanted nothing more than to distort his features and out him for the liar he was.

The witch let out a surprised laugh, and her smile quickly returned although it was more hesitant. She stood up, smoothing down her skirt. "Great. My parents said they'd work it out with yours and the school. So, I'll see you at noon at the front door, then?"

"Sure, sounds lovely," he said somewhat flatly, causing the witch's smile to falter again before she nodded and walked off. He watched her leave as he thought about what he had agreed to. He'd be gone when Remus got back that was for sure. He cringed at the thought of James telling the werewolf where he was.

"What was that about?" James asked in a disturbed voice once the girl was out of hearing distance.

Sirius shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly and stood up. "I think I'm going to run over and check on Remus," he said in a private voice so none of their housemates would overhear.

"All right. See ya." James grabbed Sirius's plate, switching it with his ruined one.

Sirius mumbled a goodbye and walked off quickly, his mind racing as he tried to figure out what he was going to say to his hazel-eyed friend.

* * *

"Hey Sirius," Remus said in a tired but happy voice as the tall wizard approached the bed he was sitting up in at the back of the hospital. He set down his Transfiguration book he had been reading on the crisp white sheets in front him. "What're you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, Peter wanted some alone time with James," he said cheekily, grinning when Remus laughed. He pulled one of the two chairs that edged white curtained-walls closer to the hospital bed. "Feeling all right?" he asked as he sat down, resting on its edge.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, I've been better though," he said wearily.

Sirius glanced down at his hands, nodding slightly. Maybe it wasn't the best time. No. No, he needed to just get it over with. A frustrated noise rumbled in his chest before he forced out, "Remus - I should probably tell you something."

"Oh...? Well, what is it?" the werewolf asked in a somewhat cautious voice.

Sirius took in a deep breath and then mumbled under his breath, "EvieandIsnogged."

" _What_?"

Sirius looked up at the question that hadn't really sounded like a question at all. Remus was looking at him with an intent expression.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a resigned breath. "Remus—Evie and I—we kissed," he said more slowly, wishing it wasn't true. He hadn't even wanted to, not after what had happened with his cousin. In fact, he had tried his best the whole three weeks to keep his lips far away from the pretty blonde's, and he had almost succeeded. He didn't even know how it had happened. It was the last night of their trip, and they had gotten into some of the firewhiskey and - okay, maybe he _did_ know how it had happened.

Remus nodded slowly. "That's what I thought you said. Ah, well," he paused, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Good for you," he said hesitantly.

Sirius scooted his chair closer, the noise of its feet scraping across the stone floor filling the space harshly. "Is that okay?"

Remus shot him a confused look. "I'm sorry?"

Sirius glanced out opened curtains to check that they were alone. "I mean—does that bother you?"

Remus frowned. "Sirius, I - why would it bother me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Because of... _you know_ ," he said, motioning between himself and his friend with his hand as he nodded, black brows raised in an insinuating manner.

Remus's eyes widened, and then he looked down quickly, hiding his face partially from the wizard's view. "Sirius. You can kiss whomever you want... I don't care."

Sirius frowned, letting out a huff of irritation. What did _that_ mean? "You don't _care_?"

Remus shook his head and then glanced back up, an unreadable look toying with his expression. "No. It's none of my business."

Sirius blinked. "But," he paused, studying the tense sandy blond. "You kind of _seem_ bothered by it."

Remus ran an agitated hand through his hair. He let out a forced sounding laugh. "Yeah, well - she _is_ a Slytherin."

Sirius grinned despite himself. "I never took you for a House snob, Lupin."

Remus shrugged his shoulders, his smile wavering somewhat. "We all have our faults, I suppose," he said quietly. He looked up at the wizard, hazel eyes suddenly soft. "So, you like her then?"

Sirius leaned back to rest against the hard seat, crossing his arms, too many emotions warring for his attention to make sense of them. "I wouldn't say _that_."

Remus lifted one eyebrow. "Then why did you... kiss her?"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, rubbing it back and forth over his head as he thought. "I'm not sure, honestly. I suppose - mostly just because she's pretty."

"I see." Remus pressed his lips together, an unhappy look crossing his features for only a second before disappearing. He picked up the book in front of him, closing it and setting it on the nearby wooden nightstand, before settling down on his bed. "You know, Sirius, I'm actually pretty tired," he said abruptly, "thanks for visiting."

Sirius stood up begrudgingly at the obvious dismissal. "Yeah, okay." He turned to leave, but stopped before he had taken a step and swung back around. "Are you _sure_ you're not upset with me, Remus?"

The sandy blond rolled onto his side, his back facing his friend. "I'm sure. I just need to rest before tonight."

Sirius nodded at the werewolf's back. "Yeah, all right, I'll see you tomorrow then," he said and turned to leave again. He walked away, not sure if he actually felt any better.


	18. Chapter 18

"Thank you so much again for the present, Sirius," Evie said, her voice filled with excitement as she walked alongside the dark-haired wizard towards the Gryffindor common room. She was holding her wrist up, eyeing a platinum bracelet with filigree designs intricately woven around dark green emeralds. "I _love_ it. I've never owned such a beautiful piece of jewelry before," she said, running her fingers lovingly over the bracelet.

"You only turn fifteen once, right?" Sirius said, offhandedly, hands shoved in his pockets, black locks hanging down to obscure grey eyes as they studied the stone floor below. The wizard was dressed in a pair of grey slacks and black button down, the top button undone, having forgone a tie for his outing with the witch and her parents. He'd received a letter that morning from his parents telling him to present the witch with a gift while they were in Hogsmeade and that they had several acceptable pieces set aside at Burke's, a small upscale jewelry shop, for her to choose from. He'd just been happy that she hadn't taken long to choose.

"You're a really nice guy, Sirius," she said softly, reaching out and touching his arm as she came to a halt.

Sirius held back a frown as he stopped too and glanced over at the blonde. She was gazing up at him with what might be described as an expectant look. "You're nice too, Evie," he said, hesitantly, pulling his arm away gently under the guise of smoothing down his hair. He felt the sudden urge to run for the portrait that was only a few yards away. He could probably make it if he really made a go for it.

The witch took a step closer, drawing his attention back to her. "I like you, Sirius," she said, looking up at him with big blue eyes, "I, you're really funny, and smart and-and a good person."

Sirius froze at the last part. His mind stuttered. She thought he was a good person? He swallowed hard, taking a step back to lean against the empty space of wall behind him.

The witch followed the movement, and surprised the wizard when she pushed up on her toes and pressed her lips gently against his for a moment before pulling back. "A thank you," she explained in a soft voice.

Sirius nodded slightly, his gaze shifting back down to the witch's mouth as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. He slipped his arms around her slender waist and tugged her closer. He slid his feet forward, lowering his height a few inches for the girl as he leaned against the wall. He grinned impishly at her. "You can thank me again if you'd like, Evie."

She smiled shyly and leaned forward.

* * *

"Hey guys," Sirius said, greeting James and Peter as he walked into the dorm, noting Remus's absence.

"Hey, Sirius," James responded, not looking up as he studied a chess board sitting between him and Peter. The two boys were sitting on the floor playing a game of Wizard's Chess. "Pete, you might as well just go. I'm going to take it, you know it," he said, taunting the small blond across from him.

"Maybe we should play something else," the boy suggested as he looked down at his dwindling intact pieces glumly.

"Don't be a poor sport. I'll tell you what, I won't take it my next move," James offered graciously. He let out a loud laugh when the boy pushed an even better piece into harm's way unintentionally.

Sirius walked over to his trunk to pull out a pair of pajama pants, tossed them on top his bed, and then began to unbutton his shirt. "Where's Remus? Studying?"

James looked up, his face curled in a grimace. "Oh, he had to stay in the hospital another night."

"Yeah, Madam Pomfrey said he was too bad to leave," Peter added with a concerned look on his face.

Sirius's hands stilled in their work. "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice sounding oddly distant. "What happened?"

James set the piece back down he was about to use to smash Peter's with. "Bad transformation he said. _Really_ bad by the looks of it."

Sirius stood stock still for a second, and then turned abruptly and began to make his way back towards the door he had just walked through.

"Sirius, where're you going?" The shouted words trailed after the wizard as he ran down the steps, not responding.

He slipped through the portrait and out of the common room, ignoring the portrait of the fat lady as she yelled after him about the late time.

* * *

Sirius quietly approached the last set of curtains, where he assumed his friend must be, all other beds in the hospital wing empty. He reached a hand up to pull back white drapes.

"And just what do you think you're doing here, Mr. Black?"

Sirius cursed mentally before turning slowly on his heel and shooting the mediwitch his sweetest smile. "Madam Pomfrey, I'm sorry. I know it's late, but I just got back to the school, and-"

The older witch held up her hand, stopping the boy. "You can stay for thirty minutes," she said.

Sirius nodded quickly. "Thank you, ma'am."

"Yes, well—just behave yourself," she said with an arched look and then walked off briskly and towards her office, low heels clicking lightly as she made her way to the other side of the room.

Sirius waited until she had shut the door, and then he turned back around and pulled the curtain open the slightest bit, doing his best to keep sliding rings from making any noise. He peered in the darkened space before stepping between the barely parted shades, trying to keep the light out as much as he could.

"Sirius?"

The wizard started, turning around to see Remus sitting up slowly.

"Hey, Remus. Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, it's fine," he said groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, "What're you doing here?"

"Heard you weren't feeling well," he said by way of explanation as his vision began to adjust to the darker space. He scanned the wizard's torso and arms that were covered largely in bandages. "Rough transformation?" he asked, his voice tight.

Remus looked down at his hands, studying them palm up, his fingers splayed. "Yeah," he answered in a dull voice.

Sirius nodded. "What happened?" he asked, making his way over to the wizard's bedside.

Remus looked up at him to answer, but then his mouth snapped shut, and his eyes pinched as his gaze began to grow more intense.

"Remus?" Sirius asked curiously, the werewolf looking at him in a way that made his breath want to catch in his throat.

Remus looked back down quickly and shook his head. He let out a clipped laugh. "Ah, you, uh, you have some lipstick on your face," he said, tone wry.

"What? _Oh_." Sirius's tongue flicked out, and he tasted the witch's strawberry-flavored lipstick. He reached up a hand and quickly tried to rub off any remaining evidence around his lips. "Thanks. I spent the day with Evie and her parents, it's her birthday," he explained sheepishly.

"Did you have a nice time?" the werewolf asked in an even voice.

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and chewed on the inside of his lower lip. "It wasn't too bad, I suppose," he said quietly as he watched Remus lay back down on the bed carefully, grimacing as he did.

"You just get back?" Remus asked, his voice strained as he adjusted himself on the bed.

"Yeah." The dark-haired wizard eyed the space beside his friend. "Mind if I join you?"

Remus shook his head.

Sirius toed off his shoes and climbed onto the bed, his head settling on the edge of the werewolf's pillow as he lay on his side.

He scooted a little closer, moving away from the bed's edge, and he breathed in deeply. Grey eyes fell shut, the wizard's body relaxing as he enjoyed his friend's close company. "It's always nice to be back here," he said, and then, "Hogwarts, not the hospital."

Remus huffed an amused breath and then spoke up after a moment's pause, his words almost sounding careful in their delivery. "You don't enjoy your breaks?"

"I just, I don't know... summers are-" He stopped as his mind began to rebel and drift from safe territory. He breathed in deeply, centering his train of thought. "I just. I know I used to be home all the time before school, but it feels like it's getting more... Like it's _harder_. You know?"

Remus nodded slightly. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel the same way sometimes."

Sirius opened his eyes, meeting his friend's gaze as they shared the small bed. "And, of course," he paused, holding back a smile. "There's no one there who will share their bed with me."

Remus shook his head, smiling begrudgingly. "The horrors."

Sirius grinned as he closed his eyes again. He wondered if Madam Pomfrey would notice if he stayed.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, Remus?" the wizard murmured as his muscles began to relax into the surprisingly comfortable mattress.

"Can I - can I ask you something personal?" Remus said, his tone apprehensive.

"Shoot," he said, sliding under the covers, deciding the mediwitch probably wouldn't say anything even if she did, because she wouldn't want to wake Remus.

"Why'd you kiss me last year?"

Sirius's eyes opened. "What?"

Remus cleared his throat. "I mean, why'd you _want_ to?"

Sirius swallowed hard. He thought for a moment, trying to put his reasoning into words. "I guess, because I like you. You're my friend."

"Because I'm _your friend_?" Remus asked, as if he had possibly misheard the wizard.

Sirius nodded against the pillow. "Yeah." He glanced over at the sandy blond to gauge his response.

"I _suppose_ that's an okay reason to kiss someone," Remus said slowly, sounding as if he didn't actually believe his own words.

Sirius grinned, shifting closer, careful not to touch the heavily bandaged werewolf. "Yeah, but don't tell James or Peter that, because I'm not about to snog either of them."

Remus laughed quietly, groaning when the action jostled his aching body. "Oh, I really shouldn't laugh," he said in a pained voice.

"Sorry," Sirius said. He eyed the bandages again that covered a surprising amount of his friend's body, worry taking over. His gaze settled on a fresh cut that wasn't covered for some reason that ran from the middle of his left shoulder up onto the side of his neck a couple inches. It would be hard to hide. "So, why was this one worse do you think?"

Remus took in a slow breath and then flinched and scrunched up his nose in distaste, angling his face away from him.

"Do I smell, Remus?" Sirius asked in an amused voice, pulling up his collar and sniffing at it experimentally, not noticing anything different.

The werewolf jerked his head back to the side to look at the wizard. "No. No-no, not at all. I just, uh - my sense of smell is off I think from the other night is all," he said rather quickly.

Sirius studied him for a moment. "All right... So, what was different?" he asked again.

Remus shifted his attention to the ceiling. "It's complicated."

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he thought about the books he had read. "Is it because of your age?" he blurted.

Remus looked over at him in surprise. "I'm sorry?"

"I mean, because you're," Sirius paused, struggling for the right words. He didn't think 'hormonally charged' would be received well. "Because you're...ah - wanting _things_?" he tried.

Remus's eyes widened, but he didn't respond.

"You know. Having _urges_ ," he hedged, raising dark eyebrows in a meaningful fashion. Nothing. "Like, you see this fit bird—or bloke—and you just want to-"

"Sirius," Remus said, cutting off his friend quickly. "I _know_ what you're talking about. Please, don't finish that," he paused for a moment and then added in a more hesitant voice, "Yeah - basically."

Sirius frowned. "Well, is it going to get better?" he asked.

Remus glanced at him and then looked back up at the ceiling quickly. "I doubt it. It'll probably just get worse," he said, his voice filled with some emotion Sirius couldn't place.

The dark-haired wizard lay quietly, thinking. He couldn't imagine it getting any worse. "I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus turned and looked at his friend. "Thanks for coming to see me tonight," he hesitated before adding, "It-it helped."

Sirius quirked a lopsided smile, a warmth filling his chest. "Anytime, Remus."

* * *

"I'm bored," James said.

"Yeah, we should do something," Sirius said from beside him. The two wizards were lying at the foot of Remus's bed on the first Friday night in October, their heads hanging upside down over the edge.

" _Remus_ ," James groaned his friend's name, trying to get his attention.

The werewolf turned the page to his Potions book in response as he sat up by his pillow.

" _Remus_ ," Sirius chimed in, mimicking James's whiny tone, when there was no response.

The werewolf picked up his quill and wrote something on a sheet of parchment by his side and then set it back on his nightstand.

"Oi, Lupin," James tried.

"Re-em-us," Sirius sang in a low pitch.

"Lu-up-in," James tacked on quickly in a high pitch to finish his name.

The two wizards began to giggle.

"I think all the blood rushing to your heads is making you two even more obnoxious than usual," Remus finally spoke up, his tone dry as he nonchalantly flipped the page of his book.

"Aw, what's wrong, Wolfster?" Sirius asked, teasingly, "Is it that time of the month again?"

"Sod off."

James snorted. "Wolfster, I like that," he said, nodding approvingly, his hair swaying back and forth and glasses trying to lift off his nose. "It can be Remus's nickname for when he's being all spicy."

Sirius grinned widely at his fellow upside-down friend. "Spicy, indeed. A little too obvious though, don't you think? We couldn't use it in mixed company."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"I suppose not." James began to make popping noises with his lips as he thought. "What about. The Moonster?"

Sirius laughed loudly. "Oh, that's good. Or...Moonsy," he offered.

James guffawed at the suggestion. "A tad girly. Remus might not appreciate it."

Sirius hummed his assent. "True. True. Then... What about Moony?"

James turned his head and met Sirius's gaze. They stared at each other with matching blank expressions as the suggestion swirled in the space between them, slowly picking up momentum as both their lips began to twitch in a suspicious fashion.

Remus looked up in alarm at the pregnant silence. "No. No, you guys _cannot_ call me that."

James grinned slyly at Sirius. "Can't call you what - _Moony_?"

" _James_ ," Remus growled.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Oh, oh, it's perfect!" he exclaimed happily.

"Guys. _No_. Absolutely not."

Sirius pushed himself up, grinning widely at the sandy blond, who responded by flipping him off. He let out a surprised laugh and then winked at the boy before standing up. "Come on, James. Let's go see if we can't find Pete. I think _Moony_ here needs his quiet time."

"Sirius. Stop it." The werewolf glared darkly at the wizard.

"Yeah." James got up and joined the other boy. "Moony deserves silence while he studies. Look at him with all his books and papers," he said in an affectionate voice.

Sirius tilted his head to the side as he gazed at the glowering boy, his expression one of a proud parent. "He looks so studious. Our little Moony is such a hard worker."

James nodded as he pretended to wipe away a rogue tear.

"I hate you two," Remus said harshly.

James and Sirius sniggered as they walked towards the door. "Bye, Moony!" Two voices called out in unison, the door pulling shut quickly when a shoe flew through the air.

"I _won't_ bloody answer to it!" The defiant words were met with muffled peals of laughter as the two boys ran down the steps.

"So, you wanted to look for Peter?" James asked as he and Sirius strolled through the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius glanced around the room, not seeing the boy. "Not really. Want to go outside?" he asked lazily as he made his way to the portrait.

"It's almost curfew," the messy-haired wizard pointed out. Sirius continued to look at him for an answer, his expression unchanging. James shrugged his shoulders. "Sure."

The two wizards walked out of the room and made their way along the abandoned corridors.

* * *

"So, do you want to try out our beard potion on Evans at breakfast tomorrow?" Sirius asked as he peered around a corner before turning it.

"Ah, actually... I was thinking maybe we should take it easy on Evans for a while," James said in an overly nonchalant manner.

Sirius grinned. " _Oh yeah_?" he asked, his voice heavy with insinuation as he wiggled his eyebrows at his friend.

"Don't say it like _that_." James shoved his friend, an embarrassed look crossing his face. "I just think maybe we should spread out our pranks a little, that's all."

" _Oh yeah_?" Sirius asked again, his tone the same.

"Git." James kicked him in the leg. Sirius moved to retaliate-

"-Albus, something _must_ be done." The words carried around the corner.

"McGonagall," James whispered.

The two boys shot each other terrified looks and then took off, shoving each other as they scrambled to get behind a nearby marble statue of a lion.

"Shit," Sirius whispered as he almost fell over when he tried to lean up against the wall and instead found himself stumbling backwards into a small dark room about four-by-four feet in dimension that hadn't been visible from the outside.

"Sirius? Oh, there you are," James whispered as he entered the space.

The two boys looked back out towards the hall at a transparent wall of glimmering magic at the edge of the room.

"What is it?" Sirius asked in a hushed tone.

"I saw this in a book Remus showed me over summer break. It's a one-way peering enchantment," James whispered as he studied the glimmering screen. "You can't see through it from the other side."

Sirius nodded appreciatively as they waited for the two professors to pass.

"Minerva, there is nothing to be done unfortunately. It is out of my hands," the old wizard said as he stopped right in front of the statue.

The older witch glanced around before speaking in hushed voice. "Albus, he almost died the last full moon, there _has_ to be something more we can do."

Sirius's eyes widened. _Remus_.

"Poppy was there, and she will be there next time. We are doing everything in our power," he said in a reassuring voice.

"Not _everything_. We could request for an animagus to be put with him. It would help keep him from hurting himself."

The headmaster sighed. "I'm afraid that is not an option. As you know, the Ministry is not aware he is attending."

"Well, what about me? Albus, I could-"

"No Minerva," he said firmly. "You know that he wouldn't take well to a cat. He needs an animal that he can interact with naturally for it to stand a chance."

"He's just so young. There _has_ to be something."

The headmaster turned towards the space where the two young wizards were hiding with matching looks of horror, piercing blue eyes studying the marble lion statue in front of them. "He has friends. You know how much that helps one with his affliction."

The witch nodded, finally appearing to relent. "I just wish there was something more we could do to help."

Dumbledore's gaze shifted and landed directly on Sirius. The young wizard had the odd sensation that the headmaster could see him through the wall. "Perhaps someone else will be able to do what we cannot," he said simply and turned away abruptly. "Come, Minerva. I have some new tea I've been meaning for you to try, it's lemondrop flavored."

Sirius and James stood in silence long after the two professors had walked away.


	19. Chapter 19

"James, come on, you _have_ to help me."

"I don't know, Sirius. We could get in huge trouble," James said in a torn voice as he walked beside his best friend, his step agitated as they continued on their way outside.

After the headmaster and their Transfiguration professor had left, and the heavy silence between them had finally lifted, Sirius had immediately announced that they would become illegal animagi. James had then quickly countered with a concern for his sanity.

"Yeah, well we just won't get caught then," Sirius insisted in a hushed voice as he pushed open the door that led to the Quidditch pitch quietly.

They walked outside, the stars shining brightly in the clear night sky. James ran his hands through his wild hair as he thought. Sirius began to pace in a circle.

"You heard McGonagall. It must be really bad if she's worried," Sirius persisted. He glared up at the almost full moon, anxiety rushing through his chest. _What if the next transformation is even worse?_ He'd never even considered the possibility of his friend dying because of his monthly affliction.

"Sirius, becoming an animagus, it's illegal for a reason. It's _really_ dangerous if you mess it up," James said quietly, his expression one of intense speculation.

Sirius's gaze jerked back to James. "Yeah? So, you're too scared then, is that it?" he asked with a sneer, suddenly furious at his friend, "You're okay to break the rules or do something dangerous for a laugh but not for our friend when he needs our help?"

"Sirius - no - you _know_ that's not true." James sighed and looked around the moonlit grounds. He growled in frustration. "All right, I'm in," he said finally, "let's do it. Let's become Animagi."

"Really?" Sirius asked, a smile quickly replacing his scowl as he walked over to his friend excitedly.

James shook his head and then laughed. "Yeah." He grabbed him around the shoulders. "Come on, let's go break into the broom shed before I come to my senses."

* * *

Sirius sat slouched back in his chair just a few days later in History of Magic. Professor Binns was at the front of the class, droning on about the Troll War of 1534.

The dark-haired wizard shifted in his seat uncomfortably, his right knee bouncing under the table. In a few hours it would be a full moon. The _first_ full moon since Remus had gotten badly hurt. He glanced over at the Slytherin sitting beside him. "Zabini, let's get out of here," he whispered.

The wizard started, having been in an almost comatose state and turned to the Gryffindor with a perplexed expression. "How do you propose we manage that?"

Sirius glanced around the room. The entire class was almost asleep, and their professor was staring at the chalkboard he was using as if it held his entire lecture on it. "He'll never even notice. What do you say?" He shot the wizard a gamely smile.

Greg let out a slow breath. "All right, but if we get caught, I'm blaming it on you."

Sirius's smile grew. "Fair enough. Let me do something first." He spoke up loudly. "Excuse me, Professor Binns?"

The old wizard turned slowly, his gaze settling on the wizard. "Yes, Mr. Black?"

Sirius smiled innocently, cocking his head to the side. "Could you explain to me how the Giant Battle of 1476 might have had an impact on the outcome of this war?" he asked, feigning interest.

"Well, uh. That's an excellent question, Mr. Black. Let me just, just write it down for you." He turned around erasing his entire board with a flick of his hand. "Now, uh, there was the Veela debacle in 1501 that is - no.. No...wait," he paused, erasing his notes again and then beginning anew. "I'd say the most definitive moment-"

Sirius grinned at the Slytherin, who was shaking his head in amusement. "Come on. Let's go," he whispered. He stood up, ignoring the glares he was receiving and patting James's head as he passed, quickly exiting the room with the Slytherin on his heels.

"All right. Now what?" Greg asked after quietly shutting the door to the room.

"Library, of course," Sirius said as he turned away. "We have to hurry though. Madam Pince always takes a mid-morning nap during classes, but it usually doesn't last more than an hour."

* * *

"Advanced Transfigurations? Some light reading for you?" Greg asked curiously, glancing at the newly acquired book in Sirius's hand as they made their way up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower.

"It's for James actually," Sirius responded evasively. "He's quite the Transfiguration prodigy." He and James were still trying to find more information on Animagi. It was unsurprisingly quite hard. He figured he might be able to find something at home in one of the libraries when he went there for Christmas break. _Home_. He shook the unpleasant thought from his mind, jogging up the last few steps and dropping the book on a bench as he passed, making his way to the balcony to look over the school grounds.

Greg walked over and joined him. "I saw you and Greengrass outside the common room on Saturday."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. He leaned over the concrete banister, resting on his forearms, and looked straight down, his heart speeding up as he quietly studied the ground more than fifty feet below, his breaths barely visible in the morning autumn air.

"I thought you didn't fancy her," the Slytherin said casually, glancing down at the ground too before looking back up quickly. He shook his head and took a small step back.

Sirius pushed up on his toes and leaned over farther, the pounding in his chest growing. "She's all right."

"Care to elaborate?"

He tilted forward, his chest resting on the stone railing as he hung his arms over the edge. "I enjoy kissing her."

"You're making me nervous," Greg said as he eyed his friend warily.

Sirius grinned and leaned over the railing further, his head dipping lower than his chest. He looked up at the wizard. "Afraid I'm going to fall are you?" he asked jokingly.

Greg studied him for a moment. "I haven't learned any cushioning or catching charms yet."

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Good to know." He looked back down, the blood rushing to his head, the feeling oddly comforting. He mused whether or not his accidental magic would save him if he just went for it and pushed over the edge completely. He scooted even farther until his chest was over the edge, and he rested on his stomach.

"Sirius, get up." The wizard's voice sounded strained.

"Sure thing, mum," he replied lightly as he remained hanging over the edge. He started to push over a little more, the majority of his weight shifting more forward.

A hand grabbed his arm suddenly and pulled him back and onto the floor safely behind the railing.

"Salazar's bollocks, what is _wrong_ with you?" Greg demanded, still holding onto the wizard's arm as if he were afraid what he might do if he let go.

Sirius let out another laugh. "I never knew you cared," he said teasingly, and he took a step closer to the wizard. "Is that why you've been asking me about Greengrass? Do you want me instead?" he asked as he shifted feet even closer, his gaze darkening as he locked on his.

"W-what? What are you talking about?" he asked nervously, his hand dropping from Sirius's arm, but he didn't move away from him as they stood almost touching.

Sirius grinned. "You're pretty fit, Greg. I wouldn't mind," he said and then pressed his lips against the wizard's without warning. He felt hands land on his chest as if to push him away - but then they slowly relaxed, sliding up onto his neck instead, the wizard's lips parting under his. He guided him back a few steps, pushing him against a wall as his mouth moved against his.

Sirius pulled lips back only to move them down to the wizard's neck, placing soft kisses on the skin, his hands running along his torso.

"Fuck Sirius, what're you doing?"

"Just having a bit of fun," he whispered before he began to suck on the wizard's neck just above his collar as his hands ran up under his black shirt.

The Slytherin gasped when the Gryffindor licked his ear. His own hands sliding down, and then they grabbed Sirius's hips, pulling him closer, a moan escaping both their lips seconds later.

"Sirius?"

The wizard's gaze jerked over to see Evie standing just a few feet away, her eyes wide as she looked between the two boys.

"Oh, Evie - uh, what brings you here?" Sirius asked in a nonchalant tone, his heavy breathing ruining the effect somewhat. He let his hands drop reluctantly.

The witch opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"I should go," Greg mumbled, pushing Sirius back a step to get around him and then leaving quickly without talking to the other Slytherin.

Sirius watched the wizard leave with regret and then turned and leaned his back against the wall where he'd just had the Slytherin pinned, his chin inclined as he took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he tried to calm his eager body down. "Are you upset?" he asked, his voice sounding numb despite trying to make it seem apologetic.

"No, I just came to give you this. Your friends said you might be here." She held out a folded piece of parchment.

Sirius took it, looking at his name written on the front before glancing back up at her.

The witch shot him a forced-looking smile. "I'll see you on Saturday, right?" she asked, the tension in her voice only barely noticeable.

Sirius nodded slowly.

"Good, see you then," she said and quickly walked off, not waiting for a response from the wizard.

* * *

"What happened with you and Evie?" James asked as he dropped down on the sofa beside his friend in the Gryffindor common room. "She hasn't been coming around."

Sirius leaned his head back on the red sofa and yawned. He hadn't slept well the night before. Remus had stayed an extra night in the hospital again, but Madam Pomfrey had made sure Sirius didn't stay like the last time. He had found it almost impossible to sleep without the werewolf in the dorm, knowing he was hurt.

"I'm not sure," Sirius said tiredly, grey eyes disappearing behind heavy lids, "maybe it's because she saw me snogging Zabini the other day."

James sat quietly for a long moment. " _Greg_ Zabini?" The wizard's name coming out slowly, tinged with complete disbelief.

Sirius nodded and scrubbed at his hair absentmindedly as he settled more deeply into the oversized cushions, the wizard idly wishing the fireplace was lit so it was a little warmer. He pulled at the knot of his tie, loosing it some. "Yeah, I think she's a little sore about it."

James glanced around the room before settling back on his friend. "You kissed - a bloke?" he asked carefully.

Sirius grinned slowly as the memory pushed to the forefront of his mind. His eyes opened, and he looked over at the wizard, his head still resting on the sofa. "Snogged," he corrected cheekily. "And yeah, he's pretty fit, don't you think?"

James blinked. "You snogged - a bloke?"

The taller wizard let out a laugh. "Yes. Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Huh." James glanced over at his friend, a suspicious look overtaking his features. "You're attracted to... wizards?" he asked in a cautious tone.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm attracted to anyone who's good-looking enough, mate," he said casually.

James made a choking noise. "Does - does that mean you want to snog me then?"

Sirius started laughing. "Don't be thick, James," he said, punching his friend in the arm and then standing up. He shook his head in amusement as he began to walk off. He was going to see if Remus was upstairs. Maybe he'd take a nap with him.

"Hey! I'm good-looking enough!" James yelled after his friend as he rubbed his arm, glaring when the wizard started laughing even louder. 

* * *

"So... my birthday's coming up," Sirius said casually in greeting as he sprawled out on his stomach, making himself comfortable on the bed beside a reading Remus. James and Peter had abandoned him in the common room only minutes before, mumbling something about James giving Peter private flying lessons so he could try out for the team in fourth. Sirius huffed a laugh into Remus's blankets at the thought.

"You don't say?"

Sirius frowned and lifted his head, shooting his friend a disgruntled look. "Yeah. In _two_ days actually."

"Hmm," the sandy-blond hummed as he continued to write on a piece of parchment that was nestled inside his Transfiguration book.

"Same day as last year," the dark-haired wizard added flatly.

"Must have slipped my mind," Remus said. He lifted the feather end of his quill to his lips, his gaze one of deep concentration.

Sirius huffed and dropped his head back onto the bed. "Anyway. I thought we might do _something_. All of us that is..."

"Like what?" the werewolf asked in a politely curious voice, not bothering to look up from his work.

Sirius glared, pushing himself upright, his gaze landing on the edge of the distracting parchment in an accusatory fashion. "Remus, _what_ are you doing? Let me see that," he snapped, snatching the paper from the wizard's book in a flash.

Remus grabbed fruitlessly for the paper. "No! No, Sirius. Give me that back!" he shouted, his expression one of utter alarm.

Sirius grinned. "What is it? A love letter perhaps?" He jumped off the bed and held the parchment out of his friend's reach as he grinned down at him. "Who's it to? That pretty Ravenclaw you've been studying with lately? Or maybe _me_?"

"Yes, exactly. You've figured me out," Remus said sharply, his hand extended in a demanding fashion. "Now, let me have it."

Sirius laughed, winking at the wizard. "How bad do you want it, Moony?" he asked in an insinuating tone, wiggling dark eyebrows.

Remus rolled his eyes.

Sirius bit his lower lip as he tried to hold back a grin. "I'll tell you what, you can have it - if you give me a kiss," he said.

Remus's gaze studied the parchment for a short moment and then shifted down to the wizard. "Deal."

Sirius's grin made itself known, his arm dropping to his side as he took a step closer to the werewolf, leaving only a few inches between them. "Go on then," he said, his voice suddenly softer as he waited for his friend to make the first move.

Remus nodded slowly and began to lean forward when his hand darted out and tried to grab for the paper. Sirius let out a surprised laugh, jerking the parchment back as he closed the gap and captured the boy's lips with his own in a quick kiss.

Remus took a step back, pulling away. "Bastard," he said uncomfortably, his gaze shifting to the floor.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Hey now. That's not nice," he chastised in a light voice as his gaze wandered down to his friend's tempting lips. He suddenly remembered the paper he was holding at his side. A mischievous smile turned up his lips as he lifted it, the werewolf unaware. He started to read out loud, "Let's see here. Ideas for Sirius's birth... _Oh_.."

His gaze lifted slowly to see an unhappy Remus. He handed the piece of parchment back to the frowning werewolf sheepishly. "Whoops."

"Hey Remus, we got Sir - _Sirius_ , what are you doing up here, mate?" James asked as he walked into the dorm with Peter, his gaze flitting between him and Remus. "You guys look guilty about something," he said suspiciously.

"You're one to talk." Sirius lifted a single eyebrow as he eyed the two boys, who both had their hands behind their backs as if they were holding something. He blurted, "I know, James."

"Know what?" James asked as he casually walked sideways towards his bed so he didn't have to turn his back to the wizard. "Do you have any idea what he's talking about, Peter?"

"No. No clue." The blond shook his head jerkily as he tried to do the same as he made his way to his own bed, stumbling every few feet.

"About my party," Sirius said in an unimpressed voice, having regained his composure. "No need to play dumb with me. Remus just told me."

"He wouldn't," James retorted.

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. "Are those fireworks behind your back?"

"Remus! _Why_ would you do that?" James shouted, giving up on hiding the brown package and tossing it onto his bed carelessly.

Remus shot a glare at the grinning wizard. "I _didn't_! He grabbed the list from my book. I thought it'd be safe, because I was pretending it was homework."

James and Remus shot the nosy wizard irritated looks as Peter proceeded to slide his box under his bed.

The dark-haired wizard sniffed indignantly at his friends' cross looks. "Well, you were wrong. _Nothing's_ safe from Sirius Black."


	20. Chapter 20

"This. This is even _better_ than last year." Sirius laughed, the fourteen-year-old holding a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey up, the red liquid's background a darkened blue sky as he sat once again with his three friends at the top of the Astronomy Tower.

"Yeah. I'm glad we didn't go ahead with a party in the common room," James said, grabbing the bottle from his friend and taking a drink. The wizard shook his head and let out a shuddering breath. "Hey, when's Evie showing up?"

"Yeah, is she bringing any of her friends?" Peter asked eagerly.

Sirius started laughing wildly as if he had just heard the funniest joke ever. "She's not," he said around amused breaths, dropping back and onto the cold stones behind him, the chill from them not able penetrate past the alcohol buzzing warmly through his veins.

"What? Why not?" James frowned and looked to Remus, who shook his head in apparent confusion.

Sirius waved his hand dismissively and then rolled onto his stomach, pushing himself up on his hands and knees. The dark-haired wizard crawled across the circle and settled down beside Remus. "Didn't invite her," he said quietly, almost as if he were talking to himself; his tongue darted out, wetting his lips, grey eyes settling on the area where Remus's sandy locks met his neck, the ends slightly curling at the edges and making Sirius want to smooth them down or maybe just wrap one around his finger. He smiled when the werewolf seemed to notice and rubbed the area with his hand.

"I don't understand you at all," James said, shaking his head, and he pushed himself up off the stone floor, walking over to switch out their empty bottle of firewhiskey with a new one from the boxes pushed under a nearby bench.

Sirius trailed a hand around Remus's shoulder and pulled him nearer, his chin dipping, closing the space between his lips and Remus's ear. "Aren't you going to drink with us, Moony?" he asked, his silky tone not matching the benign question.

Remus cleared his throat, his gaze remaining on his shoes. "Ah, I'm not sure - probably not."

Sirius leaned in closer and ended up running his nose into the werewolf's ear. He pulled back. "Sorry," he said, grinning when the werewolf let out a laugh and rubbed at his ear. "Please, Remus, it's my birthday," he requested softly.

"What are you two whispering about?" James asked as he sat back down. He studied the two wizards across from him with a speculative look, Peter following suit.

Sirius dropped his arm from Remus's shoulders, settling back on his hands and stretching out his long legs. He bumped his knee against Remus's leg playfully, tilting his head in the sandy-blond's direction. "I was trying to pick up Remus, here. But, he keeps turning me down," he said glibly and then leaned back over and inhaled deeply, hovering just above the boy's neck. "Shit, you smell good," he said in a teasing tone, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Remus pushed him away, causing him to almost topple over. "Git."

Sirius grinned at him as he pushed himself upright, clearly not deterred. "Why are you playing hard to get, Moony?"

James laughed at the nickname that had somehow stuck. "Remus is too good for you, Sirius. Plus, you have Evie."

Sirius frowned, his eyebrows pushing together and down as the wizard's first few words hit him a little too squarely. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Aren't you two a couple? That's what everyone's been saying," Peter piped in.

Sirius's mouth dropped open. "We are not!"

James shot him a look of disbelief. "What would you call it then?" he asked dryly.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and swiped the bottle from James's hand angrily. He took a swig. "She's just persistent, and I don't want to be an asshole," he hedged.

James laughed. "Right. So what - you like Greg then?" he asked curiously, appearing to have adjusted to his friend's proclivities since their last talk.

" _What_? Zabini?" Peter asked in bemusement as he looked between the boys.

Sirius resisted the urge to glance over at Remus. He hadn't told the wizard about _him_ yet. He took another drink, and then scoffed, "What is it with you, Potter? It was just a snog. You act like you have to like someone in order to want to get off with them."

James's mouth dropped open, and then he burst into peals of laughter.

Sirius held back a grimace. He hadn't meant to say that so harshly. He took another sip, chastising himself mentally for feeling uncomfortable with his own words. He set down the bottle and shot a glance over at the werewolf.

"You, you kissed Greg?" Remus asked, reaching for the bottle on the floor between them and then taking an experimental sip. "Ugh, this is _terrible_ ," he choked as he pulled a look of disgust.

James shook his head at Sirius as he spoke to Remus. "Yeah, try another sip, it gets less gross." He turned his attention back to Sirius. "So you don't like _either_ of them?"

Sirius gave a small shrug. "No. Not really." He turned his full attention back to Remus. "It was nothing, Greg and I," he said, feeling the need to explain himself to the werewolf.

Remus took another drink, shaking his head as he swallowed forcefully.

James scooted closer, Peter following suit, making the circle smaller as they sat on top of the otherwise empty tower. "That's what _you_ say. But, _I_ heard from McKenna that Evie told Sylvia, who told Marlene, who told Lily, who told _her_ ," he paused and looked around the circle dramatically before adding, "that you two were _really_ going at it up here the day you two skipped." He finished with an impish grin plastered on his face.

"James you sound like a bloody bird," Sirius scoffed, leaning back and clearing his throat as he watched the werewolf shift uncomfortably by his side.

James shrugged his shoulders. "So, do you just not like _anyone,_ like you can't? Is that a thing in your family or something?" he asked curiously.

Sirius glanced over at Remus, who had put more space between them and was taking another drink. "I suppose... I mean, I _can_ , I'm sure..." he said hesitantly, not entirely certain despite his words. "I just haven't found anyone who - fits my type yet," he said hesitantly.

"You have a _type_?" James laughed heartily. "Let's hear it then," he said enthusiastically.

Sirius cocked his head as he thought. "Ah. Fit, _really_ fit. Blond's nice, but not _too_ blond. Smart. Funny... Quiet." He stopped. He almost felt like he was describing someone.

"Sounds like Moony," James provided unknowingly for his friend.

Sirius looked over at his best friend and saw the grin he was trying but failing miserably to hold back.

"You got me, I'm into Remus," he admitted, his smile and words mocking as his mind unexpectedly began to rebel and take a decidedly more serious turn. _Did_ he like Remus? There was no way. He would know if he liked him... wouldn't he? He chanced a glance over at the drinking werewolf and felt a twinge of something in his chest. Sirius swallowed hard. _No_. No, he'd just been drinking was all. He just thought he was fit and wanted to kiss him. A lot. But still. He looked away and back at a stupidly smiling James. He flipped him off, when the wizard winked at him.

Remus took another gulp and then set the bottle down and hiccuped before chuckling harshly to himself. Sirius frowned. Why was he laughing? He eyed the wizard beside him suspiciously.

"What d'you say, Remus? You fancy Sirius?" James asked, his voice coming out rather obnoxious in his best friend's opinion.

Remus took another drink. "No, I prefer the more introspective sort," he said dryly.

James let out a barking laugh. "Tough luck, Sirius." He stood up, groaning loudly as he stretched. "Come on guys, let's go set off the fireworks now."

Sirius stood up as he tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that had taken up residence in his chest at the werewolf's words. He reached down a hand to his still-sitting friend. "Coming, Remus?" he asked, his tone unsure.

Remus pushed himself up, ignoring the proffered hand. "Yeah, let's go," he said in a not overly friendly voice, and walked off, leaving Sirius behind. 

* * *

"Remus?" The words were followed by Sirius falling through the werewolf's curtains and landing on top of him.

" _Sirius_!" the sandy-blond hissed as he tried to shove the wizard off.

"Shhhhh," Sirius whispered loudly in his friend's ear as he lay on top of him in only his slacks, still partially dressed from his party that had ended only an hour before. "James and Peter are sleeeeping," he practically shouted.

Remus shoved him off with a growl. "What do you want, Sirius? I thought you'd be asleep by now." He scooted to the other end of the bed, putting as much space between them as possible.

Sirius grinned crookedly. "I was, but then I woke back up... So, I thought I'd come see you," he said, his voice lowering as he spoke the last part, his gaze running over the pajama-clad and shirtless werewolf.

Remus swallowed and looked down at his knees. "Oh, well. Why didn't you go see James?"

Sirius laughed softly. "Thanks, Moony," he said, bitterness creeping into his words.

Remus glanced up. "I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly, and then continued more hesitantly, "I mean - why me - what do you want?"

Sirius began to crawl towards his friend slowly, intense grey eyes peeking out from under a shaggy black fringe as he looked up at his friend. " _You_."

Remus's eyes widened in alarm as Sirius moved towards him. " _What_?"

Sirius dropped down beside the sandy blond and rolled onto his back. He reached up a lazy finger and poked him on the side of his leg, Remus startling at the small touch. "I'm just teasing, what's wrong with you?"

Remus shook his head jerkily. "You shouldn't joke like that," he said.

Sirius studied his friend in the dimly lit space for a moment. "Why not?"

Remus wrapped his arms around his legs. "Because we're _friends,_ Sirius. It's not right."

Sirius lifted his hand and placed it carefully on Remus's thigh so as not to startle him. "But, I like to kiss you. Don't you like to kiss me?"

Remus didn't respond.

"I'd like to do other stuff with you too," he said, his breathing picking up just from the words.

Remus sat quietly for a long moment. "What do you mean?" he asked, hesitantly.

Sirius's tongue darted out, wetting his lips as his mind ran over the werewolf's question, his teeth scraping over his lower lip as it proceeded to conjure up numerous answers to the question. He squeezed the wizard's leg with his hand. "Whatever you're comfortable with, I suppose."

Remus settled down on his back beside his friend and ran his hands up over his face. "Sirius, I'm not sure what I'm comfortable with," he admitted quietly.

Sirius rolled onto his side and glanced over at the sandy blond. He swallowed hard. "Well, maybe we could just try it out and see," he proposed in a rough voice, his heart beating quietly but quickly in the dark silence.

Remus's hands dropped slowly. "I guess that couldn't _hurt_..."

" _Exactly_ ," Sirius said quickly, moving closer to the wizard as his pulse picked up an uneven speed.

Remus rolled onto his side to face him. "All right," he said softly, barely getting the words out before Sirius pressed his lips against his gently.

Remus sighed and opened his mouth, Sirius's tongue moving in as he ran his hand up and cupped the werewolf's neck. Sirius scooted closer and slid his hand down Remus's arm and then settled it on his exposed side, his pulse speeding up when his friend made a soft noise in his mouth. He gripped the warm skin, and his kisses began to grow more insistent.

"Sirius, wait," Remus said as he pulled back from his mouth. "I-"

Sirius moved down and began to press open-mouthed kisses on the werewolf's neck. "Yeah Remus?" he asked as he continued to move towards his collarbone.

Remus gasped. "I, th-think, maybe, maybe we..."

"Go on," he whispered, finally reaching the scar he had been moving slowly towards. His tongue darted out and ran widely along it, sliding up from his chest to the base of his neck. He groaned. They tasted even better than they felt. "Oh, Merlin, Remus. You make me _so hot_ ," he whispered, his mind racing as his body thrummed with excitement.

"Sirius, I-I don't, I don't know about this," Remus said, his voice growing choppier as the wizard began to move lower once again.

"It's okay, don't worry," Sirius said smoothly and then pressed a kiss on Remus's stomach before tonguing a scar that ran diagonally across the lower right side of his ribs. "Just - just let me, Remus," he said, scooting even lower, and then he trailed his tongue slowly along the skin just below his belly button.

"Sirius, ohh-h..." Sirius's fingers latched onto the werewolf's waist band. "No - _Stop_!" Remus shoved his friend back, pushing him a good foot away.

"What's, what's wrong?" Sirius gasped as he pushed himself partially upright, trying to make sense through the heady mixture of alcohol and excitement racing through his veins.

"I don't want to do that. I-I can't think clearly right now," Remus said in a stressed voice, his chest rising and falling quickly.

Sirius looked down at the werewolf's body. "It sure looks like you do," he replied with a flippant grin.

Remus's gaze grew suddenly dark. "Fuck off, Sirius."

Grey eyes widened, rejection hitting Sirius hard and reminding him of the werewolf's words from earlier. He shook his head and shoved it away angrily. " _Fine_. I'll just go find Evie then," he snapped.

Remus's face dropped. Sirius looked away and climbed out of the bed. He stalked over to his own, grabbed his shoes from under it and proceeded to stomp his feet angrily into them. _How dare he turn me down! He doesn't like me? I don't care. I could have anybody else_! He grabbed up his wand, clenching it tightly in his hand as he ignored the curtains rustling behind him.

"Sirius, don't, you're drunk. You shouldn't go out, you're not - you're not thinking straight," Remus said, his voice strained.

Sirius froze for a moment. He closed his eyes tightly as he fought the rush of discomfort in his chest that was becoming all too familiar far too quickly when he was in the wizard's presence. He breathed out, angrily, flooding his body with the tempestuous emotion and drowning all others under the suffocating weight of its crashing waves. He began to shove his foot in his shoe again, determined. "Sod off, Professor Lupin, I don't need a bloody lecture," he said coldly.

"Sirius..." Remus said quietly, the concern obvious in his voice.

"Don't worry, Remus, I won't take advantage of her." Sirius laughed harshly. "I couldn't if I tried. She's always gagging for it. Stupid bitch." He hated it. He hated that he was constantly holding back with the witch, but Remus clearly wanted nothing to do with him. _I'm not his type_. He laughed out loud at the infuriating thought.

"Sirius, you're acting like an asshole," Remus said in a quietly-controlled voice.

Sirius finally got both feet in and turned around to look at Remus as he pulled on his shirt. He glared at his friend, anger surging in his chest viciously. "Yeah, well maybe I'm not acting," he said coolly and then walked past him and out of the room.

* * *

"Evie... do you think I'm an asshole?" Sirius asked the blonde witch across from him in feigned nonchalance as they sat together at lunch.

The witch looked at him in surprise. "No... Why do you ask?"

Sirius gave a small shrug. The tall wizard looked back down at his plate. "Just wondering," he said quietly to the girl, who he'd been eating meals with for the past week, having started sitting with the blonde witch after a few days of Remus's silent treatment.

He took a bite of his food and tried not to notice Andromeda, who was sitting just a few seats down from the blonde beside some wizard. Was Remus upset with him about what had happened in his bed? Or was he angry that he had gone out when he was drunk? Maybe it was over what Sirius'd said about the girl sitting across from him. It _had_ been rather mean. Or perhaps he was just upset about the prank he had pulled on Lily the following morning, James definitely had been.

He set down his fork. "Do you have a quill and some parchment on you?"

"Yeah, sure. Are you wanting to write someone?" the witch asked curiously.

"No, I'm just gagging to do some homework." Sirius dead-panned.

"Oh."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes, I want to write James." The witch stared blankly at him. "James Potter, my _best_ friend... He has glasses - and his hair." He pointed at his own impatiently when the girl's expression didn't change. "It's always messed up horribly. He sits beside me at mealtime every day." He finally motioned at said wizard in irritation.

" _Oh_. Him. Right." The witch pulled out her schoolbag from under the Slytherin table and handed Sirius the writing paraphernalia.

Sirius pushed his plate aside and leaned over the piece of parchment as he began to write.

_James,_

_Do you know if Remus is upset with me? He hasn't been talking to me lately, and every time I try to talk to him he acts like he doesn't hear me. Write me back now._

_Sirius_

He tapped the parchment with his wand, and it folded up into a dragon. He tapped it again and then watched it take off and fly over to the Gryffindor table and smack an unsuspecting James in the chest, startling the wizard. He turned back around and began to drum his fingers on the tabletop as he waited for a response.

"You could go sit with them if you want," Evie offered.

Sirius shook his head slightly as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. "No, thanks."

The paper landed in his lap a minute later but had been changed to look like a phoenix. He opened the folded note quickly and read.

_Sirius,_

_Yeah, he said you're a stupid arse who won't sit with his best friend at lunch, because you're too busy mooning over Evie Greengrass. His words, not mine._

_James_

_Maybe you should try harder to get his attention and ask him yourself._

The last line appeared hastily written like it had been added as an after thought.

Sirius shook his head, a begrudging smile making its way up the corners of his mouth. He looked up at the witch. "You know what, I think I will go sit with them."

She smiled politely. "Of course."

Sirius leaned over the table and placed a small kiss on her cheek and then turned and jogged over to his own. He sat down beside James and punched him on the shoulder. "You are the worst mate ever," he remarked glibly as he swiped a chocolate chip cookie from his plate.

"Yeah, maybe," James said with an impish grin.

Sirius took a bite of his cookie and looked over at Remus. The wizard had his Potions book out and was reading from it.

"Hey, Remus."

The werewolf's eyebrows lifted, but he didn't look up.

"Doing homework?" he asked in a solicitous tone. Remus turned the page to his book.

Sirius frowned. He pushed his right shoe off with the help of his left and then slid his socked-foot across the floor under the table, tapping the top of a shoe he suspected was the werewolf's and smiling when Remus's eyebrows furrowed, and the shoe pulled away. He shifted forward in his seat and lifted his foot, finding the werewolf's leg, and began to run his foot along it.

Remus let out a startled noise, dropping his book and leaned back to look under the table.

Sirius pulled his foot back quickly. "Looking for something, Remus?" he asked with an air of nonchalance.

The werewolf glanced up at him. "Uh, no," he said in a confused manner.

Sirius waited until the sandy-blond had picked up his book again and then hooked his toes around the wizard's leg, and began to run the bridge of his foot up along the wizard's calf once more. "Why are you ignoring me, Remus?" he asked point-blank as he continued to rub up and down.

Remus's hand darted down and grabbed the wizard's foot. "I'm not. I'm talking to you _right now, Sirius_." He began to tighten his grip around the rogue body part, the pressure slowly increasing.

"Yeah, but, but you weren't - Ow! Owowowow!"

Remus's hand dropped his foot. He glared at him. " _Don't do that_ ," he growled out.

"Don't do what?" James asked curiously, looking between his two friends.

"Come on, Remus. Why haven't you been talking to me?" Sirius asked, ignoring James.

"I just don't have anything to say," he said and pushed himself up. "I'm going back to the dorm guys," he said, looking at James and Peter before turning away.

Sirius frowned as he watched the wizard walk off.


	21. Chapter 21

"Remus, I bought you something."

The werewolf looked up from his place on his bed. "I'm sorry?" he asked, sounding thoroughly offended.

"I bought you something. Look - _chocolates_." Sirius held out a large box of expensive chocolates in front of himself like a shield. He waited and then added hesitantly when the wizard said nothing, "They're your favorite, right?"

Remus's pressed lips slowly quirked to the side, and his fingers twitched ever so slightly from their resting place on top of the book he'd just been reading.

The dark-haired wizard nodded encouragingly as he waited for the sandy-blond to give in.

Remus clenched his hand into a tight fist and kept it still. "What's this about?" he finally asked.

Sirius walked closer, carefully sitting down on the edge of his friend's bed after a moment's hesitation. "It's an apology gift."

"And what are you apologizing for?" Remus asked, eyeing the wizard as if he were considering asking him to get off his bed.

"Well, I'm not _exactly_ sure. But, just know, that I'm _really_ sorry for everything I've done lately." He looked up with soft grey eyes and nudged the box of chocolates across red sheets, towards his friend.

Remus stared down at the offered gift for a long moment and then let out a sigh, closing his book and setting it on the nightstand beside his bed. "It's fine, Sirius, I'm not even really upset anymore."

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he looked into hazel eyes. "Then why're you acting like you are?"

"I'm not."

Sirius scooted closer and reached out a hand experimentally, setting it on his friend's shoulder in a friendly gesture.

Remus pulled away immediately. Sirius's eyes narrowed. "You are too."

Remus scooted back against his bed and sighed as he leaned his head on the wall behind him, hazel eyes studying the ceiling high above. "Things are just a bit complicated between us, is all. Because..." He trailed off, not finishing his train of thought.

"Because we've kissed?" Sirius asked cautiously, and Remus nodded. Sirius crawled over carefully and sat beside his friend, leaving some space between them. Grey eyes dropped. "Do you still like me, Remus?" he asked, quietly.

Remus looked over to him. "What?"

"You've not talked to me for almost two weeks." Sirius stared down at his lap, trailing his left thumbnail idly along the side of his right hand. "Do you still want to be friends?" he said.

"Sirius, of course - of course I do. That hasn't changed." The werewolf shot him a nervous look. "As long as you still want to be friends, that is."

Sirius nodded quickly, his chest filling with some emotion that made him feel better but somehow uncomfortable at the same time. "Best friends."

The werewolf lifted a cynical eyebrow. "What about James?"

He shrugged. "You can have more than one best friend. And we're... _different,_ you know?"

Remus nodded slowly at that, lips quirking up a little. "Yeah. I suppose so."

Sirius smiled, some of his uncertainty seeping into it unintentionally. "So, what's wrong? _Exactly_? How can I fix it?"

Remus ran a hand through his hair, messing usually tidy locks and letting out a deep breath. "I don't know," he said, his voice full of frustration.

Sirius reached over and took Remus's hand and interlaced their fingers like Evie often did with him. He smiled. He could see why she liked it so much.

"Sirius. We shouldn't."

He looked up to him. "Shouldn't what?"

Remus looked away, his hand staying locked with Sirius's. "What about Evie?"

Sirius rubbed his thumb along Remus's, enjoying how nice the simple touch felt. "I've _told you, w_ e're not together."

Remus pulled his hand away. "What does that _mean_?" he asked, irritation seeping into the question as he rubbed his hand on his pants as if to rid it of something unpleasant.

Sirius looked down. "It's Evie you're upset about?" Remus didn't respond, his gaze directed at the ceiling once more. "I didn't figure she'd bother you, I mean," he paused and then added in a quieter tone, "it's not like _you_ want anything to do with me."

"What?" Remus had turned to look at him again.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, looking straight ahead as he tugged at the knot of his tie until he could pull it off. He held the tie in his hand, studying it closely as he avoided his friend's gaze. "Ever since... my birthday - you won't let me touch you or even talk to me."

The wizard let out an unhappy laugh as he wrapped the tie idly around his hand and then tried to make a fist, causing the material to squeeze his hand painfully as it dug deeply into flesh, stopping blood flow. He flexed his hand again, squeezing harder. "It's like when I kissed you the first time."

"Sirius I'm sorry. It's just. I've only ever kissed you and, I-" he cut off his explanation abruptly.

He nodded. "And you didn't like it?" he asked knowingly, rejection shooting painfully through his chest.

"Well, I mean, it was just - a bit much," Remus said, slowly.

Sirius looked up at his friend. "You mean, because I tried to-"

" _Yes_. Because of _that_."

Sirius grimaced. "I'm sorry, Remus."

"No, I. I know you are."

Sirius nodded, disappointment weighing heavily over his words as he spoke, "So, you regret it then?"

"No," the wizard said quickly, "I just - I don't know what I think, I guess. And then there's Evie."

Sirius shook his head in a way that seemed like even he didn't believe himself. "We're _not_ together."

"You seem like you're together," Remus hedged.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "She's nice."

"She seems like she likes you a lot, too."

Sirius felt anxiety press at his chest. "I doubt that," he mumbled. He didn't want her to like him.

"Sirius, of course she does. You're smart and funny and good loo-," Remus stopped.

Grey eyes livened at that, and lips curled up slowly, the tall wizard's expression gradually taking on an impish quality. Sirius looked up. "Were you going to say good-looking, Remus?"

Remus shook his head adamantly. "No. No, I wasn't."

Sirius grinned back down at his hands. "That's too bad. Because I think you're bloody gorgeous."

" _What_?" Remus breathed.

Sirius nodded with conviction as he unwrapped the tie around his hand and tossed it on the sheets, flexing his hand a few times to pump blood back into it. "It's true. You're quite fit, Remus Lupin. Too bad you don't think I am, too," he teased lightly.

"Uh, no. I, that was - Sirius - I didn't mean-"

"No, it's fine. Really, I'm glad you told me," Sirius said, his head dropping in feigned disappointment. He dropped his head further to hide the smile that was trying to give him away. He forced it down and made to get up.

Remus's hand shot out and grabbed the wizard, holding his arm firmly. "Sirius, I _do_ think you're - fit. You're - you're _too_ good looking, honestly. I've never met anyone more attractive," he said, an apprehensive look in his gaze.

Sirius stopped, dark eyebrows raising, trying to meet matching fringe as the words sunk in. A swell of happiness surged to life in his chest and then began to morph into something less simple as it settled in his stomach and began to coil. "Thank you, Remus," he said softly.

Remus nodded, his hand still holding Sirius's arm. "Sirius. Are you _really_ not with Evie? You're not going steady or anything?" he asked, his voice sounding rough in its uncertainty.

Sirius shook his head quickly, his pupils growing at the sound. "I promise."

Remus nodded slightly as he scooted towards the wizard. "Sirius, can I - would you let me try something?"

And Sirius's heart began to thump in his chest, feeling like it was trying to escape. "Anything, Remus."

Remus studied him for a moment nervously. "I want to - to kiss you," he said hesitantly before adding in a rushed voice, "If you don't mind, that is."

Sirius sucked in a breath, lungs filling to the brim and his mind following suit. Remus wanted to kiss him again. His mind began to spasm. His hands began to grow restless. He wanted to touch him. _No. No. No. Stop it._

"Sirius...?"

Sirius took in a deep breath and forced himself to focus on the werewolf's face. He nodded slowly. "I'd _like_ that, Remus."

Remus bit his lip. "You won't try-"

" _I won't_ ," he promised, shaking his head, his heart jumping up into his throat as he pulled his excitement back again.

Remus nodded, his hazel eyes swimming with hesitance. He waited for a moment before moving closer to Sirius. He pushed up on his knees slightly and began to lean towards him.

Sirius's eyes closed, and his hands grabbed hold of the comforter below as warm lips touched his gently and then pulled away too soon. Soft, uneven puffs of air brushed against his mouth and then lips met his again, molding to his tenderly for a few moments before pulling away again. He started to open his eyes when lips pressed once more against his mouth, but parted. He felt a tongue dart out, and he opened his mouth eagerly. Remus's tongue moved in timidly, and then hands began to run up Sirius's neck and into his shaggy black hair.

The wizard relaxed into the gentle kiss, his hands coming up and resting on the werewolf's sides but staying in place as their mouths moved slowly against each other, the taste of Remus on his tongue making his head spin.

Remus pulled back slowly after what seemed like only a second to the dark-haired wizard, his breathing hitched as he spoke in barely above a whisper, "Yeah, that'll work."

Sirius's eyes fluttered open, and he looked into thoughtful hazel eyes and then down to a soft smile. "What's that mean?"

Remus's eyes widened as if he hadn't realized he had just spoken out loud. "Oh - I, uh - I just wanted..." He stopped.

Sirius raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Wanted what?"

"It's just, our first... and then the last time was... Well, it wasn't exactly how I - I just wanted another memory," he said the last part abruptly and then sat back down beside the wizard, looking away as a warm flush ran up his neck.

"Oh." Sirius swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat. "Yeah, this one was definitely better," he said, his tone apologizing as he fidgeted uncomfortably not sure what to say and feeling unhappy.

Remus had wanted a memory to replace their other kisses. He had only kissed Sirius. And he had - well he didn't want to think about it. He wished he could take it all back. He looked down at his hands as regret warred with the good feelings he had been left with from the kiss.

"Where'd you get these chocolates?" Remus asked suddenly in a forced conversational tone, picking up the box.

Sirius cleared his throat, pushing the confusing emotions away for the time being. "Oh, uh, chocolate shop in Belgium. I owled my Uncle Alphard, and he said they make the best."

Remus nodded appreciatively, his eyes growing in excitement as he opened the box and looked over the chocolates with a covetous gaze. "Perhaps I should ignore you more often," he said matter-of-factly.

Sirius let out a surprised laugh. "No, that's not necessary. You can just tell me when you're out."

Remus looked up at him and grinned.

Sirius found himself returning it. "You have a nice smile, Remus," he said unthinkingly.

The werewolf's eyebrows lifted and then his gaze sharpened. "You're not getting any of my chocolate, Black."

* * *

"Hiding from Evie?"

Sirius looked up like he had been caught doing something bad. "What? _No_." He glanced around quickly. "She's not here, is she?"

James frowned and sat down beside the wizard. "Sirius, how would she get into the Gryffindor common room?"

Sirius let out a deep breath and stretched out, leaning back casually. "Ah, yes. I knew that." He wasn't hiding from the witch. He was just not going anywhere he might see her... which had proved rather difficult over the past week. Especially at meals. Remus had told him they were good, but he wasn't completely certain on how to maintain it just yet. Although he hadn't exactly seen Remus much outside of classes either. He glanced around the room again. "Where's Remus?"

"He's with Peter in the library." James eyed his friend curiously. "You don't like her anymore?"

Sirius shrugged, running an agitated hand through his hair. "I don't know. It's just gotten a bit dull spending time with her. You know?"

James turned his head and shot his friend a look of utter disbelief. "What part of it is _dull_?"

Sirius frowned. Maybe dull wasn't the _best_ word. Confusion swirled in his chest, irritating him with its evasive attack. He held back a growl of frustration, standing up abruptly. He looked down at his friend. "Let's do something."

"All right." James nodded thoughtfully, the hint of a smile beginning to play around the corners of his mouth. "What do you suggest?"

Sirius glanced around the room, his gaze stopping on a certain red-headed witch. He smiled. "James, I just realized. We've been back now for over three months and have _yet_ to properly greet Snivels. Poor chap probably thinks we've forgotten about him."

James shot a discreet look over his shoulder, zeroing in on the wizard's only friend before turning back. His grin grew, darkening to match his friend's. "You're right, Sirius. What were we thinking?" He stood up beside the wizard. "We don't want him to think we _forgot_ about him."

Sirius shook his head. "It's just poor form."

* * *

"Where's James?" Remus asked as he looked at a panting Sirius. The wizard was leaning against the door to their dorm, having just slammed it shut behind him.

Sirius took a few more calming breaths and then pushed himself upright and shot the werewolf a wide grin. "I had to leave him behind. Evans was after us, and the stupid sod actually stopped when she told him to." He shook his head, letting out a breathy laugh and made his way to his trunk.

Remus lifted one eyebrow, and then his gaze flitted back down to his book once more. "Fair enough."

Sirius leaned over and began sifting through the contents of his trunk. He threw a few shirts and slacks onto the floor, mumbling under his breath as he looked for the key to his vault.

"What key?" Remus asked casually as he flipped the page to his book.

Sirius's head jerked up and zeroed on the werewolf. "You could hear that?" he asked, his voice filled with alarm.

Remus nodded easily. "Yeah, you're looking for a key you said?"

Sirius stood up slowly. He walked over to the werewolf's bed and looked down at him, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for the werewolf to acknowledge him.

Remus glanced up. "Something wrong?"

"Remus," he started slowly, causing his friend's eyebrows to draw together in confusion. "How good is your hearing?" he asked.

Remus pressed his lips together as he sat his book down gently on the bedspread. "I guess you could say it's better than average," he said timidly.

Sirius's eyes narrowed, a frown forming on his lips.

Remus closed his eyes slowly. "All right. I have _really_ good hearing."

"Yeah, you do! I was practically whispering across the room! Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, looking affronted.

Remus ran a hand up the side of his neck and began to rub at it nervously. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I suppose."

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh. "Uncomfortable! Remus, you have super hearing! Do you know what I do in my bed at night?"

Remus's neck began to flush.

"Of course you do! Bloody hell, Remus! If I had known, I would have..."

Remus looked up at the wizard, his expression suddenly turning sharp. "What? Been more careful about what you whisper?" he asked dryly.

Sirius groaned and dropped down onto the bed beside his friend. "Hell, Remus. Yeah, I would have. Or put a silencing charm on the curtains at least. Why didn't you say something?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders, all traces of anger gone. "I guess I don't like for you guys to think differently of me, well, more than you already do at least." He looked down at his hands. "Sorry."

Sirius clenched his jaw. Angry at himself. He had been purposely blocking Remus from a certain solo nighttime activity. The werewolf probably thought he was a whore with all the wizards and witches he had been going through, trying to find someone he could enjoy as much as Remus. He looked over to his friend.

"Remus, those things I...I don't like all those-"

"Let's just drop it," he said quickly.

Sirius nodded slowly. "All right... So, uh, do you have any other _powers_ I should know about?"

Remus glanced up at him timidly. "I have a very sensitive sense of smell," he said quietly.

Sirius lifted his eyebrows, quirking his mouth to the side as he considered that. It seemed benign enough. "So, what, like you can smell lunch when it's being made?" he asked curiously.

Remus made an unsure noise as he shifted uncomfortably. "It's more people specific. I can recognize people by their scent," he said, looking extremely uncomfortable, more so than when he had admitted to his hearing.

Sirius frowned, not sure why the wizard looked so apprehensive.

"I mean. It's especially strong with wizards and witches of our age specifically," he hedged.

Sirius sat still. He looked up at the wizard, excitement rushing through him as his body made sense of the werewolf's words before his brain.

Remus's eyes widened, his hazel eyes darkening.

Sirius swallowed, his breathing shallow. "Oh."

Remus nodded and looked down at his book nervously.

Sirius scooted closer. "So, what do I smell like to you?" he asked.

Remus looked up. "I'm sorry?"

Sirius grinned slightly as he scooted closer. He tilted his head to the side, exposing his neck to the sandy blond in offering. "Go on, take a whiff."

Remus shook his head but leaned forward anyway. He stopped less than an inch from Sirius's skin and breathed in deeply.

Sirius felt his pulse begin to race as he remained still, biting his lip when the werewolf breathed out warm air on his neck.

Remus pulled back, his eyes swirling with darkness as he looked at Sirius. "Ah, you. You smell like, it's hard to explain. It's more of a feeling," he said, clearing his throat when his voice sounded hoarse.

Sirius scooted closer. "How does it make you feel then?" he asked quietly.

Remus pushed his book from in front of him to beside him. He looked over at the door and then back at the wizard. "Ah, it's very volatile in nature, but there's a _richness, or_ a depth, to it, and it's very - passionate," he paused, his gaze shifting down. He took in a slow breath. "And there's a... a strong dark pull." He looked up, apologetic.

Sirius stared in shock. His heart thudding unevenly in his chest as the words ran through his mind, feeling vulnerable. _Exposed_. He ran a hand up into his hair roughly and then quickly made to smooth it back down.

Remus's hand reached out, his fingers wrapping around the wizard's wrist gently and stilling the nervous motion.

Sirius swallowed, meeting his friend's gaze. "I'm sorry, Remus," he said, voice hoarse, feeling like he had done something wrong.

Remus shook his head, his gaze sharpening. "Never apologize for who you are Sirius. Only for what you do," he said, and then he offered the wizard a small smile.

Sirius blinked rapidly, his eyes burning. He climbed up onto the bed and leaned on his hands and knees, hovering just in front of the werewolf's mouth. "Remus, can I kiss you?" he asked, wanting to more than anything but almost knowing he would be rejected.

The werewolf nodded slightly and then reached up a hand, grasping the back of the wizard's head and pulling him forward.

* * *

"Hey guys, I should go. Have fun," Sirius said with a wry grin as he stood up and pulled down his trunk as soon as the shiny red engine had come to a stop. He pushed open the door, nodding and laughing appropriately as his three friends said their goodbyes still sitting in their seats.

The tall wizard let the door slide shut behind him, James's excited voice barely audible as he looked around the still empty hall that was decorated with strung garland and fairy lights for the nearing holiday.

He let out a slow breath and flicked his wand to lift his trunk and began to walk, leaving his three friends behind in their compartment and making his way to the opposite side of the train he knew they would unboard from. He steeled himself and stepped out onto the Platform of Nine and Three Quarters, his gaze lifting and searching for his family amongst the crowd of waiting wizards.

* * *

"Your father couldn't make it. He had a pressing work matter to attend to," Walburga Black said as she strode through the busy train station purposefully towards the floo system, her gaze passing over the wizards and witches meeting with loved ones for the Christmas break with an air of superior indifference. "He will be at dinner tonight. Tomorrow we will be having a dinner party. So, you will need to be ready by six at the latest."

Sirius nodded. "Yes, Mother," he said quietly as he walked beside the tall witch he was now several inches taller than.

Walburga glanced over at him with an arched look. "Have you been eating well? You look _thin_ ," she said in a clipped tone, red lips pulling up on one side, clearly displeased.

Sirius nodded politely. Quidditch practices had grown more taxing with their new captain, but he wasn't about to offer the explanation as he had yet to tell either of his parents he was on the Gryffindor team.

The witch shook her head, shooting him one more look of displeasure before turning her gaze straight ahead, chin tilted up. "It won't do. You'll have to take some nutrient potions tonight and tomorrow morning as well if you do not look better. Appearances are almost as important as power, Sirius," she chided her son.

Sirius nodded again. "Yes, Ma'am."


	22. Chapter 22

"Sirius, how is the Greengrass girl?"

Sirius looked up from his plate to find his mother shooting him an expectant look.

He cleared his throat quietly. "Good, I suppose. I don't really see her too much," he answered automatically, not asking why she wanted to know. That was never a welcomed question.

His mother dabbed at the corners of her mouth with a white napkin, her expression remaining blank. "You are not _together_?" she asked, lightly.

Sirius resisted shifting in his seat, growing suddenly wary by the line of questions, and an uncomfortable feeling began to turn in his stomach. He fought the urge to glance across at Regulus to see if he would indicate as to the expected response. He would not help. "No, Ma'am."

"Do you not _like_ her?" she persisted, somewhat sharply, her irritation slowly becoming evident to the young wizard.

Sirius swallowed. "Ah-"

"Now, now, Walburga - Sirius is simply enjoying his freedom a bit," Orion Black said in a low, even tone as he entered the formal dining room at Twelve Grimmauld. The tall wizard dressed in black slacks and a black button down, the only color on his outfit a dark green tie.

Sirius looked over at his father, as the wizard took his seat at the far end of the table. "Father, it's good to see you," he said and then lifted his fork to take a quick bite of food when the older wizard shot him an arched look. His hand froze just shy of his lips and began to lower as he nodded. "Oh, yes. Yes, Sir. I've just been dating a little," he agreed readily as he hid the uncertainty in his voice.

His father smiled, the expression not reaching dark grey eyes. "You see, he is merely acting like any young pureblooded wizard." He set his napkin in his lap and then motioned to a nearby house elf for his wine glass to be filled. "Sirius, is only fourteen. He will settle down in a few years or so with the Greengrass witch." He looked to his son, his grey eyes piercing. "Right, Sirius?"

Sirius swallowed the bite of salmon he had been chewing, the piece of meat trying to choke him as it resisted its downward trip, mimicking the live animal it once was. A few years? Settle down? He forced out a response. "Yes, Father."

"You see?" the older wizard said after taking a sip of red wine, holding the glass in his hand. "You have _nothing_ to worry about, dear wife," he said coolly.

"Yes, of course, Orion." The witch nodded slowly and began to eat once more, silence once again taking over the room. Sirius looked back down at his plate.

* * *

"Hello Sirius. Mind if I join you?"

Sirius glanced over his shoulder as he leaned on the thick, wrought iron banister that faced his family's garden to see Evie standing just inside the balcony glass door, a crowded ballroom behind her. The blonde witch was wearing a crimson red dress that flared at the hip and stopped just above the knee. He looked back up at the clear night sky and took a sip of his drink. "Not at all," he said, flatly.

The door clicked shut, leaving the space silent once more.

"It's really nice out here," the witch said in a soft voice as she stopped beside him. The railing had small twinkling lights wrapped around it that seemed to shift slightly with each snowy white flicker, and the outdoor space was spelled with a warming charm that ended just a few inches past the tall wizard's head.

Sirius let out a dry laugh. "Thanks. I figured at least some of the house should be festive." He didn't understand why his parents even celebrated Christmas since they were so adamant about not decorating for it.

"You did this?" she asked curiously, standing just a few inches away from him.

He nodded slightly and took a sip from his glass as he continued to look up, his eyes purposefully staying away from the patch of sky where the large crescent moon hung. He wished he could know how Remus's transformation went. "Yeah, I've been out here since dinner ended. What've I missed?"

"Well, your cousin Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange announced their engagement..." She paused when the wizard started snorting into his drink. "Are you drinking alcohol?" the witch asked in a curious tone.

Sirius grinned widely. "You caught me." He stood up and held out the cup. "Care for a drink?"

The witch took the glass and sipped at it, her eyebrows drew together. "Not bad. It tastes like chocolate," she said in a surprised voice before taking another drink.

Sirius nodded as he settled back against the side of the townhouse, feeling a little unsteady on his feet. "I spelled it. It's straight vodka," he said slowly.

The witch's eyebrows raised. "How much have you had?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I can't remember." He looked down, staring at the dark stonework of the balcony floor as he stood quietly with the witch. The witch his parents expected him to marry. Did she know? Was she okay with it? He pushed away the unwanted thoughts and looked up abruptly. "Having fun tonight?"

She walked over and stood beside him. "Well, I'm having more fun now," she said with a small smile as she took another drink.

Sirius nodded slyly. "Your father is actually the one who gave me the liquor. He's a nice guy."

"Yeah, he is," she said softly. She took another drink. "How's your year been?"

Sirius thought about the question. "All right, I suppose. You?"

"Good." She looked up at him. "Did you know Greg Zabini is dating my friend Alyssa Hewitt now?" she asked lightly.

"Huh," Sirius said. He grinned over at the witch, who was watching him for a response. "Did you set them up?"

An answering smile met the question. " _Perhaps_."

Sirius let out a laugh. "That's too bad. Greg's a good snog," he responded in a gamely fashion. He pushed off the wall and moved in front of the blonde.

She took another sip. "You did seem to be enjoying him quite thoroughly. What ever will you do about it?" She shot him an innocent look of concern.

"I suppose, hope she doesn't mind sharing." Sirius's hands found purchase on the witch's hips, and he pulled her off the wall. "Come on. I want to show you my room." He took her hand and guided her away.

* * *

Sirius tip toed down the stairs of his house, cringing whenever the wooden planks would creak tellingly under his feet. It was well past midnight, and he had a terrible hangover and was in need of some potion or other he was certain.

He stepped off the final stair and began to make his way silently towards the kitchens, his socked feet dampening his late night travels. The house elves could help him. His steps slowed as he approached the sitting room, a light coming from it. Sirius frowned, the elves must have forgotten to put it out.

"It is crucial that we show a united front. We need to be careful of how we present ourselves even more so now."

Sirius stopped mid-step, only feet from the doorway. The voice was somewhat familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. Someone, a guest from the party most likely, was in the house, which meant his father or mother was still up. He considered his options. None of them were good. He listened as the voice continued.

"Albus Dumbledore is not a wizard to be trifled with, and if he takes control of the-"

"He will not. I will _not_ allow it."

The sharp voice made Sirius jump back against the wall, his back pressing firmly against it as he tried to coax his frozen feet into carrying him far away. It was his father's, and he was livid if his tone was any indicator.

"Orion. I know that you feel very strongly about this, but perhaps since that is the case you might reconsider the Dar-"

"Absolutely not," his father hissed. "I have already told you, my eldest son is _not_ going to become some _slave_ to a half-blood! He is the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and he will _never_ be used as some mindless pawn!"

Sirius's eyes widened, and he tried to lean even further against the wall, fearing being discovered more than ever. Slave?

"Perhaps - you should reconsider. Abraxas took the offer, as I'm sure you're aware."

A pregnant silence hung in the room, and then Orion spoke in a quiet voice, the venom in his voice apparent to his son. "I am _not_ Abraxas."

"No. Of course not. I am merely trying to point out that you might want to take all possible futures into account before making your decision - like others have."

Silence ensued once more.

Sirius's feet regained control, and he began to inch away when the noise of a chair being knocked over startled him into freezing once more. He pulled his wand out of his pants' pocket and held it by his side. A shout and a loud bang against the wall he was leaning on caused him to move away and into the middle of the hallway.

" _No one_ threatens me. I don't care _who_ you're speaking for."

Sirius found himself taking a few small steps towards the archway to the sitting room, and he peered in. There was a man lying on the floor, trying to push himself up into a sitting position, his wand several feet in front of him. His father was standing up slowly from his chair by the fireplace, his wand out and pointing at the wizard.

"Orion, you are mistaken." He began to push himself up. "The House of Black is no match for-"

" _Avada Kedavra."_ The two words were spoken simply, in the same cool voice that had asked Sirius how his term had been just the day before.

Sirius watched as a green light surged from his father's wand, the curse twisting around itself in small strands as it shot forward and then smacked into the familiar wizard's chest, disappearing in a puff of dark smoke on his shirt. The man's eyes dulled slowly and then rolled back, and he dropped to the floor. Sirius blinked.

"Sirius, what are you doing awake?"

Sirius stood in the dark hallway, staring at the man who had been talking only seconds before. He was dead. His father had killed someone.

A hand landed on the young wizard's shoulder, and he started, his head jerking up to look into his father's dark grey eyes.

"Oh, Father. I'm sorry. I, uh, had a bit too much to drink," he said unthinkingly, admitting to his alcohol usage, as his mind tried to grasp what had just happened.

His father let out a laugh. "Ah, yes. I know how that can be. I have something for that in my office." He snapped his fingers, and Kreacher appeared. "Kreacher, clean that up and close the floo," he said, waving dismissively at the room behind him.

"Yes, Master," the house elf said happily.

Orion wrapped an arm around Sirius's shoulders and guided him away from the room and down the darkened hallway. "Come along, Son."

* * *

 "Well, if it isn't ickle Sirius all grown up."

"Bella," Sirius said coolly as he sat down beside the dark-haired witch. His parents had seated the witch beside him for the Christmas Eve dinner. He wasn't sure if it was because they were pleased with her engagement, or if they were displeased with him about something. "Where's Rod? Has he left you already?" he asked casually.

The witch tensed slightly but then placed a hand on the wizard's arm gently. "It's Rodolphus. And, no, he wasn't invited tonight, because I have plans with my friends."

Sirius nodded. "I wasn't aware you had friends," he said as he brushed the girl's hand away discreetly.

The witch smiled, her teeth showing. "I see Gryffindor has made you quite the sharp-witted wizard. I'm sure your parents are very proud of you."

Sirius clenched his jaw. "Yes, well it is hard when you're expected to do more than just be a bitch to breed more wizards into an inferior family line."

Bellatrix let out an amused laugh and then leaned closer. "Oh, you _have_ grown up," she purred. "Would you care to have some fun with me?" she asked in a sickly-sweet voice.

The tall wizard thought for a moment. "I highly doubt we have the same idea of what is fun, Bella."

"We could set Cissy's dress on fire," she whispered softly in his ear.

* * *

Sirius and Bellatrix stood just inside Orion's study, laughing loudly as they hid from the furious blonde witch, Narcissa Black.

"Poor Cissy, she did look _ever_ so beautiful in that white dress," the witch said in a song-songy voice as she pushed herself off the door and then began to dance around the large room by herself, looking like a jaded ballerina in her black lace dress.

Sirius let out a laugh and looked around the room curiously. He didn't usually go in his father's office when he wasn't there. He walked over and sat down in the wizard's tall black chair, testing it. "She's going to blame me completely for that I'm afraid," he said as he shifted in the cold leather seat, looking down at the armrests that ended in hippogriff claws. He ran his right hand down and touched the tip of one, pain shot up through his finger, and he pulled his hand back to see a drop of blood on the tip of his middle finger. They were still sharp.

Bellatrix jumped up onto his father's desk and laughed exuberantly, pulling the wizard's attention back to her. "No, I think not. I told her just earlier in the day that Geniva Lestrange was plotting against her. We are safe," she said with a look of manic glee as she held her tall, spiky heels in one hand, looking like she wanted to use them to stab someone.

"Your fiancé's aunt?" Sirius asked with one eyebrow raised in casual interest.

" _Yes_ ," she hissed happily and slid down onto the desk until she was lying on her back. She threw her shoes over her head haphazardly, one hitting the wall with a sharp bang and the other targeting a painting, causing the occupant to let out a scream. Bellatrix's smile grew at the noise. "I _absolutely loathe_ her," she whispered fervently. "Cissy will make her pay _dearly_."

Sirius shook his head and laughed. He remembered seeing the Lestrange witch sitting beside a wizard he had never seen before at his parents' party. He was an exceptionally attractive dark-haired man, who appeared to be around his parents' age. He remembered hearing his name, but couldn't recall it, oddly it wasn't a pureblooded one he was familiar with. "I didn't think that was your style."

The witch pushed herself upright, her smile dropping. "Yes, well. We can't always have what we want, Sirius. Can we?" she asked, her grey eyes suddenly more lucid as she stared deeply into his.

"I suppose not," he said evenly, not knowing what she was alluding to but feeling somehow sympathetic.

The witch moved up onto her knees and leaned towards him, her smile returning, white gleaming teeth showing between pouty red lips, her gaze distant once again. "You're fun, Sirius. Why don't you come out with me and my friends tonight? They're throwing me a bachelorette party at the villa." She shot him an insinuating look. "The entertainment there will be quite _pleasing_."

Sirius rocked in the chair as he studied the dark-haired witch. He hadn't been to the Black's country villa since he was nine. "You do know that I'm a bloke. Right?"

Bellatrix's smile widened. "Oh, I'm very aware. But, somehow I don't think that's a _problem_ for you."

Sirius eyed her carefully, and then a slow answering smile overtook his features. "No, I don't suppose it is."


	23. Chapter 23

Sirius walked along musty bookshelves in the study at the Black's countryside villa. The sound of distant music vibrated the floor in the room. He shook his head and smiled slightly. He continued his search, grey eyes scanning the spines of the books. His gaze froze on a black leather bound book, whose title read _A Wizard's Guide To Mastering Difficult Magic, The Illegal Sort._ He pulled out the book and flipped to the index in the back. He smiled and let out a relieved laugh as he made his way over to a chair in the corner.

* * *

"No, no. I'm _not_ doing that! Absolutely not!" Two sets of familiar laughs followed the words.

"Oh, Droms don't be so uptight! It'll be fun!"

Sirius looked up from his chair, where he'd been sitting the past half hour, to find a grinning Andromeda pushing a persistent Bellatrix out of the library, her hand resting on the door's handle.

"You do it then. I'm just going to rest for a few minutes. I'll be back," the younger witch promised in a sincere-sounding voice.

Sirius watched Bellatrix physically concede amidst her persistent whining as she let Andromeda push her out into the hallway. The younger witch closed the door quietly, her grin dropping immediately, and a stressed look overtook her features.

He considered not saying anything. They hadn't talked since summer, and he couldn't help but still feel terribly uncomfortable in his cousin's presence. He watched the unaware witch as she sat down in a chair near the door and covered her face, her shoulders beginning to shake ever so slightly.

"Andromeda?" Sirius stood up, holding the book he had found in his hand.

The girl startled and looked up quickly, her scared gaze settling on him and then vanishing. "Oh," she gasped out in what sounded relief. She swiped at her eyes and stood up, smoothing the dress she was wearing. She started to smile hesitantly, when her eyebrows suddenly pushed together, and she frowned. "Sirius, what are you doing here?" she asked sharply.

Sirius shrugged. "Bella invited me."

The witch's frown deepened. "Sirius, you shouldn't spend time with her. She's not, not a good... role model."

Sirius waved his hand dismissively as he approached the witch. "No worries. I don't hold her in any esteem." He stopped a few feet away from his cousin, not sure if his nearness would be welcomed. "Are you okay?" he asked, holding back the cringe when he felt like a hypocrite for asking after her well-being. _I didn't know. I didn't know._

She nodded slowly. "Yeah." She eyed him carefully. "How have you been?"

"All right." He paused, stuffing fidgeting hands into his front pockets, and then he shot the witch an unintentionally apologetic look. "Yourself?"

Andromeda looked at him for a moment and then sighed. "Sirius, come here," she said gently and took the few steps to close the distance between them when he didn't move. She reached up and wrapped her arms around him. "I've missed you," she said softly, her voice tight with emotion.

Sirius slowly lifted his own arms and laced them around her waist carefully. He nodded. "Me too," he whispered, relief and sadness and regret all washing over him as he hugged his cousin. He forced himself to pull back after a few beats. "Not enjoying the party?" he asked cautiously, remembering the scene from a few minutes' past.

She smiled sadly as she looked down at her clasped hands. "It's bittersweet, I suppose." She looked back up then, meeting the wizard's gaze, and her smile turned more genuine. "But, I think it will be better now." She glanced around the quiet room. "What are you doing in here anyway?" she asked curiously.

Sirius shot her a sly smile. "Hiding from Bella's friends. They're a bit... _grabby_."

Andromeda broke into peals of laughter as she shook her head. "I'm sorry. That's _really_ not funny." She squared her shoulders. "Don't worry, I'll protect you, Sirius."

Sirius's grin widened. "Thank you, Andromeda."

* * *

"Out of my way!" Bellatrix Black snarled at a group of seventh-year Hufflepuffs, who quickly moved as one out of the witch's path. She continued to sashay down the platform in a long-sleeved black dress, Sirius walking by her side and stifling a laugh. "What a wretched House. I think I'll go murder some badgers after I leave you, dear cousin."

Sirius shook his head in torn amusement, not able to take her words as idle threat. He could easily see her scouring the countryside to massacre the small mammals. "Thanks for bringing me today, Bella," he said lightly as he discreetly scanned the crowd for his friends.

"Oh, ickle Sirius," Bella cooed, her arm wrapping around him with her wand out. "It is I, who should be thanking you. My friends were absolutely _terrified_ by that spell you taught me," she squealed happily, her laughs taking on an unhinged quality and earning her frightened looks as they stopped in front of the train.

Sirius laughed. "Yes, well. We're even then," he said, trying to hide his sudden nervousness as he waited for one of his friends, Remus namely, to appear and say hello. "I should go now."

Bella nodded, her eyes narrowing on a small group of fifth-year Gryffindor witches as they boarded behind the wizard. She looked up at him, her expression fervent. "Sirius, I forgive you for being in Gryffindor. You are indeed a Slytherin at heart."

Sirius nodded slowly, hiding the look of horror wanting to take up permanent residence on his features. "Thanks, Bella. See you this summer," he said quickly and leaned in, pressing a kiss on each of her cheeks as she reciprocated.

The wizard lifted his trunk again with a murmured ' _leviosa_ ' and began to board the shiny red engine that would take him back to Hogwarts. 

* * *

Sirius started as the door to the train car flung open. He had been almost asleep.

"Sirius!" James flew in his trunk and let it plop onto the shelf beside his best friend's before sitting down beside the wizard, a huge grin gracing his features.

"Hey James," he said, forcing a smile as he rubbed at tired eyes. He hadn't slept well the last few nights at his house.

"Get any good presents?" James asked, looking as if he were about to explode from excitement.

Sirius's smile turned more genuine. "What'd you get?" he asked knowingly.

James shot him a mysterious look. "The power of invisibility."

Sirius fought a laugh and lost. "Let's see it then."

James stood up solemnly. "Close your eyes."

Sirius shook his head as he followed his friend's demands. "All right, but if this is a trick you'll regret it, Potter."

"Nope. Now - _open them_!"

The dark-haired wizard opened his eyes to see the room empty but him. Just then, Remus pulled open the door.

"Hey, Sirius. Just you so far?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, James is here too. Be careful not to step on him." A snicker followed the statement.

Remus shot him a look of disbelief. "Right." He flicked his wand and lifted his trunk, the heavy chest stopping for a second when it hit solid air before continuing on.

"Ow!" James shouted, a loud thump following the exclamation, his feet suddenly appearing.

Remus's chin dropped, and Sirius let out a barking laugh.

"You okay there, mate?" Sirius asked, reaching out and touching the air above his friend's exposed feet and then gripping a watery-like silk material and lifting it to see James, lying on the floor and rubbing his head, his glasses crooked on his face as he nodded in a confused manner. Sirius pulled off the cloak to inspect it more closely.

Remus dropped to the floor, his eyes wide. "James, I'm so sorry!"

"Hey guys!" Peter walked in, smiling happily until his gaze stopped on a grinning Sirius. The wizard let out a strangled, garbled noise as he stared in terror at what appeared to just be Sirius's torso, floating above the seat.

* * *

"When are you leaving tomorrow, Remus?" James asked quietly.

Remus shrugged and placed his forehead on the desk, sitting between James and Sirius in Transfiguration on the third Thursday in January. Peter was sitting beside James.

"You don't look so good," Sirius whispered in the werewolf's ear.

Remus shrugged his shoulders again and wrapped his arms around to hide his face.

Sirius glanced over at James, and they shot each other worried looks. The wizard had been looking worse for the third month in a row, almost like he wasn't recovering fully before his next transformation.

"Mr. Black—"

"I didn't do it," Sirius blurted in response.

Professor McGonagall peered down over narrow glasses with a look of repressed amusement, lips pressed firmly together as she arched one eyebrow. "Mr. Lupin appears unwell, would you mind helping him to the hospital wing?"

Sirius let out a huff of a laugh and grinned. "Oh, right. Yeah. Sure, Professor." He tapped his friend on the back and helped him stand.

* * *

"Maybe I _should_ have taken you to see Madam Pomfrey," Sirius hedged as Remus stumbled on the steps to their dorm for the fifth time. The taller boy held on to his arm to stabilize him.

"No. No, there's nothing she can do. She'll just make me stay there until it's time to go tomorrow. I don't want to be locked up in there that long," Remus muttered as they reached their dorm.

"All right - if you say so." Sirius pushed open the door and followed beside the shuffling werewolf to his bed. He pulled the blankets down and helped him lie down before leaning over and pulling off his shoes for him, ignoring his grumbling protests. "There, all set," he said with a small smile, and then he turned to leave.

"Sirius?"

The wizard turned back around to see his friend lying on his side and looking up at him nervously. "Yeah Remus?"

Remus cleared his throat before saying in a quiet voice, "Would you stay with me for a little while?"

Sirius nodded his head slightly, more than a little surprised by the request. "Yeah, of course I will." He toed off his shoes and climbed over the wizard carefully and then settled down on the red sheets behind him, pulling the curtains shut.

"Sirius...?" Remus said quietly in the semi-darkness.

"Yeah?"

The sandy blond scooted closer to him and whispered, "Thanks, for doing this."

Sirius wrapped a careful arm around his sick friend. "Yeah, no problem, Remus."

"I'm sorry-" The werewolf paused, and he let out a heavy breath. "I'm sorry I haven't been that nice to you lately."

The dark-haired wizard lay quietly for a long moment. He'd noticed the werewolf had been extra irritable with him ever since they had all returned from Christmas break, but he hadn't said anything, hoping it would just blow over. "Wait, you mean when you suggested that I shove my wand up my arse in Transfiguration the other day you weren't being nice?"

Remus laughed. "I did say that, didn't I? _Merlin_ , Sirius, why have you been putting up with me?"

Sirius shrugged. "You're my friend." He paused, gently toying with a piece of Remus's bunched up sheet between his thumb and index. "And - I suppose I figured I must have deserved it somehow," he said, all joking gone from his voice.

The werewolf shifted a little closer to him. "Why would you think that?" he asked, his voice quietly tense.

"I don't know." Sirius chewed on the inside of his lip as he thought. He let out a quiet breath. "I just tend to muck things up," he finally said.

"Sirius... I think you're too hard on yourself."

The dark-haired wizard smiled softly, and his arm tightened ever so slightly around the sandy-blond. "You're one to talk."

"Touché."

Sirius lay quietly as his friend rested in front him. He closed his eyes, exhaling deeply, and his body slowly began to relax as the rhythmic breathing from a sleeping Remus soothed him. His mind began to wander on its own, thoughts mixing and merging and stopping making sense as he was pulled away from the conscious world.

* * *

"Hey guys," Sirius said a week later as he sat down beside James, who was sitting across from Peter at the Gryffindor table. He began to scoop food onto his plate. "Where's Remus?"

Peter snickered.

"Shut up, Peter," James said through gritted teeth, his eyes slitted as he glared daggers at the blond.

Sirius's hand stilled, a scoop of corn held over his plate. He looked between his two friends curiously. "What's going on?"

Peter looked down at his lap, not responding.

James glared harshly at the boy for a moment before turning slowly to Sirius. "He's, he's-" James paused and took in a slow breath, his jaw flexing. "He's sitting with Evans today," he said, his voice coming out strained as he appeared to be fighting to control it.

Sirius dropped the corn onto his plate, some of it missing and landing on the table. His gaze shot over to where the red-head usually sat. He swallowed as an unusual feeling crept up on him. He tossed the serving spoon back in the dish. "Well, isn't that _cute,_ " he said in a harsh voice.

James shook his head. "How could he do this to me, Sirius? _How_?"

Sirius shot his friend a look of disgust. "You were just drooling over Evie yesterday, James," he said coolly.

James's shoulders dropped forward. "You're right. This is all my fault. I haven't been giving her enough attention, and Valentine's is only two weeks away-"

Sirius blocked out his friend as he watched Lily and Remus interact. Lily was talking animatedly, waving her hands as she spoke, and Remus was laughing softly at whatever she was saying. Sirius's breathing slowed as his vision narrowed on the witch.

"Maybe I should date someone. Get her attention. You know?"

Sirius pushed himself up. "Yeah, good idea, James," he said darkly. He started towards the two Gryffindors, eyeing the four witches who were Lily's friends. He smiled flirtatiously as he garnered the girls' attention as he sauntered towards them, holding back the scowl that threatened to take over his face. He stopped when his gaze met a pretty blonde, sitting directly across from Lily.

"Hi, hi, Sirius," the girl almost whispered, blushing profusely.

Sirius's grin grew as his eyes darkened, zeroing in on his target. He leaned over and whispered in the girl's ear, brushing his lips across her ear for only a split-second as if it were by accident. "You look lovely today," he breathed.

The witch giggled as he stood back up, smiling down at her.

"Thanks," she said softly, blushing prettily. She looked up at him. "Would you like to join me?"

Sirius's smiled widened, perfect white teeth showing. "I'd love to. But, there doesn't appear to be any seats," he said, holding back an eye roll. He looked down at the witch's lap. "Unless you want to sit on my lap, ah - what's your name again?" he asked the witch.

The girl nodded quickly and stood up. "McKenna," she supplied eagerly.

"McKenna," Sirius said in a silky-smooth voice. "What a beautiful name," he said, sitting down in the witch's seat. He winked at a glaring Lily as he pulled the girl down into his lap. "Evans," he said, his voice losing all warmness. He glanced over at Remus, who was looking down at his plate.

"Black, what do you want?" the red-headed witch hissed.

Sirius wrapped his arms around the witch's waist in front of him and nuzzled her neck, eliciting another giggle from the girl as she fidgeted on his lap nicely. "I've been wanting to meet McKenna here for a while now. Do you know her?" he asked innocently.

"Yes, Lily and I are best friends. Aren't we, fam?" she said happily from the grinning wizard's lap.

"Hey Moony," Sirius said in an offhanded manner, "fancy seeing you here."

The werewolf looked up slowly, his expression one of guarded skepticism. "Yeah, hey, Sirius."

* * *

"I know you don't like her."

Sirius looked up, his gaze settling on one Lily Evans, standing before him with her arms crossed, and her wand in hand.

Sirius leaned back and draped his arm across the back of the red sofa casually. "Is this your way of professing yourself to me, Evans? Because, I should tell you, I'm not interested. You're too tightly wound for my taste."

Lily growled. "Why are you playing with her? She really likes you, you know that?"

Sirius nodded. "And I like her too. She's fun." He grinned widely. "So eager to please."

Lily looked around the common room to make sure her friend was still up in the dorm before saying, "I know you're with Greengrass, what would she think if someone were to tell her?" She grinned darkly.

Sirius laughed lightly. "Oh, Evans, you think she doesn't know? I haven't been exactly hiding it. She doesn't care, she's a smart witch."

"You _disgust_ me, Black," she spat. "Is this some sort of deranged prank?"

Sirius pulled a look of feigned hurt. "Of course not. I just enjoy her company. Much like you enjoy - _Remus's_." He lifted darkly arched eyebrows in a meaningful fashion when he said his friend's name.

"What do you _mean_ by that?" the witch asked caustically, fiery red brows furrowing in confusion.

Sirius shrugged and then stood up, stretching slowly as the agitated witch waited for a response. He looked down, towering over her. "It means, I don't like you hanging out with Remus as much as you don't like me hanging out with McKenna." He walked off and made his way up the stairs to his dorm.

 


	24. Chapter 24

"Should I be _concerned_ about this?" Remus asked finally, slowly lowering his book as he looked suspiciously across the library table at a quietly reading Sirius for the umpteenth time since they had sat down two hours before. When they had arrived Sirius had promptly pulled out a book and begun to read studiously much to the werewolf's apparent surprise.

The tall dark-haired wizard rubbed the side of his nose, not looking up from the black-leather bound book he was holding in his lap, and then sniffed. "Most definitely," he responded glibly as he turned the page back to read an important excerpt again.

_The number one reason for failed animagus transfigurations is not choosing the most appropriate animal form to take. If a wizard chooses an animal that is not fitting then the chance of the change either freezing part way through or being irreversible is much more likely. The most agreed upon method for choosing an animagus form is producing a patronus charm. Since a wizard's original patronus by nature is an animal manifestation of their own magical signature, it is often the most reliable choice and is therefore considered by Transfiguration Masters to be the safest._

Sirius looked up at his friend. "Remus, what do you know about the patronus charm?"

Remus lifted one eyebrow and set down his DADA book on the table in front of him. "It's a very difficult charm to cast. There are many an adult wizard who cannot produce one, especially not a fully-formed animal shaped one. Why?" he asked curiously.

Sirius frowned. "Just curious... _Why_ is it really difficult?"

The sandy blond leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest, his eyebrows furrowing. "Well, I think it's just the nature of the charm. It's very advanced magic, so it may be more so an issue of magical capability rather than actual training. And then," he paused and shifted uncomfortably. "There's the actual method..."

Sirius leaned forward in his seat, his gaze trained fully on the wizard. "Yeah?"

Remus sighed, rubbing a hand through his sandy locks. "It's considered one of the more difficult light magic spells. It requires an enormous amount of happiness coupled with a strong surge of light magic to force the spell out of the caster, through the wand and into being," he paused, glancing at Sirius apprehensively before continuing, "Some even believe that the wizard lets go of a small part of their magic to form the patronus, like it's alive. So, the more light magic one has, the easier it is to part with that bit."

Sirius sat quietly as the werewolf's words sunk in. Part with his light magic?

"But, I think it's rubbish honestly," Remus said quickly. "My father told me that there have been at least a handful of wizards, who were not considered the most.. _light inclined_ in our history, to have mastered the charm." He grimaced apologetically at the insinuation before continuing, "There must be another way. Those _specific_ wizards _,_ who produced them, they all accomplished it when they were older, once they had fully matured magically. So, maybe it's possible to make up for the light magic requirement with just _more_ magical power, despite the type." He shot his friend an encouraging look.

"Yeah, thanks, Remus," Sirius said, nodding and forcing an easy smile as his stomach coiled uncomfortably before looking back down at the text, his gaze unfocusing as he thought. It would probably be at least ten years before he reached his full strength. He glanced up at the werewolf, who was reading once more, and felt a pang of guilt. He looked back down at the book, turned the page and then began to read once more. He couldn't wait that long.

* * *

Sirius sat alone at the top of the astronomy tower for the third night in a row under James's invisibility cloak. _Focus. Focus._ He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and concentrated on the task at hand - building up as much magic as possible to cast a patronus. A swirling-like sensation began to grow, first in his stomach, filling it, and then moving up to his chest. He let out a slow controlled breath, his body beginning to heat up as he struggled to contain the excess magic.

The cloak around him began to let off a small humming noise as it held in the magic that had begun to roll off of him unbidden while he focused on building more. _Not enough, still need more_. He held his breath, the cloak's humming noise continuing to grow louder, his magic pressing all around him and darkening his thoughts as it filled the closed-in space. He clenched his jaw and attempted to push back the unhelpful feelings that seemed intrinsically twined with his magic. He gasped suddenly, air filling his lungs, the lost magic feeling like it had shot back down into him. He felt a surge of power, and he lifted his wand quickly when it rose to escape.

" _Expecto_ -" Magic jolted into the wand before he could finish. A silver flash shot out and hit the cloak, dispersing into a grey smoke that began to rapidly fill the space. Sirius threw off the cloak and scrambled backwards on his hands and feet, watching in shock when the cloud lifted a few feet into the air and then started to compress on itself.

The tall wizard stood up slowly as he eyed his magic warily. He took a step forward and then another, cautiously approaching the spinning cloud that had stabilized at the size of a snitch and had taken on a silver sheen.

He stopped at an arm's length and carefully lifted his hand, slowly reaching out as he stared in awe at the swirling ball-like mass, fingertips only inches away when it suddenly let off a bright flash and expanded, knocking him backwards a few yards and onto the stone floor. He groaned, a sharp pain shooting up his back and through his left shoulder as he pushed himself off the floor, freezing halfway up. Grey eyes widened in disbelief.

* * *

"Guys! Guys, wake up! You _have_ to see this!" Sirius stood in the middle of the dorm with James's cloak in his hand early the next morning, pointing to the empty space directly beside him as his just awoken friends slowly pushed themselves into sitting positions.

"What is it?" James asked sleepily as he pushed on his glasses, climbing out of his bed to get a closer look when he couldn't make out anything.

"This had better be good," Remus groaned and pushed himself up, grumbling under his breath. Peter yawned as he climbed out of his own bed quietly.

The three wizards shuffled over and stood side-by-side as they stared in nonplussed silence, Sirius still pointing excitedly at the air. They waited a few seconds.

"Wait for it," Sirius said. Nothing happened.

The three boys exchanged glances as Sirius continued to stand, pointing at nothing.

" _Right_. I'm going back to bed," James finally said, the other two boys nodding their agreement.

"No! No! _Watch_ ," Sirius whispered insistently, excitement dancing in his bloodshot eyes.

" _Sirius_ , wha-" James stopped as a human-like shape slowly began to materialize, the light from the window shining through its not-quite-solid form. His chin dropped.

The three wizards' eyes widened.

"What is it?" Peter whispered. James shook his head.

"A poltergeist," Remus said quietly, taking a step back. James and Peter followed suit.

Sirius nodded eagerly. "Very good, Remus. It took me much longer to figure that out. His name is Peeves. He prefers Peevsie though. I made him when I was practicing... _spellwork_ under James's cloak." He shot James a meaningful look.

"What?! That cloak is magic resistant, Sirius, that's dangerous!" Remus shouted.

"Yeah." He nodded adamantly in agreement. " _Very_ dangerous. I wouldn't recommend it. I've had quite a few close calls this week."

Remus's eyes widened. "What sort of magic were you trying to do that you needed it?"

James took a quick step closer, and coughed loudly. "Uh, he's really cool, Sirius," he spoke up in a rushed voice. He tilted his head as he studied the floating poltergeist. It was pale with black hair, grey eyes and wore Gryffindor robes. "He seems _oddly_ familiar."

Sirius smiled widely, nodding proudly. "That's because he's like me... Watch this." He started laughing wildly, and the poltergeist joined in, sounding eerily like him. " _See_? Isn't he fantastic? He wants to live with us!"

The poltergeist suddenly solidified and wrapped an arm around Sirius's shoulders casually and nodded. "Yes, I like it here," it said, speaking for itself.

Remus shook his head vehemently. "Sirius, poltergeists are just undirected magical mayhem. This is going to be a disaster."

Sirius rolled his eyes, the poltergeist mimicking him. "Do you think I'm thick? I gave him _missions_ , Remus. Tell them, Peevsie."

It nodded. "Yes. _Many_ missions. I will dedicate my life to accomplishing them." The poltergeist laughed loudly. " _Life_. Get it? Because I don't have one!" It cackled, its edges softening as it lifted up into the air and began to fly in circles around the dorm, causing loose parchment in the room to pick up and begin to swirl in a tornado-like fashion.

"What kind of missions did you give it?" James asked curiously.

Sirius smiled fondly at Peeves. "I told him to torture Filch and any of his helpers - and to play pranks on everyone. He really likes to pretend he stole your nose. Also, if he gets really bored he's allowed to make up songs. Everyone loves a good song!" He smiled manically, the poltergeist taking on the same smile quickly. "I already taught him one. Show him Peevsie."

"Wandering around at midnight, Ickle Firsties? Tut, tut, tut. Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty," he sang in a creepy voice as the papers began to pick up more speed, the four boys' hair beginning to rustle.

Sirius leaned closer to his friends. "And, he's promised to help us get away from Filch when we're out after curfew," he whispered. "He thinks Filch wants to destroy him." He grinned widely. "Perfect, yeah?"

"Nice." James nodded in an impresssed fashion.

"I will torture _all_ who stand in my way! I will be here _forever_!" Peeves shouted madly from the center of the room. Its eyes flashed bright, and then the papers turned to glass and exploded with a loud crashing noise. The four wizards covered their heads as sharp confetti fell all around them.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Isn't he great?"

Remus shook his head as he looked around at the glass-covered floor. "We have to tell Dumbledore. He isn't safe!"

The poltergeist's head jerked towards Remus at the words, his grey eyes lit like molten silver, and he began to float towards him slowly. "So... You want to destroy me too?"

Sirius jumped in front of the werewolf protectively, his arms spread out. "No. _No_ , he doesn't, Peevsie. Remus - Remus is just playing with you. He's a bit of a loon." The poltergeist stopped but narrowed its eyes skeptically, keeping them focused harshly on the werewolf. "Loopy Lupin, that's what they call him." Sirius forced a laugh, nodding in agreement with himself. "Loony Loopy Lupin. He only _pretends_ to be good so he won't get into trouble. He's very dedicated to it."

The poltergeist's eyes widened. "Ohhhh. _Good idea_." He shot the wizard behind Sirius a dark smile. "You're very clever Loopy Lupin." His eyes shifted to a bright orange. "Now, my eyes are like yours when you are transformed." He winked at the werewolf in a secretive fashion.

Remus nodded slowly, his expression one of shock and complete apprehension. "Yes. Uh. Thank you - _Peeves_."

The poltergeist turned away and floated over to Peter's trunk. It opened the lid and then proceeded to throw all the contents onto the floor while singing a song about napping and killing enemies.

James laughed and shook his head, patting an upset Peter on the back. "I'm going back to bed guys. Wake me when it's time for breakfast." He lifted his wand and made a clear trail to his bed, pushing the glass to either side.

Remus frowned as he watched the poltergeist work. "He's a little aggressive isn't he?"

Sirius laughed. "Yeah. He's from my magic, Remus. What did you expect? He's handsome too. Isn't he?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at the sandy blond beside him.

The poltergeist's form shifted, suddenly it was wearing expensive-looking dress robes. "Peevsie is very fancy. Just like Sirius Black." It winked at the wizards and then climbed into Peter's emptied trunk and pulled it shut.

Sirius grinned. "He's perfect."

* * *

"Sirius why was Peeves running from the Bloody Baron and screaming at lunch today?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders as he lay sprawled on his bed, exhausted from Quidditch practice. "The little bugger was driving me mad, following me everywhere all week. I was in the shower this morning, Peeves _right there_ with me, and the Bloody Baron drifted in. So, I just started screaming, 'Aghh! The Bloody Baron! He'll eat your soul! Run Peevsie!' And he booked it. Later when we were out on the pitch I told him the Bloody Baron wanted nothing more than to kill him, and that the blood on him was from past poltergeists that he had murdered. I think he's hiding in a closet somewhere on the fourth floor. I told him I thought our dorm was too obvious."

Remus shot him a look of disbelief as he stood in the middle of the room. "What are you going to do to get rid of him tomorrow? Tell him Moaning Myrtle is out to get him?"

Sirius rolled onto his side and flashed the sandy blond a wide smile. "Oh, no, already got that handled. I told him that we should keep our distance so nobody figures out he is connected to me, because then it would be easier to figure out how to destroy him." He laughed. "He's so gullible."

The werewolf furrowed his eyebrows. "And that worked? He seemed so attached to you."

Sirius nodded. "Oh, he _is_. I had to lie to him and tell him we could be together when I died. He seemed rather pleased with that. His little face just lit up. _Literally_." He shivered. "What a creepy bloke."

"What?" Remus asked in concern. "What if he tries to kill you?"

"He wouldn't do that." Sirius frowned and then rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. "Probably not." His frown deepened. "Maybe I should give him more missions to distract him. Tell him Snivelly's life goal is to destroy him with a potion or something... That should keep him distracted."

"You can't do that. What if Snape stops brewing?"

Sirius scoffed, "That greasy git? Peeves won't deter him. If anything, Snivelly will become a Potions Master and then teach here his entire life just to spite the little guy."

* * *

"Mr. Black. Mr. Potter."

Sirius and James looked up from their seats in History of Magic. Professor McGonagall was standing, holding the door open at the back of the classroom.

"The headmaster would like a word with you two." She pursed her lips and dipped her chin, looking sternly at the two boys over her glasses.

* * *

"Sir, always good to see you," James greeted the headmaster as he and Sirius walked into the old wizard's office.

"Mr. Potter," the wizard said warmly and then turned his gaze to the other wizard. "Sirius."

He smiled widely at the familiar greeting and gave a slight bow of the head. "Dumbledore, a pleasure as always."

Sirius walked with James over to the two red chairs and sat down in front of the Headmaster's desk.

"Cockroach cluster?" Dumbledore offered amiably as he sat down in his seat, motioning to a gold dish sitting on his desk.

Sirius and James both leaned over and eyed the brown candies before leaning back into their chairs and shaking their heads politely.

The old wizard nodded slowly. "Do you two know why you are here today?"

James and Sirius exchanged glances before James spoke up, "Is it because we both scored perfectly on the last Transfiguration and DADA tests?"

Dumbledore smiled, his eyes dancing with quiet mirth. "No, unfortunately not. Today Mr. Filch came to me," he paused and then waved his hand, and the door to his office swung open again. "Come in, Argus," he said in a genial voice.

The castle's caretaker stalked into the room. "Him," he growled, pointing straight at Sirius, who's eyebrows raised in innocent surprise. " _He_ is the culprit."

Sirius looked back to the headmaster with wide eyes. "Sir?"

"Don't let him fool you, Headmaster. He's pure _evil_ , I tell you! It's the only way he could have made such an abomination! It's because he's a blasted Bl-"

"-That's enough, Argus," the headmaster said sharply, cutting the man's tirade short. He sighed and then looked at the two young wizards, his gaze settling on Sirius. "Mr. Filch claims that you conjured a poltergeist with your magic. The problem with this claim however is that it requires an object that can contain and compress magic." He shot Sirius a level look. "Do you _own_ such an object, Sirius?"

Sirius pressed his lips together for a moment and then shook his head slowly. "No, Sir, I do not," he answered simply.

Dumbledore studied him for a moment and then smiled warmly and nodded. "He is telling the truth, Argus. So you see it was not Mr. Black after all."

"Then who was it? It kept talking about him! And I've never seen it before last night, Headmaster. I would remember that wretched troublemaker! It burned all my detention slips and poured chocolate pudding in all my drawers! _And_ I found Mr. Norris in a closed toilet in the boys' third floor bathroom!"

Sirius and James sat quietly, their mouths twitching as they held back a response.

Dumbledore nodded sagely and then turned his chair to face the wall of paintings containing Hogwarts' past headmasters. "Have any of you ever seen or heard of a poltergeist on school grounds?" he asked curiously.

The paintings began to whisper amongst each other, a few walking out of their canvases and over to another's to discuss the question.

"Phineas," the headmaster said in a raised voice.

A painting of a sleeping wizard, with pale skin and black hair roused slowly. He blinked lazily and eyed the current headmaster coolly before his gaze flitted to the other occupants of the room. "Yes, Dumbledore?" he asked flatly.

The old wizard smiled genially. "So sorry to bother you, but could you tell me if you've ever heard of a _poltergeist_ on school grounds?"

The wizard tilted his head to the side, a look of distaste apparent on his features. He sniffed. "Yes. Now that you _mention_ it. I remember that one came with the castle when it was built in 993," he said, rolling his eyes afterward and shooting the headmaster a grumpy glare. " _Now_ , may I go back to my nap?"

Dumbledore nodded. "But of course. Thank you for your help."

"Anything to help clear the name of my dear great-great-grandson," the painting said in a slow drawl, his expression one of complete indifference. He then leaned his head back and closed his eyes, seemingly falling back to sleep immediately.

The headmaster turned back around, his blue eyes twinkling as he smiled happily at a relieved James and Sirius and then a livid caretaker. "Have no fear, Argus. I am _sure_ since he has been so quiet this long he will not cause too much mayhem."

* * *

"Did you see Filch's face?" Sirius asked, laughing exuberantly as he and James made their way towards the Black Lake, having decided they shouldn't interrupt Professor Binns with their re-entrance to his class.

"Yeah, he's so angry," James laughed. He plopped down into the grass, Sirius following suit. "So, have you made any progress on your patronus under the cloak?" he asked offhandedly as he looked down at a blade of grass he was tearing into shreds. "Peter finally got it last night. I worked with him in the dorm for two hours straight while you were practicing, and Remus was out studying at the library."

Sirius nodded. He pulled out his wand. "I did actually," he said with a grin. "Would you care to see it?"

James pushed himself upright excitedly. " _Really_? That's fantastic. What animal is it?"

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek, his mood dipping somewhat. "Well, actually it's only a beam right now, but I'm close. I can feel it. And, I can intensify my magic and hold it now without the cloak."

James nodded encouragingly. "That's great, Sirius. Why don't you try it again?"

The tall wizard stood up hesitantly. "Yeah, all right." He swallowed hard as he concentrated on building his magic, trying to ignore the anxiety that always came with the effort. He felt his magic begin to wane. He clenched his jaw. _It'll be fine. I won't lose my light magic. Remus said it was rubbish._ He felt the magic in his body begin to grow again. He held it in as it tried to escape. He began to run through different memories, trying to find one that would work as his eyes began to darken.

He and his three friends sitting in the dorm and laughing as they ate candy. Going to the Potter house for Christmas. James and him flying for the first time. He and Remus looking at the werewolf book together. He and James pranking Snape. Remus laughing at his jokes. Remus asking to kiss him and then pressing his lips against Sirius's, and his soft smile as he pulled away.

Sirius felt a sudden warmth flood his chest, making him feel like he could fly if he wanted. He lifted his wand. " _Expecto Patronum_!"


	25. Chapter 25

"Hey Sirius, what're you doing up here?"

Sirius glanced up to see Remus walking into the dorm, a Potions book in his hand. The tall wizard pulled his undone tie from around his neck. "Getting ready to go meet Evans's friend," he said, dropping the striped piece of crimson and gold on top his bed. He'd agreed to spend Valentine's with the witch with the plan to take her to the library to crash Remus and Lily's study date. He looked back up at the werewolf as he began to unbutton his shirt. "Didn't you say you were going to the library tonight?"

Remus set his book on his nightstand and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Yeah, but Lily just told me she couldn't make it." He paused, looking over at the wizard. "She said something about spending time with McKenna instead... Are you sure you two had plans?"

Sirius's fingers stilled in their work, and he held back a smile. She had finally caved. "Ah, you know what - I think you're right, I must've gotten my days confused." He strolled over and settled down on the bed's edge beside his friend. "What do you say we do something?"

"All right," Remus said, but then he sat quietly for a moment. "Sirius, you didn't... you didn't _do_ anything to Lily, did you?" he asked in an unsure voice.

"Me? _No_. I haven't pranked her for more than two weeks. Why do you ask?" he said quickly.

Remus looked up at him. "It's just - after she said she couldn't study with me tonight she walked off, muttering some pretty harsh things about you."

Sirius blinked. "That's odd. Maybe she has a secret crush on McKenna." He smiled sweetly at his friend.

Remus's eyes narrowed. "Sirius - you and I - we're just friends. You know that, right?"

The dark-haired wizard's smile grew, he winked and scooted closer. " _Of course_."

The sandy blond frowned. "No, what I mean is... what happened before Christmas break between us and before," he paused, looking down to study his lap before continuing, "us _kissing_... It was a mistake. We can't do that anymore."

And Sirius felt like something very heavy dropped into his stomach. Remus looked up, shooting the wizard a careful look.

Sirius cleared his throat and spoke up quickly, "Yeah, sure, Remus, if that's what you want. That's fine." He stood up abruptly and walked over to his trunk, his body humming with unidentifiable emotions.

"It is?" Remus asked uncertainly. "It's just, your friendship... it means a _lot_ to me, and I don't want to do anything that might ruin it."

Sirius turned away as he stomped down the emotions that were threatening to make their way to the surface. What did it matter if Remus didn't want to kiss him? He had plenty of options. Remus probably did too. Did Remus want to kiss someone else? He shook his head, and a dry laugh escaped his lips as he leaned over, flung open his trunk and then began to search through its contents. "I'm not sure how you think _kissing_ would ruin it," he said distractedly, pulling out a stack of shirts and setting them on the floor. Where was it? He knew it had to be here.

"Because us doing that... I just think maybe you've misunderstood how things _are_ between us," the sandy blond hedged.

Sirius looked up at that, his hands stilling. "And how are they, Remus?" he asked, coolly.

Remus looked down. "You're upset, aren't you?"

Sirius forced out another laugh, drawing his friend's attention back up. He rolled his eyes. "No, my ego is a bit bruised though." He grinned easily, the werewolf shooting him an unconvinced look. "Remus, listen, if there's _anyone_ to be concerned about here, it's you. You're clearly a bloody romantic." He shook his head in mock disappointment.

Remus laughed quietly at that, shaking his head slightly, his expression still tense. Sirius's eyes lit up when he found what he had been searching for. He picked up the mostly-full bottle containing the remainder of firewhiskey they still had from his birthday. He stood up, holding it by his side.

Remus frowned. "What's that for?" he asked, eyeing the bottle of alcohol warily.

Sirius grinned. "To drink. Geez, Lupin, I have no clue how you manage such high marks," he joked. He eyed Remus, noting the stubborn set of his jaw and crossed arms. "You see, I _was_ going to ask you if you wanted to snog, but seeing as how that's not an option anymore we might as well get pissed up together. Unless you've already seen the error of your ways that is..." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Remus laughed and shook his head, looking more relaxed as he stood up. "You're such a git, Black," he said.

Sirius walked over and wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders. "You say the nicest things to me, Moony. Come on, let's go find James and Peter."

* * *

" _Sirius Black_!"

Sirius spun around at the shouted words and stumbled to the side, almost falling over the back of an unnoticed sofa. He found himself leaning halfway over the sneaky piece of stuffed furniture, not able to push himself up. "That's my name," he stated with a wide grin.

Remus shook his head, a laugh escaping alcohol-loosened lips. "It definitely is," he agreed as he wrapped an arm around his friend and helped him into a more upright position.

Sirius slung his arm around Remus's neck as he stood beside him in the Gryffindor common room. "And you're Remus Lu-upin." He tilted his chin down closer. "The _Moonster_ ," he whispered into his ear roughly.

Remus laughed, and he tried to push him away, the tall wizard leaning his face into his hand instead.

"Are you two _drunk_?"

Sirius lifted his head to find a familiar scowl pointed at him. "Oh, Evans and - and - and..." His mind drew a blank, and he started laughing again.

Lily stood with an upset McKenna by her side. She curled back her lip in disgust at the taller wizard and then shifted her gaze to Remus, shooting him a look of disappointment. "Remus, what are you doing? _Drinking_ and with _him_?" she asked, motioning in distaste at a grinning Sirius.

"Ahhhh," Remus paused and looked over to Sirius, who was still draped around him.

Sirius shook his head sloppily. "She's right. You _disgust_ me, Lupin." He shot the wizard a look of reproach. Remus's lips twitched, appearing to be fighting a smile, but lost and began snickering. Sirius shot Lily a pleased smile. "What-what can we do for you two _witches_?" the tall wizard asked slowly, trying to sound suave but failing.

"Sirius," Mckenna finally spoke up from Lily's side. "Someone told me that you are seeing someone else," she said unhappily.

Sirius sighed. "Oh yeah?"

The witch took a step forward. "Yes, Evie Greengrass, a Slytherin fourth-year. Is this true?" she asked, her voice sounding somewhat angry.

Sirius stood upright, his arm still around a quiet Remus. "Evie? We hang out, yeah."

The witch frowned. "Well, you'll have to choose one of us. I'm _not_ okay with that." She put her hands on her hips, looking very sure of herself.

Sirius nodded in understanding. "All right. Her." He started to turn Remus around. "Let's go before James catches up to us," he whispered in his friend's ear.

" _Remus_!"

Sirius held back a curse. The werewolf turned slowly back around, bringing a clingy Sirius with him.

"Yeah, Lily?" the sandy blond asked, his voice sounding pained.

Lily was standing alone, her best friend running up the stairs to their dorm. "How could you let him talk to her like that?"

"Lily," Remus said in a tired voice, "I can't tell Sirius what to do. He didn't lie to her."

Lily's chin dropped. "You're taking up for him?" she asked in complete disbelief.

"Of course he is, _Evans,_ we're best mates," Sirius said haughtily, not able to keep the dislike for the witch out of his voice.

"Sirius," Remus said quietly in a warning tone, "Be nice."

"I _am_ being nice, Moony. She's being mean to _me_ ," he whined back, his mouth close to the werewolf's ear. The thought of licking it took up root in his mind as he stared at it. His tongue reached out and ran up the werewolf's ear.

Remus let out a laugh and smacked the wizard's face away. "Stop that you mangy mutt."

Sirius grinned apologetically and laid his head on Remus's shoulder. "Sorry Remus, I'll be good." He rubbed the side of his face against the wizard's shirt and breathed in his scent deeply, Remus shivering when he exhaled on his neck.

Lily watched the two boys with widening green eyes, and then a soft gasp fell from parted lips. " _No_. It's... There's just, there's just _no_ way."

"What's that?" Remus asked curiously.

Sirius looked over to the clearly shocked witch and smiled knowingly, his white teeth putting themselves on full display. "Yeah. Something wrong, Evans?"

She glared darkly at him for a second and then looked back over to Remus with a soft smile. She took a step closer to the sandy blond. "Remus, I've been meaning to ask you. Would you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?"

Sirius stiffened.

"Ah, I don't know, Lily. I, uh-"

"He can't. He's going with me," Sirius said suddenly, cutting him off, as James and Peter walked into the common room.

Remus glanced over at his friend in surprise. "Oh yeah, I am. We, uh-" And then his eyes flitted over alighting on their two dorm-mates, who were covered in a green slimy-looking substance. "Gotta go!" he said abruptly and took off, Sirius running on his heels, the two wizards laughing as they ran up the steps.

* * *

Sirius and Remus breathed heavily, as they leaned against the door to their dorm.

"How much you want to bet James is trying to hit on Evans like that? Maybe we should go back for them," Sirius said with a grin.

Remus shook his head, pushing himself off the door and walking unsteadily towards his bed. "I say we let them sleep in the common room," he said self-righteously, stumbling out of his shoes and laughing as he ran into one of the posts of his bed. "It serves them right."

Sirius laughed as he worked to unbutton his shirt, and he pulled it off, dropping it on the floor on the way to his trunk. The wizard stopped, standing in only his slacks, and he swayed slightly as he searched for a pair of sleeping pants in his trunk. "Ah ha," he said, picking up a pair of hunter green pants and dropping his slacks where he stood.

"Sirius! You should warn me before you do that!" Remus admonished his friend as he turned away from the changing wizard.

"You live with me, Remus, it's a privilege very few have." He pulled on green pants and strolled over to Remus's bed, forgoing a top. He flashed a rakish grin at his friend.

"Has anyone ever told you you're full of yourself?" Remus asked drowsily as he fumbled with the buttons on his own shirt, having already put on pajama pants.

Sirius brushed his hands away and began to unbutton the werewolf's shirt for him. "Yeah. All the time," he said, his voice lowering as he finished undoing the last button. He nudged the shirt open slowly and looked down at the wizard's exposed skin. He sucked in a breath, his eyes roaming over smooth skin that was marked with tempting scars. He licked his lips, wetting them, his blood singing loudly in his veins.

Remus pulled back and turned away, tossing the shirt on top of his bed. He moved to grab a sleeping one from his trunk when Sirius grabbed his shoulders from behind. "It's hot, you don't need one," he said quietly, his voice uneven as his hands rested on skin that was a few shades darker than his.

Remus nodded and turned back to him. "Yeah, you're right. Night, Sirius," he said softly, his words hesitant as he looked to his own bed.

"Can I sleep with you?" Sirius asked.

" _What_?" Remus's face had jerked back and was staring up at him in alarm.

Sirius smiled slowly. "You have a dirty mind, Remus."

Remus looked away, shaking his head in obvious embarrassment. "No, I. I mean. It's fine." He climbed into his bed without further explanation.

Sirius crawled in next to his friend, pulling the curtains shut behind him, and settled on his side beside the wizard, the light from the room sneaking in above the pulled drapes. He wrapped an arm across the sandy blond's chest, and he shifted a little closer. "This is nice," he murmured.

"Yeah," Remus said with a slight nod as he stared up at the dark ceiling far above, and then he added, hesitantly, "Sirius, you won't try anything, right?"

"Like what?" Sirius asked innocently.

"Ah. I - I. Like... You won't touch me. Right?"

"I'm _already_ touching you, Remus," he corrected the wizard playfully, drumming his fingers on the werewolf's side to prove his point.

"No. I mean-uh-well-you _know_ what I mean." Remus cleared his throat.

Sirius grinned. "I'm not sure I do _actually_."

Remus made an agitated noise and then spoke up, "Like - _down there_ , Sirius. Don't touch it."

Grey eyes widened and all blood flow shot south. Sirius licked his lips as two words in the werewolf's voice ran through his mind on a loop. "All right, I won't," he said as his body decided it wanted to make a liar out of him and do the exact opposite. "Can I ask why?" he asked politely.

Remus snorted and then let out a heavy breath. "I just. You're quite affectionate sometimes is all, and we've... I just wanted to clarify what other than snogging is _too_ affectionate for - for a friend is all."

Sirius grinned and placed a kiss on his friend's bare shoulder. "You're so funny, Remus." He began to run his fingertips along the wizard's stomach idly.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus asked slowly, his chest beginning to rise and fall more quickly.

"Not touching you _down there_ ," Sirius murmured and then trailed his index along a new scar on his chest that he had been eyeing since he'd lay down. "I like your skin," he said softly, voicing his thoughts aloud. Remus's breath hitched, making Sirius's lips cock up at the corners at the sound. There were a lot of things he liked about his friend really.

"I like to snog you too." It was too bad they couldn't do that anymore, because he _really_ didn't want him to snog anyone else. The thought made his chest itch, and he pulled the wizard closer to ease its discomfort, nuzzling in the crook of his neck. "I don't want to share you, Remus."

"Sirius..."

"I like you," he whispered - and then Sirius froze, shocked at the words that had come out of his own mouth. _What_?

" _What_?" Remus asked, his voice sounding startled as he echoed Sirius's thoughts unknowingly.

Sirius let out a surprised breath of a laugh as the words rung completely true in his startled mind, because he did. He liked Remus. "I like you, Moony. I mean - _really_ like you," he said, a smile tugging at his lips as the realization caused his chest to fill with a comforting warmth. How had he not seen it before? It made so-

"No. Sirius, you _don't._ You don't, you don't mean that. Not really." Remus pushed himself into a sitting position abruptly. "You're jus-"

"Yes I _do_ ," Sirius insisted, sitting up quickly and meeting his friend's wide gaze. "Remus, I can prove it - my patronus. _It was you_."

I... _I'm sorry?_ " Remus asked, agitated, sandy brows pulling in.

Sirius leaned forward, his intense gaze locked with Remus's unsure one. "My patronus, I've been working on it for weeks, and I got it the other day, and you were my happy thought, Remus. Nothing else would work," he said insistently, the memory causing the warmth in his chest to grow even more.

Remus blinked and then he began to shake his head slowly. "That's just because we're _friends_ , Sirius," he said.

"No." Sirius shook his head firmly, his gaze growing more intense. "No, it's _not_. James didn't work," he said, shifting unconsciously closer.

Remus blinked again. He spoke, his tone more nervous, "Well, that's... that's probably because you didn't-"

" _No,_ " Sirius cut him off swiftly. "It was _us_. You and me, Remus. Together. I _want_ to be with you... as more than friends," he said, and then he waited for the sandy blond to respond, his mind buzzing and muscles tense with anticipation as he searched his friend's features for an answer.

"Sirius..." Remus let out a slow breath, his expression unreadable.

"Yeah Remus?" he asked quickly, his chest filling with hope as the buzzing in his mind grew dizzyingly.

Remus shook his head slowly, looking straight into the wizard's grey eyes. "I _can't_."

Sirius stared at his friend in disbelief, his mind feeling like it had come to a grinding halt. "What?"

Remus continued to shake his head. "I can't - I can't be with you, not like that. I'm sorry-"

" _Why not_?" he asked _sharply_ , frustration muddling his already sluggish thoughts further. Remus was turning him down. He tried to ignore the sudden hollowness in his chest, that was quickly making way for another emotion.

"You're... Sirius, first off, we're _friends_ ," Remus replied, as if the wizard had forgotten it.

Pitch dark brows pushed down at the increasingly annoying word. "Yeah. _So_?"

"Second," Remus stopped and then said slowly, "You like _everyone_ , Sirius."

"No, I bloody don't." He shook his head adamantly. " _Only_ you, Remus. I only like _you."_

Hazel eyes shifted back down at that, breaking contact with intense grey ones. "Third," he continued in an even quieter voice, "you're just... I don't know - worked up right now or something is all. You don't actually mean any of this."

Sirius's jaw clenched. " _Don't_ tell me what I mean."

Remus reached out a hand and placed it on his friend's tensed arm, his hazel eyes soft with apology. "Sirius, I'm sorry, but it wouldn't work, you have to know that too. And there's also-"

" _No._ " Sirius pulled back from the unwanted touch, Remus's hand dropping slowly. "No, I don't want to hear _any more_ of your reasons, Lupin. Forget I _ever_ said it."

He shoved himself off the bed and stalked over to his own, ignoring his friend's calls as he pulled the curtains firmly shut behind himself, a whirlwind of unpleasant emotions attacking him.

* * *

"Hello there, Evans. I must say, you look _absolutely_ stunning today. Is that a new skirt?"

"Go away."

James stood looking completely bemused, Sirius standing beside him snorting and laughing into his arm as he pretended to rub at his face.

" _Why_ would you say that to me?" James demanded angrily, causing Sirius's laughs to increase in both volume and intensity.

"Potter, you're thicker than you look if you have to ask me that." Lily sat in the grass by the Black Lake with a group of her friends, glaring accusingly at the wild-haired wizard.

"But - but, I haven't done anything to you in _ages_!" James exclaimed.

"What about Severus?" Lily asked calmly, her eyes dancing with anger as she lifted one eyebrow.

James opened his mouth, then closed it. He opened it again and then closed it once more.

"That's what I thought. I _hate_ you, Potter, almost as much as I hate Black," she said harshly.

"But-"

"But _nothing_. Now, leave me alone."

James's parted lips snapped together, pressing in a tight line, and he glared down at the witch. " _Fine_. But, you're missing out," he said and stalked off, Sirius by his side. "I don't need that witch," he huffed.

Sirius patted him on the shoulder in a consoling fashion. "That's the spirit."

James shook his head as he began to walk more quickly. "Who does she think she is? I could get another witch _easily_."

"Quite true." Sirius nodded as they continued on, stopping to sit under a tree once his friend had decided that they were far away enough from the red-headed witch.

James frowned, his gaze shifting to the ground in front of him. "I bet she likes Remus anyway. She's always asking him to go to the library and to Hogsmeade."

Sirius ignored the discomfort in his chest. "Probably."

James looked over at him in surprise. "Sirius, you're supposed to be trying to make me feel better. Not worse!"

The tall wizard shrugged his shoulders and dropped onto his back, settling into the cool, soft grass. He looked up at the leaves. "Sorry, Mate," he said quietly.

James moved over, settling down next to his best friend. "You okay? You've seemed a bit down the past few weeks."

Sirius didn't answer.

"Are you and Remus fighting?"

"No." Sirius held back a frown. He knew he'd been being cold with the sandy blond the past couple months... but he found he didn't really care.

"You know," James said, pausing as he studied the dark branches above them. "I guess I shouldn't have been _so_ surprised by Evans just now. I heard her just the other day call us - you, me, Peter and well... probably just us - a group of marauding arseholes. Granted that _was_ right after we'd dropped that mold growing potion on Snivelly in Potions. But, you know.."

Sirius nodded slightly. " _Marauding_?"

"It means going out just to search for something to steal or someone to attack... I asked Remus," he said, adding the last part when Sirius looked over in surprise.

Sirius laughed. "Ah. It's quite fitting actually."

James joined in begrudingly. "Yeah. I suppose it is."

Sirius shifted slightly when a tall blade of grass poked at his neck sharply. "My parents wrote today," he said, and he sighed. "Looks like I can't visit this summer."

James made a low humming noise. "That's too bad."

Sirius stared up at the leaves, watching them shake in the breeze, the sunlight peeking through as gaps were made in the canopy. Summer break. He could only hope the next two months drug on forever.


	26. Chapter 26

"Sirius, hey, can I join you?"

Sirius rolled onto his back to see Remus in a white t-shirt and a pair of navy pajama pants, holding the curtains to his bed open. He considered telling him no, but then he noticed the openly nervous expression his friend was trying hard to hide by looking around their dark dorm as he waited for a response.

The tall wizard pushed himself up and then shifted back until he was sitting, resting against his pillows. "Yeah, all right," he said quietly, glancing around the sandy blond to find James and Peter's curtains both pulled.

Remus climbed in, letting crimson drapes fall completely shut as he settled down at the foot of the wizard's bed. He pulled his legs towards his chest, wrapping his arms loosely around them. "Thanks."

Sirius ran a hand up to his hair as he nodded, smoothing mussed black locks down, waiting for the wizard to say something else. Remus let out a heavy breath.

Sirius licked suddenly dry lips as he sat alone with the wizard for the first time in months. "So, uh, did you want to talk about something, or have you just missed my bed?" he said with an uncomfortable laugh, and when Remus didn't respond right away, he continued on to fill the awkward silence, his voice coming out tense despite his best efforts, "I wouldn't blame you, it _is_ the coziest bed in the dorm. Pete's is covered in crumbs all the time, and James's smells like old sweat from where he doesn't shower right after Quidditch."

Remus quirked a small smile at that, hazel eyes shifting up and meeting his. "And what about mine?" he asked, his voice sounding tired and something else the dark-haired wizard couldn't quite pinpoint.

Sirius felt his heart skip a beat in his chest. Remus's bed was off limits. At least, he had mentally made it so since the middle of February. "Ah, well," he said, with only the slightest hesitance, "it's a close second, but mine has a cushioning charm I added to it you see."

Remus nodded his head. "Is that what that is? I always wondered." He smiled to himself, but the expression quickly disappeared. "But, no, that's not why, I, uh..." He looked down at his knees.

Sirius waited. His and Remus's interactions had been exceedingly strained ever since Valentine's Day, and there were only two days left until they would take the train back to the Platform of Nine and Three Quarters, and summer break would begin.

He cleared his throat as he ran a hand roughly through his hair, messing it again. He didn't want to be at odds with Remus - well - at least he hadn't wanted to be for the past month, before that he'd been quite content with it and unapologetically so. No, he missed Remus sorely even if the sandy blond didn't feel the same way towards him. He just didn't know how to interact with him anymore.

"Sirius, I'm sorry," Remus finally spoke up, drawing the dark-haired wizard from his musings, his voice quiet as he continued to stare at his knees. "I'm sorry about what happened in February."

Sirius swallowed hard around a sudden lump forming in his chest, emotions resurfacing that he preferred to not deal with, and so he ignored them even as they persisted to make it hard to breathe and for him to think as clearly as he'd like. He spoke up.

"For what, not fancying me?" He laughed loudly, a surge of unexpected anger forcing the noise out of his lungs rather forcefully but not succeeding in tainting its tone. He cursed himself mentally. He was going to make things worse. He needed to just let it go if he didn't want to lose his friend.

"Remus, don't be so bloody thick, you didn't do anything wrong." He rubbed at his bare shoulder and upper arm as he watched his friend continue to stare down forlornly. "Honestly. You did me a favor, I should be thanking you."

Remus looked up and then blinked slowly. "I'm sorry?"

Sirius forced a cheeky grin. "Yeah, I mean can you imagine _me_ in a relationship?" He shook his head, huffing a laugh, as if the thought were completely absurd while his chest ached traitorously. "It's just not natural."

Remus sat quietly for a moment. "Oh, well... you're okay with it then?" he asked, quietly.

Sirius forced a nod as his head tried to move itself in a more horizontal direction. "Of course."

Remus looked at him in a manner that led the Black heir to think he wasn't completely convinced. "Then why have you been so distant the past few months?"

Sirius gave a small shrug. "I thought that's what you'd want," he said, only half-lying. Rejection ached like a stubborn wound in his chest, and he looked away when he felt the urge to profess his feelings again. He needed to move on.

"You were wrong."

Sirius looked back over in an unsure manner.

Remus shook his head. "You're one of my closest friends, I'd never want that. Not  _Ever_."

Sirius nodded slightly, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he thought. He'd missed his friend more than he had expected to. James was like a brother to him, and he couldn't imagine ever losing his friendship without also losing a good portion of his sanity.

But Remus... Remus was the only person he felt who truly understood him. He needed him, and if he only wanted him as a friend that would have to be enough. He forced an impish smile for his waiting friend. "Well, good. Because, I don't know if I could actually ever leave you alone _permanently_. I'd probably just take to stalking you."

Remus laughed at that, and he shook his head. "That's a bit creepy, Sirius," he said with a grin.

Sirius grinned back at him, the expression more genuine. "Yeah, well, I'm a creepy bloke, Remus." He picked up his second pillow and tossed it down to his friend, hitting him in the chest. "Care to enjoy my bed?"

Remus placed the pillow down behind him. "Sure. Maybe you could show me which cushioning charm you used?"

"I don't know, then you might not visit anymore," he replied glibly, earning him a choice nickname from the sandy blond. He settled down on his side, Remus's feet ending up in front of his face. He smiled mischievously and wiggled his own sock-covered toes.

"Stop that."

Sirius laughed, happiness joining the set of emotions that had decided to plague him with the werewolf's presence and making it feel slightly more bearable. "I remember why we stopped laying like this now."

Remus hummed thoughtfully. "I always just thought it was because you're an insatiable cuddler."

Sirius laughed again. He sat up, grabbing his pillow and then moved down to the bottom of his bed. He smiled at his friend, who was eyeing him apprehensively as he settled down beside him. "G'night, Remus," he said simply and placed a kiss on the boy's cheek before forcing himself to pull back and move out of touching distance, closing his eyes. He could just be friends.

"Night, Sirius."

* * *

Sirius stepped off the train and began to search the crowd of people immediately for a family member. His gaze landed on a wizard, who was standing with no one in his immediate vicinity, despite being in the middle of the waiting group. He noticed wizards and witches alike discreetly eyeing the man warily, their suspicious gazes shifting to him as he approached.

"Father, it's good to see you," Sirius greeted the man, with whom he was almost eye-level, ignoring the uncomfortable stares they were garnering.

"Your mother is not feeling well," the wizard responded in greeting, his cool grey eyes sweeping the platform. "Where are your friends?"

Sirius swallowed. "Ah, James is somewhere around here," he said, shooting his gaze around the area quickly. His eyes landed on Greg Zabini, who had just stopped only a couple yards away to greet an older witch, his mother, if her looks were any indication. He lifted a hand in greeting when the Slytherin looked in his direction.

"Hey Sirius," Greg called as he began walking towards him. He shared a grin with Sirius before looking to Orion. "Mr. Black, it's a pleasure to meet you, Greg Zabini," the wizard said smoothly, offering his hand.

The man reached out a hand and shook it silently, his expression one of interest. "You are Arthur and Selena's son?" he asked.

Greg nodded. "Yes, Sir, I-"

"Gregory, why did you- _Oh_ , Orion, hello." The witch, who Sirius had thought Greg's mother stood beside the Slytherin, a polite smile accompanying her greeting.

"Selena," the wizard greeted with his usual coolness, but then a smile crept up the corners of his mouth before disappearing.

Greg took a step away from his mother and towards Sirius discreetly.

The witch moved forward, filling her son's space. "I was so sorry to hear about Phineas, I know you two were close."

Orion blinked. "Yes, Walburga's uncle and I were very close when I was younger. It was an unfortunate loss." The witch nodded knowingly and then proceeded to ask after the rest of the Black family.

A smile played at Sirius's lips as he took a couple steps back, Greg following suit as the wizard and witch shifted to talking about recent events in the wizarding world.

Sirius's gaze flicked down to Greg's body as he stood beside him. The wizard was wearing black slacks and a fitted black shirt. His smile grew. He shifted closer and leaned towards the wizard's ear. "You look rather good in black, Gregory," he whispered cheekily.

An amused smile crept up the Slytherin's lips. He turned to look at him. "What're your plans this summer?"

Sirius thought for a moment. "Not a lot. My father is planning on introducing me to the family business, seeing as how I'll 'be an adult in just over two years' time,'" he said, resisting the urge to use finger quotations or roll his eyes in the man's presence.

Greg nodded, chocolate eyes dancing with knowing amusement. "You should come stay with us for a bit. My older brother is going to be away all summer, he's staying with a friend."

Sirius nodded. His gaze flicked over to his father, who surprisingly appeared to be talking rather amiably with Greg's mother. "That sounds nice."

"Good, because I'm pretty sure my mother is about to ask your father," Greg said with a quiet laugh. Sirius glanced over to see the witch indeed offering the invitation.

"What a generous offer, I'm sure Sirius would like that." Orion looked to his son.

Sirius nodded quickly. "Yes, thank you, Mrs. Zabini. It would be my pleasure."

Orion nodded. "Very well. We will set something up by owl."

* * *

"The Zabinis? I will _not_ have him there."

Sirius stared down at his plate, his hand clenching around the gold fork in its grip at the sound of his mother's intensifying protests. It was only his third day home and already he missed school. And his friends. He took a bite of something, not caring enough to check.

Orion chewed slowly as he gazed coolly at the openly angry witch. "You do not have a say, dear wife. I have already told Selena he will visit."

Sirius glanced over at his mother as he took another bite. She was glaring darkly at his father, who was taking a sip of wine in a completely unaffected manner.

"He should be spending the summer with the Greengrasses," she retorted sharply.

Orion set down his glass and motioned for a house elf to take away his salad plate before responding. "It is good for him to make more than _one_ Slytherin connection, Walburga," he said, more slowly, the tone carrying a warning in it.

Sirius looked back down.

"What does it matter?" she spat, either not noticing the wizard's growing irritation or not caring. "Regulus will be there once school starts, and it will be of _no_ concern. _He_ will not let us down." She shot her younger son a sweet smile.

The youngest wizard nodded eagerly as Sirius averted his gaze, resisting the urge to kick him.

Orion set down his fork, his jaw set. "Regulus is _not_ Sirius." He held up his hand to stop the witch from speaking when she started to respond.

He continued, his tone growing more harsh with each statement, " _Sirius_ is the heir. _Sirius_ is going to lead the family. _Sirius_ is what is important. _Now..._ this conversation is _over_." Orion's eyes glittered darkly. "Do you _understand?"_

The witch blinked, the anger in her eyes receding quickly as another emotion took its place. Her gaze shifted down, and she responded quietly in a mollifying tone, "Yes Orion, I understand. Forgive me."

The tall wizard took a moment and then turned to his eldest, his voice back to its usual coolness when he spoke, "I will be taking you to the Zabini Estate tomorrow, Sirius. Make sure you have everything ready tonight for a month's stay. We will leave first thing after breakfast."

Sirius nodded. "Yes, Father," he said politely, holding back an eager grin that he feared might make the wizard reconsider his decision. He took a bite of the just arrived soup, his mind already planning for his quick departure from Twelve Grimmauld Place.

* * *

"Sirius, you're here," Greg greeted the wizard happily as he pushed himself off the sofa he'd just been lying on, looking rather bored. He stood in a pair of khaki shorts and a fitted white t-shirt.

Sirius laughed as he walked through the wide archway, his house elf behind him in the hall speaking to one of the Zabini house elves to get directions to Sirius's temporary room before promptly disappearing with a _crack_. "Yes, my mother wasn't overly pleased for some reason though," he said casually as he smoothed his hair down, his gaze flitting around the unfamiliar family room. His father had said his goodbye in the sitting room and then sent him on so he could speak to Greg's mother.

The room was two stories high, with light greyish blue walls and tall windows with sheer white drapes framing them. The large area was sparingly furnished with sleek, dark brown leather seating and iron wrought glass-top tables, silver vases with enchanted everlasting roses adorning them. The floors were a light honey-colored hardwood, and french glass doors led to a stone balcony that overlooked expansive grounds.

Greg nodded. "I'll show you around a bit, and then take you to your room so you can get settled in."

Sirius grinned. "Splendid. Speaking of rooms... are ours nearby each others by chance?" he asked in a nonchalant manner.

"They are. Why do you ask?" Greg responded lightly as he returned the grin and began to make his way to the doorway, Sirius walking beside him.

"I have nightmares sometimes, I may require comforting," he replied in kind. Greg laughed.

* * *

"I think my dog is in love with you. She hasn't left your side for the past week."

Sirius lay stretched out lazily on his back atop Greg's bed, the wizard's Doberman lying loyally at his feet. The two wizards had spent most of the day flying brooms over the grounds, having just gotten back in time to eat. His gaze shifted to Greg, who was standing by an oversized cherry dresser, changing for dinner.

Sirius watched with interest as the wizard pulled off his t-shirt, exposing smooth dark skin. "Well, my patronus _is_ a dog. So, I guess if I ever become an animagus we could be together," he said in an even voice, his gaze running over the wizard's tone back when he turned around to grab a top from his dresser.

Greg let out a loud laugh. "Stay away from my dog, Black," he said as he pulled on a plain t-shirt over his head and then walked over to his closet to get a button up shirt.

Sirius pushed himself up and walked over to the wardrobe where he stood. He looked down at him. "All right. But, only if you let me kiss you." Brown eyes widened slightly, and Sirius ran his hands inside the wizard's unbuttoned shirt, settling them on his sides just under his t-shirt. "What do you say?"

Greg looked over to his open door.

Sirius waved his hand, and the door shut silently, the lock clicking audibly. He smiled at the surprised look he garnered as his hand settled back on smooth, warm skin. "That's an important spell," he explained slyly.

Greg nodded slightly. "Listen, Sirius. I'm with-"

"Hewitt. Yeah - I know," Sirius said, and he shifted closer. "I don't mind," he said quietly as he stood only inches from the wizard he had refrained from kissing for seven days too many.

Greg studied him for a moment. "And you're still with Evie."

Sirius shook his head. "No, we're just betrothed, I don't have to make a formal commitment for a couple years still." He began to run his thumbs back and forth over the wizard's skin, his breathing picking up when he noticed the wizard's lips part slightly and his eyelids droop as his pupils grew.

Greg stood silently for a long moment, staring at the locked door. His gaze shifted back to waiting grey eyes. "Hewitt's kind of a bitch to be honest," he said, his voice coming out rough.

Sirius grinned. "I agree." He leaned down and pressed his lips against Greg's.


	27. Chapter 27

"Father, you wanted to see me?" Sirius asked in a polite voice as he stepped into the older wizard's study wearing black dress slacks and a dark grey button up. It was his second day back from his month long stay at the Zabini Estate, and the first time he had seen his father since his return.

"Ah, Sirius, yes. Have a seat," Orion said, motioning subtly to the open chair beside him.

Sirius quickly took note of two unknown men in the room, their backs facing him as they sat in dark leather chairs placed across from his father, a large rectangular Slytherin-green rug separating them, black drapes pulled over tall windows and blocking out the midday sun's rays, the only light coming from lit sconces, flickering green along the perimeter of his father's study. He dipped his chin, nodding once and walked over, taking the seat to the right of his father.

The young wizard resisted the urge to study the guests further. He'd been taught not to be curious of visitors unless his father introduced them. He stared in a bored fashion at a new portrait on the wall that hung just over the left shoulder of the man, who was sitting directly across from him. He studied familiar grey orbs that managed to look cold even in painting as they returned his gaze, a distant relative must have passed on while he was at school.

The four wizards sat in silence for a few moments, a palpable tension buzzing in the air.

"Gentlemen," Orion began, his tone icier than Sirius had ever heard as his upper lip curled in displeasure. "I understand you have come to request something of me."

The older man, who was seated across from Orion, and who appeared to be the leader of the two cleared his throat loudly as he shifted in his seat, and then he spoke up in a gruff voice. "Yes, Mister Black, we've come on behalf of our master. He requests that you make a donation to the cause as a display of your loyalties, the other families've begun to grow unsure as to where you stand due to your lack of support."

Orion stiffened ever so slightly, his fingers curling more around the arm rests where they rested. "I see," he said, his voice not yet displaying the sudden shift in mood that was billowing off him in waves.

Sirius resisted the urge to lean away from his father and chanced a glance at the man who had just spoken. He had looked like an older wizard when Sirius had first seen him, but upon closer inspection... there was something off about him. There was a youth to his skin despite his grey hair, and he was covered in scars. Scars. Sirius forgot himself for a moment, and he began to openly scan the man's exposed skin.

There were familiar-looking scars on his hands, around his wrists, and the ends of ones, peeking up from his collared shirt, like he had been mauled by a large animal. His gaze flicked suddenly to the other man, who sat across from him. He had short hair almost the color of Remus's and was very young, looking only a few years older than Sirius, his skin marked with the tell-tale scars as well. _They're both werewolves._

The man sneered at him when he noticed his speculative gaze, and Sirius looked away and back to the painting, his heart picking up speed as he struggled to keep an indifferent expression plastered on his features. His father was working with werewolves? Why?

"With all due respect, Sir... our master was _very_ insistent we leave with some sort of answer," the leader said more quietly, seeming to have picked up on the suddenly hostile environment.

"Well, perhaps your master should have sent more appropriate callers if he wished to receive an answer that would please him," Orion said lowly, any politeness having seeped from his voice, "I do not do business with _animals_."

Sirius's gaze shifted around the tense room in feigned nonchalance until it landed of its own accord back on the younger werewolf. His jaw was set, his features strained, and he was clenching his hands and looked about to explode.

"What're you staring at, boy?" the werewolf snarled when he caught his gaze.

Sirius didn't respond. He started to look away when his father stood up, his wand out and pointing at the werewolf instantly.

" _What_ did you say to my son?"

"Mister Black, I assure you, he didn't mean anything," the leader said quickly, standing when the young man pushed himself up out of his seat rather aggressively. "It's just close to the-"

"I don't care," he said sharply, cutting off the man. "My son is _not_ to be spoken to like that. Especially not by your _kind_ ," he spat. His wand carefully shifted from the young werewolf to the leader, who took a small step back in response, the chair behind him keeping him from moving too far. "Sirius, handle him," he said as his gaze remained locked on the older man.

Sirius blinked, his father's demand echoing in his head angrily as his mind refused to process the words. _Handle him_. What did he mean?

A late night months before, his father's angry voice, a sickening green flash, and dulling eyes raced through his thoughts unwillingly, and his stomach turned. Did he want him to _kill_ him? He couldn't do that. He felt his entire body begin to tremble ever so slightly. _Calm down. Calm down_. No. No, he knew what he could do. What would be enough.

Sirius pulled out his wand and stood up slowly.

"Sir, _please_ , he can't control himself. It was an accident," the older werewolf insisted.

"Well then he requires some further training, doesn't he?" Orion said and took a step back, opening the path between Sirius and the young werewolf, his wand still out. " _Sit_."

The older man sat back down slowly, his gaze shifting to the rug before him as he silently acquiesced.

Orion looked to his son. "Go on."

Sirius nodded as he refused to look at the man who was sitting in his seat, his fidgeting hands visible in his corner vision. His gaze locked on the visibly terrified sandy-haired werewolf in front of him. He took a step towards him, his wand tingling in his grip. He clenched his hand around it more firmly, fingers threatening to drop the wand to the floor as he studied him. He looked even younger on closer inspection.

"I'm so sorry, Mister Black," the werewolf said, his voice filled with obvious regret as his eyes swirled with a haunting darkness that Sirius knew well. Remus.

Sirius clenched his jaw and closed down his thoughts. That would not help. He had to do it. His father didn't ask. He lifted his wand slowly, keeping his hand steady as it tried to shake, and the man in front of him took a small step back, eyes widening in terror. He let his magic surge in his core - and then he spoke, the single word coming out in almost a whisper.

" _Crucio_."

And a red light surged from his wand, shooting forward, and it hit the man squarely in the chest. Young grey eyes watched as the werewolf crumpled to the ground in an agonizing scream. He writhed in pain on the dark wooden floor, gasping and choking and screaming as he pulled at his hair and scratched at his arms and face, begging for it to stop. For him to stop. For him to kill him. Sirius held his arm steady, holding the curse until the man's pleads grew faint, and his eyes began to close. He stopped.

He remained rooted in place not able to look away as the sandy-haired man sobbed silently, his shoulders shaking as he lay on the floor, streams of tears running and mixing with trails of blood on his face from where his fingernails had broken the skin.

"Very good, son." A hand clasped on Sirius's shoulder, the feeling going unnoticed by the young wizard as the words echoed deafeningly in his head.

Sirius nodded numbly. He stepped back and stood by his father's side, his expression blank, and his mind swimming in nothingness as terrible screams stabbed at the edges of his conscious, begging him to stop. 

* * *

_Fourth Year_

* * *

Sirius stalked down the crowded hallway of the Hogwarts Express, avoiding glances and ignoring greetings as Kreacher walked ahead of him, floating his trunk for him. "Pick an empty compartment," he told the elf in a subdued tone.

"Yes, Master Sirius." The elf nodded in a surprisingly obedient manner and stopped only a few strides later, opening a door with the wave of one bony hand and guiding his trunk in with the other.

Sirius walked into the empty car as the elf floated his trunk onto the empty overhead shelf.

"Anything else, Master Sirius?" Kreacher asked, still sounding surprisingly servile.

"Yeah, black out the window and put a repelling charm on the door when you leave," he said and then waved the elf off so it could return to help Regulus with his boarding.

"Yes, Master." The house elf bowed low before turning away, closing the door quietly.

Sirius watched the window to the hallway slowly darken and then turn a black opaque color. He let out a heavy sigh and sat down, pulling down the blinds to the window by him. He loosened his tie and leaned his head back, closing his aching eyes.

He just needed to rest them. He wasn't going to sleep.

He wasn't. 

* * *

"Sirius! Where the _bloody_ hell were you? We couldn't find you on the train," James exclaimed, slinging an arm up around the wizard's shoulders as lightning flashed in the distance and darkened clouds hung ominously over the students as they made their way along a familiar worn path of dirt. "Have you grown?" he asked in a lamenting tone.

Sirius continued to walk towards the waiting carriages under the stormy night sky, his trunk floating ahead of him. "I sat by myself," he said, not sparing his friend a glance or bothering to answer him completely.

" _Yourself_? Is something bothering you, mate?" James asked, sounding slightly less chipper, concern beginning to tinge his quickly-delivered words.

Sirius guided the loading of his trunk onto the back of a still-empty carriage as he tried to ignore the snorting and pawing thestrals at the front, their agitation with the coming storm clear. He wondered bitterly if there was a magical creature that only wizards, who had tortured someone could see. A dry laugh escaped his lips at the morbid thought, and his trunk clunked down. He tucked his wand back into his pocket, not wanting to see it, as he finally turned to his friend.

"Yeah, I want to be left alone," he said curtly and then climbed into the covered carriage, hoping his dorm-mates would heed his words and find another.

James climbed in a few seconds later, Remus and Peter following him in reluctantly. Sirius sighed and looked out the window as James lit a mounted candle in the carriage he had just put out. "You look like hell," James said bluntly.

Sirius nodded slightly, not glancing over. "Thanks," he muttered dryly.

The carriage suddenly sprung forward, and the space was filled with the sound of ghostly hooves and carriage wheels traveling over a dirt path. A crack of thunder boomed just overhead.

"Remus, why don't you try?" was said quietly. Fierce whispering ensued.

A throat cleared. "Sirius, is everything all right?"

Sirius resisted looking away from the window and towards the sandy blond's tempting voice. "Yeah, just tired," he responded a little less bluntly. He rubbed at his eyes as rain began to fall. He was sure he would sleep more soundly once he was back in his bed at the dorm.

* * *

"Regulus Black, is that your little brother, Sirius?" Peter asked as the four boys made their way up the stairway later that night to their tower, and what was now the fourth-year Gryffindor boys' dorm.

The tall wizard rolled his eyes. "Nothing gets by you, Pete," he said, sharply. _Slytherin_. The bloody hat had shouted 'Slytherin' almost as soon as it had touched his younger brother's head. _Figures. Bloody prat looked so proud of himself. I'll make his life so miserable he'll wish he'd been accepted to Durmstrang_. He walked in behind a grinning James and made his way over to his own bed immediately.

"Hey, Si-"

Sirius jerked his curtains shut, cast a silencing spell and lay down on his bed, face down. He breathed into his pillow deeply, the familiar smells soothing his frazzled mind somewhat. He just really needed to get some sleep. Things would be better after that. 

* * *

Sirius trailed quietly down a long dark hallway, his hands reaching out at his sides to feel where he was going. His heart pounded heavily in his chest as he searched for light. There was none.

The fingers on his left hand found purchase, brushing across a wall with small grooves and bumps, wallpaper, and then rose and ran over a thin smooth cold something and then dipped over gritty and layered fabric-like material before hitting raised cool smoothness once more. Frames and canvas. He was in his house.

He picked up his step. He should be in bed. He didn't want to be caught up. Why was he awake? His pulse drummed through his veins as he sped up more, trying to remain silent.

A light suddenly appeared before him, and he could see the end of the hallway under the flickering yellow glow of candles that had been lit for too long. Someone should have put them out. He stopped abruptly. He didn't want to go that way.

He turned around and began to walk the other way quickly, his feet moving faster and faster until he'd broken into a run. He had to get away. He ran in the absolute darkness, his legs beginning to burn as he sprinted down the seemingly unending hallway, trying to escape the light that he knew was gaining on him.

"Sirius, there you are," his father greeted him, his expression only holding a benign smile as he stood by the tall marble fireplace in the Black sitting room. He held a glass of scotch in one hand, his wand perched lazily on the black, stone mantle.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he looked around the room as dread filled his chest, keeping his gaze off the floor. He needed to leave now. He looked back over to the tall man at the sound of a cleared throat. "Hello, Father," he said politely, desperately trying to hold back the anxiety trying to strangle his heart. He turned to leave. His father was standing in front of him once more, still by the fireplace.

The older wizard's smile grew darker. "You aren't trying to leave are you?" he asked in a silky smooth voice.

Sirius shook his head. "No, of course not, Father."

Orion nodded, his eyes darkening. "Good. I have something to show you. It's something you've been wanting. Think of it as... a _gift_ ," he said, the last two words coming out more slowly as he pointed to the floor that Sirius had been purposely avoiding.

"Thank you, Father." Sirius licked chapped lips nervously and then swallowed hard. He slowly forced his gaze to shift down to find a body on the floor just feet away. A wizard, lying face down.

Orion took a sip of his drink casually. "Go on, take a look."

"Yes, Father." Sirius nodded, his mind clearing, all thoughts and feelings leaving him. He blinked. He found himself walking towards the body and then crouching down. The man's hair was a sandy blond. His heart jumped into his throat. He watched as his hand reached down and turned the wizard's face to the side. He looked familiar. He carefully moved the wizard onto his back, noting his body was still warm. He gently brushed messy soft locks back from the wizard's face. Dead hazel eyes stared back at him.

He jumped up, horror coursing and twisting through his body. " _You killed him! You killed Remus!_ " he shouted at this father.

Orion started laughing, the sound growing louder and harsher as he walked towards him. He placed his hands on Sirius's shoulders, his touch like ice, seeping into Sirius's very core. "No, it was you, Son. I'm so proud. I knew you'd be just like me some day."

Sirius jerked back and looked down at his hand, his wand out, and a green smoke still clinging to it from the curse.

"No. No! Nononono!" He shouted and threw it on the floor. " _NO_!"

* * *

"- _Sirius_. Sirius, _wake_ up."

"Noooo!" Sirius shot upright in his bed. He gasped for air, his chest heaving to meet the demands of his racing heart and pounding pulse as he looked around wildly in the dark not able to make anything out. He felt something touch his arm. He jerked away and let out a terrified yell.

"Sirius, Sirius, it's just me - _Remus."_ Hands reached out again.

Sirius pushed them away, his mind refusing to seperate the recent thoughts accordingly. Remus. No. Remus was _dead_. _Remus is dead! It's all my fault! I killed him—_

"It was just a dream, Sirius. You were having a nightmare," the voice said. A 'lumos' was muttered quickly.

Hands were suddenly grabbing Sirius's face and turning it forcefully when he struggled to escape the touch. He clenched his eyes shut tightly. He couldn't look again. He shuddered, and a strangled noise escaped his lips as the mental picture of his friend on the floor flashed through his mind again. A sob of a laugh escaped his chest.

"Sirius. Please. _Open_ your bloody eyes!"

Sirius froze at the words. He knew that voice. His ragged breathing began to slow slightly as his mind slowly gathered from his senses that things were different. Warm hands were holding his face, and a familiar calming scent filled his shallow lungs. He wasn't home. He was at school. He found himself suddenly looking into worried hazel eyes.

" _Remus_ ," he whispered and pulled his friend into a tight hug and let out a relieved laugh.

Remus started to pull away. "Sirius, are you-"

"Don't go," he whispered, cutting off the unwanted question and pulling the wizard down beside him onto the bed. He breathed in the wizard's presence deeply. Remus was safe. "Please _,_ just stay. _Please_."

"Yeah," Remus said quietly as Sirius held him even tighter. "Yeah, I'll stay."

Sirius sighed and buried his face into soft material that smelled of warmth and safety. "Thank you, Remus."

* * *

"So, what'd you do this summer?" James asked amiably as he sat beside Sirius, Peter sitting across from him and Remus by his side as they ate lunch in the Great Hall on Saturday, their first full day back from break.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder as he sat leaned over, his head propped up with a hand as he pushed his food around. He held back a yawn. He had slept fine after Remus had joined him, but he still didn't feel rested. "I stayed with Greg for a month, and then my father showed me the ropes of the family business," he said numbly. He shook his head and blocked the mental image that had been torturing him. Torturing him. He laughed harshly at the thought.

" _Zabini_?" James asked, his voice sounding a forced curious.

Sirius let out a lackluster laugh at the boy's obvious attempt to sound nonchalant. "Yeah, that one. What'd you do?" He took a bite of a cinnamon roll and chewed mechanically. Had they always been so bland?

"Well, Remus and Pete visited for a few weeks, and my dad took me to watch a few of the Chudley Cannons' scrimmages. My dad's friends with the coach. They're bloody fantastic! I was talking to their chasers, and they said that I should try out when I finish sixth year," he said excitedly.

Sirius nodded and took another bite so he wouldn't have to talk.

"Oh—and good news—Evans is warming up to me."

Sirius blinked and looked up at his friend in disbelief. "Yeah?"

James let out a barking laugh. "No, not really. This morning in the common room she told me she was disappointed to see I hadn't dropped out of school over summer. Lovely witch. I was just trying to get your attention. You feeling all right? That time of the month?"

"Yeah, just feeling a little hormonal." Sirius grinned begrudgingly at his upbeat friend. "You're a tosser, Potter." He looked back down, not paying attention as James began talking again but letting the familiar sound soothe his tired mind. He took another bite and nodded when James poked him in the side.

* * *

"Mind if I join you?" Sirius asked as he stood quietly, hands shoved deep in slack's pockets, tired grey eyes looking down at Remus.

The sandy blond looked up from his book, as he sat leaning against a wall on the floor in the library on the first Friday evening in October.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably where he stood.

Remus eyed the wizard for a moment longer. "You don't have a book," he said finally, not sounding even the least bit surprised but saying the words regardless.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders as he looked around the empty space. "Yeah, I know," he said, the familiar words falling from his lips without thinking.

The sandy blond nodded slowly. "All right," he said quietly.

Sirius sighed and shot him a tight smile. "Thanks, Remus," he said and sat down beside him. He leaned over when Remus inevitably lifted his book higher, resting his head in the werewolf's lap for the sixth evening in a row. He closed his eyes to get a quick nap.

With his return to Hogwarts, the once nightly nightmares had quickly decreased in frequency, dropping down to less than once a week by just the third week of school. He was feeling markedly better, but then, he'd received a letter from his parents the last weekend in September, and he had taken to silencing his bed every night before he went to sleep again.

All it had been was an early birthday present. His shoulders shook slightly from a silent, humorless laugh. _Get a hold of yourself._

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius tensed slightly, grey eyes remaining closed. Remus had never pushed for information about his nightmares or his odd behavior since they had returned from summer break, unlike James, and on occasion Peter. The tall wizard had actually started to force a smile around the messy-haired wizard just to stop the questions. It was tiring though, and he had begun to seek out Remus's company instead the past week when the nightmares had returned full force. He didn't have the energy to make up excuses or pretend to be in a good mood.

Maybe Remus was talking about something else. Maybe he only wanted to discuss why he had taken to hexing his younger brother every chance he had.

"No," he responded just to be safe.

"Sirius... If something is bothering you this much, you should talk about it... You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

Remus's words made his chest ache unwillingly. "It's nothing, Moony, just some stupid night terrors is all," he insisted in a tight voice, because he couldn't tell anyone what had happened, what he had done. Not even Remus. Not this. He would hate him.

"You were saying things the other day in your sleep..."

Sirius sat up abruptly. "They're _just_ bad dreams, Remus," he said forcefully, hiding the sudden nervousness that was clawing at his stomach like it wanted to get out. What had he said? It couldn't have been too bad, or Remus would have said something. Wouldn't he have?

Remus hesitated for a second, but then he nodded slowly. "All right. I'll drop it." His gaze shifted back to his book, and then he patted his leg when Sirius remained sitting up.

Sirius held back a relieved sigh and settled back down, his arm slipping under the werewolf's knee and wrapping around it. He took in a deep breath and felt himself begin to relax, a compassionate dreamless sleep stealing him away from his thoughts as he hugged his friend's leg tightly.


	28. Chapter 28

"Hey Sirius." Greg Zabini stood, the Slytherin looking unsure as he gazed down at the dark-haired wizard, who was sitting with his three Gryffindor friends after lunch outside by the lake. The four wizards like a large majority of the student body were enjoying what was most likely one of the last warm days that year on the last Friday in October.

"Greg, good to see you, mate," Sirius said, grinning widely. "Where are Crabbe and Goyle?" he asked, looking around for the two Slytherins.

Greg shrugged his shoulders. "They're off picking on some first years, not really my thing," he said, his hands in his pockets, "Well, I'm going to go in, I just wanted to say hello. I'll see you in Potions tomorrow, yeah?"

"No, sit with us." Sirius patted the grass-covered ground beside him, James sitting on his other side, Remus and Peter sitting across from them.

"Oh, uh, all right. Thanks," the Slytherin said somewhat hesitantly.

Sirius grinned at the wizard in a conspiratorial fashion as he settled down beside him. "So, how's Hewitt?" he asked.

Greg laughed and shook his head. "Ah, that didn't last. We broke up three weeks ago, on my birthday actually. She got upset I didn't buy _her_ something to celebrate it. That was a little too high maintenance, even for me."

Sirius scooted closer. "That's too bad." He looked down at the wizard's green and silver tie that was slightly askew and reached out, adjusting it for him, his hand resting on the material a few moments longer than necessary as he remembered the many snog sessions they had shared only a few months before.

James cleared his throat loudly, attracting the two boys' attention. "Hi, I'm James Potter, Sirius's best friend," he said genially, the discomfort in his voice only barely noticeable. He reached around Sirius, offering his hand.

"Greg Zabini," the wizard said, taking the offered hand and shaking, "Best mate, eh? You must be terribly brave."

James let out an easy laugh, his smile turning more genuine. "And this is Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew," he said, motioning to his friends accordingly.

"Hello," the Slytherin greeted the two Gryffindors, who responded in kind, before turning back to the tall wizard beside him. "So, what are you up to tonight?" he asked in a casual tone.

Sirius grinned. "Oh, uh, Remus and I are going to the library to study."

Greg laughed in surprise. "On a Friday? That doesn't sound like you."

Sirius looked to Remus, who was reading his book once more. "Yeah, I'm not sure how he talked me into it honestly."

"You invited yourself," Remus offered in a slightly amused voice, having looked up. "You don't have to go with me, I don't mind. Honestly, I'll get more accomplished if you don't." He looked back down.

Sirius's expression dropped, but then he quickly forced a smile back on and looked over to Greg. "Well, what do you say? Do you want to hang out with us Gryffindors tonight?"

Greg smiled back at him. "Sure."

* * *

Sirius, James, Peter and Greg sat on the floor in a circle in the Gryffindor boys' dorm later that night. A bottle of chocolate-flavored vodka stood in the middle, a cup in front of each boy. There was a pile of snacks off to the side, the wizards having stocked up at dinner that night, and the window by James's bed was pushed open, letting the brisk night air into the tower, its cool scent telling of the coming change of seasons.

"And so I told her, you don't know what you're missing," James told the Slytherin seated across from him. Greg nodded his head in understanding, Sirius and Peter laughing loudly.

"And she hasn't warmed up to you any since?" Greg asked politely, looking like he was holding back a grin as Sirius laughed even harder by his side.

James shook his head forlornly. "Nope." He shrugged his shoulders in an unconvincing manner. "Oh well, it's not like it would have lasted long. I'm a free spirit," he said, not sounding overly happy with the fact.

Sirius sighed happily as his laughs finally subsided and took a large drink from the cup set in front of him. "Maybe you should try asking someone else out then, mate."

James nodded. "Yeah, I think I will. Hogsmeade is tomorrow though, it's a little late for that."

Sirius glanced over at Greg. "Who are you going with, Greg?"

The Slytherin grinned as he took a sip of his own drink. "Parkinson."

"Briony?" Sirius nodded approvingly and then stopped and tilted his head to the side. "Wait. Isn't she-"

"Greengrass's best friend? Yeah, she is," the wizard said in a knowing tone. "I feel like I should thank you for that for some reason."

Sirius laughed. "Anytime." He took another drink, glancing over to James. The wizard was looking between him and Greg, watching them closely. Sirius lifted dark eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"So, you two both like wizards _and_ witches?" James asked bluntly. Greg's eyes widened, and the Slytherin let out a surprised laugh. "I mean. Obviously Sirius and you, I mean - I don't care. Just curious," the messy-haired wizard said, stumbling over his words uncharacteristically, and then waited with an expectant look.

"Yeah, I like witches, and I don't mind a fit bloke," Greg admitted in an amused tone.

Peter looked between the three wizards, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol. "What's it like?" he asked, then added quickly, "You know - kissing a guy?"

Sirius looked over to Greg, offering him the honors.

Greg shook his head, a begrudging smile pushing up his lips. "Ah, well, the only bloke I've ever kissed is Sirius. It feels pretty much the same but... more _intense_ than a girl, I guess is the best way to explain it," he said.

Sirius swallowed, his mind flitting back through memories from their summer together for the second time that day.

"Intense?" James asked curiously.

Greg nodded and cleared his throat. "Yeah, witches can be... reserved - especially in my House. But, Sirius, he's more aggressive when he kisses."

"Huh," James said, his expression one of growing interest.

"Can you show us then?" Peter asked.

Sirius looked over in surprise at the usually shy boy. "What?"

"I-I mean. I've never really seen anyone our age kiss. So, if it's pretty much the same..." He cut off and looked down nervously at the cup in his hands.

"I don't know if James would appreciate that," Sirius hedged, feeling uncomfortable with the idea.

"No, I don't mind," James said, grinning cheekily, "I'd like to see it too."

Sirius looked over to Greg. The wizard shrugged his shoulders, smiling easily.

"Go on, then. Do your boy kissing you talk about," James said encouragingly, obviously having fun with Sirius's discomfort.

Sirius grinned, flipped off his friend and then set his cup down. He scooted closer to the wizard, his gaze running up and down the boy's fitted black button down he was wearing for the night. He looked into amused brown eyes and leaned forward, his lips just barely brushing the wizard's lightly at first a few times.

"Woh," Peter said in almost a whisper. James let out a dry cough.

Sirius grinned and then opened his mouth, his tongue reaching out before their lips touched and then pushing into the wizard's receptive mouth. He felt a hand run up into his hair, pulling him suddenly closer, and he tilted his head, his mouth moving hungrily against his.

" _Holy hell_ , they're _really_ doing it," James said with a soft laugh. Greg laughed into Sirius's mouth as they continued to kiss.

"Hey, guys. I-"

Sirius jerked back immediately at the familiar voice, grey eyes shooting up to find Remus standing just inside the door with an unreadable expression plastered on his face. He fought the urge to apologize to his friend. Why would he do that? Remus had made it _very_ clear he didn't like him. He shook his head minutely, loosing the thought.

"Remus, you're back, you've been missing all the fun! Sirius and Greg are making out for us," James called, holding his cup up in a celebratory manner.

Sirius glanced at Greg, who shot him a curious look. He winked back at him before looking to Remus. "Yeah, join us, Moony. James and Peter are being pervy, we need you."

Remus let out a laugh. "Where do you all keep getting alcohol?"

"Sirius brought it," Peter said with a hiccup. "It's flavored to taste like drinking chocolate too."

Remus's eyebrows raised almost to his hairline. "Yeah?"

Sirius grinned widely and nodded proudly. "I did it myself. I found the spell when I was home last Christmas, and I thought you'd appreciate it so I learned it. Come on. You know you want to try it." He wiggled his darkly arched eyebrows at the sandy-blond. 

* * *

"This is soooooo good," Remus said and then hiccuped, having taken to the spelled-drink rather enthusiastically.

Sirius smiled widely. "Isn't it though?" He watched in utter fascination as the werewolf licked his lips, his taste buds in search of more drink. The tall wizard pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt a few times, pushing up his sleeves to his elbows. "Is it hot in here?" he asked no one in particular.

"It is, I feel like I'm suffocating," Greg agreed readily. He had his dark shirt completely unbuttoned and agape to reveal a fitted black t-shirt underneath.

"Here, let me help you," Sirius said, pulling at the boy's sleeve closest to him and then the other when Greg laughed and turned to offer his other arm. He took the shirt, balled it up and tossed it on his bed. "There. That's better."

"Geez, Zabini. Do you work out?" James asked as he lay on his side next to a sitting Remus. Peter was in his bed with the curtains drawn, fast asleep.

Greg looked down at himself. "Oh, uh, yeah, a few times a week with my older brother. He's the captain of our Quidditch team."

James looked down at his own body and made an unhappy humming noise. "I need to start working out. Maybe then Lily will like me."

Sirius glanced over to Remus, who was looking at the shirt Sirius had flung onto his bed. He felt a twinge of guilt. "Moony, how was your study session with Evans?" he asked, trying to be nice about the witch.

Remus looked over in surprise. "Oh, good." He turned to the ruffled-looking wizard, who was staring into his cup. "I don't like her like that, James. You know that, right?"

James's expression lightened. "You don't? I mean, because if you did, I would understand completely. I-"

"No. I promise. We're just friends," Remus said with a laugh, taking another sip of alcohol and then smiling. "This is really good, Sirius."

The dark-haired wizard grinned. "I knew I could win you over," he said glibly.

James looked around at the three wizards. "We should play something."

"Like what?" Sirius asked in a gamely fashion.

"Truth or dare," James responded, and Sirius groaned. "No, come on it'll be fun," he insisted. "Greg, you can go first since you're the guest tonight."

Greg took a sip of his drink before setting it down. "All right." He looked to the wizard on his left. "Sirius, truth or dare?"

" _Dare_." He shot the wizard a bored look.

Greg grinned at the clear challenge. "Kiss someone you've never kissed before."

Sirius laughed. "That's easy." He set down his cup, pushing up onto his hands and knees and began to crawl towards James, whose eyes widened in alarm as realization overtook them.

"No, Sirius. Not me. Kiss-kiss _Moony_ ," he said in an alarmed voice, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

Sirius stopped in front of his best friend. "Can't, I've kissed him already," he said and then planted a firm kiss on his best friend's mouth as he sat frozen in shock. He pulled back and then placed a couple gentler kisses on his lips and then sat back down beside Greg.

"My turn," he said as James remained frozen. "James, truth or dare?"

"Truth," James replied in a hoarse voice.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Who was your first kiss?" he asked curiously.

James blinked. "Ah, I guess - that would be you..." His expression turned suddenly dark. "Damn you, Sirius! And, and what do you _mean_ you've _already_ kissed Remus?" he demanded.

Sirius laughed in surprise. "Sorry, mate, I didn't know." He ignored the question about the werewolf. "Your turn."

James glared at his friend darkly. He sighed and turned to Remus. "Truth or dare, Remus?"

Remus looked down at his cup. "Dare."

James thought for a moment and then grinned. "All right. Chug your cup."

Remus groaned. The three boys laughed.

"You have to do it, Remus. Stop being a pansy," Sirius goaded his friend. He felt Greg's hand brush his leg. He glanced over at the wizard and winked at him.

"Fine. But, if I get sick this all your guys's fault," he muttered and lifted his newly filled cup and downed the contents. He set it down and licked his lips, his pupils widening as he sat quietly for a minute. He looked over to Greg, blinking to focus his vision. "Truth or dare?"

Greg thought for a moment as he sipped on his drink. "Truth," he said, glancing over to Sirius when the wizard stood up and pulled his shirt off, tossing it over on top of his. He watched him walk over to his trunk and grab a pair of pajama pants, the wizard changing in front of them.

"Who do you fancy?" Remus asked bluntly.

Sirius stumbled as he pulled up his pants, catching himself on one of the posts to his bed. He stood in black sleeping pants and no shirt, his developing muscles on full display. He shot the werewolf a look of surprise.

Greg looked away from Sirius and over to Remus. "Briony Parkinson at the moment," he said easily.

Sirius let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding, and he walked back over to the circle. He sat back down beside the Slytherin.

"What's this?" Greg asked, reaching up and touching a silver pendant in the shape of a shield that hung around Sirius's neck on a matching chain, reading the words inscribed on it out loud, "Toujours pur?"

Sirius looked down at the wizard's hand, his breath catching when cool fingertips brushed the skin on his chest as he held the pendant. "Early birthday present from my parents. It was my father's. It's my family's crest and motto," he said in a low voice, "means always pure."

"I'm out, guys," James said, groaning as he pushed himself up. "I don't feel so well."

"Yeah, I need to sleep this off," Remus said quietly, standing up and walking over to his own bed, pulling the curtains behind him.

"You two behave yourselves," James said through a yawn.

"Sure thing, mummy," Sirius said, flipping off his friend.

"Tosser." James returned the gesture. "See ya, Greg," he said, waving lazily.

Greg smiled and waved back. He looked over to Sirius as they sat suddenly alone. "So, I guess I should be going too," he said hesitantly, his hand dropping from the pendant.

Sirius leaned over and pressed his mouth against his. Greg responded immediately, pulling him closer.

Sirius moved to his ear. "You can stay if you want," he whispered as quietly as he could, smiling when the wizard nodded quickly. He stood up and offered his hand.

Greg took it and then immediately leaned in and began kissing Sirius on the neck.

"Oh, fuck, Zabini," he hissed as the wizard trailed warm lips along his sensitive skin, the sensation shooting down through his body. He wrapped his arms around Greg's waist and began to pull him towards his bed.

"You look so fucking hot, tonight, Sirius," Greg whispered against his neck.

Sirius groaned when the wizard's hands ran around down his front and tugged at the waist of his pajama pants. "Shit, Greg. _Yes_."

"Sirius! Silencing charm!" James shouted suddenly from behind his pulled curtains.

"Sorry!" Sirius shouted back and pulled the wizard into his bed with him, the boys falling and bumping into each other, laughs and curses filling the room and quickly shifting to moans and gasps.

"Sirius! _Now_!"

"All right!" He grabbed his wand as Greg pulled the curtains and cast a silencing spell.

He pushed up onto his knees, Greg following suit. He ran his hands up under the wizard's t-shirt. "Fuck, Greg," he gasped when the boy bit down on his neck hard. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head, tossing it aside for him. "Those look uncomfortable," he said, eyeing the Slytherin's charcoal-colored slacks.

"They are," Greg agreed quickly. He began unbuttoning them in a rush and pushed them down, leaving his pants on as he kicked them off.

Sirius grabbed the wizard, pulling him with him as he settled down onto his bed, kissing him urgently.


	29. Chapter 29

"So - tomorrow's the big day," Sirius said, the tall wizard standing in deep red water, waist high, wearing only a pair of black boxers, steam rising around him as grey eyes took in the high-ceilinged bathroom that was reserved for Hogwarts' prefects; stout pillars, intricate moulding and arched windows stained with the paintings of mermaids looking down on him.

"Ah, yes, Charms test," James said with a nod, tossing his t-shirt over to where his bag sat a few feet away leaned up against a stone bench. The wizard crouched down, leaning on his hands, and lowered himself carefully down into the oversized bath, hissing in a breath as he settled into the hot water. "I almost forgot about that, thanks mate."

"What!" Sirius splashed his friend, earning him a few curses.

"No, that's next week, James," Remus said as he made his way down the wide set of stairs that appeared carved out of the flooring itself, the sandy-blond similarly dressed as his two friends. He planted a hand at the edge of the sunken bath and dropped down into the water beside the wild-haired wizard, not seeming to notice the heat. "Tomorrow is the Transfiguration practical. Why did you guys choose red? It's kind of unsettling."

"Guys..."

"You're right it is, Sirius chose it, I wanted yellow. Transfiguration? That'll be easy enough though. What's wrong, Sirius, still having trouble with your teacup?"

Two sets of sniggers followed the statement.

"I hate you both." Sirius turned away, amidst his friends' laughing, and walked back over to the numerous faucets and turned a random silver knob experimentally, large iridescent bubbles began to flow from the spigot. "I need better mates. Ones who will fully appreciate the anniversary of my birth." He waded back to his grinning friends, leaving the faucet on full, and settled down on the sunken bench beside James, water rising to chest level.

James waved a hand lazily, tired hazel eyes idly watching the growing collection of bubbles form a sizeable wall before beginning to inch towards the three wizards. "You know we've something planned, don't be such a bloody whinger."

Sirius leaned back, settling further down into the steaming water, letting it reach to the base of his neck to soak his protesting muscles. "We need a bathroom like this, I'm so sore."

James nodded, his eyes closed. "Yeah, practice's been brutal lately. When I make captain I'm not going to be so hard on my players."

"How did you two get Longbottom to give you the password?" Remus asked curiously.

"Paid him," Sirius said drowsily, his head resting on the cool stone floor behind him, chin tilted up.

"Frank Longbottom _sold_ you the password to the prefects' bathroom?" Remus asked, skeptically.

"No - he had it written down on a sheet in his nightstand," Sirius clarified. "He's a forgetful bloke. We just left a few galleons behind for the information."

"Wait, you broke into the head boy's dorm and went through his things?" Remus asked in an alarmed voice.

James let out an incredulous laugh, Sirius joining in. "No. Do you think we're _stupid_ , Remus?"

"Well, then... I don't understand."

Sirius sighed. He looked to James, who shook his head in disappointment. "We had _Peter_ do it, Remus," Sirius explained in a voice that clearly expressed how unnecessary he thought it was to say.

Remus let out a humming noise of disapproval.

"You know what I find odd?" James said abruptly, drawing his two friends' attention. "Why is there only one bath?"

The statement was followed by a moment of silence, and then the room was filled with three sets of laughter.

* * *

"Happy birthday, Sirius."

Sirius looked up from his breakfast plate and grinned at the Slytherin standing at his side. "You remembered." He laughed. "Have a seat, eat with us," he said with a wide grin, patting the empty space beside him.

"I don't know." Greg shot a glance over at his own table.

"Come on, it's my birthday," the now fifteen-year old insisted as he not so discreetly eyed the wizard. "Worried what Crabbe and Goyle will say?"

Greg broke out in a grin and sat down at the crimson and gold table beside him. "No, they're buffoons," he said.

"So true." Sirius nodded agreeably and then slid his right hand under the table and onto the wizard's thigh. "Are you going to hang out with us tonight?" he asked lightly. He trailed fingers up slightly higher and gave the wizard's leg a gentle squeeze.

"Oh, uh, I don't want to intrude... Isn't it just usually you four?" Greg said in a slightly tight voice, Sirius hiding a grin as he took a quick bite with his free but less coordinated hand.

"No, you should come," James said, leaning in front of Sirius, "if not, Remus and I'll have to watch him more closely. He's quite the handful on his birthdays."

Sirius smiled cheekily. "It's true, but only because I get really horny. Maybe if you and Moony were more helpful I wouldn't get so worked up."

James pulled a disgusted face, and Remus didn't respond as he sat beside an eating Peter, reading a book. The only sign he'd heard him was a subtle pushing down of his sandy-blond eyebrows.

"What d'you say Remus?" Sirius's smile grew to display perfectly white teeth when the reading werewolf rubbed the side of his nose with only his middle finger. "So what're you trying to say to me, Remus? You up for some-Oh, _hello_ , Evie." Sirius found himself meeting the blonde witch's blue gaze, as she stood just behind Remus.

"Hi, Sirius," she said softly. "Hello, Greg," she added after a moment's pause.

"Evie." Greg nodded, looking away in an uncomfortable fashion immediately after the curt greeting.

"What can I do for you, Evie?" Sirius asked easily, removing his hand from Greg's leg reluctantly.

"I have a birthday present for you," the girl said in a shy voice, "Perhaps we could get together later so I could give it to you?"

A slow smile pushed up the wizard's lips at the insinuation, whether intentional or not. "Ah, well I unfortunately have plans tonight. How's tomorrow after lunch?" he asked in a smooth voice.

The witch nodded slowly. "Tomorrow it is. Have a good birthday," she said in a sweet voice.

Sirius's smile grew. "Thank you. I will." He watched her walk away.

James elbowed him. "You're unbelievable. Aren't you the least bit interested in what she has for you?" James asked incredulously.

Sirius blinked, regrouping his thoughts. He placed his hand back on the wizard's leg beside him. "Not enough to cancel my plans for tonight."

* * *

"So, you guys do this every year?" Greg asked, looking up at the clear night sky as he stood beside Sirius on the astronomy tower.

Sirius turned around and leaned back against the stone railing next to the wizard. "Yeah, except for first year." He glanced over at his clearly buzzed friends, who were trying to build a house of cards with an exploding snaps deck, his gaze settling on a laughing Remus before an unwanted tension tugged at his chest and had him looking away. He lifted the cup in his hand, tossing the rest of the burning liquid to the back of his throat and swallowing with purpose.

"Your friends, they're really nice."

Grey eyes focused back on the Slytherin at that, struggling slightly with the sudden rush of firewhiskey spilling into already alcohol laden veins, and a slight breeze that felt markedly cooler than the year's before ruffled at the tall wizard's raven locks. He blinked a few times, regrouping. "Yeah, they are. Thanks for coming tonight by the way."

Greg nodded and took a sip from his cup. "Thanks for asking me," he said, and then more nonchalantly, "I hope I wasn't the reason you didn't invite Evie."

Sirius's lips curled up, and he shifted closer to the wizard. "Well, I hate to let you down," he said, voice a little rough, "but you were definitely the reason." He wet his lips as his gaze ran over the wizard's neck and then across his broad chest before slipping lower. "You know how you asked me earlier today what I'd like for my birthday? I know now. I've actually wanted it for some time honestly," he said, his voice dropping to a more private level.

Greg quirked a smile and looked down. "Yeah? And what's that, Sirius?"

Sirius shifted closer until his arm was pressed against Greg's. He leaned in, his lips grazing the wizard's ear, and he whispered: "You."

* * *

"Stupid shirt." Sirius fumbled with the buttons on the Slytherin's button down, his breathing ragged as hands ran over his already bare torso.

Greg pulled back and jerked the half-undone shirt over his head along with the one under it. "Better?" he asked in a breathless voice, his chest rising and falling quickly.

Sirius nodded as he looked over the wizard in the dimly lit space. "Much better. _Oh shit_." He leaned over, fumbling for his forgotten wand in his bed sheets, sliding his fingers through the tangle of bedding. "Found it."

He lifted his wand and cast a silencing charm and then put it under his pillow. He swallowed hard, and then he pushed back up on his knees and pulled the wizard into a kiss, their mouths opening as Sirius's hands slid down and began to fumble with the buttons on the wizard's slacks.

* * *

The Slytherin sat up and tugged on his boxers, tossing the wizard his pajama pants. Sirius pulled them on, lifting his hips to get them all the way up as he lay on the bed.

Greg grabbed the blankets that had ended up wadded at the foot of the bed and then lay down on his stomach, his face turned towards Sirius. "That wasn't bad."

Sirius let out a quiet laugh. "Yeah." He eyed the wizard nervously. "Listen, Greg. My parents..."

The Slytherin grinned. "Sirius, you don't need to say it. My parents would kill me if they thought I was letting the Black heir do me up the arse instead of finding a nice witch to have their grandchildren with."

Sirius nodded, grinning at his choice of words. "I like you, Greg."

Greg laughed. "Yeah, you say that _now_."

Sirius's smile grew. "Actually, this would be the least strategic time for me to say it," he paused, "unless, you're open to doing this again..."

Greg laughed. "I'll let you know after I'm not pissed up anymore."

Sirius nodded. "Fair enough."

* * *

"Ohhh," Sirius groaned as consciousness banged harshly on his alcohol-ravaged brain.

"Come on, you lazy arse. We're going to miss breakfast!" James called impatiently from outside the dark-haired wizard's pulled curtains.

Sirius groaned again and moved to lift a hand to his pounding forehead. He couldn't. He tried again, but it was too heavy. No. That wasn't right. He tried again, it was being held down as was half of his entire body. He pried open grey eyes, but closed them back when it felt like there was sandpaper on the insides of his eyelids.

"Sirius, what is... _Holy shit_!"

"Ahhh!"

Sirius forced his eyes open and looked up at a wide-eyed and way too amused James.

James laughed silently and danced in a circle as he bit on his fist, trying not to make a noise. Peter stood in quiet shock, staring blankly at the two wizards.

Sirius lifted his head slightly, the action increasing the pounding behind his eyes, to see Greg lying half on top of him still in only boxers, arm wrapped around his chest and head resting on his shoulder. A smile pushed up his lips begrudgingly. He felt oddly comfortable despite being laid on by the boy who was almost his size. He pulled his arm out from under the sleeping wizard carefully and undid the silver chain around his neck. He put it around Greg's neck, fastening it for him. Once he was finished, he looked back up to James.

"What happened?" James asked in a strained whisper, motioning at them wildly.

Peter had taken a step closer. "Yeah, did you two shag?" he asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "He's right here, guys," he whispered back tersely. He glanced around the room quickly. "Where's Moony?"

"Shower," James whispered back.

Sirius sighed. He knew Remus would say he didn't care, but he would rather avoid the conversation altogether.

"So, did you?" Peter persisted, his voice coming out a little louder.

"Shhh," James said, smacking the boy on the back of the head lightly. "Be quiet. He's sleeping."

"It's all right. I'm awake now," Greg said, his voice rough with the sleep he had yet to shake off. He pushed himself up and reached blindly for his slacks. "I should go. I need to get ready for Hogsmeade," he said as he pulled his slacks on, buttoning them deftly. He stood up and searched for his shirts. He pulled the t-shirt on and tossed the button down over his arm. He turned to Sirius.

The Gryffindor sat up in order to walk him to the door as Greg slid his feet into his shoes. "I'll, uh-" He stopped and winced as the blood rushed from his head too quickly, and it protested angrily, pounding against his temples. He ran a hand up and held his forehead, deciding against moving any further at that moment. "I'll see you later, Greg."

"All right. See ya, Sirius. James. Peter," Greg said nonchalantly and then turned and made his way to the door. He opened it and then shut it quietly behind him.

Sirius lay back down carefully, his palms pressed over his eyes. He heard a few snorts and then sniggering commenced.

"I'll see you later, Greg," James said, lowering his voice slightly to sound like Sirius.

"All right, see ya, Sirius," Peter responded in a poor imitation of Greg.

Raucous laughter followed the words.

Sirius groaned and lifted his hands. "What was so funny about that?" he asked sharply.

James wiped at his eyes, sighing loudly between laughs as he tried to stop. "Now, I can see why you like blokes. That was the most casual post-shag goodbye I could've ever imagined."

Sirius frowned. "What was I supposed to say? Thanks?" His words were met by more laughter.

"Hey guys, what's so funny?" Remus asked as he walked into the dorm.

Sirius sat up. He steadied himself, when his vision swam a little, and then he looked over to find Remus in the bathroom's doorway. The wizard was wearing khaki slacks and a navy sweater that showed off his lean frame, his sandy blond hair was hanging around his eyes instead of being brushed neatly for class, and he had a curious smile playing at his lips. He felt his mouth go dry. What had he done?

"Sirius shagged Greg," James blurted.

Sirius groaned internally. Remus's smile disappeared from his lips. The werewolf looked over to him. Sirius blinked. He turned to James. "I never said that!" He grimaced when his head pounded from his own shouting.

James grinned. "Yeah, you didn't need to. He was lying on top of you in his boxers, and you almost looked like you were going to offer to walk him to the door. I think we can all guess what part you played."

Sirius looked back over to Remus as his two other friends laughed. The werewolf was digging rather aggressively through his trunk.

"Peter and I are going down to make plates before the dishes disappear. Hurry down, guys," James said.

Sirius watched him and Peter walk out before turning his gaze back to Remus. The werewolf was pulling out things and tossing them on the floor behind him as he continued to search for something.

Sirius stood up slowly and walked over to his friend. He hesitated, stopping a few feet away when the werewolf growled. "You okay, Remus?" he asked quietly, studying his tense posture.

"Yeah, I'm great." The sandy-blond began to search again.

"What're you looking for?" Sirius asked timidly and took another step closer.

Another growl rumbled in the werewolf's chest. "Stay. _Away_. Sirius."

"Why, did I do something?" he asked, guilt weighing heavily on him even as he waited for a response.

Remus stood up slowly and turned around. "No. But, I'd appreciate it if you kept your distance," he said slowly, sounding like he was struggling with something.

Sirius's eyebrows furrowed as he studied his friend. "Why?"

Remus shook his head, his hands clenching by his sides as he let out a slow breath. "You don't want to know."

Sirius closed the gap between them and placed his hands on his friend's shoulders. "Of course l do. Tell me."

Remus stopped breathing and took a step back and then another, putting more space between them before inhaling. He shook his head. "You smell, Sirius - you smell like... like Zabini."

"Oh." Sirius tilted his head down and sniffed at his bare shoulder. "Do I?"

Remus laughed, the sound humorless. "Yes - very strongly. And, _not_ right there."

Sirius looked up in surprise. "I see," he said, shifting uncomfortably. "That bothers you?"

Remus closed his eyes. "It's just unpleasant... being able to notice that type of thing. It's - it's weird."

Sirius nodded slightly as he chewed on the inside of his cheek a little too hard. "Yeah, I get that," he said, quietly, "Sorry."

Remus sat down on his bed. "Are you going with him to Hogsmeade then?"

Sirius frowned. "No, he's going with Parkinson, remember?" He started to walk over but then thought better of it. "Are you going with someone?" he asked, the thought causing his chest to ache. He cleared his throat, and breathed out sharply to rid himself of the unwanted feeling.

Remus looked up. "No, I told Lily I couldn't go with her."

"Oh, uh, would you like to go with me then?" he asked hesitantly.

Remus's gaze shifted over to the door. "I don't know, Sirius."

"Why not? It'd be fun just us," he said and then in a more tempting voice, "I'll hang out in Honeyduke's in the chocolate section for as long as you'd like."

Remus glanced up at him and shot him a small smile. "That does sound rather nice..."

Sirius smiled back, and he nodded. "All right. Let me just run -- and uh, get cleaned up," he said, looking away when he said the last few words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post some more tonight, because your guys's comments made me smile. :)


	30. Chapter 30

"Thanks Sirius," Remus said happily, Honeydukes' door ringing shut behind the wizard carrying a large bag of chocolate.

"No problem, you can buy my lunch," Sirius quipped as they began to walk down the sidewalk side-by-side and away from the candy shop, the clear sky above them a deep blue.

Remus laughed softly, Sirius smiling at the sound and pushing his hands into his pockets as an uncomfortable silence fell over them.

The sandy-blond cleared his throat. "So... you and Zabini?" he asked, hesitantly.

Sirius pressed his lips together and bumped his shoulder against Remus's as they crossed the cobblestone street. "Nah. That was nothing," he said in a forced light tone.

Hazel eyes flicked up at him. "He wasn't your..."

"My first?" Sirius asked. He looked away and over at the Three Broomsticks, some emotion itching at his chest. "Yeah, but we're just friends."

"People don't usually do _that_ with their friends," the sandy-blond responded, his tone somewhere between skepticism and another emotion Sirius couldn't quite place.

Sirius shrugged slightly. "I guess I'm not most people then."

"I suppose not," Remus replied as they neared the pub.

Sirius picked up his pace, jogging the last few steps, and pulled open the door for Remus. "After you, Messr Moony," he said smoothly, winking at his friend as he motioned him inside.

The werewolf shot him a sly grin. "Thank you, you incorrigible wench."

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Sirius Black - the most minted wench that ever was," he agreed glibly. The two boys stopped just inside the door, scanning the busy pub for a seat.

"Remus, over here!" Lily Evans stood in the far left corner at a table with a few of her friends, motioning him back.

"Oh Merlin, not _her_ ," Sirius muttered as he turned to face his friend, rolling his eyes.

"Sirius, be nice," Remus warned, and he shot a genial smile at the witch and began to make his way over.

"Come on, Moony, not _Evans_. She _hates_ me," Sirius hissed in his ear, pulling on his arm discreetly to stop him and planting his feet.

"No, she doesn't," Remus said out of the corner of his mouth, "Now, stop it."

"She does!" Sirius exclaimed quietly as Remus started to walk, pulling the tall beater alongside him effortlessly, Sirius's shoes sliding on the floor as he tried to find traction. "She said just yesterday - and I quote - 'The only thing I hope for more than your untimely death is that I might be there to witness it, Sirius Bl- _Well hello_ , Evans! Fancy seeing _you_ here." He shot the red-haired girl a wide smile.

The witch sneered at him before turning to Remus. "Hello, Remus. Care to join us?" she said sweetly.

Remus glanced over to Sirius, who was shaking his head vehemently for everyone to see. "Sure, mind if Sirius sits too? We came together."

"Oh, uh... _Sure_ ," she said, her voice faltering. "Have a seat." She motioned to the two seats beside her.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he jumped for the seat directly beside the witch and then patted the chair next to him for Remus. "Don't by shy, Moony." He smiled innocently at the glaring girl. "You should try smiling, Evans, it's far more attractive." Remus sat down and elbowed him, Sirius groaning and then turning it into a laugh to cover it.

"So, Remus, have you finished the Transfiguration homework yet?" Lily asked, leaning forward over the wooden table to talk to the werewolf.

Remus leaned forward too. "No, not yet. I was-"

"Black, you're a bloody bastard!"

Everyone turned to see the sixth-year Slytherin, Anthony Zabini, glowering down at Sirius.

Sirius blinked, taking in the sight of the furious wizard before him. "No, actually I'm not. My parents were definitely married when-" He stopped, the contents from a mug of butterbeer pouring down his face. A breath of a laugh escaped him as he grabbed blindly for a napkin, and he wiped the dripping, sugary liquid from his face deliberately, paying special attention to his eyes as the pub grew noticeably more quiet.

He looked back up at the wizard. "And what was that for?" he asked in a feigned calm voice.

The Slytherin's gaze narrowed. " _That_ was for what you did to my little brother," he hissed, growing visibly more upset, "You'd better stay far away from him, or I'll do much worse to you-"

"Anthony, stop!" Greg shouted as he made his way over to the corner in a rush. "Sirius, I'm sorry. He sa-"

"Don't you _dare_ talk to him, Greg! I meant what I said, if I _ever_ see you near him again I _will_ tell Mum and Dad!" the wizard shouted at his younger brother, who stopped at the threat and looked down at the floor.

Sirius clenched his jaw and stood up slowly, the muscles in his shoulders and arms tensing as he met the wizard's furious gaze with a cool one, the remaining butterbeer sliding slowly down his neck and under the collar of his soaked, expensive shirt. He was an inch taller than the sixteen year-old Slytherin but not as filled out.

He licked his lips, tasting the sticky remnants of the thrown drink and then smiled widely at the wizard, his perfectly straight white teeth on full display. "I believe there's been some sort of misunderstanding here, Greg and I are friends, I wouldn't do any—" Sirius cut off, the wizard having shoved him in the chest, pushing him back a few steps, and he let out a slow breath.

The Slytherin took a step closer and spoke quietly in a harsh voice, "The _only_ misunderstanding here is how you think you can treat people. You and your whole bloody family think you can do whatever you want, you don't care who you use or hurt as long as you get what you want. _You're all mad_."

Sirius took in a deep breath as his left eye began to twitch, the wizard's words well-honed, causing a growing pressure in his chest that was hard to ignore. He gritted his teeth. "Now, there's really no need to say such th-"

" _Shut. Up. Black_ ," the wizard growled out, taking a step closer and shoving him again, forcing him back another step. "Stay away from him. Do you understand?" he asked, moving closer yet again.

Sirius let out a breathy laugh, his right shoulder spasmed as he fought to maintain control and not retaliate. He shook his head jerkily, trying to tell himself to stay calm, his fingers itching for his wand to cast a spell that would quiet the wizard, a curse. No, no he _wasn't_ going to do that. He wasn't. He clenched his hands tightly.

"I'm sorry?" The wizard stepped even closer to him, scrutinizing him when he didn't respond. Sirius began to hum in an attempt to distract himself from the growing rage that was fighting for control of his body.

The Slytherin sneered. "You really are mad, aren't you?" he whispered in his face, "Yeah, _I can see it_. You're trying to hide it, but you won't be able to forever. And when you finally lose it, _everyone_ will hate you, just like they should."

And then Sirius felt a dark smile begin to curl up his lips as his anger slowly started to twist and bend, morphing as the wizard continued to stare at him in complete disgust, like he was drawing it out of him. He was right, everyone would hate him. He would be _all alone_. Laughter escaped his lips unbidden at the thought.

The Slytherin shook his head and took a step back. "Yeah, I'll say whatever I like. And _you_ , Black, are clearly one fucked up, _dark_ bastard."

Sirius's laughter began to grow louder, sounding oddly giddy to his own ears, and then his gaze suddenly flashed black, and he swung his fist—making solid contact with the wizard's jaw.

The older wizard stumbled back a few feet before gathering himself and then rushing Sirius, running his shoulder into his stomach and slamming him back against the wall a few feet behind him, knocking the air from his chest as wizards scrambled to move out of their way.

Sirius groaned, his hands dropping to hang loosely by his sides, as the wizard held him pinned to the wall with a hand to the chest. He smiled widely as pain racked his body. "Is that the best you can do?" he goaded and turned his head just before a fist landed, hitting him under the eye - and then one met his nose, a crunching noise making him feel sick. He felt another round of laughs rock his chest as he waited for another hit, not even trying to fight back.

The Slytherin held his hand on Sirius's shaking chest. He leaned forward and whispered tersely, "Don't _ever_ touch him again." He started to back away when Sirius's hand _snapped_ up and grabbed the wizard by the back of his head, keeping it in place.

He leaned in closer, almost touching the wizard's ear with his lips, and they curled up. "I don't know if I can do that," he whispered with a smile in his voice, "He was _so good_." 

A heavy fist landed on his stomach and then another and another. He laughed silently, his shoulders shaking and lungs refusing to work as he embraced the fresh pain, welcomed more, not even trying to protect himself as the abuse continued.

Suddenly it was gone.

"That's _enough_. You've made your point." The familiar voice floated around aimlessly in Sirius's mind, sounding oddly distant. It tried to comfort him but disappeared too soon.

"What, is he your friend?" There was an angry laugh. "You're fooling yourself if you think that! _Look_ at him! He doesn't even know how to feel! He was _enjoying_ himself!"

Sirius slid down the wall, his mind working hard but not making any sense. He had deserved it. The pain. He had deserved it all. He was bad. Very bad. He had done something. He was sure. Only pain. A familiar face forced itself forward. So much blood. His hands were covered in blood. No, it wasn't blood, it was a curse. He started laughing again. It helped to block out the thoughts.

"Just go." The words were said quietly, forcefully.

" _Fine_. You'll regret this one day though. You'll wish I had beat the shit out of him. Mark my words." Loud footsteps and curses were followed by the sound of a door slamming.

"Remus, I'm sorry." The words were spoken in a nearby hushed voice. "Tell him I'm sorry. You have to know I didn't tell him. He was waiting for me when I went back to my dorm this morning, and he saw Sirius's necklace. I didn't even know I was wearing it. And he somehow figured-"

"Greg, it's fine. Don't worry about it, I'll make sure he's okay."

"Thanks, can you give this to him for me?"

"No - No, just keep it. I think he wanted you to have it."

Sirius's eyes fluttered open as an arm slid behind his back and looped under his arm, pulling him up, a familiar scent filling his senses and soothing him.

"Come on, Sirius."

* * *

"I'm fine," Sirius insisted as he batted away Remus's hand from his face.

"Evanesco," Remus murmured, cleaning the butterbeer from his friend's face, neck and shirt.

Sirius felt more liquid begin to run down his face. He touched a hand to his nose and then pulled it away and looked at it. His hand was covered in blood. He looked around. They were on a dirt path, walking away from the main street. His mind began to work again as he remembered parts of what had happened in the pub. Greg's brother had hit him.

"I'm bleeding," he said as Remus helped him sit down on a bench that peered down over the Shrieking Shack.

Remus looked at his face as he sat down beside him. "Do you want me to fix it for you?" he asked quietly.

Sirius sighed and nodded. "Yeah, please."

Remus lifted his wand and healed his eye, waiting for the skin to completely even out to its natural tone, and for Sirius to let out a breath before moving to his nose. He touched it gently.

" _Ow_!" Sirius shoved his hand away. "That hurts, Remus!"

"Stop acting like a baby, Sirius, I had to see if it was broken. I'm going to have to fix that first," he said. "Brace yourself."

Sirius raised one eyebrow and shot him an arched look.

Remus pressed his lips together and flicked his wand. " _Episkey_."

A loud crunching noise was followed with an even louder groan and then curses. Sirius leaned over in pain, nausea moving up his throat as he breathed unevenly.

"Now it hurts, huh? Let me see it." Remus put a finger under Sirius's chin and pushed his face up. He studied it for a moment to confirm he hadn't changed the shape unintentionally and then waved his wand and cleared the blood and then the forming bruise. He sighed. "There. I probably should have left it, honestly."

" _What_?" Sirius shot his friend a look of utter disbelief. " _Why_?"

"What were you thinking, hitting him, Sirius?" Remus asked angrily.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and looked away, the cold winter air stinging his still sensitive face. "He was being a git," he muttered, not able to explain to his friend why the wizard's words had elicited such a response.

"That makes two of you then."

Sirius jumped up at that. "I'm sorry? Did I go over and throw my drink in his face?!" he shouted down at the sandy blond.

Remus stood up and glared. "No," he spoke in a low voice, "no, you just shagged his little brother, who you don't even like as more than a casual friend."

Sirius took a step back. "You think I _deserved_ it?" he asked, looking at the wizard as if he had betrayed him.

Remus settled back down on the bench and looked away. "Maybe."

Sirius stood quietly for a moment. "Fuck you, Remus," he said coldly.

Remus looked up at him. "You're a real jerk. You know that, Sirius?"

Sirius stood still for a moment, struggling at what to do. He wanted to leave, or maybe hit his friend in the face or hex him a few times. He breathed slowly, gathering his thoughts. Maybe he just wanted to kiss him or more because he knew he'd like it or possibly hate it. It didn't matter. Did it? He shook his head, his disjointed thoughts making him dizzy. He swallowed, his chest convulsing in a hiccup as he felt the emotions he was holding in try to escape. He looked over at his friend, sitting on the bench.

The only thing he could be sure of at that moment was he didn't want Remus to hate him.

"You're right," he forced out the painful admission, nodding dejectedly, "You're right. I'm sorry, Remus." He stayed rooted in place, not able to handle the rejection if his friend pushed him away.

Remus stared at the Shrieking Shack for a long moment and then let out a heavy sigh before looking at him. He stood up slowly. "Yeah, well. So am I. I stood there and let him get quite a few punches on you before I stepped in."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. "Well, ah, that's understandable, I suppose..."

Remus grinned tiredly as he walked over and then swung an arm up around his shoulders, pulling him towards the path back to the cobbled street. "Come on, let's go back to the castle."


	31. Chapter 31

"Hello Sirius."

Grey eyes opened and found themselves staring up into bright blue ones. "Hello there, Evie."

The witch stood quietly for a few beats, as if she were waiting for something. "Could I talk to you for a moment?" she asked.

"Certainly," Sirius said easily.

"...Alone?" she asked softly.

"Uh, sure," he said. He sat up. "I'll be right back, Moony."

The sandy-blond, whose lap he had been using as a pillow up until that point, nodded, turning the page of his DADA book without looking over.

Sirius pushed himself off the cool floor of the library, smoothed down his untucked white shirt - his Gryffindor tie abandoned on the floor next to Remus's bag, and he grinned crookedly at the waiting blonde. "Lead the way," he said. He followed the blonde witch past a cluster of occupied tables commandeered by a Ravenclaw study group and then down a few aisles until they came to a dead end, and she turned to look at him, the only sound coming from an open window the next aisle over, a first-year flying class in session.

"Sirius, I need to ask you something," the Slytherin witch hedged in a suddenly nervous voice.

The tall wizard leaned back against the wall and nodded, brows furrowing only the slightest bit. "All right."

The girl took in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly before saying, "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Sirius let out a laugh, and he grinned. "Yes, very."

She smiled hesitantly at that and moved closer to him. "Are you attracted to me?" she asked.

Sirius reached out and took her hands, tugging her closer, and wrapped them up around his neck as he leaned over her. " _Definitely_." He pressed his lips against hers, his arms encircling her slender waist, and he pulled her even closer.

She pulled back after a few moments, cheeks flushed and gaze unsure. "So, uh. Why haven't we... _you know_."

Black brows raised. "You'd want to do _that_?" he asked in a disbelieving voice. He'd assumed she would at least want to wait until their engagement had become official.

"Well." The witch bit at her bottom lip, worrying it. "You did with... with Greg, right?" she asked.

Grey eyes blinked once, the wizard's hands dropping from the girl's waist suddenly. "What's your point?"

"Well..." The girl fidgeted, her arms relaxing their hold around his neck. "And then, just now, you were lying with your head in your friend's lap. Why don't we do ever do that?"

Sirius stood upright and pushed off the wall, pulling away from her touch. "You want me to put my head in your lap while you read on the floor in the library?" he asked in a monotone voice.

"No, not exactly," she said nervously. She took a step closer to him. Sirius took two steps back.

"Well, then what do you want?" he asked shortly, grey eyes flitting around the space, sliding over dusty texts that covered the shelves on either side, as he avoided the witch's suddenly suffocating gaze.

"I just. What about the Gryffindor witch, who you snogged everywhere in the castle last year? You didn't want to do that with _me_?" she asked, wringing her hands.

Sirius's jaw tensed. "Would you have _liked_ to snog in front of everyone, Evie?" he asked sharply, already knowing the answer to that question.

"No. That's, that's not what I'm trying to say."

Sirius took a step closer and looked down at the blonde witch coolly. "Listen, _Greengrass_ , I did those things with those people, because I wanted to. I don't like to play games. If you have a real question then ask me. If not, I need to get back to my friend."

The witch nodded jerkily. Her chin began to wobble.

Sirius growled. "Don't. Do that."

"I'm sorry," she apologized quietly and then let out a sob anyway.

Sirius pushed his lips together tightly between his teeth, his hands clenching at his sides as the girl began to cry in earnest.

"Hey, is something wrong? I heard cry-" Remus stopped when he saw who was standing there. "Sirius, what did you _do_ to her?"

Sirius's jaw dropped open. "Me? I didn't do _anything_!" The witch's cries got louder.

Sirius's gaze jerked back to the girl. "I said to stop that!" he shouted. He reached out his hands to shake her.

" _Sirius_!" Remus shouted, pushing him aside. The sandy blond wrapped his arms around the witch's shoulders and patted her awkwardly on the back when she leaned into him, grabbing hold of his shirt. "It's okay, it's okay," he mumbled as the girl shook in his arms.

Sirius studied them for a moment, not sure what to make of the scene. "What are you _doing_ , Remus? She's crying, you think coddling her is going to get her to stop?"

Remus looked up at Sirius, shooting him a concerned look that only agitated him further, before redirecting his attention back to the upset witch in his arms.

"Fine, I'm going. Have fun," he said, turning and walking off as he ignored his friend's whispered yells for him.

* * *

" _Sirius Black!_ " Remus shouted as he walked into the dorm an hour later, slamming the door shut loudly behind him.

Sirius looked up from his spot on his bed. He studied his angry friend curiously. "Yeah? Oh, uh, Remus, your shirt's a bit wet. Right here," he said, motioning with his finger to the spot directly below his own right shoulder for demonstrative purposes.

Remus closed his eyes and let out a slow breath, unclenching his tense jaw, before opening them back. The sandy blond walked over to him, settling down on the edge of his bed, posture still noticeably tense. "Yes, I _know that_." He sat quietly for a moment and then looked over at the dark-haired wizard, an apprehensive look on his features. "Sirius, when you were little-"

"Did you spill some pumpkin juice on yourself?" Sirius asked, cutting him off as he reached for the wand resting on his nightstand. "I'll get it for you."

" _Sirius_!" Remus held up his hands, blocking the wizard's aim. "Stop it. They're tears. Don't be _thick_ , all right?"

Sirius blinked, the admission bothering him for some reason. He ignored it. "So, you want to keep them on your shirt why?" He shot his friend an arched look.

Remus growled and then took another deep breath and let it out. "Fine, clean it."

Sirius flicked his wand and then grinned when the werewolf's shirt was once again spotless. "Silent spell. Impressive, huh? I was reading-" Unintelligible mumbling completed the sentence.

Remus's hand was covering his mouth. "I want to talk to you, Sirius," he said slowly, his gaze trained expectantly on surprised grey eyes. "It's rather important. All right?" he added, nodding his head to encourage the wizard to follow suit.

Sirius nodded back slowly, and the werewolf's hand lowered from his mouth. He shot his friend a look of complete bemusement.

"Sirius..."

"Remus..." Sirius grinned impishly.

Remus made an agitated noise, clenched his jaw, let out a huff of air, and then relaxed again. "Sirius," he paused but then continued quickly when Sirius opened his mouth, "can you remember crying as a child?"

Sirius raised one dark eyebrow. "Remus, despite what Anthony Zabini may think I _am_ capable of feelings," he said dryly, hiding his agitation.

"No, I know that," Remus responded quickly. "That's not what I mean. What I'm trying to ask is... When you _would_ cry what would happen?"

Sirius pressed his lips together, not sure how he was feeling as a sudden buzzing took up in his chest. "Why am I getting these weird questions today?"

Remus scooted closer on the bed. "When Evie cried. What did you feel like doing?"

Sirius frowned. "Leave _mostly,_ " he hedged uncomfortably.

The sandy-blond nodded quickly. "What else?"

Sirius chewed on the inside of his lip as he eyed his friend warily. "I probably shouldn't say. You'll get upset with me."

"No, I promise I won't."

"Do we have to talk about this?" he asked, and when Remus only waited, he sighed and dropped back onto his bed and thought for a moment as he stared up at the ceiling, the buzzing in his chest growing stronger but not making any more sense. "Well, I got angry, and I shouted at her, and then when she wouldn't stop I wanted to... to make her stop," he said, feeling more unsettled.

Remus climbed up and settled down beside him, his movements almost seeming careful. "What would your parents do if you cried in front of them?" he asked quietly.

"Smack me," Sirius answered unthinkingly, the wizard beside him tensed, and he added, "I mean, but _only_ if I wouldn't stop. They'd usually only tell me to quit or shout a little, and then I'd stop. It wasn't a big deal or anything, Remus." He swallowed, the action oddly difficult, and he pushed down an unexpected welling of emotions as the buzzing tried to rise in his chest. He blinked a few times.

Remus let out a deep breath beside him and scooted closer. He wrapped an arm around Sirius's chest and gave him a gentle squeeze.

Sirius's lips tugged up a little, a warmth replacing some of the unwanted feelings. "Why are you hugging me?" he asked, more than a little surprised. He couldn't remember the wizard ever hugging him. He was always the one to initiate them.

Remus wrapped his arm around him more tightly at the question. "Because I should," he said quietly.

Sirius laughed softly. "Yes, I agree." He closed his eyes and relaxed as the werewolf hugged him tightly.

* * *

 Sirius stalked purposefully down the busy castle hallways on the first day of December.

"Sirius, did you just tell Evie to 'sod off?'" James asked as he followed beside his friend, who was walking as quickly as he could, without breaking into a jog, away from the blonde Slytherin. He glanced back at Remus and Peter, who both nodded in response.

"Maybe. She's being weird lately," Sirius muttered as he slowed down to scan a group of Slytherins wizards before speeding back up.

"Looking for someone?" James asked casually.

"No," Sirius responded immediately. He turned the corner and came to a sudden halt, his gaze settling on a certain wizard.

"Sirius, Sirius, _no_." James grabbed at his friend's arm.

Sirius ripped his sleeve away and pushed James back into Remus. He quickly made his way to the room the wizard had just walked into. "Can I sit here?" the tall wizard asked, only slightly out of breath.

Greg looked up from his seat in History of Magic. He thought for a moment. "Yeah. Why not?" He grinned up at the wizard and pushed the empty seat back for him.

Sirius returned the gesture and sat down beside the Slytherin, who he hadn't sat with or talked to in more than a passing 'hello' since his birthday. He glanced over at Crabbe and Goyle and waved, the two wizards nodding silently in response. He pulled out his book and let it drop loudly on the table in front of him.

"Sirius, Sirius get back here _right now."_ The hissed words came from behind the two wizards.

Sirius shook his head and didn't turn around. "So, is your brother still upset?" he asked in a casual tone, ignoring the string of whispered expletives directed at him.

"My brother is a huge arse," Greg replied.

Sirius grinned and looked over at the lean wizard. He was wearing a fitted, dark green button up and black slacks. "Sorry about all that."

Greg shrugged his shoulders in an easy manner. "You didn't do anything I wouldn't have."

Sirius's smile grew. "Do you normally let your brother beat you up?"

"Well, I suppose that part was a bit off," the Slytherin admitted in amusement. "It's a good thing Remus was there. He's a lot stronger than he looks."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. So, uh. I was wondering if you-"

"Friday?"

The dark-haired wizard nodded as he discreetly ran his gaze over the wizard beside him once more. "Yeah, all right."

* * *

"Sirius! You can't honestly be considering this! Zabini is-"

Sirius shoved his friend as they walked through the crowded Gryffindor common room Friday afternoon before dinner, the witches in their year, including Lily Evans, sitting at a couch near the portrait. "Shut up, James! Do you want everyone to hear?" he hissed.

The wizard huffed and continued by his best friend, scrubbing at wild locks in agitation. He spoke in a hushed tone, " _Fine_. But can't you just handle it yourself? Or-"

"James. You wouldn't understand, you've only kissed Sarah."

"I will have you know I had my hands up her blouse last weekend after Hogsmeade." He started up the steps, wiggling his eyebrows as he held his hands out and mimed said activity.

Sirius rolled his eyes, a begrudging grin pushing up the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, well after she puts her hands down your pants or drops her knickers for you then let me know if you'd rather just 'handle it yourself.' It's so much better, you-" He stopped.

"What?" Remus stood by his trunk, adjusting his tie and looking at the two raven-haired wizards, who had just entered the dorm and were staring at him silently.

"Nothing," James and Sirius both said quickly.

Remus shot them a suspicious look. "No, tell me."

Peter spoke up, "Snogging."

Sirius turned around and glared at the blond boy. "Where did you come from?"

"Sirius, he's been with us the whole time," James said, smacking his friend on the chest. "Have you kissed anyone Remus?" he asked in a curious tone as he walked towards his bed. He stopped mid-step and spun back around, glaring accusingly at Sirius. " _Wait_. Your birthday. You - _you_ said you'd kissed _Remus_! I remember that now!"

Sirius looked away.

" _What_?" Peter asked as he walked over to his own bed.

James looked between Remus and Sirius, both wizards avoiding his gaze. "Well?"

Sirius chanced a glance over at Remus, who looked like he wanted to jump out the window. He let out a loud laugh, drawing James's attention. "Yeah, I was lying about that," he said quickly. Remus looked over at him in surprise.

"Why would you do that?" James asked slowly, looking like he didn't quite believe the wizard.

Sirius began to walk towards his best friend, stopping when he was right in front of him. He grinned down at the slightly shorter wizard. "I just really wanted to kiss you, Jamie."

James's face turned a deep red. "You stupid _arse_!" he shouted and then let out a yelp when Sirius tackled him to the bed. " _Get off,_ Sirius!"

Sirius lay on top of the squirming wizard and laughed. "Well, all right, if you insist-"

"No! No, _don't_! Stop it!" James kneed the wizard in the stomach, knocking him to the side, and then the two boys began to try to shove the other one off the bed.

* * *

Sirius walked beside Greg as they made their way through the mostly empty hallways a few hours later.

"I shouldn't stay tonight. My brother only noticed last month, because I was gone all night," Greg said, glancing out the window at the darkened grounds.

Sirius nodded. "All right." He looked around them before saying in a low tone, "So, are you up for some drinking?"

Greg laughed and nodded. "Sure. Gryffindors definitely are _much_ different from Slytherins," he said in an amused voice.

Sirius grinned and shrugged his shoulders. He looked down at the floor, his smile growing more tense. "Sometimes I don't feel like I quite belong there," he admitted, surprising himself at the admission.

Greg nodded quietly.

Sirius continued to look down at his shoes as they walked along the grey stones. "My friends, they just seem so...I don't know. Like they were meant to be in Gryffindor. Ya know?"

Greg nodded again. "Yeah." He looked over at the dark-haired wizard. "Honestly, I think you'd be a terrible Slytherin, Black." He shot the wizard a grin.

Sirius's smile relaxed, and he shook his head. "You're just saying that to make me feel better, Zabini."

The two wizards laughed as they stopped in front of the portrait to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius said the password, and the portrait swung open as it glared suspiciously at the non-Gryffindor.

Sirius stepped in and glanced around the busy room, noting that his friends were not there. "Good, they're upstairs already. Come on," he said, guiding the Slytherin towards the staircase to his dorm quickly.

"So, they're okay with me coming up?" Greg asked as they made their way up the winding stairs.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, of course," he lied. James had not been pleased in the least. He seemed convinced that Sirius just liked being beaten up and wanted Greg's older brother to attack him again, and Remus didn't seem too happy either. But, that didn't make any sense. Remus liked everyone. Sirius's hand landed on the handle to their room and pushed the door open.

"Sirius! And... _Greg_." James frowned and then quickly smiled. "Hey there, mate."

Greg quirked a smile, his eyes twinkling. "Hello, James."

"Hey, Greg. Are you hanging out with us tonight?" Peter asked in an excited voice as he reached under his bed for something.

"Yeah, Sirius asked me. Hope you guys don't mind," the Slytherin said as he walked over and sat on Sirius's bed.

"No. Of course not," Peter replied as he pulled out a box of candy. He walked over and sat down on Sirius's bed too, looking through his stash for something to give to the boy.

Sirius glared at James and then walked over to Remus's bed. He leaned over and whispered in the werewolf's ear. "Being a bit unsocial, are we, Moony?"

"I'm always unsocial," Remus replied, not looking up from his book and pushing the boy away from his ear.

Sirius laughed and then strolled lazily over to James's bed. "So, where are we going to do this?"

James shot an uneasy look over at the Slytherin. "Well, I don't want to get him in trouble. Maybe we should just stay in here?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, all right." He glanced over at Remus, and then to Peter and Greg. "Or we could use some of that Polyjuice potion we nicked from Slughorn last week," he hedged.

James looked over to him. "And, which of us would he look like?" he asked in a disturbed tone. Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he thought. "And it's _not_ going to be me," James added quickly.

Sirius looked over at him with a wide grin. "Why? Don't fancy watching me snog you?" he asked with a laugh. His gaze shifted between his friends, landing on Remus.


	32. Chapter 32

"I have to say Greg, you're looking _quite_ dashing tonight," Sirius said in a solicitous tone. The tall, dark-haired wizard grinned widely as he walked, looking over his shoulder, ogling the wizard behind him.

" _Shut up_ , Sirius," James snapped, shoving his friend almost into a nearby suit of armor, as the four Gryffindors and single Slytherin made their way after curfew down the corridor to the outdoors. Sirius barely sidestepped the charmed statue, and then shoved his best friend back, earning him a few harsh words as the wizard scrambled not to fall on his face.

Greg laughed silently, shaking his head as he walked between Peter and Remus. He leaned over to Remus and whispered, "This is kind of weird. Don't you think?"

Remus glanced up at him and then looked away quickly. He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

Greg studied the wizard for an extra moment and then peered down at his new body and grinned.

"Hey now, this isn't going to cut into my snogging time, is it?" Sirius asked, eyeing the wizard dubiously as he caught him appreciating his temporary body.

Greg winked at him. "Maybe."

James shoved the heavy door open that led out to the Quidditch pitch. "Hurry up guys, we need to get to the pitch and set up the enchantment before we get spotted by Filch," he said.

Sirius dropped back and fell into step beside Greg, Remus and Peter speeding up. "Fancy a kiss, Zabini?" he asked once his friends were well ahead of them.

Greg laughed, eyes dancing with amusement. "Isn't that a little strange for you?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, not particularly. In fact. I think it's kind of hot." He met the wizard's matching grey gaze as they crossed the line to the pitch where his three friends were working together to set up a disillusionment charm to cover the entire field.

Greg nodded. "Yeah, it kind of is. All right," he said with an easy smile.

Sirius let out an excited laugh and then pulled the wizard toward him and pressed their identical mouths together. He slid hands up into black hair that was his, and ran his tongue along a matching one. He groaned and trailed his hands down, wrapping arms around a waist that mirrored his perfectly, pulling the body flush against him.

"That's so fucking weird, Sirius, it looks like you're snogging your twin."

Sirius flipped off his best friend as he continued to kiss the wizard. He pulled back when Greg started to laugh and placed a few more quick kisses on the boy's lips before looking over to his friends. He winked at Remus, who was standing and gaping at the two Sirius wizards.

He leaned in and whispered to the Slytherin, "Make sure you don't take anymore, or you won't look like yourself when we get back."

Greg grinned at him. "I'm not sure you'd care."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, hiding the impish look that was trying to give him away. "Maybe not." He took the wizard's hand and tugged him towards his group of friends.

* * *

 Sirius leaned back, lazily resting the weight of his upper body on hands planted in not quite frozen grass, long legs stretched out in front of him, as he sat at the edge of the Quidditch field furthest from the castle beside a quietly drinking Remus.

There was a slight breeze, the cool air more relaxing than chilling as alcohol hummed warmly in the wizard's muscles. Greg and James were flying above, zipping around the pitch, laughing and chasing a snitch, Peter standing in the middle as an extra spotter for the nearly invisible game piece in the night sky.

Sirius cocked his head to the side as he idly studied the grassy patch of space between his and Remus's legs. "Remus, would you snog Greg?"

The werewolf choked on his drink. "I'm - I'm sorry?" he asked around coughs as he wiped at his chin, catching the spilled liquid with his sleeve, a bottle of red liquid in his hand.

Sirius shifted closer to the wizard and then dropped back into the cool grass, lying stretched out, and grey eyes focused up on the star-blanketed sky, the grounds behind them shrouded in darkness, tall stands on either side, their only other light Remus's wand charmed to glow a soft silver. He grabbed the werewolf's sleeve and tugged at it. "Lay with me," he said.

Remus set his drink in the grass and settled down. "...You want _me_ to snog _Greg_ ," the sandy-blond hesitantly restated the question, eyebrows pushed together as he looked over at him.

"Well," Sirius said, a grin tugging at his lips, "while he looks like me at any rate, that way I can see how we look together."

Remus let out a laugh and rolled onto his side and closer to the wizard. "You're much funnier when I'm drunk."

"Well, I'll just have to keep you pissed up from now on," he said, eliciting more laughter from his friend. Sirius smiled at the sound as he looked up at the sky, James passing overhead before zooming off to the other side of the pitch. "I wanted to use you at first," he said.

Remus stilled at his side. "I'm sorry?"

"For the potion," Sirius clarified. "But, I didn't know, what with your..."

"My scars?" Remus asked quietly, finishing his sentence.

Sirius nodded slightly, still staring up at the starry sky, Peter shouting from across the field. "Yeah. Thought it might be a bad idea." The two wizards lay silently for a few beats, James's heckling filling the air above them.

"Why me?" Remus asked.

Sirius pushed himself into a sitting position, feeling suddenly fidgety. He picked up the bottle of flavored alcohol, and began to worry a corner of the bottle's label with his thumbnail, his mind running wild, supplying too many answers for the simple question. Because he was smart and funny and kind, and he smelled ridiculously good all the time, because his laugh made him smile without fail. Because he was Remus. "I think you're really fit," he said instead.

James jumped off his broom just then and let out a loud whoop, holding up the still struggling golden snitch in his gloved-hand victoriously. Greg lowered his and climbed off, James wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him towards Remus and Sirius.

"This guy is a flying genius!" James shouted, laughing raucously as he ruffled a hand through the boy's longer than usual hair, "He might be better than you, Sirius!"

Sirius grinned and shoved himself up. "Yeah. And he's bloody _gorgeous_ to boot," he declared as they approached.

* * *

The five wizards had just stepped off the moving staircase when the polyjuice potion wore off, and Greg was back to normal.

Sirius looked over to him, his gaze running all over the wizard. His hair was shorter, his eyes darkened to a rich shade of chocolate, his skin tone deepened and his facial features more angular. "Good to have you back, mate," he said in a grinning whisper, lips just brushing the wizard's ear. He walked beside him down the hallway, through the common room and then grabbed the Slytherin's hand as soon as they were on the winding staircase, interlacing their fingers as they made their way up to the dorm.

"You guys up for a game?" James asked as he walked into the room, grabbing Greg, who was behind him, and pulling him away from Sirius with a smirk on his face as he guided him to the center of the room.

Sirius glared at him as he followed them in. "Yeah, all right. What do you propose?"

Remus and Peter joined them, James sitting down beside Greg.

"Truth or dare, of course."

Sirius groaned as he settled down on the floor beside Remus. "Come on, Potter, pick something else," he complained, lying down on his side and placing his head on Remus's leg out of habit.

"No, I like this game. And, it's my birthday next, so I get first pick," the wild-haired wizard said obstinately, and he took a swig from their last bottle of firewhiskey, eyeing Sirius in Remus's lap, and then turned to Greg on his right. "Pick Greg."

The Slytherin thought for a moment. "Truth."

James nodded excitedly. "All right. How far have you gotten with Parkinson?"

Greg picked up the bottle, took a drink and held it in his hand as he glanced over at a curious Sirius. "We shagged last night."

Sirius felt a twinge of something in his chest as he processed the words, he forced a cheeky grin and let out a laugh. He wrapped his arm up around Remus's leg like he was hugging it. "How was she?" he asked in an unaffected tone.

Greg nodded as he eyed the wizard, considering the question. "Very nice."

Sirius's grin grew more genuine, and he nestled his head against his friend's leg, excitement shooting through him at the response.

Greg's gaze moved up to a very drunk Remus. "Truth or dare, Remus?"

Remus began carding his fingers through Sirius's hair, the taller wizard humming low in appreciation as he did. "Dare."

Greg took another drink as he continued to watch the two wizards. "Make out with Sirius."

Sirius's heart stopped, the werewolf's hand froze in his hair. He shot Greg a bemused look as he pushed himself upright, the Slytherin's expression seemingly one of quiet amusement.

James let out a loud laugh. "Yes, do it! I had to kiss him last time!" he heckled the sandy-blond.

Peter nodded by James's side. "Yeah, go for it."

Sirius turned to Remus. "Moony, we don't have-" He stopped when Remus's mouth swallowed his words.

Grey eyes fell shut, and his hands were suddenly sliding up Remus's chest and neck and grabbing the wizard's short sandy locks, trying to pull him closer, Remus's mouth opening further in response. Sirius groaned appreciatively, and his tongue moved in between parted lips he had missed for _far_ too long.

The werewolf shifted closer, moving over him and making Sirius lean backwards until he found himself falling back the last few inches onto the cool floor with Remus's warm body following immediately, landing half on top of him. A heated hand ran under the wizard's untucked shirt, resting on his hip and gripping it a little too firmly, causing a needy moan to escape from Sirius's mouth and intensifying the kiss further.

James cleared his throat loudly.

Remus pulled back suddenly, his eyes almost completely black as he looked down at the wizard, his chest heaving and lips parted.

Sirius stared up at him, his heart pounding and his blood on fire. "Thanks Moony," he said in a ragged voice and then let out a breathy laugh, Remus smiling and shaking his head in response. He watched in disappointment as the sandy-blond took in one last deep breath, his eyes returning to normal finally, and then sat upright and back in his spot.

Sirius pushed himself up slowly as he smoothed his hair down. He looked around the circle.

James and Peter appeared gobsmacked, and Greg's expression seemed to be one of curious amusement.

Remus cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "Truth or dare, Sirius?" he asked in a rough voice.

Sirius sat quietly for a moment and then shook his head slightly as he tried to gather his thoughts. "Oh, uh - truth."

"Who do you like better - Evie or Greg?"

Sirius's eyebrows shot up as he looked over at his friend. Remus had one dark, sandy brow raised unapologetically as he waited.

Sirius looked down at his hands, and he cleared his throat. "Greg," he said, the answer was met with silence.

He forced himself to look back up, a grin plastered on his face. "Don't tell me you guys are surprised," he said in a joking tone as his chest beat a little too hard, confusion muddling his senses as he fought to discern if it was from kissing Remus or the admission about Greg.

James let out a laugh, breaking the heavy silence, and shook his head. "No, I suppose not. You're bloody mad." He patted Greg on the back. "No offense, Greg."

The wizard smiled easily. "None taken." He avoided Sirius's gaze.

"Truth or dare, Pete?" Sirius asked quickly.

"Truth," the boy responded. "I don't want to kiss any of you," he added.

Sirius arched one pitch-dark eyebrow. "Did you eat my cauldron cake last night?"

Peter let out a squeaky noise, and the group broke out into laughter. "Was that yours?"

Sirius picked up a nearby pair of rolled-up socks and tossed them at the blond wizard. "You bloody bastard. I knew it," he said half-heartedly. He lay down on his back, placing his head in Remus's lap once more. He looked up at the werewolf. "Would you rub my head, Moony?" he asked quietly.

Remus nodded, not looking down and began to run his fingers through the wizard's hair once more. Sirius sighed, his eyes closing as Peter thought up a dare for James.

* * *

"Sirius, Sirius. Wake up."

Grey eyes opened slowly and focused groggily on a leaning over Remus. "Moony," he said softly, a tired smile curling up his lips in a content fashion.

Remus cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'm going to bed now, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head and wrapped his arms around the werewolf's waist, his fingers locking to hold him in place. "No, you can't. You're my pillow, Remus," he protested.

Remus untangled the wizard's fingers from themselves. "Use your real pillow. I'm tired."

Sirius mumbled his dissent but moved off the wizard and onto the floor. He turned his head to see James and Greg still awake. The two wizards were sitting close together looking at a Quidditch magazine. "You two would make a pretty couple."

James flipped off his friend. Greg looked up and smiled in amusement.

Sirius pushed himself up. He frowned down at his wrinkled grey shirt that was gathered uncomfortably around his arms and chest and began to unbutton it. He pulled it off and then the shirt under and dropped them on the floor, before lying down on his stomach, a chill running welcomingly across his too hot chest. The cold that had begun to seep into his upper body started to slide downward, the chill feeling surprisingly nice on his lower body. A groan slipped from his lips.

"Shut up, Sirius," James snapped.

Sirius laughed, turning his head to face the two wizards again. "Don't like my noises, Jamie?"

James set the magazine down on the floor, scowling at his grinning best friend. "Not those ones," he said as he stood up. He yawned and patted Greg on the head. "Later, Zabini."

"Potter," the wizard said in kind. He stood up as James's curtains pulled shut behind him, grabbing his shoes as he did.

Sirius pushed himself up quickly. "You're leaving already?" he asked in a disappointed voice. Greg walked tiredly towards Sirius, who pulled him into a quick kiss when he reached him. "Don't go yet," he whispered.

Greg stepped back and looked around the quiet room. "I could stay for a little while, I suppose," he said, matching his quiet tone.

Sirius nodded immediately and began to back the wizard towards his bed. "Yes, just for a little while," he said smoothly. He began to nibble on the boy's ear. "You and Parkinson, huh?"

Greg nodded jerkily as Sirius's hands ran under his shirt. "Y-yeah."

Sirius groaned, and he licked the wizard's neck. "I wonder if you still taste like her," he whispered roughly.

Greg gasped as the backs of his legs hit Sirius's bed. "You could check if you want."

Sirius growled. "Fuck, yes," he hissed and shoved the boy in, crawling in after him and jerking the curtains shut.

* * *

Greg pulled on his boxers, Sirius doing the same. The wizard moved to sit up.

"Wait, just stay. It's too late to go now," Sirius murmured against the wizard's neck.

Greg stilled. "Yeah, it really is. What the hell," he said drowsily, resting his head back onto the pillow.

Sirius wrapped a possessive arm around the wizard's chest. "I like it when you stay."

Greg laughed softly. "Yeah? You don't strike me as the cuddling type."

Sirius scooted closer and wrapped a leg around him. "Well, you're wrong. I am with _certain_ people." He pushed away the sudden thought of Remus. _He's not interested in me,_ he chastised his too persistent mind. He placed a kiss on the wizard's shoulder, directing his thoughts to more appropriate material. "I think I like you, Greg."

Greg turned his head towards him. " _Really_?" he asked, his voice guarded but a small amount of surprise had snuck into it.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Too bad you're hitting it off with Parkinson."

Greg blinked slowly. "Listen, she and I, we're not serious..."

Sirius grinned. "No, _I_ am."

Greg rolled his eyes. "No, I just mean, despite last night..." he paused for a few beats, and when he continued his voice had grown more quiet, more hesitant," she doesn't _mean_ anything to me."

Sirius shifted closer at that and spoke quietly against the wizard's skin, the words hard to make out as an odd feeling rushed in his chest. "Do I?" He braced himself for rejection.

Greg swallowed and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I think you do." He looked to the wizard.

Sirius placed a kiss on his mouth, smiling against his lips as they opened, the wizard responding eagerly.


	33. Chapter 33

Sirius walked beside Greg to the door of his dorm, stopping just short of it. "I guess I'll see you later. Do you want to do something tonight?" he whispered almost in the boy's ear as he stood next to the dressed wizard in only a pair of dark green pajama pants, his bare feet beginning to sting from the cold morning December floors. The rising sun hung low in the sky, its growing light sneaking into the still mostly sleeping tower along with the distant sound of birds looking for their breakfast.

Greg pressed his lips together between his teeth and nodded slightly. "Yeah, if I can, I'll see," he responded in an equally hushed tone.

"Okay. Try really... _hard_ ," he whispered back in a suggestive tone, lifting dark eyebrows as he looked into chocolate-colored eyes, adjusting the wizard's crooked tie for him.

"I will." Greg looked to be fighting a grin, losing after Sirius quirked one himself, a laugh escaping his upturned lips but quickly turning into a moan when Sirius decided to press him up against the door, trapping him between it and his body. "Sirius, I really need to-"

"Come back to my bed? I _agree_ ," Sirius teased in a lazy voice. He leaned in and began to place small nips up the wizard's neck as he moved against him, hoping to persuade the wizard.

" _Come on_ guys!"

Sirius looked over to see James, standing in front of his own bed, covering his eyes with his hand, obviously not trusting his eyelids to do the job. Sirius let out an unapologetic laugh, moving away only when Greg pushed him back a step. He looked back to the wizard. "Eat lunch with me," he insisted, quietly.

Greg sighed, shaking his head. "I wish I could. I'll see you later."

Sirius nodded in a reluctant concession and opened the door for the wizard. "Bye _Zabini_ ," he said with a cheeky grin, sneaking another kiss as he leaned his upper half out of the door.

"Someone's falling hard."

Sirius shut the door and turned around slowly. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, shooting his best friend a disparaging look, trying to appear unaffected.

James shrugged, making his way over to his trunk. "Exactly what I said."

Sirius walked over and sat down on the edge of James's bed. "Greg's a good guy," he said defensively when the silence began to get to him. He did like Greg. He had told the wizard the very same thing the night before. So, why did it leave an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach to hear someone else had noticed it?

James nodded as he ran a tired hand idly through his wild hair. "Yeah, he's great. Don't you think your parents will mind though?" He leaned over and began to rummage through his trunk.

Sirius dropped back onto his friend's bed. "Probably not as long as I keep seeing Evie some," he said, anxiety pressing at his chest, joining the other feeling and leaving him even more unsettled. He was having an admittedly hard time being around the witch ever since she had begun to expect more from him. He laughed to himself as he studied the ceiling over James's bed. Expect more from him. He was supposed to marry her. What exactly was the protocol for their situation? He wasn't entirely certain, but he was pretty sure shagging the witch's best friend's boyfriend wasn't part of it.

James hummed quietly in response as he walked back over to the bed's side. He pulled on a white long-sleeved shirt and then smacked the wizard's outstretched leg. "Scoot over, you fat arse."

Sirius laughed and rolled onto his side, making room for his best friend. He looked up at him. "James," he said, somewhat hesitantly, and then continued in a quieter tone, "thanks for everything. You're a good friend."

James nodded as he lay down tiredly on his stomach, pulling the blanket over his back and up to his shoulders, inadvertantly covering Sirius in the process. He closed his eyes. "The best," he countered.

Sirius grinned at that. "No, I'm not jerking you around, I mean it. You've been really good about... Greg and... _all that._ "

James shrugged his shoulders, his hands running up his sheets and sliding under his pillow, eyes remaining closed. "We're mates. You do much stranger things than make out with blokes."

Sirius's smile grew as he looked over at his friend. "I suppose so. Either way though. Thanks."

"You're welcome," James murmured as he yawned. After just a few moments the wizard began to breathe more heavily, falling back to sleep.

Sirius closed his eyes.

* * *

"Well-well, Peter. Look what we have here. It seems James and Sirius finally decided to have a go at it, I can't say that I'm overly surprised."

Sirius opened sleep-laden eyes slowly to see a fully dressed and amused Remus, and a puzzled and still pajama clad Peter peering into James's bed. He looked down to find his best friend wrapped around him. James was lying pressed against him and hugging him as they both lay on their sides, facing each other, wrapped up in the messy-haired boy's blankets.

"James... move off," Sirius groaned.

" _Lily_ ," the wizard moaned with his eyes still firmly shut and scooted impossibly closer.

Sirius's eyes widened in alarm. "James, wake up _now_!" he shouted, trying harder to untangle from the wizard when he began to move against him in a suspiciously rhythmic fashion.

James groaned and woke up slowly when Sirius smacked him in the face rather hard. "Wha... Sirius?" He blinked sleepily, his unfocused eyes slowly taking on understanding when he shifted again, his body moving against Sirius's once more. " _Bloody hell_!" he shouted and scooted away quickly, almost falling off the edge of his bed in the process. "Get out of my bed!"

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Hey now, is that any way to treat me after using me as your Dream Evans?" He quickly jumped up when the wizard kicked him in the shin and climbed out of the bed. "I feel used," he said, and a pillow hit him in the back. He leaned over and grabbed up the launched object and tucked it under his arm. "I'm keeping this now," he said glibly, and he turned to Remus and Peter, ignoring James's muffled stream of insults. "Morning, mates," he said in a chipper voice, "Want to grab some breakfast?" 

* * *

"What are your plans for Christmas, Remus?"

"Oh, I'm just going home to spend it with my family. What about you, Lily?"

"Same here. Remus... do you like my hair like this? McKenna fixed it for me today."

"Yeah - it looks really nice."

Sirius and James stood with matching looks of disgust as Remus and Lily talked amiably at the Potion's table in front of them on the last Wednesday before Christmas break.

"Oi, Evans. You're supposed to pair up with someone from the _opposite_ House. Where's Snivels?" Sirius asked in a scathing tone as he chopped up a piece of wortroot a little too aggressively while glaring viciously at the witch's back. Her hair didn't look that nice.

Lily turned and shot the wizard an unimpressed look, arched red brows raised. "He's _ill_ \- and you and Potter are paired together."

Sirius started to respond with an insult when James's hand shot up, resting on his chest in an appeasing manner, and he spoke up quickly, "You're right, Evans. Just ignore Sirius. He's just in a bad mood this morning."

Lily turned all the way around and shot the messy-haired wizard a surprised look, Remus glancing over his shoulder with a small grin on his lips. "What's your angle, Potter?" she asked sharply in a suspicious air.

James shook his head, a benign expression masking his face. "I don't have one. Are you two out of rose thorns? We have some extra," he said, lifting a small dish with the spare ingredients.

The witch's green eyes narrowed. "Yes, _thank you_ ," she said in an insulted voice, taking the offered bowl warily before glaring at him.

The messy-haired wizard smiled innocently. "You're quite welcome." He then looked back down at the Potions book set on the table in front of him, his finger scanning the instructions for the next step as Sirius stared at him in surprise.

The witch blinked and then turned around slowly, James's smile darkening once the girl was facing forward once more. James leaned over and whispered in Sirius's ear, "She'll be begging me for it before the year is out. _Easy."_ An answering bark of a laugh filled the room.

* * *

Sirius walked down the long hallway to his father's office immediately after arriving home for Christmas break. His mother had picked him and his brother up from the train station alone, barely speaking to him, listening to Regulus speak of his first term instead as Sirius followed behind quietly.

The dark-haired wizard stopped just in front of the heavy, black wooden door to his father's study and took in a steadying breath. Everything would be _fine_. He slowly reached out his hand-

"I don't care _what_ he thinks my obligations are," the words were spoken in a deliberate manner, freezing Sirius's hand on the solid silver handle.

"You _should_!" A familiar voice hissed back; it was his Uncle Cygnus. "This has gone on for _far_ too long, Orion. You think you speak for all of us just because you're the head-"

"I don't think, I _do_. Or have you forgotten that I have final say over _all_ the vaults in this family and soon a large portion of the Malfoys' when Abraxas's son and Narcissa wed next month? They will all do as I wish or pay _dearly_."

"Orion, I think you are making a grave mistake. Bella has willingly offered her services, and if we don't all take more of a-"

"And that will be her downfall," his father said swiftly, the sound of a thick glass thumping down angrily onto wood carrying through the door. "One should not pledge their loyalty _outside_ their family. I refuse to be drawn into the middle of this petty squabble."

"Petty squabble? This will mean _war_ , Cousin! All out war! You must know that we cannot remain neutral-" Sirius's eyes widened as he began to realize they were not speaking of business.

"I said _nothing_ of being neutral. Do not think me ignorant, but we will _not_ fight as common militia for that- "

"Father?" Sirius asked, having pushed the heavy wooden door open, not wanting to get in trouble for eavesdropping on such a heated conversation. "You wished to see me?" He glanced over at his uncle and nodded before turning back to his father. "Should I come back?"

"Sirius, no, come in," his father said before turning to Sirius's uncle. "Cygnus, Walburga will see you out," he said coolly, dismissing the man flippantly and motioning Sirius forward.

The man stood up slowly, his expression one of stony silence. He nodded curtly and turned to leave. Sirius walked past his uncle and took the seat across from his father, refusing to let his gaze wander over to the sitting area.

"How was your semester?" Orion asked, clasping his hands and leaning back in his chair, studying his son as the door shut quietly, leaving them alone.

Sirius resisted shifting in his seat. "It went quite well, Father. I received all high marks."

The man nodded slowly. "Very good." He sat quietly for a long moment, his gaze trained sharply on the younger wizard. "I received correspondence from Charlus and Dorea, they have invited you to stay a few days this break with them."

Sirius's eyes widened imperceptibly. He resisted nodding in his excitement as he waited for his father to give his decision on the matter.

Orion let out a slow breath. "I have given my permission. You will leave Christmas morning and stay three days."

Sirius nodded politely, his expression remaining blank as he held back a smile. "Yes, Father. Thank you."

Orion nodded slowly, his gaze calculating. "I do have a request of you."

Sirius's hands tensed ever so slightly in his lap. "Sir?" he asked in an open manner, making it clear he would do whatever was requested.

His father pulled out a sealed piece of folded parchment from the top drawer in his desk, and slid it across the smooth black marble. "Deliver this to Charlus. Discreetly."

Sirius nodded, taking the note and holding it in his hand, not asking why it could not be trusted by owl. "Of course, Father."

* * *

Sirius stood, leaning on a banister and looking out on the moonlit gardens at Twelve Grimmauld Place on the eve of Christmas. He laughed bitterly when a feeling of déjà vu hit him. _My memories of Christmas,_ he thought acerbically, as he glanced around the small outdoor space and then down at a half empty glass of firewhiskey. He took a drink.

A muted clicking noise was followed by a gust of unwelcomed voices and stuffy music as the door behind him was opened.

"It's quite nice out here."

Sirius looked over his shoulder to see an older dark-haired man shutting the door, the sounds from the party vanishing and leaving him in a soft silence once more. He eyed the wizard curiously. It was the man who had sat by the Lestrange witch the year before. Sirius took a sip from the glass in his hand. "It gets a bit loud in there for my taste."

The wizard nodded as he approached, seeming to have taken the words as invitation. "Yes, I prefer the solitude as well. Do you mind if I intrude on yours for a few moments?"

Sirius shook his head. "By all means," he said and took another sip.

The rather striking man looked around, studying the decorations. Multi-colored lights flashed on the banister, and enchanted snow fell over the space, warming the area instead of cooling it. "The decorations are a nice touch. Your parents aren't exactly the most festive of wizards are they?" the man asked with a polite grin.

Sirius pushed himself upright. "No, they're not," he said in a more reserved voice; he'd never heard any guest say anything but compliments of his parents.

The wizard's smile softened, and he reached out a hand. "Tom Riddle, a pleasure to meet you, Mister Black."

Sirius reached out and took the offered hand. "Sirius is fine. I don't think I've heard of you before," he said, somewhat warily. Something about the wizard's presence wasn't quite right.

The wizard laughed heartily. "No, I don't suppose you would have. I'm not a pureblood." He squeezed Sirius's hand warmly and then released it.

Sirius nodded, his hand dropping back to his side. That explained it. He relaxed somewhat. He was being paranoid. _It's from being in this damn house_. He leaned back on the banister and looked up at the full moon wistfully. He needed to get his animagus, and soon.

"That doesn't bother you?" the wizard asked, his voice one of quiet surprise, reminding the young wizard he was not alone.

"Would you prefer it did?" Sirius asked in a rather abrupt manner unthinkingly.

The man chuckled. "No, I don't suppose I would." He leaned forward, standing beside him and mirroring his position. "It's just something I've grown accustomed to. When I was at school, I had the highest marks, top of my class. I got O's in every subject, but still my classmates, and even some teachers, treated me as less. All because of my blood heritage."

Sirius stood quietly, only nodding his understanding in response.

"You remind me of your cousin somewhat," the man said.

Sirius looked over, not sure if he meant Andromeda or Bella but finding he preferred to not know. He met the man's grey eyes, finding only darkness and in the center what appeared to be a hole. A sinking darkness like he had never experienced before beckoned him, and suddenly he felt as if he was being drawn into them, devoured, like he was losing himself as he fell into a suffocating emptiness-A picture of Remus popped into his head without warning, and he blinked, looking away sharply. He shook his head. What had that been? He cleared his throat and took a sip as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. "So, what do you do?" he asked for some reason.

"I'm a Potions master," the wizard replied in a genial manner, his voice almost sounding like it was hiding a smile. "I've been working for the past decade on a way to ease the suffering of those with a most terrible affliction... An uncurable _curse_."

Sirius shifted by his side. "What is that?" he asked, a feeling of apprehension taking over him at the wizard's vague words.

The man glanced over his shoulder behind them and then shot the wizard a secretive smile. "It's a potion that would let wizards who have been infected with _lycanthropy_ keep their minds on nights such as these," he said, motioning at the full moon hanging heavily in the sky above them with his glass.

Sirius swallowed hard around a sudden lump in his throat. He spoke up, cautiously keeping the interest out of his words, "Have you been successful?"

The wizard laughed bitterly, looking down into his drink. "No, not yet, I'm close though. Perhaps if I had had more _support_ it wouldn't have taken as long as it has, but I've found that most wizards don't care to donate towards such an endeavor."

Sirius's hand clenched around his glass. He said nothing.

The man stood upright abruptly, adjusting the knot of his dark green tie and smoothing it down to lay perfectly. "I suppose I should get back to the party. I still have some obligatory mingling to attend to," he said in a begrudging tone.

Sirius nodded as his mind raced. "You have my sympathies," he said.

The wizard let out a chuckle. "I like you, Sirius."

Sirius quirked a wry grin as he stared straight ahead. "You probably should keep that to yourself if you wish to be in my mother's good graces," he said with a laugh that wasn't without a hint of its own bitterness.

The man placed a hand on the young wizard's shoulder. "Perhaps I will tell her then. I think I'd prefer to be in yours," he paused and then spoke in a softer voice, "Hard times are coming, Sirius. I've seen it. Your parents have too. If you ever need help or someone to go to. Look me up." The wizard held out a card.

Sirius looked over, reaching out and taking the offered card. He nodded. "Thank you."

The wizard flashed him a brilliant smile. "No, _thank you_." He took a step back. "For allowing me to share in your quiet space," he added in explanation before turning and leaving.

Sirius watched the door shut before turning back and leaning on the banister once more. He looked down curiously at the card.

It was a solid black with an enchanted silver snake that circled the edge in a border of sorts. The snake stopped to hiss up at him for a moment before continuing on its loop. In the center was a single word, the letters appearing to be written in a dark green smoke.

A name.

Sirius tucked the card into his pocket and looked back up at the dark sky.


	34. Chapter 34

"Try this one," James said, handing Sirius a small, square piece of chocolate as he lay on his friend's temporary bed in his room on Boxing Day.

James's floor was littered with presents and torn wrapping paper from the day before, the two boys lounging lazily after having spent the last few hours of daylight swimming in the Potter's heated pond, trying to dunk the other and transfiguring stones into surprisingy aggressive fish.

Sirius took the candy and bit down. He pulled a look of distaste as he chewed reluctantly. "What flavor is this?" he asked, resisting the urge to spit it out.

"It has cinnamon, orange and chili powder in it," James said with a laugh. "My uncle bought it from a muggle chocolate shop."

Sirius tossed the rest of the piece back at him, hitting him on the shoulder. "It's terrible."

James shrugged and picked up the thrown piece. "So, when are we going to try the Animagus spell?" He popped the half-eaten chocolate into his mouth.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Well, I thought maybe we should work more on the spell to force an animagus back to its human form _first_. That way when I try it, if things go really bad, you can help me."

James nodded. "Yeah, and I could always just transfigure each of your features if it fails. Although you might look a bit off." He laughed. "This is such an awful idea," he said with a huge grin.

Sirius mirrored his best friend's expression. "Yeah, it kind of is." His thoughts flitted to Remus and then to the wizard he had met just the other night. Riddle. He had felt like there was something off about the man, but then again Sirius wasn't so sure if he was the best judge of character. What he said did make sense, and it would explain the meeting over the summer with the two werewolves. The younger werewolf's face flashed in his mind unbidden. The tall wizard took in a slow breath, his mind rebelling and trying to make him hyperventilate as it attempted to recall the event. He had-

"So, Remus should be here soon," James said nonchalantly, cutting into the wizard's racing thoughts.

Sirius blinked and then blinked again as he tried to regroup. "You didn't tell me he was coming," he said, flatly, his mind still resisting his order to behave.

"It was a last minute thing," James said, lifting dark brows and eyeing him in a seemingly casual manner, " _Funny_." He paused. "I thought you'd be more... excited."

And Sirius's mind snapped back with a sudden clarity. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, the words coming out more sharply than he'd intended.

James smiled impishly as he took another bite of the muggle chocolate, moving it around his mouth and sucking on it lazily before saying, "Oh, I don't know..."

Grey eyes narrowed. "Out with it, Potter."

The messy-haired wizard pushed himself into a sitting position, and he met Sirius's agitated gaze with his mischevious one. "It's just... Well... You kind of fancy him, don't you?"

Sirius forced his expression to remain stable as James studied him closely. He didn't know. He couldn't know. He didn't. "No."

James's eyes widened, and he let out a boisterous laugh. "You _do_! Holy hell! I _knew_ it!"

"No, I said I _didn't_ ," he calmly corrected his obviously deaf friend as his chest began to feel far too tight for comfort and his lips pushed themselves together, his hands balling into tight fists. What was so funny about that?

James began to laugh even harder, dropping back onto his bed.

Sirius growled. "I don't fancy Remus!" he shouted angrily just as the door opened.

"Oh, uh - hello guys."

Sirius's stomach dropped and his head jerked towards the door, James sitting back up quickly to see the sandy blond standing just inside the room. "Moony, you're here," Sirius called out in a forced cheerful tone, deciding to pretend he hadn't just been overheard. Maybe he hadn't. It was possible.

"Hey Remus," James said, matching Sirius's tone.

Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Your mother sent me up," he said quietly.

James jumped up from the bed. "Yeah. Hey, let's do something," he said quickly as he walked over to his dresser.

Sirius chanced a glance over at the werewolf as James rifled through his drawers, appearing to be completely absorbed in his sudden search for something. The werewolf looked tired, standing stiffly by the door. "You okay, Moony?" he asked, his voice softer than usual.

Remus looked over, glanced at James and then began to make his way towards him. He stopped by the wizard's bedside and shot him a tight smile. "Yeah, rough night," he said in an uneasy manner, running a hand up into his sandy locks.

Sirius nodded, and he patted the bed in invitation. "Have a seat." Remus lifted a single eyebrow. He patted more insistently, shooting the stubborn werewolf an expectant look when he continued to remain standing.

Remus shook his head, letting out a huff of a laugh, and he sat down carefully on the bed's edge, his face tightening as if the action caused him discomfort. They sat quietly for a tense moment. "So, you don't fancy me, huh?" Remus asked in an amused voice.

Sirius suddenly considered jumping up and helping James with his drawer searching. Of course he had heard. He cursed himself mentally and forced himself to remain seated. "Ah, that was... James was just having some fun with me," he said lamely as he smoothed his hair down with an anxious hand.

Remus nodded slightly. He scooted back further onto the bed. "How's your break been?"

"All right." Sirius looked down at his lap. "Yours?"

Remus reached towards Sirius and picked up a piece of the chocolate James had left on his bed. "Hot," he said simply, shooting the wizard an impish smile when he looked up at the all-too-familiar answer.

Sirius laughed quietly, feeling himself relax some and shifted closer to the werewolf. "I'm sorry, Remus. Was this moon worse?" he asked, scanning his friend for new scars. He noticed one right behind his left ear. He chastised himself when he felt a spark of lust, his pulse speeding up accordingly. Remus hated the scars. He cleared his throat uncomfortably when his body ignored him.

"Yeah, a little bit," Remus said, grimacing, but when he looked up at a frowning Sirius he quickly added, "I'm fine now though."

Sirius nodded slowly, not convinced. "So, what if you could _retain_ control? That would help?" he hedged.

Remus's eyebrows shot up. " _Retain control_?" He let out an incredulous laugh. "And how would I do _that_?"

Sirius shrugged a shoulder in what he hoped was a casual gesture. "I don't know. Say if there was a potion perhaps..." He glanced up at the wizard.

Remus sat quietly for a moment, and then his eyes lit up like when he was discussing new material he had learned, a small smile settling on his lips as he began to think out loud. "Well, then yes. That would be ridiculously helpful. Then I'd only have to suffer through the actual transformation, and I wouldn't have to be locked up for it or worry about hurting anyone, and I wouldn't get any new scars. And-" He stopped suddenly.

The werewolf's shoulders dropped. He looked down and sucked in a deep breath and then let it out slowly before continuing in a tight voice, "But there is no such potion, Sirius. Nor will there probably _ever_ be." He looked up and shot him a forced-looking smile.

Sirius nodded slightly as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. Maybe he should look into the potion if their animagi didn't work out soon. He did have his own money.

"James looks quite uncomfortable," Remus said abruptly in a wry voice.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at the messy-haired wizard, who had moved to his wardrobe and appeared to be trying to bury himself inside it. He let out a laugh.

"James, you wanker," he called, "you can come back now."

* * *

"Greg..." Sirius murmured against the Slytherin's lips as he lay half on top of the wizard in his bed on the next to the last Saturday in January. His fingers began to fiddle idly with the buttons on the wizard's shirt as he continued to kiss him.

"Sirius, I can't stay." Greg pushed him back, holding the wizard's chest at arm's length and his mouth far out of reaching distance. "I don't even know how you managed to get me up here," he said, a small grin crossing his face when Sirius leaned forward and made a show of trying to reach his lips once more.

"Remember, I lied and told you I had my History of Magic notes up here," he said with a grin and pushed down harder against the wizard's far too resistant hands.

Greg laughed and let his arms relax, the tall wizard falling back down onto him. "That was a lie?" he asked, not seeming overly surprised.

Sirius nodded happily. "Complete fabrication, I didn't even take notes the day you missed," he said and then pressed his lips to his once more, his hands immediately reaching for buttons that were still annoyingly engaged.

"I guess I could stay for a little while... since I'm already here," Greg hedged, gasping when Sirius moved to his neck.

Sirius nodded eagerly. "You are already here," he agreed in a pleased voice. His hands pushed the wizard's finally unbuttoned shirt open, and he leaned back onto his knees to survey his muscular torso. "Gorgeous," he whispered and then dipped back down and began to place kisses on his chest, his right hand wandering, eliciting another gasp from the wizard.

The door swung open. "Oh! S-sorry!"

Sirius's head snapped up to find a pale and sickly-looking Remus leaning his weight on the door as he looked away.

"I'll just go," the sandy blond mumbled and then staggered when he tried to stand up without the support of the door.

" _Remus_." Sirius jumped up and jogged over to his friend, grabbing his arm to steady him. "Are you all right, mate?" he asked, worry straining his words. He looped an arm around his friend's waist and guided him over to his bed.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Remus said weakly as Sirius helped him lie down on his bed.

"No." Sirius shook his head, pushing him down easily when Remus made to sit back up. He reached down and unlaced his friend's shoes, ignoring his protests. "No you're not. You look like shit." He walked over and set the trainers by his trunk where he knew his friend preferred them and then made his way back over to the werewolf's side. Sirius leaned over and placed a hand on his forehead. "You're burning up, Moony," he whispered in a displeased voice. That was odd. He didn't remember the werewolf ever getting a fever so early on.

"Sirius?" Greg said.

"Hm?" The dark-haired wizard ran his fingers gently through Remus's soft sandy locks when he leaned into the touch, glazed hazel eyes falling shut like they couldn't stay open any longer. "Do you need anything, Remus? A potion maybe?" he asked quietly, his gaze scanning his friend more closely. He looked more pale than usual, his breaths coming short, and his skin had a slight sheen to it. Sirius swallowed hard around the sudden lump in his throat. Would the next transformation be even worse? How much more could he actually handle before it was too much?

"Could-could you stay just for a few moments?" the sandy-blond whispered in a weak voice that sounded riddled with something not unlike guilt.

Sirius nodded immediately, confused by the tone in his friend's voice. "Yeah, of course, I'm not going anywhere."

"I think I'm going to go."

Sirius blinked. Greg's voice sounded like it had come from over by the door just then. He nodded distractedly. "Yeah, okay. I'll catch up with you tomorrow, Greg," he said, not looking over as he climbed in beside his friend.

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist carefully, the door to the dorm clicking shut softly.

* * *

"Hello, Sirius."

"Hi, Sirius."

"Sirius, you can sit with me."

The tall wizard shook his head in amusement as he continued on past smiling red lips and fluttering eyelashes only to stop and take the open seat directly across from a certain blonde Slytherin. "Enjoying your breakfast, Evie?" he asked, shooting the witch a wide smile.

The blonde returned his greeting politely. "It's lunch time," she corrected him softly.

Sirius laughed. "For you maybe," he said, he and his friends having stayed up most of the night, planning their next Snape prank. Well, he and James and Peter had. Remus had just sat there and shot them all disapproving looks except for when he would stop to point out a better spell begrudgingly.

Sirius looked over at the slender black-haired witch sitting beside Evie. "Hello - _Parkinson_ , is it?" he asked in feigned politeness as he held back a sneer at the girl who had been monopolizing all of Greg's time as of recent.

The witch nodded, her cheeks flushing slightly. " _Black_ ," she responded coolly.

Sirius's grin grew, his teeth showing. "Evie, I don't think your friend likes me," he said in an amused tone before looking back to the blonde, who didn't appear too pleased herself. He reached out a hand and covered hers. "Are you upset with me too?" he asked, widening grey eyes questioningly in an innocent fashion.

Evie blinked rapidly and shook her head. "No, and uh - Briony is just shy."

Sirius nodded, a smile playing at his lips. "Ah, I see... _Oh_ \- almost forgot," he said, pulling his hand back. He reached into his pocket and retrieved a small black velvet box and then placed it on the table in front of himself. "I have something for you," he said simply.

The witch's blue eyes widened, and she eyed the gift before looking up to him. "What for?"

"Valentine's," he said and then pushed the present slowly towards her with only his index, his eyes dancing with amusement as she watched the box's movement closely until it was sitting in front of her. "You can open it now if you'd like."

She nodded and took the present in her hands, her friends leaning in on either side as she carefully opened the box. She let out a soft gasp. "Sirius. It's. They're..."

"They're a family heirloom. I thought you might like them."

She looked up and smiled at him sweetly. "I _love_ them." She gently lifted one of the soft green diamond hoop earrings to study. The entire piece of jewelry was cut from a singular diamond, including the part that laced through the ear and hung down behind it. "Thank you _so_ much, Sirius."

He nodded. "You'll look beautiful in them." He looked around the green and silver table in a nonchalant manner, grey eyes scanning for a certain elusive Slytherin. "So, what do you want to do tonight?" he asked casually.

The blonde witch blinked. "Oh, I-I didn't know you'd want to do anything."

Sirius shot the girl a look of surprise. "Of course I do. It's Valentine's Day."

Evie nodded eagerly. "All right. I could go to Hogsmeade with you and your friends," she offered.

Sirius glanced around at her friends, some of whom were shooting him flirtatious looks, before his gaze settled on the rather irritated dark-haired witch by her side.

He smiled at Evie.

"Or I could go with you and yours," he offered generously, noting with pleasure the very displeased look on her friend's face out of the corner of his vision. 

* * *

"You're looking quite tasty tonight," Sirius whispered as he leaned over the back of a dark green sofa.

Greg laughed in surprise and pushed the wizard away from his ear. "Sirius, what are you doing here?" He looked around the Slytherin common room quickly before motioning him to sit.

Sirius walked around and settled down onto the plush sofa, leaving a cushion between him and the wizard, and he spread his arms across the back of the couch. "Evie invited me, of course." He smiled wickedly.

Greg shook his head. "You got her those earrings, didn't you?"

"Perhaps," he said nonchalantly before a smile made its way back up his lips. "I figured I needed a way into the snake's inner sanctum if I was going to see you tonight."

Greg chuckled. "You know Briony was rather upset with me after your extravagant present. She seems to think I should be able to afford more."

Sirius shrugged as he casually eyed the wizard. "Maybe you should dump her, she sounds shallow." He eyed the wizard in his black slacks and fitted dark blue shirt. "I'll keep you company." He smiled darkly as his thoughts drifted to a night weeks before.

"Sirius, don't. Not here," the wizard said, but a persistent grin gave him away.

The grey-eyed wizard licked his lips and then bit down on his lower one, pulling it out slowly and dragging his teeth over it as he kept his gaze trained on the wizard. "Why, afraid Parkinson over there will hear?" he joked.

Greg's eyes widened, and he looked around the dimly lit room quickly and then back at the wizard, and he shot him an unamused look. "Listen Sirius, you should know, Briony is _really_ not pleased about you. She asked me to end things with you."

Sirius nodded. "I noticed. Is that why you've been avoiding me? Have you decided to drop me for her?" he asked in an offhanded manner, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. He had admittedly been busy with Remus. The werewolf had had an exceptionally bad moon, but the Slytherin hadn't been available at all since he had coaxed him up into his dorm at the end of January.

Greg sighed. "No. I told her no." He rubbed the side of his neck. "And... I've just been busy, but don't make this any harder on me. All right?" He looked over to him with a questioning look.

Sirius placed a hand on his chest, directly over his heart. "You have my word," he said solemnly.

"Sirius, how do I look?"

Sirius turned from Greg to eye the blonde witch, who had just come out from her dorm. She was wearing a spaghetti-strap, black dress that stopped just above her knees, the material hugged her upper body but flared at the hip. She wore tall strappy black heels and her blonde hair was hanging in soft curls a few inches past her shoulders, the earrings he had gotten her sparkling when she tilted her head, and the bracelet he had also given her, dangling around her dainty, pale wrist.

"You look lovely," he said in a silky smooth voice.

She smiled and dipped her head. "Thank you." She walked over and started to sit down between the two wizards when Sirius took her wrist and guided her to his lap.

"This is better," he said softly, having her sit sideways across his lap.

" _Sirius_ ," she said, protesting somewhat.

"What, you don't want to sit here?" he asked quietly, running a hand up the soft dress along her leg and resting it right above her hip.

The witch looked around the busy room. "It's just. It's rather uncouth-"

"Evie, if you want someone who cares more about appearances, maybe you should look inside Slytherin," he said somewhat harshly, her words reminding him too much of something his mother would say.

"No. No, I'm good," she said quickly, her arms tightening around his neck. She looked into his eyes, pointedly ignoring the attention she was gathering. "I don't want _anyone_ else."

Sirius smiled. "Good." He shot a glance over to Greg, who had stood up and was talking to Briony Parkinson with a warm smile on his lips. "That's what I like to hear," he said coolly.


	35. Chapter 35

Sirius strolled hand-in-hand with an unsteady Evie as they made their way back from Hogsmeade, walking on the darkened dirt path to the castle alongside Greg and Briony. He was carrying the blonde's evidently uncomfortable shoes in his free hand as she walked on tiptoe, the wintry air calm and not quite as chilling as it had been the nights before.

"How did you get me to drink so much?" Evie asked as she smiled serenely up at the tall wizard, a glassy look to her usually sharp, blue eyes.

Sirius looked down, grinning in a lopsided fashion. "Imperius charm," he quipped. "Next, I'm going to get you to skinny dip in the Black Lake."

Evie let out a tinkling laugh. "Briony, do you remember in second year when we swam in the Black Lake?" she asked as she leaned against Sirius's arm for support, slowing her step a little.

The dark-haired witch by her side nodded. "Yeah, and that was in the early spring. Why is it always so warm?"

"Warming charm," Greg offered. "It's for the Giant Squid, which is actually a tropical animal, but it somehow found its way here as a juvenile, and so when winter came its first year Dumbledore put a charm on the lake so it wouldn't die. Now, there's just a permanent one on it. Supposedly once it's fully grown in a few years or so it won't need it any longer, and they plan to remove the charm," he said.

Sirius nodded in an impressed manner, surprised by the wizard's knowledge. It reminded him almost of something Remus would say. "Well, let's all take a dip then before it's too late," he said in a gamely fashion.

The two witches declined in unison. He looked over their heads to meet Greg's gaze, his pitch black brows raising in a suddenly eager anticipation when he noticed the hint of a smile playing at the wizard's lips. "What do you say, Zabini?"

Greg began to nod slowly, chocolate eyes coming to life, as he looked to be fighting the smile even harder. "I suppose I should... We wouldn't want you to drown, Black."

"No, we wouldn't." Sirius grinned widely. "All right then!" He pulled the blonde off the trail eagerly and into the grass, towards the lake, its serene surface reflecting the light-sprinkled sky above. "Come on, Evie. You can make sure my clothes don't blow away."

Evie shot him an unsure look. "Oh, well, I guess we could join too..." She looked over at her friend. "Right, Briony?"

The dark-haired witch was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, we had fun last time. Why not?"

Sirius let go of the blonde's hand as they neared the lake's shore. "All right. Greg and I will get undressed over there behind those trees," he said, motioning to a small line of tall trees some yards away. "And you and Briony can get undressed over here and shout once you're in the water," he said in a well versed, gentleman-like manner.

The witch looked like she wanted to disagree but smiled tightly instead and nodded ever so slightly. "All right. We'll be quick."

Sirius turned away, walking casually beside Greg as they made their way to the group of trees, and then grabbed him by the front of his shirt as soon as they were out of sight, and he pushed him up against the closest tree trunk and began nuzzling his neck.

"Sirius, I-I can't get undressed like this," the wizard said in a strained voice.

"I'll help you," Sirius murmured, unbuttoning his shirt quickly for him, kissing the freshly exposed heaving skin with insistent lips as he worked.

"Oh, Salazar, Sirius. Stop it," he gasped when Sirius's hands moved down to his slacks.

"Fine." He took a step back, a devilish grin darkening his features. "But, I make no promises once we're in." He undid his own shirt swiftly and pulled it off, winking at the wizard as he watched him. He unbuttoned his slacks and slid them down and stood in his boxers. "Better hurry," he said with a grin as he stood in silk white boxers with glittery red hearts flying all over them. "James did this," he explained, motioning to the enchanted clothing.

Greg laughed and then began to fumble with his own slacks, leaving his boxers on as well.

"Okay, we're in!"

"Race you," Sirius said and then took off with Greg immediately on his heels. He was only a few steps from the water's edge when a hand shoved him from behind and caused him to trip and fall in gracelessly.

He went under with a loud splash and amidst female screams of protest. He kept his eyes shut and swam in the direction of the voices for a few strokes before breaking the surface. He shook his head, spraying water around him in every direction and let out a barking laugh. "Zabini, I am going to _kill_ you!"

"You're just sore you lost."

Sirius turned around to see the wizard standing behind him, grinning impishly. He smiled as warm water ran down his exposed torso, steam rolling up around him, not noticing the air's bite, his white teeth gleaming in the moonlight. He took a step forward, and Greg let out a laugh as he spun around and took off, swimming down the side of the lake, staying in the shallow water, Sirius following after him.

"All right. All right. I give up," Greg said, laughing in a breathy voice as he came to a stop, the wizards having put at least twenty yards between them and the two witches in their chase. He held up both hands by his head in a sign of surrender, his chest heaving as he breathed heavily, his breaths coming out in labored white puffs against the dark sky.

Sirius stopped and nodded as he stood up too. "Good." He began to wade deliberately towards the wizard. "This will be much easier then." He grinned and launched himself at the wizard without further warning, dunking him underwater with one swift move.

The wizard retaliated, arms wrapping around him and pulling him under too, and they wrestled under the water's surface.

Sirius let out a gasp as he surfaced, holding the wizard around the waist from behind and laughing exuberantly. "Now who's won?"

"You bit me, you maniac!" Greg laughed heartily as he struggled to get away.

Sirius pulled him closer, their bodies pressing against each other. "I thought you'd like it. You did last time," he whispered huskily in his ear. He turned the wizard around and met his lips immediately, two sets of mouths opening eagerly and hands practically mirroring each other as they tried to find purchase too quickly. "Fuck, I've missed you," he whispered against the wizard's mouth, Greg nodding adamantly in silent agreement.

The Slytherin pulled him impossibly closer, his mouth opening again with a groan as Sirius pushed his lower body up against his.

"Sirius?" A female voice called out, sounding closer than it should.

" _Shit_." Sirius groaned, his fingers trailing down the wizard's chest as he stepped away. "Yeah?" he shouted back at the witch in a thick voice as he tried to calm down.

"Come back!"

"Yeah, all right! Give us a minute!" He then grabbed the wizard and pushed him out towards deeper water. "Come on, let's see if we can make it to the other side and make a run for it," he said with a huge grin and began to swim when the water got too deep.

Greg laughed as he swam alongside. "What about our clothes?"

"We won't need-

"Sirius? Is that you out there?"

Sirius jerked around to see six figures on the shore, lit by a lumos charm, his three friends along with three witches. His smile fell slowly. "James?" he asked and began to swim back towards the shore. He found the lake's silty floor and walked until the water was right at his waist line and stopped.

"Sirius, are you naked?" James asked with a laugh.

Sirius shrugged and ran a hand up into his wet hair, pushing it back, as he studied the group. James was shaking his head in amusement as he stood by Sarah. Peter was looking at the ground with some heavyset third-year he didn't know. And Remus. Remus was standing with McKenna by his side, pointedly avoiding his gaze. "Hey Moony."

The werewolf looked over and shot him a tight smile. "Hey, Sirius."

"Who are you out there with?" James asked curiously, his eyes widening as the water moved around Sirius. "Evie, y-you look nice tonight," he stuttered, earning him an openly hostile look from his date.

Sirius looked over to his side to see the witch standing just behind him in a black lace bra, the water halfway up her stomach.

"Hello, Potter," Evie replied evenly, looping her arm through Sirius's and placing a light kiss on his shoulder.

Sirius grinned, the witch having said his friend's name right for the first time. "You guys want to join us?"

James laughed, looking to the scowling Gryffindor witch by his side, who shook her head. "Ah, maybe next time," he said in a pained voice.

"Moony?" Sirius pressed.

The werewolf shook his head. "No, not tonight," he said, looking away again.

"Come on, guys!" Greg shouted from far behind Sirius. "It's warm!"

James's smile widened. "Greg? Are you out there too?"

"Yeah, me and Briony. Come on!" he shouted, "Never thought I'd see the day that Slytherin witches would be more adventurous than a group of Gryffindor blokes!"

James's eyes hardened. "Remus, Peter. We're going in there."

Sirius nodded excitedly. "Yeah, come on guys. Strip down for us," he heckled, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Turn around, you bloody ponce," James shouted glibly as he pulled out his shirt from his slacks.

"Only when it comes to you, Jamie." Sirius flipped him off and then turned around, grabbing the blonde witch by her waist and guiding her out to the other two Slytherins.

James jumped in with a whoop, causing small warm waves to crash against Sirius's back as he walked away. He wrapped his arms around the witch and pulled her back closer to his front. "James was right. You look do like nice," he whispered in her ear softly.

"Thanks, so do you," she whispered back.

He grinned, placed a kiss on her neck and then let go of her. He swam out to Greg, who was turned away, looking up at the stars. He glanced around for Briony. The witch was making her way over to talk to James's date. He looked away when his gaze almost settled on Remus and his date. "Looking for my namesake?" he asked, breathing hot air on the distracted boy's neck.

Greg spun around. "Sirius." He smiled in surprise at him. "I thought you'd be with your friends."

Sirius moved closer. "I see them all the time." He paused for a moment. "Do you want to stay tonight?" he asked quietly. He swung his head to the side to flip the wet hair off his forehead.

Greg grimaced. "I would, but Briony asked me already. Sorry."

"Cancel with her then," he said softly.

"I can't," Greg said, his tone apologetic.

Sirius nodded, hiding the discomfort he felt. "All right. That's cool." He glanced over his shoulder and then looked back, flashing him a forced wide grin. "How hard do you think it would be to get Evie to slap McKenna?"

"Sirius, _why_ would you want to do that?" Greg asked with begrudging amusement as he shook his head.

Sirius gave a small shrug. "Sounds like fun." He breathed out heavily. "I'm going to go get the rest of the firewhiskey."

Greg grabbed his arm when he made to leave. "Sirius. You okay, mate?" the wizard asked, chocolate eyes searching.

Sirius let out a loud laugh. "Of course," he said and swam closer, pressing his lips against the boy's for a second. He smiled. "I'm _great_."

* * *

"I don't know, Sirius..."

"Come on, Potter! Don't be such a flippin' pansy," Sirius said, slurring his words just slightly as he stood in the shallow water, firewhiskey in hand and a feeling in his chest that kept expanding, feeling like it wanted nothing more than to burst from his chest. He ignored it.

James grabbed the bottle from him and took a huge swig and then squared his shoulders defiantly, handing the liquor back. "Fine, let's do this, Black."

Sirius laughed triumphantly and then focused his full attention on the wizard. He squinted his eyes and pressed his lips together tightly and slowly drew from the tempest of emotions swirling in his chest.

James began to rise out of the water, water dripping off of him as he lifted up into the air. Sirius let out an incredulous laugh when he was about fifteen feet above him and then let out an angry roar, and the wizard flung out into the middle of the lake like he had been shot from a catapult.

James cried out as he flew through the air and then hit the water with a loud splash, the wizard gasping loudly when he resurfaced. "That was fucking brilliant!" he shouted.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and took another large drink. He looked over to Greg, who was standing a few feet away behind his date, whispering into her ear as she giggled. Sirius sneered. "What about you, _Parkinson_? You fancy going next?" he asked loudly in an undisguised harsh tone.

"Sirius..." Greg said in a warning voice, the witch's eyes widening with concern.

Sirius let out another barking laugh and smiled, showing his gleaming white teeth. "I'm just joking, Zabini." He turned away then to find Remus standing alone. He began to wade out towards him, carrying his drink tightly in his hand. He stopped beside the werewolf, the water having risen up to meet his chest. "Where'd McKenna go?"

Remus looked over at him. He studied him for a short moment. "Honestly? I think you scared her off."

"What? _How_?" He hadn't even spoken to the witch.

Remus smiled then, begrudgingly. "I don't know. You have a way of giving off a _vibe_. It's odd," he said, his voice sounding torn somewhere between amusement and annoyance.

Sirius looked down at his friend and let out a slow breath. "I'm sorry, Remus," he said softly and then offered the boy a drink.

Remus took the bottle. "It's okay. I didn't actually want to go with her tonight. James asked me, because Sarah asked him."

Sirius nodded slightly, chewing on his upper lip. "Ah. So - you don't like her then?" he asked, trying to keep the relief he felt out of his voice. That shouldn't make him happy. He wanted Remus to find someone. He did. Just not her.

Remus shook his head. "No." He glanced over his shoulder and at the group behind them. "Are you having a good night?"

Sirius shrugged as he shifted closer to the werewolf. "I don't know. I think I might just have an early night."

"Greg busy?" Remus asked offhandedly, his words more clipped than usual.

"Something like that," he said quietly, an uncomfortable feeling taking up residence in his chest. He didn't want to think what he would be busy doing. "Listen, Remus. Do you _mind_ Greg being around?"

Remus looked over at him with an unreadable expression. "Why would you ask that?"

Sirius cocked his head as he studied the werewolf. "It's just... Well, you haven't exactly warmed up to him."

The sandy blond looked down. "I.." He sighed heavily. " _Sirius_ , we don't have to like the same people."

Sirius nodded quickly. "No, I know that, I'm just wondering what he did to make you not like him."

Remus stared out at the dark lake as if he were studying something on the opposite shore. "Nothing. He's _all right_." He took a sip from the firewhiskey and then another larger drink, a small grin making itself at home at the left corner of his mouth. "Do you spell all your drinks now?"

Sirius laughed. "Only when you're around," he admitted, and he looked down at the werewolf and into mischievous hazel eyes, another emotion in them causing a warm feeling that he had evaded for quite some time to flood unbidden into his chest, pushing away all discomfort he had been feeling that night only to replace it with an achy need. He swallowed hard.

"Remus, did I do something wrong last year?" he blurted out.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. "I'm sorry?"

Sirius glanced around them and then spoke in a quiet rushed voice, "I mean, I know I was a complete git at times. It's just. I had thought that maybe before... That we-" He stopped suddenly as a memory of the feelings of rejection and hurt that had bombarded him for weeks after being turned down by the sandy blond flashed through the wizard's mind. They had finally eased up only to be replaced with a painfully hollow feeling that he still felt on occasion. He forced a smile. " _Nothing_. It's nothing. Never mind." He shook his head and took the offered bottle, taking a drink. He needed to let it go once and for all. He might not be completely happy just being Remus's friend, but he didn't think he could handle being rejected by him again.

Remus cleared his throat, interrupting the tense silence that had fallen between them. "I think Evie is leaving." He motioned behind them. Sirius looked over his shoulder.

The blonde was walking out of the water with Briony and Greg. "Sirius, are you coming?" she called from the shore, still in her undergarments.

"No, I'm going to stay, go on without me!" he shouted back, waving them on. He looked back over to the sandy blond and swung an arm around his shoulders as he pushed away the sadness that was trying to take up residence in his stomach. "Why don't we just hang out tonight, yeah?" he asked.

Remus nodded hesitantly, a slow smile softly making its way up his lips. "Yeah, all right. That sounds nice." Sirius smiled warmly, a relaxation creeping in unnoticed.

"Hey. Sirius..."

Sirius dropped his arm and turned to see Greg wading out towards him. "Hey, Greg. What's up?"

"You're not coming?" the wizard asked in an even voice, his gaze darting between Sirius and Remus.

Sirius shook his head. "Nah, I'm just going to hang out here with Moony a little longer, and then we're going to go back to the dorm." He leaned the side of his head against Remus's and laughed when the werewolf pushed him off.

Greg frowned and shifted uncomfortably, running an agitated hand along his bare arm. "Are you upset with me?"

Sirius wrapped an arm back around Remus's shoulders, smiling when he wasn't shoved away, his friend's presence soothing. "No, we're good. Better hurry before they leave you. I'll see you tomorrow or something," he said lightly.

Greg stood quietly for a moment. "I'll tell her I can't stay."

Sirius blinked and felt the tension in his chest begin to return somewhat. "What? I thought you couldn't back out?"

Greg pressed his lips together tightly and looked down. "Just come with us, and I'll get out of it. All right?"

Sirius frowned. The wizard seemed off. Remus cleared his throat uncomfortably by his side. "Well, I would... but I just told Remus here I'd hang out with him tonight," he said. He ran his hand through Remus's hair affectionately, messing it and grinning a little when the werewolf scowled at him in response. He placed a kiss on his forehead in a patronizing manner, eliciting a growl from the sandy blond. "Behave yourself," he whispered impishly.

Greg shifted uncomfortably. "I—Hell, Sirius... Don't do this."

Sirius's smile dropped. He looked up at the wizard. "Do what?" he asked in a slightly confused voice, an unformed suspicion seeping into his conscious thoughts.

Greg shook his head. "This. What you're doing. It worked, all right?"

Sirius took a step forward, his arm dropping from his friend's shoulders. "What do you mean? What am I doing exactly?" he asked, his tone growing defensive.

Greg looked over to Remus pointedly and motioned at the two of them. " _All this_. Okay? Just stop being a bloody git."

Sirius took another step closer, standing only a few inches from the wizard. "What are you saying? You don't like me hanging out with Remus?"

Greg closed his eyes and spoke, his words filled with frustration. "No. That's not what I mean. It's just..." he paused and opened his eyes, continuing in a soft, almost pleading tone, "Just come with us, yeah?"

Sirius moved away from him and back towards Remus. "No. I don't want to. And if you have a problem with Remus you can just spend _all_ your bloody time with Parkinson for all I care," he said harshly, glaring darkly at the wizard.

Greg stood completely still for a long moment and then nodded slowly. "All right. If that's what you want. I'll see you later, Sirius," he said quietly.

"Great. Have _fun_ ," he said sarcastically, his gaze sharp, indignant anger twisting in his chest, warring with jealousy.

The Slytherin took in a deep breath. "Sirius..."

" _Greg_!"

"Just a _minute_!" he shouted over his shoulder, his voice one of strained politeness. He looked back at the dark-haired wizard, his eyes filled with something that looked a lot like regret. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I thought this was what you wanted."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, his stomach curling uncomfortably at his words. He ignored it. He scoffed, "Don't sweat it, Zabini. It's not like we're a bloody couple."

Greg nodded slightly. "Yeah, I guess not," he said in a quiet voice, his gaze shifting downward, and he turned away.

Sirius stood frozen in place as he watched the wizard walk out of the lake, fighting the urge to chase after him. To apologize. To tell him he did want him to get out of his night with the witch, that he wanted him to himself.

He swallowed hard and looked away. He took a drink of firewhiskey, not able to shake the growing feeling that he had just lost something.


	36. Chapter 36

"Are you coming, Sirius?" Remus asked, his voice more quiet than it had been just a second before when he had spoken to James. The sandy-blond eyed the quiet wizard as he pulled on his shirt and began to button it.

Sirius sat a foot away on the sandy shore of the Black Lake in his slacks and an unbuttoned shirt. "Yeah, in a bit," he mumbled as he stared down at his hands.

"Come on Sirius, you don't want to stay out here alone," James said, bouncing in place in his clothes to warm up, his hair still damp. "Merlin it's cold."

Peter nodded in agreement, his teeth chattering loudly.

Remus stood calmly looking down at the unmoving wizard, not seeming to notice the cool air. "Go ahead in guys, I'll wait for Sirius," he said, settling down beside him.

"Are you sure?" James asked, already backing away despite the look of guilt on his face, Peter following him. Remus nodded, waving them on.

Sirius dropped back to lie on the cold sand as James and Peter began to jog towards the castle, their voices carrying clearly but his brain refusing to process their meaning. He breathed out slowly between parted lips, emptying his lungs, watching a white puff of steam escape from his mouth in fascination.

Remus sat quietly for a few moments as he looked out on the lake, the giant squid near the surface once more since they had all evacuated the shy animal's home.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," the sandy-blond finally said, abruptly breaking the silence.

Sirius let out a harsh laugh, the action feeling oddly unhelpful, only irritating him more. "Sorry? Why are _you_ sorry, Remus?"

"About Greg," the sandy-blond responded softly.

Sirius growled an exhale, his jaw clenching, flexing, as his thoughts shifted to the wizard unwillingly. "I don't give a _fuck_ about him." He glared up at the too cheerful night sky, the stars shining down on them peacefully as if everything were fine. As if he _hadn't_ just sent Greg off to—He growled again, louder. He was probably with the witch at that very moment. In her bed. Undressed. On top of her. Moving. He covered his eyes with his palms and rubbed vigorously, trying to scrub the vivid train of thought from his mind's eye. He didn't care. He didn't. He didn't.

"It's okay if you do though... care about him... that is. You know that, right?" Remus said in a careful tone, his words delivered slowly, "If you're hurt. That'd be understandable. Honestly, it's to be expected really."

Sirius sat up sharply, shooting his friend a dark look, his words only making him feel worse."And _how_ is that supposed to help me, Remus?" Because he didn't want to feel hurt, he didn't want to feel anything. He wanted to not care. It was easier. He covered his head with his hands, trying to clear his mind and push away the feelings bombarding him but failing, his breaths growing shorter and faster as anger continued to build stubbornly in his lungs.

"I hate him," he whispered. "I fucking hate him _so much_ ," he growled out, and then laughter bubbled from his lips in a confused frustration as his brain disagreed with him sharply, and he shook his head jerkily, his chest aching. He shoved himself up, staggering as alcohol-laced blood pumped through his exhausted muscles and made his vision swim a little. He began to make his way to the lake. He just needed to do something. A distraction. Then he'd feel better.

A hand grabbed his arm from behind, stopping him and pulling him back a few small steps just before he could reach the water's edge. "No. Don't go back in there, Sirius. You're dressed, and you're too messed up to swim right now anyway."

Sirius swung around and tried to push his friend away, but firm hands wrapped around his wrists and held him in place. "Get off, Remus! I can swim if I _fucking_ want to. I'm _fine_."

Remus shook his head. "No Sirius. You're _not_. You're upset, and you've had too much to drink," he said firmly, his grip only tightening when the wizard tried to pull away again.

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh. "Okay, _Mum,_ " he said, his tone scathing. Remus shot the wizard an unimpressed look as he continued to hold him in place.

Sirius let out an agitated noise, took a defeated step forward and then dropped his head onto the werewolf's shoulder. He wanted to move even closer or kiss him, but he knew what would happen - he'd reject him - just like Greg had rejected him earlier. He stood silently, breathing in the werewolf's warm scent as he tried to clear his thoughts along with the pain in his chest.

"Why doesn't he like me, Remus?" he whispered into his friend's collar almost hoping he wouldn't hear him.

The werewolf sighed and let go of his wrists, his arms wrapping around him in a comforting hug instead. "He does, Sirius."

A dry laugh escaped his lips. "No, he doesn't. If he did - he wouldn't have left."

Remus stood quietly for a few beats. "You told him to leave. Remember?"

Sirius breathed in deeply, his senses filling with the soothing scent of his friend as he thought. He had. He had also told Remus to go as well though. "You didn't leave me," he said quietly.

"Yeah, well I guess I'm a little more stubborn," Remus said in a joking manner, his words sounding somewhat tense.

Sirius laughed softly. He lifted his head and met the werewolf's gaze. "Yeah, you _are_ a stubborn arse," he said in a teasing whisper, earning him a grin. Grey eyes dropped to upturned lips and then shifted away quickly. He took a step back to put some distance between them and then let out a slow breath, looking around the darkened grounds to find there was no one else outside. "How late is it?"

Remus ran a hand through his damp hair. "Ah, almost midnight I believe."

Sirius nodded as he reached into his pocket, fingers wrapping around a soft metal foil. "It's not too late then. I got this for you when I was in Hogsmeade," he said simply and held out his hand palm up to display a small, single candy in gold wrapping.

Remus took the proffered object and held it up between his thumb and index finger, an eyebrow raising curiously. "I've never seen this before. What flavor is it?"

Sirius lifted a hand to smooth down black locks. "It's an everlasting chocolate candy. You can chew on it, and it never dissolves or loses its flavor," he explained in a slightly nervous voice, suddenly feeling rather foolish for getting it for his friend. He had asked the shop keeper if he had anything special, and the heavyset wizard had brought it out from the back, claiming it was his only one.

Remus looked back down at the candy with a renewed interest. " _Really_?" He let out a small laugh. "Thanks, Sirius."

He nodded quickly. "You like it then?"

Remus laughed again. "Yeah, I _really_ do. In fact, it might be the best present I've ever gotten," he said with a warm smile.

Sirius grinned and felt himself relax. "Good. It's a Valentine's present for you," he said slyly.

"Oh, I, uh - I didn't get anything for you," Remus said in an apologetic tone, closing his hand around the gift.

"No problem," he said quickly with a shake of his head. "I don't need anything." He looked down at the sandy-blond wizard, the conversation between him and the Slytherin running through his mind unwanted, and he spoke up. "Remus, I'm really sorry about Greg, I didn't realize that he had a problem with you."

Remus cleared his throat, and he pocketed the gift Sirius had given him. "Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. Really."

Sirius took a step nearer, meeting the wizard's gaze up close. "No, it is to me - and I _meant_ what I said to him, Moony. You're more important to me than any snog. If anyone _ever_ tried to come between us - I'd choose you. No matter what. You mean so much to me." He almost whispered the last line as he placed his hands gently on Remus's neck and he looked into hazel eyes softly, the wizard's pulse seeming to speed up as it pounded under his thumb. "If you really don't like Greg, I'll end things with him, for good. Just tell me."

Remus stared up at him for a long second, and then his gaze flicked down, and he let out a quiet breath. "Sirius, I - I don't dislike Greg... It's just..."

"...Just what?" he asked, carefully tilting the wizard's chin back up with his thumbs.

"It's just. I-I think I..." Remus stopped again, looking suddenly very unsure.

"What?" Sirius asked and felt himself begin to lean forward as if he could read his friend's mind if only he was close enough. "You can tell me, Remus," he murmured as he stopped just inches from his mouth, his thumb running along the wizard's jawline, resisting the growing urge to touch them with his own, but just barely. He couldn't. He had promised his friend.

"Sirius, I. I-"

" _Sirius_! You're still here!"

The tall wizard's gaze jerked up to see Greg jogging towards them. His hands dropped from his friend's neck, and he took an unconscious step back. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, smoothing long black bangs down.

"Sirius, I'm sorry," Greg said as he pulled up, short of breath. He shot a glance over to Remus. "And, I'm-I'm sorry to you too, Remus, I was being a complete jerk." He looked back to Sirius. "I broke things off with Briony."

Sirius's eyes widened. "What? You did? Greg... you know I _can't_ do that with Evie, right?" he said, suddenly feeling guilty.

Greg waved his hand in a dismissive manner. "Bugger it. You're not even that nice to Greengrass, and Briony was really demanding. So, what do you say? Do you still want to hang out tonight?"

Sirius looked back over to Remus in an unsure fashion, some emotion itching at his chest he couldn't quite place. "Just a second.. Moony, what were you saying?"

The werewolf shot him a small smile and shook his head. "Nothing. It wasn't important. Just go."

"Oh. Okay..." He hesitated for a moment, and then looked back to the Slytherin, and slowly felt his lips tug up at the corners. "Yeah, all right."

* * *

"So, what'd she say?" Sirius asked Greg, the two wizards lying inside pulled Gryffindor-red curtains and dressed in only pajama pants an hour later.

The wizard laughed. "She called me a fucking pouf and said that I was thick if I thought you actually liked me. And I believe she used the words mad, narcissistic and sociopathic—amongst other things—to describe you."

Sirius grinned widely. "Well at least she took it well."

Greg rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. "Yeah... I suppose it wasn't the best night to break things off, being Valentine's and all."

Sirius hummed his assent. "Probably not."

Greg rubbed his hand across his bare chest. "It'll make it hard to find someone else to go steady."

Sirius shifted closer and placed a kiss on the wizard's neck. "Well, you're in luck. Because I'm bloody thrilled you did it, and I'm available."

" _Yeah_?" Greg looked over at him with a hesitant smile, his expression one of thinly veiled surprise.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. I find as long as I spend one day with Evie a month or just give her a present and don't snog any witches in public she's quite happy."

Greg shook his head in begrudging amusement. "So I can have you the other days then?"

Sirius hummed thoughtfully. "Well, I do have to spend a few days a week with Remus in the library or else he'll get lonely. But, yeah, other than that I'm all yours." Greg didn't respond. Sirius wrapped an arm around his chest, not taking notice of the silence. "Night Greg," he whispered in a content voice.

"Night Sirius," the other wizard said, quietly.

* * *

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said happily as he walked over and sat down beside the werewolf in their usual spot in the library a week later, classes over for the day. He reclined and lay his head in the boy's lap. "How's your day been?" he asked as he looked up at him.

Remus nodded, not looking down as he continued to read. "All right. Yours?"

Sirius shrugged. "Did you miss me?"

"Terribly," Remus said in a flat tone as he turned the page to his Potions book.

Sirius let out a barking laugh, earning him a sharp hush from the werewolf. "You know you did." He closed his eyes. "Would you rub my head?"

Remus reached down a hand and began to run his fingers through the wizard's hair. A content noise rumbled in Sirius's chest, a smile tugging at his lips.


	37. Chapter 37

"So, why are we doing this?" Sirius asked as he walked beside James outside on a brisk night on the last Friday in April, both boys carrying their broomsticks.

"Because you're always with Greg or Remus anymore." James shook his head in mock disappointment. "Honestly, the fact that you even have to ask that is alarming."

Sirius grinned. "Awww, poor ickle Jamie feels left out?" he asked, wrapping his free arm around his best friend's neck, pulling him close and placing a loud kiss on his cheek.

James laughed as he grimaced slightly but didn't pull away. "Yeah, I guess so," he admitted.

Sirius shoved him away and let out an excited noise. "Oh, good news, mate! My parents said I could stay with you the first month of summer break," he said excitedly, having heard from them just that morning. The letter, oddly enough, written from his father instead of his mother.

James beamed. "Yeah? That's _fantastic_! I'll tell my parents! We're going to have so much fun!"

Sirius nodded, returning the sentiment eagerly. "I _know_." He walked onto the pitch and threw a leg over his broom. "Then I'm going to have Greg stay for a couple weeks," he added quickly.

James looked over in surprise. " _Yeah_?"

Sirius licked his lips nervously and nodded. "Yeah, apparently our parents worked it out. A little weird, huh? I'm not so sure about it." He lifted up into the air then. He couldn't picture having the wizard stay at his house. Although to be fair he couldn't imagine having _any_ of his friends stay at his house.

He didn't know what they would do at Twelve Grimmauld Place for two weeks. _Eat uncomfortably long meals and hide in the library from my parents probably._ He pushed the depressing thought away. "I should have brought my bat," he said offhandedly as he continued to raise up to the level of the uppermost stands, James lifting up with him.

"No, you shouldn't have. You're a bloody maniac with that thing. You got so worked up last practice you accidentally knocked Jacobs and Finnegan off their brooms. And Finnegan, the bloody bloke, won't stop moaning about it to me," James said with an easy laugh.

Sirius grinned at him as the wind rustled his hair, and he shot his friend an impish look. "I'm offended. You don't know me at all, Potter."

"No?" James grinned back.

"No." He shook his head resolutely. "Finnegan was _completely_ intentional." He let out a bark of a laugh and then turned his broom in a quick half circle and took off towards the stands, nosediving until the last minute and then darting between the rows to work on his steering.

* * *

Sirius sat on his broomstick an hour later, floating lazily just a few yards off the ground as he watched James try to do a backwards flip for the umpteenth time without falling off.

"Ahhh!" James dropped to the ground, landing on his back with a thud and a groan.

Sirius let out a heavy sigh and slouched over. "We should do something," he said in a bored fashion.

"Stop whinging, we _are_ doing something," James retorted stubbornly, climbing back up on his broom that had lowered to hover obediently within reach to try again. "You just want to go snog Zabini."

The tall wizard sat more upright. "That's not true."

James shot him a skeptical look as he lifted back up. "No?"

Sirius shook his head in a decided manner. "No. I want to shag him."

James let out a loud laugh and readied himself for another attempt. "All right. I think I've got this now." The wizard breathed out slowly between parted lips, his expression one of extreme concentration.

Sirius sighed as his mind wandered back to the library earlier that day. Remus hadn't been sitting in their usual spot when he had showed up. He had been sitting at a table with Lily Evans instead. Grey eyes narrowed. He didn't trust the red-headed witch one bit. "James, do you think Evans is better looking than me?"

James fell back to the ground. He looked up at the wizard as he lay on his back in the bright green grass of the pitch, not bothering to get up. "What? _Yes - much_ better looking," he said in a clearly disturbed voice.

Sirius lowered his broom in resignation and climbed off before dropping down beside the wizard. He looked up at the starry sky, his gaze landing on the almost full moon. "I figured you'd say that."

James shot his friend a suspicious look. "Why do you ask?"

Sirius gave a small shrug. "Idle curiosity," he lied.

"Oh." James paused as they both looked up at the night sky, the slight breeze a little too cool to be comfortable. "You should see if you can go straight off the train with me so my mum can take us to Diagon Alley. We can go to the joke shop."

Sirius lay quietly for a moment. "Yeah, I'll ask." He frowned as he considered writing his parents again so soon.

"Sirius..."

The grey-eyed wizard lifted dark eyebrows. "Hm?" Silence ensued. Sirius glanced over at his friend. "What?"

The wizard met his gaze, a worried expression marring his friend's features unexpectedly. "Your home...I mean your parents... Are they... _How_ are they with you?" he asked, hesitantly.

Sirius blinked. "What do you mean?"

James looked back up at the sky. "It's just... you always seem so down or whatnot before and after..."

"Yeah." Sirius chewed on the inside of his lip, his chest tightening, as he considered the question. "Well I suppose they're not nearly as easy-going as your mum and dad," he said quietly. A green curse and dulled eyes flashed before his mind's eye.

A whisper of a laugh fell from his lips. Not as easy-going.

He laughed again. That was an understatement; his father was a murderer. He lived with a _murderer_ , and he had to go back in just a few months. Or did he...? He shook his head, loosing the absurd thought before it could find purchase, because of course he did. It was his _home_.

"What do you mean by that exactly? Are they really strict with you?" James asked in an uncharacteristically cautious voice, "Is that why you were so down at the beginning of the year? Did you get into trouble? Did they do _something_ to you, Sirius?"

"No." Sirius paused, swallowing hard as James's words began to resurface a memory he'd worked so hard to bury. "No, they didn't do anything," he said in almost a whisper when the wizard said his name again. His gaze landed on the moon of its own volition. _He_ had. He had tortured someone. He had tortured someone for being _impolite_ to him. A harsh laugh jerked from his chest, escaping his lips. He had almost forgotten.

"Well, did something else happen? You can tell me, you know. We're best mates."

Sirius shook his head. His father had been proud of him. He had been so _proud_ of him. Both times. He felt a little sick and then his chest begin to shake as an unpleasant laughter filled the air. He had seen a man murdered, and then he had tortured someone. And he had just moved along like it had never even happened. He was going to class, studying, getting good marks, playing pranks, spending time with his friends, snogging and shagging as much as he could - all after torturing someone his age for a slight. Was that normal? Of course it wasn't. What if his father expected more from him this summer? What if he wanted him to kill someone? Could he? What would happen if he said no? Would his father kill him? What was he—

"Sirius! Sirius! Sirius, _are you okay_?"

Sirius startled at the unexpected voice and looked around him. He was standing. He didn't remember standing up. "What?" he asked around short breaths, feeling almost like he had been running.

"Are you okay?"

His gaze focused on Remus. The sandy-blond was staring at him with an indiscernible expression.

Sirius swallowed, his mouth dry. He blinked a few times, his thoughts feeling thick, cloudy. "What are you doing here?" He looked down to see Remus's hands gripping his arms tightly, like he was holding him in place.

Remus looked over to a quiet James and Peter, who were standing a few feet away. "I've got him guys. You can go back to the dorm."

Sirius watched as the two wizards walked away slowly, James carrying both of their brooms. He tried to pull his arms away from the werewolf's grip, but Remus tightened his hold. "Let _go_ of me, Moony," he said in an irritated voice.

Remus waited until their friends were out of view before looking back at him. He released his grip carefully as if he might reconsider. "Do you want to talk about it now?"

Sirius's gaze darted around the dark pitch as he tried to piece together the missing moments in his mind. He had been flying with James, and they - no, no, that wasn't right. They had stopped flying, and were talking... He rubbed at his arm harshly. "Talk about what?"

Remus studied him closely. "What's upset you."

 _No_. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine," he said flatly and then turned to walk away-

"Sirius..." Remus said, his hand on his arm again, holding him in place. He looked around the empty pitch. "You were whispering things," he said in a tense voice.

Sirius looked down at the ground. He said nothing. His heart began to beat in his chest erratically as his mind spasmed. Things? He had said what things? He couldn't have said anything too incriminating, and if he had... he would deny it.

"Just talk to me about it. Please." The words were spoken softly, like they had come from a place of complete understanding, making Sirius almost believe them.

He clenched his eyes shut. He wanted to believe his friend. Believe that if he told Remus what had happened, what he had done, he wouldn't care. At least not enough to stop being his friend. A dry laugh shook the wizard's chest. He swallowed hard. "I don't know if I can," he whispered hoarsely.

"Well. Just _try_."

Sirius nodded slightly. He let out a slow uneven breath, trying to gather his courage. He didn't want to hold it all in anymore. He didn't think he could, and he trusted Remus. More than he trusted most, but he couldn't tell him everything. He glanced nervously at his friend. "What did you hear?"

The sandy-blond stood quietly for a moment. "You were talking about... about someone _dying_."

Sirius nodded jerkily and thought back to the distant memory. He only felt numbness. No pain. No fear. No remorse. "Remus. I. I'm not a good person," he said in a shaky voice.

"That's not true."

Sirius nodded more insistently. "It is. It is, Remus. I. I saw... I saw something _terrible_. And, I-I didn't do anything. _Nothing_ , Remus. I didn't even get upset. There's something wrong with me." He blinked rapidly as his eyes began to burn, and his chest started to ache. His gaze began to unfocus, and he heard a laugh.

"Sirius, _look_ at me."

The dark-haired wizard jerked his head up, not sure when it had dropped.

"There's nothing _wrong_ with you." Remus's hazel eyes bored into his with a fierce intensity, causing Sirius to look away. "Do you _hear_ me? Everyone deals with things differently."

Sirius looked back down at the ground. He nodded slowly. His chest heaved when his breath forced itself out too quickly as if even the air couldn't stand being so near to him. "But what if there is?" he whispered back. He wanted to ask him if he'd still want to be his friend, but he couldn't get the words to form on his lips.

Remus pulled him towards him carefully, his arms wrapping around him in a hug. "There's _not_ ," he said, his tone softening, but the conviction behind the words somehow still shining through.

Sirius closed his eyes and leaned his head on his friend's shoulder. He slowly took in a shaky breath, a hand touched his neck gently and ran up into his hair. He began to relax under the soothing touch—when suddenly without warning sandy-blond hair and a red _curse_ flashed before his mind, jarring him from the peace he had found himself settling into momentarily.

 _Please, stop! Stop! STOP! STOP! T_ orturous pleas and haunting screams filled his mind unbidden, the face shifting to the one always in his dreams. Remus. _No_. "No!"

He jerked back, shoving the wizard away in terror. He had hurt Remus! _No_. No. He shook his head roughly, trying to loose the lies. His mind was just playing tricks on him. _It wasn't Remus_. He looked up at the sandy blond to reassure himself but instead felt his blood turn to ice as realization hit him squarely.

Remus wouldn't want to touch him if he knew what he had done. He was wrong. James was wrong. They were all wrong. No one knew him. If they did. They would _hate_ him.

" _Sirius_?" A cautious hand reached out towards him.

Sirius jerked back. "Don't fucking touch me, Remus!"

"Sirius, what's wrong?" Remus asked, his voice firm again as he took a step closer.

"Just - just don't touch me." He took a step back as he struggled desperately to push all the emotions back down where they belonged but couldn't. "I-I don't want to be touched," he said in almost a pleading voice, a shaky laugh bubbling from his lips as he dropped down to his knees. He didn't deserve the comfort. His hands ran up into his hair, and he found himself laughing harder as the feelings now loose continued to grow, like they wanted to destroy him. He shook his head, trying to make sense as emotions bombarded him, making his chest feel too full and completely empty at the same time. It was maddening. "I'm losing it, Remus. I can feel it. I'm losing my mind!" Fear began to wrap around his insides, strangling him, making it hard to breathe.

Remus leaned down, bringing himself eye-level with him. "No. No you're not. You're going to be okay. Do you understand. I won't give up on you."

Sirius let out a choked laugh. "You _should_. You're _wrong_ about me. So fucking wrong! I _am_ a bad person, Remus!"

"No you're not. You just need to calm down."

"You don't _know_ that!" he shouted, grey eyes wide as his mind raced, refusing to slow down. Afraid of what it might have to deal with when it did. "You don't know _anything_ about me! The things I've _done_! I've done _terrible things_ , Remus!"

"That doesn't mean you're a bad person."

Sirius let out a frustrated roar, and then a sob jerked his chest, anger building because he wanted nothing more than to believe his friend, but he couldn't. " _I am_. Remus..." He swallowed hard. "I've _tortured_ people before," he said in barely above a whisper, pain laced through his every word. The confession felt toxic on his lips as it escaped. He couldn't take it back now.

His body hummed with some new emotion as he stared at the ground, waiting for a response. He looked up slowly at his too silent friend, who was staring back at him with a neutral expression.

He didn't believe him.

"I've crucio'd someone... A _Werewolf_ , Remus," he persisted, his words coming out shaky but growing harsher and more bold. A mean laugh escaped his lips and his expression darkened as his own words echoed in his mind, a twisted emotion winning control in his chest and silencing all the thoughts in his mind but one. He would tell him _everything_.

He smiled slowly, an eerie glimmer lighting in his eyes. "Do you want to know why I did it?" he asked softly in a breathy voice, his chest still rising and falling too quickly as he looked into hazel eyes.

The sandy blond only stared back at him, his expression growing noticeably wary. And Sirius's smile grew, his white teeth gleaming in the moonlight. It would drive him away. He would never talk to Sirius again. It was what he deserved. He didn't deserve friends, and he _definitely_ didn't deserve Remus.

"Just for being _rude_ to me," he sneered. "And it wasn't quick." He shook his head. "No I stood there and held it and listened to him _beg_ for me to stop— _but I didn't_ —not until he was too hoarse to scream anymore." He watched Remus's face drop and felt his traitorous heart try to follow after it.

"No, no that's not true. You wouldn't do that."

Sirius nodded as laughter rocked his aching chest instead of sobs, and he squeezed his burning eyes shut as he fought the part of his mind that was protesting violently with what he was doing.

"I would... _I did_. You don't know me _at all,_ Lupin."

* * *

"Mister Black, take this."

Sirius groaned and pushed himself up into a sitting position. His head was pounding, his chest ached, and his eyes were too dry. "What is this?" he asked, looking down at a dark blue potion in his hand, its acrid smell turning his stomach. "It smells like shit."

"Five points, Mister Black. Language." Madam Pomfrey smoothed out his bed sheets. She shot him a look of reproof. "It's a type of calming draught."

"I don't need this," he said curtly and placed the vial on the table by his bed. "Why am I here?"

"Mister Lupin brought you in last night. You were very upset."

 _Remus_. What had he been thinking? Why had he told him those things? Sirius dropped back down on the bed, the motion making his head jar painfully and his stomach protest. "I have a headache. Get me some headache potion," he mumbled.

"Manners, Mister Black," the mediwitch said sharply, "I am _not_ one of your house elves." She turned and walked off briskly, the sound of her shoes clicking on the stone floor hurting the wizard's head.

Sirius groaned, his hands rubbing at his sore eyes. "Stupid bint."

"Sirius, Madam Pomfrey is a very kind woman."

Sirius stilled. He knew that voice. He opened his eyes. Remus was standing by the curtains with an unsure look on his face.

"Remus..."

"Hey, sorry I didn't stay last night - but hospital rules. You know?" the sandy-blond said in a tense voice.

Sirius pushed himself into a sitting position once more, ignoring the pounding in his head. "I didn't figure you'd come back."

Remus walked over and sat down on a nearby chair quietly. He studied his hands for a long moment. "I considered it."

The dark-haired wizard nodded, the admission hurting despite him expecting it.

Remus looked up at him. "I want to understand. I do." He looked back down at his hands as he continued, "I just... It doesn't make any sense to me. Could you explain it to me a little more?"

Sirius rubbed his arm as his gaze flitted around the empty room. "There's not really anything to explain. My father told me to do it, and so I did."

Remus's gaze jerked up at that. He blinked. "Your father _told_ you to?"

Sirius nodded dejectedly, his gaze dropping. "Basically... Do you hate me?" he asked in a defeated voice. Why was he even asking? Of course he did.

"No."

Sirius looked up slowly, thinking he must have misheard the wizard somehow.

Remus shook his head, his hazel eyes soft and filled with concern. "No, I could never hate you, Sirius. Not _ever_."

The dark-haired wizard's lips turned up ever so slightly at the corners, the smallest amount of warmth finding a place in his tired and achy chest. "Thanks Remus," he said quietly.

 


	38. Chapter 38

"Come on, Remus, do it for _me_ ," James pleaded not for the first time as he walked beside Remus. Sirius was trailing a little behind, hands stuffed in his pockets, Peter by his side, the four Gryffindors making their way towards their favorite tree near the Black Lake on the first Friday in May just after lunch, the warm sun hidden behind a respectable amount of thick white clouds.

The sandy blond shook his head as they neared their spot. "I don't fancy Mary, James. It wouldn't be right."

James dropped onto the ground and leaned back lazily against the trunk, a hand running up into his wild hair to mess it further as he eyed a group of nearby fifth-year Hufflepuff witches, winking at one when she glanced over with a shy smile. He looked back to Remus. "Yeah, well, that's okay. I just need someone to keep her company for a bit so Sarah and I can have some alone time. Just some snogging, you don't have to go steady with her or anything."

Sirius sat down quietly, keeping himself out of the conversation so James wouldn't ask for his opinion. He wasn't in the mood to discuss who Remus should or shouldn't snog. He let out a tired sigh and pulled out from his bag the black leather-bound text he had gotten from his family's villa and flipped to the page on Animagi to read the material over again. It had been a week since his 'incident' on the pitch, and he had been having nightmares again. He let out another silent sigh, blinking the sleep from his eyes and tried to focus on the text, holding down its pages when an errant wind tried to turn them for him.

Remus remained standing. "I told you. I _don't_ like her like that, James. Ask Peter," he said, his tone growing more curt with each word. The short blond perked up at that as he sat down beside James, not speaking up.

James scoffed, pulling a face that clearly expressed how unlikely he was to take the werewolf's advice. "And why don't you like her? She's hot. That's what you said about McKenna too. Don't you like witches at all?"

Sirius's hand stilled when an awkward silence followed the question. He looked up to see James curiously studying a very uncomfortable and notably mute Remus. "Oi, James - I'll go with you," he said abruptly.

His friend looked over at him in surprise. " _What_? But you just told me no earlier, that you couldn't stand Mary. You said that you'd rather fuck a goat."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, feigning indifference. "Yeah, well I changed my mind, Greg's busy tonight anyway. What do you say? I can keep her busy for you two." He held back the grimace at the thought. It wouldn't be that bad.

James shifted uncomfortably. "I was kind of joking before. Would Greg be okay with that?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. It'll be fine," he lied. He didn't know how the wizard would react to it. He would run it by him later.

James nodded back slowly, the movement growing more confident as a wide smile began to overtake his features. "Yeah. All right. Thanks, Sirius!"

Sirius grinned. "No problem, mate." He glanced back up at a visibly ruffled Remus, who was still standing and shooting him an odd look. He shot a quick smile at the sandy blond and then looked back down at his book.

* * *

Sirius blinked and then continued to stare up at the annoyingly familiar, dark woodwork above him as he lay in his bed in only a pair of black, silk pajama pants, his blanket resting just above his waist. The rest of the dorm was painfully quiet, the only sound in the tower just then the soft but insistent rustle of sheets as his legs shifted restlessly underneath them.

"Bollocks," he groaned, rubbing his far too light eyelids with the palms of his hands as he considered his limited options.

Sleep was clearly out of the question. Why had he even lain down in the first place? Wishful thinking. Getting Greg was also not on the agenda of possible things to do at that moment. Not only was it well past midnight, but the Slytherin had told Sirius he was busy all weekend and wouldn't be able to stay any. _What the hell is he doing right now?_ He sniffed indignantly. _Probably sleeping_. His upper lip curled up in disdain at the thought. Sirius had been counting on his company, hoping it would keep the nightmares at bay after a week of next to no sleep. _Maybe I could ask Remus_.

He sat up and stared wistfully at where the Gryffindor-red curtains split. He ran an agitated hand up into his hair as he tried to keep himself from getting up and bothering his friend. He had burdened him enough recently. His chest grew a little tighter at the thought. Did Remus think of him as a burden? He hadn't been talking to him as much since his confession, and he had begun to sit with some Ravenclaw guy in the library instead of sitting on the floor. _Diggory_. The discomfort in his chest grew at the mental picture of Remus and the brunet Ravenclaw smiling at each other. He clenched his jaw and pushed the thought away. That would definitely not help.

He forced himself to lie back down. _You're being ridiculous. They're only dreams,_ he chastised himself. The dark-haired wizard let out a steadying breath and closed his eyes, a familiar feeling of anxiety quickly taking up residence in his chest and forcing a groan out from between his lips.

"Sirius?"

Sirius sat up with a start. _Remus_. He cleared his throat, smoothed down his hair quickly and then pulled the curtains back to his bed. "Hey Remus," he said quietly not able to keep the surprise out of his voice.

The sandy-blond shifted uneasily as he stood in only a pair of pajama pants. "Mind if I join you?" he asked as he rubbed his bare arm in a seemingly nervous fashion.

Sirius nodded his head, pulling the curtain back further. "Sure, come on."

Remus climbed into the bed and sat down on the opposite end, Sirius releasing the curtains and letting them flutter back shut, leaving them in near darkness. He lifted his wand and cast a silencing charm on the drapes and then a 'lumos' and set the softly, yellow glowing wand on the bedsheets between them. Sirius shifted, feeling uncomfortable in his own bed suddenly. He studied his hands in the dim light, avoiding meeting his friend's gaze.

"It's weird being in here," Remus said quietly, breaking the silence.

Sirius smiled somewhat sadly, not looking up. "Yeah, it is. Why haven't you been visiting?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "You've had a lot of company lately."

Sirius nodded, an uncomfortable feeling running through his chest. "Right. That makes sense," he said softly.

"Listen Sirius, thanks for earlier today. You know - about Mary..."

Sirius nodded slightly. "Yeah no problem, Remus." He smoothed down his hair as he blocked out the unwanted memory of his amorous evening with the Gryffindor witch.

"Sirius?"

The dark-haired wizard looked up. "Yeah?"

Remus's gaze met his. "I'm... Sirius, I - I'm _gay_."

Sirius's mouth dropped open, and then he closed it quickly. He blinked. "Well, that's... uh... You mean you don't like girls at all?"

Remus shook his head slowly. "No," he said quietly and then leaned his head down, resting his forehead on his knees, and he wrapped his arms around his legs, an unhappy laugh escaping his lips.

Sirius crawled down, situating himself beside the wizard. He placed a hand carefully on his friend's back. "Well, that's all right, Moony."

Remus turned his head and peeked up at the wizard. "You, you don't care?" he asked in an uneven voice.

Sirius shook his head and slid his hand around the boy's shoulders. "No, of course not, I like guys, too."

Remus sighed. "Yeah, but it's - it's not the _same_. You don't parade around and snog blokes in the hallways in front of everyone."

Sirius laughed at the thought and then gave his friend's shoulder a squeeze. "True, but I don't really see you doing that either," he said in a lightly teasing tone.

Remus smiled begrudgingly at him. "I suppose not." The sentiment dropped from his lips. "Listen, I'm sorry I've been... _off_ this week with you."

Sirius shook his head immediately. "No, no it's fine. Don't worry about it."

Remus nodded slowly. He let out a slow sigh and spoke in a quiet voice, "I'm worried what people will think when they find out. You know?" He looked down again. "My dad will probably hate me."

"No he won't," he said, hoping more than anything that he was right. "And if he does, then he's a fool. A _bloody fool_." Sirius gave his friend's shoulder a soft squeeze. "You're _perfect_ , Remus. It doesn't matter who you like, it doesn't change who you are. Anybody who has any sense knows that."

The sandy blond turned his head and looked over at the wizard. "You really think so?" he asked in a whisper.

Sirius nodded as he gazed into unsure hazel eyes that were peering up at him, partially hidden behind a soft, sandy fringe. "I do," he said roughly. He wanted to say more but lost his train of thought when Remus sat up, his expression shifting to one that made his mouth go dry and his fingers grow restless. He swallowed hard.

"Sirius. I..." Remus began to lean closer.

Sirius's breath caught in his chest as he held himself completely still, the werewolf's breath brushing his lips and making him want to do things he wasn't allowed. "Yeah Remus?"

The sandy-blond leaned in and pressed his lips against Sirius's gently, only resting there for a few beats before pulling back slowly. "Thank you," he whispered.

Sirius nodded barely. "Anytime," he forced out as his heart pounded demandingly against his chest as if it desperately wanted to escape. He looked away, focusing on the closed drapes beside him as he tried to calm his body down. _A friendly kiss. It was just a friendly thank you kiss. That's all,_ he insisted to himself. He ran a hand through his hair roughly, mussing it. "Ah, so, do you want to stay tonight?" he asked, trying to keep the pleading out of his voice that he felt clenching at his chest.

"Yeah - if you don't mind," the werewolf responded in a careful tone.

Sirius shook his head quickly. "No, not at all." He climbed up and got under his sheets. He looked down at his still-sitting friend and patted the space beside him with an impish grin. "Don't be shy."

Remus laughed and crawled up, settling down on his side, facing the wall.

Sirius studied him for a moment and then lay down on his back. He felt excitement surge through him as his hands rested on his chest. He was so close. He was in his bed. He had been in his bed before. But, that was before. Before he knew everything they could do. He rolled onto his side and stared at the wizard's back in front of him.

"You can hug me tonight if you'd like," the sandy-blond whispered.

Sirius smiled and scooted forward, wrapping his arm around Remus's chest, careful to keep space between their lower bodies. "It's like you can read my mind," he whispered back teasingly.

Remus let out a soft laugh. Sirius grinned at the sound and placed a small kiss on the boy's shoulder unthinkingly. "Oh, sorry," he said quickly.

"No, no it's okay, I don't mind," the werewolf said just as quickly.

" _You don't?_ " Sirius paused and then leaned forward and placed a tentative kiss on the back of Remus's neck, his lips pressing gently against the warm skin, lingering a little longer than before. He smiled when Remus shivered slightly under the touch. "What about that?"

"That's... that's okay, too," the werewolf said, his voice coming out more rough.

Sirius leaned his forehead against the wizard's back and slid his hand down slowly along his friend's bare side, his heart thumping wildly as his fingers roamed over marked skin. "This?" he asked breathily in an uneven voice.

"Yeah, that's-that's good."

Sirius licked his lips as he ran his middle finger along Remus's pants line, and then carefully dipped his thumb just below the waist. "And _this_?" he whispered, his heart galloping at a maddening pace, trying to run away with the air in his lungs.

The werewolf gasped, causing Sirius's breath to catch in his throat as a jolt of excitement shot down through his body. "Yeah. E-even better."

Sirius fought to keep his lower body stationary as his mind struggled to function without the proper blood flow. He placed a gentle kiss below sandy blond locks. "Can I touch it, Remus?" he whispered huskily, barely able to make the words out himself as his breath raced in and out of his chest.

"If-if you want," the werewolf gasped out.

Sirius scooted closer and pressed his lower body up against the wizard's backside and let out a low moan, his mind and body in complete agreement. "I _really_ want, Remus..." His hand began to move down when he hesitated. "Do you?"

The sandy blond nodded jerkily. "Yeah, yeah, I do."

Sirius smiled, his hand running down slowly and finding purchase on smooth, silky skin that was not his, and Remus groaned.

* * *

"Sirius! Sirius!"

Sirius woke up slowly. He yawned, his legs straightening and toes stretching to find another set of feet. His eyes opened to see Remus still lying beside him asleep. A soft smile pushed up his lips, and he shifted closer, wrapping his arm around his waist. He nuzzled against warm skin, his smile growing when Remus leaned into the touch and let out a noise of contentment, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like his name.

" _Sirius_!"

The dark-haired wizard snuggled closer to the sleeping boy. "Go away, James. S'too early," he mumbled groggily.

"Sirius, Greg wants to talk to you. He's out here."

Grey eyes popped open. _Shit_. Sirius sat up quickly, looking around inside his bed. "Just a minute," he said in a thick voice as he tried to hold back the curses running through his mind. He could hear James talking to the Slytherin by the door. He considered just covering up Remus with the blankets. _He'd notice the giant lump. Remus isn't exactly small._ He held back a growl. _Think. Think._

"Sirius?" Greg's voice sounded from just outside his bed.

Sirius threw the blanket over his friend and then turned and slid out between the curtains, leaving them as closed as possible in the process. He fumbled with them behind his back once he was out, making sure there wasn't a gap. "Greg," he said with a huge smile, "I thought you were busy this weekend."

The Slytherin eyed the curtain and then Sirius. "Who's in there?" he asked bluntly.

Sirius's eyes widened in disbelief, a laugh escaping his lips. "What? No one. Just me... Well, not me, because I'm not in there at the moment obviously, I'm out here, but I was." He scratched the side of his nose. "So no one." He cleared his throat and forced a smile.

Greg nodded slowly. "All right. Do you want to get breakfast with me?"

Sirius looked around the dorm. James had left, and Peter's curtains were still pulled. "Yeah, sure. I'll just be a minute."

The Slytherin stood quietly, his gaze searching the room as Sirius fumbled through his trunk for clothes. "Do you want to wake Remus before you leave?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, he's mean in the morning. I'll just let him sleep." His hands stopped their rifling. He looked up at the wizard, who was shooting him a not so pleasant look. He stood up slowly. "Greg, listen..."

The Slytherin nodded, his expression closed off. "All right. I'm listening."

Sirius walked towards him. "It's not like that with me and Remus."

The wizard blinked. "You two didn't mess around then?"

Sirius opened his mouth to lie but then stopped, letting out a resigned sigh in its stead. "Yeah, we did," he admitted quietly.

Greg pressed his lips together tightly and then turned, without responding, and began to walk towards the door, Sirius quickly following after him. "Greg, _wait,_ " he said, grabbing his arm from behind just before he could reach the door's handle and spinning him around. "I thought you were okay, you said yesterday-"

"I said _Mary_ ," the wizard said, cutting him off sharply. "I said _Mary_ was fine, Sirius. I didn't say to go shag _every_ Gryffindor you could bed," he hissed.

Sirius's eyes widened in surprise at the wizard's anger. "I didn't." He shook his head adamantly. "Just them. I swear. And we didn't shag." He glanced over at his bed and then back to the seething wizard. "Don't be angry," he pleaded.

Greg leaned his head back against the door and let out a noise of frustration. "Hell Sirius. What do you _want_ from me? You're fucking with my head."

Sirius nodded, a feeling of remorse filling his chest. "I know, you're right. I'm sorry. I - I won't do it again. You have my word."

Greg lifted his head, chocolate eyes training on him. "What. Fool around with Mary or... Remus?" he asked slowly in a cautious tone.

Sirius shook his head. " _Anyone_ ," he said.

The Slytherin took a step towards him. "Really?" he asked, his eyebrows lifted as he eyed him with a look of open skepticism.

Sirius nodded. "As long as we're together." He took a step closer, his hand settling on the wizard's neck. "All right?"

Greg nodded somewhat reluctantly. "Yeah - all right."

* * *

"Hey Remus." Sirius stood just inside the dorm, trying to figure out what to say to the sandy-blond. He held out a napkin with a breakfast roll set on it. "I brought you breakfast," he said.

"Thanks Sirius," Remus responded with a small smile as he stood in front of his bed, knotting his tie.

Sirius ran a hand up to his neck. He walked over to the werewolf and handed him the food as he looked down at him. He needed to tell him. He needed to-He blinked. Fuck, he just really wanted to kiss him. He closed his eyes so he could resist the urge.

"Greg's upset?"

Sirius's eyes popped open. "How'd you know?"

Remus shot him a wry smile before turning away to place the food on his nightstand. "You two woke me up this morning."

"Oh. Yeah. Well. _Listen_ -"

"Sirius." Remus cut him off as he faced him once more. "It's fine. I don't mind. In fact, it's better this way. I actually wanted to tell you something last night, but things got a little-Well... you know," he said, his words growing more hesitant.

Sirius nodded, ignoring his body as it responded to the memory still fresh in his mind. "Yeah? What's that?"

"I've, I've started seeing someone," Remus said quickly.

Sirius took a step back at the unexpected words, feeling like he had just had the wind knocked out of his lungs. He blinked a few times. He had to have misheard him. Remus was seeing someone? " _Who_?" He heard himself ask.

"Well, he just asked me yesterday to go to Hogsmeade with him today. So, we're not together _yet_ , but I... I like him."

Sirius blinked. Remus _liked_ someone. He liked someone else. He felt like his heart dropped into his stomach. " _Who,_ Remus?" he asked again.

"If I tell you. You have to promise-"

"Just.  _Tell me_ ," he said tersely, his breathing growing erratic as he tried to keep his cool. He could handle this.

Remus sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed, he looked down at his hands and spoke quietly, "Ian. We've been studying together lately and-"

" _Diggory_?" Sirius let out an incredulous laugh, the sound bordering angry, but he didn't care.

Remus nodded slightly, looking up. "Yeah, and-"

"But he's a _sixth year_!" he shouted. How could he like someone else? Why didn't he like him? What was wrong with _him_?

The sandy blond shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, so?"

"And, and - he's a Ravenclaw! _He's a_ _fucking Ravenclaw_!"

Remus stood up and glared at his friend. "Yeah, I _know_. Stop yelling at me. All right?"

Sirius clenched his jaw over and over, his hands rolling into fists. He would kill the bloody bastard. He would knock out all his perfect teeth-

"Sirius." Remus walked towards him. "Promise me you won't bother him." He placed a hand on his arm.

Sirius pulled his arm away, taking a step back and rubbing where Remus's hand had been, trying to rid himself of the feeling. He swallowed hard, forcing his expression into a less homicidal one. He had no reason to be upset. His mind disagreed vehemently. He ignored it. "Of course I won't," he said in a tight voice. He cleared his throat and shook his head. "Really. I'm-I'm happy for you," he said in a slightly more convincing tone as his chest ached in protest.

"Sirius, I-"

"I gotta go." He turned abruptly and walked out of the room, ignoring his friend's calls from behind him as the pain in his chest continued to grow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this story will begin to rightfully earn its 'explicit' rating when Sirius turns 16. Haha. So you know...


	39. Chapter 39

_Diggory_.

Sirius lifted the cigarette that was set loosely between his index and middle finger to his lips and inhaled the smoke that still stung his lungs. He choked slightly as he exhaled. What did the wizard have that he didn't? Other than a stupid grin plastered to his face all the time that begged to be hexed off. _I'm much richer and better-looking, and I'm probably smarter too_. He took another drag, forcing his sensitive lungs to acclimate to the toxic but soothing habit.

He frowned as he exhaled, the smoke passing smoothly between his lips for the first time without a cough. He had known his friend would eventually fall for someone, but he had been hoping when it happened it would be him. He had thought that maybe if he changed enough, Remus would notice, and if he wasn't so, so... Hell, he didn't know what he thought anymore. He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and relishing the distracting burn.

"Hey Sirius, I was wondering where you went to. I've been looking all over for you."

Sirius exhaled lazily through his nostrils as he looked over his shoulder to see James walking towards him. "Well congratulations, you've found me," he said with no small degree of sarcasm.

"Where'd you get those?" his friend asked, ignoring his tone and pointing to the pack of cigarettes resting on the banister.

Sirius sniffed. "Goyle." He really couldn't stand the wizard, but he did have his uses. He took another drag and turned his focus back to the grounds below. The astronomy tower in the day gave a clear view of everything, including the Quidditch pitch. Not that he wanted to look at it.

His gaze dropped down to his hands and the burning cigarette. He watched as wisps of smoke clung to the tip's edge, desperately trying to hold on, until more smoke began to take its place and it finally gave up, reluctantly letting go and drifting away sadly only to dissipate a few seconds later into nothing. Like it had never existed. His lips twitched.

"Spying on the Ravenclaws' practice?" James asked quietly as he picked up the box of fags, eyeing them thoughtfully before pulling one out.

Sirius nodded, blowing out smoke forcefully between mostly pressed lips as he did. "Yeah. We're going to _murder_ them on Saturday," he said, his tone not so much harsh as determined. He pulled out a black lighter from his slacks' pocket and tossed it to his friend. Murder. He smiled slightly at the enticing word.

"Thanks," James said as he held the cigarette in the corner of his mouth, lifting both hands, lighting it with one, while blocking any errant drafts with the other. He took in a deep drag and blew it out slowly, clearly familiar with the habit. "When'd you take up smoking?"

Sirius shrugged a shoulder. "A few days ago. You?" He dropped the cigarette butt and stepped on it, twisting his shoe over it, grinding it into the ground. He kicked the smashed leftovers off the edge.

"Last summer. This muggle girl I met when we went to our beach house started me on them," James said as he exhaled slowly again, blowing smoke out of the corner of his mouth. "Are you going to be okay to play Thursday?"

Sirius tensed at the concern in his friend's words. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

"Well, you've been growling every time you see... Diggory lately," the wild-haired wizard hedged, tapping the excess ash from the tip of his cigarette over the side of the tower nonchalantly.

Sirius stood upright, glaring darkly down at his friend. "Do you have a problem with that, Potter?"

James lifted his hands in an appeasing gesture and shook his head slightly. "No, I'm just asking is all."

Sirius sighed and leaned over the banister. "I'm fine," he said, wishing it were true. He ran a hand through his hair roughly as he thought. "James, can I ask you something?"

His friend exhaled slowly. "Yeah, shoot."

Sirius looked over at him. "What do you think Remus sees in Diggory?" he asked quietly.

James let out a laugh. "Ah... I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask that, mate."

Sirius grinned slightly. He leaned further over the edge and stared down at the ground far below. "No, I mean... not looks-wise."

James sighed by his side. " _Listen_ Sirius, I don't know what the deal is exactly between you and Remus. But, I _do_ know that Remus is a level-headed guy." He took in one last drag and then flicked his cigarette over the banister.

"If he likes Diggory, maybe you should let it go for a bit. Focus on Greg, yeah? He's a good guy." He patted him on the shoulder. "I've been waiting out Evans. They'll come around eventually. I mean," he paused, a huge smile exposing his dimples. "We're both bloody irresistible."

Sirius let out a small laugh, a smile making itself known begrudgingly. "Yeah. I can't argue with that."

* * *

"Studying for exams already?" Sirius stood on the last Friday in May with his hands shoved into his pockets and his tie undone, looking down at Greg, who was sitting under a tree by himself after lunch, Potions book resting in his lap.

"Yeah, I'll be glad when they're through," the wizard said in a subdued voice as he looked up at him, no smile alighting his face.

Sirius nodded. "Mind if I sit with you?" he asked nervously.

"Sure," the wizard said, moving his bag to the other side of him, placing his Potions book on top of it.

Sirius sat down beside the wizard and looked out at the lake, the midday sun reflecting off it brightly in spots where clouds weren't blocking its path. "Where're Crabbe and Goyle?"

Greg rubbed a hand over his short hair. "Ah, they've been _busy_ lately," he said in a tense voice before clearing his throat and continuing, "Tough luck about your match. I didn't even know it was possible to get thrown out of a game."

Sirius half grimaced and half smiled. "Yeah, at least we still won." He had gotten kicked out of the final game against Ravenclaw after knocking half their team, and then a couple of his own off their brooms. It hadn't been his finest moment. He glanced over at the unusually solemn wizard and then around them before scooting closer to him, leaving only a couple inches between them. He poked the wizard's arm with his finger. "You okay?"

The Slytherin sighed and nodded his head reluctantly. "Yeah. Things have just been kind of... _tense_ in my House the past few months." He glanced over at the wizard. "Sorry if I've been short with you lately."

Sirius shook his head. "No, don't apologize. I've been an ass."

Greg let out a laugh, smiling for the first time and shrugged his shoulders, not denying his words. "What are you doing out here without your friends?"

Sirius nudged the wizard's leg with his own. "Looking for you. I wanted to ask you something."

"Oh? What's that?" Greg shot him a curious look, his eyebrows raising in a questioning manner.

Sirius swallowed. He could do this. "Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?" he asked quickly.

"Just you and me?" the wizard asked, his eyebrows lifting higher.

"Yeah. You know. Like a - _date_ ," he said with a small grin at the simple word that felt so odd coming from his lips. Remus and Ian walked by just then, laughing over something as they made their way down to the lake. Sirius looked away immediately from the couple, his gaze settling on the grass. He reached down and pulled up a few blades and began to tear them apart one at a time as he waited anxiously for the wizard's answer.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Greg finally asked by his side.

Sirius considered the question. He knew he was asking if his parents would be upset with him if he was more open about their relationship. His parents would probably prefer him to take Evie. Well, he knew his mother would at least - whether he wanted to or not. Whether it made him happy or not. His jaw flexed. She had expectations, and he was to fulfill them. Period. She never asked him what he wanted. Ever. And he knew why.

She didn't care.

A feeling he had noticed twinges of before suddenly began to hum with a surprising amount of fervor in the space below his ribs. He ripped the last blade of grass a few more times and then dropped its remains on the ground, wiping his hands on each other harshly to get rid of any excess. "Probably not." His gaze hardened. "But honestly, I don't really know if I give a fuck anymore."

Greg hummed indecisively and then settled into silence.

"So what do you say, Zabini?" Sirius looked over at the wizard. "Are you in?"

Greg met his gaze, a mischievous grin slowly pushing up the corners of his mouth, receiving a darker one in response. "Let's do it, Black."

* * *

Sirius stood on Saturday in his nicest pair of black slacks and dark purple button up, silky raven locks framing his grey eyes and high cheekbones as he leaned lazily on the wall, watching the Slytherins file out of their common room.

"Hello Sirius."

The wizard looked down to meet bright blue eyes. He smiled at the witch, who was wearing a short, navy skirt and fitted, white blouse, her long blonde hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. "Hello, Evie. Are you going to Hogmseade today?"

The witch shook her head. "No, studying for Owls," she said, her glossed lips tightening into a wistful smile. She looked around the hallway as it continued to fill. "What brings you down here?"

"Drugs." Sirius lifted his hand to catch the attention of Goyle over the growing crowd, the Slytherin having just walked through the archway. The imposing wizard nodded his acknowledgement and began to make his way over, wizards and witches alike moving out of his way as he made a straight path to him.

"Black," Goyle greeted the wizard curtly as he glanced around them, his harsh sweeping gaze quickly discouraging the prying eyes of his house. He took a step closer, their chests almost meeting like he was going to whisper something to the just-taller wizard only to step back a few seconds later no words exchanged between them.

Sirius grinned widely as he placed a small box in his pocket discreetly, the other wizard doing the same but with quite a few galleons instead. "I always knew you were good for something, Goyle."

The wizard shot him a cool look. "Enjoy Black."

"I will." Sirius watched the wizard stalk off before smiling down at the silent witch by his side. He leaned over and placed a small kiss on her cheek. "Study hard," he whispered in her ear before walking off quickly to find Greg.

* * *

"I've got something for us to try out." Sirius strolled along lazily beside Greg as they made their way down to Hogsmeade. The sun was shining brightly in the clear sky as they walked near the back of the large group, looking like nothing more than two friends without dates on their way to spend the day together. The Slytherin had made it clear that while he wasn't too concerned about his parents he still wanted to be discreet for both their sake.

The chocolate-eyed wizard beside him didn't look over. "What makes you think I'm interested in trying something of that... nature?"

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Did Goyle tell you?"

Greg glanced over at him, a small smile reluctantly making itself known. "I overheard him and Vincent talking at breakfast. Sirius," he paused and then continued in a more private voice, "Jonathan's really not the type of person you should get mixed up with."

Sirius grinned and draped an arm around the wizard's shoulder in a similar fashion as he would James or Peter. "Some would say the same about me, Zabini, but I don't see you listening," he whispered in his ear, making their position more open to speculation.

Greg shook his head. "No, not some. All," he said matter-of-factly. "And I should have, but I fear that's no longer an option for me."

Sirius laughed again and then ran his tongue up the rim of the wizard's ear quickly.

Greg let out a low noise. "Don't do that. We're walking," the wizard said quietly but in a firm tone, pushing him away and putting some space between them. "There are people around."

Sirius glanced over his shoulder to see most oblivious in the small group behind them with the exception of two pretty Slytherin sixth-year witches, who were eyeing them curiously. He winked at the taller and prettier of the two, a dark-haired witch, earning him a flirtatious smile, and then turned back around. "Don't worry, no one even noticed."

* * *

"So, what does this do exactly?" Greg asked as he stood in the boys' bathroom at the Three Broomsticks with Sirius, looking down at a small, glass vial that held within it only a few drops of an iridescent, pink potion.

"It makes everything better," Sirius said simply in a smooth voice as he leaned on the door to keep anyone from coming in the public bathroom. "Everything." He shot the wizard a meaningful look.

Greg continued to eye the vial warily. "I don't know..."

Sirius pushed off the door and took a step closer, holding a matching vial in his own hand. "Don't think about it so much." He popped the top off with his thumb, Greg shooting him an unsure look.

"Listen Greg, you don't have to if you don't want. I'll just do it," he said and then lifted the small bottle to his mouth and tapped a single drop onto his tongue.

He closed his mouth around it and smiled as it absorbed, its effects quickly making themselves known. His pupils slowly dilated, taking over grey irises, as his mind began to clear — and everything suddenly felt different.


	40. Chapter 40

" _Moony_!" Sirius wrapped an arm around the surprised wizard's waist. "Moony, you're _here_. I'm so glad you're here," he murmured, lacing his other arm around him and pulling him into a tight hug. He let out a sigh of contentment as he leaned into his friend. They were friends. Best friends. No, better than best friends, they were-

"Sirius, are you feeling okay?" Remus loosened his hold as he leaned back to look at the dark-haired wizard.

Sirius laughed at the ridiculous question. "Yeah, I'm fantastic!" He pulled the wizard closer again, his hands running up and down his back as he felt every muscle, pleasure coursing up through hands at the simple action. They should hug more. "Fuck, you feel _so_ good, Moony. I just want to rub myself all over you," he whispered in his ear.

Remus grabbed the wizard by the arms and looked at him again. "What is wrong with you?" He eyed him carefully. "Have you been _drinking_?" He frowned, his eyebrows furrowing.

Sirius laughed, the feeling of the werewolf's firm touch blossoming out from the point of contact and sliding into his chest, warming it and then moving out.

An uncomfortable cough filled the space. Sirius blinked, Remus's hands dropping from his arms suddenly. Who was that? He shifted his gaze over a few feet to see Ian Diggory studying him.

He stood up straight and took a step closer to the wizard, happy to find himself taller than the sixth-year Ravenclaw. He reached out a hand. "We haven't met."

The wizard took his hand. "Ian Diggory."

Sirius's lip curled in distaste when their hands touched, the contact sending a cold feeling like ice through his fingers into his palm and up his arm. He quickly turned it into a smile. He had told Remus that morning he would be nice. "Hello, _Ian -_ Sirius Black," he said in his most polite voice that he reserved for use at home, pulling his hand away as soon as he could without seeming rude and rubbing his hand on his pant leg discreetly.

"It's good to meet you, Sirius," the auburn-haired wizard greeted him genially. "Remus has told me a lot of good things about you." He smiled warmly at the sandy-blond, who returned the sentiment.

Sirius held back a scowl. "Well, Remus is a generous bloke, don't believe everything he says," he said coolly, a small smile curling up his lips when the wizard looked slightly disconcerted.

The Ravenclaw cleared his throat. "Right... Well, what do you say we find a table?" he asked Remus.

Sirius looked around the full pub for Greg. Where had he gone? He let out a small laugh when he found him, sitting at a table in the back corner with the dark-haired Slytherin witch from the walk practically in his lap. "You can sit with us," he offered quickly.

Remus looked over at him, his eyes widening ever so slightly. "No, no that's okay, Sirius. Thanks anyway."

"No, I _insist_ Remus. There aren't any open tables, let me just check with Greg first." Sirius made his way through the crowd towards Greg, who now had the witch in his lap as she ran her hands in his hair, his eyes closed in a look of euphoria. He sat down beside the Slytherin. "Hey." Greg looked over in surprise. "Remus and his friend are going to sit with us."

Greg blinked, his eyes glassy as the witch leaned over and began to place light kisses on his neck. "Lupin?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Is that okay?"

The wizard groaned quietly when the witch shifted in his lap to move closer. "Yeah, yeah sure. That's fine." Sirius grinned and waved them over.

* * *

"So, _Diggory_... I can't say I'm too familiar with that name," Sirius said in a neutral tone as Remus and the wizard took the seats across from him. He sat leaned back in his chair, his arm wrapped casually around the back of Greg's seat as he rubbed the wizard's shoulder with his thumb, his entire leg resting snugly against the wizard's under the table as the Slytherin continued to snog the witch in his lap much to Sirius's entertainment. He wasn't sure how he'd feel once the potion wore off, but at the moment he was enjoying it rather thoroughly.

"Sirius... what is Greg doing?" Remus asked in a slow voice.

Sirius looked over to his boyfriend as if to see what had elicited the question. Greg had his hands under the witch's shirt in a _relatively_ benign spot, his open mouth moving against the witch's as she continued to shift ever so subtly in his lap every few seconds or so, the wizard groaning into her mouth each time. He slid his hand off the table and situated himself inside his pants discreetly. "He's making out with Bella here."

Remus coughed, sounding like he was choking on his own spit.

"So - you came along with Bella and Greg?" Ian asked, appearing confused as to Remus's reaction.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. " _No_ , I came with Greg. Bella is just _visiting_." He glanced over again as one of Greg's hands began to slide somewhere not so innocent. He cleared his throat and looked back to Remus. "So, what are you two doing today?" he asked, his voice strained as he leaned over and ran his hands over the smooth, cold table. It felt so good. He needed the distraction, because he really wanted to join in. The witch _had_ invited him to... No. _No. Not in front of Remus_. He looked over again at them. _Maybe just_ -

"Sirius? Can I talk to you in private for a moment?"

Sirius nodded reluctantly, the wizard's voice sounding like honey. He wanted to drink it. He shook his head. Did that make sense? "Sure." He stood up carefully, his balance slightly off as his head began to spin. He looked down at the wizard and witch. "Hey Greg."

The wizard pulled back, looking up at him as he continued to discreetly move a hand under the witch's skirt. "Yeah Sirius?" he asked in a husky voice, the witch looking up at him too under heavily-lidded eyes.

Sirius closed his eyes and swallowed hard as he gathered himself. _Fuck_. "Ah, I'm going to go talk to Remus for a minute. Don't go anywhere. Okay?"

Greg smiled. "I won't."

Sirius nodded. " _Good_." He turned and followed Remus, who appeared to be making his way to the bathroom, his fingers trailing along the walls as he watched the wizard walk.

Remus held the door open for him, Sirius stepping in with an easy smile.

They stood quietly as they waited for a seventh-year Hufflepuff to wash his hands and then leave.

Remus locked the door behind the wizard with his wand and then turned slowly to face Sirius. "What the _bloody hell_ is going on with you two?"

Sirius blinked. "Who?"

Remus stepped closer to him. "Sirius... _You and Greg_. Why is he making out with that girl?"

"Her name is _Bella_ ," Sirius corrected him.

Remus frowned. "All right. _Why_ is he snogging the shit out of _Bella_? They look like they're about to get off with each other!"

A small whine escaped from the back of Sirius's throat. " _Fuck—_ you're right, Moony. I'm going to miss it." He moved towards the door.

" _Sirius_!" Remus grabbed his arm. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you?"

Sirius felt himself spin around and was pressed back against the door before he knew it. He looked into worried hazel eyes. "Nothing Remus," he said in what was meant to be a soothing, or even better, a reassuring tone but instead ended up uneven and _far_ too husky. He cleared his throat and placed his free hand on the wizard's chest. "We're just having some fun is all."

Remus's grip tightened on his arm. "Are you on something?" He leaned in closer and inhaled deeply as he hovered just over the wizard's neck. A growl rumbled in his chest. "Fuck, Sirius. What did you take? Your smell is _really_ off."

Sirius grinned. "You really know how to make a guy feel sexy, Lupin."

Remus growled again, his features growing darker. "I'm not joking around. _What_ did you take? _Tell me,_ " he said, his grip tightening.

Sirius let out a low groan when Remus's fingers dug into his arm as the pressure that would surely leave a bruise only excited him further.

" _Sirius.._."

Sirius grinned at the sound of his name on his friend's tongue. "Ex."

Remus's eyes widened, his free hand reaching up and grabbing his other arm as he began to shake him. " _Exstasis potion_? Why in the _hell_ would you take that! It's not safe!"

Sirius smiled at the voice, the words falling from his friend's mouth caressing his body as rough hands tightened their grip. His excitement grew and his eyelids drooped, a low moan slipping from his lips unbidden. "That feels so _good,_ Remus."

"Fuck Sirius... _Stop_ that!" Remus said, his voice tense.

"Stop what?" the wizard asked, his pupils growing even larger as the werewolf's grip relaxed, suddenly more gentle. A caress. He had thought it couldn't get better. He was wrong. "Stop what, Remus?" he asked softly when the werewolf didn't respond, his hand reaching out to settle on his friend's chest. He could feel the wizard's pounding heart hidden underneath, its beat matching his own.

"You're... you're just..." Remus closed his eyes tightly. "You just _really_ need to go back to the dorm. You shouldn't be around people like this."

"Like what?" Sirius's gaze dropped to his friend's slacks. A low-pitched noise rumbled in his chest, and his hand began to slide down Remus's shirt slowly. "I don't want to be alone," he said in almost a whisper. "Can I take Greg and Bella with me?"

" _No_."

He looked up. "Why not?"

Remus clenched his jaw. "You're not thinking straight. It's a _bad_ idea. Just, just - _trust me_."

Sirius smiled softly at the sandy-blond. "I do trust you. Will you go with me then?"

Remus closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. "I can't. I'm on a date right now."

Sirius's hand stopped and rested on the werewolf's belt, gripping it tightly to keep him from taking a step back. "Yeah, well so am I, Remus. So either you go with me, or we both keep our dates. I _need_ someone right now."

* * *

Sirius slid into the seat beside Greg. "Sorry I took so long. Where's Bella?" he asked softly. He reached up to rub a smear of shiny lipgloss from the wizard's neck, his thumb gently running over the skin where the girl's lips had been.

"Bathroom," the Slytherin replied hesitantly with an abashed grin, his gaze more lucid than Sirius remembered. "I think this stuff is starting to wear off, my stomach's a little upset."

Sirius's hand slowly dropped to his side. "Sorry." He clenched his fist, fingers tingling as he still felt the affects too keenly.

The Slytherin cleared his throat. "Sirius... I'm really sorry about-"

"Greg." He laughed, the sound surprisingly harsh to his own ears, and leaned his forehead on the cool tabletop. "Don't fucking apologize."

Silence ensued.

"What'd Remus need to tell you? Is everything all right?"

Sirius lifted his head slowly and looked over to the wizard in question, he was standing with Diggory by the bar. He watched the Ravenclaw's easy smile slowly drop from his features as Remus rubbed the side of his neck, his lips moving reluctantly in what Sirius assumed involved the formation of words that undoubtedly included his name and some choice words to describe him. "Mostly - he just shouted at me."

"Shouted? About what?"

Sirius shrugged as he watched the Ravenclaw place a hand on Remus's shoulder. "He found out about the potion."

"Hm." The Slytherin's gaze shifted over to where the sandy-blond was standing. "He won't say anything, right?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, he just wants me to go back to the dorm with him," he said quietly. Sirius saw Remus smile at the wizard with a look he had thought he could only elicit from the werewolf. He had been wrong.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he watched on in a morbid fascination as Remus laughed softly at something the other wizard said. The Ravenclaw leaned forward and placed his hand on Remus's neck before pressing his lips gently to his friend's cheek, sandy-blond eyelashes closing on contact and somehow—from across the room—they _crushed_  something deep inside his chest into a million little pieces. Like shards of glass, they stung, leaving a sharp pain with each new breath.

He had been wrong about a lot of things.

He looked away, blinking rapidly. He had been fooling himself. Remus had never liked him. And he never would. How could he? Why would he? He was a fuck up. His own mother didn't even care about him. A whisper of a laugh escaped his lips. He was pathetic. Pining after his friend. Friend. He was only a friend to Remus. And not even a good one. He was a chore. An obligation.

Nothing more.

"Sirius, you okay? You don't look so good."

Sirius nodded jerkily, tearing himself from his thoughts. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I think my potion's wearing off too." He looked over to the wizard beside him, placing a hand on his leg and giving it a light squeeze. "Listen Greg, why don't you come with me instead?" he asked, suddenly desperate to leave the pub and get as far away from Remus as possible.

The wizard's mouth dropped open slightly. "What about Remus?"

Sirius forced an impish grin as the remnants of what undoubtedly used to be his heart dug deeper into his chest at the wizard's name. "What about him?"

Greg quirked a surprised smile but then quickly looked around the busy pub before saying in a hushed tone, "I actually feel kind of bad leaving Bella though, since she took some too," he said, his voice somehow sounding torn between the very polar emotions of indifference and guilt. He looked into grey eyes. "But if you really want me to - I will."

Sirius sighed and ran a hand up into his hair, messing it. "Shit," he muttered, having forgotten about the witch. It would seem it hadn't been such a good idea after all. He removed his hand from the wizard's leg and began to fiddle in his pocket, fingering the small vial inside it. "Yeah, you're right. You should probably stay with her," he said begrudgingly. "Just don't shag her," he added in a joking tone but half serious.

Greg stood up carefully, a grimace crossing his face. "I don't think I could right now even if I wanted to. And I don't." He stretched and then groaned, a hand reaching up to cup his forehead as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Fuck me. I'm never letting you talk me into something like this again."

Sirius laughed, his hand lowering to his side with the bottle concealed in its grip. "You seemed to enjoy her at the time," he countered in feigned nonchalance.

Greg shook his head. "Yeah. Well, one time was enough." He studied the wizard for a moment, looking like he was trying to decide if he wanted to say something. "Listen, I'll be up as soon as I make sure she's okay, yeah?"

Sirius nodded and forced another smile. "Sounds good, Zabini." He waited for the wizard to turn away before lifting the small vial to his open mouth and tapping another drop onto his tongue.

"Sirius!"

Sirius turned to see Remus walking towards him without the Ravenclaw by his side, his jaw set and his hazel eyes narrowed as they focused on him. He laughed.

* * *

"Hello, Ladies." Sirius shot a wide smile at a group of sixth-year Ravenclaws standing in front of the Three Broomsticks as he walked out of the pub.

"Hi," one of the witches said back.

Sirius's gaze ran over the witch. "You're cute. Fancy a sh-" His mouth was covered by a hand suddenly as he was pushed roughly away from the group of girls.

"Sorry, he's ill, don't want to catch it," Remus said with an apologetic smile as he continued to guide his friend away from the pub and group of girls and towards the path to the castle.

"Remus!" Sirius shouted when his friend's hand dropped. "What was that for?"

"You're impossible! You know that?" Remus said in an irritated voice. "Does that really work for you? You're cute. Fancy a shag?" He snorted.

Sirius shrugged and wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders. "I don't know. I haven't shagged a witch before."

Remus stopped walking, Sirius stopping beside him. "You haven't?"

Sirius shook his head decidedly. "Nope," he said, popping his lips on the 'p'.

"Why not?"

Sirius laughed. "What kind of question is that, Moony?" He rested his head on his friend's shoulder, his hands wrapping around him. He nuzzled his nose into soft hair. He knew he wasn't supposed to be touching Remus for some reason, but he didn't care to remember why.

"I don't know," the wizard muttered and then, "Stop that." He pushed him back a step and then began to walk again, picking up his pace.

Sirius jogged a few strides to catch up with his friend as they transitioned from cobblestone to dirt. The usually good-natured wizard was scowling as they made their way towards the castle. "I think I like guys more than I do girls," he offered hesitantly.

Remus's features softened somewhat as he glanced over. "Yeah, why's that?"

Sirius smiled wryly. "I think it's just because they're easier to deal with." He laughed, his chest aching somewhat from the action. "Girls are complicated." He felt a lump form in his throat. He was going to have to marry Evie in a few years. Would he be miserable? Would she be miserable with him? He glanced over at his friend.

The werewolf was walking with his hands shoved in his pockets, a slight wind was gently ruffling his locks, the sun shining off the different shades, making the wizard's fingers twitch as he resisted reaching out and touching his hair. He remembered why he wasn't supposed to touch him.

"Listen, Remus. I'm really sorry about your date," he hedged, garnering him a surprised look. "Honestly, I'm feeling some better. I can make it back myself," he said, looking up at the castle, blinking when its sides began to expand slowly, its edges rounding, and then it deflated back to its normal size like it had just taken a deep breath. He cleared his throat. That was... odd.

"You're - feeling - better?" Remus asked slowly, his question delivered in a disbelieving rhythm.

Sirius nodded, the movement of his head copying the ebb and flow of his friend's words. He blinked a few times.

A sandy eyebrow raised. "You're lying to me."

"I never lie," he lied.

The werewolf's lips pushed upward a little.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath, trying to allow his body and mind time to calm down. It didn't help. He opened them back when he started to sway. "Really. I'm good."

Remus shook his head. "No, it's okay. Ian already went off with some of his friends anyway." He laughed softly before continuing, "Plus, James is already in the dorm. He and Peter drank too much. He wouldn't even notice your advances until you were both halfway through with whatever you talked him into."

"You have no faith in me."

"No, I have too much faith in you."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, immediately regretting it when his vision blacked out for a second afterward. He took a small step back to keep his balance. "Are you going to... James's any this summer?" he forced out as the world around him decided to have a little fun with him and tilt on its side. He placed a hand on Remus's shoulder and closed his eyes, his skin suddenly feeling damp under the slight breeze.

Remus glanced over his shoulder at the path behind them before responding, "Yeah, my mum said I could a few days after my transformation, so I'll make it right before it's time to leave for the beach... Sirius - are you feeling okay?"

The dark-haired wizard nodded, the action making his stomach feel unsettled. "Yeah." He cleared his throat, his airways tightening. "Uh, I need to sit down." He began to walk again, trailing off the worn path as he made his way towards the lake, his feet hitting ground too quickly as his head began to spin in earnest. "I don't feel so well, Moony."

"Sirius?"

"I'm fine," Sirius mumbled, and then the ground came up to meet him.

* * *

Sirius breathed in deeply and then wished he hadn't. He groaned. The sharp scent of something very unpleasant had invaded his senses and was trying to take up permanent residence if the growing smell could be relied on. It suddenly disappeared to be replaced by softness and a warm, comforting scent. If only it wasn't so hard to breathe. He heard familiar tones-

"-op that and take this."

Sirius grimaced as fresh air brushed his face again. His throat felt like he had downed a bucket of sand. His stomach rolled at the thought.

"Come on, or I'm taking you to Madam Pomfrey. You're really starting to worry me."

His eyes tried to work as the world around him became more bright and less uniform and wholly too colorful. He blinked a few times, and then everything began to clear. Remus was sitting on the bed he was lying on with a pillow in his lap and a vial of potion in his hand. Sirius waved his hand. "I don't need that."

Remus held out the potion. "Humor me."

Sirius let out a noisy sigh of protest as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He took the vial begrudgingly, held his breath and downed it. "Ugh... What was that?" His stomach tried to push the contents back up through his throat. He held still, willing it to settle.

"A detox potion. It'll help."

Sirius lowered back on the bed, and a pillow landed on his chest.

"Now you can go back to molesting my pillow."

"Greg."

"He's fine, he gave me the potion. Snape made it for him."


	41. Chapter 41

"You should have seen her face!" James exclaimed through excited laughter as he sat on the Hogwarts Express with his three friends, the shiny red engine at its top speed as they raced along the Scottish countryside, hillside rocks and mossy grass but a blur outside the window.

Peter joined in loudly. "Yeah, she was furious!"

"And you were wrong," James said, directing the words at Sirius, who was sitting beside him on the train. "The color didn't clash with her eyes at all. If anything it enhanced them," he added with a dreamy look on his face, Peter shaking his head at Sirius discreetly, clearly disagreeing as he held back a laugh.

Sirius grinned by James's side. "So much for not pranking Evans anymore. Eh, mate?"

James shrugged his shoulders as he pulled his carry bag from under his seat onto his lap. "Being nice was getting me nowhere." He pulled out his deck of chocolate frog cards. "And I don't know what it is about that witch, but she is _really_ hot when she's angry."

"Maybe it's how she shouts your name. _Potter! Oh Potter, you bloody ba-astard!_ " Sirius moaned in his best imitation of the red-head as he leaned over on his friend, his hand rubbing the wizard's cheek.

James let out a loud laugh and shoved his friend back into his own seat. "Stop it you wanker, you're going to bend my _cards_."

"Oh _no_ , not the _cards,_ " he said, gasping in feigned horror, James flipping him off in response. Sirius grinned. He looked over to a quiet Remus, who was sitting between a chuckling Peter and a reading Ian. His skin was noticeably pale, and his hazel eyes were just beginning to droop with a slight, feverish gleam to them. "All right, Moony?" The words slipped from his mouth unthinkingly.

Remus startled, looking at his friend in surprise before clearing his throat. "Yeah, uh, just tired is all," he said quietly and then leaned his head back on the seat, closing his eyes.

Sirius glanced over to James, who quirked his lips to the side but said nothing. Remus's transformation was in three days' time, and he was clearly feeling its affects as the morning progressed. He hadn't looked nearly as bad at the castle. He resisted looking at the reason they couldn't discuss Remus's condition out loud.

The Ravenclaw was proving to be quite attached to the werewolf. He had asked Remus to do something every weekend since the date Sirius had cut short the month before, and they spent many evenings through the week in the library together, but he still didn't know his secret, nor would he any time soon if Remus was to be believed. He had told his friends he didn't want to tell him. Ever.

Sirius frowned. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He chanced a glance up to see the older wizard whispering in his friend's ear, Remus shaking his head to whatever he was saying but smiling softly. He looked away, his jaw clenching as he fought the rush of unwanted emotions he couldn't seem to shake. "Oi, James," he said abruptly, pushing himself up and giving his restless muscles something to do. "Let's go get something from the trolley."

"Yeah, okay," James replied, carefully putting the deck of collector cards back into his bag. He stood up. "You guys want something?" he asked Peter and Remus, the latter shaking his head slowly, eyes still closed.

"Yeah, could you get me three cauldron cakes?" the blond asked with an eager smile.

"Sure. Pay up." James held out his hand.

Sirius watched, tapping fingers on his leg as the short boy slowly stood, trying to keep his balance with the moving train and then began to struggle with his trunk. "I'll get it for you, Pete, don't worry about it," he said quickly and then moved to the door and pushed it open a little too forcefully, walking out and leaning on the opposite wall as he waited for James.

Maybe he should have sat with Greg. He chewed on his thumbnail, trying to calm his thoughts. He really didn't want to care Remus was with someone. He just couldn't figure out how to stop the flood of unpleasant emotions each time they laughed together or touched ...or kissed. He clenched his eyes shut tightly. The kissing was the worst. Unless of course they were doing other things when he wasn't around. Like— _Stop it! Just stop fucking thinking about it!_

James pushed the door open and stepped out, pulling the wizard from his musings abruptly. He waited for the click of the door. "What's the rush?"

Sirius sniffed and glanced around the mostly empty hall in assumed nonchalance. "Just too many people in there."

James nodded slowly, looking like he was considering something. He ran a hand up into his hair and rubbed it back and forth roughly, mussing wild locks more. "Remus looks pretty bad," he said finally.

Sirius grimaced. "Yeah, he does." He pushed off the wall and began to make his way towards the trolley lady at the end of the hall, James beside him.

"I'm feeling lucky today," James whispered, garnering a smirk from the taller wizard.

"Hello boys! What will it be today?" the heavyset witch, Mrs. Penny, asked as she grinned widely at two of her best customers.

"It depends. Are your kisses for sale, Mrs. Penny, because I'd wager they're the sweetest thing here," James said smoothly with a cheeky grin, winking at the elderly woman.

Sirius turned his head to hide his grin at the familiar banter. James had claimed at the beginning of last year that the witch fancied him, and he could get free trolley food if he wanted. Sirius had then informed him he was full of shit and bet him ten galleons that he couldn't accomplish it before they graduated. James had upped it to twenty.

"You are such the _tease_ , Mr Potter. Shame on you," the witch said with a giggle that sounded like it should have come from a witch half her age.

"Only with you, Annie, I just can't help myself when I'm around you," James replied gamely before he began to pick one of everything and then a dozen chocolate frogs, taking the time to tell the witch about his impressive card collection as he paid. Sirius then quickly ordered Peter's cakes and two of Remus's favorite chocolate bars, Honeydukes' Special Dark Edition.

"You're not getting yourself anything?"

Sirius blinked. He looked over to his friend, who was shooting him an odd look. "Oh, yeah. Ah... I'll take a Bertie Bott's too," he said offhandedly, handing the witch a few galleons and telling her to keep the change as he turned away.

"I'm _this_ close," James said after they had put some distance between them and the older witch, holding up his hand, his thumb and index finger almost touching.

"You're delusional, Potter," Sirius laughed, shaking his head in amusement.

"We'll see." James smiled in an unaffected manner. He glanced over at his friend curiously. "You just wanted to get a box of Every Flavour Beans? They're not even that good. You know last time I had one I swear it was shit flavored," he said, pulling a look of disgust. "The wizards who make them are _not_ right."

Sirius shrugged, his mood dipping once more as they neared their door. "Maybe you shouldn't have eaten a brown one... Hey James - give these to Moony for me, will you?" he asked, holding out the two chocolates he had bought for the werewolf out of habit.

James arched an eyebrow. "Why?"

Sirius stopped in front of their door and looked around the filling hallway, curtly nodding at Finnegan, who responded in kind as he passed by them. "I don't want him to feel bad since I bought Pete's too. You know how Remus gets," he lied.

James studied him for a moment longer before sighing and taking the chocolate reluctantly. "Yeah, all right, but if he thinks I've gone sweet on him I'm telling him the truth."

Sirius let out a laugh. "Fair enough. Thanks James," he said, ruffling the wizard's wild hair and then pulling the door open. He tossed Peter his candy as he plopped down into his seat, looking out at the speeding scenery.

"Here Remus. Got this for you," James said loudly in an overly benevolent tone that made Sirius want to kick his friend in the knee.

"You _bought_ me chocolate?" Remus asked slowly as he took the two bars, eyeing them closely as if he thought they had been cursed or possibly something worse.

"Yeah..." James said lamely and then sat down beside Sirius.

Remus carefully opened the wrapper to one, lifting the seemingly benign sweet to his nose and taking a quick sniff. He frowned and then looked up at the messy-haired wizard. "You've never bought me chocolate before..."

James glanced over to Sirius with a questioning look. Sirius held back a glare at the wizard, who was acting like he had never lied convincingly before. "He thought it might make you feel better," he said in a rushed voice.

Remus's sharp gaze shifted to Sirius. "Did he?"

Sirius nodded, clearing his throat as he met the werewolf's knowing gaze unwillingly. "Yeah, he said that you usually like chocolate when you're tired."

Remus broke into a small smile. "I do. Thank you, James," he said as his gaze remained locked on Sirius a second longer before shifting down to his lap, happily breaking off a large piece of the bar.

Sirius looked away and out the window once more, trying to block out Remus and Ian's quiet conversation but still overhearing when Remus gave the wizard a piece of the gifted chocolate. Grey eyes narrowed. He hoped he choked on it.

* * *

"Hey Sirius, can I talk to you for a minute?" Greg asked as he stood a half hour later, holding the door open to the mostly Gryffindor compartment, his gaze flitting around the space. He greeted Sirius's friends.

Sirius stood up quickly. "Yeah, sure Greg," he said, walking straight out of the room and grabbing the wizard's hand as he continued to walk at a fast pace, scanning the doors as he passed. He needed to be as far away as he could get, the mental image of Remus sleeping with his head on the Ravenclaw's shoulder burned in the back of his eyes. He jerked open a bathroom door and pulled the wizard in.

"Sirius, wha-"

"I just want to give you a proper goodbye," he whispered, cutting off the wizard and then meeting his lips, his mouth opening hungrily, searching for something in the other wizard's touch. A feeling. Something to soothe the festering ache in his chest, or even better, rid him of it completely.

"I'm going to miss you," he breathed as he pushed the wizard back against the sink, his lips caressing soft, warm skin as they moved down, a fumbling hand blindly locking the door. "Are you going to miss me?" he asked softly, fingers fiddling with stubborn buttons below the wizard's waist, eliciting a groan and jerky nod from the other wizard. "Tell me, _tell me_ you're going to miss me," he whispered in his ear and then slowly lowered to his knees, his gaze trained solely on wide, chocolate-colored eyes.

"I'll miss you," the wizard gasped out, nodding jerkily - and then his eyelids dropped closed and a blissful groan escaped parted lips as his head fell back, banging against the mirror. " _Yes-s_ ," he hissed, his hands grabbing hold of silky black locks. "So much. I'll miss you _so much, Sirius_."

* * *

Sirius pressed his mouth gently against relaxed lips and then nibbled on the fuller lower lip. "Was that okay?"

Greg let out a breathy laugh. "Better than okay. _Why_ haven't you done that before?"

Sirius laughed, nuzzling against the wizard's cheek as he grinned. "I have to keep you wanting more so I don't lose you to some Slytherin bird," he said in a teasing murmur and then rested his forehead on the wizard's shoulder. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, willing the scent to replace the need for another, his hands sliding languidly over lean muscles.

"You don't have to worry about that at all, Sirius. That's not going to happen," Greg said quietly, his voice nervous and his sentence sounding unfinished somehow.

Sirius froze. _No. Please—_ " _No_?" he asked in feigned surprise, a sudden anxiety taking him over. Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe he wasn't about to say what he thought. But what if he was? The urge to shove the door open and run for it slammed into him hard. He forced himself to stay still.

The Slytherin remained quiet for a painfully long moment and then responded in a slightly off tone, "No, I mean - Slytherin witches do not give _nearly_ as good head. Who would have thought Gryffindor wizards could be so talented at sucking Slytherin cock?"

Sirius laughed softly into Greg's shirt. "Who _indeed_ ," he retorted, wrapping his arms around the Slytherin tightly before lifting his chin only to rub his face into the wizard's ticklish neck, eliciting bubbling laughter from him as he struggled to escape. He stopped after hearing what sounded like an apology and then placed a quick kiss on the wizard's lips, smiling as relaxation settled over him once more. "I really do like you, Greg."

* * *

"Bye Petey!" two voices said in unison.

"Bye guys!" Peter said, waving over his shoulder as he walked off with his mother.

Sirius and James turned and began to make their way down the crowded station towards James's usual meeting spot, a Potter elf floating their trunks behind them. Sirius felt suddenly lighter with a full month at his friend's ahead of him.

"So... looks like we've got a whole week without Mother Lupin," James said casually with a wide grin.

Sirius returned the sentiment. If the wizard thought Remus would be a hindrance with whatever he had in mind, it must be really good. He wrapped a conspiratorial arm around his best friend's shoulders, the two boys grinning cheekily at a group of seventh-year Slytherin witches as they passed. "What did you have in mind, mate?"

"Marauding and debauchery, of course."


	42. Chapter 42

"Thanks. Night, Mum," James said, giving his mother a kiss on the cheek as he held the tray of sandwiches she had just brought up in his hand, the wizard dressed in red gym shorts and a white t-shirt for bed.

"Yes, thank you, Aunt Dorea," Sirius said politely from his sitting place on James's bed.

"You're very welcome," the witch said with a warm smile, "You two behave yourselves tonight, Charlus and I will be out late at a dinner."

The two young wizards nodded obediently.

"All right then, night boys," she said and pulled the door shut with a soft click.

James began to make his way over to the bed, picking up a halved sandwich as he walked and taking a large bite. "So, once they're gone, we'll leave," he said around the food in his mouth, setting the tray down and plopping onto the bed beside his friend.

Sirius grinned and picked up a sandwich. "You sure we won't get caught coming back in? The floo is in the room next to theirs."

James shrugged his shoulders. "If we do, we'll just lie, say we were outside getting some fresh morning air, you know, wanted to exercise or some shit like that." He shoved the rest of the turkey sandwich into his mouth and grabbed another before pulling out the pack of cigarettes hidden under his pillow. He opened them up, his eyebrows furrowing as he counted them.

Sirius frowned. "I don't know if I really feel comfortable lying to them," he admitted, feeling ashamed for some reason.

James pushed himself upright. "What do you mean, you don't feel _comfortable lying to them_? You lie _all_ the time."

Sirius's gaze flicked down, and he studied the food in his hand. "Yeah, I know. But, your parents are so...so _nice_."

James nodded. "Yeah, that's why it works so well. Listen - if we get caught, I'll handle the explanation. All right?"

Sirius sighed and took a bite of his sandwich. "Yeah, all right. So what're we going to do?" he asked, feeling slightly better.

James grinned widely. "We're going to muggle London, of course."

Sirius stiffened. " _What_?"

The messy-haired wizard laughed boisterously. "Muggle London. We're going to mingle with the _muggles_." James pushed himself up and walked over to his tall wardrobe, pulling the doors open. "They're such a lively bunch, you're going to love them," he said over his shoulder as he began to search through his clothes. He grabbed out a pair of light jeans, stepping out of his shorts and pulling them on quickly.

Sirius thought back to his house and the drapes in his mother's sitting room. "What are we going to do to them?" he asked hesitantly.

James turned around with a black shirt and pair of dark jeans in his hand. He shot him an uncomprehending look. "I don't _know_. Talk to them, drink with them - maybe snog a few?" he said, wiggling his eyebrows on the last suggestion and then tossed the outfit over to him. "Put that on."

Sirius's eyes widened as he ignored the clothes in his lap. "Why would we want to do _that_? They're _muggles_!"

James let out a loud laugh and turned back to his wardrobe, grabbing a nicer top. "Sometimes I forget how sheltered your life is Sirius." He began to walk back over as he pulled a dark grey t-shirt over his head, just missing an errant pair of shoes in the middle of the room. He stopped, smoothed his shirt down and patted his friend on the shoulder. "Trust me. This'll be loads of fun."

* * *

Sirius walked, grey eyes wide as he followed closely beside James with a closed off expression under the London street lights, the dark sky above hard to make out. A witch—no, a girl—smiled shyly at him as she passed. He looked away quickly. Had she been _flirting_ with him? A feeling of indignation rose in his chest. "James, a muggle just smiled at me," he hissed into his friend's ear.

James let out a barking laugh. "Oh yeah?" he looked over his shoulder, scanning the crowd for the culprit. "Was she fit?"

Sirius blinked. "I don't know. I suppose so..."

James grinned and continued to walk. "It's a good thing we came here tonight. I really do worry about you, mate."

Sirius puffed out his chest. "There's _nothing_ wrong with me." He glanced over at the road where the muggle contraptions called automobiles flew by with blinding lights either without any notice at all or with an alarmingly loud noise blaring. _Horns_ , he amended in his head. He should have paid more attention when his friends discussed Muggle Studies.

James turned a corner and lifted his hand, stopping suddenly, his arm automatically shooting out to keep Sirius from walking into the road.

"What are you doing?"

James nodded as a yellow car began to slow. "Getting a ride, we're still quite a ways from where we need to be." He pulled open the door as soon as it stopped and climbed in.

Sirius stood on the curb.

"Come on, Sirius, get your arse in here!"

Sirius looked around at the crowd of muggles and then at the auto in which James was sitting. " _Bollocks_." He climbed in.

"Hello, mate, we'd like to go to a pub. One with a dance floor," James said, casually pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. He blew the smoke out the window.

The old man looked over his shoulder, his gaze shifting between the two young wizards. "Aren't you two a little young to drink?"

James laughed as if the man had told a hilarious joke. Sirius frowned. Who was this muggle to question what they were doing? He reached for his wand. James grabbed his hand and shook his head, shooting him a severe look before turning his attention back to the driver.

"We're on break and just want to have a little fun is all. We're not the troublesome sort," he said, reaching up and offering the man a few bills. "Maybe you could be of help?"

The man counted the money much to Sirius's surprise and then pulled out into traffic with a lurch. "Well, I suppose I do know of a place that serves your _sort_ , but you'd be best to keep your head down and not attract too much attention if you want to stay." His dark eyes looked into the mirror as he studied the boys through it harshly.

James grinned widely at the man in the mirror. "We'll do our best."

* * *

Music pulsed through the pub that looked more like a warehouse with its unfinished walls and exposed pipes. Sirius kept his arms close to his sides and his gaze straight ahead as muggles moved around the dimly lit bar not seeming to care if they touched everyone in the whole pub.

"Come on, let's get a drink at the bar!" James yelled over the loud beat and then wiggled his fingers in greeting to a few girls at a table to the right of them.

Sirius's eye widened when James switched paths abruptly and began to make his way over to them. He followed behind him, clenching his jaw. What was he doing?

"Hello, Ladies," James said with a huge grin, his dimples on full display and his glasses gone thanks to a charm his mother had put on his eyes that evening.

"Hullo there," the girl in the middle greeted him back. "You two need a seat?" she asked, motioning to two empty chairs across from them.

"Yeah, _sure_. Thanks." James sat down quickly, patting the chair beside him. Sirius held back a sigh and sat down, the movement wooden.

"I'm Lillian, and this is Sarah and Kara," the brunette in the middle said genially, motioning to the blondes on either side of her.

"Hello, _Lillian_." The wild-haired wizard grinned, addressing her before greeting her friends with oddly similar names. "I'm James and this is Sirius."

The girl nodded slowly. "What's firewhiskey?"

James looked over to his shirt Sirius was wearing, when the wizard didn't respond, having looked away as if he hadn't registered the question. "It's code for liquor."

The brunette laughed. "I like it." She eyed Sirius closely. "Does your friend not talk?"

James nodded quickly. "Oh no, he does. He's just being shy," he said and then motioned for a server, ordering them a drink and then letting the three girls order on his tab.

Sirius sat quietly. What was he doing here? What had he been thinking? He was sitting at a table with a group of muggle girls. If his father found out he had interacted with them he would—he shivered—well, he didn't want to think about it. He swallowed hard, trying to push back the panic trying to wrap around his lungs and looked down at his hands. He would just keep to himself, James could entertain the witches- _Girls_ , he reminded himself forcefully. He didn't have to interact with them.

The drinks came a few minutes later, and he began to sip his, keeping his gaze down and away from the muggles all around him.

* * *

"And so I knee'd the bloke in the bollocks!" the girl exclaimed.

Sirius laughed silently as he started on his third drink. The muggle named Lillian was quite funny. She almost reminded him of Evans except she didn't hate them. He chanced a glance up to see James had moved to the seat beside her, her two friends gone. His friend was smiling at the girl, and she was smiling back. He grinned. He wondered if James even noticed the similarities.

"You're feisty, I'm going to call you Lily," the wizard countered, earning him a bigger smile.

"Lily...I like that."

"Yeah, have you ever thought of coloring your hair red? I bet it would look _great_ with your green eyes."

Sirius took another sip to hide his amusement. He had noticed.

"So, Sirius, feeling a little less of a git now?" the girl asked with a cheeky grin.

"Some, but I think I might need a few more before I can be civil," he responded glibly, mirroring her expression before realizing what he was doing. Sirius blinked. _Shit_. The girl laughed and James grinned at him, clearly pleased with his response. He took another drink. _What the hell._

"I told my friends you'd loosen up, but they didn't believe me," the girl drawled.

"It's probably better, Sirius prefers blokes."

Sirius's eyes narrowed, and he shot his eager friend a harsh look. "I like girls too, they just - tend to be a bit clingy is all."

The brunette eyed him curiously. "No shit? I guess I can see that, I mean, you're a handsome bloke. But— _Oh_!" The girl started clapping, her green eyes lighting up with obvious excitement. "Oh, this is bloody perfect! Stay _right here_!" She jumped up, calling over her shoulder: "Don't go anywhere!"

James watched her walk away with a huge smile plastered firmly on his face and then moved closer to his friend when she'd disappeared from sight, taking the seat beside him. "What a nice arse, eh? I think I'm in love."

Sirius grinned and took another drink. "She reminds me of someone..." He tapped his chin in feigned bemusement.

James laughed and shoved his friend. "Oh, come off it." He leaned over the table and grabbed his forgotten drink. "So, you're not having a good time?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. It's kind of weird, I mean, they're so - _normal_."

" _Yeah_ , what'd you expect?" James laughed.

Sirius shook his head, not wanting to answer the question. Animals. Filth. He knew he should have known better than to listen to his parents. After all, they had been very wrong about halfbloods and muggleborns. "Just not like this," he hedged. "They're not so bad."

James's hand settled on his friend's shoulder. "Not bad at all. In fact - it looks like Lillian has found some company for you. And _look_ who it _is_."

Sirius glanced up apprehensively to meet gorgeous, hazel eyes under a sandy blond mop of hair. He blinked.

"This is my cousin, Remus."

Sirius blinked again. He had to be hallucinating. What had they put in his drink? He looked down at it.

"Remus!" James shouted happily, jumping up from his seat.

"James, what are you two _doing_ here?"

Sirius looked back up to see Remus glancing over at him with an unreadable expression as James stood with a sloppy grin, his arm dangling around their friend.

"Mingling with the _locals_ ," James said with a secretive wink.

Remus grinned begrudgingly at the messy-haired wizard and then looked to him. "Hey Sirius."

He took another drink. "Hey Moony, fancy seeing you here," he said somewhat dryly and took another sip. He probably had Diggory hiding somewhere. His eyes narrowed.

"You know each other?" the girl exclaimed.

Remus nodded, running a hand up into his tidy hair and messing it somewhat. "We go to school together - they're my dormmates."

"Yeah we are, and have been since we were eleven," James chipped in cheerfully, pulling Remus closer in a half guy-hug of sorts. "We're best mates!"

The girl looked between the three wizards and then her gaze settled on Sirius. She broke into a slow smile. " _I see_... Well - you _have_ to join us now, Cousin. No more reading in the corner for you." She pushed the wizard down in the seat beside Sirius, smiling sweetly at Remus when he shot her a dark look.

Sirius waved their server over. He needed another drink. He looked over to his friend. "Remus?"

The werewolf nodded. "Yeah, I'll take a double."

The two wizards sat in uncomfortable silence amidst the loud music as James and Lillian proceeded to whisper-talk to each other on the other side of the table, laugh and then glance over at them before doing it all over again.

Sirius held back a groan and took another drink. The night would be over soon enough.

* * *

Sirius laughed hard as he leaned against the werewolf, the two sitting on tall barstools further back in the bar as James and Remus's cousin danced to an upbeat song. "And then one _smiled_ at me! Can you imagine?"

Remus snickered into his drink. "Believe it or not, I can. You're an odd one, Sirius Black."

Sirius smiled. "I think I'm getting used to them though, or maybe it's just this," he said as he held up the martini-style glass that was filled with a pink drink.

"That's a girl drink you know," Remus retorted glibly.

Sirius nodded knowingly. "I do. The bartender said that I was so pretty I could pull it off." He took another sip. "And it tastes like candy floss."

"Which one said that?" Remus asked, eyeing the three bar workers with renewed interest. Sirius pointed to a leggy, black-haired girl, who looked to be a couple years older than them with a tattoo sleeve running up her left arm. Her chest was on full display in a tube top she was wearing that also showed a piercing in her belly button.

He leaned close to his friend's ear. "You know she has a tongue piercing, and she told me she had another piercing somewhere else and had me guess where it was," he said with a grin. "And I guessed _right_ ," he said, his voice husky as he tried to picture it as he watched her walk. She didn't seem like the clingy sort.

"What? Sirius, she's _hitting_ on you!" Remus exclaimed, his posture stiffening.

Sirius laughed. "I _know_! Who would have thought? Sirius Black - muggle magnet." He grinned proudly.

"I think anyone would have," Remus muttered into his drink.

Sirius frowned and scooted closer to his friend. "Something bothering you, Moony?"

The werewolf shrugged. Tapping his glass to be refilled. "Full tomorrow," he said in a monotone voice.

Sirius looked around them quickly. "Yeah, it is. _Why_ didn't you stay home?"

Remus glanced over at the girl dancing with James rather closely, frowning slightly. "Lillian begged me to come out with her. She's only here for two more days and then is leaving with her friends to backpack through the countryside. And, I couldn't do it tomorrow or the next."

"What'll it be?" the pierced girl asked Remus with a grin as she stopped in front of them.

"Same, thank you," he replied coolly.

The girl eyed him for a second and then nodded curtly. She looked over to Sirius. "And you, my lovely?" she asked, smiling once more.

Sirius grinned gamely. "Still good."

She leaned over the bar slightly, giving the wizard a more clear view of her chest. "Well just let me know if you change your mind."

Sirius nodded slightly, his gaze trailing over the girl's exposed skin. "I _will_." He watched the girl walk away as he adjusted himself discreetly. Not the clingy sort at all.

"She's a bit old for you."

Sirius blinked. "What?"

"The _bartender_. She's at least seventeen, _Sirius_."

"I'll be sixteen in a few months."

"What about Zabini?"

Sirius looked over at his friend. "What about him? I haven't even done anything, Remus. What's wrong with you?" He studied his friend for a moment and then took a drink before adding, "And, you're one to talk - Diggory is two years older than _you_."

"Yeah, well _Ian_ is nice," he retorted.

Sirius balked at the sharp tone. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus sighed and ran a hand up into his hair, his anger visibly deflating. "I don't know, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have come out tonight. It was a mistake." He took the drink from the bartender and forced a smile, thanking her politely.

"You know... I _just_ realized something," Sirius said with an impish grin.

The werewolf glanced over somewhat warily. "What's that?"

"You came over to _meet_ me, didn't you?" He let out a barking laugh when his friend merely shrugged his shoulders and then took a large drink. "What _exactly_ did your cousin say to get you to leave your book to meet a supposed stranger in a pub?"

"She just said that 'God's gift to women' was sitting at her table but preferred blokes and then drug me over," he said with a wry grin.

Sirius laughed. "Your cousin is rather likable for a muggle. Sorry she was wrong." He lifted his glass.

Remus looked over to the wizard. "I never said she was wrong."

Sirius's hand froze with his drink halfway to his mouth. _What_? He forced the cup to continue on its path to his lips and took a casual drink, taking extra care not to choke on the sugary liquid as he glanced over at his friend with an air of feigned nonchalance. " _Oh_?"

Remus nodded and looked around the room as he spoke, "Yeah, I'd say she was about right."

Sirius blinked. Something began to grow in his chest, making it hard to breathe. Remus had just said he was...He looked down at his glass and cleared his throat. "I'd have to disagree with you on that."

Remus let out a surprised laugh. "Oh yeah?"

Sirius nodded quickly. "Yeah, definitely."

Remus took a large drink, finishing his new glass as Sirius continued to nurse the same one, motioning for another.

"Then who would you say?" he asked finally in a begrudging tone as he began to sip on his new drink.

Sirius eyed his friend carefully. "You of course."

Remus spit the contents of his mouth onto the bar's wooden top and then began to cough. Sirius handed him a napkin, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

The werewolf wiped at his face and then began to laugh. "You're _wrong_ ," he said, shaking his head insistently.

Sirius stood up. "I'm never wrong, Remus." He held out his hand. "Let's dance."

Remus looked down at the proffered hand and then back up, meeting his gaze, hazel eyes already showing the affects of the alcohol he had downed. His hand slipped into Sirius's. "All right," he said.


	43. Chapter 43

"Sirius, you're a _bloody_ good dancer," Remus slurred.

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, and you're absolutely bollocks, Moony," he teased. The wizard's movements were somewhat quirky and completely Remus and made him want to snog him right on the dance floor or maybe shag in the bathroom. _Behave_ , he reminded himself.

He watched as the werewolf moved closer on the crowded dance floor, or maybe that had been him. It was hard to tell as he found himself getting lost in increasingly dark, hazel eyes that were filling with a familiar emotion, trying to drown him in it. Lust. No. No, it was _need_.

Sirius swallowed hard and shook the thought from his mind, looking away. Maybe he was imagining it. Yes - he was imagining it. He was drunk, and Remus was clearly worse off than him, there were people brushing up against him from every angle, and the songs they were dancing to weren't helping either. They were all about three things: alcohol, drugs and sex.

_Lots_ of sex. Sirius smiled at that. Muggle music. He liked it. "What is this song?" he asked loudly as a new song with a funky beat began to play.

"Get Down Tonight," Remus responded as he wrapped his arms around his neck, apparently having decided to slow dance to the faster-paced song.

"Ah-h," Sirius breathed out, trying in vain to ignore all the places their bodies were suddenly touching as Remus began to lean against him for support. "Feeling okay there, Moony?" he whispered in his friend's ear as the music pulsed around them, colored lights dancing to its suggestive beat.

The werewolf nodded slowly as he rested his face in the crook of his neck. "Yeah, just-just a little dizzy." He pulled him closer, almost like he was hugging him. "You look good in James's clothes."

Sirius grinned impishly at his drunken friend's words. "Is that your way of saying you don't like my regular clothes?"

Remus shook his head as he lifted it and then leaned his cheek against Sirius's. "No, those look good on you too. Especially when your tie is loosed and your shirt is untucked. It makes you look ravaged."

Grey eyes widened and then Remus's entire front pressed up against his right after the lyrics 'make a little love'. His breath caught in his throat, and he carefully placed his hands on the werewolf's hips and guided him back a little to put more space between their lower body parts. "I think you've had too much to drink. You're delusional," he tried to joke as he fought the impulse to pull him back closer. _Remus doesn't actually want this. He's just really pissed_ , he insisted to his eager body.

Remus shook his head. "No, I always think you look good."

Sirius swallowed hard. " _Always_?" he asked, his voice sounding pained as he fought to control himself.

" _Always_." Remus nodded and then leaned in and began to nuzzle his ear as he scooted closer again, Sirius's hands no longer able to hold him back but instead grasping his hips firmly and following along with the movement. "Especially late at night or right after a shower."

Sirius bit his lip, not quite holding back a groan when Remus rubbed fully against him again. "Yeah? And - and why's that, Remus?" he forced out, despite guessing the answer. He really wanted to hear it.

Remus laughed softly and then whispered, his breath sending chills of excitement down Sirius's back, "Because you have less clothes on then."

" _Fuck_ Remus." Sirius scrambled to gather his scattered thoughts. What were they again? He knew that they were important. Or that they were supposed to be at least.

"Sirius?" Remus whispered, his lips brushing the wizard's ear as he spoke, jerking the taller wizard from his musings and seemingly obliviating them with just the sound of his name rolling off his tongue.

"Y-yeah, Remus?" he said in almost a gasp, ready to agree with anything.

"I think - I think I'm going to be sick."

* * *

Sirius pulled out his wand and locked the bathroom door, Remus groaning behind him. He walked over quietly and sat down on the cold cement floor beside the wizard as he began to heave in earnest with the muted sounds of music and cheering thumping against the walls and leaking under the door. He looked away as the werewolf emptied his stomach into the porcelain bowl several times over.

"Ohh... _Fuck me_." Remus groaned as he finally laid his head on the seat, his arms hugging the toilet.

Sirius quirked a smile, glad he'd scrubbed the area with a quick charm first. "I would, but I'm not sure you'd be up to it."

Remus laughed softly. "Arse." He groaned again and closed his eyes. "Why did I drink so much? I feel like _shit_."

Sirius leaned his head back against the paint-chipped and graffiti-covered, metal wall as he studied the other one. He wondered idly if the Lillian written about on it was the same as Remus's cousin. Not so good for Remus, but James would probably be pleased. "I don't know," he said finally in a quiet voice.

Remus pushed himself into a sitting position, an expected groan falling from his lips as he leaned against the opposite stall wall, mirroring Sirius's position. "I should have brought my wand."

Sirius pulled his own back out and held it out.

The werewolf stared at it as if he had never seen it before and then shifted his gaze to Sirius. "You'd let me use your _wand_?"

Sirius's eyebrows pushed down. He had never let anyone use it. Why was he offering it? He shook the thought away immediately. "Of course I would, Remus. Take it." He pushed the wand in his friend's hand when he merely continued to stare.

The werewolf twisted it between his fingers slowly as he eyed the black wand carefully. "It _seems_ receptive," he said hesitantly.

Sirius nodded. He wasn't surprised. "Try something simple if you're worried."

" _Lumos_." The tip lit up brightly at first and then dimmed to a soft glow. Remus smiled. He looked over at Sirius. "It's very sensitive."

Sirius nodded again. "Yeah, it doesn't take much." He watched as the wizard studied the wand with a soft touch, his fingers sliding down its entire length in almost a caress. He grinned. "I like it when you touch my wand, Remus," he said slyly.

Remus let out a laugh. "You're depraved."

Sirius's grin widened. "You have that effect on me."

"Sirius, a piece of toast could have that effect on you." The werewolf shook his head and then stopped suddenly, cursing under his breath. "Okay, wish me luck. I might fry my brains."

The dark-haired wizard grinned. "Luck."

Remus started to shake his head but seemed to think better of it, shooting him a look of reproach instead. "You'll regret it if those are your last words to me."

Sirius laughed. "All right. What do you suggest then? A proclamation of sorts?"

Remus nodded solemnly. "That would do."

Sirius held back a grin as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. His eyes lit up, and he sat more upright. "All right. I've got it... If I was a witch—Remus Lupin—I would have your babies."

Remus's mouth dropped open. " _What_?" He stared at him blankly.

Sirius rolled his eyes and leaned back against the stall. "It's called a _joke_ , Remus. I know you don't fancy witches. Just do it already. You'll be fine."

The sandy blond continued to stare at him. "But if I was... you... I mean - Sirius, I'm a _werewolf_ , and I'm not - not a pureblood. Not even close."

Sirius shrugged. "Yeah, so? Can you imagine how cute they'd be with your eyes and my hair, all running around in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black?" He laughed as he pictured it. "And they'd be bloody geniuses of course, and they could be friends with James's-" His sentence was suddenly cut off, the rest mumbled incoherently into Remus's hand.

"Shut up."

Sirius's eyebrows pushed together, but he nodded slowly.

Remus's hand remained there for another long moment as if to make sure he wasn't lying before slowly falling. "Don't say things like that, Sirius. It's _not_ funny. At all."

Sirius smoothed down his hair, rejection seeping into his chest. _Don't be thick. You were just being stupid. Who cares?_ He held back a frown as the feeling stubbornly persisted for some reason. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

Remus opened his mouth and then closed it. He took in a deep breath and then lifted the wand, pointing it at his chest and waved it and then again at his face. He sat for a second and then let out a sigh. "That's better." He pushed himself up off the floor, Sirius doing the same. He handed the wand back.

"Was one of those a sobering charm?" Sirius asked hesitantly, avoiding eye contact, his gaze drifting around the run-down washroom.

"No." Remus hiccuped. "Cleaning and stomach-settling spells. Madam Pomfrey taught them to me last year."

Sirius nodded as he chewed on the inside of his lip. "Right."

"Sirius, I.. I'm sorry I snapped at you," Remus said quietly.

He shrugged. "It's fine, Remus." He began to walk for the door. He needed a few more drinks. A hand grabbed his arm before he could reach the handle.

"No - no, it's not."

Sirius looked over at his friend, the sandy-blond staring pointedly at the cement floor.

Remus took in a deep breath. " _Sirius_..."

The dark-haired wizard furrowed his eyebrows, suspicion niggling at his thoughts. "Yeah Remus?"

"If, if you were a witch," he paused, letting out an incredulous laugh and shook his head before adding in a more subdued tone, "Then I'd let you have my babies."

Sirius's gaze narrowed accusingly at his friend. "You're just _saying_ that."

Remus shook his head forcefully and looked up, determined hazel meeting his gaze. "No. I'm really not."

He took a step closer, eyeing him carefully. "How many are we talking about here?"

Remus thought for a moment and then said firmly, "Two." Sirius frowned. "Or maybe three?" he hedged and then added quickly, "but no more than four."

"Four would do," Sirius said as he nodded slowly, resisting the smile that suddenly wanted to overtake his features and out him as the stupid fool he was. "And James could be their godfather?" he asked in an even tone, his eyebrows lifting questioningly.

Remus nodded. "I couldn't think of a better choice."

The two wizards eyed each other seriously for another moment and then a snicker escaped one of their lips followed by an answering grin until they were both laughing, Sirius wrapping his arm around Remus's shoulder, guiding him towards the door. "James would be floored with the news."

Remus grinned. "He most definitely would."

Sirius smiled widely at the grinning werewolf. "Well, now that that's settled, I do believe this calls for a toast."

Remus groaned. "No, no more drinking. I've got a better idea," he said, pushing the door open with Sirius's arm still firmly around him.

* * *

"Is this what you used to do growing up?" Sirius asked as he sat on a swing beside Remus in a park a few blocks away from the pub. The sky was just beginning to brighten as the sunrise approached, the horizon taking on a telling orange hue.

Remus nodded slightly, a nostalgic smile playing at his lips for only a beat before disappearing. "Sometimes - when there was a park nearby at least... We moved a lot before I started school because of my.. _lycanthropy_. My dad always worried someone would figure it out," he said quietly as he stared straight ahead, studying the changing sky.

Sirius glanced over at his friend. "Does he know that we know? James and Peter and I?"

" _No_." Remus shook his head forcefully. He sat quietly for a moment and then cleared his throat. "So, earlier... Why... Why my eyes?"

"Your eyes?" Sirius asked in surprise. He looked down and thought over the unexpected question, watching as he scuffed his trainers in the dirt below where the grass had been rubbed away. "Well, mostly I suppose because my hair is too bloody gorgeous not to pass on."

Remus laughed by his side. "Git."

Sirius grinned. "No, I'm just teasing..." He looked up. "Do you _really_ want to know?" he asked, carefully eyeing the werewolf, who didn't respond at first but then nodded ever so slightly in response. He leaned in and studied the hazel objects of discussion before saying simply, "Because I love them."

Remus blinked and then nodded jerkily. "Oh, uh..." He looked down quickly. "G-good to know."

Sirius bit on his lip as he fought to hold back a smile. He looked over to James and lost the battle. The wizard and Remus's cousin were snogging in the grass on a nearby hill, the girl straddling a reclined and very pleased-looking James.

"What's... Greg doing right now?"

Sirius shrugged, his smile dropping. "I'm not sure." He looked over at the werewolf. "Diggory?"

Remus looked down at his hands. "He's visiting family for the next two weeks."

Sirius nodded, ignoring the familiar pang in his chest. "You two write?"

"Yeah. Why don't you and Greg?"

Sirius thought for a moment. "I don't know." He looked over at the wizard's dangling hand and took it without thinking, lacing their fingers together.

" _Sirius_..." Remus said in a wary tone as he eyed their hands but didn't try to pull away.

The wizard raised his eyebrows in innocence when the werewolf looked up at him. "What? I just want to try something." He pushed away from the ground beneath him with his feet and pulled the werewolf along as he began to swing forward, Remus's seat dragging the sandy-blond reluctantly behind and then pulling Sirius back and bumping them into each other only to send them in different directions, trying to pull them apart. "Come on, you lazy arse. We have to do it together, or it won't work," he said as he tightened his grip on his friend's hand, not willing to let go.

Remus laughed, his hand tightening in response to Sirius's, and pushed with his own feet almost in sync the next time, and completely the next as they began to swing back and forth more straight.

Sirius smiled as the cool, almost morning air rushed past his face and through his hair, Remus's hand snugly in his. They continued to push until their chains began to jerk as they hit too high. He looked out at the large expanse of grass and then over at the grinning sandy blond. "Want to jump with me?"

Remus's eyes widened. "Like this? Are you mental?"

Sirius just grinned as they swung back and then began to climb again. "Yes or no?"

Remus nodded as they began to dip back down.

"Okay. At the top," Sirius said, and they both kicked extra hard and then began to shoot back up. " _Now_!"

The two wizards let go and jumped, still holding hands. Sirius felt as if they were floating for a moment, and then they began to fall to the ground too quickly. Sirius's legs bent as his feet hit the ground hard, absorbing some of the shock. He stumbled forward a few steps and then suddenly felt himself falling to the ground once more as Remus pulled him down with a yelp followed by two sets of groans.

"Sorry. Tripped on a rock."

Sirius let out a whisper of a laugh as he looked down at the wizard, who he was lying on top of, their hands still clasped. He peered at the sandy-blond through disheveled black hair, his mind drawing a blank as he breathed a little too fast, feeling the rise and fall of the werewolf's chest under him doing the same. "Are you okay?"

Remus nodded and then began to laugh softly.

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. I guess that was a bad idea," he said as he began to run his thumb unthinkingly along the wizard's, their hands resting together in the dew-covered grass.

"No, no it was fun," Remus said, his voice sounding slightly rough as he looked up at him with soft eyes.

Sirius swallowed. Small puffs of air passed between his lips as his breathing refused to slow, instead picking up speed as it tried desperately to keep up with the blood racing through his veins. He wanted to kiss him so much. His tongue darted out and wet his lips as he held back. "So, are you saying you want to do it again then?" he asked, the joking words coming out husky as his gaze slowly shifted down, landing on his friend's mouth.

"Not in the least," Remus said in almost a whisper and then looked down at their touching chests. "You're uh, you're still on top of me."

Sirius blinked a few times. "Oh. Right - right. _Sorry_." He let out a deep breath and then released Remus's hand reluctantly.

He started to push up on his knees when he heard whispered words sounding a lot like 'fuck it', and hands grasped the sides of his neck, pulling him back down - and their lips crashed together.


	44. Chapter 44

Grey eyes fell shut, and lips parted eagerly. A rushing surge of excitement shot through Sirius when Remus's mouth opened in response, and then hands began to run down his sides before finding their way under his shirt, warm fingertips sliding up over his stomach and chest. Sirius moaned, his friend's touch leaving trails of want behind as it moved away to caress new skin.

" _Remus_ ," he whispered fervently as he pressed urgent kisses down the wizard's neck, "Remus, I want you _so_ much."

The werewolf groaned, shaking his head. "No, no we _can't, we_ should stop _,_ " he gasped just before pulling the wizard back up to meet his mouth again, their tongues touching even before their lips met. He growled, grabbing the wizard's hand when it began to fumble with the buttons on his slacks. "Fuck Sirius."

"What? I won't do anything you don't want, I just want to get you off like before," Sirius murmured the words against the wizard's lips. He just wanted to touch him, to hear the wizard moan his name, to want him—to need him—like he needed him.

He pulled out his wand and cast a disillusionment charm around them as he shot a quick glance over to James, who appeared even busier with the green-eyed girl. He leaned back down. "I'll make it _really_ good for you, I promise," he whispered and then his lips were moving against his again, fingers working persistently at the werewolf's stubborn slacks.

"Shit," Remus gasped. He pulled his mouth away, but his hands continued to run over the wizard's body and were growing increasingly interested in Sirius's slacks' line if their trail along the skin bordering it was any indicator.

"I love it when you touch me," Sirius breathed out the words as he moved down to the wizard's neck again, his lips greedy for the feel and taste of the enticing skin. Remus cursed harshly when Sirius's hand finally succeeded in its task. He pulled away. "Wh-what's wrong?" he asked breathily, holding back as the werewolf tugged on him, trying to pull him back down.

Remus shook his head. "It's nothing. I just. I just can't think right now. But, it's okay. It-it doesn't matter."

Sirius froze at the wizard's last words. He pulled back more and looked down at the wizard in concern. His eyes were swimming with darkness, his chest heaving and face flushed, and he looked... unhappy. _Shit_. "We don't have to do this," he said, his hand moving away.

Remus shook his head. "No. No, I know. I just..." He closed his eyes tightly and then said in a strained voice, "It's just... I'm with _Ian_."

Sirius felt his blood run cold. He pushed off the wizard and moved onto the grass beside him. "Sorry," he heard himself mumble. He should have known better. He ran a hand roughly through raven locks.

Remus sat up slowly, buttoning his slacks. He finally spoke up. "No, _I'm_ sorry. This was all my fault. It's just extra hard to be around you - what with the full being so close."

Sirius began to nod in understanding but then stopped. His gaze shifted over to the sandy-blond. _What_? "What do you mean, it's hard to be around _me_?" he asked slowly.

"I meant anyone," Remus said quickly.

Sirius frowned as he watched the werewolf fidget. His gaze narrowed. He was lying. "No you didn't, tell me what you meant."

Remus shrugged and looked down at his hands, not responding.

"Tell me."

The werewolf sighed, not meeting his gaze. "It's just. My. My wolf seems to like you for some reason," he said softly.

Sirius looked up. "Your _wolf_?"

Remus nodded, looking uncomfortable. "Yeah, it's just a thing werewolves have to deal with. Sometimes the wolf tries to form a pack—of sorts—if it doesn't meet one when it's transformed... It seems to really like you in particular," he said the last sentence hesitantly.

Sirius shifted closer. "You mean like... your wolf _wants_ me?"

" _No_. No, not like that." Remus paused and looked around, letting out a deep breath. "It just gets attached to certain _company_ , and being around those people helps soothe it is all. And, I get.. I just get confused sometimes when I'm around you, because you're...you're always just so. So..."

"Irresistible?" he suggested playfully, despite the growing tension in his chest.

Remus laughed. "I was going to say horny actually."

Sirius flashed a wry grin. "Ah. Close enough." So Remus didn't want to be with him. He let out a slow breath. He _really_ should have known. "Sorry."

"No, don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. I was the one who kissed you, and I was hitting on you quite aggressively at the pub."

"You were," Sirius said, forcing a cheeky grin, trying to hide his frustration and confusion, "I can't say I minded though."

The werewolf smiled slightly, the expression looking more like a grimace. "I'm sorry. I know you promised Greg-"

"Don't worry about Greg," Sirius said quickly with a shake of his head, "it'll be fine." He looked over to James, who was lying beside Remus's cousin, smiling at her. "I think James likes your cousin," he said in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner.

"Yeah." Remus nodded. "You know, I heard him call her Lily on the way over here?"

Sirius feigned a look of shock. " _No_ , James wouldn't do that."

Remus laughed. "The hell he wouldn't." He glanced over at his friend, and then his gaze shifted to his cousin. "She asked me to live with her when I finish Hogwarts, I'm thinking I might leave school after sixth year."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. "But she's a _muggle_." Remus gave him a sharp look, and he quickly added, "I just mean - she doesn't know about _us_ , how would that work? And why would you leave before seventh, what about a job?"

Remus looked down at the ground. "Well, I was planning on getting a muggle job and leaving the wizarding world actually," he said in a quiet voice, "so a seventh year wouldn't exactly help-"

Sirius stopped listening as the werewolf continued to explain his plans. _What_? He must have misheard him. He couldn't just leave the wizarding world. He couldn't leave all them. He couldn't leave _him_. "Why the bloody hell would you do that? You can't just _leave_!"

Remus shook his head firmly. "I know you don't understand, but my life will _never_ be like yours, or James's. I'm a _werewolf_ , Sirius. Do you even know what that means in our world? No family. No job... No place to live," he said, whispering the last part.

Sirius's hand darted out, grabbing the werewolf's. "Remus, that's not true, you can live with me."

Remus pulled his hand away harshly. "Sirius, you know your parents wouldn't let you live with someone like me."

"Bugger my parents," he said, shaking his head adamantly. "They'd never have to know. James could live with us too, it'd be great," he insisted.

"And what about when you get married, Sirius? Because you will. You and James both. It's what purebloods do, and you're as pureblooded as they come." The werewolf laughed, its sound uncharacteristically harsh. "You'll get married and have children... and where will that leave me in your life?" He looked over with a dark expression marring his features. "I'll tell you where - _nowhere_."

Grey eyes widened and then hazel ones followed suit, as if the sandy-blond was suprised by his own words, and his gaze dropped, the werewolf suddenly looking very unsure of himself. A dawning of realization began to fall over the dark-haired wizard as he studied his friend.

"Remus..."

All those kisses. All those times Remus had acted as if he liked him only to say later that he didn't.

" _Remus_..." Remus didn't look up.

The werewolf's aloofness around Evie.

"Remus, _look_ at me," he said more sharply.

"What Sirius?" the werewolf mumbled.

Sirius moved closer and pushed up his friend's chin. He looked squarely into his eyes. "Is that why you won't be with me?"

His coldness towards Greg. He had blamed the Slytherin for it.

Anger began to take up root in his chest. " _Is it_?" he asked again, his voice shaking as he tried to remain calm.

All the confusion and rejection.

"Sirius, _listen_ ," Remus said slowly, the tone of his voice conceding before his words did.

Sirius's jaw clenched.

All the _pain_.

He jumped up from the ground, the seed of anger blooming in his chest and surging beyond capacity and overflowing. It began to course freely through his veins, pulsing through him and darkening his thoughts more with each heartbeat.

"Why didn't you tell me? All those times, Remus!"

"Sirius..."

"All those _fucking_ times! Why didn't you _fucking tell me?_ " He began to pace. He wanted to leave. He wanted to hex someone. His wand felt heavy in his pocket. The wand he had let Remus use. He laughed harshly.

Remus pushed himself up. "What, you wanted me to tell you in _third_ year that despite _everything_ wrong about us—and there were a _lot_ of things, Sirius—the _only bloody_ reason I wouldn't date you was because I knew you were going to get married some day, and that I didn't want to lose you when it happened!"

Sirius began to laugh again.

All those months. All those times he had tried to move on and just be happy for his friend, and felt like a fool. A _bloody fool_ for not being able to get over him, worrying there was something wrong with him for liking someone who didn't like him back. Feeling _unwanted_. Not good enough.

"Yes! _Yes_ Remus!" he shouted, grey eyes wide and filled with just one emotion despite the tempest whirling in his chest. "We could have figured something out, I would have done that for you!" 

He would have done anything for him.

The werewolf shook his head firmly. "No. No, I'll tell you what you would have done. You would have either ran off screaming—or _worse_ —told me not to worry about it. And then, _then_ I would have ended up just like _Zabini_ ," he spat the wizard's name.

Sirius swallowed. "What's wrong with Greg? We're happy," he said, the small amount of fear in his voice belying his words.

Remus scoffed, " _You_ might be happy. But he most certainly _isn't_. He's miserable! And everyone but _you_ can see that!"

Sirius blinked. He took a small step back. "I see." Pain lanced through his very core, Remus's words feeling like they had cut him open, letting his emotions pour all over the ground and leaving him hollow.

He made Greg miserable? He let out a dry laugh. Of course he did, and he was only making things worse. He ran a hand up into his hair roughly. He had just cheated on him _again_. He couldn't do anything right, and Remus knew it. That was why Remus didn't want him, because he knew Sirius was a fuck up.

"Sirius, I'm-I'm-"

"Don't." Sirius held his hand up. He shook his head slowly as his traitorous eyes burned. He swallowed hard. He didn't know how to fix it. Remus would never want him, because he didn't want to. They would never be together. "Just-just don't say anymore." A dark emotion he hadn't felt in a long time began to push at the edges of his conscious, threatening to take over as his hands began to shake. A mean laugh escaped his chest. Why was he even fighting it?

Remus took a step closer. "Sirius-"

"I said, I _don't_ want to hear it," he said through clenched teeth. He sucked in a ragged breath and then gave in, letting the dark emotion begin to consume him. It would take away the pain.

"Sirius, are you allri-"

"I SAID DON'T _FUCKING_ TALK TO ME! " he exploded, glaring at nothing as his chest heaved. He was so stupid. How could he have thought he could make anyone happy? _He_ wasn't even happy.

He growled, clenching his jaw as he fought the anger he was suddenly swimming in.

"Sirius, I was wrong. I-I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I am _so sorry_. I was just upset." A hand reached out.

Sirius jerked back. "Don't... _touch me,_ Lupin." He smoothed down his shirt, trying to appear unaffected, wanting to hurt the werewolf like he had hurt him. "And, I was the one who was wrong." He steeled himself as he watched the sandy-blond's expression fall as if he knew what he was about to say. "We are _not_ friends. And we _never_ were. I hope you do leave," he sneered at the werewolf and then turned and began to make his way towards James. The wizard was across the street, standing on the sidewalk ordering food at a vendor with Remus's cousin, the muggle girl.

"Sirius, _wait_!"

The wizard ignored him as he crossed the street. He never wanted to talk to him again. "James, let's go," he said coolly, ignoring the girl's greeting completely.

"What's wrong? Where's Remus?" James asked as he looked over his shoulder.

"How the _fuck_ should I know? I'm not his bloody keeper," Sirius snarled. A guy bumped into his shoulder, and he shoved him, his magic shooting down his arm to join the force and knocking him out into the road, almost running him into a passing car. "Disgusting _filth_ ," he sneered. _Dirty muggles_. "How _dare_ he touch me." He pulled out his wand.

James's eyes widened. "I gotta go. Sorry." He grabbed Sirius's arm and began to guide him down the sidewalk at a fast pace, using his hand to keep people from brushing against the wizard. He pulled him down an alley. "There's a floo down here somewhere."

"James, _wait_!"

Sirius jerked away from his friend's grip as the wizard turned to see a jogging Remus, approaching them.

"Remus, _what_ is wrong with Sirius?"

Sirius gritted his teeth. "I'm right here, James! There's no need to talk about me like I'm some imbecile!"

James turned around slowly. "All right... What happened, Sirius?" he asked carefully.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Well James, Remus was kind enough to tell me that I make everyone miserable. Apparently it is common knowledge."

James stared at him for a moment. "Remus wouldn't say that."

Sirius started laughing harshly. "No, I'm sorry. You're right. He said I make Greg miserable, and that I would have made him miserable too if he would have let me."

James looked over to the silent werewolf. "Did you say that Remus?"

The sandy-blond nodded slowly, looking up at the upset wizard. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I shouldn't have said it."

Sirius laughed darkly. "But you meant it. _Didn't you_?"

"Of course he didn't," James interjected. "Remus - tell him."

The werewolf looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry."

Sirius turned and began to walk away, turning the corner as his mind raced. He could find the floo himself. He wasn't helpless. He was a Black.

"Sirius, wait up." James began to jog by his side. "Remus doesn't mean that. He doesn't. He's just worked up because of the full is all. You _know_ that."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really care what time of the month it is."

James grabbed his arm. "Sirius, it's _not true_."

Sirius jerked away from his friend, glaring at him. "Isn't it though, James?"

The wizard shook his head. "It's not. Greg likes you. You're really nice to him."

Sirius ran a hand roughly through his hair. "No I'm not, I keep cheating on him. And. And he... he _loves_ me, James." He looked up at his best friend and shook his head, a feeling of helplessness taking him over. "I know he does, and I don't love him. I've tried, but I just don't."

James stood quietly for a moment. "You can't help that, Sirius. He knows that."

Sirius laughed, the action making his chest ache. "Why don't I though? What am I doing wrong?"

The messy-haired wizard walked closer and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I don't know. It's just how things are, I suppose."

Sirius stared at the ground. "What should I do?"

James sighed. "Nothing, unless you want to. Greg still wants to be with you. Maybe things will change if you give it time."

Sirius nodded his head. "Yeah, maybe." He looked away, not voicing the worrying suspicion that had begun to take up root in his mind - that he was already falling for someone else. Someone who didn't want to be with him at all.

* * *

_Greg_ ,

Sirius stared down at the parchment. There had to be a way to write it so it didn't sound quite so bad.

_Greg,_

_I accidentally_

He lifted the feather quill to his face and brushed it across his cheek. Well, it hadn't been an accident, not really. He frowned. But he hadn't exactly planned it either. "What to say..."

"How 'bout, sorry Greg for snogging the shit out of Remus after flirting with him all night."

Sirius looked up, his jaw clenched as he glared darkly at his supposed best friend. "You think this is funny?"

James pressed his lips together and shook his head, only accomplishing one full shake before breaking into a laugh. "It kind of is. I mean, he's going to be _really_ angry."

Sirius frowned. "You don't know that. He wasn't that upset before," he said, feeling uneasy with the truth of his words.

James lifted his eyebrows. Sirius wadded up the note and tossed it in the nearby garbage. "You're right. I just shouldn't tell him."

"I didn't say _that_. You should _definitely_ tell him."

Sirius stood up and ran a hand up into his hair. "Then what are you trying to say, Potter?"

James hummed in thought. "Well, first off. You shouldn't owl it." He jumped onto his bed and placed his hands behind his head. "I could ask my mum if he could visit for a day or so before Remus shows up. That way you could tell him in person."

Sirius nodded slowly, his mood lifting somewhat. "Yeah, yeah that'll work. Then if he gets upset I'll be there to talk him down."

James started to laugh, but stopped when Sirius shot him a scowl. "And second, if I were you - I'd make sure I still wanted to be with him. Because, he's probably going to ask you after you tell him what happened."

Sirius sat down on the bed, his mind racing. "Right." He zoned out as James continued to talk, a feeling of anxiety gripping his chest. What did he want?

* * *

"Hello, Mrs. Potter, thank you for having me," Greg Zabini said politely just a few hours later as he stood in the sitting room at Potter manor. The wizard was wearing a pair of black twill shorts and a fitted, slate grey t-shirt, a night bag slung across his chest, showing off his even more tone physique.

"Not at all, it's a pleasure to meet you, Greg," the older woman said with a gracious smile. "James will show you around. Dinner will be ready in a couple hours boys," she said as she left the room.

Sirius cleared his throat. What had the wizard been doing? It had only been a week since he had last seen him. He looked taller too. Maybe he was going through a growth spurt-

"Sirius, say something, you're just staring," James hissed in his ear.

"Hey Greg."

The Slytherin furrowed his eyebrows but smiled. "Hey, Sirius," he said hesitantly.

"Sirius, why don't you show Greg the room? And I'll see about getting us a snack," James said when the two wizards didn't say anything else.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, okay."

"So, this is the room," Sirius said as he walked into James's bedroom. He pointed to a door in the left corner. "That's the bathroom, but I wouldn't use it today there's a potion in the toilet at the moment." He turned around when the wizard remained quiet.

Greg stood with his bag still over his chest. He looked around the room. "I'm assuming that's mine?" he asked, pointing to the green, comforter-covered bed near Sirius's that had a banner hanging over it, that read 'Slytherins suck.'

Sirius laughed, the sound tense. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. "Yeah, sorry."

Greg quirked a small smile and pulled the bag over his head, tossing it on the bed. "No, it's fine," he said, "so, what'd you want to talk about?"

Sirius stiffened. "Why do you think I want to talk about anything?"

The wizard shrugged. "So you don't?"

Sirius felt his stomach drop. "No - I do... Listen Greg-" Greg stood quietly.

Sirius walked closer, stopping when he noticed the wizard's jaw clench. "I did something stupid."

The wizard nodded, looking at his bed and avoiding eye contact. "How stupid?"

Sirius grimaced. "I didn't plan it. James and I went to a pub last night, and we had a lot to drink and things just kind of happened." He swallowed hard. "I snogged someone."

Greg's gaze shifted back and landed on him. " _Snogged_?"

Sirius nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm really sorry."

The wizard appeared to relax somewhat. "It was just a snog?"

Sirius nodded quickly. "Yeah, I swear. It _won't_ happen again."

The wizard let out a slow breath. "All right."

Sirius took a step closer, his hands reaching up and resting on the wizard's shoulders. "Really? We're good then?"

Greg nodded. "Yeah, we're good."

Sirius smiled, a large portion of the anxiety that had been plaguing him melting away. He glanced down at the only slightly shorter wizard. "You look really fit today, Zabini."

Greg laughed. "Oh yeah?"

Sirius nodded. " _Oh yeah_. What have you been doing?" he asked, running his hands up the wizard's shirt and then sliding them down slowly.

"Ah, just. Just being forced to work out with my older brother," the Slytherin said, his words coming out unevenly.

Sirius nodded. "I see."

Greg glanced over at the door. "When's Potter coming back?"

Sirius took another step closer and pushed up against him. "Not until I go get him," he whispered, smiling when Greg laughed. "Why do you want to know?"

The Slytherin moaned when Sirius's mouth moved down to his neck. "No reason."

Sirius laughed softly against the wizard's skin and began to guide him towards his bed. "No reason, huh?"

Greg shook his head innocently, and Sirius shoved him onto the bed. "No, just curious."

Sirius crawled up onto the bed, hovering over him. He smiled down at the boy, who had forgiven him far too many times and who clearly wanted to be with him. He wanted him to be happy. He leaned down and placed a kiss on the wizard's lips. "I care about you," he said hesitantly, earning him an apprehensive smile in return.

"Yeah?"

He nodded, kissing him again, as the wizard's hands grasped onto his sides. "Greg - I love you," he heard himself say.

He swallowed hard, trying to keep the panic at bay that was suddenly banging at his chest and demanding that he take the three words back, resisting the compulsion. Maybe it wasn't a complete lie. How could he actually be sure he didn't? Maybe he _did_ love him.

The wizard looked up at him in surprise. "You do?"

Sirius saw his expression shift to one of obvious skepticism, but the softness around the corners of his eyes and the slight parting of his lips belied his facade. He wanted it to be the truth and so did Sirius.

He nodded and pulled closed the curtains behind him, his throat too tight to work. He looked down into cautiously hopeful brown eyes. "Yeah, I do," he whispered the words roughly, the lie feeling more real as it slid over his tongue a second time. Maybe he could.

"I love you too, Sirius."


	45. Chapter 45

"Fuck off."

"Oh, _come on_ , Sirius. Get up. It's after noon already," James shouted.

Sirius groaned and rolled over, hugging Greg from behind, the Slytherin lying in his bed with his shirt off and wearing his pajama pants. "Morning Zabini," he whispered.

"Morning Black," the wizard whispered back softly, a smile in his voice.

Sirius grinned. "In case you were wondering. My arse is very sore," he whispered back.

Greg's shoulders began to shake. "Sorry," he said through obvious laughter as the door opened unexpectedly behind them.

"Remus! What are you doing here, mate? I thought you weren't coming for another day?" James asked, his voice polite but obviously strained.

Sirius froze. _Shit. Fuck. Fuck._ He didn't roll over.

"Oh, uh, my mum and dad let me leave a day early," the werewolf responded, sounding equally uncomfortable.

"Hey Remus," he called over his shoulder offhandedly.

"Hey Sirius... Hey Greg."

The Slytherin greeted back as Sirius reached behind him, pulling the curtains shut. He pushed up onto his knees and searched for his wand, finding it under his pillow. He cast a silent cleaning charm on himself and then pulled on the Slytherin's boxers, since he was wearing his pants. He looked down at the green boxers with snakes all over them and shook his head. "I'll get us some clothes," he whispered as quietly as he could in the wizard's ear. "Do you think these boxers will go over well?"

"I do." The wizard nodded in response, grinning as he placed a kiss on his chin when he pulled back a little. "I love you," he whispered, the words barely audible in his attempt at discretion.

Sirius froze. Remus had to have heard that. What would he think? Would he be—He blinked. _Fuck Remus._ "I love you too."

* * *

Grey eyes gazed up at a cloudy night sky. Sirius held an unlit cigarette in one hand and a lighter in the other, both of which he had nicked from James. He leaned back and rested against the brick wall of the manor as he sat on the stone patio just outside his friend's room. He sighed and his gaze shifted down. He began to fiddle with the lighter, lighting it and watching for a few seconds as the soft, summer breeze tried but failed at putting it out before lifting his thumb to cut the flame, only to repeat the process again.

The muted sound of James heckling Remus over something reached the wizard's ears, drawing a small frown from him and pushing pitch-dark eyebrows together. He placed the cigarette between his lips and lifted the lighter, lighting it as he drew in small puffs.

"Owowow, okay, I'll stop! I promise!"

Sirius grinned begrudgingly around the cigarette, shaking his head, and he took a slow drag. He looked onto the grounds, just able to make out the outlines of trees, the smile slowly dropping as thoughts heavy with confusion began to weigh it down. He had yet to have an actual conversation with the werewolf since their fight, despite him having been at James's for two days already. He didn't know where they stood at the moment, or what he was even hoping for.

He reached his hand out to the side and tapped the cigarette over the edge. Perhaps since Greg had left, Remus would be more talkative. Memories of his last conversation with the werewolf moved to the forefront of his mind. Maybe Remus was being distant because he had told the werewolf that they had never actually been friends... No, no Remus had to have known that was a lie.

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked up to see the wizard in question stepping out onto James's patio. He took the cigarette out from between his lips. "Hey Remus," he said quietly as his gaze shifted back out onto the night-blanketed grounds, his anxieties lessening somewhat.

The sandy-blond sat down on the stone flooring. He scooted back and leaned against the wall beside him, leaving a foot of space between them. "Smoking - how very _muggle_ of you."

Sirius felt a grin pull up the corners of his mouth at the seemingly playful statement and took a deep drag, making sure to blow it out the corner of his mouth and away from the werewolf. "You don't approve then?"

The werewolf looked over at him. "I never said that."

Sirius's grin widened. "No, but that's how I know you're really bothered. You see, you Remus Lupin, always have an opinion."

"Is that so?"

Sirius nodded as he exhaled. "Most definitely. It's one of the many things I like about you," he said, his mind supplying other things he liked about his friend for him unhelpfully. He ignored it.

Remus smiled slightly. "So how did you come to the decision that I dislike it? Maybe I'm dead chuffed that you've taken to smoking."

A chuckle escaped the tall wizard's lips. "No, I'd wager from your statement that you're actually quite bothered over it." He took another drag and exhaled slowly.

"You couldn't possibly have deduced that from what I said."

Sirius nodded. "Oh, but I did. You see. First, you pointed it out. That was my first clue. You only point things out when you're either surprised or upset. And you weren't surprised."

"How do you know that?"

Sirius laughed, tapping the ashes off the edge. "Because, you never joke when you're surprised. So, that means you're upset. Now, here's the tricky part. How upset are you? I'd guess quite a bit, because when you're only slightly worked up, you just tell me. James and I always know we're in the clear with you if you yell at us straight away, like when you shouted at us after we transfigured all your pants into knickers a few weeks ago."

"Your thought process never ceases to amaze me," the werewolf drawled with a smile in his voice.

Sirius licked his lips as he grinned. "Well then get ready to have your mind blown. Because, I can always tell when I'm in the most trouble with you — when you say absolutely nothing."

"That makes no sense whatsoever."

Sirius shrugged. "I agree. You're a confusing wizard." He looked over at the sandy blond. "James and I have tried to work it out. He figures it's because you're trying to guilt us."

"But you don't?" Remus asked and then coughed when a breeze blew some of the smoke back in his face.

Sirius sighed and put out the half-smoked cigarette on the ground in front of him, rubbing it into the stone until the warm red died to a cool black. "Sorry... No, I mean, it _does_ do that... but I don't think that's why you do it."

Remus laughed softly. "So, why then?"

Sirius looked down at his now empty hands. He thought back to their last week before break when he and James had ganged up on Snape and picked on him rather viciously in front of their classmates. He could remember seeing a flash of disbelief in the wizard's hazel eyes, followed quickly by a look of intense anger - but only for a split-second before it had flitted on to the more resigned expression of disappointment. "I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's because you worry too much."

The wizard sat quietly for a moment. "How's that?"

"Well, you're always trying to look out for other people's feelings. So, I'm guessing when you get really angry or disagree too strongly with us you try to hold back, because you don't want to upset us or cause a rift or something." He laughed. "Although, you did tell me off the other day, and you were _furious_ , so what do I know? I'm bloody awful with people."

Remus didn't respond.

The dark-haired wizard grinned begrudgingly. "So, where's James?"

"He went to the kitchen to get us a snack," the werewolf replied quietly.

Sirius hummed his acknowledgement.

"Greg left?"

"Yeah, an hour ago," Sirius responded numbly. He found himself wishing he hadn't put out the cigarette, his fingers feeling suddenly restless. He clenched his hands.

"Listen, Sirius. I know you said the other day that you don't want anything to do with me anymore..." Remus paused.

"I did say that." Sirius licked his lips nervously. That hadn't been a lie. He had said it, and he had meant it. At the time. At least he thought he had. He shot a glance over at the sandy-blond, who appeared to be struggling desperately to say something, and felt his chest clench tightly. "I didn't mean it though," he offered softly.

Remus's gaze jerked over, a look of obvious relief spreading across his features. "You didn't?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "No. You are my friend, and you always will be, Remus. No matter what. I just lost it a little. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he responded quickly. "Sirius, I was _wrong_ to say those things. I don't _know_ how Greg feels. And no one's _actually_ told me that they think-"

"Remus _stop_." Sirius let out a soft laugh at his friend's obvious attempt to take back the too truthful words. "It's fine. You were right, I haven't been very nice to Greg."

Remus shot him a tight smile. "It seems like - like you two worked things out."

The dark-haired wizard nodded, holding back a grimace. "Yeah, we did. What about you and Diggory, did you tell him what happened?"

Remus sighed. "Yeah."

"He didn't take it well?"

"No, especially not after he asked if it had happened before." Remus looked over. "He told me he thought I shouldn't hang out with you so much anymore, I disagreed, and then he said that I had to choose between you two."

Sirius blinked. "Oh." He shifted uncomfortably. Is that what he had come out to tell him? That it was good Sirius didn't want to talk to him anymore. That the feeling was mutual? "What'd you say?" He forced the question out.

Remus looked down at his hands. "I picked you."

Sirius's mouth dropped open. He closed it. "I'm sorry, Remus."

The werewolf started to laugh. "Me too." He shrugged his shoulders, the nonchalant movement slight and not overly convincing. "It's okay though. I mean — he was a little clingy to be honest. And you were right, he did smile an awful lot. It probably would have gotten old after a while," he said in a somewhat joking tone.

Sirius forced a grin. "Yeah, and his name... _Diggory_?" he scoffed. "It's kind of lame. I mean - can you imagine... Remus Diggory?" He shook his head, his upper lip curling in only slightly feigned disgust. "It doesn't sound good at all."

Remus started laughing again, the sound more genuine. "No, it really doesn't, does it?" He let out a quiet sigh. "It was kind of nice though, having someone like me so much. You know?"

Sirius scooted closer and wrapped an arm around the wizard's shoulders, ignoring the discomfort in his own chest at the wizard's words. "Yeah, I know. But you'll find someone else in no time," he said softly.

Remus leaned his head on the wizard's shoulder. "Yeah... _maybe_."

Sirius rested his cheek against the head of sandy hair. "No. I'm certain. You're quite the catch, Remus Lupin, Diggory is a complete fool for letting you go," he said, hoping the werewolf didn't notice the wistfulness behind his words.

"Thanks Sirius," Remus whispered. The werewolf scooted closer so that their sides were touching. "Sirius...?"

"Yeah Remus?" Sirius asked in almost a whisper.

"You were right... I bloody _hate_ that you've taken up smoking."

Sirius let out a soft laugh. "Good to know." He squeezed the wizard's shoulder gently, deciding he didn't actually enjoy smoking that much after all.

* * *

Sirius sat in only a pair of board shorts in the center of James's room. Remus and James had gone out to swim in the pond on the grounds for the third day in a row, Sirius staying behind at the last moment for the second day in a row.

He wasn't avoiding Remus, he was just practicing his animagus transformation. A mental picture of the wizard in swimming shorts popped into his head. He cleared his throat as he tried to also clear his mind. He glanced down at his suddenly tight shorts. He was right to have not gone with them. The first day had been a disaster.

He had already been in the pond when Remus had pulled off his shirt. The werewolf was surprisingly tan, and his scars criss-crossed over tone muscles, contrasting his shy smile and neat hair in a way that made Sirius have a chronic problem. And to make things worse he was single again. Not that that had ever helped Sirius too much in the past. But it did serve to remind Sirius that he was not single, and there was no way he could end things with Greg... not after what he had said to the wizard.

He pulled in a deep breath, pushing the thoughts away and focusing on the task at hand. The only book they had been able to find about becoming Animagi had been the text he'd secured over Christmas break. Unfortunately, its instructions for the actual spellwork was only three lines long. Picture the animal that best suits you. Then imagine yourself as that animal. And finally, transform into that animal. He growled. _Stupid wizards. No wonder it's such a hard spell. The instructions are bloody useless_. He sat up straight and then pictured himself as the large dog that had shot out of his patronus. He paid careful attention not to picture his human self at all to prevent a partial transformation.

Nothing happened.

He cursed and pushed himself off the hardwood floor of James's room. He walked over to Remus's bed and plopped down on it. _Come on. Come on_. He took in another deep breath, Remus's comforting scent filling his senses, and closed his eyes, letting his magic build as he visualized his dog standing beside a familiar grey wolf.

Suddenly, he felt his body begin to vibrate, every cell responding to the wizard's intention and then his eyes opened. He jumped off the bed and looked around. He blinked. His point of view was much lower. He looked down to see long, furry legs that ended at impressively large, black paws, a happy chuff escaped his lips. He turned his head and looked over his shoulder to find his entire body covered in black fur and began to make a small circle as he tried to get a complete look at his new tail.

"What the hell?"

Sirius spun around to see a tall person standing inside the room. _Remus_ , his mind supplied his canine senses. His tail began to wag, and he took an eager step forward to greet his friend.

The wizard's wand shot up, and the animagus froze. "James!" the wizard called, "James, come _here_!"

Sirius sat down, accidentally sitting halfway on his tail. He stood back up, carefully moving it to the side before trying again much to the watching wizard's confusion.

"What are you?" Remus muttered to himself, earning him a happy bark in response. His eyebrows furrowed, and he began to walk slowly towards the dog.

Sirius's tail began to wag again as he tried to remain sitting as the wizard approached, not wanting to startle him.

"You look like the Grim," the wizard whispered with a small laugh, his hand slowly reaching towards the dog's head but stopping just above it as if rethinking the decision.

Sirius tilted his head up quickly to meet the still-hovering hand, his tail wagging even faster as Remus's fingers began to run over his head and down his neck.

"You seem nice," the wizard hedged as he continued to pet him. "Animals are usually terrified of me. Why aren't you scared of me?"

Sirius's eyes shifted—his head remaining still to keep the wonderfully relaxing petting going—and he shot the wizard a look to try to convey he had no clue.

Remus frowned. "Do you understand me?" He leaned down closer, his eyes narrowing.

Sirius shifted on his paws as the wizard moved closer and then his tongue shot out and licked the wizard up the entire side of his face. He let out a happy yip and then dropped down into his side, rolling onto his back to display his stomach. He lifted his head slightly to glance down at his newly exposed underside to see an expanse of softer-looking black fur. He was covered in it.

Remus laughed as he wiped his face and then his hand was rubbing the animagus's stomach.

Sirius's leg twitched, and he felt himself relax completely, his eyes shutting as the werewolf's hand ran along his stomach. He let out a heavy breath of contentment. He wished Remus would rub his stomach when he was in his human form.

" _Holy hell!_ "

Sirius's eyes popped open, and he found himself staring up at a very shocked and upset werewolf. "Ah. Hello, Moony."

* * *

"What were you two thinking?!" Remus shouted as he paced back and forth along the expanse of James's room.

"We only wanted to help, Remus," James said quietly as he sat on his bed, petting Sirius, who was sitting halfway in his lap. "So your transformations wouldn't be so hard. We heard Dumbledore say it would help if you had an animagus to keep you company. So, we just looked into it."

"So you 'just looked into it'? So you _just looked into it_! _James_! Becoming an animagus without permission is _illegal_!" he hissed, his gaze darting to the locked door. "Sirius could be sent to Azkaban if anyone finds out!"

The dog whimpered, ducking his head as he scooted further into James's lap. James patted his head in a soothing manner.

"Stop that, James! He's _not_ a dog!" Remus shouted.

James lifted an eyebrow. "I don't know. I think he's got it down pat. Have you seen him fetch yet? He's a bloody natural."

The dog's tail thumped against the bed at the words.

James looked down at his friend. "Do you want to play fetch, Padfoot? Do you?" he asked in a tone that sounded completely like he was talking to a dog.

The animagus barked eagerly.

"You hear that Remus? I think he wants to play-"

" _James_! This is _serious_!" Remus shouted, cutting off the wizard and earning him a look of surprise from his two friends. He started to shout again but then stopped. "Wait. Did you just call him... _Padfoot_?"

James nodded, lifting dark eyebrows and smiling widely, his eyes dancing with a mischievous gleam. "Yeah - do you like it?"

Remus shot him a sharp look of disapproval.

James laughed. "What? Tell me you haven't noticed the similarity. And it has the added bonus of sounding nice. All the witches will love it."

Remus shook his head, appearing to be fighting a grin. "Sirius wouldn't appreciate it if he knew what it meant."

James shot him an impish grin. "Then don't tell him."

The dog looked between the two wizards, his tail slowing slightly as he tried to figure out what they were talking about.

James rubbed his head. "He's really pleasant as a dog. Don't you think?"

Remus sighed and sat down on the bed, reaching out a hand and petting his friend too, scratching behind his ear. "Yeah, he actually is," he said finally.

The animagus closed his eyes as he reveled in the contact, seemingly forgetting the conversation.


	46. Chapter 46

"Maybe you could ask to stay another week or two. Pete will be here in three days," James said as he sat on Sirius's bed at the Potter beach house, digging through Sirius's possessions that laid strewn over his comforter, waiting to be packed.

"No, I can't," Sirius said as he continued to toss clothes and random things he had accumulated over the month into his trunk. He knew he shouldn't have put packing off until the last moment, but he had been dreading it, thinking it would be unpleasant. And he had been right. He held back a sigh as he stuffed his board shorts into the open chest. _I won't be needing those anymore this summer._

"Oh yeah, Greg is coming to stay at your house, isn't it he?" The question pulled the dark-haired wizard from his thoughts.

He shook his head. "No, I wrote him last week and told him not to come. It was a bloody awful idea." He laughed. "There's no reason to torture anyone else by making them stay at my house." His mother had been surprisingly compliant with his wishes to cancel the stay, and Greg had seemed fine with it as well. He frowned.

"Why are you keeping this?" James asked as he held up a greyish blue seashell.

Sirius looked up and scowled. He walked over and grabbed the shell from his hand, and stuffed it in his slacks' pocket. "Why do you ask so many questions?" he retorted sharply, grabbing the last of his things.

James let out a laugh and lifted his hands in mock surrender. "Sorry, keep your pretty little seashell."

"Shut it," Sirius snapped. Remus had given him said shell the other day when they had been drinking, claiming it was the same shade of his eyes. He clenched his jaw. It was stupid to keep it really. He continued to pack his trunk with more gusto. "Where's Remus?" he finally asked the question that had been weighing on him for the past hour. The wizard knew he was leaving soon. Did he not want to say goodbye? He closed his trunk, the clicking noise of the lock unusually loud in his ears.

"He's helping my mum bake cookies."

Sirius hummed in acknowledgement.

"You should be happy..."

Sirius's gaze shifted up to a smirking James. "Yeah and why's that?"

"Because he'll be all domestic for you when you two get _married_."

Sirius stood up slowly.

"You can be all like... Here Moony, let me fuck you in the arse while you bake me some—Ahhhh!"

Sirius had jumped on top of his friend and was straddling him as he held his arms up by his head. "Shut the fuck up, Potter," he hissed.

James struggled to get loose. "Why? Because I said you want to shag Moony? Are you afraid he might hear?" he taunted. "Because I'm _pretty_ sure he already knows that you d-" His words were silenced with a well placed pillow.

"You stupid shit," Sirius growled as he held the pillow firmly over his struggling friend, his jaw clenching and arms flexing as he increased the pressure until one of James's legs struggled loose enough to knee him in the stomach. " _Fuck_ ," he groaned as James gained the upper hand and rolled him onto his back.

"You almost suffocated me!" James gasped as he tried to catch his breath, their positions switched. "You were trying to kill me!"

Sirius barked a laugh. "You're such a whinger, James. You know you liked it," he said as he pulled his arms loose and then shoved the wizard off him.

James let out a laugh as he lay on the bed beside him. "You're a bloody bastard, Black."

The dark-haired wizard shrugged. "Yeah, I know." A pillow smacked him in the face a second later.

* * *

Sirius stood up from his still-packed trunk and walked over to sit on his bed. He pushed himself back against the headboard and began to flip through a Quidditch magazine he had nicked from James. He was wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants, feeling wholly uneasy his first night back at Twelve Grimmauld Place for the summer.

He reached over and picked up the seashell that was set on his nightstand, running his fingers absentmindedly over the glassy-smooth surface as he read about the Chudley Cannons' new beater.

"I know."

Sirius looked up. "Mother?" he asked in a wary voice. The witch was standing in the doorway of his room, holding her wand out and pointing it... at his chest. He didn't move.

"I know what you've been doing, Sirius," she said slowly as she stepped into the room.

Sirius glanced around his bedroom to confirm he had nothing incriminating set out. "I don't understand. I just got home a few-"

His mother flicked her wrist, and he felt like a strong wind hit him, shoving him up and back into the wall behind him, smacking his back forcefully against it. He dropped onto the bed and rolled off, hitting the floor hard, his back smarting from the hit. He let out a quiet groan and began to push himself up off the floor. "Mother. I really don't know-"

" _Don't_ lie to me."

He was knocked up against the wall again, more forcefully, falling down into a heap onto the hard, unforgiving floor. He resisted the urge to spit when he tasted blood where he must have bit his tongue. He pushed himself into a sitting position and looked up to see his mother walking closer, contempt swimming in her eyes as she held up her wand undoubtedly to use it on him again. He braced himself for the hex, his breathing uneven, hoping it wouldn't be something worse.

"You disgust me, you pathetic and vile-"

A hand suddenly grabbed the wand from his mother's hand before she could hit Sirius for a third time.

" _What_ is this about?" Orion stood, holding her wrist, her wand in his other hand.

Walburga pulled away from her husband's grip. "Ask your _son_!" she spat, the last word coming out like it was distasteful on her tongue.

Orion turned his cool gaze on Sirius.

Sirius slowly pushed himself up into a standing position, holding back a grimace and ignoring the sharp pain in his right side and upper back. "I-I don't know, Father," he spoke up in the calmest voice he could muster, hoping his confusion wouldn't incur his father's wrath. "She just started hexing me." He tried to slow his breathing. The hits hadn't hurt so much. He blocked out his mother's venomous words when more than his body began to ache. He had known how she felt for quite a while. It was no surprise. He swallowed hard as his mind disagreed.

His mother let out a scathing laugh. "It's the _Zabini_ boy. I told you we shouldn't have sent him there last summer!"

Sirius's eyes widened ever so slightly. How had she found out? He fought the urge to look away and kept his expression blank. It would be fine. He had been discreet.

"What about him?" his father asked in a bored voice.

"They're. Orion, they're _together,_ " she hissed. "Regulus just told me."

Sirius's eyes widened further. Regulus? Why would he tell her that? His jaw set. His brother would pay.

"No." Orion turned to Sirius. "No, Sirius is with the Greengrass witch. Aren't you, Sirius?" The man eyed him coolly.

Sirius swallowed and found himself nodding. "Yes. I am, Father."

"There. You see. Regulus was clearly mistaken."

His mother let out a shriek. "He's lying! He is! Regulus saw them doing 'things!'"

Sirius resisted taking a step back. _Shit_. He struggled to calm his hands, which had begun to tremble ever so slightly as he kept his expression clear.

Orion held up a hand. "That is _enough_. What Sirius does in his private time is no one's business but his own so long as the Greengrass witch remains betrothed to him."

Sirius stood in shock, his mother looking equally affected. "You - you don't care?" she gasped, her voice one of complete incredulousness, "He was _seen_ , Orion! You _have_ to do _something_!"

Orion took a step towards the witch and away from Sirius. "No - I _don't_. I have much larger concerns at the moment than whom Sirius is with. He can fuck all of Slytherin for all I care. The fact that it is someone from an influential family—a wizard no less—will only play in our favor."

The witch's mouth dropped open and then shut into a thin hard line. "He's just like you. You never could control yourself either." She took a defiant step towards him, chin raised as she might his higher gaze straight on. "The Zabinis are _quite_ the irresistible family aren't they, Orion?" she hissed.

A loud smack reverberated throughout the room followed by the sound of his mother falling. Sirius took a small step forward instinctively, but then stopped - keeping himself from moving any closer. The young wizard swallowed hard as he watched his mother push herself up slowly from the floor, a dark look glowing in her eyes, her lip split open and bleeding.

"Don't _ever_ speak to me like that again, or you'll end up just like your dear uncle," Orion said in a quiet voice, Sirius barely able to make out the words not sure if he had heard him correctly as a sinking feeling in his chest told his brain what he wasn't willing to admit. "And only _I_ will correct Sirius from now on." He walked out of the room without another word, taking the witch's wand with him.

Sirius hurried towards his mother when she stumbled trying to take a step. "Mother, are you okay?"

" _Don't_ ," the witch hissed, her hand out, keeping her son at arm's length. " _Don't_ even _think_ about touching me. This is _all_ your fault, you've turned him against me, you disgusting excuse for a son." She straightened herself, lifting her chin and smoothing out her dress as her lip continued to bleed before turning woodenly towards the door. "You're _nothing_ to me."

Sirius watched in silence as his mother walked out of the room, a slight limp slowing her pace. He looked away, his chest clenching painfully as the event replayed in his mind on a loop, and he refused to process her words. He should have spoken up, he should have helped her even if she didn't want it. His hands clenched tightly and grey eyes darkened as his mind shifted focus on the cause.

* * *

"Regulus," Sirius said, startling his younger brother, who he had snuck up on by silencing his footsteps. A dark smile tugged at his lips when the younger wizard spun around and backed himself against the wall just outside his bedroom, his gaze darting around the quiet hallway undoubtedly searching for another person to protect him.

"Oh, there's no one around, _Reg_. Mother and Kreacher just left to visit Bella," he paused as the wizard's face dropped before continuing with a growing smile, "And Father is in his study in a private meeting. It's just _me..._ and _you_. What's wrong? You don't look happy to see me."

"Sirius, Sirius, you _have_ to believe me. I didn't want to tell Mother what I had seen, but-"

Sirius took a step closer when the wizard stopped abruptly, his gaze having turned to his room wistfully. He placed a hand on the wall between his brother and the doorway as he looked down at the boy, who was a foot shorter and much thinner. "Go on," he said, black eyebrows lifting, feigning polite curiosity.

Regulus nodded hesitantly, clearing his throat as he glanced around again. "Well, someone in my House, in Slytherin, they, well they said that if I didn't do it, that they would make sure the whole school found out. And I thought this was better-" The wizard stopped when hands grabbed his shoulders roughly, a whimper escaping his lips. "Please don't hurt me."

Sirius growled. "Who. _Who_ told you that?"

He shook his head. "I-I can't tell you. I swore I wouldn't."

The wizard pulled out his wand, causing a noise of distress to sound in the boy's throat. "Regulus, listen closely. You'd be smart to just tell me now, because I _will_ get the information out of you," he said, holding the wand up to his brother's throat, "One way or another."

His younger brother's breathing began to grow shaky. "I can't. I can't."

Sirius growled and pressed the wand harder against his throat. He flicked through Slytherin names mentally when he stopped on one. _Of course_. "Was it Snape?"

The wizard's eyes widened, and he shook his head adamantly. Sirius's gaze darkened. "It was. Wasn't it?" He dug the wand in deeper, hoping he would cave, because he really didn't want to hex him. " _Wasn't it_?" he demanded.

The wizard closed his eyes and nodded slightly, Sirius cursing harshly under his breath. "If he finds out I told you he will... please, don't tell him I told you."

Sirius took a step back, placing his wand away with a look of indifference. "Why should I care what happens to you?"

The young wizard looked down, and then a sound like a sob shook his chest. "You're right. You shouldn't. I-I deserve it."

Sirius felt his resolve begin to melt as he watched his brother shake ever so slightly. He sighed and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, feeling a twinge of guilt when the wizard flinched. "I won't tell, Reg," he said quietly.

The wizard rubbed at his face with his sleeve before looking up, his eyes shiny and filled with surprise. "You won't?"

He shook his head slightly. "No, your secret's safe with me. I promise."

"But, but _why_?" the young wizard asked, his gaze narrowing slightly as he eyed him as if he were searching for something in his expression he couldn't find.

Sirius shrugged. "Because we're brothers," he said and then turned to leave.

"Sirius, _wait_!"

He turned around slowly. "Yeah?"

Regulus took a step forward. "I'm sorry. I really am," he said in an uneven voice.

Sirius nodded, his thoughts shifting to the greasy-haired Slytherin, who had threatened his brother and who was far too interested in his personal life. "I know," he said and then turned away as his features hardened. 

* * *

Sirius stood in a full suit two weeks later alongside his parents and Regulus in his Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella's sitting room. The room though not as dark as Twelve Grimmauld was by no means cheerful. He glanced around the area, his gaze settling on a scowling portrait of one of his great-uncles mounted over the fireplace. Sirius cleared his throat and looked away, resisting the urge to shift uncomfortably.

"Have a seat, please," Druella Black drawled. The thin, blonde witch motioned to a stiff-backed, looking green couch. "Thank you for coming tonight. Andromeda has a rather important announcement."

Orion chose a chair by the fireplace as Sirius sat down on the sofa beside his brother.

"We look forward to hearing it," Sirius's mother replied as she settled down primly beside Regulus, bypassing the seat by her eldest as was customary in family situations, and earning her a curious look from Druella.

Orion cleared his throat, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly.

"Aunt Walburga and Uncle Orion, it's _so_ good to see you," Bellatrix greeted in a sing-songy voice as she walked into the quiet room, the witch wearing a long, black dress. She made her way over to the sofa. "Reggie," she said in a syrupy sweet tone, petting the boy's hair before stopping fully at Sirius. "And my dear cousin, Sirius, it's been _far_ too long. Come, I must show you something," she said, her voice deepening into almost a purr, full red lips curling to reveal white teeth.

Sirius looked to his father, the wizard dipping his chin in assent. "All right," he said, barely getting the words out before the witch grabbed hold of his arm and guided him out of the room, her demeanor relaxing further once they were out of view of his family. She began to walk in an almost a skipping fashion as she led the tall wizard down a long and unfamiliar hallway.

"You don't need this," she said as she began to pull the wizard's jacket off his arm, Sirius laughing and turning as they walked to let her pull off the other sleeve. She snapped her fingers and then tossed it at a house elf as soon as it appeared without any words, the jacket landing over its head and almost completely hiding it from view. He grinned, loosening his tie as they turned the corner and began down another long hallway. Bellatrix began to hum as they approached a black, wooden door at the end of the corridor.

"Where are we going?" he asked finally as they stopped in front of the door, the wizard noting there was no visible handle.

The witch leaned forward and hissed an unfamiliar incantation, and then loud clicks and a long hiss sounded from the other side of the door. The witch placed her hand on the black wood and pushed it open slowly to reveal a passageway, candles lighting with green flames along the path to reveal a descending stone stairway. "To my getaway," she said simply and then took his hand and pulled him through the doorway.

Once inside it closed with a heavy thud, the back of it displaying an enchanted metal snake slithering up the door to slide its body under heavy, metal rings, which alternated on the door and the wall, stopping once it was through them all to form a lock of sorts. Sirius frowned as realization hit him. "Was that parseltongue you spoke?"

The witch let out a loud laugh. "Indeed it was, Cousin."

"I didn't know you were a parselmouth," he said hesitantly as they began to descend. His own parents had been sorely disappointed when Sirius had not been gifted with the serpentine language. He remembered feeling like he had failed them somehow, only finding out several years later that it was an inherited magical trait and not something he could have helped.

"I'm not. Someone taught it to me," she said simply and then stopped at the bottom of the stairs in front of a small door that had a painting on it of a familiar-looking skull with a snake sliding through it. "You've met him actually - at the Christmas dinner party. He was quite interested in you. He'd like to meet with you again over the holidays," she said softly.

 _Riddle_ , he recalled curiously, noting the same skull and snake had been on his card and wondering why the wizard would want such a thing. "Perhaps," he hedged, remembering the research the man had spoken of. "Might I ask why you have a getaway here when you've been married, Bella?"

The witch turned to meet his gaze with a sharp look in her eyes. "Just because I'm _married_ now doesn't mean I don't need my personal space."

Sirius nodded. "Fair enough."

She turned back and placed her left hand on the door. After only a moment's pause, it began to shimmer and then became translucent, the soft flickering lights of the mounted candles shining a soft green glow into the room as the witch walked through it, Sirius ducking his head under the low archway as he followed her, the room's candles lighting upon their entrance.

They stood in a round room that was an exact replica of the witch's old bedroom she had once had in the house, which had been situated between Narcissa and Andromeda's.

Sirius grinned. "Didn't fancy moving out just yet, Bella?"

The witch let out an amused laugh and dropped onto the bed, her black dress fluffing up before settling back down smoothly. "Rodolphus is a bit boring." She rolled onto her back and lifted a hand lazily to summon a tray of vials from her dresser top over to her bed. "I'm still working on livening him up a bit," she said in a silky smooth voice.

Sirius grinned as he studied the silver tray of crystal vials that had settled onto her bed top. "What are those?" he asked as he eyed the potions with interest.

Bellatrix smiled widely and sat up. "These, my dearest cousin, are what we are going to do to entertain ourselves tonight." She ran her fingers along the tops of the vials before stopping to lift a small bottle filled with a black potion. The witch held it up and gazed into it with grey eyes as she whispered to herself.

Sirius sat down gently on the bed. "What does it do?" he asked warily.

The witch ran a blood-red nail slowly down the side of the glass and an opening appeared at the top. "It gives you your heart's deepest desires," she whispered with a fervent gleam in her eyes before pulling up her right sleeve and then tilting the vial to pour a single drop onto her wrist. She gasped, her eyes squeezing shut for a second as the black potion spread out into tendrils and then sunk into her skin, leaving no trace behind. "Your turn," she said breathily, her voice sounding oddly distant as she handed it to him before lying down onto her bed once more, her eyes shutting.

Sirius held the vial in his hand, his gaze shifting from it to the witch, who had a huge smile plastered on her face.

"My heart's desire, huh?" he murmured to himself. He took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, pushing up his sleeve before tapping out a drop onto his own wrist. " _Shit_ ," he cursed as the black liquid began to spread out, feeling like it was slicing open his skin wherever it touched, and then his eyelids began to grow heavy, the potion sinking into his skin, burning and melting his insides as it crawled up his arm and settled into his chest.

He groaned as he pulled himself fully onto the bed, his head swimming, and his eyes fell shut as he dropped onto his side. Hazel eyes flashed before him.


	47. Chapter 47

Sirius gasped, his eyes jerking open as he shot up into a sitting position. " _Fuck_ ," the disoriented wizard cursed, his chest rose and fell quickly as his gaze flitted around an unfamiliar green-hued room until landing on the still-unconscious witch lying beside him. Right, he was with Bella in her room, it had only been a dream.

He groaned and leaned forward, his shoulders dropping and hands coming up to scrub at his face as he tried desperately to rid himself of the disturbing memory from the potion-induced dream. That couldn't be his deepest desire. It just couldn't. He pulled his knees up, a breathy laugh escaping his lips as he let his forehead drop forward to rest on his knees, his arms wrapping around to hide him from the light of the candles. It couldn't.

 

* * *

_Fifth Year_

* * *

 

Sirius boarded the Hogwarts Express, his trunk floating ahead of him as fellow students made their way through the crowded hallway. The wizard kept his gaze trained straight ahead, avoiding the curious looks of those around him and feeling rather self-conscious in a full suit.

His parents had bought him all new clothes to replace his current wardrobe, having decided over the summer that his school attire needed to be even more proper. They said it was because he was maturing. He _would_ be turning sixteen in a couple months, but the young wizard couldn't help but think instead they thought it would somehow make him more mindful of his blood heritage and therefore the implied expectations weighing over him. That or make all his friends hate him because of how ridiculous he looked. Sirius tugged at the uncomfortable tie.

He stopped at the compartment he shared with his friends to see James already inside, sitting by himself looking bored as he stared at the ceiling. He grinned and pulled the door open.

"Sirius!" James greeted his friend excitedly as he pushed himself more upright. "You look positively hideous, Mate!"

Sirius grinned ruefully. "Well then we'll make a fitting pair," he responded, eyeing his friend's outfit in feigned disgust as he sent his trunk up onto the shelf beside James's with a quick wave of his wand.

James laughed, the wizard wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a Gryffindor red t-shirt that said 'Kiss Me, I'm Gryffindor'.

"Hey, my dad gave me this shirt," he said defensively.

The two boys exchanged arched looks before breaking out into laughter.

"Have you seen Remus or Peter?" James asked, Sirius dropping down beside him.

Sirius shook his head as he pulled at his tie again. "No, I haven't." He was glad for that, his father had seen him and Regulus to the train station, his mother having said she didn't feel up to the trip.

"Huh." James scooted closer and looked between himself and Sirius several times, before asking abruptly in a suspicious tone, "Have you grown?"

Sirius looked down at his own body. "No, I have put on some muscle though," the six-foot-two wizard said, looking up at his frowning friend and grinning widely.

"That's not fair," the wild-haired wizard said, leaning back and crossing his arms. "Now you'll look even taller than me."

Sirius shrugged as he tried to relax in the full suit. He might as well get used to it. "How's your animagus coming along?" he asked, resisting the urge to tug at his tie again.

"Actually, I got it just two days ago. I'd show you but I don't think I'd fit in here," James said as he shot a glance around the compartment. "We need to help Pete this week so we can be ready for the next full."

Sirius let out a harsh laugh. "Yeah, and how's a mouse going to help us with Remus? You know he's just going to end up getting eaten."

"Shut it." James gave him a half-hearted shove, laughing with him. "Don't let him hear you say that, and you know bloody well his patronus was a rat - and anyway we need someone to get to the stump on the whomping willow."

Just then the door to their compartment slid open. Sirius looked over to see Remus and Peter smiling as they made their way in with their luggage.

"Remus! Peter!" James exclaimed.

"Hey James," Remus greeted his friend warmly, picking up his trunk and placing it on the shelf easily before doing the same for Peter without the wizard even asking. He sat down in the seat across from Sirius and quirked a grin. "Hey Sirius."

"Here Peter, take my seat," Sirius said, having found himself standing up and pushing the still standing blond into the spot beside James. He sat down beside the werewolf. "Hey Remus," he said smoothly as he eyed the wizard discreetly. Remus had grown, making him the same height as James at just six feet. His hair was lighter too the highlights in it more noticeable like he had been out in the sun all summer, his tan which was even deeper since Sirius had last seen him rounded out the look rather nicely in his opinion.

_I bet he looks even better with his shirt off now_. Sirius looked down at his own pale hands, his tan having faded mostly. He hadn't really been outside any since leaving James's. The errant thought of how their skin would look side-by-side flashed through his mind unbidden.

"Glad to be back?" Remus asked, interrupting Sirius's musing as James regaled Peter with stories of his summer after they had all left.

Sirius looked up and nodded, grinning. "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah, it's odd though," Remus said, "I always felt like my house was home even after starting school and only being there for the summer. But when I was there this time it just didn't anymore, not really. You know?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean," Sirius said, scooting closer to the wizard beside him. "I missed you," he said, intending his tone to be teasing but the words ended up coming out softly.

Remus's eyes widened slightly. "You did?"

Sirius nodded, scooting even closer until their legs were touching. He bit the inside of his lip as he noticed the wizard not moving away from him like he had expected. "Yeah, a lot. What'd you do the past month?"

"I-uh," Remus stuttered, seemingly at a loss for words. "Nothing really-"

"Are you afraid to tell him, Remus?" James asked abruptly with a wide grin on his face, Peter snickering by his side mirroring his expression. "I don't blame you."

Remus's expression dropped, and he didn't respond.

Sirius looked over to his two laughing friends as he enjoyed the feel of Remus so close to him. "Tell me what?" he asked curiously as he began to rub his leg slightly against Remus's, reveling in the jolts of excitement traveling up from where their legs touched. Maybe things would be different this year between them-

"No, James. It's private," Remus said, suddenly sounding very uncomfortable.

"Pete and I both know. You should tell him _now_. It's better than him finding out at school in front of everyone," James said, his grin growing unapologetically as Remus glared hostilely at him.

"Tell me what?" Sirius asked, turning back to the boy sitting closely beside him, his interest piqued. He smiled curiously into agitated hazel eyes.

"It's really nothing-"

"Remus and Ian are back together," Peter supplied quickly.

"What?" Sirius's eyes widened as he stared at the wizard sitting beside him, expecting him to say it was only a joke. A very bad joke.

Remus's gaze shifted to Sirius hesitantly, and he nodded his head reluctantly. "Yeah, we are, but it's not official or anything."

"What are you saying? You two were owling each other twice a day!" Peter said in what Sirius considered a punchable fashion.

Sirius shifted away from the wizard, practically leaning against the window to keep his distance. "Congratulations Remus, I'm happy for you," he said dryly. He felt an uncomfortable clenching in his chest as he fought the urge to lash out at the wizard. _He didn't even want to tell me._

"Sirius, I was going-"

"Hey James, we should buy some stuff from the trolley," Sirius said abruptly, cutting off the wizard beside him. He pulled off his jacket. He was hot. He loosened his tie. "Hey, let me wear your shirt. I can't bear this anymore," he said as he unbuttoned his own, ignoring the downcast look the werewolf was just then wearing as he stripped.

"Sirius Black in a t-shirt on the first day of school? I'll believe it when I see it," James said gamely and stood up, pulling off the shirt and tossing it at his friend before grabbing another from his luggage.

Sirius pulled on the tee. It fit more snugly on him with his larger frame. He stood up in his expensive slacks and James's t-shirt, his shaggy hair slightly mussed, holding his arms out by his sides. "How do I look?"

"Fantastic. You'll have a second boyfriend before we make it to school or maybe a girlfriend if you're feeling really adventurous," James said with a laugh, pulling on another shirt that read 'Wizards Only Fools'.

"Excellent." The tall Black heir made his way to the door, ignoring Remus's gaze and walked out into the hallway. It was going to be a good year, he was sure of it.

* * *

"And with a new school year comes new relationships, new experiences and with that inevitably new and harder decisions to be made." Dumbledore's voice echoed throughout the hushed Great Hall.

Sirius sat beside James under the cloudy night sky of the charmed ceiling, a strong wind pushing the heavy clouds along quickly. He looked from the old wizard down to his place setting, pointedly pretending the two wizards sitting across from him didn't exist. His jaw clenched. Stupid Diggory.

"The hardest and often most important decisions we must face are not of a singular nature to be made at one specific point, but instead a _resolution_ made up of a set of decisions that lead along a path," the wizard paused and his voice grew heavier with some emotion as he continued, "We must do our best to remember that the right decisions aren't always paved with the scenery of what we envision or even want but _instead_ with those things that are hardest for us to confront. It's important to know that if we push on though we _will_ be rewarded by passing those up to reach where it is we truly should be."

Sirius cleared his throat and began to fiddle with the knife on the right side of the plate in front of him. His gaze drifted over to the left of the plate and landed on his entrée fork, which was sitting neatly beside the salad fork. He sneered. Why did they always put the knife on the other side? He always used the entrée fork and knife together, what he didn't need was the bloody salad fork. He picked up the small fork and felt the distinct urge to fling it across the hall. He hated salad really. He placed the knife in the empty spot and pushed the useless utensil over to James's setting. He could have it.

"What are you doing?" James whispered in his ear.

Sirius ignored the question as the hall broke into applause, Dumbledore walking back to his seat. He looked up at his friend. "Do you have the potion on you?" he asked instead, ignoring the food that had begun to appear in the serving dishes before them.

James's lips slowly parted to reveal white teeth, the corners of his mouth curling up. "I do actually." He pulled out a small vial filled with a murky brown liquid and handed it to him. "Who do you propose we use it on? Do you have the antidote to it?"

Sirius looked over to the Slytherin table his gaze landing on a fifth year wizard who was sitting by himself reading an advanced Potions book. "No, it's still in my trunk so let's use it on Snivels, I'm sure he'll figure it out on his own." He smiled darkly. "After a while at least," he amended, causing James to let out a barking laugh.

"What is that?" A curious voice asked from across the table.

Sirius's eyes narrowed, his hand tightening around the potion as he slowly turned to meet a smiling face. "None of your _fucking_ business." 

* * *

"Promise me Sirius."

"I can't, he's a total wanker, Remus. Why did you even go back out with him?" Sirius asked sharply as he dug through his trunk the next day looking for the key to the vault his father had given him. _Stupid suits_. He needed to order some new clothes, all the outfits his parents had gotten for him for the new year were unbelievably stuffy, he felt like they were trying to suffocate him. The wizard tugged idly at his collar as he continued to search for the key, he wouldn't be surprised if they had been charmed to be that way.

Remus shook his head firmly. "No he's not. I cheated on him, remember? He had every right to break things off."

Sirius's hand found metal, his fingers wrapping around the key he had been searching for as he let out an angry laugh. "He's an idiot is what he is. And, I saw the way he was looking at me at dinner. The bloody bastard kept smiling at me."

Remus sighed. "And what's wrong with that exactly?"

Sirius stood up quickly, his hand clenched tightly around the vault key. "Really Remus? Really? You _really_ need to ask me that?"

Remus's lips pressed together in a tight line, his eyebrows raising in a questioning manner.

Sirius huffed. "Well, it was obviously a _mean_ smile. What kind of bloke smiles at the wizard who snogged his boyfriend?"

The werewolf started to laugh as he shook his head. "That's _absolutely_ ridiculous. You're just looking for a reason not to like him." He turned away from the wizard.

"I don't have to look, I can't fucking stand him _already_! He didn't want you to be friends with me anymore, Remus! What would you do if Greg had said that?" Sirius shouted at the wizard's back. Maybe he was being ridiculous, but he really didn't fucking care.

Remus sat down on his bed and sighed. "Listen, Sirius, you don't have to be civil with him, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd try." He looked up at him. "It'd mean a lot to me."

Sirius felt himself waver as he looked into softly pleading hazel eyes. He growled in frustration and walked over to the werewolf's bed, sitting down beside him. "Why Remus? Tell me why."

"Why what?" the sandy blond asked hesitantly.

" _Why_ did you take him back?" He hated the thought of the older wizard trying to force Remus into something, breaking up with him when he wouldn't cave, and then just asking him back as soon as he realized Remus wasn't going to change his mind.

Remus ran a hand into his hair. "Because. Because I still like him, Sirius," he said quietly.

The wizard pushed himself up and nodded tersely, pretending that the sharp pain in his chest wasn't there. He was being an idiot. What had he expected him to say? " _Fine_ , I won't be mean, but I'm not going to be nice either."

Remus nodded and stood up. "That's all I ask." Sirius turned and began to make his way for the door. "Wait, where are you going?"

" _Out_."

"But I thought we were going-" The door slammed shut, cutting off the werewolf's response.

* * *

"Shit, I think you've bruised me," Greg said as he studied his side closely with the aid of his wand, red curtains blocking out the moonlight.

Sirius sighed, his hand reaching out and fingers gently brushing over the skin he had bitten. He knew he had been a little rough with the Slytherin. "Sorry. Do you want me to spell it for you?"

"No, it's okay," Greg said with a soft laugh as he settled down on the bed beside the wizard, pulling the blanket up to his waist. "Something bothering you? You seemed a bit worked up."

Sirius pulled on his pants and rolled over onto his side, turning away from him. "No, I'm just tired from practice. James has lost his mind since becoming captain," he said quietly. The bed shifted as the wizard scooted closer to him, an arm wrapping around his waist and a soft kiss pressing between his shoulder blades, but he felt little comfort from the touch.

"How was your summer?"

Sirius closed his eyes. "Too bloody long."

"Sorry," the wizard responded.

He let out a quiet breath. "So what are you doing this weekend?" he asked, not wanting to discuss the break.

"Ah, well my mum is coming to take me out tomorrow night for dinner actually. Do you want to come along?" the wizard asked in a somewhat hesitant tone.

Sirius blinked. Greg's birthday. "Shit, I'm sorry but I can't tomorrow. James scheduled an extra practice and then I'll probably just have an early night," he lied, rolling back to face him. Of course the wizard's birthday would be on the full. "I can do something Saturday though for your birthday."

The Slytherin studied him for a moment and then nodded slightly. "Yeah okay," he said softly and scooted closer to him.

Sirius wrapped an arm around the wizard and let out a deep breath as guilt and frustration mixed together in his chest. "I'm sorry," he said again.


	48. Chapter 48

"Feeling okay there, Moony?" Sirius stood early the next morning by his trunk shirtless buttoning his slacks as he watched Remus, who was sitting on his bed, try for the fifth time to push his left foot into his right shoe.

The werewolf nodded, his eyes barely open. "Yeah, I'm fine." He growled, cursing under his breath and tried to shove his foot into the shoe more forcefully.

Sirius quirked a small grin and made his way over. He crouched down in front of his friend and grabbed the wizard's right foot with one hand and picked up his shoe with the other. "Let me help you," he said as he slid the somewhat smashed shoe over his foot. He laced it quickly and then began to search the floor for its missing partner. He leaned over further to search under his bed, his eyes alighting on the shoe. "Ah, found it."

"Thanks Padfoot."

Sirius stilled for a moment, his hand resting on the shoe. His heart skipped a beat as he looked up to meet the werewolf's gaze. "What'd you call me?" he asked, slowly pulling back with the shoe in his hand.

Remus shot him a look of confusion. "I said thanks."

Sirius shook his head. "No. You said, thanks _Padfoot_."

"Oh. Did I?" Remus asked, looking away from him. "That's your nickname isn't it? I mean, I thought—James has been calling you that all week and... sorry. I'm sorry." He reached down and took the shoe from him and began to put it on himself. "I won't call you it again," he said quickly as he tried to tie the laces, his fumbling fingers only managing in knotting them. " _Shit_."

Sirius's hands settled on his fingers, stopping them. "No, that's not what I meant," he said. Hazel eyes slowly met his. "It's just, I've just never heard you say it before." The left side of his mouth pushed up into a sideways smile as his mind replayed the name in the werewolf's smooth voice.

He brushed Remus's hands away gently and proceeded to unknot the laces and then tie them properly before pushing up to walk back over to his side of the room, a small smile still playing at his lips as he stopped in front of his trunk. He pulled out a shirt, eyed it with regret and pulled the sleeve over his arm. He couldn't wait for his new clothes to arrive. He wondered how long it would take.

"So I can call you Padfoot?"

Sirius looked over at the wizard as he pushed in his other arm, his eyebrows pushing together as he eyed the nervous werewolf. "Of course you can. Why wouldn't you?" He fixed his collar, smoothing it down.

Remus rubbed at his neck. "Well, we've just been fighting a lot lately since school started..."

Sirius stopped, his shirt still unbuttoned, and he walked back over to the wizard. He sat down beside him. He wanted to blame him, tell him it was because of Diggory, that he was the reason and everything would be perfect if it wasn't for that. But he knew it wasn't true. Not really anyway. "Sorry, I've been an arse this week, haven't I?"

Remus's eyebrows furrowed. "No, no I've been a git. I'm sorry. You've been fine. Really."

"No, I haven't." Sirius laughed softly, the werewolf shrugging his shoulders in silent acquiescence. "You know, I really do like it when you call me Padfoot," he said with a small grin, bumping his knee into his friend's leg playfully. "You should do it more often."

"Yeah?" the werewolf asked hesitantly.

Sirius bit his lip as he nodded, stopping himself from saying anymore. He stood up and walked back over to his bed, chastising himself for the emotions that had flooded him and made him act like a stupid fool just because of the simple name. He needed to move on. He cleared his throat. "Are you nervous about tonight?"

Remus sighed heavily. "You guys aren't serious about joining me, are you? It sounds dangerous - even if you are animals."

Sirius picked up a dark green tie and draped it around his neck, not fixing it up. "It'll be fine. Dumbledore said it would, remember?"

Remus pushed himself up slowly, his face contorting in a look of discomfort. "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure he meant an experienced animagus, not you and James and Peter. Peter just got his this morning," he said as he walked tiredly over to his trunk and leaned over to get his books. "Where are James and Peter anyway?"

Sirius grabbed a few books and tossed them in his bag, answering in a forced casual manner. "Breakfast. You're being really slow this morning. They left when you were trying to put on your shirt backwards."

The werewolf looked down at his body. "It looks fine to me," he said defensively.

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, because I fixed it for you." He frowned and then glanced over, his dark eyebrows furrowing as he studied the werewolf again more closely. He looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Remus nodded and stood up, staggering to the side and grabbing the post to his bed to steady him. "I'm great. I just need to get to class."

Sirius tossed his bag on his bed and strode forward. He looped an arm around the sandy blond. "No, I think you need to lie back down," he said, guiding him the few steps back to his bed. He helped him sit down carefully, the werewolf still protesting even as he dropped back onto the bed and then curled up on his side. Sirius pulled his shoes back off quickly and tugged the blanket over him. "Don't worry, we'll take notes for you."

"Sirius, can you..."

Sirius stood up quietly, knowing what the wizard was going to ask. The present he had for Greg weighed heavily in his pocket. He really shouldn't. He could ask Diggory to lie with him, he was his boyfriend. "Get some rest," he said softly, his hand brushing a lock of hair back that had fallen into his face.

"Sirius?" The werewolf looked up at him, his gaze soft and needy, making the wizard feel as if it shot straight through him.

"Yeah Remus?" he asked in almost a whisper. He shouldn't stay. It just confused him to lie next to him, to hug him, it was too much. It made him feel like they were together - but they weren't. He swallowed hard as his chest ached.

"Could you stay... just for a little bit?"

Sirius felt the ache in his chest increase, clamping down on his heart. _No. Say no_. He found himself nodding before he could get the words out. "Yeah sure, Remus," he said and climbed in next to the werewolf. He closed his eyes as the wizard scooted closer to him, the discomfort in his chest growing exponentially.

"I'm sorry," the werewolf whispered, his words sounding pained.

Sirius wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer, forcing out the words, "No, don't apologize." He leaned his head against the wizard's and breathed in deeply, embracing the pain. He could handle it for Remus. "It's fine."

* * *

"Hey, happy birthday," Sirius said as he stood at the Slytherin table, looking down at Greg who was sitting beside a dark-haired witch he didn't recognize eating lunch.

The Slytherin looked up and shot him a smile. "Thanks Sirius, sit with me." He moved his bag off the seat beside him and onto the floor. "Where have you been today?"

"Slept in, sorry." He sat down in the open seat. He pulled out a small box from his pocket and placed it on the table in front of the wizard.

"What's this?"

Sirius laughed. "A gift to celebrate your aging, I believe they're referred to as birthday presents."

Greg looked over to him in surprise. "You got me a birthday present?"

Sirius scooted closer and said softly, "Of course I did." He watched the wizard reach out and touch the black parchment wrapping. "It's not cursed," he joked tensely.

"No. No I know... Should I open it here?" he asked somewhat cautiously.

Sirius's gaze flitted around the table to see discreet glances and whispers aimed in their general direction. He thought about the rather expensive gift and what type of reaction it might garner before saying, "You can wait if you'd prefer."

The wizard nodded and picked up the gift and placed it in his pocket. He quirked a small grin that seemed almost apologetic the way his gaze met his hesitantly. "Thanks Sirius." He then turned to the witch and began to talk to her again, picking up their conversation from before, his hand under the table rubbing the side of the Gryffindor's knee gently.

Sirius looked around the Slytherin table, the wizards all quietly eating and making small talk, reminding him of his meals at home. He cleared his throat and pushed himself up out of the seat suddenly feeling out of place and agitated because of it. "You know I'm not actually hungry. I'm just going to go."

The wizard looked up, shooting him an indecipherable look. "All right... I'll see you before I go?"

Sirius shook his head, grimacing slightly. He and James and Peter were planning to practice their animagi some more after class and come up with some sort of plan for dealing with Remus if things went wrong. "Actually I'm going to be pretty busy all day today, but I'm completely free tomorrow."

The Slytherin shot him a long look, his expression indiscernible. "All right," he paused and then added, "Be careful in practice."

Sirius let out a laugh, hiding his discomfort at the lie. "Me? Careful? I don't know if that's possible," he said in a forced light tone.

The wizard smiled tightly. "Yeah, I guess not."

* * *

"Hmmm..."

"Yeah..."

"I'm thinking that we should go with _this_ one," Sirius said as he stood in the middle of the dorm beside James holding up a poster of two muggle girls in bikinis straddled over what Peter had told him was a motorbike; which evidently was an auto like he had seen in Muggle London but with only two wheels and was open to the air - and was _much_ faster. Like a broom that couldn't fly, Peter had said. He smiled at the thought, it sounded much nicer than the stuffy car he and James had ridden in to the pub.

James pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he leaned in to study the photo more closely and nodded his approval. "It's really too bad they don't move," he said.

Sirius grinned slowly as he eyed the shiny silver and black motorbike and spoke up in a husky voice, " _Yeah_ , can you imagine that machine in action? Talk about sexy."

James laughed. "I really do question sometimes if you're not just completely gay," he said as he took the poster from Sirius and looked around the room. "Where should we put it?"

Sirius hopped onto his bed, startling Peter who was sitting at the foot of it eating a chocolate doughnut. He dropped back onto his pillow and gazed up at his blank ceiling. "I know the perfect place," he said with an impish grin. He held his hands up above him as if he were picturing the poster and his smile grew. "Right over my bed so I can wank to it."

Peter laughed. "To the motorcycle or the girls?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe both." He frowned in thought. "Either of you know a good sticking charm?" He hummed in disapproval when both wizards said they didn't. "We'll have to find one."

James walked over and sat down beside Peter, taking the last bite of the wizard's doughnut from him and tossing it in his mouth. "Yeah. A _really_ good one in case McGonagall finds out about it," he said around the food in his mouth.

Sirius nodded as his mind shifted to picture his own blank walls at Twelve Grimmauld Place. Maybe he could put some Gryffindor things up in his room when he went home for Christmas. His parents _had_ given up on him switching to Slytherin quite a while back.

"So what are we going to do about tonight?" Peter asked in a nervous voice finally voicing the subject they had all been avoiding.

"Well, we're going to make sure Remus is distracted enough not to attack himself, right?" James asked in an uncharacteristically hesitant tone.

Sirius sat up, glancing between his two friends. "Yeah, maybe you and I should meet his wolf before Peter," he said to James. "According to Dumbledore he _should_ be more receptive to me, so I can go first."

James nodded. "Sounds good. We'll wait until he transforms and then just take it slow, and if things go bad-" he cut off, not seeming to know what to say.

"It won't," Sirius spoke up quickly. "Remus won't hurt us," he said, James nodding reluctantly after a moment and then Peter joining in after him.

The three wizards looked between each other as the mood grew heavy in the dorm.

* * *

"Okay. So, we stick to the plan," James said in a tense voice as he stood beside Sirius and Peter. The three wizards were standing in the living room of the Shrieking Shack, the sun slowly dipping in the sky outside.

"Right," Peter said quickly, his voice two octaves higher than usual, his gaze darting around the dust-covered and partially mangled room.

Sirius nodded slightly when James pinned him with an expectant look. "Yeah, the plan," he mumbled. He didn't know why they didn't try to make the place look nicer for Remus. It was depressing with all the dirt and stains and chewed furniture and... blood. He hadn't expected there to be so much blood. Why didn't anyone clean it up? Sirius swallowed hard as he studied a patch of wall with dried blood smeared all over it. What had Remus done to himself?

"Sirius. _The plan_ ," James said again more forcefully.

Sirius nodded in an agitated fashion. "That's what I just _said_ , James." His gaze flitted over to the stairs again. He didn't know why they had to be downstairs while Remus transformed upstairs. _He's all alone. What if he hurts himself before we get to him?_ He chewed on the inside of his cheek.

"I really need to take a slash," he said suddenly and began to walk towards the stairs. "I'll be right back guys," he called over his shoulder as he began to take the steps two-by-two. He stopped at the top and eyed the bathroom directly in front of him for half a second and then turned on his heel and began to walk down the creaky hallway, doing his best to make his steps blend in with the noise of the house's constant settling as his friend's panting pulled his feet closer towards the room at the end of the hall.

"Sirius. Sirius get back here!" James whispered harshly from the landing halfway up the stairs.

The wizard ignored him as he stopped just outside the room where Remus said he transformed, his gaze settling on a bent over figure. The werewolf was crouched over in pain, holding his stomach and groaning between gasps.

" _Remus_." He pushed the door open all the way and step inside.

The werewolf's gaze jerked over. " _Sirius_ ," he gasped out and tried to stand upright but stumbled forward a few steps and then dropped down to his knees, his legs looking like they had given out. He let out a low groan and leaned over again, his arms wrapping around his sides as if he were trying to hold himself together.

"S-Sirius. Sirius g-go!" the werewolf cried out through uneven breaths.

The wizard took a step forward as the room continued to darken. "Remus," he whispered as he continued to approach not able to stop himself, his legs moving of their own volition.

The werewolf's form convulsed, and he fell forward onto his hands, his teeth chattering and eyes wide with fear. " _G-goo_!" He let out a whimper and then his arms crumpled underneath him, and he fell down onto his side, lying on the hard floor.

Sirius dropped down onto his knees, noting that the closer he got the less the werewolf shook. "Let me help you," he said quietly, placing a hand on his friend's damp forehead. "It'll be okay."

Remus's eyes fell shut and a small sigh escaped from his lips, the werewolf relaxing under the touch for a few beats before his face contorted in pain, and he groaned again. "No, it won't, I'm not going to make it this time. I'm going to die. I - I can _feel_ it."

Sirius lowered down onto dusty floorboards, facing his friend and wrapped an arm around his side. "No, I won't let you. It'll be over soon."

The wizard's eyes opened, shifting between the darkness and warm hazel eyes. "I'm scared. What if. What if I hurt you guys?"

Sirius shook his head. "You won't." He placed his other hand on the werewolf's chest, over his heart, the beat growing faster with each thud. "It'll be fine. You'll see. I'll make sure of it."

Remus scooted closer as his body began to shake again, his feverish body pressing against cool skin. "It's going to happen soon. I can, I can feel it. Shit. Shit. Don't go, please don't go," the werewolf pleaded, his hands grabbing onto the wizard's body as they shook.

"I won't." Sirius swallowed hard, anxiety fluttering in his chest as he tried to concentrate on what he had to do when the transformation began.

Suddenly the dark room began to fill with a deathly, yellow light and Remus let out a strangled cry, his fingers tightening around Sirius's sides as if he wanted to crush him as his own body began to break instead.

Sirius held back a gasp as he watched the wizard begin to transform, his hands losing their grip as they began to shift. Change. He scooted back some as his friend began to disappear, a huge wolf slowly taking him over. He scooted back some more, running into a wall, his mind drawing a blank as a fully-formed grey wolf slowly rose onto all four its intelligent, amber gaze focused solely on him. He had seen it before. He knew it well. It was the darkness that called to him. The wolf took a pointed step towards him, its head dipping to bring their gazes level.

"R-Remus?" he asked, his voice hoarse and his breathing labored as he searched for some vestige of his friend, a feeling of loss flooding him. He shoved it down. No, he would be back. He would.

The wolf took another step closer, its eyes softening for only a second before its muzzle wrinkled, pulling lips back to expose large teeth, and a deep growl rumbled in its chest as the fur on its back stood on end in a menacing manner.

Sirius blinked and pinned his ears back, his own teeth baring in warning. He startled, trying to take a step to the side, stumbling slightly when two sets of long legs followed the instructions and realized he was on four. He was in his dog form. He felt his hackles raise in response to the wolf's aggressive stance, the draft from the window passing between the lifted black hairs as the werewolf continued to approach, its head lowered and movement predatory as its oversized paws fell almost silent on the hardwood. The dog snarled and then snapped its teeth, causing the wolf to pause in its approach.

Yellowish-orange eyes studied him warily and then began to sniff at the air experimentally, its ears slowly relaxing.

The animagus's fur slowly smoothed, and he took a step forward, sniffing tentatively in response, his tail wagging gently. Remus's scent was still there under the wolf's smell.

The wolf began to move close again, its movements more quiet than the dog's as it walked around him, still sniffing as it circled. It stopped directly by Sirius's face and nudged him with the tip of its snout in a seemingly friendly gesture.

Sirius turned and squared his body in a playful manner, the wolf tilting its head in response and then licking the side of his face. His tongue rolled out in a doggish grin, and he let out a happy yip as his tail began to swish more quickly. A huff from the door drew their attention.

A large stag stood in the hallway, pawing impatiently at the floorboards in front of the room, its antlers too wide to fit through the doorway as a rat sat perched on top of one.

The dog trotted over and looked up at the stag, his gaze meeting familiar twinkling hazel eyes. He glanced over his shoulder to see the werewolf's tail relaxed as it eyed the two newcomers with a friendly curiosity. The dog let his head fall back and let loose an excited howl, the wolf behind him joining in.


	49. Chapter 49

"I'm still not drunk," James slurred as he sat on the floor beside Sirius, the wizards leaning against James's bed sharing a celebratory bottle of firewhiskey the day after the full moon. The night had gone smoothly, Remus's wolf quickly taking to all the animagi - even Peter's rat - which had been a concern for all the wizards.

"Me neither." Sirius laughed and took the half-empty bottle from his hand, tilting his head back and taking a swig. He felt unbelievably lighter knowing Remus wouldn't be in danger any longer with their help. "I can't believe we did it. Remus barely had a scratch on him this morning."

James nodded, leaning his head back and smiling. "Yeah, I'm glad you talked me into it. He looked better than I've ever seen him after a full." He looked over to the wizard, tilting his head to the side as he studied him.

Sirius took another drink, catching the wizard's pointed look as he drank. He set the bottle on the floor between his legs and lifted dark eyebrows. "What?" he asked in a wary voice.

James shrugged and slung an arm around the wizard's shoulders, pulling him closer. "I saw what you did for Remus last night, how you helped him out. You're a really good friend, Sirius. To Remus - and me and Peter too, I mean."

Sirius felt a warmth flood his chest as a smile tugged at his lips before letting out a laugh and shaking his head as he shoved the wizard away. "You mate, _are_ pissed."

James laughed quietly, grabbing the bottle from in front of Sirius. "Yeah, maybe I am." He sniffed and began to pick at the label on the bottle. "I asked Evans out after Transfiguration on Friday."

Sirius looked over. "Yeah?"

James nodded. He shot Sirius a tight grin, the expression not making it to his eyes. "Yeah, seems she still can't handle her feelings for me."

Sirius held back a grimace, mirroring the wizard's expression instead. "She must be _really_ hot for you."

James's grin turned more genuine. "Yeah, I feel sorry for her."

Sirius let out a barking laugh as he pushed himself up. "I'm bloody hungry, we should have eaten lunch before we started drinking," the wizard said, rubbing a hand over his shaggy black hair as he scanned the room for something to eat. His gaze landed on Remus's closed trunk. "Think Moony has some chocolate?"

James stood up. "Let's check, shall we?"

Sirius walked over to the trunk, dropping to his knees, James following suit. He tested the latch, a slow grin pushing up his lips when it opened without the need of an unlocking charm. He tsked as he began to rummage through the wizard's belongings. "Remus is far too trustworthy."

"He'll learn some day," James said in agreement, reaching a hand in the trunk, the two wizards searching carelessly through their friend's neatly kept chest.

"What the fuck is _this_?"

* * *

"How long?"

Remus blinked, the quill in his right hand stilling as he looked up from his potions homework to see Sirius and James standing in front of his library table side-by-side with matching dark looks directed at him. "I'm sorry?"

"How," James paused, taking in a deep breath as if he had been overcome by some emotion and then continued, "long, Remus?"

" _How long_?" Remus shot a look of incomprehension between the two wizards, James swaying ever so slightly and Sirius's hand reaching out and resting on his arm to steady him. He frowned and sniffed the air experimentally, his gaze narrowing. "Have you two been drinking?"

"No," James said, shaking his head adamantly and then stopping and blinking slowly with a confused look overtaking his expression, Sirius's hand tightening around his arm.

"How long did you think you could keep it a secret?" Sirius asked, not seeming to hear the wizard's question.

Remus began to shake his head slowly, sandy brows furrowed. "I don't know..."

"What. You thought we wouldn't find out?" James let out a weak laugh, shaking his head. "He must think us bloody fools, Sirius."

"It's okay James." Sirius patted the wizard on his shoulder gently, shooting the werewolf a look of disappointment. "Look, look what you've _done_ to him, Remus."

"Guys, I really-"

" _This_!" Sirius cut him off as he flung down a red badge dramatically onto the table and on top of the werewolf's parchment. "We found it when we were searching through your trunk this morning." He let out a breathy laugh. "Imagine our surprise."

"You - you were _searching_ through my things?" Remus asked sharply, grabbing the prefect badge and shoving it in his slacks' pocket.

"Yeah we were and good thing too," Sirius said, sniffing in an unapologetic fashion and crossing his arms over his chest as the werewolf's gaze grew increasingly icy. "When were you planning on telling us, Remus? Before or _after_ you deducted points from us for hexing Snivels?"

James's eyes widened in horror, and he covered his mouth, a strangled noise sounding in his throat. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"You know I wouldn't do that." Remus shot James a look of concern. "Is he all right?"

"Yeah, we're just pissed," Sirius said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner and then looked away sharply. "Go ahead and write us up, _Prefect Lupin_."

"What?" Remus stopped, appearing as if he were struggling with a response and growled. " _First off_ , I'm not going to write you up, Sirius! And second, why in the _hell_ are you drinking? It's not even two!" he whispered the words harshly.

Sirius shook his head. "You'd like me to tell you that, wouldn't you?" He let out a sad laugh and grabbed a pale-faced James and turned away with him.

* * *

"Shit, James, _shit_ ," Sirius said excitedly.

James looked over to Sirius, meeting his gaze and grinned. "Or fuck."

"No, bloody hell," Sirius responded, shaking his head forcefully.

"Yeah, but cock." James lifted his eyebrows in an unimpressed manner. The two wizards glared at each other.

" _What._ " Remus paused and shot his two friends, who were sitting across from him at the Gryffindor table, disapproving looks. "Are you two _doing_?"

Sirius shrugged and took a bite of chicken, chewing slowly before answering the werewolf in a lazy drawl, "It's mine and James's new code so you don't know what we're talking about."

Peter sniggered by Remus's side as he scooped another helping of pudding onto his plate.

James nodded, shooting the werewolf a defiant look. "Yeah, you haven't been helping us with any of our pranks lately. So we don't trust you anymore."

Remus sighed, shooting a glance down at his badge that he was required to wear since going through the two-week prefect training. "I didn't really help you guys that much before you know. It's not like you need my help." He shot a quick glance down the table at a certain red-headed witch before saying in a more hushed tone, "And anyway, you two have been targeting Lily far too much, and she's my partner for rounds."

Sirius nodded. "That's why we've been targeting her. James and I think you two have gotten too chummy for our taste." He wrapped an arm around his best mate's shoulders. "Right, Prongs?"

"Exact-" James's eyebrows narrowed, and he looked over slowly. " _Prongs_?"

Sirius grinned cheekily. "Yeah. Do you like it? It's your nickname. I figured it was only fair since you named me."

The wizard quirked his lips to the side as he sucked on his teeth. "What's it mean?"

"It's like a point. You know, because you've got antlers," he said, motioning at his own head. "You're all pointy."

James let out a loud laugh. "Prongs, eh?" He sniffed as he thought, his head slowly starting to nod as a smile broke across his face, his chest puffing out. "I kind of like it. It sounds manly."

Remus shook his head, laughing begrudgingly. "It's a verb too, means stab or pierce, it is kind of fitting I suppose."

James's smile grew, his eyes trailing down and landing on Remus's prefect partner, the witch shooting him a glare when he winked at her. " _Yeah_ , I like it a lot. You know who I'd like to _prong?"_ He didn't wait for a response _. "_ Evans - right over the table. Have you seen how short her skirt is today?"

Sirius let out a barking laugh as Remus sighed and looked down at his plate.

Peter shifted in his seat before speaking up, "What about me?"

The three wizards looked over to him, Sirius holding back a smirk and James shuddering.

"You three have a nickname. I need one too," he said somewhat hesitantly with all his friends looking at him.

Sirius arched an eyebrow and hummed in thought. "He's got a point," he said slowly as he racked his brain for a suitable name. "What do you think, Prongs?"

Remus spoke up quickly, "Maybe I should pick it. Since I haven't chosen one yet."

James let out a slow breath. "What about Ratface?" he asked Sirius as if Remus hadn't spoken, causing Peter's eyes to widen impossibly large.

"Actually, uh, maybe-"

"No." Sirius shook his head, Peter sighing in relief. "I think that's a little too obvious. What about... Wormtail?"

Remus blinked slowly, James laughing into his drink. Peter looked like he wanted to say something but instead sat quietly, an unsure look settling on his features.

Sirius tossed a potato in his mouth, grinning as he chewed. "It's good, yeah?" 

* * *

"Bloody hell, Remus," Sirius said through pained laughter as he walked with his arm slung tiredly around the werewolf's shoulder, James and Peter having already made their way up to the dorm ahead of them. "You did a number on me."

It was the morning after just the third moon the animagi wizards had spent with Remus. The night before they had made the unanimous decision, minus Remus, to take the werewolf outside so they could have a run. It had gone well until the wolf had smelled something and tried to take off without his animagi escort. Sirius had succeeded in stopping him, but not before he and the determined wolf had gotten into a small scuffle, leaving him with a sizable scratch below the left side of his ribs and a large number of bruises.

"I'm really sorry about that, Sirius. Maybe you _should_ see Madam Pomfrey," Remus said, his voice one of soft concern as they made their way up the last few stairs to the tower.

Sirius shook his head firmly. He knew the sharp mediwitch would figure out what had happened rather quickly. "No. No, it'll be fine. You can use some of the spells you know on me, and it'll heal. It's not even that bad."

Remus hummed in disapproval as he continued to lead the wizard down the hallway. He stopped suddenly.

Sirius leaned his face into the werewolf's neck and breathed in deeply, his eyes falling shut. "Mmm... You smell good this morning, Moony."

"Sirius..." He moved to pull away.

Sirius grabbed onto him and pulled him closer again, wrapping his arms around him in protest. "No, I need your help, I'm wounded."

"Sirius, stop. Greg."

Sirius's hands stilled, and he took a small step away, looking over to the Gryffindor portrait to see the Slytherin leaning against the wall with his gaze trained coolly on the two wizards. He forced an easy smile at the clearly unhappy Slytherin. "Greg, what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," the wizard responded curtly, no smile alighting his face and his gaze shifting solely to the tall wizard.

Remus ran a hand up to his neck as he glanced between the two wizards. "Uh, I'll let you guys talk." The two wizards stood quietly until the portrait slung shut, leaving them minus one head of sandy blond hair.

Sirius began to approach the wizard. "Hey, wh-"

"Where _were_ you?" Greg asked sharply.

Sirius stopped at the wizard's harsh tone, a few feet still separating them. "I was just out with Remus. No big deal," he said softly.

The Slytherin pushed off the wall. "No _big deal_?" He spat the question.

Sirius blinked. "Something wrong?"

Greg took a step forward, his eyes narrowing. "Yes, there's _something bloody wrong_! You might not care about your safety, but I _do_ , Sirius. What are you _thinking_? Have you gone absolutely mad?"

Sirius studied the wizard closely, suspicion slowing his response. "What does that mean?" he asked cautiously. He grimaced when his side throbbed, his hand moving up to hold it gently.

The Slytherin's gaze snapped down at the movement, and he reached out and grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up before the wizard could stop him. "You've been _hurt_."

Sirius forced out a laugh, the action making his side throb worse. "It's fine, it looks much worse than-"

" _Stop_ ," the wizard said tersely as he pulled out his wand, his lips pressed in a thin line and his hand noticeably shaking as he began to knit the skin back together.

Sirius growled when the spell stung his skin, blowing out a slow breath as the pain began to subside, the wound healing completely to his surprise. He studied the wizard's impressive spellwork. "Where did you learn that?"

The wizard let out a slow uneven breath as he quickly scanned his chest for other wounds. "Snape."

Sirius's jaw clenched, any feelings of gratitude disappearing at the Slytherin's name. "Why do you talk to that asshole?"

Greg let the shirt drop and put his wand back, ignoring the wizard's question and dark expression. "Sirius, promise me you won't do this again."

Sirius smiled innocently again despite the lingering pain and growing irritation. "Do what, Greg? Remus and I were just out flying, and I flew a little too close to the Whomping Willow, that's all."

"You're lying to me," the wizard said point blank before continuing in a quiet voice, his words tight with emotion, "Those were _claw marks_ , Sirius. You could have been _killed_. _Remus_ could have killed you, and you're too bloody thick to see it."

Grey eyes hardened, narrowing as he took a step closer to the wizard. He couldn't know. "What the _fuck_ does that mean?"

Greg shot a quick look around the empty hallway before his gaze landed back on the wizard in front of him. He licked his lips in an uncharacteristically nervous fashion, suddenly appearing somewhat unsure as he began in a strained tone, "Sirius, I know... I know about Remus's condition, that he's a wer-"

"You don't fucking know _anything,_ Zabini," Sirius hissed, cutting him off, not wanting to hear him say it, his mind racing. How had he found out? Was it his fault? Had he said something to tip him off?

The wizard nodded slowly, his gaze dropping and his voice following suit, "I do. I've known for some time. I'm not going to tell anyone though... I wouldn't do that."

The Gryffindor took another step closer, his voice turning cold and his gaze darkening, as he glared at the wizard who knew Remus's secret. "I know you won't," he paused before continuing, his voice growing even colder, "because if you _do_ — I'll make sure you regret it."

"Right," Greg said quietly, and he shook his head ever so slightly. "Right. I should have known." He looked up at him then, the expression behind his eyes too torn to make out. "I'm sorry Sirius, but I _really_ can't do this anymore."

Sirius felt his chest clench. He reached out to pull the wizard closer, but he moved away. "Can't do what?" he asked, hoping he was misunderstanding. "I'm sorry. I - I didn't mean that. I swear."

The Slytherin laughed, the sound cutting through the air harshly. "Yeah, you did. You would do _anything_ for Remus. Even something that would make it so he never wanted anything to do with you again."

"Greg wait, listen," Sirius said in a rush, anxiety forcing out his words as the threat of rejection suddenly loomed over him like an axe, "I'm just really tired, I wasn't thinking, I was up all night and-" He stopped suddenly when he noticed the closed-off expression on the other boy's face. "Tomorrow's my birthday," he said weakly.

Greg nodded, looking away. "I know... I'm sorry for that."And Sirius felt a sudden surge of anger rise in his chest.

" _Fine_. Just go. I don't bloody _need_ you," he scoffed, "I could have anyone I want, Zabini. _Anyone_."

Greg nodded slightly. "That's probably true," he said quietly again, pausing to meet his gaze before continuing, "I'm not so sure if you can keep them though."

Sirius's jaw clenched. " _Fuck you_. You're _nothing_ to me." He glared at him, his eyes dark as something twinged in his stomach and ached in his chest, making him want to take the words back. He ignored it.

The wizard shook his head, his gaze dropping. "Sirius... You need to be more careful, or you might just end up one day losing everyone who's ever cared about you — including Remus," he said, the wizard's name following from his lips softly. He looked up at him once more, and then turned away.

Sirius watched as the wizard walked down the hallway, away from him, a feeling of loss aching in his chest and mixing with the guilt-ridden emotion of relief.

He turned and hit the wall with his fist.

* * *

"So, how did your injury travel from your side to your hand?" Remus asked in a quiet tone, his eyes focused on the bruised and swollen knuckles as he worked the spells to mend them after already healing a few minor fractures.

"Magic," Sirius said in a cool voice, his gaze trained over the werewolf's shoulder on the window in their dorm as the wizard turned his hand over to check his palm for any scratches.

"Greg seemed upset."

Sirius pulled his hand away. "I think you've got it. Thanks Remus." He stood up from his friend's bed and made his way over to his trunk, flexing his hand to check if he could use it in practice.

"Sirius..."

"Hm?" The wizard began to rifle through his possessions. He looked up when his friend didn't respond. "What?"

Remus shook his head and his gaze dropped to the floor in front of his feet. "I won't be here tonight, just so you know."

Sirius's hand wrapped around his bat. He stood up slowly. "Why not? Where else would you be?" The werewolf looked up, his expression saying what he could not. "You're staying with Diggory?" Sirius heard himself ask. No. No. _Say no._

"Yeah."

Sirius nodded slowly, careful to keep the feelings welling in his chest from exposing themselves outwardly. "Ah. All right then. Good for you-"

"Sirius-"

"Listen, I got t'go, I have practice, and James'll bitch if I'm late. I'll see you tomorrow. You're still going to Hogsmeade with us?" His heart pounded in his throat. Remus was _not_ his. He never had been. He tried to swallow but ended up coughing.

Remus nodded slowly. "Yeah... I just. I know it's rotten of me to tell you this way."

Sirius let out a hollow laugh as he walked to the door, bat in hand. "I don't know what you're talking about. So you're going to shag Diggory, that's not any of my business." He grabbed the handle of the door. "Have fun," he said, calling the last two words over his shoulder in feigned nonchalance.

* * *

Sirius walked down the hallway beside James, his eyes glazing over the crowds as they made their way back to the dorm after a brutal practice. "We should find Snivels tonight, I heard him tell Evans in Potions he would be at the library late studying."

James nodded. "Yeah sure, I owe him a hex after this morning. Can you believe he called _me_ a git?" Sirius didn't respond, his gaze trained straight ahead. James landed a hand on his shoulder. "You okay, mate?"

Sirius shrugged the hand off his shoulder. "I'm great. You know, I was thinking we should have a party in the common room this year."

"Yeah, you know that sounds good. Maybe Evans will come."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, right."

"No, I can't. I'm busy tonight with Remus."

Sirius stopped mid-step at the words, his head snapping towards the voice to see a grinning blue and silver clad wizard strolling towards him. The wizard's shoulder brushed up against his as he passed, bumping him.


	50. Chapter 50

"You _fucking_ bastard! I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU! Let me go James! Let me _go_!"

"Sirius! Sirius no, calm down!" James shouted as he fought to hold his friend back, his arms wrapped tightly around the struggling wizard's shoulders as he strained to get to the Ravenclaw pushing himself off the floor in front of the doors of the Great Hall, wizards and witches from all Houses stopping to watch.

"What is wrong with you, Black?" Ian Diggory asked with a look of disdain as he stood up, brushing dirt off of his clothes.

"You! You stupid _motherfucker_!" Sirius let out a roar as he fought to get loose of James's hold, the Ravenclaw taking a step back at the sound. "You ran into me _on purpose_! I'll murder you in your sleep! I will! And if I can't get in your bloody dorm, I'll _pay_ someone to murder you!"

" _Sirius, shut up_!" James shouted, pulling the growling wizard back even further, backing them towards the main steps. "He doesn't mean that. He really doesn't mean that," James said partially to the gobsmacked Ravenclaw but mostly to the growing crowd, laughing as he used all his strength to drag his unwilling and wide-eyed friend further away from the seventh-year Ravenclaw and his two friends.

"I _do_!" Sirius spat, his gaze narrowing as a smile curled up the corners of his lips. "You better watch yourself, Diggory! You're dead! Dead, I tell you!"

Dark laughter filled the hallway as Sirius finally gave in and let James jerk him up the stairway.

* * *

"What the _hell_ was that?" James shouted as he shoved Sirius out into the open air of the astronomy tower. He stood, breathing heavily and blocking the entryway as if he didn't completely trust the wizard not to make a run for it.

"I know," Sirius shouted back, pacing in front of the banister. "Can you believe that asshole?"

James blinked. He ran a hand up into his hair, mussing his hair as he looked around the tower not answering.

" _What_?" Sirius asked with an incredulous laugh, stopping in his tracks. He leaned back against the balcony and crossed his arms over his chest, shooting his friend a look of disbelief. "You're not going to tell me that you think that was an accident?"

James shook his head. "No, not particularly." He let out a slow breath and walked out onto the overlook. He leaned back beside the wizard. "Remus might not be too pleased though."

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't run into _him_ ," he said stubbornly, despite knowing he had a very good point.

"No, I know that. But you did shove him afterward and try to attack him, and you know how Remus can get. He's a bit stubborn when he doesn't want to see something."

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets, his gaze dropping. "So you're saying he'd rather be upset with me then? Is that it?"

James hummed indecisively. "I'm not sure, but you're not really making it easy on him if he doesn't. Don't let the tosser get to you. He does it because he knows it'll work, you know?"

Sirius looked up at his friend. He didn't know what to do anymore. "Then what do you suggest?"

James crossed his arms as he thought. "Well. First off, you're going about it all wrong. What everyone saw was you flipping out on him because of a little shoulder bump. If you keep doing things like that, Remus is definitely going to start taking his side. The way I see it, he doesn't like you because of your and Remus's..." he paused and waved his hand in a circle as if he were expressing himself better as he said, " _thing_... So, if you really want to get him back just hang out with Remus."

Sirius smiled slowly. "Just hang out with Remus?"

James nodded, his expression mirroring his friend's. "Yeah, there's no harm in that, you're mates. Right?"

"Yeah, we _are_." Sirius let out a barking laugh. He wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders, his plan sounding better by the second. "This - this is why you're my best mate."

* * *

"Hey Moony." Sirius grimaced when the wizard didn't look up or acknowledge his presence. "Studying for Potions?" he asked in a solicitous tone.

The werewolf looked up slowly from his spot on the library floor. "I spoke with Ian," he said matter-of-factly, his lips pressing together in a decidedly unhappy fashion.

Sirius's eyebrows rose. "Oh, yeah? What'd you two talk about?" he asked a little too curiously.

Remus lowered his book, resting it in his lap. "Sirius, did you _threaten_ him?"

The wizard started to laugh. "Remus, I didn't mean that. I would _never_ threaten someone you were seeing."

Remus's expression softened slightly. "Really?"

Sirius shook his head. "No. No, of course not. It was just a misunderstanding. You know how I get when people run into me, I just lost it a bit."

The werewolf shot him a hesitant look. "So, it was nothing..."

Sirius sat down on the floor beside him. He placed a hand on Remus's. "Nothing," he said firmly and then looked down at the book the sandy blond had been reading. "Potions giving you trouble?"

Remus sighed. "A little. I'd ask Lily, but she always studies with Snape for Potions, and..."

"He's a git?" Sirius supplied with a grin.

Remus laughed softly. "Yeah, he kind of is." He looked over at the grinning wizard. "What are you doing in here? I thought you and James would be drunk by now."

Sirius shook his head. "No, James is in the common room trying to woo Evans by flirting with all her friends."

The two wizards started laughing.

Remus smiled as he glanced up at the wizard. "And what are you doing? It's your birthday tomorrow. Where's Greg?"

Sirius looked down at his hands quickly. "Not a clue," he said in what he hoped was a nonchalant tone and then forced a smile and glanced back up at his friend, his chest tightening when his gaze landed on his lips. "I've just missed you lately. Thought we could spend a little time together. Just me and you," he said softly.

Remus stared at him for a moment and then blinked and shook his head as if to collect himself. "Uh. Yeah... Yeah, okay, sure, what did you have in mind?"

Sirius's eyes flicked up to meet the wizard's hazel gaze. "Do you like brownies?"

* * *

"I hate it. I _absolutely_ loathe its existence. You know when I was little I used to have nightmares about it; such a stupid thing to be scared of." An unamused laugh escaped parted lips, pushing a puff of visible white air out with it.

Sirius closed one eye and held his hand up, his thumb and index finger framing the faraway crescent moon, looking as he were almost touching it. "It's like a balloon, the way it inflates. If only I could just... pop it." He pushed his fingers together and made a popping noise with his mouth.

Remus laughed, the sound from his lips lighter as the two wizards lay on their backs side-by-side on top of the astronomy tower. "That's ridiculous. _You're_ ridiculous," he said, grinning at the wizard with glassy eyes.

Sirius shrugged and grinned back, his own eyes bloodshot and showing the affects of the brownies they had ingested. "You have that effect on me, Remus Lupin," he drawled.

"You always say that when you have no better excuse. It's pure laziness," Remus said, his grin still there. "And I do believe those brownies had something other than just chocolate in them."

"Me too," Sirius said with an impish grin, and then it softened and his hand reached over and pushed soft locks out of the werewolf's face. "It's true though, y'know that right? I would do anything for you." He shot the skeptical wizard a challenging look. "Go on. Try me."

"All right... Would you snog Peter for me?" Remus asked evenly.

Sirius arched an eyebrow. "What makes you think I haven't already? He gets me all hot the way he licks his fingers after every meal."

Remus let out a begrudging laugh. "You're a tosser."

Sirius grinned widely. "What a coincidence. You have _that_ effect on me as well." Two sets of laughter floated between them.

Remus shook his head. "That's really not appropriate," he said with little conviction.

Sirius shook his head in response. "I disagree." He remembered unwillingly the reason it was inappropriate; Remus was seeing someone. He liked someone else. He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "When do you have to go?" he asked quietly, needing to know for some reason.

The werewolf tensed suddenly. "Oh, uh. Right... soon, I suppose," he responded softly.

Sirius nodded, his gaze shifting to focus on the clear night sky above them. "Are you sure about this?" he asked, matching the wizard's tone.

Remus didn't respond. He looked over to meet the werewolf's gaze.

"Sirius..." His name was spoken hesitantly.

"Yeah Remus?" he asked as his heart began to pound a funny beat on his chest, the sandy-blond laying only inches from him.

Remus scooted closer, leaving almost no space between them. "I do have something I'd like to ask of you..."

Sirius nodded ever so slightly, his breath catching in his throat at the wizard's sudden nearness. "Yeah, okay. What do you need?"

The werewolf said in barely above a whisper, "Promise me you won't do anything stupid tonight, all right?"

He struggled to think through the mess that was his thoughts as warm puffs of chocolate scented air brushed against his lips. "Why's that?" he asked, barely holding himself back.

"Because... because I care about you."

Sirius nodded slightly. "All right, I promise." He paused. "I care about you too, Moony... So much," he whispered breathily, his heart jumping at the last two words and pushing him forward to close the gap until his mouth was pressing gently against soft lips.

Sirius felt a hand run up into his hair, and he cupped the wizard's jaw, caressing his cheek as their kiss remained simple, his mind reeling at the tender touch. He pulled back as he clung to the last vestiges of his self-control, his breathing shallow. "Don't go," he said, hoping the wizard would meet his lips again and stay with him. He looked at him with soft grey eyes.

Remus looked away as he pulled back instead. He pushed himself up, Sirius sitting up and wrapping his arms around his knees as he fought the urge to grab him and beg him to stay. "Sirius, I'm really sorry. I _have_ to go."

He nodded slowly and hugged his legs tighter not able to respond as a lump in his throat tried to choke him. He dropped his head and clenched his eyes shut, the wizard's footsteps sounding down the stairway behind him. It would be fine. It would be fine. He was fine.

He was.

* * *

"It's my birthday fuckers!" Sirius laughed madly, jumping on top of a sleeping James. "Sixteen years old, bitch," he crowed as he held the just waking wizard down by his arms and rutted against his backside. "Are you going to let me fuck your arse as my present, Jamie?" he whispered huskily.

" _Sirius_! I am going to _murder_ you!" James shouted as he struggled to get away from his friend. He rolled over and managed to shove the wizard off his bed.

Sirius lay on the floor in wrinkled clothes from the day before, laughing wildly.

"You're losing your _fucking_ mind," James said as he stood up and glared down at his friend.

Sirius continued to laugh. "No, I'm just bloody exhausted. I didn't sleep at all last night," he said, grey eyes wide open but unfocused. He pushed himself up, looking around the room, his gaze not settling on any object for more than a second as he avoided the space where Remus wasn't. "Let's get pissed up."

James frowned. "Before breakfast?"

Sirius nodded and walked over to his trunk. "Yeah, to celebrate, the party is going to be a blast tonight. Maybe you'll even find someone to deflower you." He shot the wizard a salacious grin and winked at him.

James flipped him off. "You better keep your cock far away from me, Black."

Sirius let out a boisterous laugh, waking Peter, and he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and held it up triumphantly. "Pete, you're just in time for the drinking," he said to the boy who was rubbing at his sleep laden eyes.

"Oi, where's Moony?" James asked as he looked over to the wizard's still made and empty bed.

"He didn't come back last night," Sirius said offhandedly, not looking over as he pulled the cork out of the full bottle. He took a swig. He didn't want to think about that. "I'm sure we'll see him at breakfast." He took another drink.

* * *

"What are you guys doing?"

"Ah Moony, fancy, fancy seeing you here," Sirius said lightly as he sat with James and Peter on either side of him, eating breakfast, the three Gryffindors sitting at the Hufflepuff table. He swiped a piece of bacon from an unaware James, who was flirting with a sixth-year Hufflepuff witch sitting beside him. "We've decided to be Jigglypuffs for the day."

"Are you drunk, Black?" Ian asked from beside Remus, who appeared to be fighting a smile.

Sirius took a bite of the nicked bacon, ignoring him. "Are you still going to Hogsmeade with me today?" he asked, omitting the reason purposely to irritate the Ravenclaw.

Remus glanced around the Great Hall. "What about Greg?"

Sirius let out a loud laugh, not able or wanting to find the emotions that should have come along with that question. "No worries, we broke up yesterday, I'm a free wizard." He looked over at the Slytherin table. "Oi, Zabini!" he shouted.

The Slytherin looked up slowly, glancing over at the wizard warily.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Fuck you, you _bloody bastard_!" He held up both hands, flipping off the boy and undoubtedly earning him a few days' detention at least judging from the unhappy look adorning Professor McGonagall's face at his outburst. Greg shook his head and looked back down at his plate.

"Are you okay, Sirius?" Remus asked, shooting his friend a concerned look.

Sirius grabbed a roll from Peter's plate, ignoring the full dish in front of him, and took a big bite. "Yeah, I'm just drunk. So, what d'you say?"

Remus nodded hesitantly, earning him an unseen frown from the Ravenclaw beside him. "Yeah, I'm still in."

Sirius smiled widely. " _Excellent_."


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... Haha! Yeah. Can I just say that the Sirius/Remus is coming very soon? Because it is. I swear it.

"Come on, James. Help me figure out this blasted riddle."

James sat on the floor beside the standing wizard, the Ravenclaw rooms just on the other side of the wall. "Is it... a table?" he asked the statue in a sleepy voice.

"No James, you've already said that!"

James groaned and dropped down onto his side on the stone floor. "I don't know, Sirius, this alcohol is messing with my head. I thought you told Remus that you weren't going to bother Diggory."

Sirius nodded as he glared darkly at the statue. "Yeah, that's called a lie, James. That wizard is going to pay."

"For what?"

Sirius looked over. "What?"

"For _what_ , Sirius? For bumping into you in the hallway? Or because he and Remus are together?" the wizard asked with closed eyes.

Sirius glared at his friend. "If you don't want to help me you can just leave, Potter. Go get your fucking beauty sleep or whatever it is you so desperately need to do."

James sighed and pushed himself back into a sitting position. "Where's Greg today?"

Sirius looked at the statue. "A flobberworm," he tried. He growled when the statue didn't budge. He sniffed, not looking over at his friend who had clearly missed his telling Remus about the incident. Fucking best mate he was. "We aren't together anymore."

" _What_? What happened?" James asked, suddenly sounding very awake.

Sirius shrugged a shoulder. "Just didn't work out. A thestral."

James stood up and walked over, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You okay, mate?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine, it's not a big deal."

The wild-haired wizard shot him a look of disbelief. "Sirius, you two were together for a year. What happened?"

The taller wizard let out a slow breath. He shook his head and looked over at his friend. "He told me he knew about Remus."

James's eyebrows shot up, and he glanced around the empty hallway unnecessarily quickly before saying, "He _knows_?"

Sirius nodded slowly. "Yeah."

"So, what, he wasn't okay with it or something?" James asked quickly.

"No. He didn't say that exactly..."

"Well, why'd you break things off?"

"I didn't." Sirius glanced over his shoulder as he tried to appear unaffected. He sniffed. "He did."

James blinked. "Greg."

Sirius nodded in an unimpressed fashion. "Yeah."

"But _why_?"

Sirius let out a heavy breath.

"Sirius?"

Sirius rubbed at the side of his nose and studied the stonework around the maddening stature before him. "Probably because I threatened him."

"You did what!"

"Shhh!" Sirius grimaced. "I threatened him when he said he knew."

"Did he say he was going to tell someone?" James asked, his tone suddenly worried.

Sirius shook his head slowly. "No. He said he wouldn't." He looked up to see James shooting him a look not unlike that of disappointment. "It was stupid, I know."

James took a step back. "You need to apologize."

Sirius growled, confusion whirling in his chest at the statement, because he really didn't want to get back with the Slytherin. At least he didn't think he did... "I know, but he won't talk to me. He's started hanging out with Crabbe and Goyle again. I can't get him alone." He thought for a minute. "A hippogriff." The statue stared back blankly. He pulled out his wand, aiming it at the infuriating sculpture. "Why you fucking-"

"Come on, let's get back to the dorm, it's almost time to leave for Hogsmeade," James said, grabbing Sirius's sleeve suddenly, a group of seventh-year Ravenclaws having just turned the corner and eyeing them warily. He shot the wizards a genial smile as he pulled Sirius down the hallway begrudgingly. "I'll help you later tonight after the party, I promise," he whispered.

* * *

"Bloody hell, Remus!" Sirius groaned as he lay on his bed thirty minutes later, his eyes clenched shut and his hands holding his pounding head. His mouth was dry, and he felt like he had been hit with one of Evans's hexes. "What did you give me?"

"Sobering potion. You shouldn't be drunk before noon, whether it's your birthday or not." Remus walked over and held out a glass of water, his expression completely unapologetic. "Drink."

Sirius pushed himself upright with a groan and took the glass begrudingly. "You ruin all my fun," he muttered before drinking half the contents of the cup and then setting it on the nightstand. He blinked a few times, the side effects of the potion beginning to subside slightly. He tried to remember where he had lost James. They had started out together when they had left the statue outside of the Ravenclaw rooms, but he vaguely remembered the wizard saying something in the common room to him, and then the next thing he knew he was gone.

Remus nodded. "What happened with Greg?" the werewolf asked, drawing his attention once more.

"Ah, him." Sirius looked down. He wished he had asked more questions before taking the potion his friend had offered him. He didn't want to think about that anymore - and he definitely didn't want to talk to Remus about it. The werewolf would probably blame himself. He feigned nonchalance, shrugging his shoulders as he studied his hands. "He said he wanted to date someone who would be loyal or some shit like that," he mumbled. It was probably the truth anyway.

" _Loyal_? Did you cheat on him recently?" Remus asked in surprise, his tone sounding tense for some reason.

"No. At least I don't think so," he hedged. "He just said he couldn't do it anymore." A humorless laugh escaped his lips when he realized he had unintentionally been partially truthful. He ran a hand up into his hair roughly. "Whatever that means..."

Remus sat down on the bed beside the wizard. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he said softly.

Sirius sighed. "Oh well. I'm not really the best person for relationships I suppose," he said, the Slytherin's last words and Remus's rejection adding validity to the statement. What had he been thinking even attempting to commit to someone? He noticed the sandy-blond watching him quietly and tried to smooth his hair back down. "So are you and Ian shagging now?" he asked in an assumed solicitous tone.

" _No_ ," Remus said quickly before adding, "I mean... Not - not just yet."

Sirius nodded slightly, not able to pretend he wanted any further details. "Tough luck, mate." He rubbed at the familiar pain in his chest as he stood up, and he walked over to his trunk to change his outfit. Now that he was sober, wearing the clothes his parents had bought him was unbearable; it had seemed funny at the time. He pulled the tie over his head and undid the stiff shirt, dropping it on the floor carelessly. He'd burn the blasted clothing if he didn't need to wear them over break. He grabbed a black t-shirt as he stood shirtless, pulling it over his head.

"Is that new?"

Sirius looked down at the fitted top he had ordered from a muggle shop with the help of James as he smoothed it down. It looked to be plain, but James said it had paint on it that would show up in the dark to say 'My bed or yours.' He grinned and ran his hands through his locks as he thought of the shy werewolf's response later in the night if he were to see it. "Yeah, you like it?" His smile grew when the werewolf looked away uncomfortably and mumbled his assent.

He pulled on a different pair of slacks and then glanced down dubiously at a handful of black leather bracelets that had come with the surprisingly expensive shirt and decided to put them all on. What the hell. He was sixteen, it was about time to try to find his own style, because a button up and tie was definitely not for going out. And he wanted something completely different than he was used to.

"Ian might meet up with us for a little bit. Is that okay?"

Sirius looked in the tall mirror at his six-foot-two frame. He was wearing dark grey dress slacks that felt like he could sleep in them they were so soft, a fitted black shirt that showed off his years of exhausting Quidditch practice, his left arm had black leather bracelets and his matching hair hung lazily around cold grey eyes, his lips turned slightly down. That wouldn't do. He forced a wide smile, perfectly white teeth gleaming as he turned to see a somewhat hesitant looking Remus openly studying him.

"Of course," he replied innocently as he imagined a better place for the Ravenclaw. Like perhaps at the bottom of the Black Lake. He breathed in slowly, reigning in the sudden anger, his smile undoubtedly having darkened if his friend's furrowed eyebrows were an indication.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked as he stood up, his expression growing more concerned.

Sirius nodded, not able to spit the lie out. He grabbed his wand and put it in his right slacks pocket, forcing his expression to soften. "Well, I guess we should be going now. Yeah?" he said in a smooth voice as he walked towards his friend.

* * *

"And so what did you do then?" Remus asked with a tight smile.

"Well, I went to Madam Pince and asked-"

Sirius frowned, bouncing his knee under the table, his arms crossed as he sat beside the werewolf, who was still talking to the Ravenclaw who had been sitting across from them for the past hour. Remus may have agreed to go with him to Hogsmeade, but Diggory had found them almost immediately upon entering the Three Broomsticks, and the werewolf didn't seem like he was going to tell the wizard to get lost any time soon.

He picked up his glass and took an extra long drink out of spite when he noticed Remus scowl at him even as he continued to listen to Diggory's rapturous tale of the missing homework answer. _Stupid shit_. He downed his drink and lifted a hand gaining the young barmaid's attention.

The curvy witch named Rosmerta had quickly agreed to serving him firewhiskey when he had added her tip proactively to his purchase. He stared down at his glass as he wondered where James and Peter were. Some friends he turned out to have. It was his fucking sixteenth birthday and Remus, James and Peter couldn't be bothered.

A glass landed in front of him. He picked it up immediately.

"What do you think, Sirius?"

Sirius shrugged as he looked around the pub searching for his blasted missing mates. James would get rid of the Ravenclaw, he always did when Sirius started to look too agitated, whether it was by talking nonstop about something exceedingly inane until the studious wizard couldn't handle it anymore or by inviting every witch over that had a thing for Remus making him uncomfortable enough until he excused himself politely.

And if that failed, he could pay Peter to spill something on him he was sure, and then cast a permanent charm on it when he 'tried' to clean it for him. Sirius bit back a smile as he remembered the first time Peter had done it to Snape the week before in Potions, he was a surprisingly good actor. Although—His smile dropped— There was the possibility Remus might leave with him.

He took another drink and began to scan the busy room once more, his gaze stopping on a table in the corner filled with sixth year Slytherins, automatically searching for a certain Slytherin wizard out of habit but finding familiar blue eyes instead. Evie Greengrass sat in the center of the green and silver crowd, her gaze meeting his as if she had felt his searching gaze. He shot the girl a sideways smile when she waved to him, mouthing him 'happy birthday' across the loud pub.

His smile grew. The witch was definitely filling out nicely. He remembered saying the same thing to Remus the other day when she had passed by them in the hallway along with the werewolf's subsequent frown. His gaze narrowed on the witch when she stood up, showing off long, slender legs that were rather nice to touch. Sirius lifted his hand lazily as he took another sip, beckoning the witch over with a single finger. Maybe instead of scaring away Diggory and possibly losing Remus's company as well, he would distract himself.

"Hello, Sirius. I've got something for you." The blonde smiled expectantly at the wizard as she stopped to stand beside him.

Sirius forced a wide grin. "Oh yeah? You spoil me, Evie," he said smoothly.

The witch blushed. "Can I sit down for a moment?" she asked, glancing down at the open seat beside Sirius.

"Sure." She sat down and smoothed her dark green skirt. Sirius's eyes caught the movement, and his gaze ran over milky smooth legs. His smile grew. "What is it you wanted to _give me_?" he asked, his voice slightly deeper.

The witch cleared her throat. "A. A card."

Sirius frowned. "A _card_?"

She nodded quickly. "Yes, I made it for you." She handed the wizard a red card she had hidden behind her back. Sirius held the folded parchment in his hand like he was unsure of what to do with it. "Open it."

Sirius held back a sigh and turned over the card. He flipped it open. There were enchanted brooms zooming around the paper and a note.

_Happy sixteenth Birthday, Sirius!_

Sirius closed it. "It's lovely," he said blandly. He set the note down and scooted closer to the witch setting his hand on top of her exposed knee, his smile returning as he focused back on the girl herself. "Would you and your friends like to come to my party tonight after dinner? You could be my date."

"Really?" she asked in an excited voice, her eyes lighting up.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, it'll be fun," he said softly.

The witch nodded quickly. "Right, of course, I'll be there." She placed a small kiss on his cheek, and then stood up and made her way back over to her table.

"What was that about?"

Sirius looked over to see James sitting on Remus's other side, Peter sitting beside him, as he watched the pretty witch leave. " _Where_ have you been?" he asked his best friend angrily.

James leaned in front of Remus and grabbed Sirius's drink from the table. "Asking Evans to be my date for your party. She said yes," he said happily.

"Yeah, she said if James promised to not talk to her or touch her the entire night she would go with him," Peter snorted by his side, the sound quickly followed with a groan when James elbowed him hard.

"Shut up, Peter," James growled. He shrugged his shoulders and took a drink of Sirius's firewhiskey. "She'll change her mind after a bit, you'll see. She just needs time to warm up to me."

Sirius shot him an arched look. "I'm sure." He glanced over to Remus. The wizard was staring at his butterbeer as Diggory gently brushed over his knuckles lightly with his fingers. He felt disgust rise in him at the sentimental touch between the two wizards. "I asked Evie to be my date tonight."

"And she said... _yes_?" James asked, sounding surprised.

"Yeah, maybe I'll give her a real go this time. She's really fit," he said, his gaze still on the sandy-blond beside him as he fought the urge to hex the Ravenclaw's hand off. "Don't you think so, Remus?" he heard himself ask.

Remus looked up slowly at the wizard. "Yeah, I suppose she is," he said, his darkened gaze not matching his indifferent words.

Sirius looked away from him, ignoring the pang in his chest. He hadn't done anything wrong. It was his bloody birthday, and he was going to enjoy it with or without his approval.

* * *

"Oh Sirius, you're so funny!"

Sirius grinned widely at the Slytherin witch practically sitting on his lap. He couldn't remember her name, but she seemed to be very interested in him. The Gryffindor common room was filled with students and alcohol and loud music. The wizards and witches all fifth years or older and mostly from Gryffindor, but a good amount were from Slytherin as well. Goyle had come and given Sirius another vial of the ecstasia potion as a present.

"I was just telling Sara last week how we would end up together. Sara and I stayed together this summer, because her mother is divorced and she met this wizard, but it turned out he-"

"You talk too much," Sirius said abruptly to the pretty girl, who giggled wildly in response, scooting impossibly closer to him as she batted her eyes up at the tall wizard. He glanced over at Remus, who had pulled out a book seemingly from thin air and wasn't paying any attention to him. He had been particularly quiet ever since the party had started. "What are you reading there, Moony?"

The sandy-blond ignored him. Sirius frowned.

"Why do you call him Moony? Is it-"

"Shhh," Sirius hushed the girl as he pulled her all the way into his lap, ignoring the anger pressing at his chest at the wizard so blatantly ignoring him.

"All my friends will be so jealous, especially Evie," she cooed as she leaned in towards the Black heir.

Sirius swallowed hard, right, she was Evie's friend. Where had she gone? He watched the girl's mouth move closer, steeling himself before pressing his lips against hers, not noticing his friend's book lowering as his eyes shut or his standing up and leaving as the witch began to run her hands through his hair. He sighed. It felt nice-

"Aleese, _what_ do you think you're _doing_?" Evie's angry voice pierced Sirius's thoughts.

* * *

"You should go to sleep. You don't look so good," was said some time later.

"Oh Salazar. These sheets feel _so_ good. You're missing out Pete." Sirius lay in only his slacks, his new favorite shirt forgotten somewhere; the common room, the stairs, perhaps one of the corridors. Fuck it. He would just get another.

The short blond wizard looked down at him. "I doubt they'd feel quite as good to me."

Sirius grinned up at him. He thought he heard a touch of hesitance. "You never know. These are _new_ ," he said in a silky voice to the wizard who had undoubtedly been told to watch him by Remus. Like he needed a babysitter. His grin grew when he didn't respond right away. "Do-"

"Hey guys," James said as he walked into the dorm. He began to unbutton his shirt. "Sirius, there you are. Everyone was looking for you. What are you doing in my bed?"

Sirius laughed. "Enjoying your new sheets. They feel _so fucking good_. I just want to eat them," he groaned.

James frowned, his glazed eyes narrowing slightly. "Yeah, they are nice. Scoot over." The wizard pulled off his shirt and dropped down beside his friend, letting out a slow groan.

"Ah, James, I don't know..."

Sirius let out a victorious laugh and pulled the wizard closer. "Oh, Jamie, you've come to keep me company. I knew you loved me." He breathed in his best friend's scent deeply before licking widely up the side of his neck.

"Sirius!" James complained, wiping his wet neck with his hand, a smile playing at his lips. "You're such a mutt."

"Uh...James. Remus said-"

"I am a mutt. No...No, I'm a _bitch_." Sirius grinned as he looked at his friend. "What do you say, I could be your bitch, James."

James let out a laugh. "You wish."

"James, Remus said not to get too close to Sirius," Peter said nervously.

James laughed. "Peter, you say the fucking oddest things."

"So, how's Sarah. Have you gotten her to suck you off yet?"

"I'm just going to go get Remus."

James groaned as the door closed. "No. She'll only use her hand. And she wouldn't even do that tonight after she found out I asked Evans to your party too."

Sirius tutted his disapproval. "That's just wrong, mate. You need to find someone who will wrap their lips around your manhood."

"Bloody hell, I _know_ ," James groaned, his hand sliding down and situating himself, lingering a moment longer than necessary.

"What's wrong, James. Your cock giving you trouble?" Sirius whispered in his ear as he scooted closer.

"Yeah. I need a wank, Sirius. Maybe you should go."

Sirius smiled. "I don't mind. I've seen you wank before."

James laughed roughly. "Shut up, you bastard. That was an accident, and you did it too."

"Yeah." Sirius joined in, laughing with him, his voice deeper as he remembered the incident from the past summer when they had been looking at a muggle magazine James had gotten from his uncle's house. Muggle girls were not shy. He moved his hand down inside his own pants and gave it a gentle squeeze before sliding his hand up and down a few times. "I'm on ex right now," he admitted, having taken a dose by himself after Evie had stumbled upon him and her friend snogging. He couldn't remember it very well, but what he did hadn't been pretty.

James's eyes widened. He looked over at his friend. "When'd you get more of that?"

Sirius smiled, his hand still moving as he looked into his friend's hazel eyes. They kind of reminded him of Remus's. "Got it from Goyle as a birthday present. I have some left. You want it?"

James blinked. "Probably shouldn't. I've been drinking. A lot."

Sirius shrugged. "That's cool." His hand began to move more noticeably. "It's really nice though."

James glanced down and then back up. "Yeah?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, everything feels good and sounds nice and tastes delicious. I bet even your jizz would taste like chocolate cake right now."

James let out a laugh. "Is that your way of saying you want to suck on my cock?"

He hummed in thought. "Maybe."

James didn't respond.

Sirius slid his hand out of his own pants and rolled on his side. "You want sucked off? I wouldn't mind."

James blinked slowly. "You wouldn't?"

"No," Sirius said with a shrug. "I like giving head."

James stared at him, his eyes widening slightly. "Uh.."

"Just this once though." Sirius grinned widely. "So you know how it feels."

James nodded slowly. "Yeah... yeah okay."

Sirius scooted closer and pressed his upper body against his friend's, their bare chests touching. " _Fuck_. That's hot." He pressed his lips against James's as his hand trailed down the wizard's stomach. He carefully slid his hand under slacks and found something to wrap his fingers around.

" _Shit_ ," James hissed, sounding half shocked he hadn't been joking.

Sirius laughed, a throaty sound to it as his hand began to slide along his friend's length.

"This has got to be a bad idea," James groaned, his eyes shut as his own hands ran over familiar skin in a very unfamiliar way. "I'm way too drunk."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, and I'm buggered out of my mind." He began to move his kisses down the wizard's neck and then over his chest and down his stomach, his hands moving to unbuttoning his friend's pants.

"Fuck, you're bigger than I remember," Sirius said quietly.

James let out a laugh. "Just fucking suck it already."

Sirius grinned. "All right," he said and then leaned forward, his mouth opening and his tongue reaching out as hands ran into his hair.

 

 


	52. Chapter 52

Sirius scooted back up onto the pillow as he looked over at James, who was lying on his back with a dazed expression, his slacks still undone. He felt suddenly sober, the potion useless as he studied his best friend. "James?"

The wizard looked over at him, hazel eyes tired. "Yeah, Sirius?"

Sirius swallowed. "I - I don't know."

James let out a laugh. "Yeah. I'm going to go take a quick shower," he said and pushed himself up, buttoning his slacks deftly. He walked over to the door to their bathroom and then looked back. "Are you all right?" he asked in a suddenly unsure voice.

Sirius forced an impish grin. "Yeah, other than my jaw being tired."

James laughed again and then walked out of the room.

Sirius rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling above James's bed, his mind not settling on any solid thought. The sound of water met his ears, and he pushed himself out of his friend's suddenly uncomfortable bed and glanced around the room, his gaze stopping on Remus's empty one. He looked away quickly and began to make his way to his own.

"Sirius."

Sirius stopped just in front of his bed to see Remus walking into the tower, his lost shirt in his hand. He ran a hand up into his hair. "Hey Moony," he said hesitantly, "you staying here tonight?"

Remus nodded and began to walk towards him. "Yeah, I found this on the stairs, where's Ja-" The werewolf stopped abruptly. His eyebrows furrowed, and he took another step closer.

Sirius licked his lips when he noticed the werewolf sniff, his expression clouding further. _Shit_. "Ah, yeah, he's in the shower, I should really go to bed," he said, quickly turning away.

"Sirius..."

The tall wizard cursed mentally and then turned back around slowly, shooting the sandy-blond an unintentionally apologetic look. "What's up?"

Remus closed his eyes for a long moment and then took the last few steps to close the gap between them, handing him his shirt. "Sirius, are you doing okay?"

The dark-haired wizard laughed, the sound a mixture of denial and confusion. "Yeah, I'm good. Great actually, I'm fucking fantastic."

Remus nodded slowly, his gaze darting over to James's messed bed and then back to him. He looked like he wanted to say something but didn't, his hands clenching into tight fists by his sides.

Sirius tossed his shirt onto his comforter and then placed his hands on his friend's shoulders. "Remus, it - it was nothing, James and I..." He trailed off as the werewolf's expression darkened. "We were just messing around."

"Sirius, you're going to get hurt," Remus said quietly, his voice laced with anger. "James, he's a good guy, but he's not-"

"I'm not what?" James asked in a curious voice as he walked into the room in a pair of white gym shorts and no shirt, rubbing a hand towel over his wet mop of hair. He looked between the two wizards. "What'd I miss?"

"Nothing. Remus was just telling me what a sexy bastard I am," Sirius quipped quickly, shooting Remus a pointed look as he walked towards his best friend. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight, Prongs?" he asked casually before pulling the wizard towards him and placing a kiss on his damp head of hair. "You're so cute when you're all wet," he said glibly.

James pushed him away. "You're such a tosser." He sighed and added, "Yeah, okay. But no cuddling." He dropped onto his bed.

Sirius let out a laugh and climbed in beside his friend. "You say that now..." He pulled the curtains shut behind him, closing out the disapproving look Remus was shooting them.

* * *

Sirius lay in his bed wide awake the night before winter break.

He was so fucked. So fucked, it wasn't funny.

He didn't like James. He knew he didn't. But then what the hell was wrong with him? He had given his best friend three blow jobs now, and the more he touched him the more he wanted to touch him.

James. His straight friend.

He _knew_ James wasn't gay, and he probably wasn't even bisexual by the way he never returned the favor or really wanted to touch Sirius at all. He was just a horny fucker, and Sirius was being a needy little bitch, trying to suck him off whenever the wizard would let him.

He groaned and rolled over, planting his face into his pillow. He was pathetic. The only thing he could be happy about was that Remus hadn't found out about the other two times it had happened. He didn't know why, but the sandy-blond had been very unhappy about his and James's tryst, and hadn't talked to either of them much the week after.

Sirius growled and rolled back over onto his back. He would just talk to James over Christmas break. His parents had agreed to let him visit with his friend for a few days after the Christmas Eve dinner party. They could clear everything up and then things could go back to normal; like they had been before Sirius had started sucking his cock. _Fuck_. What had he been thinking?

He threw off his blankets and pushed himself off his bed and through his curtains. He glanced across the moonlit room and over at Remus's bed, making his way over the cold wooden planks quietly. He stopped in front of the pulled crimson curtains, considering going back to his own. The last time he had tried to check on his friend he hadn't been in there. His chest clenched at the too fresh memory, and he forced out in barely above a whisper, "Moony?"

If he didn't answer, he'd just assume he was sleeping.

Curtains parted only a second later, and Remus looked up at him, the werewolf sitting up in his bed shirtless. "Can't sleep?"

"No." Sirius shook his head, relief flooding him as he looked down at hazel eyes instead of an empty bed. "You?" he asked softly, knowing he shouldn't ask the _actual_ question he had come over to ask, the one pounding furiously at his chest and trying to escape. Remus had a boyfriend after all, a serious boyfriend by the looks of it. He ran an agitated hand up into his hair. "Want to go for a walk?"

"Not particularly." Remus dead panned for a second before pulling back his curtains and adding with a smile, "Climb in Padfoot."

Sirius smiled sheepishly and climbed between the curtains, sitting down on the other side of the werewolf beside the wall. "Thanks," he said quietly as curtains fell back shut. He lay down on the bed and stared up at the dark ceiling as Remus settled down beside him, the two wizards sharing a pillow. "What's keeping you up?"

Remus sighed. "Stuff."

Sirius nodded. "Sounds important."

A chuckle filled the space, making the corners of Sirius's lips quirk up. "What about you?"

The dark-haired wizard chewed on the inside of his cheek. "I don't know."

"Ah." Remus shifted beside him, their shoulders brushing. "Sirius... can I ask you a personal question?"

"Shoot."

Remus shifted again on the bed beside him before asking in a hesitant voice, "How did you know that you wanted to..."

Sirius looked over when the werewolf didn't finish his sentence. "To what?"

"To have sex?"

Sirius's mouth dropped open. He closed it quickly as his body began to respond to the question eagerly. "Ah, well," he paused, swallowing hard. Focus. Focus. He looked back up at the ceiling. "It just felt right, I suppose..."

"Oh." The werewolf let out a heavy sigh.

Sirius rolled onto his side to face his friend. "Remus, it's not something you should have to worry about. If you're unsure, you shouldn't do it yet."

Remus nodded slowly, not meeting his gaze. "Yeah, that makes sense."

Sirius watched quietly as the wizard chewed on his lip.

"It's just — Ian, he wants to," Remus said quietly, "A lot."

Sirius held back a growl. "What do you want?" he asked in a barely controlled voice.

Remus looked over to him, hazel meeting grey. "Something I can't have," he whispered.

Sirius scooted closer, his heart beginning to pound in his chest either from anger or the words the werewolf had just whispered, or maybe both. "Yeah? Why's that?"

Remus shook his head the slightest bit. "It's just not possible."

Sirius studied his friend closely, the wizard looked upset. He pushed away the growing well of ambivalent emotions in his chest to focus on his friend and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer and tucking Remus’s head under his chin, soft blond hairs tickling his neck. "Don't sell yourself short, Remus." He gave him a squeeze, hugging him not sure what else to say.

Remus scooted closer, cuddling against him. "You're cold."

Sirius moved to pull away. "Sorry."

Remus grabbed his arm, holding him close. "No, I like it, I'm always too hot when I sleep."

"Yeah?" Sirius smiled and pressed his icy cold toes on the wizard's warm shins. "You like that too?"

Remus laughed. "It's perfect." He rubbed his face in the crook of Sirius's neck and sighed a noise of contentment. "Night, Sirius."

"G'night Remus," he said softly, his eyes closing and body relaxing.

* * *

Sirius woke up slowly, a warm body pressed comfortably up against him. He opened his eyes to find sandy blond locks in his immediate vision. _Remus_.

He smiled as the body pressed against him began to shift. He closed his eyes back and pulled the wizard closer when he tried to pull back.

"Sirius?" The name was whispered.

"Yeah Moony?" he whispered back.

"You're awake?" Remus asked, his voice sounding uncertain.

"No," he said resolutely and then pulled him impossibly closer, their lower bodies making contact unintentionally and causing a groan to escape his lips. "No, I'm still asleep," he insisted in an uneven voice as he shifted his hips instinctively to make contact with the wizard again. " _Fuck_ Remus," he groaned.

Remus gasped at the contact. "Sirius..." He stopped.

Sirius rolled his hips again, and a soft whimper escaped his lips. "Is-is this okay?" he asked breathily as his body went on without waiting for an answer and rubbed up against his friend again.

"I-I..." Remus pushed back, increasing the pressure and eliciting a hiss from the dark-haired wizard. He groaned and began to place kisses on Sirius's collarbone.

Sirius's eyes widened. Remus was kissing him. Remus was kissing him and moving against him. His eyes fell shut when the wizard made contact again.

" _Remus_ ," he hissed, grabbing hold of the moving hips and stilling them as he tried to gather his thoughts now that he was wide awake and Remus was responding. This was a bad idea. A very bad idea.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked as he continued to pepper his skin with soft kisses.

"We. We shouldn't," he said through gritted teeth, Remus's tongue clearly disagreeing and running along the skin on his chest. " _F-fuck_."

"Why not? You and James mess around."

Sirius froze. He knew. How did he know? He had been so careful after the first time. He let out a laugh, the sound unconvincing even to himself as he felt himself sinking. "What're you talking about?"

Remus began to move down his stomach with his mouth, forcing a hitched breath from Sirius's mouth. "We're friends too. It's okay."

Sirius felt hands grab hold of his pajama pants, fingers curling under the waistband, and his own hands shot down, holding the determined hands still. "Remus, it's not the same thing."

A heavy silence filled the space, Sirius's short breaths the only thing cutting the quiet.

"Why not?" The sandy-blond asked abruptly, his tone uncharacteristically cold.

Sirius blinked, surprise making him speechless.

"Why not?" he asked again, more sharply. He tried to pull at the waistband, but Sirius held his hands more firmly. "Why the _bloody_ _hell not_?"

"It's - it's just not." He struggled to answer why as his body struggled equally hard to win over his mind, wanting to release the werewolf's hands and give him the go ahead to slide down further. It would feel _so_ good.

He clenched his eyes shut. "You're not James."

Hands pulled away suddenly. "Oh... Oh, I - I understand." Remus started to move back.

Sirius grabbed hold of the wizard, stopping him from leaving. "No. I mean. James isn't you," he said quickly, cursing his mind for not working and his body for still responding to the wizard beside him.

"I didn't know you two were so bloody close," Remus said, pulling the wizard's arms from him. "Let me go, Sirius."

"No, no wait. Listen, please just _listen_ to me," he insisted in a pleading voice.

Remus stilled suddenly. "What?" he asked, his voice filled with regret, making Sirius's chest ache in response.

Sirius took in a deep breath and pulled the wizard close in a hug. "I meant... you're Remus _. Moony,_ " he said as way of explanation. "You're." He swallowed hard and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "You're special to me, Remus," he said in almost a whisper.

Remus stopped resisting. "I'm special to you?"

Sirius nodded, holding him tighter to hide the expression on his face that would make him look like a sappy fool. " _Very_."

Remus lay quietly for an excruciatingly long moment, the only thing cutting the silence their staggered breathing, before responding in a roughened voice, "You're special to me too, Sirius."

"I am?" he asked in disbelief.

Remus hummed his assent. " _Very_."

And Sirius found himself grinning stupidly at the stolen word as a warmth bloomed in his chest that he had thought dead. He pulled back to respond when lips pressed against his unexpectedly.


	53. Chapter 53

Sirius's eyes fell shut as their lips pressed together, and his arms tightened around the wizard, afraid he would come to his senses soon. Remus thought he was special. He had said it and then he had kissed him.

A thrill ran up the wizard's body, excitement parting his lips and then his tongue was tracing along soft lips that opened at his touch. A groan rumbled in his chest when their tongues met, the werewolf's taste once more infiltrating his senses, and warm hands began to slide up his chest, and he couldn't think.

"Remus," he murmured his name, pulling back, his heart trying to jump out of his throat to leave him for the wizard that made it beat harder than anyone else could. His hands grasped the werewolf's face, his grey eyes scanning hazel ones for some hint of what he was thinking. He didn't know how to ask if the kiss meant what he thought it did. What he wanted it to mean.

That Remus wanted to be with him. That he needed him.

He licked his lips, his eyebrows furrowing, not sure if the look on the werewolf's face meant what he hoped it did or if he just hadn't realized his mistake yet. "I don't know what you want," he admitted softly.

Remus leaned forward and whispered just shy of his mouth, "I just want you to keep kissing me."

Sirius nodded slightly. "I can do that," he said in a husky voice and then tilted his chin to capture the enticing lips once more with his.

* * *

" _So_?"

Sirius stopped throwing things into his trunk to look over his shoulder. James was standing in the middle of the room smiling at him with a huge expectant grin. Sirius stood up, an answering smile tugging at his own lips. "What do you want, Potter?" he asked, his smile turning into a full fledged grin.

James walked over and plopped down onto his bed. "What were you and Remus up to this morning?" he asked in an overly nonchalant manner as he placed his hands behind his head, eyeing the poster secured to the ceiling over Sirius's bed with obvious interest.

Sirius barked a laugh as he began to toss the rest of his belongings into his trunk, packing for home not seeming all that bad for the first time in years. He would only have to be at Twelve Grimmauld Place for a few days and then he was going to James's as were Peter and Remus. _Remus_.

Sirius's grin faltered slightly, and he glanced over nervously at the boy's empty corner of the room. The werewolf was 'having a talk with Ian' as he had cryptically told Sirius after breakfast. He ran a hand up into his hair, grabbing at silky black locks. That was a good thing. Right? Maybe he should have asked more questions-

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked back over to his friend. "Yeah?" he asked, his voice sounding as distracted as his thoughts were at that moment.

"Aren't you going to tell me?" James asked, his tone growing agitated. He pushed himself upright. "Come on. Tell me what happened."

Sirius laughed, the wizard's words reminding him of the recent snogging and lightening the weight of his worries. Remus wouldn't have kissed him like that if he had planned on staying with the Ravenclaw; he was sure of it. "I have no idea what you're talking about, James." He tossed in a tie of Remus's with a smirk and then clicked the black trunk shut before casting a locking charm on it. He stood up, his expression more amused as James scowled at him. "Something bothering you, mate?"

James stood up. "Yeah, I have a shitty best friend who doesn't-"

" _Guys_!" Peter shouted, pushing the door open suddenly. He gasped for breath as he looked between the two wizards. "You need to come now. It's Remus!" he gasped.

Sirius and James glanced at each other and then ran for the door.

* * *

Sirius sprinted down the steps of the changing staircase, his mind racing alongside his feet as he tried to get to Remus. Why had he left him alone? What was wrong? They hadn't stopped to get more details from Peter, racing ahead of the slow wizard after he had said he was in front of the Great Hall.

"Shit," he cursed, jumping when the stairs started to rumble and then part, making it to the lower set just barely and leaving an unhappy James behind to have to wait for the next connection. He would murder Diggory if he so much as ruined Remus's morning.

He ran down the last few steps and turned the corner to see Remus standing beside Diggory, their backs to him, with Crabbe and Goyle facing them with their wands out. He pulled out his own, keeping it down by his side as he approached at a pace just barely short of running.

"Oi, what's going on here?" Sirius asked in a cool voice, his gaze locked on Crabbe, whose wand was pointed at Remus. His hand tightened around his own, his arm raising of its own accord. The fucking bastard. _How dare he._

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Crabbe asked warily, his hand wavering in its target as Sirius continued to approach with a stormy expression, his wand pointed directly at the Slytherin's chest.

"I'd ask you the same thing, _Vincent_ ," he said in a low voice as he stopped directly beside Remus - who had his wand out but not pointed at either of the Slytherins - his gaze trained on his target. "Is there a reason you're bothering my friend?"

"Sirius," Goyle spoke up in a smooth voice, his own wand pointed at Diggory.

Sirius glanced over and winked at the wizard. "Jonathan," he said cordially, "excited for the holidays?"

The wizard nodded slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched Sirius's gaze focus back on the wizard beside him once more. He took a step back as loud footsteps announced James's arrival undoubtedly, his wand lowering. "I think I'll just be going. See you at the Christmas party, Sirius."

Sirius nodded his head minutely as he sneered at a panicking Crabbe. "Yeah, I'll see you then."

"Just stay out of this Potter," the lone Slytherin said, his voice sounding less sure as the number of Gryffindors grew, his own friend retreating quickly down the corridor.

"I can't do that, Crabbe."

Sirius shot a glance over at James who had his wand out and pointed at the Slytherin before lowering his own.

"Sirius don't," Remus said quietly by his side as if he could read his mind.

Sirius looked over to him and shot him an innocent smile. "I'm only going to talk to him, Remus. Clear things up privately." He lifted dark eyebrows in askance, and the werewolf sighed and nodded slightly.

He turned away, his smile darkening as he stalked towards the Slytherin, who had lowered his wand, his own tingling at his fingertips. He stopped directly in front of the shorter wizard and looked down at him. "I have to say, I'm not very pleased with you threatening one of my best mates," he said in a deceptively soft voice.

The Slytherin glanced around, possibly looking for back up before saying harshly, "Best mate? He's a _faggot_ , Sirius."

The ugly word whirled around in Sirius's mind, darkening his thoughts. His gaze narrowed on the Slytherin. " _What_ did you just say, Crabbe?" he asked quietly.

"Sirius, come on. Let's go before a professor shows up," James said from behind him.

"Nothing about you Black. I didn't even want to fight with your - _friend_." He sneered at the word. "I just offered to let Lupin suck my cock and his boyfriend got all worked up over it," the Slytherin said more harshly and then laughed.

Sirius took a step forward, a firm hand grabbing his shoulder from behind.

"Sirius, just leave it." The words said more forcefully.

"See, he doesn't mind," the Slytherin said with a laugh, Sirius's gaze darkening.

Sirius's wand hand snapped up. "Take it back. _Now_."

The laughs dropped off sharply, Crabbe eyeing the wand that was only inches away with renewed wariness. "Listen Black, I was just having some fun. No harm done."

Sirius's jaw clenched. "Fun? You were just having some _fun_?" He let out a furious laugh, his hand tightening its grip around the wand that was crackling with energy. "Maybe I'll just have some fun with you then," he growled as his mind eagerly supplied several ways to accomplish just that.

The wizard raised his hands in a sign of surrender. "No need to get so worked up."

"Sirius, please. It's _okay,"_ Remus insisted.

"Say it again."

The Slytherin wizard shot him an odd look. " _What_?"

"Say. It... _Again,_ " he said between clenched bared teeth, his hand beginning to vibrate as he held back the curse on his lips. He was going to make him beg for death.

"Sirius... Sirius _stop_." His wand was jerked from his hand.

" _Remus_!" he roared at the wizard holding his wand.

"Now what are you going to do Black?" Laughter returned full force. "Why do you care so much anyway? Lupin didn't. Hell, he probably wants it."

Sirius's eyes darkened as his mind went blank, his gaze focused on the boy in front of him. He lifted his hand, all pent up magic shooting out through his fingertips and hitting the wizard squarely in the chest, knocking him off his feet and onto the ground.

"Sirius _no_!"

Sirius was on the Slytherin, his fist making contact with the wizard's stupid face. A sounding groan pushed his lips up, his teeth bared in a malicious grin as he continued to hit, the smacking thud music to his ears as he did his best to rearrange the wizard's ugly face. He let loose a wild laugh.

* * *

"I'll kill you! I'll bloody KILL YOU!" Sirius roared as the huge gameskeeper restrained him inside the headmaster's office.

"Mister Black, I must ask that you refrain from threatening your classmates." Dumbledore sat calmly in his chair, Crabbe sitting in a seat in front of the old wizard's desk, clear of the cuts and bruises that had littered his face but an unsettled look in his gaze.

Sirius let out a cackling laugh. "It's not a threat! It's a _promise_! A PROMISE! You hear that Crabbe!?"

The old wizard stood up and raised his hand, Sirius falling silent as his mouth stopped working and his muscles grew weak. "Mr. Crabbe, I will ask that you return to the hospital wing now, Madam Pomfrey requested I send you back after our meeting. Thank you for your explanation."

"Yes, Sir," the wizard said in a quiet voice. He stood up, glancing over at Sirius, who snarled in response. He looked away and quickly made his way to the door.

"Thank you, Hagrid, I will take it from here," Dumbledore said in a soft voice.

"Yes, Headmaster, Sir." The beast of a man guided Sirius to a red chair that had just materialized in front of the wizard's desk - the green one having disappeared on the Slytherin's exit - and helped him sit with a surprisingly gentle touch before walking off, the door shutting behind him, leaving the two wizards alone.

Sirius felt whatever force that had been holding him down lessen and then disappear completely. He sighed and slumped in the seat of his own accord, his gaze training on his raw knuckles.

"Poppy has asked that I offer this to you."

Sirius looked up to see a familiar dark blue potion in the wizard's outstretched hand. He shook his head and swallowed hard. "No thank you, Sir."

"Very well." The potion was placed on the desk. "I would really appreciate if you would reconsider giving me your account of the incident between you and Mr. Crabbe today." The wizard clasped his hands before adding, "Perhaps there is something he left out that upset you so much?"

Sirius swallowed again, a hiccup making it hard to do so as he shook his head, avoiding the old wizard's steady gaze. "No, it was like he said. We've never liked each other, insults were traded... and I... I just was in a bad mood, and I attacked him." He couldn't tell him what the wizard had said about Remus.

"Really? He did nothing extraordinarily upsetting? You weren't acting on another's behalf?"

Sirius glanced up and shook his head again, a numbness filling his chest. "No Sir."

The old wizard sighed. He looked down over his glasses, his blue eyes piercing in their softness. Sirius looked away.

"Sirius, due to the severity of Mr. Crabbe's injuries, if you cannot give me a very good reason for your actions I will have no option but to assign you the required one-week suspension. You understand that, right?"

Panic tried to seize his tongue, but he bit down on it and nodded woodenly. "Yes, Sir." A hand settled on his shoulder, and he flinched slightly from the touch.

"Very well. I will contact your parents regarding your suspension. Your time will be added onto the end of the break."


	54. Chapter 54

Grey eyes closed as the tall wizard trudged up the last few stairs leading to his dorm. He pushed open the door to see James, Remus and Peter sitting on James's bed talking, the three wizards stopping abruptly as he entered and shooting him matching looks of concern that made him feel like screaming.

He let out a dry laugh instead, the noise sounding as hollow as his chest felt. "You three gossiping like bloody birds I see." He made his way over to his bed and dropped down onto it. He stared up at the dark ceiling high above as he pulled on his tie until it came undone. Tomorrow he'd be in his own bed at home. Twelve Grimmauld Place.

"Sirius? What happened? What'd Dumbledore say?" James asked, standing up as Remus and Peter remained seated in silence, waiting for his answer as well.

Sirius sighed as he opened his hand, letting his tie slip from his palm and over his fingertips to fall silently onto the floor beside his bed, his hand remaining outstretched. He probably wouldn't be allowed to go to James's for Christmas anymore. That sucked.

" _Sirius_?" James took a step closer as Remus stood up, Sirius catching the sandy-blond's movement in the corner of his vision.

He closed his eyes for a long moment and then spoke up, his lips numb and the words sounding like he was listening to them from far away, "One week suspension. It was worth it."

"One week suspension?! What the hell! That's fucking _bullshit_!" James shouted. "Didn't you-"

Sirius lifted his hand and pulled the curtains shut. He closed his eyes as some emotion akin to anger surged in his chest, his hands coming up to cover his face as if they could hide him from his own thoughts. It wouldn't do to think about it ahead of time. Whatever they did... whatever his punishment was. It would be fine.

He breathed in slowly, the air quivering in his lungs. Silent laughter escaping when he exhaled as whirling emotions began to bubble, trying to push their way to the surface. His shoulders began to shake as the muted laughter grew harder.

"Sirius?"

The wizard started, eyes opening to find Remus looking down at him, blond brows furrowed and hazel eyes searching. He clenched his jaw, feeling self-conscious as he tried to even out his breathing and tamp down the feelings that had just tried to overtake him. "I pulled the curtains for a reason, Remus," he said coolly, his hold growing more strained as the emotions he was fighting back tried to sneak through with the feelings the werewolf always seemed to draw from him. He looked away. _Hold it together_.

He felt the bed shift as the werewolf climbed onto the bed, the rustle of curtains barely audible as they fell shut.

Sirius swallowed hard and closed his eyes again, focusing on the sounds of James and Peter leaving the dorm, the former saying he'd bring them something to eat back. He knew he'd have to get up and leave for the train station after lunch ended, but he wasn't going to move until he had to. He felt the bed shift again and then Remus was lying down beside him. _Remus_. He had forgotten. The werewolf had not looked pleased when Hagrid had dragged him off.

"Are you going to yell at me?"

"No."

Sirius opened his eyes and looked over to see Remus staring up at the ceiling, his expression neutral. "You're not angry with me?"

Remus sighed. "Yeah, I am." Sirius grimaced, waiting for the werewolf to tell him what a disappointment he was and how he should have kept a better handle on his temper, and that he couldn't be with someone who was so bloody unstable. "This poster doesn't have any blokes in it."

Sirius's gaze flicked up to see the muggle poster he had put on the ceiling the month before, and he let out a relieved laugh, a small smile pushing at the right corner of his mouth. He scooted closer to Remus and wrapped an arm around him, letting out a deep breath as the contact soothed him. "That's fine with me, I'd rather just look at you anyway," he said softly.

Remus grinned, turning his head to shoot the wizard a look of amusement. "So those girls do nothing for you?"

Sirius shook his head, holding back an answering grin. " _Nothing_. It's purely for the motorbike, in fact, I've been looking for a way to remove them from it." He waved his hand, motioning at the barely-clad girls straddling the piece of machinery. "They're kind of obstructing the view if you haven't noticed."

Remus let out a soft laugh. "Lies."

Sirius shifted even closer and placed an apologetic kiss on the wizard's neck. "I'm sorry about earlier."

Remus's expression faltered. He looked away. "Don't be."

"I am though, I didn't mean to lose it like that. I just get a little worked up when it comes to you."

"A little?" Remus asked in a cautious voice.

Sirius frowned. "A lot, I guess," he admitted, tightening his grip across Remus's chest protectively. "I just don't want anyone to hurt you."

A snort escaped the werewolf's lips.

Sirius pulled back to see Remus scowling. "What?"

Remus shook his head. "Nothing."

The dark-haired wizard blinked. "No, tell me. What's wrong?"

Remus pushed himself up into a sitting position, moving Sirius's arm off of him carefully. "It's just a bit hard to protect me from being hurt, don't you think?"

Sirius sat up slowly, studying the wizard. He was avoiding his gaze and looked suddenly upset. Angry almost. "What aren't you telling me, Remus?"

The sandy-blond looked up at him, his expression torn. "Ian and I broke up."

Sirius frowned, not feeling better like he thought he would as he studied the upset werewolf. "Did I do something?"

Remus laughed, the sound harsh, as he ran a hand up into his hair. "It's not always about you, Sirius."

He nodded slowly, placing a hand on the werewolf's knee. "I'm sorry, Remus," he said quietly.

Hazel eyes looked up slowly, a flash of anger shooting across them before he said, "Are you? It's what you wanted, right? Ian and I to break up, so that you and I could - what - mess around?" He laughed again and buried his face in his hands.

Sirius blinked in surprise, a pain forming in his chest as confusion forced a defensive response, "You kissed _me_ this morning, Remus. I didn't make you."

The werewolf's hands dropped. "I couldn't help it, you just wouldn't stop pushing, you wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm not bloody perfect."

Sirius felt the pain in his chest grow. "What? I... Remus, where is this coming from? I'd never want to make you do something you didn't want to do."

The sandy-blond shook his head. "I cheated on my boyfriend twice. _Twice_ , Sirius. You think I wanted to do that? And what for? What even _is_ this between us?"

Sirius swallowed hard at the unexpected questions. "I... I don't know. I know what I want it to be though." He shifted a little closer. "I want to be with you, Remus. Just you and me."

"Just you and me?" Remus scoffed, surprising the dark-haired wizard again. "What about Evie? Or her friends? Or Greg? What about _James_? Are you two completely over, or are you going to be in his bed again in a few weeks?"

"I. _No._ That... I don't want that. I don't want _any_ of them!"

"Then why? _Why_ Sirius?" The werewolf shook his head and then said in a pained voice, " _Why_ _James?_ "

Sirius felt a pang in his chest. He shook his head slowly at the question he hadn't even answered for himself yet. "I don't know. I just... James is important to me."

Remus nodded slowly as if he had expected the answer. "Exactly. And why _me_?"

Sirius paused, feeling as if he were sitting on a precipice, teetering precariously on a cliff made up of his words and that the next thing he said might decide his fate somehow. He didn't know. He didn't know what to say. What Remus wanted from him. And he wanted something, of that he was sure. If only he knew what the hell it was.

He resisted shaking his head and said the only thing he knew for certain. "Because I need you, Remus," he whispered.

The werewolf's eyes softened slightly. "You need me?"

Sirius nodded despite himself. "I don't know, I just, I don't like who I am without you. I know that I should be able to deal with things on my own—but, I can't—everything - everything's just so _hard_." He paused, his chest aching as he looked into soft hazel eyes. "I feel like I'm drowning without you, Remus. It hurts."

Remus scooted closer. "Sirius..." He stopped.

Sirius's gaze dropped. "I'm sorry," he said, the werewolf's silence answering him loudly. He had screwed it up. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

Hands grasped his face and tilted his chin up to meet Remus's gaze. "Sirius... I," the werewolf paused and took in a shaky breath before saying, "I need you _too_."

Sirius searched the wizard's face in disbelief, relief flooding him and washing away all concern when he found the sentiment clenching in his chest echoed on his features. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Remus's gently. "I'm so glad you said that." He pressed his mouth against responsive, soft lips again, pushing up onto his knees and moving even closer, the werewolf leaning back as he continued to push forward. "So fucking glad," he said as relief continued to crash against him in waves.

He couldn't get close enough. He leaned down to keep his lips pressed to Remus's as he started to recline, his legs moving apart to straddle hips as his upper body followed him all the way down, his hands landing on either side of a headful of sandy locks. Two sets of lips parted, and his tongue moved into his friend's mouth, hands sliding down his back.

" _Remus_ ," Sirius murmured against parted lips as warm hands ran under his shirt and up his back, pulling him closer and making him feel wanted until his lower body was pressing down on the werewolf's. He groaned as they made contact through their slacks, his eyes falling shut. "Remus," he whispered again and then rolled his hips and rubbed up against him.

Remus moaned underneath him, the sound low and deep, his fingers grabbing hold of Sirius's sides and making him curse as he began to move against him, slowly finding a rhythmic pace, each movement feeling better than the last, his name on Remus's lips. "Fuck, why does this feel so good?" Remus gasped out, his hands tightening further on the wizard's lower back and urging him on as if he were afraid he might stop.

Sirius shook his head in mutual confusion as he continued to move, his excitement sliding along Remus's and forcing the air roughly from his lips as his blood began to race through his veins trying to keep up with his heart, his entire body heating up. He opened his eyes, his breathing ragged as he looked down at the wizard below him; his lips parted, head arched back and eyes tightly shut as he gasped with each movement of Sirius's hips. "Remus, look at me," he whispered.

Eyelids fluttered open to reveal hazel eyes glazed with lust.

Sirius groaned, his head dipping as the emotion reverberated through his entire body. "Fuck, you're so bloody gorgeous," he gasped out as he continued to move, a tightness warning him of what was coming. "Tell me-tell me you want to be with me."

"I want-" Remus groaned. "Sirius, I. I wanted to be with you before you ever asked."

Sirius's eyes forced themselves shut, some feeling rushing in his chest and making it hard to breathe as hands pulled him down to capture his mouth with needy lips, and then he swallowed a long groan, Remus's hips pushing up hard against his, and he felt himself topple over the edge after him. " _R-Remus._ "


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is rated E, and Sirius can be a kinky bastard sometimes. I'm just saying...

Sirius walked with his gaze pinned directly in front of him as he boarded the Hogwarts Express behind Remus, grey eyes intently focused on the werewolf's backside. Remus had a _really_ nice arse, one of the nicest he had seen really. Not that he hadn't noticed it before, because he had, but he couldn't help but think it even nicer somehow now that he thought the wizard might not mind him grabbing it.

The tall wizard cocked his head to the side, slowing his step as Remus stopped abruptly to lean over and help a first year, who had dropped a bag of sweets in the middle of the hallway. He came to a stop just a couple inches behind the wizard and looked down, resisting the urge to grab hold of the wizard's hips and push up against him. Although, maybe Remus wouldn't care. Maybe he'd like it. He could always say he had tripped... into his backside with his cock. He grinned.

"Sirius, hey."

The dark-haired wizard's gaze shot up to find Greg standing a few feet away, shooting him a nervous look. He frowned. "Hey Zabini." He looked back to Remus to find him unfortunately standing up. The werewolf shifted by his side uncomfortably but didn't make to leave.

"Remus."

"Greg."

Sirius watched the two wizards exchange not the friendliest of looks. "Well, we really should get to our car. See you 'round." He lifted his hand and encouraged Remus forward with a gentle nudge to the back and then his fingers slid over and curled discreetly around the wizard's side facing the outside wall.

"Sirius... _wait_." Remus stopped at the words, causing Sirius to follow suit behind him. "Can I talk to you? Just for a minute?"

Sirius held back a sigh, his hand dropping reluctantly. He turned around to find the Slytherin's gaze trained on the hand that had been grasping the werewolf's side with an expression in his eyes not unlike that of hurt.

He found himself nodding to his regret. "Yeah, all right."

* * *

Sirius watched the door to his and his friends' compartment slide shut behind Remus before shifting his gaze back slowly to the waiting Slytherin. He hadn't talked to the wizard since the day he'd broken things off with him. Unless he counted the next day when he had shouted expletives at him from across the Great Hall over breakfast. Probably shouldn't. Sirius cleared his throat and leaned back against the train wall as he crossed his arms tightly over his chest, not looking over at the wizard just feet from him. "I'm listening."

The Slytherin nodded, the action noticeably tense, as he glanced around, the scream of the train's whistle hurrying the footsteps of the last few students in the corridor.

Sirius let out a heavy breath. "Hurry it up, _Zabini_ , I don't fancy standing in the hall the whole trip." The tall wizard planted his feet firmly as the train jerked to a sudden start, the floor beginning to rumble under them as they began to pick up speed.

"Sorry." Greg looked over to him. "So... You - you and Remus then?" he asked, the hesitance of his words doing nothing to hide his thoughts on the subject. He wasn't pleased.

Sirius looked away. "Yes. Is that all?" he asked shortly, ignoring the feeling of discomfort at the wizard's tone. Why should he care? The Slytherin had broken up with _him_ after all.

"No," Greg said, shaking his head and taking a step closer before continuing, "I wanted to let you know that my family is going to your family's Christmas party this year. I just found out by owl a few days ago, and I didn't want it to be a surprise for you... when I showed up."

Sirius nodded curtly as he forcefully pushed back the sudden welling of emotions at the mention of his family and home. He _really_ didn't want to deal with that at the moment. "Noted," he said dryly.

The wizard let out a slow breath and took another step forward, bringing them even closer. "I also wanted to apologize... about last month. I know that I broke things off rather abruptly, and it was right before your birthday and all. It was really shitty of me, and I'm sorry for that."

Sirius's chest ached unwillingly at the unpleasant memory. He shrugged. "You did what you had to do."

"Yeah. Well. I was hoping we could maybe still be friends..."

Sirius eyed him warily at that, hiding his surprise at the unexpected request. "Why?"

The wizard looked away for a moment, appearing to be studying the moving scenery out the window, and then he met his gaze again, his expression one of regret. "Well, you were my friend _first_ \- before everything - and I don't have many. Not good ones at least," he said quietly, "I really didn't mean to hurt you, Sirius, I just, I couldn't wait around any longer for you to end things. It was killing me."

Sirius felt the softly-spoken words hit him with force. It was true. He would have cheated on him or left him as soon as Remus was receptive. And he had lied to him about his feelings to top it off-

"That's all I wanted to say," the wizard said even more quietly, interrupting his thoughts. He started to turn away. "I guess I'll see you 'round."

"Greg, _wait,_ " Sirius said suddenly, grabbing the wizard's wrist and holding him in place as he tried to gather his thoughts. He didn't know if he was making the right decision or not. He just knew that he wanted to try to make things right. "Listen, _I'm_ the one who should be apologizing here, I was bloody awful to you. And I deserved much worse. If you want to be friends again, I'm willing to try."

The wizard shot him a look of surprise. "Really?"

Sirius nodded, his hand dropping from the wizard's wrist as he pushed himself off the wall. "Yeah. _Really_."

"All right." Greg smiled the slightest bit. "I'll see you at the party in a few days."

"Yeah, see you then," he said. He watched the wizard turn and begin to walk away, opening the door to the next car, before he fell back against the wall. He dropped his head as guilt riddled his thoughts. He wouldn't treat Remus the same way he had treated the Slytherin. He wouldn't.

* * *

"Can you believe Evans? All I did was help Snivelly wash his hair, and he wasn't even hurt that badly. I mean, the castle wall _cushioned_ his fall. Honestly, I thought she'd appreciate—Sirius, there you are!" James called out from his seat beside Peter as the tall wizard entered their compartment.

"Birds, they're bloody confusing," James muttered as he flipped quickly through a new pile of chocolate frog cards with an air of disgust, like he already knew what he would find and was not pleased. "Fuck, I already have _all_ of these. Here Pete, you can have them," he said, handing over all the cards to the blond, who was eating one of the chocolate frogs. "I don't see why they won't just let you buy the cards you need. It's not _fair_ ," he groaned loudly, letting his head drop back against the seat.

"No, what's not fair is having to listen to your bloody whingeing about the stupid cards to begin with," Sirius said glibly as he walked over and plopped down beside Remus, a frown forming almost immediately when the sandy-blond didn't bother to look up from the book he was reading or acknowledge his presence. He looked down at the space between them and then scooted closer. The werewolf turned the page. He shifted even closer, until their sides were touching. "Good read?"

Remus nodded slightly, his gaze remaining firmly on the text in front of him.

Sirius leaned his head on Remus's shoulder, a small sigh escaping his lips as he relaxed some at the touch. His hand moved from his lap and over to its preferred spot, settling on the werewolf's thigh. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "That's good, I'm glad you're enjoying it..."

A smile tugged at the corners of Remus's lips. "Mhm."

Sirius grinned and tilted his chin up to place a small kiss right below the wizard's ear before whispering, "You look sexy as hell when you read. Y'know that?"

An amused laugh tried to escape stubbornly closed lips. "Stop kissing up."

Sirius placed another kiss on the wizard's neck. "No, 'sthe truth, I swear," he murmured, his hand sliding up further. "I really want to kiss you right now." He bit down on his lower lip when he heard the werewolf's breath catch at the words. Fuck.

"Do you two have something you'd like to share with me and Pete here?"

Remus pushed Sirius's hand away, scooting away to put some space between them, the back of his neck flushing as he continued to read his book.

Sirius looked up slowly to find James staring at him, his eyebrows raised expectantly, Peter mimicking the expression to a lesser degree as his gaze shifted between the three wizards.

"Yeah, _fuck off_ , Potter," he said, his tone warning as he lifted a finger to enforce the sentiment. He didn't want to think about what he and Remus were just yet, and he really didn't want to hear the werewolf's thoughts on it for some reason.

James let out an unapologetic laugh. "No, because you're being a fucking asshole and won't tell me anything," he retorted, ignoring Sirius's glare and shooting Remus a pointed look. "You'll tell me, Moony. Right? We're best mates."

"Best mates? That's news to me," Remus said dryly, placing his book on the seat beside him. Sirius let out a barking laugh and James scowled. "Anyway, there's nothing to tell," he said simply and stood up. "I need to go to the loos."

Sirius jumped up. "Yeah me too, I'll go with you, Moony," he said quickly. He followed the werewolf, kicking James in the shin as he passed and earning some new nicknames that weren't overly flattering. " _Language_ ," he chastised and then smacked his best friend on the back of the head hard, grinning at the waiting sandy-blond as he slipped out of the compartment.

"You want to go to the bathroom with me?" Remus asked slowly as he leaned against the wall.

Sirius's grin turned sheepish. "Yeah, is that all right?"

Remus tilted his chin down as he shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. "You're a needy wizard sometimes, Padfoot," he said, pushing off the wall.

"Yeah I am." The wizard wrapped an arm around the werewolf's shoulder, glancing over his own to make sure they were alone before nipping at his ear. "Don't tell me you just figured that out."

Remus laughed as he pushed open the door to the bathroom. "No, I suppose not."

Sirius walked in after him, his excitement growing, having expected the werewolf to shut him out. He locked the door quickly and then turned around to look at a quietly standing Remus expectantly. He waved his hand in the direction of the werewolf's slacks. "Okay. Whip it out."

Remus shook his head, a begrudging laugh escaping his lips. "I should have known. Turn around."

"But I-"

"Turn. Around."

Sirius sighed loudly and made a show of turning around slowly. "You're such a buzzkill."

Remus snorted. "Yeah, well one of us needs to be."

Sirius resisted spinning back around as he listened for the expected noises. "Everything working okay?"

Remus laughed again. "I swear you're getting weirder," he paused and then, "Okay, I'm good."

Sirius turned back to see the wizard making his way to the sink. He quickly moved in front of him, blocking his way and grabbing his right wrist. "No, wait," he said and then lifted the hand to his mouth, his tongue reaching out and he slowly slid it up his palm, a low groan escaping his mouth as he tasted what was the werewolf's subtle flavor. " _Remus_... You taste _so good_."

Remus's free hand grabbed Sirius's waist and pulled him close. " _Shit_ , that isn't right," he gasped.

Sirius leaned forward and captured the wizard's mouth, lips and tongues meeting in a rush. He pulled back after a few heated moments to nibble on his lower lip as he murmured in a low voice, "Let me taste it, Remus."

" _Fuck_. We. _We can't_. We're in the bathroom, someone might find out, Sirius. And I'm a bloody _prefect_."

Sirius moved down to Remus's neck, his lips pressing against warm skin needily as his hand found purchase, rubbing slowly over the werewolf through his slacks. "No, it'll be quick. I _promise,"_ he whispered and then his tongue darted out to meet a scar that ran up behind the wizard's ear, a groan rumbling in his chest as his tongue trailed along deliciously uneven skin. "I won't see you for so _long,_ Remus. Please."

Remus cursed under his breath as his chest rose and fell roughly and then said, "Okay, but we have to be fast."

Sirius pulled back, smiling as he lowered to his knees quickly, his fingers already working to unbutton the werewolf's slacks. "I'll do my best." A hand landed on his shoulder when his own made contact with newly exposed skin, and a gasp escaped parted lips. He looked up at the werewolf as he opened his mouth, his tongue reaching out - and he leaned forward to get a better taste.

" _S-Sirius_..."

Hissed words and encouraging gasps filled the air as strong hands settled on his head, lacing themselves in his hair, the wizard losing himself in the intoxicating feel and taste of the werewolf.

* * *

"Fuck," Remus gasped out, leaning back against the wall in the small bathroom, looking like he might collapse as Sirius carefully situated him.

Sirius stood up, an impish grin playing at his lips. "Was that good for you?"

Remus pulled him into a fervent kiss, his tongue pushing into his mouth immediately, an answering groan being swallowed. "That - that was _amazing_ ," the werewolf said breathily and then began to kiss him again, his hands reaching up to grasp his face as he tried to pull him impossibly closer.

Sirius laughed against his mouth. "Yeah, well I've lots of practice," he teased.

Remus growled. "You're such a bastard sometimes." He pulled him back into a deep kiss as his hand ran over Sirius's stomach and then down to his slacks.

Sirius groaned at the jealous touch. "I'm sorry, Remus," he gasped out, his body responding eagerly to the werewolf's hand.

" _How_ sorry?" The whispered words were carried along with hot breaths of air that brushed the wizard's neck before traveling downward, coating his entire body in an unbearable want.

Grey eyes fell shut. "So sorry. _So_ fucking sorry, Remus. I'll be as sorry you want me to be," he whispered pleadingly. "Just - just don't stop."

"You're just saying that so I'll get you off," Remus retorted even as he began to work at the buttons to Sirius's slacks.

"No I'm not, I _swear,_ " he insisted. His heart began to pound roughly against his chest when he felt his slacks begin to loosen, and then the wizard's hand made direct contact. Rough skin touching smooth for the first time. " _Fuck Remus_ ," he breathed.

"I'd like to try too... What you did," Remus said in a hushed voice, his words suddenly hesitant. "But it would be my first time. Is that okay?"

Sirius felt his breath try to leap out of his lungs all at once. Remus wanted to touch him. With his mouth. And he'd never done it before. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_. He fought to calm down as he nodded jerkily, just the thought of it making him want to finish right then. "Yes, yes _please_."

Sirius sucked in shallow breaths, and he watched in utter fascination as the sandy-blond slowly lowered down onto his knees before him.

Unsure hazel eyes looked up at him, meeting his gaze from a new angle. He ran his hand gently through sandy locks despite wanting to pull at them roughly. "You don't have to do it," he said softly, resisting the urge to push his hips forward a few inches and make himself out to be a complete liar.

"No. No, I know... I want to," Remus said, his expression slowly growing more determined, and he began to lean in-

"Holy _shit."_ Sirius struggled to keep his eyes open, his breaths coming in ragged gasps as he watched the sandy-blond begin to move tentatively. Shy hazel eyes flicked up to meet his. "Oh, _fuck me_." Sirius's world tilted on its side and his knees tried to forget their function. He gently grasped hold of soft sandy locks to help stabilize himself as the werewolf continued to move over him, and he felt himself nearing his climax far too quickly under the werewolf's unpracticed movement. He tapped sandy locks urgently. "Remus - Remus, _pull back_."

The werewolf's hands tightened their grip on his thighs instead and enveloped him even further.

Sirius let out a ragged laugh. "Fuck _yes_ ," he hissed, excitement surging in his chest, and then the wizard's name escaped his lips in a drawn out moan as he began to pulse, giving the sandy-blond what had wanted to belong to him for longer than he could remember. He let out a heavy breath and fell back against the sink gracelessly, letting his legs rest.

"Was that - was that okay?" Remus looked up at him nervously.

" _Okay_?" Sirius let out an incredulous laugh as he pulled an unsure Remus up, capturing his lips with his own grateful ones. He moaned as he tasted himself mingled with the werewolf, the perfect flavor dancing on his taste buds, and then he began to pepper insistent kisses on still uncertain lips. "Remus, _that_ was fucking _fantastic_ ," he murmured between kisses and then pulled back to look directly in hazel eyes. "I hope you know, you've ruined me for anyone else."

A smile slowly pushed up the corners of Remus's mouth, the expression surprisingly impish. "Good," he said simply and then met his lips again.

Sirius grinned against his mouth, wrapping his arms around him tightly. 

* * *

"Well guys, I really should be going now," Sirius said a little too quietly with a forced grin as he stood up, the train starting to slow down and his thoughts speeding up to compensate. He avoided his friends' gazes as he used his wand to lower his trunk. He didn't want to see the expression he expected to find - that they felt sorry for him.

"What's the rush, mate?" James asked, the usual playfulness gone from his voice and replaced with obvious concern.

"Just don't want to keep my parents waiting. I'll see you guys after my extended break," he said offhandedly as he pulled open the door to their compartment, not waiting to hear their goodbyes. He stepped out into the hallway, the muted sounds of boisterous voices seeping under the doors and making him want to scream. He let out a slow breath and then started to walk-

"Sirius wait." A hand grabbed hold of his arm, stopping him.

The tall wizard turned around slowly to meet hazel eyes. "I _really_ need to go, Remus," he said in a tight voice.

"I know," Remus said quickly. He paused for a moment before saying, "I just—take care of yourself, okay?"

Sirius forced a crooked grin even as his chest tightened unbearably. "I always do."

"No you don't." The werewolf shook his head, looking around as doors began to open and wizards began to spill out into the hallway, their voices carrying too loudly and making the area feel suddenly smaller. He spoke quietly, "Please, just promise me. If it gets too bad - _leave_."

Sirius felt another emotion join the tightness in his chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. He looked down and nodded. "I will," he lied.

Remus nodded after a moment and released his grip. "Good. I'll see you soon."

Sirius looked up into still worried eyes. "Yeah, _soon_ ," he said firmly and then pulled him into a playful-looking hug like he might James or Peter, earning them no unexpected looks from passing students. He breathed in the werewolf's scent deeply and then whispered softly in his ear: "I'll be fine." And then he stepped back and let out a feigned impish laugh before turning to make his way down the busy corridor, his mind buzzing louder and louder.

* * *

"Hello Mother, it's good to see you," Sirius said quietly as he stopped in front of the older witch who was dressed in a fitted black dress coat, her hair pulled back in a severe bun as she looked pointedly past him. He let out a slow breath when he noticed her face twitch like she often would if one of the house elves made the mistake of addressing her directly.

" _Regulus_ ," the witch called out suddenly in a syrupy-sweet voice as she walked past Sirius to greet his younger brother, pulling him into a hug. "You've grown so much," she said approvingly.

"Thank you, Mother," the young wizard replied politely.

Sirius nodded as he looked down at the ground, his chest aching despite his best efforts. _Stop it,_ he chastised himself firmly. He had much bigger worries at the moment than if his mother had decided to pretend he didn't exist. He wondered if his father not coming to pick them up was a good or bad sign. Maybe it was neutral. He might be busy with work or perhaps he wasn't even home. He ran an agitated hand up into his hair.

"Stop that, Sirius, I can't stand to look at you when your hair is messed like that," his mother said sharply.

Sirius's hand fell from his hair obediently out of habit. He apologized softly and then directed his gaze to the departing students and their families, distracting himself as he waited quietly to leave.


	56. Chapter 56

Sirius stepped out of the black marble fireplace and into the sitting room of Twelve Grimmauld Place, green flames flaring to life behind him before the smoke had even cleared.

"Your father wants to speak with you, he's in his office." The words were spoken sharply.

Sirius nodded slightly. "Yes, Mother."

He walked past his younger brother, avoiding eye contact with the wizard who had frozen mid-step at the words not meant for him, and out into the hallway. He made his way, turning the corner, his shoes falling silently on the plush forest green carpet that lined the dark corridor, his legs seemingly moving of their own accord as his mind buzzed with indiscernible thoughts, each one passing more quickly than the last, the wizard not able to make sense of them.

He came to a stop in front of the tall door at the end of the hallway. He felt his breathing begin to pick up despite his best efforts, and he closed his eyes tightly as he reached out, his hand making contact with the cool door handle. He forced his hand to push down and then he was entering the office.

"Sirius, I've been _expecting_ you."

The wizard walked in, letting the door shut with a heavy click behind him. He forced himself to make eye contact with the older wizard who was sitting in the tall-backed chair behind his desk and nodded slowly. "Yes Father, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting."

"Yes." The man stood up, and Sirius planted his feet, resisting the sudden urge to run from the room. "It seems you have a few things to apologize for today, don't you?"

Sirius's hands hung by his side as they tingled, wanting to clench and unclench to release some of the stress that was continuously building now that he was no longer moving. "Yes, Sir," he forced out the words as the man began to approach him slowly, his expression unreadable.

"Sirius," his father said in a slow voice, "do you _know_ how many of your family members have been suspended from school before you?"

Sirius shook his head slightly. "No, Sir," he said in a tight voice as the wizard stopped directly in front of him.

"None."

The young wizard blinked. He didn't know if he should respond to that. "I'm sorry, Fath-."

"None. Not. _One_ ," he continued on as if Sirius hadn't even spoken, his gaze darkening as his jaw grew more tense. "You. The future leader of the noble and most ancient house of Black are the _first_."

Sirius swallowed hard. "I'm so-" He cut off when his head swung to the side. He staggered a couple steps, his hand reaching up to cup his face, a ringing in his ears making it hard to focus or think as he watched his father approach him again.

"Give me your wand, Sirius."

Sirius breathed heavily as he found himself staring into swirling dark orbs. His father's. "My - my wand?" he asked in confusion, and then he found himself stumbling again and cursing under his breath.

"Your wand, Sirius. Give it to me, _now_."

Sirius blinked rapidly as he tried to decide what to do and then he was flung back and into a table that was set up against the wall. He crashed against it, the sharp edge stabbing into his back and his head hitting the wall with a sickening thud and then he felt it collapse under him, and he hit the floor with a groan. He felt warm liquid begin to run down several places on his back and sides. " _Fuck_."

" _Your wand_."

Sirius looked up at his father as he struggled to push himself off the ground, his back and side throbbing and head pounding, a hiss sucking in between his lips when he pushed a piece of what must have been glass deep into the palm of his left hand. He kept his gaze trained on his father, who was standing ten feet away, his just used wand still out and pointed directly at him. He reached an unsteady hand into his suit jacket and pulled out the long black wand. He held it out, his hand shaking in its grip around it as it fought the man's instructions, not wanting to release the only protection it had.

"Bring it to me," the man said in a demanding, quiet voice.

Sirius took a step, wincing when his hip screamed out in pain, burning at the slight movement. He gritted his teeth and continued to approach the man with the slightest limp, his hand shaking harder the closer he got to the older wizard. He stopped just within arm's reach of his father, his wand down and close to his side, his knuckles white.

The man held out his free hand, the movement slow and guarded, as the other remained pointed at his chest. "Hand it over."

Sirius felt magic crackle under his fingertips and then shoot up into his arm and then an answering charge went back down, the cycle repeating and making a circuit until the wand almost felt like a part of him. He didn't know if he could part with it. He pressed his lips together tightly as he fought to lift his arm and hand the wand over.

" _Sirius_."

The young wizard looked up slowly, his pained gaze settling on his father as a new feeling began to form in his chest, solidifying and clearing his thoughts except for one; he wouldn't do it. He found himself shaking his head. "No."

"I'm sorry?" The man took a menacing step forward. " _What_ did you say to me?"

A familiar fear surged forward, mingling with the defiance that was resisting his father's direct order and tried to strangle it, making him feel light-headed as the latter refused to give in. He shook his head again as his heart pounded wildly against his chest either to get him to stop or to encourage him on. He couldn't tell. "I said no. I - I won't give it to you. It's mine."

The man nodded slowly, an icy expression flashing in his gaze. "I see. Very well," he said softly, and then whispered a single word: " _Crucio_."

Sirius felt before he saw the ugly red light hit him. He heard a scream, the sound growing quickly and clawing at his ears as his insides felt like they were suddenly burning, the fire trying to work itself outward. He grabbed at his chest and then dropped to the floor, wishing it would burst to release the unbearable pain from its depths. Needles began to pierce his skin, burning in its coldness, sinking into him and only fueling the fire that was raging inside. He heard a laugh. And then another, the sound taunting him. He was going to die. He wanted to. His throat spasmed as laughs filled his mind. It would be nice. He would just-

A smack jerked his eyes open. He looked up into grey eyes he knew well, his chest heaving, his shirt sticking to him. His gaze caught on his wand, in his father's hand. He must have dropped it. He felt his chest heave, and a croak of a laugh escaped dry lips. That had been pointless.

He watched as the man held up his wand in front of him within reach, waiting for something. He tried to lift his wand arm, but it fell back after only a couple inches, too weak to reach the wand dangling just a foot above him.

"You see this?"

Sirius turned his head away and began to laugh again, the sound unsteady and the action stinging his chest as well as his eyes. He was too weak. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be a wizard.

"This is no longer yours until I say so."

* * *

Sirius stood outside four days later. It was Christmas Eve, and he was alone on the balcony that attached to the Black ballroom, the only light from the almost full moon hanging overhead, the skin under his eyes matching the surrounding dark sky. He held a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and an unread and wadded up letter from James in the other; his tie undone, shirt unbuttoned a few times, sleeves pushed up carelessly and his jacket lying in the snow behind him despite his fingers being numb and his lips feeling like ice without the usual warming charm.

He hated the Holidays. Amongst other things. He crumpled up the letter and opened his hand, watching as it dropped over the banister's edge only to disappear in the darkness below. He didn't feel like hearing from his friends.

He let out a harsh laugh and took another drink, trying to completely numb the injuries inside and outside his body that had yet to heal. He shifted more of his weight to his right leg, his left one still stubbornly burning through the copious amounts of alcohol pulsing through his veins. At least the roar that was his thoughts had dulled to a low humming noise after the first bottle.

"Sirius, _there_ you are." The wizard didn't look up but took another drink instead. "I've been looking for you, _dear cousin_." The words were purred. "Why are you out here all alone?"

Sirius felt an icy hand land on his arm, and he jerked back, pushing the unwanted hand off. "Don't _fucking_ touch me," he growled, rubbing at his arm, his skin crawling from the offending contact. He didn't want _anyone_ to touch him. Ever again. He glared openly at Bellatrix, the witch standing in a severe looking black dress that was cut low in the front, smiling at him with a knowing expression in her eyes that made him want to hex her over the banister. He glared darkly instead and took another drink, leaning back against the wall of his house. He couldn't do that, not without his fucking wand.

"Bad holiday?"

Sirius closed his eyes and took an even bigger drink. "Go away Bella, I'm trying to enjoy Christmas with my bottle of firewhiskey."

A bubbling laugh filled the space. "I can see that - but I can't leave you unfortunately, not just _yet_. I've come to see if you would like to go with me tomorrow to meet Tom Riddle."

Sirius shook his head as he looked down into his bottle of liquor. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Sirius dear, I can see you're upset," the witch cooed, her voice taking on a soft lilt as she slunk towards him. "I heard what happened between you and Uncle Orion. And I have to say - staying here and sulking will get you _nowhere_."

Sirius snorted. He took a long drink and glared at his older cousin. "What would you suggest then, _Cousin_?" he asked, his words scathing.

A smile slowly formed on deep red, pouty lips. "Why _revenge_ , of course," she whispered in a fervent voice, her dark grey eyes taking on an almost glowing hue.

Sirius shifted against the wall as he eyed the witch carefully, the offer winding around his dark thoughts and making him feel better than he had in days. "And how would meeting with this Riddle wizard do that?"

The witch laughed softly, the tone somehow taunting. "Oh Sirius, it's _so_ good that you have me to explain things to you," she said in a silky voice and then leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed he isn't at this year's party?"

Sirius shrugged. He had noticed, he had also noticed though that quite a few other families were absent. "Yeah, so?"

"So, that's because he wasn't _invited_ ," she said in a sharp whisper, her lips hovering by his ear, "Lines are being _drawn_ , and your parents have decided not to choose a side. They'd prefer to just stand back... pretending they're too good to be bothered."

She tutted in a disapproving manner as Sirius began to listen with more interest. "But if you were to go against your father's lead... it would be _quite_ the statement." She lifted a hand to his cheek but then stopped just short of touching him, seemingly remembering Sirius's statement from earlier and withdrawing it with a saccharin grin. "He would take it as an ultimate act of betrayal but wouldn't be able to do _anything_ to you about it. It would infuriate your father more than you could _imagine_."

Sirius stood quietly, trying to think through the liter of alcohol his brain was swimming in. "If my parents don't want anything to do with his agenda, what makes you think I would?"

The raven-haired witch arched a single dark eyebrow. "Well, you're not really like them, are you? Your father and mother, and even Regulus. And you _are_ the heir to the Black family fortune, Sirius. Who are _they_ to make your decisions and expect you to follow them blindly? Come. Listen to what he has to say, then make your own decision."

Sirius breathed out slowly. He remembered the wizard well. And despite everything he said being admirable and his mannerisms impeccable, there had been something off about him, something unsettling. Foreboding almost. Although, if his parents didn't like him, maybe it was worth at least seeing what he had to say. "All right. I'll go, but I need your help with something first."

The witch's smile grew impossibly wider. " _Name it,_ " she said in a whisper, a manic gleam dancing in her eyes.

Sirius's gaze hardened as he took a step forward, lifting the bottle of firewhiskey with his arm drawn back, and then he chucked it as hard as he could. He watched with quiet satisfaction as it spun through the air and then hit its intended target, a newly crafted statue of his father's favorite aunt, the glass bottle shattering on impact. He smiled as the marble figure wiped at its face, cursing at him from below in the garden. He turned to the witch.

"I need help getting my wand back."


	57. Chapter 57

Sirius woke up slowly to sunlight shining down on him, his eyelids not able to completely block out the bright morning light. He rolled over and pressed his face into his pillow, breathing in deeply and smiling at the familiar scent. He shifted to his side as he stretched languidly, yawning, his hands searching for someone but finding nothing. He frowned, opened his eyes and looked around. "Remus?" he called out in alarm.

"I'm still here," the sandy-blond said, walking into the enormous bedroom from the adjoined bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair damp. "Morning. I thought you might stay in bed all day."

Sirius patted the empty space beside him and winked at him, memories from the night before flooding his mind. "Only if you'll join me," he said with a playful grin.

Remus shot him an answering grin, but the expression was tainted with a ruefulness as he shook his head, not approaching the wizard. "I wish I could, but I can't. Your family will be home in a couple hours, remember? I need to go soon."

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "What?" He looked around the room, realizing for the first time they weren't in their dorm. It almost looked like his parents' room. "My family?" he asked abruptly.

"Yeah." Remus walked over and sat on the bed. "Evie and the kids," he added, shooting him a concerned look. He leaned in a little closer, sandy blond eyebrows furrowing. "Are you feeling all right this morning? You seem a bit different..."

"Evie... and the _kids_?" Sirius looked into hazel eyes, a feeling of dread spilling into his chest as he realized the werewolf was older than he should be. Something was very wrong. He looked down at his lap to find a wide platinum band on his left hand's ring finger. "I'm not married."

"You definitely are," Remus said somewhat sorely as he scooted closer, his mouth only inches from Sirius's ear as he continued in a whisper, "Sirius... wake up."

* * *

Alarmed grey eyes shot open. Sirius sat up in his bed, Slytherin green sheets falling down off his chest and pooling in his lap, his gaze darting around to find himself in his bedroom sans Remus and—he looked down with a jerk—and no wedding ring. He ran a hand up into his hair as a heavy sigh fell from his lips followed by an unamused but relieved laugh. _It was just a dream_. He had forgotten about the blasted potion-induced vision. At least he thought he had.

He pushed himself out of his warm bed, and his feet hit cold hardwood floors, the amount of sunlight shining in his window revealing he had slept in. He held back a groan. It looked like he'd be missing Christmas breakfast. He smoothed his hair down as he walked over to his closet. It was probably better. He'd most likely lose any appetite he had upon seeing his parents anyway, and he needed to hurry if he was going to be ready to go with Bellatrix.

He pulled open the doors of the large wardrobe, the dream that was only a slightly warped version of his vision trying to replay in his mind again as his eyes glazed over pieces of clothing. He shoved it away. He didn't know why he had revisited it, but it was _not_ his heart's desire, at least it never had been consciously. And it definitely hadn't been ever since the day he had seen it in his drug-ridden stupor. The potion had obviously been botched, or maybe Bella had been fucking with him. He wouldn't be surprised.

It didn't make sense otherwise. He would never be happy with that; marrying Evie and sneaking time with Remus on the side. And there was no way he could expect Remus to be okay with such a set up. He paused, his hand resting on a white shirt that looked like countless others beside it. Could he? He shook his head, letting out a clipped laugh as he pulled out the top and then grabbed a pair of black slacks and a tie as an after thought before walking over to his bed. No, he definitely couldn't. Remus wouldn't want to be his... mistress? Was there even a term for the male counterpart?

He dropped his pajama pants and grabbed his slacks. He stepped into them as his thoughts grew more concerning. What exactly was he planning on doing with the werewolf though? He was one of his best friends. The guy he wanted to snog more than anyone he had ever met. He didn't see them dating casually, but the thought of pursuing anything more serious, or permanent, sounded near impossible with his parents' expectations.

He pulled his sleep shirt off over his head and grabbed his button up. Remus had to be thinking along the same lines. Hadn't he? He had mentioned it after all the summer before when they had been in muggle London. Although, he had said that was the reason for not wanting to be with Sirius. What had changed? What did he expect from Sirius? Or was it just a matter of him not caring as much anymore?

His eyes darted unwillingly over to his dresser as he knotted his tie, his gaze settling on an unopened letter sitting in the dead center of the oversized furniture piece where he had left it the night before. He pulled on his jacket as he walked over, stopping in front of it and adjusting his collar. His gaze drifted down to the Potter family seal. He swallowed hard as he picked up the note, James's owl having pecked on his bedroom window at near midnight to deliver the letter to him personally.

He let out a slow breath as he sat down on the edge of his bed, his gaze trained on the neat handwriting. It was Remus's; he recognized it easily. He trailed a finger along the first 's' in his name as he tried to decide if he wanted to read it. He would probably want to know how he was doing. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he pictured the lean sandy-blond sitting at James's desk, leaned over as he wrote him the letter, his hair probably falling down to obscure his face somewhat as he carefully wrote out the note amidst James's chattering. Shit. He shouldn't have attacked Crabbe in front of everyone, if he hadn't been caught he could be on his way to see him right then. "Fuck it." He ran his finger under the crease, breaking the Potter family seal and unfolding the letter. He began to scan the letter-

_Sirius,_

_Happy Christmas. Sorry I am writing you so late, but I only arrived at James's a few hours ago, and we just retired for the night. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay. James says that he's sent you three letters already since break started, but you haven't responded to any of them and asked me to try. He's convinced that you're ignoring his. Please write back, even if it's just to let us know how you're doing._

Sirius felt an uncomfortable clenching in his chest when he noticed the letter wasn't signed. He walked over to his dresser, picking up a quill and dipping it in the nearby ink well and then began to scrawl his response on the extra piece of parchment Remus had sent.

_Remus,_

_Happy Christmas_. He paused only for a second. _I'm perfectly fine. Tell James to stop being such a bloody bird. I've just been busy with parties and family obligations. How's your break been so far?_

He hesitated again, his hand pausing as he chewed on the inside of his lip. He pressed his lips together firmly as the quill touched down once more.

_Mine would be much better if I were spending it with you. I miss you. A lot._

_Sirius_

He folded the letter and quickly addressed it to James before picking up a bar of sealing wax, using one of the many spelled candles in his room to melt it since he didn't have his wand.

"Is that a letter for your new plaything?"

Sirius stamped the Black family seal down firmly on the cooling wax, his gaze hardening. "I see you've forgotten your manners since becoming a LeStrange, Bella. However, it's still common practice in the upper echelons to knock before entering someone's private quarters."

He turned and walked over to his window as the witch let out a thrilled laugh, a black owl flying over and landing on the sill only a second later. He tied the letter to its leg, and then remained there to watch wistfully as it flew away, wishing pathetically it could take him with it.

His cousin sauntered forward. "So moody, you're like a bitch in heat, Sirius. But... I think you'll change your tune once you see what I've _brought_ you."

Sirius turned around to see the witch slowly pull the object he had been missing sorely from out of her left sleeve.

"Looky what I have _here_ , dear cousin," the witch cooed as she held up the fifteen-inch black wand, waving it before his eyes and smirking when they followed the taunting motion with a covetous gleam.

Sirius strode towards her, his wand hand out.

"Ah, ah ah," the witch said, causing him to freeze in his footsteps when she lowered it to chest level, pointing it at him. " _What_ do you say?"

Sirius clenched his jaw, his palm up and fingers remaining outstretched despite wanting to curl into a tight fist. "...Thank you - _Bella_."

The witch let out a lofty laugh. "No need to sound so angry." She turned the wand around, offering it to him and looking away with a haughty boredom gracing her features. "It wasn't easy to get a hold of that, you know."

Sirius reached out for the wand, his eyes falling closed when his fingers wrapped around it securely, the connection between him and his wand surging to life. He let out a sigh of relief. "How did you get it?"

Bellatrix let out a throaty laugh. "Trust me, dear cousin, you _don't_ want to know."

Sirius looked up at the witch. He reluctantly placed the wand in his inside jacket pocket as he eyed her carefully. "Actually, I do, because I'd like to have an explanation ready when my father asks how I got it without his knowledge, or consent, for that matter," he said tersely, not allowing his thoughts to travel down the path of what would happen. It would be worth it.

The witch's tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She sashayed towards him, closing the gap between them as she bit down on her full lower lip. The witch leaned up on her toes and placed a whisper-soft kiss on his cheek before whispering in his ear, "That won't be an issue. Uncle Orion _gave_ it to me."

Sirius took a step back and then another, something rising in his chest that made him feel like he might be sick. He swallowed hard, forcing the words from his mind and chastising himself sharply. He had his wand back; that's all he cared to think about. "Even better," he said coolly, preventing the ambivalent feelings from seeping into his voice and giving him away.

Bellatrix let out an airy laugh as she closed the space between them once more. "My, you impress me more and more, little cousin. You're not so little anymore though - are you?" She trailed the back of her hand along Sirius's cheek, smiling widely when he gritted his teeth under the gentle touch. "You're so tense, I could help you with that, you know. We are family after all."

Sirius lifted his hand, his fingers wrapping around the witch's thin wrist and tightening as he pulled her hand from his face. "No thank you. I'm not interested." His hand tightened further when she tried to pull it away, not trusting her.

"That feels good," she moaned, lifting her free hand to rest over the buttons of his slacks without warning. "Are you sure about that? You seem _very_ interested."

Sirius closed his eyes. Two different types of frustration warring for control. "Don't sound so pleased with yourself. I get hard by an errant draft."

A unsettling giggle bubbled from the witch's painted red lips as she leaned forward, Sirius's hands loosening slightly as she continued to run her fingers along him. "I'm much more fun than a breeze, I _assure_ you."

Sirius swallowed hard. This was a very bad idea. "Consider it a thank you for your wand," she whispered.

"I can't." Sirius licked his suddenly dry lips as long fingernails began to scrape teasingly across his lower stomach. "I have someone," he said, more hesitantly than he would have liked.

"Then pretend I'm him." She pulled at his waist line.

" _No_." Sirius sucked in a sharp breath, grabbing hold of and removing her hand carefully from his slacks. "No, my thanks can be my going with you today, like we agreed."

The witch pushed her lips together in a pout as Sirius backed away. "You're no fun."

Sirius shook his head, still trying to calm down his traitorous body as he fixed his shirt. "I never said I was."

* * *

"Mr. Black, so good to see you again."

"Sirius, please," the Black heir said politely as he stood in the LeStrange parlor an hour later, shaking hands once again with the striking half-blood who had somehow made enemies with his parents.

"Ah yes. Sirius," the man replied smoothly, his smile widening to display two rows of perfect white teeth. "I'm so glad you decided to meet with me again. How have you been?" He waved to the nearby black sofa and took a seat once Sirius had sat, leaving a cushion of space between them.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Fine. I'll be even better once the Holidays are over," he hedged.

The man nodded knowingly. "And your extended break."

Sirius's gaze narrowed. "Yes. _That too_ ," he said, his tone growing cold as his recent punishment was pushed to the forefront of his mind unwillingly.

Tom shifted closer, his speech growing more private despite the fact that they were alone in the room, Bella having left them to talk immediately upon arrival. "My apologies. I did not mean to offend."

Sirius relaxed somewhat, but his expression remained wary as anger settled stubbornly in his chest. "It's fine. I'd rather not talk about it though," he said, his tone clipped.

The older wizard nodded slowly. "Very well." He pulled out his wand, making Sirius stiffen in his seat. "No need to worry, I only want to show you something." He lifted his wand, pointing it at the door and flicking his wrist. It swung open and something small flew into the room and into the wizard's waiting hand. He held it up for Sirius to see as the door swung shut again. " _This_."

Sirius eyed a small glass vial filled with an iridescent potion. "What is it?"

The wizard held up the vial, his gaze studying it before shifting their intense focus onto the young wizard. "Wolfsbane potion."

Sirius swallowed, his heart beginning to thump wildly in his chest. "The potion you had been working on?" he asked carefully, trying not to seem too interested in the vial dangling before him within arm's reach. The potion that had excited Remus so much just by the idea of it. A way to help him even when Sirius couldn't be there for him.

"Yes." The wizard closed his fingers around the bottle, hiding it from view. "There's enough here to help a cursed wizard for twelve moon cycles. I've finally perfected it."

"I'm glad to hear that." Sirius tore his gaze away from the wizard's closed hand. "Although, I'm not sure what this has to do with me."

A soft chuckle filled the air, Sirius's gaze jerking back up to find the wizard holding out his hand, offering him the vial. "For your _friend_."

Sirius blinked. "My friend?" he heard himself say as the vial was pressed into his hand he hadn't even realized was open. He closed his fingers around it even as he said, "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

The older wizard leaned back against the couch, angling himself towards Sirius and shooting him a look of complete understanding. "We needn't talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, Sirius. Consider it a novelty gift from me to sit unused on one of your shelves if you'd prefer. But if one _were_ to use it-" He paused, his gaze growing more serious. "It would need to be taken at the same time every day, one drop, the five days up until and including the full moon, or its intended effects would not be felt."

Sirius nodded ever so slightly as his grip tightened around the bottle. He forced himself to put it in his inner pocket, beside his wand, a feeling of gratitude rushing in his chest and relaxing his lips. "So, Mr. Riddle, what have you done to lose favor with my parents?"

The wizard's lips slowly curled up into a smile. "I'm glad you asked, it is the reason for my wanting to meet with you today."


	58. Chapter 58

Sirius trailed down the long hallway to his room, his thoughts weighting down his steps as his mind went over and over what the wizard named Riddle had said. Sirius couldn't help but feel the charismatic man wasn't telling him everything. He stopped at his room, his hand landing on the door handle as his words ran through his mind.

 _"All I want is for the world to be as one. Why do we have a muggle world and a wizarding world, Sirius? Why are they separate? I'll tell you why. Because muggles fear us, what we're capable of. They don't understand our powers, and so they fear it - they hate it. They hate us. The Wizengamot would have us go further and further into hiding to remedy this problem, wasting the time of talented wizards, whose sole job have become to keep our world a secret - us a secret. Put restrictions on our magical use, penalize us for using the power we were born with—and for what—so someone with inferior strength won't know we_ exist _? Should we be ashamed of who we are?"_

Sirius opened the door to his room and walked in. Everything he had said had been reasonable, but it couldn't be so simple as just deciding not to hide anymore, or else they would have already done it. Right?

_"Well that's why I'm here. I have a plan, and I believe that it can solve many of the problems we as wizards face, problems we have yet to address, problems we have yet to even realize."_

Sirius walked over to his dresser, looking at himself in the large mirror set atop it. The wizard had asked him to join his movement after his final year of Hogwarts. Not only for wizards but to stand up for the rights of others who had been oppressed. Magical creatures of all sorts, not just wizards. Giants, goblins... Werewolves.

 _"Do you know that your friend, that as of now, when he leaves Hogwarts - where he's not even legally allowed to attend - he will not be able to find work? I'm sure he is well aware. He will have to be registered as a_ half-breed _, he's not even considered a wizard by the laws we have now, and he won't be allowed to be married or even live in certain areas. Why are we as a society doing the same thing to werewolves as muggles have done to us for centuries?"_

Sirius leaned his hands on the dresser, his chin dipping. He didn't know what to do. The wizard had asked him for his loyalty. He had in turn asked him for time to consider it. He was too young to be dealing with things of this nature. Why was his support even wanted?

" _You are too modest. You are the heir to the Black family fortune, Sirius, and many will look to you as an example in the days to come. Fellow students, family members who don't necessarily agree with your parents' viewpoint. And I will need all the support I can get for this to work, because the backlash will be monumental._

 _"Who will oppose me, you ask? The Ministry of Magic as a whole, those who are set in their ways with how things are. People who are_ afraid _to stand up for themselves and have fooled themselves into thinking that it's for the best, those who would rather hide and pretend like it doesn't matter because they are happy with their personal lives and can't see beyond that... People like your parents, Sirius."_

Sirius ran a hand up into his hair. The wizard had said he would be waiting for his answer and that they could set up another meeting at the beginning of summer. He had also said his friends were welcome to join the cause. He just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

"Sirius."

Sirius pushed himself upright quickly, smoothing down his hair as his mind scrambled furiously to shift from his thoughts to focus on the wizard clad in all black standing before him.

"Father," he forced out politely, hiding his confusion and the sudden welling of emotions at seeing the wizard. They hadn't spoken in private since his first day home. Since he had— _No_. He cleared his throat when it tried to close up on him, stomping down the too raw memory for later or even better... never.

The older wizard made his way further into his room. He looked around at the neatly kept bedroom, the only sign Sirius was there his school trunk that was pushed up against the wall near his wardrobe and a Quidditch magazine that was sitting open on top of his nightstand. Sirius picked up the magazine and pulled open his nightstand drawer, placing it inside of it quickly.

"You keep your room very clean," the wizard said in a conversational tone.

Sirius nodded stiffly, fighting the urge to pull out his wand as the man walked towards him. He held back a flinch when a hand landed heavily on his shoulder, cool grey eyes boring into his.

"Sirius, you have behaved very well since your punishment. I'm very pleased."

Sirius breathed in slowly, resisting clenching his jaw, the muscles in his shoulder tensing under the unwanted touch. Punishment? Is _that_ what he had considered that? His eyes narrowed ever so slightly as a flash of red shot through his mind. "Thank you - Father," he said in a cold voice, a dark feeling creeping into his mind.

The man smiled slowly. "I'm not sure how you talked your cousin into procuring your wand for you, but I was quite impressed with your ingenuity."

Sirius nodded, the movement slight, said wand weighing heavily in his pocket as his father leered at the memory he undoubtedly was revisiting that involved his cousin. He resisted the urge to respond. Bella didn't need him to protect her virtue, he hadn't asked or wanted her to do that, and she _definitely_ hadn't seemed disturbed if her propositioning him immediately afterward was any indicator. He grimaced internally before returning his attention to ridding himself of his father's presence.

He spoke up in a clipped voice, "Is there something more you needed from me, Father?" He watched grey eyes flash with something akin to anger for a split-second before clearing and his father's smile widened, the hand on his shoulder tightening, or perhaps he was imagining it.

"Yes, Sirius, I believe that despite your slight," he paused before saying, " _indiscretion,_ you are growing up to be a fine young wizard. And that... that is why I've come to tell you that you may go stay at Potter Manor for the last few days of break."

Sirius's eyes widened ever so slightly. He had to have misheard. He couldn't be serious. "Sir?" he asked cautiously, not able to keep the surprise completely out of his voice.

Orion nodded, removing his hand from Sirius's shoulder. "I spoke with Charlus over the floo just before I came up here and arranged everything already. Gather your things and we will go as soon as you're ready. We're meeting him and James in Diagon Alley."

Sirius nodded quickly. "Yes, thank you, Father," he said a little too eagerly, the thought of escaping from Twelve Grimmauld loosening his tongue.

The wizard turned and started to walk away but stopped a few steps short of the door. He turned back. "Sirius, _one_ thing."

Sirius blinked, the relief he had been flooded with ebbing slightly. "Sir?"

The wizard eyed him coolly. "I know about your _friend_." He tilted his head, Sirius's expression carefully blank, before adding, " _Lupin_."

Sirius felt his heart stop. He didn't respond. What did that mean? He couldn't know what he thought. Although even if he didn't he was surely still in trouble. He wasn't even supposed to be friends with him anymore.

The man studied him for a moment longer. "And while I wouldn't normally condone interacting with one of such breeding, I can understand how such a thing could be... _appealing_." The man adjusted his collar, sounding as if he were talking about some exotic magical artifact and not one of the most important people in Sirius's life. "So, I'm going to allow it for now. But Sirius, if you're not more discreet and it gets back to me again, you _will_ have to end it. Do you understand?"

Sirius found himself nodding, confusion slowing his thoughts. He knew. He knew and he was... allowing it? "Yes, thank you, Father," he heard himself say.

The man dipped his chin in a slight nod. "I want you to know, I'm not unreasonable, Sirius. But I do demand your complete respect and _loyalty,_ to this family - and to _me._ Remember that _._ " He turned with one last pointed look and then left the room.

Sirius sat down on his bed, the emotions swirling in his chest too intermingled to make sense of.

* * *

Sirius reluctantly placed his hand on his father's forearm, sucking in a preemptive breath at the expected sharp tug that seemed to pull from within his stomach, sucking him in and then he suddenly felt himself snap back to normal, and he immediately released his hold, looking around the streets of Diagon Alley as he collected himself. The small wizarding town was busier than Hogsmeade where he was used to from the school trips he had attended.

"Come along, Sirius, we're meeting Charlus and James at the Leaky Cauldron."

Sirius's head snapped up at the mention of seeing his best friend. He watched as the man began to stride purposefully towards the meeting spot, ignoring the wizards and witches ambling along the still holiday decorated street.

Sirius stood for another moment longer before picking up a jog for a few strides and crossing the cobblestone street after his father. He caught the door to the pub just before it fell shut, pulling it open and looking around the surprisingly busy shop.

" _Oi_! Sirius! Over here, mate!"

Sirius turned to see a grinning James through the crowd sitting at the bar, two glasses of butterbeer placed in front of him untouched. "Wotcher, Potter," he drawled as he approached his friend, not able to feel anything but relief at seeing his best friend after what seemed so long. He tugged at his tie, loosening it a little. "Couldn't wait to see me, could you?"

James laughed, kicking the chair beside him back, the feet scraping loudly on the worn hardwood floor. He motioned for Sirius to sit. "No, you caught me, I've been going mad with only Remus and Peter for company. Promise me you won't get suspended again."

Sirius laughed as he took the offered seat, picking up the glass of butterbeer and taking a sip, enjoying the buttery sweet drink. "I've yet to serve it, you bloody whinger, and I can understand Pete, but what's Moony done that's gotten you so worked up?"

James shook his head. "You wouldn't understand."

Sirius looked over, a dark eyebrow raising in askance. "And why not?"

"Because I'm not-" The messy-haired wizard glanced over at his father and Sirius's, who had chosen a table in the far back corner of the pub and were talking quietly. "I'm not shagging him."

Sirius shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "I don't know what that has to do with anything," he paused before adding casually, "and we're not shagging."

"Right. Well, that's _fucking_ news to me," James said somewhat hotly, taking a large swig of his drink. "And what I'm _saying_ is Remus isn't as nice to me as he is to you. And it's been worse lately. I think he's angry with me honestly."

Sirius let out a rough laugh. "You worry too much, Potter."

"He is! And what's with the Potter? Are you upset with me too? You wouldn't answer any of my letters this week."

Sirius dipped his head as he studied the creamy bubbles in his drink. "No, I'm fine. I just didn't feel like answering is all."

"Why not? You answered Remus's almost immediately."

Sirius looked up in surprise at the demanding words, catching the hurt laced in the wizard's tone. James was studying him, a frown alighting his usually grinning face. "What?"

James sighed and scooted closer, shooting the old barmaid who was eyeing them to see if they needed a refill a tense smile and a dismissive wave before whispering, "Just tell me. Is it because of us?"

Sirius blinked. " _Us_?"

James growled. "Yes," he whispered more harshly, "Because of how we... You know... messed around some?"

Sirius let out a barking laugh, his friend actually saying what had happened between them striking him as oddly funny for some reason. James had never spoken before or after about their hook ups. In fact, he usually said less than Sirius even when they were in the act, and Sirius'd had his cock in his mouth for a good portion of it.

" _Well_?"

Sirius didn't respond. Was he upset with James? An echo of the sadness he had felt after each time clenched at his chest. "I don't know Prongs. Are you asking about me or Moony?"

"Both. Either. Just tell me _something_. I'm fucking sick of you two acting all pissy with me but not telling me why."

Sirius looked up to meet hazel eyes. "I can't say for Remus." James nodded quickly, encouraging him to go on with a wave of his hand. Sirius took another drink and then let out a slow breath. "I guess I haven't been all that nice to you lately."

James didn't say anything at first. "Is it because of what we did?"

Sirius made a non-committal head movement that ended up a begrudging nod.

"Because I didn't... return the favor?"

Sirius glanced back over to see his father and James's dad still talking. "I guess that might have helped some."

"I thought about it. I did... I almost did the last time," James said so quietly his friend almost didn't hear him. He looked over at Sirius, who was sitting with a gobsmacked expression plastered on his face. "But. But, I _like birds_ , Sirius," he whispered emphatically, his tone dripping with apology.

Sirius nodded, running a nervous hand up into his hair. "No, I know that. I guess, I just..."

"Did — did you like me?" James asked, his voice sounding torn somewhere between guilty and curious.

Sirius shook his head as he smoothed down his hair. "No. I don't think so. I mean, I would have liked for you to have... You know. But, I didn't want to date you or anything like that."

James let out a sigh like he had been holding his breath.

"Relieved, are you?" Sirius asked with a sardonic smile, wishing it didn't hurt to know his friend was happy he didn't fancy him. Why should he care? It made sense.

"No. _Sirius_ ," James paused as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, meeting his gaze. "Not like that. I just, I didn't want to have hurt you is all. And... if I were even the _least_ bit gay, I would be thrilled if you fancied me."

Sirius fought a wry smile that was trying to push up the corners of his mouth as he looked down into his drink. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

James's hand tightened on his shoulder. "No, it's the truth, I mean, if any other wizard had tried to suck my..." He lifted his eyebrows in insinuation and motioned subtly to his lap. "I would have hexed them into next term."

Sirius nodded, a small smirk finally making itself known. "So you're saying you're a little gay for me, is that it?"

James hesitated. "Maybe under extreme circumstances. Like if there were no witches."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, imagining what Remus's reaction would be to that. "Do me a favor and don't tell Moony that."

"Why would I tell him that?" James shook his head. "He's been so grumpy, over break this last week. He hates me, doesn't he?"

Sirius took a swig of his drink, feeling lighter than he had since school had ended. "It's quite probable," he said with a wide grin.

* * *

"Just let me."

"No."

" _Why not_?" The words were whined.

"Because you're a fucking pervert." Two sets of sniggers followed the statement.

"It's true. I am." Sirius pushed himself up into a sitting position, tossing the pair of enchanted dog ears and matching tail he had been trying to put on James for the past ten minutes without success on to the floor. He looked around the wizard's room, his eyes glassy. "What are we going to do then if you won't pretend to be my dog?"

James shrugged as he took a drink from a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey he had convinced one of the house elves to get them, managing not to spill it on himself despite still lying down. "Nothing. There's nothing to do."

Sirius's gaze landed on his bed across the room, the bed where Remus had been sleeping just the night before. He frowned. He had missed the werewolf by less than a day. "Have you ever been to Remus's house?"

James sniffed as he reached one hand up behind his head. He took another swig before saying lazily, "Yeah, once. Have you?"

Sirius shook his head. "Do you know how to get there?"

The wizard didn't respond right away as he took another drink. "Yeah I do, but he's being a complete asshole to me. Why would I want to go?"

Sirius pushed himself up. "Stop being such a git, it'll be fun." He looked down expectantly at an unmoving and unbelieving James. "Come on, Prongs. It's late and we're drunk. Can you imagine Remus's reaction to us showing up at his parents' house unannounced?" He lifted his eyebrows.

James grinned slowly, a laugh escaping his lips. He pushed himself up. "Yeah, you're right. It'll be bloody hilarious."


	59. Chapter 59

Sirius looked down at his chest to study the plain black t-shirt James had loaned him with a look of complete dissatisfaction. "It needs something, it's too boring."

James laughed from his spot on his bed, still drinking, the wizard wearing a pair of dark, low slung jeans and a grey hooded t-shirt that said 'red heads make me hot.' "How about..." The wizard sucked on his teeth, his eyes squinting for a short moment before a shit-eating grin slowly made itself comfortable on his features. "I like werewolf cock."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter as he lifted his wand to the front of the borrowed shirt. "No, Remus would kill me." He murmured the incantation James had just used under his breath, smiling as the letters began to form. "This is better." He motioned at the newly formed silvery script that looked to be in his own handwriting. "What do you think?"

James's eyes widened as he sat up. He leaned forward and pushed his glasses up on his nose, appearing to re-read the words as if he hadn't seen them right. "Really? Are you sure that's a good idea, mate?"

Sirius glanced down at the shirt, his thoughts becoming less certain. "Yeah... What do you mean? Do you think he'll say no?" he asked, suddenly nervous.

Hazel eyes narrowed slightly as lips pulled to the side, a humming noise coming from James's lips. "Sirius..." The wizard sighed and patted the spot beside him on his bed.

Sirius felt his heart drop into his stomach, and he begrudgingly walked over. "What?" He sat down hesitantly, his posture stiff, James not responding. "Just _fucking_ tell me, James." A hand landed on his shoulder, and he resisted shoving it off when it only made him feel even more unsure.

"Sirius, do you really think that you're ready for that type of _thing_?"

Sirius ran a nervous hand through black locks. "Yeah, of course I am," he said indignantly. James lifted his eyebrows. " _I am_. I mean... I think I am." Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek. He looked down at the shirt again and forced his head in a decidedly up and down fashion. He pushed himself up off the bed and said, "I am. Come on, let's go."

* * *

"Oh cock," James cursed as he struggled to right himself, having almost fallen over as he and Sirius made their way down the gravel driveway. "I've scuffed my new shoes."

Sirius forced a grin, shaking his head as a feeling somewhere between that of apprehension and panic was trying to wrap around his insides and cause all his internal organs to seize up as they approached the beige-colored stone house. It was two stories high, but only as wide as Twelve Grimmauld Place was magicked to appear from the outside to muggle view.

There were wooden shutters framing each of the smallish but immaculately clean windows, the paint a dark blue with indentations where chips had been taken out but carefully painted over. The shrubs framing the house didn't appear to be the flowering sort but the leaves were a soft green with silverish tips and were kept neatly trimmed in a way that looked natural. It suddenly hit him. He was at Remus's house. Where Remus lived. With his parents. And he was a little more than tipsy, and he was wearing—he looked down and the squeezing feeling grew, making it hard to breathe—"James switch me shirts."

"What? _No_ ," James said loudly, his shoulders squaring in a stubborn fashion as he stopped beside Sirius. "I like my shirt, and there's _no bloody way_ I'm wearing that."

Sirius grabbed his friend by the collar. "I said to _fucking_ switch-"

"Hello, who's out there?" A woman's voice suddenly carried over to the two wizards, stopping Sirius's threat before he had even started. Outside lights flipped on, flooding the area around the two boys with a yellowish glow. "Oh, James, is that you?"

Sirius released his friend's shirt, his eyes widening as he took in the sight of the woman at the door. The person who had obviously given life to Remus. She had soft hazel eyes that made Sirius feel like he was staring into Remus's, her skin was untanned but had a familiar olive undertone to it, and she was wearing a reserved but somehow mischievous grin.

"Mrs. Lupin," James greeted cheerfully as he adjusted his messed up hood, shooting Sirius a dark look, before walking up the stairs to greet the woman properly. "Sorry for not owling ahead. I hope it's not too late to visit Remus."

"Not at all, James." The woman stepped further out onto the porch stoop, letting the door close behind her. She shot Sirius a curious look, her hazel eyes settling on his shirt before the smile at her lips seemed to grow. "And who is this young gentleman you have brought with you?"

"Sirius," Sirius spoke up quickly for himself, his eyes a little wider than usual, as his heart danced around nervously in his chest in a mad attempt to find its way into his throat. "Sirius Black, ma'am, I'm one of Remus's dorm mates," he said as he approached the woman. He stopped beside James. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Lupin."

The woman's smile grew, her eyes twinkling, and she let out a soft laugh that made Sirius's head spin in deja vu. "It's so good to finally meet you, Sirius Black. Remus has told me _so_ much about you." Her gaze flitted down. "I like your shirt."

Sirius swallowed hard. He let out a breath of a laugh and looked down at his shoes, wishing he could fix his shirt. Fucking underage wizarding magic laws. "Thank you, Ma'am."

"What about mine? I made it myself," James said with a grin in his voice.

A laugh filled the air again that made Sirius's chest ache for the werewolf. "James Potter, you are absolutely incorrigible. Remus is just around back with his friend, you two can go ahead and surprise him. I think he'll be excited to see you." She smiled again, her gaze landing on Sirius once more.

" _Friend_?" James asked bluntly, Sirius sharing the sentiment but not voicing it.

"Yes... a Miss _Lily Evans_ ," the woman said mostly to James with a knowing smile.

James looked to Sirius, hazel eyes widening as grey ones narrowed. "Okay, I'll switch."

* * *

Sirius smoothed the grey hooded tee over his chest, his hands continuing to work even after the job was done. He eyed the shirt that said 'be my boyfriend' now on his best friend. It was probably for the best. What had he been thinking? He and Remus had only just gotten together. He didn't want to scare him away. "What the hell is Evans doing here?" he muttered as he stood beside James, who was trying desperately and unsuccesfully to make his wild hair even more mussed-looking.

"She's come to see me obviously," the wizard said, wiggling dark eyebrows.

Sirius lifted one in response. "At Remus's."

Jame nodded, undeterred. "She's bloody brilliant at divination." He grinned widely.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Right." He followed the wizard around the small house, the sound of laughter assaulting his ears, and then his gaze landed on a head of sandy blond locks and all irritation began to slip away. The wizard was sitting in the grass beside Lily Evans, the wizard and witch laughing together their backs facing Sirius and James as they approached. They were seated at the edge of a pond, their shoes abandoned under a nearby willow tree, their feet soaking in the water despite it having to be chilled.

Lily let out another laugh, her head tilting back as she lifted a hand, ruffling short blond locks, Remus's chin dipping in response.

Grey eyes darkened. "Oi, Moony!" Sirius shouted, startling the two prefects into turning around.

" _Sirius_? ...James?" Remus pushed himself up, his gaze shifting from one wizard to the other, his eyes narrowing momentarily in what looked confusion before widening in disbelief, and then he began to walk towards them. "What are you two doing here?" he asked, a smile hesitantly pushing at his lips as he neared them.

Sirius grinned and pulled the werewolf into a hug when he reached him. "We missed you, Remus," he murmured as he nuzzled into his warm neck, sighing when he felt arms wrap around him in response. "I missed you."

" _Hello_ Evans."

"Potter." The witch's response was surprisingly playful. "Tell me, did he say yes?"

Sirius grinned wider as he heard James sputtering in response, Remus laughing softly into his neck.

"I'm not— _NO_ —This, this is Sirius's shirt! We just traded is all!"

Sirius clenched his jaw and pulled away to shove James by his side. " _Oi!_ What the hell, Prongs!" he shouted.

James shoved him back. "Oh come off it, Sirius, like he wouldn't have figured it out anyway!"

Sirius shot a nervous glance over to Remus, who was studying his hooded shirt's words, a smile playing at his lips.

Lily's gaze flitted over and landed on Sirius's chest as well. "Oh." Her eyes narrowed. "What _are_ you two doing here anyway?" she asked, sounding more like herself.

Sirius shot James a sly grin, the wizard pulling out two bottles of firewhiskey from his pocket he had shrunk at home for their travel with a timed charm and held them up for the two prefects to see. "We've come to have fun, of course."

* * *

"You're lying," Lily laughed only a half hour later.

"No." James grinned as he sat beside the witch, who was sipping from one of the bottles of firewhiskey, her green eyes trained on the messy-haired wizard with a look of amused skepticism. "It's _true_. She _almost_ slipped me an extra chocolate frog box on the way back for Christmas break. I could tell she wanted to, but there were too many witnesses."

Lily began to laugh again. "You're one delusional wizard, James Potter."

"Can you believe that?"

Sirius looked over to Remus, who was eyeing James and Lily's interaction with a look of utter disbelief. "No, I can't actually." He scooted closer, leaving only a couple inches between them, shooting a wary glance over to the still-lit house.

He wasn't sure if Remus's parents knew, or if they'd approve of him and Remus - and judging by the werewolf's constant furtive glances over, either they did and didn't, or he was having similar doubts. He chewed on the inside of his lip as he watched Remus take a small sip from the bottle they were sharing. "Remus, about the shirt-"

Remus nodded. "I understand. You don't have to explain yourself."

Sirius blinked. "You-you _do_?"

Remus nodded again. "Yeah, you've decided you like red-heads. I'm sorry though, I'm not willing to make the change. I'd look awful as a ginger."

Sirius let out a laugh and scooted closer. He slid his hand over and under Remus's, slipping his fingers between his. He studied their hands together, the contrast seeming oddly fitting. "Yeah, it wouldn't go with your skin tone at all."

"No?" Remus grinned at him softly, the expression making Sirius feel like his insides were melting.

"No." He shook his head ever so slightly; his hand reached up, and he began to trace along the werewolf's jaw gently with the pad of his thumb as he studied soft lips that begged to be kissed. He took in a small breath. _Do it. Just bloody do it_. He blurted: "I like you Remus." He received no response. Grey eyes flicked up to meet hazel eyes. "A lot. And I want-" He licked his lips nervously. "What I'm trying to say is..."

"We're going swimming."

Sirius's gaze jerked up to find James and Lily standing, looking down at them as they giggled together in what could only be described a conspiratorial fashion. He scowled. " _Swimming_?"

"Yeah, Lily says she will if I can manage to spell the pond warm," James said with a huge grin, clearly pleased with himself.

"What about the underage rule?"

James waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "My parents won't care. Now, strip down to those lacy knickers we all know you're wearing, Sirius."


	60. Chapter 60

"What the fuck was that?" Sirius asked as he pulled off his hooded shirt, dropping it on the ground before he began to fiddle with the buttons of his slacks. Remus and Lily had already gotten into the water, which James had easily heated with a charm his mother had taught him for boiling water, the wizard having weakened it considerably. "I was about to ask Remus to go steady."

"I was saving you," James said quietly and in a way that made it sound like the explanation was wholly unnecessary as he fought with his own jeans that were much less complicated. "Shit, can you believe Evans is in there right now in just her bra and... _Shit_. Fuck fuck fuck." He stopped and paused in messing with his zipper, screwing his eyes shut in concentration and leaning over, resting his hands on his thighs, as he let out a slow breath through pursed lips.

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Got a problem there, Prongs?" he asked knowingly, sliding his own slacks down as he continued to picture a scantily clad Professor McGonagall and stepping out of them.

"Nice pants, Black!"

Sirius grinned as he stood in only a pair of red silk boxers, Remus and Lily whistling from the opposite side of the pond. Maybe he hadn't given Evans enough credit; she was a cheeky witch. He shot the red-head a wider grin. "Looks like we match," he said, lifting his chin in an approving manner as he eyed the nicely fitted red bra the witch was wearing. "You don't look so bad yourse—Ah-h!" Sirius fell sideways, arms flailing and ear first into the water, choking when he tried to breathe underwater in his confusion. He pushed off the floor of the pond and shot back up, choking when he resurfaced and glaring darkly at his best friend. "You fucking bastard!"

"You okay there, Padfoot?" James asked, wide-eyed, in a solicitous tone, standing by the water's edge still clad in his jeans. "You should be more careful there, mate."

Sirius grinned, his eyes narrowing as he moved slowly towards the wizard, steam rising around him from the water's surface. His voice dropped as he responded, "You better watch yourself, Jamie, or I might just tell Evans who your first kiss and blow job were from. What do you think Miss Perfect Prefect would say to that?" He watched in satisfaction as James's eyes slowly widened in a mixture of horror and fury, their focus decreasing, and he grabbed the distracted wizard by the ankles, pulling him in with a loud yelp.

"Holy fuck, Sirius!" James shouted, jumping at the wizard as soon as he had broken the surface, Sirius laughing boisterously as he tried to get him in a headlock. "I'm going to _kill_ you!"

"Do they always cuddle so much?" Lily's voice rang amused and closer than Sirius had expected, James's attack stopping abruptly.

"More than you'd think," Remus replied dryly.

"Cuddle? _No_. I'm not into blokes," James said quickly, shoving Sirius away and then running a hand up to settle in his soaked hair. He pulled at a fistful of the raven locks as he grinned down at the approaching red-headed witch, the expression turning impish before he added, "Unless you like that sort of thing, _Lily_."

"Unsurprisingly, I'm already regretting letting you call me that." The witch shot him an arched look, her arms crossed over her chest and only drawing more attention to it from the two black-haired wizards.

"Would you prefer something else? How about Red?" James grinned when Lily's expression darkened. "It is natural, right?" he asked in a huskier voice, biting his lip as his gaze dipped.

"You'll never find out," she retorted, taking a step closer and shooting the wizard a challenging look.

Sirius blinked, suddenly catching himself, and looked away from the witch's cleavage. What was he doing? He turned to find Remus still at the opposite end of the pond and began to move towards him and away from a flirting James and Lily. He laughed to himself. He didn't know what he would do if James ever actually convinced her to date him. It was just weird.

"What are you doing still over here?" Sirius asked as he stopped in front of the wizard.

Remus looked up at him, his expression wry. "I was giving you a chance to ogle Lily."

Sirius gaped. "What? No. I. Remus, I wouldn't." He shook his head forcefully.

Remus laughed. "I don't know if I should take it as an insult or a compliment that you lie so poorly to me."

Sirius started to deny he was lying but stopped when the werewolf's smile grew as if he knew what he was planning. "A compliment," he said softly, taking a step closer and finding the werewolf's bare stomach, his fingers wrapping gently around his sides and tugging him closer. "Definitely a compliment." He bit down on his lip as the werewolf's smile softened, the sides lowering a little. "I'm sorry, Remus." He leaned down and placed a kiss on his cheek before murmuring, "I think you're _much_ sexier than Evans."

Remus breathed a laugh in Sirius's ear. "Do you really?"

Sirius's eyes fell almost shut as he placed another kiss at the corner of slightly upturned lips. He nodded. "I do," he whispered and then his fingers slid slightly lower, the tips of them dipping just under elastic material and onto skin that felt decidedly much warmer than the area just above it. "Remus, I've never met anyone who can get me as hard as you do."

Remus moved closer and then their lower bodies were flush against each other as his hand slid up Sirius's chest and settled on the back of his neck. He looked up at him with a glint in his eyes that made Sirius's breathing stutter. "Do you want to stay tonight?"

Sirius licked his lips, not sure what to say. It was a simple question. He and Remus slept in the same room all the time. They were dorm mates and had been for five years. They had shared beds, even a pillow on several occasions. But the question had seemed like it meant more. Something—"Yes. Yes I do," Sirius said with an urgent nod, and he leaned down and captured lips that melded to his perfectly, a rushing in his chest urging his fingers to tighten on his left hand and then his right one slid around the front and slowly dipped down to even more exciting territory. He ran the back of his fingers teasingly along the werewolf.

"F-fuck." Remus groaned softly, his hand sliding around Sirius's neck and his arm draping around him in a hug of sorts. "Sirius," he said, its sound low and desperate.

Sirius pulled back slightly to look down at the werewolf as he slowly wrapped his fingers around him, watching eyelids droop and lips fall apart with a moan that shot a thrill of excitement down his spine. "S'that feel good, Moony?" he asked, his voice rough, as he began to slide his hand up and down, nipping at the werewolf's lower lip as he nodded his assent, and his grip tightened. "I've missed you so much," he said again, softly, insistently.

"Shit..." Remus pushed up into his hand and gasped when Sirius began to speed up. "I've-I've missed you too."

Sirius smiled softly and glanced over at James and Lily, pleased when he found that they were turned away and surveying the night sky. He pressed his lips against Remus's in a chaste kiss as he doubled his efforts below the water's surface. "I want to make you come right here," he whispered, a groan escaping his own lips when he felt the werewolf jump in his hand at the words. Remus attacked his mouth, Sirius tilting his head and parting his lips to allow his tongue in as he continued to work his hand over him, his own pants growing impossibly tight.

"I want you, Sirius. _Tonight_ ," the werewolf whispered when they parted to breathe, their breaths jagged as the space between them filled with bursts of white air, Sirius's growing choppier at the admission, and then he added quietly, "Do you want me?"

Sirius groaned and leaned his head into the werewolf's neck, his excitement growing unbearable. Remus wanted him. "Yes, I want you _so much_ , Remus, so fucking much, I've never wanted anything more than I want you," he whispered back fervently and then a soft moan caressed his ear that made his heart flip inside his chest as Remus's hips pushed forward, his arms tightening around him, hugging him, making him feel safe and wanted and needed and so overwhelmed with emotion he might burst. _I love you._ Grey eyes popped open in alarm.

* * *

 

"You and Remus have fun?"

Sirius grinned tightly as James walked over to him with a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey. "Thanks for distracting Evans," he said, taking the bottle when James offered it to him. He looked over to see Lily and Remus whispering to each other, Remus not looking pleased by whatever she was saying. He took a sip, trying not to freak out over the thought he'd had earlier. "What's gotten her knickers in such a bunch?" he asked offhandedly, lifting the bottle to his lips.

James smacked him on the back of the head lazily. "I think Remus just told her we were staying. If I had to guess, she's probably worried about Remus's virtue."

Sirius choked on his drink. "Wh-what?"

James laughed. "Don't tell me you're not planning on it." He took a large drink and then shot him a knowing look that made Sirius feel somewhat disgusted with himself for some reason.

"What does that mean?"

"Don't play thick," James scoffed. He wrapped an arm around Sirius's shoulders. "Listen, I'm not going to try to protect Remus, he doesn't need someone else to decide what he should or shouldn't do. He's a smart bloke. But Sirius," he paused, looking as if he wasn't sure about what he wanted to say.

Sirius slowly lowered the bottle from his lips. "What?"

James let out a heavy breath. "Just... Just don't fuck this up, okay? Remus is one of our best friends, and I don't want to have to choose between you two if things go bad... because it'll be you, and I'll fucking hate you for it."

Sirius swallowed hard. He nodded. Don't fuck it up. He wanted to laugh. That's all he ever did. How was he supposed to manage that when he couldn't even figure out how he had cocked up the countless other times? Maybe taking Remus's virginity wasn't the best idea at the moment.

Although, he really wanted it.

And he _had_ offered it to him, and he didn't want anyone else to get to it first. His hand tightened around the bottle's neck at the thought, his gaze darkening. That wasn't going to happen. He thought of the werewolf under him gasping as he moved over him. It would be unbelievable, he just knew it. And he could just imagine pressing him up against the wall, his parents room on the other side as he pushed—Fuck. What was wrong with him? He needed help, he needed to leave, he needed to break things off before Remus ended up hating him, or worse, falling for him like he had—

"Sirius calm down." James's hand smacked him not so lightly on the face, pulling him from his panicked train of thought. Hazel eyes bored levelly into grey ones. "If you freak out, you'll just cock it up even more."

Sirius nodded woodenly, his breaths a little too shallow, feeling like he was swimming inside his own head. "Right. Don't fuck it up," he parroted the words, holding back the desperate laugh quivering inside his chest and making him feel a little mad.

James nodded and moved to his side, taking the bottle from his hand as Lily and Remus approached them. "Oi, Lily, you can bunk with me tonight," he called out with a grin.

The red-head rolled her eyes. "In your dreams, Potter," she replied glibly.

James let loose a gamely laugh as Sirius stood by his side quietly, the wizard watching Remus as he approached, the werewolf shooting him a small grin. He returned it, feeling his chest constrict.


	61. Chapter 61

"Shhhh."

Sirius trailed behind Remus and in front of Lily, James behind her, as the four teenagers tip-toed through the Lupin household's pitch-dark kitchen well after midnight.

" _Ow_!"

Hushed giggles erupted, a loud anonymous snort causing the laughter to intensify.

There was a thump followed by a scraping noise. " _Fuck_!"

"You guys, _shut up_!" Remus hissed over his shoulder, "You're going to wake my parents!"

"What's this? It smells _really_ good."

"Potter, don't eat that, it's a candle."

"But it smells like a sugar cookie."

"It's not, trust me. Stop that, put it down."

" _You guys_!"

Sirius reached out and pulled an exasperated Remus back and against his front, burrowing his nose in the crook of his friend's warm neck and breathing in deeply. "Mmm. You smell good enough to eat too, Moony," he whispered teasingly and then the lights turned on.

A round of groans filled the room as four sets of eyes struggled to accommodate for the sudden light attacking them as it flooded the small kitchen.

"Remus, were you just going to sneak your friend in without introducing him?" A tall blond man stood at the entryway, his gaze landing on Sirius's hands that were wrapped around Remus, the werewolf quickly pulling away.

"Dad. I, I thought you were asleep."

The older wizard shook his head slowly. "No, I waited up." His gaze flicked over to James, who saluted his hello. "Hello James." And then blue eyes flicked back to land on Sirius. They narrowed. "You must be Sirius Black."

Sirius took a step forward. "Yes, it's - it's good to meet you, Mr. Lupin," he said as cordially as he could, feeling like the room was rocking a bit now that he could make it out, or maybe that was him. He shook his head and cleared his throat, holding out his hand in offering as he blinked a few times to try to clear his still-adjusting vision.

The man didn't say anything for a long moment as he studied Sirius. He reached out, his grip firm as he shook his hand briefly before shifting his gaze back to an oddly-fidgeting Remus. "Remus, your dorm mates can sleep in the guest room."

Remus spoke up quickly. "But dad there's enough room in my be-"

"The guest room, Remus," he said sternly, cutting him off sharply. The three visiting wizards stood quietly as Remus appeared to struggle with his father's instructions. "If that's going to be a problem, they can go home."

The werewolf shook his head slowly. "No, no that's fine. I'll set it up for them."

* * *

Sirius lay on the pull-out couch in the guest room located off the Lupin's family room that consisted of the piece of furniture he was currently occupying, a single chair, and a tall but narrow wardrobe. He studied the plain white ceiling not too far above him, completely sober thanks to the potion Remus's father had given to the four underage wizards. "This blows."

James hummed his assent as he lay beside Sirius, blankets kicked off him as he shifted every few seconds in agitation, shaking the mattress under his unmoving friend. "This is all your fault, you know that, right? I was allowed to sleep in Remus's room last time I stayed. If you hadn't been molesting him in the kitchen, we could _both_ be upstairs right now."

Sirius scoffed. "I wasn't molesting him. I was just... touching him. His father just doesn't like me for some reason." He looked over to James, who didn't seem overly convinced. "And who says we can't still go up?"

James stared at him for a long moment. "Remus's dad," he said dryly.

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head as a grin impishly made itself known. "He only said that we can't _sleep_ up there."

James smiled slowly. "You're right. That _is_ what he said, isn't it?"

"Yeah, so we just won't go to sleep," Sirius finished happily, James laughing in response as the two wizards pushed themselves up.

Sirius pulled on the black shirt he had originally planned on wearing as he stood in a pair of low slung, charcoal-colored sweatpants Remus had loaned him. He glanced over at James as he smoothed his hair to see him fixing the hood on his own top. "So, how should we do this? Stairs or do you think we should use the window instead?"

James nodded as he stepped into his shoes. "Window for sure, Lyall is one scary wizard."

"Yeah, all right." Sirius shrugged as he walked over to the window in the guest room. He pushed it up, careful to not make any noise, and then leaned out and looked up to find four windows above them, only one with a soft light coming from it. "I think I know which one it is." He pushed himself out further and dropped down into the grass and began to make his way over to the window he assumed belonged to Remus. He looked up. "How the hell are we going to get up there?" he whispered, James stopping by his side and craning his neck in a similar fashion.

"Levitating charm? We could do each other."

Sirius shook his head. "No, I really don't want to get in any more trouble with my parents," he said and then looked around the space, his gaze landing on a nearby tree. "Why don't you levitate me and then you can climb that tree, and I'll just pull you the rest of the way up?"

James pulled out his wand. "All right, but you better not drop me."

* * *

" _Sirius_?" Remus whispered as he pulled open his window to let the floating dark-haired wizard climb in. "What are you doing?"

"I've come to see you." Sirius grinned widely. "Oh, forgot about James," he said, turning back around to help the cursing wizard. He held back a loud groan as he pulled his friend through the window with no small amount of effort. "You're getting fucking fat, Prongs."

"No, I'm not! It's just _muscle_ ," James replied hotly, righting himself, before his mouth snapped shut and eyes widened. He blinked a few times. "Hello there Lily."

The witch stood by her bed in a frilled white night shirt that hit mid-thigh and didn't look to be wearing shorts, her arms crossed tightly and expression more severe without the firewhiskey in her system. "What are you two doing up here, Remus's dad said you weren't allowed, _remember_?"

James shot her a salacious grin. "Is that your way of saying you're happy to see me?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Really, I haven't the faintest how you manage such high marks, Potter, if that's what you gathered from that."

Sirius noticed Remus eyeing the door to his bedroom with a look of concern etching his features. "Do you want us to leave?" he asked quietly, hoping the werewolf would say no.

Remus didn't reply right away. "Yeah, you probably should," he said, matching his tone, and then added before Sirius's expresion could drop, "I'll go with you though." The wizard turned back to the window he and James had just crawled through. "Hey guys, Sirius and I are going to go out for a bit, we'll be back."

Sirius looked over to James, who was smiling like an idiot, and then to Lily, the witch's expression oddly neutral, her gaze trained on Remus's back.

"Come on, Padfoot."

Sirius turned back to Remus. "Yeah, okay."

* * *

"Where are we going?" Sirius asked as he walked beside Remus up a hill, finally breaking the odd silence that had fallen over them upon leaving the sandy blond's house.

Remus stopped at the hill's crest and sat down in the grass. "Just here, thought it'd be nice to be alone with you," he said quietly.

Sirius settled down beside Remus, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees as he looked out at the star lit surroundings, his friend's house more than a few minutes walk behind them. The hill they were sitting on was the highest land as far as he could make out in the dark. He cocked his head to the side and studied the quiet werewolf. He was sitting in a pair of navy flannel pajama pants and a charcoal colored hoodie, his short sandy locks hanging softly around his face as the wind ruffled it every so often, hazel eyes focused intently on something in the distance. He nudged Remus's leg with his knee. "Something on your mind?"

Remus looked over to him and smiled softly. "Yeah, I was just thinking about the first time you guys joined me for a full."

Sirius nodded slightly, some feeling tightening his chest. "Yeah, I remember that."

Remus's smile stayed as he shifted his gaze down. "Sirius, you've done a lot for me, you've been a really good friend. You and James and Peter. I couldn't have imagined ending up with such good friends. And you especially have been there for me through some really rough times."

Sirius swallowed, feeling the emotion in his chest grow, and he recognized it for what it was - anxiety. He cleared his throat and scooted closer. "Is something wrong, Remus?"

Remus breathed out slowly, still not looking up. "Sirius, how many people have you messed around with?"

Sirius blinked. "What?"

Remus looked up but didn't meet his gaze. "Did you like _any_ of them?" he asked, not seeming to care he hadn't even answered the first question yet.

Sirius didn't respond. This was bad.

Remus continued, "Did you _think_ you liked any of them? You know... beforehand?"

Sirius reached out, resting his hand on top of Remus's. "Remus, I like you. I do."

Remus's gaze flicked back down, and he shook his head, the movement so subtle Sirius wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. "What if you just think you do, because..." He trailed off, not finishing.

Pitch-dark brows furrowed. "Because what?"

"Because... because I've turned you down before?" Remus met his gaze, hazel eyes unsure. "What if you don't like me anymore after we have sex, Sirius?"

Sex. Sirius licked his lips, feeling his body respond to the perceived promise. Remus was going to let him. He'd said it. He'd alluded before. But this. This was _concrete_. He let out a slow breath when the air in his lungs tried to force itself out too quickly, trying to calm himself, and then he responded, "That won't happen. Trust me."

"How do you know that though?" Remus asked, his words a little sharper than expected. He pulled away from him his touch. "I really care about you Sirius, and I wasn't really thinking clearly earlier, I don't want to lose you because of this.

"It scares me."

Sirius lifted his hand, taking the werewolf's chin and turning it gently so he was looking at him again, meeting his gaze and holding it. "Remus, that _won't_ happen," he said slowly - and then he said something he really didn't want to. "Listen... we - we can wait."

Hazel eyes widened. "Wh-"

"I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with. We'll wait."

Remus's expression softened. "You'd be willing to do that?"

Sirius nodded slowly. "I'll wait as long as you need me to, Remus."

Remus's smile returned a little at that, and he leaned in towards him, his lips brushing his lightly. "Thank you, Sirius. That means a lot."

Sirius's eyes fell shut as their lips met again in another soft passing touch. "Anything for you, Remus." Lips pressed against his, staying longer than before, and his hand slipped up to brush the werewolf's cheek gently. "Anything you want," he murmured, and then their lips met again, his mouth parting to kiss Remus's upper lip. "Anything you need," he whispered and then laced his fingers into soft sandy locks, holding him close to nip at his lower lip. "I just want to be with you - be my boyfriend, Remus Lupin." He felt lips pull back, and he kissed teeth as the werewolf smiled.

"Are you sure you can handle that?"

Sirius nodded as he scooted closer, continuing to kiss him. "I'm sure."

"That means you can't kiss or snog anyone else," the sandy-blond persisted, the grin in his voice growing. He met Sirius's lips, kissing him back.

"No one. No one else. Only you. I _promise_." Sirius began to pepper kisses along his jaw until he reached his ear. "Is that a yes?"

Remus laughed softly and nodded.

Sirius grinned as he nuzzled against the werewolf's cheek. "Yes?"

Remus laughed again. "Yes. Yes, I'll be your boyfriend, Sirius Black."

Sirius felt a heat flood his chest, warming him from the inside out. " _Brilliant_."

He met the wizard's lips, mouths parting and tongues meeting, his thoughts a gentle lull as they kissed under the stars.


	62. Chapter 62

"Well, look at that." Sirius grinned beside Remus, the two wizards looking down at a sleeping James and Lily. The witch and wizard were lying on their backs on the full-sized bed, toe to head, sharing the witch's blanket, a magazine of Witch Weekly lying on the floor beside them with James's glasses set on top.

"It's absurd," Remus whispered back before glancing over at his own bed. He hesitated only for a second before adding, "You can stay with me tonight if you want."

"What about your father?" Sirius asked, shifting his body towards the inviting bed on the opposite wall.

Remus slipped his hand into Sirius's and began to pull him towards the bed, a small smile quirking as he whisper spoke, "I'll set my alarm and you and James can sneak out before breakfast. He'll never know."

Sirius felt an answering expression push up at the corners of his mouth, and he let the wizard pull him down onto the bed and on top of him before lips leaned up, capturing his in a heated kiss.

Sirius responded, his hand running up the werewolf's arm, to rest on his neck. He felt hands slide down over his shirt and then grab onto his pants—"Wait," he said, leaning back to grab the werewolf's hands when he gave the sweatpants a sharp downward tug.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked breathily, frowning as Sirius pulled the waist back up over his hips.

"I thought you wanted to wait," he said, hating himself immediately.

Remus nodded. "I do, but there are other things we can do," he said, "and they require you less clothed." And then he tugged them down in one pull when Sirius's hands fell away.

"Like what?" Sirius asked, tugging his shirt off over his head in compliance and kicking off the pants when they got stuck around his ankles, pulling curtains shut at the same time. Before he could do the same for Remus, the wizard pushed him down onto his back. He watched the sandy-blond pull off his own shirt, his gaze running greedily along lean muscles crisscrossed with scars. " _Fuck_."

He sat up, wrapping an arm around the tone wizard and pulling him closer as he began to kiss his chest. "You're so gorgeous, Moony," he whispered and then flicked out his tongue and ran it along a new scar that ran parallel to his collarbone, a gasp falling from lips and into his ears, making it hard to think any further past his body's movements and the feel of Remus's skin touching his. "So fucking hot," he groaned, finding another to trace as Remus shifted around.

"No, no you're the gorgeous one, Sirius, you're so beautiful," Remus murmured, "I just want to keep you. Can I?" And then Sirius felt Remus's hand wrap around both of them, bringing them together. "Can I keep you, Sirius?"

" _F-fuck_." His hips bucked up when Remus's hand began to slide over them at the same time, and he nodded adamantly as his blood sang and his heart danced a special beat just for the werewolf. "Yes. Yes, you can have me, Remus. I'm all yours." He groaned, leaning forward and meeting his lips, kissing him, swallowing Remus's noises of pleasure as his hands ran greedily over heated skin.

"Is this okay?" Remus whispered against Sirius's lips.

Sirius nodded as his hands trailed down the werewolf's backside. "So good," he said, his voice husky and then grasped hold of him and pulled him even closer so they were almost chest to chest, his hips undulating into the movement as he slid one hand even further down.

Remus let out a startled noise.

"Shh," Sirius whispered, meeting his lips in a reassuring kiss as he began to trace Remus's entrance. "It's okay," he said as he continued to trail along the sensitive skin, not able to hold back a smile as he realized something that made him very happy.

"I've never. I mean, no one's ever. I just..." Remus trailed off uncomfortably, confirming Sirius's suspicions. He increased the pressure slightly, still circling and watched Remus's head fall back and his hand slow around them. "Sirius," he gasped out.

"I don't have to," he said quietly even as he watched Remus's hips jerk with each circle. "I can just do this, nothing more." He leaned forward and slowly licked up the front of the werewolf's arched neck, stopping to whisper against his chin, "Or I could use my tongue."

Remus's hips jerked again. "Wh-what?" He tried to continue moving his hand but was failing mostly.

Sirius grinned. "My tongue. I could lick it for you."

Remus shuddered at the words, his eyes falling shut. "You'd-you'd want to do that?"

Sirius laughed softly, his free hand reaching between them and moving Remus's hand over them, needing the friction. "I'd love to do that, I bet you'd like it too. A _lot_ ," he said, his voice growing more rough. He brought his lips to his ear and trailed up the shell. "I bet you'd moan my name while I was doing it," he husked and then without warning he felt a telling tightening down low, and he groaned Remus's nickname softly, trying not to incite the werewolf's climax just yet but not able to hold back as he finished, Remus following behind him despite his best efforts.

He leaned his forehead against Remus's, his expression sheepish. "Sorry, got a little too excited."

Remus laughed softly. "Yeah, me too." He paused before saying, "Did you really mean that - what you said?"

Sirius breathed a laugh and pecked his lips. "Yeah, does that bother you?"

Remus didn't respond right away but then his head slowly started to move in a decidedly horizontal fashion. "No. No, not all."

Sirius's grin grew, and he fell back, pulling the werewolf with him, their bodies hot and sticky but he just grinned as they lay together on the bed. "You're a kinky wizard, Remus Lupin," he teased.

Remus laughed softly. "Maybe. You seem to have that effect on me." A barking laugh filled the space.

* * *

"Morning Remus, you're—Oh!"

"Mum!"

Sirius's eyes popped open as Remus disentangled from him in a rush and stood up. He pushed himself up onto his elbows to see Hope Lupin standing at the door with a set of bathroom towels in her hands, watching Remus as he scrambled for more clothes than just the bed wrinkled pajama pants he was wearing. It would seem Remus's insistence that they redress before falling asleep had been a good one.

"You're up early," the sandy-blond said conversationally - with only the slightest bit of accusation in his voice - speaking through the material of his hoodie as he struggled to pull it over his head in his hurry.

Sirius forced a smile when the woman's gaze turned to him. "Morning, Mrs Lupin." His shirt hit him in the face.

"Remus, I came to tell you that your father has made you all pancakes." She turned back to Remus and said in a regretful sounding tone, "He's just gone to wake up James and Sirius."

Remus's eyes grew, and Sirius grabbed the shirt from his lap and rushed to put it on.

"They're not down there Hope, is-" Remus's father stopped abruptly when he entered his son's room. His expression shooting straight to Sirius and locking on him.

Sirius's smile grew more tenuous. "Morning, Mr Lupin," he said, standing up and moving off of the wizard's son's bed. He took a step away.

James groaned from the bed he was sharing, the wizard hugging a still-sleeping Lily's feet and attracting the attention of both Remus's parents. "Quiet Padfoot, I'm trying to sleep."  __

* * *

"You slept in my son's bed."

Sirius nodded at the not quite question, barely keeping himself from fidgeting under the steely blue gaze. "Yes, sir." He resisted looking around the wizard's small office. It looked nothing like his own father's. The smallish room was filled with pictures of the Lupin family, some moving others not, files, shelves with books that Sirius couldn't bother to check the topic on and nothing foreboding of the sort, other than the man sitting in the chair opposite him. But he couldn't help but feel unnerved by it still. His last visit in an office had gone very badly. He swallowed, his throat tightening. _Stop that_ , he hissed mentally.

"My wife has insisted I not upset you," the man said in a voice that led Sirius to think he wasn't planning on actually taking her advice. James was currently talking to her, he wished not for the first time he had gotten Remus's mom instead. "However, I would like to know what your intentions are towards Remus."

Sirius blinked. "My intentions?"

The man crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair. "Yes. Remus told us last summer that he is... inclined to like wizards."

Sirius's eyebrows raised. " _Inclined_?"

The man shot him a look that almost qualified as a scowl. "And you seem to be rather interested in them as well."

Sirius ran a hand up into his hair, not sure how to respond. "I do like blokes," he hedged as he smoothed down some unruly locks.

"And Remus?"

An internal and unsure humming filled Sirius's thoughts. "Yeah I like him, we've been best mates since first year."

The wizard scoffed. "I'm not playing games here. Did you and my son do more than sleep last night?"

Sirius wished at the moment he could just get up and leave. He didn't know what Remus would want him to say. Actually, no, he was pretty sure he wouldn't want him to admit to getting off together in his bed. "Perhaps your son would be a better person to ask that."

The blond wizard shook his head almost imperceptibly. "No, I don't believe he would, because I want to know _your thoughts_ right now. I already know Remus's. He's talked about you all every year during summer and winter break. And you, Mr Black, _you_ always seem to come up the most. _By far._ " He seemed displeased by that.

Sirius tried to ignore his own responding surge of excitement; it really wasn't the time. He met the wizard's accusing gaze, steeling himself. "I care about Remus a lot, sir. I want to be with him... and he wants to be with me." He sat more upright, looking away from the wizard's increasingly unhappy expression. "And I hope that won't be a problem be-"

"Stop." The wizard stood up, Sirius glancing up to see what he was doing. "You're telling me you plan to pursue an actual _relationship_ with him?"

Sirius frowned slightly. "Yes."

"I was under the impression that you are betrothed... to a witch."

"Yes.. But, it's not official yet and-" He stopped. Shit.

"Haven't got an answer for that, do you?" The wizard sat back down slowly, sighing as he rubbed at his forehead, looking as if he were suffering from a headache. "Listen Sirius, I'm not good at tiptoeing around a subject, so I'm just going to be upfront with you."

He waited for Sirius to nod reluctantly.

"I don't want you to date Remus. I know you two are very close and have been for quite a while now, but I also know about your family," he said, shooting Sirius a look that made him feel guilty just for the association. "I worked in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures for a long time until Remus's _incident_ , and I know what they've done to others with his condition and what they would do to _him_ if they got the chance. It's just not safe, not to even mention your betrothal, Remus deserves a better life than that." The man shot him a level look, Sirius meeting his gaze.

"If you really care about him, you'll end this - and soon."

* * *

"It's so pretty today," Lily said as she and the three young wizards walked out into the backyard at Remus's.

"Not as pretty as you, Lily," James said, by her side.

The witch laughed and swatted lazily at him, James leaning in so she could make contact with his cheek and grinning as if she had just caressed it as opposed to smacking him.

"James is actually making some progress, I'm impressed."

Sirius nodded. "He informed me I could be best man this morning after his shower," he said somewhat quietly, studying the ground, as he walked beside Remus behind a still flirting Lily and James.

"Feeling okay?"

Sirius rubbed at the back of his head. "Yeah, just a bit tired," he lied, avoiding eye contact.

"Did my father threaten you?" Remus asked with a slightly joking tone.

Sirius shook his head. "No, he was fine."

" _James Potter_!" The scream was followed by a barking laugh as James ran past them, Lily chasing after him.

"Did he kiss her?" Sirius asked, still looking down.

"Yeah. I think she let him too for a split-second," Remus laughed, his words tense. "Sirius, are you sure you're okay? If you're worried about last night-" Sirius looked up questioningly at the pause, Remus stopped and took in a deep breath before continuing, "I know us dating... it's a rather big commitment for you, huge really, and if you've changed your mind I-"

" _No_. No, I haven't, I promise." Sirius cut him off, pulling the sandy-blond close, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply as he hugged him. He couldn't break things off. He couldn't. Sirius shook his head jerkily, his thoughts growing darker as he remembered the older wizard's words. He would never hurt Remus, and he would die before he let his family hurt him. He would kill them all if he had to, every last one. He shook his head again, trying desperately to push down the volatile thoughts and surge of fury that had accompanied the thought. "I want this, Remus, I do. Come back to James's with us," he whispered in his ear. He needed to get him away from his father before he talked him into leaving him instead.

Remus's arms loosened around him, Sirius's tightening in response. "I can't, Lily's visiting another day."

"Bring her. The Potters won't care." He dipped his head, resting in the crook of Remus's neck to hide his expression, he didn't want him to see the desperation he was trying so hard to keep out of his voice. "Please."

"I can't, I wish I could. I'm sorry."


	63. Chapter 63

"Dispose of it," Sirius said dismissively to a crouching Kreacher, before turning to walk out of his office, leaving the cooling body on the floor to the ever present house elf. Disgusting filth. Who was that wizard to question _him_? He was the leader of the Black family, he demanded respect, and if it was not given, he would take it.

"There you are, Sirius."

The wizard's cool grey eyes flicked up to meet the hopeful blue gaze of his wife, a small dark-haired toddler in her arms. "What is it, Evie? I'm in a hurry, I have a business trip."

Evie Black nodded, her expression dropping in a familiar fashion as she held the small boy more tightly. Small grey eyes peeking up at Sirius timidly. "I know, I just thought you might want to say goodbye to Phineas before you left."

Sirius blinked. "Why do you carry him around? I've told you to let the house elves take care of him."

The little boy hugged his mother tighter. "I can't do that Sirius, he misses me, and if you'd just spend a little more time with him, I know-"

"I don't have time for this," Sirius said, brushing past them without a second glance. "I'll be back in a few days. Don't go in my office while I'm gone."

Sirius moved over the body below him, flexed muscles and scars making his mind a jumbled mess as his body felt alive for the first time in weeks. "Remus," he whispered as he jerked his hips forward and up, making the werewolf moan under him and heating his already sweaty body to the core. "Remus, I've missed you, I love you so much." He leaned down to pepper gentle kisses on his shoulder and the back of his neck.

"I love you too, Sirius," the man gasped and then his body began to shift and morph, and suddenly Sirius was looking down to meet unwanted laughing grey eyes and long, thick black curly hair. Sharp laughter filled the air.

"Yes, yes fuck me harder, Sirius," Bellatrix cooed.

Sirius forced his eyes closed and his movements grew more rough as the witch tightened around him, fingernails scraping his chest and undoubtedly drawing blood. "Fuck," he groaned, the feeling making him feel free somehow. "I hate you so much. _All of you_ ," he whispered, and the witch bit down on his neck, and he gasped, pushing deep inside her as he finished.

He rolled over and lay on the bed, feeling spent. "Where's Remus?"

His cousin laughed. "He's dead, stop asking that, it's pathetic."

Grey eyes popped open. "What?" He sat up. "But that-that can't be, I just saw him..."

"Sirius, your father killed him years ago, remember?" the witch said, chastising him like he were an infant. "If you're still that into werewolves, I could find you another one, you know. Is Evie really that bad in bed?" She cackled.

Sirius pushed himself off his cousin's bed and stumbled for his clothes strewn across the room, grabbing blindly as his mind swam. He needed to get out. He needed to be sick. He needed-"I need to find him, to help him."

A red curse hit him squarely, and he fell to the ground. He began to scream, his body convulsing as his father's words boomed inside his head, making it feel like it might split open.

"I told you to be more discreet, Sirius. But you weren't. In love with a werewolf? You might as well have asked me to kill him, you know what we do to his kind. You should have ended things before they got that far. You should have listened."

" _No_!" Sirius felt his body crumple in; Remus was dead. Pain coursed through his body, the emotional much worse than the physical. It couldn't be true. It was a lie. Just a threat. There was no way.

"Please! Don't do it! It's not true!" The lie cut him deeply, making it feel like his chest had been sliced open.

* * *

" _Ahhh_!" Sirius jerked, trying to push away the strong hands holding him. Holding him down. "No! NO! Don't _touch me_!"

"Sirius! Sirius, it's just me! Calm down!"

Sirius felt something touch his face, and he jerked away from it violently. "It's not true, It's not, I swear! Please don't do it!"

"What's he talking about?"

"I don't know." Hands continued to hold Sirius as he struggled. "He has nightmares sometimes."

"I'm going to go get a vial of calming draught, I'll be right back."

A door opened, and Sirius felt something touch his burning forehead again ever so lightly. He turned his face away sharply and whimpered. "Please, please don't do it," he said more weakly, his body slowly giving up as his mind struggled to function, desperate to detach itself from the horrible memories as they clung stubbornly despite their rapid dulling, his chest rising and falling unsteadily.

"I won't. They won't. It's okay, Sirius. It'll be okay, I promise."

The words were said quietly and without malice, causing Sirius's eyes to open slowly. He met worried hazel eyes. James. He sat up quickly and wrapped his arms around his best friend in an uncharacteristic fashion, needing the comfort. "Shit James," he whispered, hugging him tightly, not wanting or able to let him go as his entire body shook in relief. "Fuck you scared me." A silent sob jerked his chest.

Arms wrapped around him in response, and a hand settled on his back. "It's okay, Sirius. It'll be okay."

* * *

"You can't go back there."

Sirius turned around slowly as he pushed up his collar to adjust his tie, James staring at his trunk he'd just finished packing like he was considering dumping it. School started back the next day, and Sirius still had a week to spend at Twelve Grimmauld.

He flipped down his collar, ignoring the plethora of emotions vying for his attention at his best friend's words. James had been acting off ever since the night before when he'd woken up covered in sweat, but the wild- haired wizard hadn't said anything until just then. Sirius tightened the knot to his tie, ignoring the implications. "I have to James, it's my home."

James took a step forward. "Screw that! Screw them, Sirius! You can stay here, live with me. My parents would let you, and you know it!"

Sirius closed his eyes slowly, his chest tightening wistfully at the words, at the offer. "I can't just run away, I'm the heir," he said tightly, the emotion twisting in his chest, creeping into his voice unwanted, "I have responsibilities."

"To who?" The words demanding.

Sirius looked over at his friend. "What?"

"To who?" James said again boldly. "Who do you have responsibilities to, Sirius? Your family? Your father, the fucking bastard who's clearly abusing you-" James cut off when Sirius grabbed him by the collar and shoved him up against the wall hard.

"Shut the fuck up," he growled, holding his best friend pinned to the wall, knuckles digging sharply into the wizard's collarbone as grey eyes grew dark, fury billowing in his chest. "You don't understand."

James glared back. "I understand enough! I understand that he's crucio'd you!" Sirius's hands loosened, his eyes widening in shock. No. How did he know that?

"You've been talking in your sleep," James said, as if reading his expression, sounding less sure of himself. "The night before when my mum gave you the calming draught and then last night too."

"Who did you tell?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I-Sirius, lis-"

"Who did you _fucking tell_ , James?!" he shouted, tightening his grip.

James tried to push him away. "No one! I didn't tell anyone, but you should! Sirius, that's illegal! And wrong! It's just bloody wrong!"

Sirius shoved him once more against the wall and then let go, walking back over to his trunk as relief washed over him sickeningly, and he muttered, "I can't do that. They do whatever they want, James, it wouldn't help."

"Then tell my parents! Sirius, they can help, I know they can, please!"

Sirius shook his head, refusing to meet James's gaze and clicking the lock to his trunk, the sharp sound echoing in his mind. "No, it'll be fine. I'll go home, stay out of trouble, and see you in a week."

There was a pause of silence and then, "Have you told Remus?"

Sirius's hands stilled, his jaw clenching. "No, I'm not going to, and neither are you."

"You should," James persisted, "he'd want to know.'

"Why?" Sirius stood up, glaring at his friend. "So he'd know how _fucked up_ my family is? Or so he could feel _sorry_ for me?" he asked, suddenly furious, his hand running up into his hair, pulling at dark locks, dark locks that showed his heritage, and he felt the distinct urge to rip it all out. Maybe he was losing it a little too. Maybe it ran in the family. He carefully lowered his hands and finished in a quietly resolute voice, "No. No, he doesn't need to know. I can handle it."

* * *

"Sirius, I've been looking for you."

The dark-haired wizard closed his eyes a moment too long before looking up to meet an icy grey gaze. He stood up from the chair he had been sitting in, setting his book on the table beside it. "Father, it's good to see you," he lied, flatly.

The fit older wizard stood in a pair of black slacks and a white button down with no tie, looking more like his son than the younger wizard was comfortable admitting. "I'll be taking you back to school tomorrow, your mother isn't feeling well."

Sirius nodded slightly as an anger began to build in his chest, the dreams he had been having ever since talking to Remus's father pushing to the forefront of his mind unbidden; the wizard's presence he had pointedly avoided - going so far as skipping meals when he was home - drawing the memories out like a poison to torture his mind. "Of course," he said tightly.

A single eyebrow raised in response. "Is there something you'd like to say?" Orion asked, his voice growing more quiet.

Sirius swallowed, his mind and body disagreeing more than should be possible. It was just a dream. Just a dream. It wasn't real ...But he'd do it... He'd kill Remus and not even care. He wouldn't think twice. _He'd hunt him down like an animal, and then he'd punish me afterward._ His fingers twitched, and he shook his head, trying to dislodge the anger that had somehow seeped from his muscles and into his thoughts.

"Sirius?"

Sirius's gaze refocused at the sound of his name, finding the wizard suprisingly close, his expression more calculating than aggressive but his stiff posture was impossible to ignore. Fingers clenched into fists, and Sirius fought the urge to lash out at the man within arm's reach. At least he would deserve whatever he got then. No... His left eye spasmed as he fought to regain his thoughts. No. It would only make things worse, it was best to appease him, he was leaving in the morning.

He forced his hands to loosen and cleared his throat, averting his gaze. "I apologize, Father, I... haven't been sleeping, it's getting to me a little," he forced out, his voice hoarse, knowing the dark circles under his eyes would aid in the claim; it was true after all.

The man studied him for a long moment before taking a step back, his posture relaxing. "I understand. I'll have Kreacher pack you the necessary potions, I wouldn't want it to affect your studies." He turned with that and began to make his way towards the library door, calling over his shoulder, "Be ready first thing in the morning."

Sirius nodded, not able to respond verbally as his body was riddled with the opposing feelings of indignation and relief, shame unwelcomingly joining the concoction. His shoulders dropped forward, and he sat back down on the chair behind him when the door clicked shut, his legs and arms visibly shaking as he dropped his face, hiding behind his hands. He was weak, there was no other explanation.

 


	64. Chapter 64

Sirius trudged up the winding staircase to his dorm the next day, just an hour before dinnertime. He was back, finally. He stopped at the top of the stairs, sucked in a slow breath of relief and then pushed the door open.

"Sirius, you're back!" Peter called, wide-eyed, from James's bed where he sat with a piece of candy floss hanging from his mouth. The two dorm mates were playing Wizard's Chess, James notably winning.

"Hey guys," Sirius replied, forcing a smile and trying not to look as exhausted as he felt as he entered the room. He glanced around, Remus's bed empty.

"Hey, it's good to have you back, mate." James stood up and walked over to him, pulling him into a half hug. "You look like shite."

Sirius laughed, ignoring the edge of genuine concern in his friend's tone and shoved him back. "Yeah, well at least it's only temporary," he retorted tiredly. He looked over to his bed longingly and then back at the door he had just walked through. "Where's Remus? Library?"

James took a step back, running a hand up into messy black hair. "Ah no, he's in the hospital wing still," he said in a surprisingly subdued tone, looking away and over to Peter, the two wizards exchanging a private look.

"Hospital?" Sirius frowned and looked over to Peter, the short blond immediately diverting his attention to study the game board in front of him intensely. "What... from the full?" he asked slowly, an uneasy feeling forming in his chest. That couldn't be right; it had been four days ago.

Sirius took a deliberate step toward his best friend when he received only hesitant looks in response, tension growing in his chest. "What's going on, James?"

James breathed out slowly and then met Sirius's grey eyes reluctantly. "Listen, before I tell you, promise you won't get—"

Sirius spun around and jogged the couple steps to the door and pulled it open, ignoring James's calls behind him to wait. He had heard enough.

* * *

Sirius pressed his lips tightly together between his teeth as the blasted hospital door creaked tellingly. He slipped in between the frame and matching heavy wooden door, catching it behind him so it shut with a muted click. He began to tiptoe, shoes in hand.

"Mr. Black, I figured you'd be here soon."

Sirius closed his eyes, and let out a slow sigh as he turned to face the mediwitch. "Madam Pomfrey I promise I'll be quiet and I'll just-"

The witch held up her hand, stopping his words. "I'm not sending you away, he's back there," she said in a surprisingly kind voice as she motioned to the far wall. "You can stay an hour, no more."

Sirius looked back to see a shut door at the end of the infirmary. "Thank you, ma'am," he said, turning away quickly and making his way to the room, his worries only growing.

He opened the door, peering in to see a sleeping Remus on a standard hospital bed, grey metal frame and white sheets, situated in the center of the private room. He set down his shoes by the wall before walking around to the side of the bed, his chest clenching as he looked down at the heavily bandaged werewolf.

He stood frozen for a long moment, not sure what to do when he heard his name slip sleepily from Remus's lips, his eyes still closed but sandy-blond brows pulling down like he did when he was in pain.

"I'm right here, Remus," he whispered as he climbed carefully onto the bed beside the sleeping werewolf, lying on top of the blankets and cautiously curling his body towards him. He lay with his eyes open and heart pounding too hard, afraid to touch him anywhere, guilt weighing heavily on his thoughts; if he hadn't been suspended he could have helped.

Sirius startled slightly, when the sandy-blond scooted closer and yawned before a hiss of pain was sucked in sharply between pursed lips, hazel eyes opening.

"Sirius?" Remus whispered roughly, his eyes glazed over as he met Sirius's gaze. "What're you doing here?"

"I just got back," he said softly, a hand coming up to gently push back sandy locks that had fallen down into the wizard's face. "What happened to you, Remus?"

"I... Bad full," he said hoarsely, laughing but then stopping short, pulling a look of discomfort. "Really bad."

"But why?" Sirius asked, allowing his gaze to run over the werewolf's body. "I don't - I don't understand. James and Peter didn't look that bad."

Remus didn't respond.

"Remus?" He paused. "Didn't they help you?" he asked. And anger towards their two friends began to bloom slowly but definitively in his chest when he still got no response. No wonder they had looked so guilty; they hadn't gone. He breathed in slowly. They had left him there all alone, to tear himself apart, terrified, and for what, what had they—

"Sirius, don't," the werewolf said quietly, as if he could read his train of thought, "it wasn't their fault, I told them not to come."

"What?" Sirius waited for further explanation. None came. "Why?" he asked bluntly.

Remus shrugged, the motion slight. "I didn't know how the wolf would do without you there too." He looked away. "I didn't want them to get hurt," he whispered.

Sirius's jaw clenched. His efforts had been in vain, he would do that himself. They should have gone. "You didn't want to hurt them? What about you?" he asked tightly, desperately trying to hold back the fury building in his chest as he lay beside the injured werewolf.

"Sirius, just calm down, it's not that bad, I'll be fine, it's just-"

" _Fine_?" Sirius cut him off sharply. He held back a harsh laugh, his control dwindling. "You'll be _fine_? Remus, you've been here four days. _Four days_ ," he said, losing control of his voice somewhat, "You could have _died_. Don't you care?"

Remus looked away, and realization hit Sirius like a giant brick wall. "You don't.. do you?" he heard himself ask. He could have lost him. Remus would have died. And he would have been left to go on - without him. Just like in his dreams. Pain twisted like a hot knife in his chest. He shoved himself off the bed, glaring darkly down at the hurt werewolf. "Well I _do_. Do you care about _that_?"

"Sirius please, I don't-"

"You just think everyone's more important, is that it?" he snapped, cutting him off. "So much that you'd rather risk your life than put James and Peter in any sort of danger?"

"Yes!" Remus shouted suddenly, surprising him. "Yes, all right? I'm a _werewolf_ , Sirius, this is my life. Okay? It's not theirs, they don't have to take the same risks. And if ...if I die some day..."-his voice began to grow more quiet again-"it's just, what happens with my kind. I've accepted that, and so should you."

"Your kind? Your _kind_?" Sirius shook his head vehemently, feeling sick. "No. No that's not true. You can't think like that. You're more than that. You mean so much to James and Peter and me. Remus, _I need you_ , don't you see that? If you died—" He stopped, shaking his head as pain sliced through his chest unbearably just at the thought. "Remus, I would die too."

Remus closed his eyes and spoke in a hushed even voice, "You just think that, you'd be okay. You'd cope."

"No." Sirius climbed back onto the bed, scooting as close as he could, wanting to touch him but resisting. "Remus, no, I wouldn't. And I won't let you die. I won't."

The werewolf's breath caught audibly in his throat. "But you won't always be here for me, you can't be, Sirius. Summer. After school. It's just not possible."

"No, it is. I will." Sirius licked his lips. He could fix this. He knew how, he knew what Remus needed to help him when he couldn't be there for him, and he would get more when he ran out. He knew what the wizard Riddle wanted from him in return.

He spoke up, an ominous feeling shadowing the words, "I'll take care of you... I promise." He lay quietly beside the sandy-blond, his mind a low buzzing and his muscles tense.

* * *

Sirius stalked towards the Great Hall an hour later, Madam Pomfrey having made him leave despite his begging to stay. He shoved the door open, grey eyes searching.

"Oi! _Potter_!" he barked, focusing solely on the Gryffindor wizard sitting in their usual spot for dinner, Peter nowhere to be seen. He scoffed mentally. He was probably hiding, the bloody rat.

Hazel eyes shot over, and James immediately pushed himself up out of his seat, his hands shooting up in an appeasing manner as he neared. "Sirius, Sirius, just listen to me fir-"

Sirius's fist made contact with the wizard's chin, stopping his excuses. There were no excuses.

He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt when he started to fall back, students from their House startling around them. "You bloody bastard! You call yourself a friend!?" he shouted and then hit him again, hearing the sounds of professors shouting in his direction but not caring.

"Sirius, I tried! I did," James said, not fighting back. "I swear!"

"Not hard enough! You should have tried harder!" He shook him when James spit blood on the floor instead of answering. "You're just lucky he's okay, Potter," he growled, keeping the words private, and then he hit him once more - James groaning when his fist made contact with his nose - before his body grew limp and heavy, and the all too familiar spell made his knees give out.

He found himself looking up at a bloodied and ruffled-looking James and a very unhappy Professor Slughorn. Shit.

* * *

"Hey."

Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus standing with his curtains pulled, looking down at him in a worried fashion. He smiled tiredly. "You're back," he said, scooting over and patting the spot in front of him.

"Yeah, Madam Pomfrey said I could leave if I promised not to push myself too hard." Remus climbed into the bed, lying down in the offered spot, Sirius's arm wrapping around him carefully as the wall of curtains fell shut once more.

"I heard about James."

Sirius placed a kiss on sandy-blond locks. He'd been assigned a week of evening detention with Slughorn for attacking James; it had been worth it. "What? That he's a wanker?"

Remus shook his head and laughed slightly. He paused for a moment before speaking up, his tone more subdued, "Sirius, it was my decision to make, not his. James felt awful about what happened. He still does."

Sirius breathed in slowly, ignoring the turbulent emotions in his chest at Remus's words. "I don't care."

Remus shifted beside him. "Listen... about earlier, what I said, I didn't mean to upset you."

Sirius didn't respond, his gaze shifting down. He didn't want to think about that.

Sandy blond locks came into view and hazel eyes peeked up at him as Remus leaned down to meet his gaze. "I'm not giving up if that's what you think."

Sirius didn't reply as Remus inched closer to him.

"I'll do my best to be here for you guys - for you," Remus whispered and then pressed his lips to his. "I didn't mean it, I was just upset."

Sirius's lips began to move, kissing Remus back hesitantly. "You didn't?"

Remus shook his head. "No." He kissed him again, more gently, carefully. "How was your week?"

Sirius sighed, his tired eyes giving up and falling shut again, a heaviness settling over his muscles as he finally began to relax. "Long. You wouldn't believe how much I missed you," he whispered back, pulling the werewolf even closer to him.

He hugged him gently, careful not to hurt him, his body relaxing further as he lay pressed against his. He felt lips on his neck. "I'm so tired," he barely murmured, his mouth disconnecting from his mind as unconsciousness overtook him peacefully for the first time in what seemed forever.

 


	65. Chapter 65

"Wake up guys! We've got Potions in less than an hour!"

Sirius groaned and his grip tightened on the warm body he was wrapped around comfortably. "Fuck you, Prongs," he grumbled at the owner of the annoyingly chipper voice. He was still angry with him.

"Come on! Remus can't afford to miss, he'll be lucky to get an E this year as it is."

Remus growled at Sirius's side. "Thanks James." He started to pull away but Sirius's arms tightened.

"I'll tutor you Remus, don't worry," he said around a yawn, holding him down, "Just stay." He didn't feel like getting up or working with Zabini for that matter. He just wanted to lie in bed with Remus. He groaned when hands pulled his arms loose and begrudgingly opened his eyes to see the wizard, who'd just been in his bed, grabbing a change of clothes from his trunk in a hurry. "What's the rush?"

Remus chanced a passing glance at James, the wizard standing in the middle of the room with his hands in his hair awkwardly, before shooting Sirius a tight smile. "Need to switch a book out at the library before breakfast. I'll meet you guys there."

Sirius closed his eyes and rolled over, nuzzling into the pillow that smelled of his boyfriend. He would just stay in bed until James left.

* * *

"I've decided to forgive you."

Sirius looked up as he adjusted the knot of his tie. It had been three days since he had attacked the wizard in the Great Hall, and three days since he or James had spoken, at least civilly, to each other. He eyed the wizard shrewdly. "I've not apologized."

James shrugged his shoulders as he turned to look in the mirror on the wall by his bed, messing his wild hair even more, looking somewhat agitated. "Yeah, well, you were going to - right?"

Sirius dropped down onto the edge of his bed to put his shoes on, Remus having left early to go to the library to drop off a book before breakfast, again. "I'm still pissed at you."

James sighed and turned around. "Yeah, well so am I. I should have never listened to Remus, I just, I don't know, I'm not as pushy as you and..." He looked around the room, his gaze stopping on the bathroom door, Peter's shower still running. "You were right, I was being a shitty friend, there's no excuse." He met Sirius's gaze. "And believe me, if I could take it back, I would, I never imagined it would be that bad."

Sirius pulled his laces tight and stood up. He walked over to James, stopping just in front of him, his expression unreadable. He pressed his lips together and then said abruptly, "I'm sorry James, I shouldn't have hit you."

"I know." James quirked a grin, and Sirius found himself mirroring it begrudgingly, it growing more genuine when James shoved him in the shoulder playfully and called him a colorful name. He really had missed his best friend. "So you've got it pretty bad for Moony, eh?"

Sirius's expression sobered, and he took a step back and glanced into his friend's mirror, smoothing his hair down until raven locks were almost hiding grey eyes. "What d'you mean by that?"

James's grin widened as he walked over to his trunk and grabbed his schoolbag from off it, pulling it over his shoulder. "Just that you've been following him around so much since you got back, I've been thinking of buying you a collar and leash for Christmas."

Sirius grinned, turning to kick his friend in the leg when he swaggered by. "You're a fucking git."

James laughed as they made their way to the door, cuffing him on the back of the head hard. "Yeah, and you're an ass."

* * *

"I think it needs stirred again."

Sirius nodded, looking into the cauldron. "Yeah, I think you're right," he said to the Slytherin beside him. He held out his hand, Greg handing him the spoon. He carefully stirred it one time counter-clockwise and then waited. Two smiles made themselves known as the color slowly began to turn a telling deep purple, the smell changing from a musky sour smell to a smoky sweet one.

"It's finished," Greg said, pleased, picking up two vials and his wand.

Sirius nodded in agreement as he chanced a glance over to Remus, who was two tables ahead of them and across the aisle, working with a brunette Slytherin. He couldn't remember her name. The sandy-blond was staring down intently at his potions text, his eyebrows furrowed. He frowned as he took the vial from Greg.

"How was your suspension?"

Sirius looked back over, eyebrows raised. "Long."

Greg grimaced and then said, "If it makes you feel any better, Crabbe is terrified of you now."

Sirius let out a laugh. "Yeah, it kind of does." He glanced back over to Remus.

"Sirius... I probably shouldn't say anything..."

Sirius hummed questioningly as he continued to watch Remus glance into his cauldron, frown and then look back down at his book before repeating the process.

Greg leaned towards him and whispered, the words barely audible, "I think Snape's been messing with Remus's potions."

Sirius's gaze sharpened, his jaw tightening, and he turned to the wizard beside him. "What do you mean?"

Greg glanced over to said Slytherin, the wizard beside Lily, their table in front of Remus's. "I heard him saying he didn't like how close he and the Evans witch are," he said in almost a whisper, "and last week, I saw him drop something in his cauldron when he wasn't looking, and then it bubbled over a few seconds later."

Grey eyes widened before narrowing into slits. "Is that so?" He watched the greasy-haired Slytherin stir the potion he was sharing with Evans. "Thanks Greg."

* * *

"Let me go!"

"Ah ah ah... It's best not to struggle Snivels," James said slowly, his voice filled with an overly concerned edge as he watched the Slytherin swing back and forth, hanging upside down over the side of the shifting staircases. He leaned forward, peering down at the stone ground several stories below. "I've only just learned that spell, you might actually free yourself."

Sirius leaned over beside James and gave the upside-down wizard a hard shove, making him swing even harder, and a startled noise fell from the Slytherin's lips before he started to spit curses at them, his wand tucked safely in James's back pocket. "Yeah, wouldn't want to dirty the floor with your greasy hair," he taunted the Slytherin, grey eyes dark with a manic gleam. He could hardly believe their luck when they had found the Slytherin skulking outside the Gryffindor common room right before curfew. "Have you missed us, Snivelly? I can only assume it's why you've been trying so hard to get our attention."

"I don't have the faintest what you're talking about—" The wizard stopped to let out a shout of distress when Sirius shoved him again, his body dropping a few inches before James's charm seemed to regain its integrity. "You're mad! You could kill me!"

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "And here he always acts so smart," he said, shaking his head, James's grin growing to match his. He leaned over the banister further and grabbed a fist of the wizard's robes to pull him closer, his wand out as he glared down at him. "Now. Are you going to stop bothering Remus, or do we need to check your accidental magic? Because, I'm betting you're a bit too old for it, but you never know until you try."

"I told you, I haven't been— _Ah_!"

Sirius had shoved him again, but harder, watching with satisfaction when the wizard tried to grab hold of the banister but missed by just a hair's width only to swing back out, eyes wide in terror. "You're lying, doesn't he sound like he's lying to us, James?" he said through clenched teeth, his tone growing harder.

James sniffed, studying the wizard for a second before nodding in a matter-of-fact fashion and saying, "Yeah, I believe you're right, Sirius." He stood upright, straightening his spine and stretching his neck to the side a bit and grimacing at a kink. "Just tell us Snivels, this is getting tiring. I might just drop you to test my catching spells."

Snape's eyes narrowed, the expression more comical to the two Gryffindors than anything as he hung upside down. "Fine, I did it, but it's not like he needed my help. Even if I leave Lupin alone, he'll just botch it up anyway, the filthy half-" The wizard's insult was cut short, his body flung up and dropped onto the floor safely in front of the two Gryffindors with a thud and a groan. He moved to push himself up immediately, stopping when he saw the two wands trained on his chest. "What more do you want?" he hissed.

James sighed and shook his head. "He really is rather thick, isn't he?" He glanced over to Sirius, who nodded minutely, his wand hand remaining trained carefully on the no longer, incapacitated wizard as James leaned down in a crouch to bring himself eye level with the Slytherin. "I want you to leave Evans alone too."

Snape's eyes narrowed, a hard glint in them. "I've not bothered her, we're friends, Potter," he hissed.

James shook his head slowly. "Is that what you think you are?" he asked quietly. He chuckled softly. "No. No, Evans feels sorry for you, she doesn't like you, and especially not how you like her." He smiled slowly to show perfectly kept, straight teeth when the wizard remained stone-faced. "She fancies me. Did she tell you about the time we spent together over Christmas break?"

The Slytherin's dark eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "Lily hates you. She would never willingly spend time with you."

Sirius laughed from behind his best mate. "Maybe you should tell her that then, seeing as how she shared a bed with old Jamie here. You kissed her too, didn't you, Prongs?"

James nodded, his expression gloating and his smile growing as Snape's expression dropped. "That I did, Padfoot." He leaned in closer. "Did she tell you that, Snivels?" he said in almost a whisper. "It's only a matter of time before she lets me in her knickers. I can tell she wants it."

Snape's hand shot out to grab the wand from James's back pocket, the Gryffindor using his Quidditch reflexes to jump back and up before he could. He let out a throaty laugh. He pulled out the wand, holding it up lazily for the wizard to see, Sirius's wand still pointed at him. "What? Do you want this back so you can practice your dark spells?" His lip snarled up in disgust. "I'm going to do you a favor, Snivels. You want to know why Evans likes me and not you?" he asked darkly.

The Slytherin didn't respond, his features tensing ever so slightly.

"It's because you're a messed up, dark wizard, and some day Lily will realize there's no hope for you and then - then she will drop you faster than you can imagine." He laughed.

Sirius blinked in surprise, his wand wavering somewhat. What?

James scoffed, "You try to pretend you're a decent person around her, I've seen it, but you're not, you're evil. I can see it in your eyes, it's in your blood."

Sirius's hand tightened around the wand in his hand. "All right, James, let's go," he said, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears, suddenly wanting nothing more than to leave both the wizards.

James lifted the wand the Slytherin was staring at with an intensity like he was trying to will it back into his hands, and hung it over the banister's edge, holding it loosely between his thumb and pointer finger. "What do you say, should I drop it, Sirius?"

Sirius glanced over at the Slytherin wizard, his expression cold, but he noticed the hint of sadness he was trying to hide from James's words. He was right after all. He swallowed hard, feeling the same emotion plastered on Snape's face echo in his own chest unbidden.

"Sirius?"

"Nah, it's not worth it," he said, grabbing the wand from James and throwing it at the feet of the shocked Slytherin. He began to back up, his wand still trained on him and James by his side, until they made it around the corner and dashed for the Gryffindor portrait.

He entered the common room and began immediately for the dorm stairs, ignoring James's exuberant talking behind him. A hand grabbed Sirius by the shoulder. He pulled away.

"Sirius, mate, wait up." The hand grabbed at him again but harder.

Sirius turned at the base of the stairs and shoved his friend away. "Get off, James."

James stumbled back a few steps, the shock apparent in his eyes. "What's wrong with you?"

Sirius sneered, "Nothing. I'm bloody fantastic." James reached out again with a look of concern, Sirius jerking back and out of reach. "Don't touch me, James," he warned.

The wizard looked around the mostly empty common before taking a step closer, blocking his path, and lowering his voice. "You upset about something?"

Sirius let out a barking laugh, and then his jaw clenched painfully as he smiled, showing his teeth. "Yeah, I need to go wank, and you won't leave me alone. Now, unless you want to help—" He paused, shoving his friend out of his way, the wizard not fighting it that time. "Leave me _alone_."

 


	66. Chapter 66

Sirius lay in his own bed alone, staring up at the motorcycle poster charmed to his ceiling, not that late his first Friday back at school.

He would get one when he was out of school, a motorbike, after seventh year. A beauty, with black and lots of silver - chrome, James had called it - and he'd get a nice flat in London, close to the muggle pubs, and buy one for Remus too, a motorcycle that is, or maybe he'd just want to ride on the back of his. And he and Remus—and James and Peter too—they could live together. It'd be fun. Things would be better then, better than they were now. He wouldn't have to worry about his parents so much once he was out of Twelve Grimmauld, and he could tell them he wasn't going to marry Evie and that they could sod—

"Sirius?"

Sirius didn't look over at the familiar voice that had interrupted his daydreaming, bringing him back to reality. "Hey Remus," he said softly. He felt the bed shift, dipping beside him as the werewolf climbed in and then the curtains fell shut, and they were left with the dim charmed light floating near the ceiling, its job to shine on the piece of art.

"Do you ever wank to that?"

Sirius felt a grin push up his lips. He shifted his eyes, his head barely moving, to shoot the werewolf an amused look. "Would you like me to?"

Remus laughed, the sound lifting Sirius's mood a bit. "Not particularly," he admitted.

Sirius rolled onto his side and draped an arm over the sandy blond's chest. "Where are James and Peter?" he asked quietly.

"Talking to Lily and her friends down in the common room. They've decided to have a party tonight, and I've been sent up to fetch you."

Sirius shifted closer and rested his face in the crook of Remus's neck. "I'm too tired for a party."

Remus's hand ran up into Sirius's hair, the wizard humming appreciatively at the soothing touch. "Yeah, me too.

"Is something bothering you? You've been a bit... distant this week."

Sirius shook his head and then pressed his lips to soft skin. His hand slowly slid downward until fingers found a belt to grasp. He tugged at it. "I'm fine," he lied, and then he began to fiddle with the buckle. "I could be doing better though," he added, as he set to work on the obstinate piece of clothing. "You want to mess around?"

Remus's breath caught, Sirius nibbling on his neck and then his fingers starting on the wizard's buttons. "Mess around?" he asked, his tone a little flustered.

Sirius smiled, and then pressed his front against the werewolf's side in a more physical plea of what he wanted. "Yeah, so I don't have to use that poster anymore."

Remus let out a laugh and then rolled onto his side to face him, meeting his lips in a kiss. "I thought you didn't do that."

Sirius grasped the werewolf's hips and pushed his lower body up against his, his blood beginning to race. "I never said that," he teased and then groaned when a hand began to tug at the buttons of his slacks. "Remus," he whispered and then met his lips again, his tongue sliding between soft lips when they parted. He moaned when a hand slid down into his pants, and he arched into the much wanted touch.

"Sirius, do you mind if..." Remus whispered, not finishing.

Sirius opened his eyes, his lids heavy and breathing unsteady as the werewolf's hand moved around him. "Yeah Moony?" he asked, his voice rough as he nodded, he would agree to anything if he promised to keep touching him.

Remus bit his lip, his hand stilling, and then he said, motioning to his slacks, "Can I take these off?"

Sirius licked his lips, and he nodded, quickly. "Yeah," he said and then began to help him unasked, sitting up to pull his partially unbuttoned shirt off over his head first. He dropped the top at his feet, watching Remus begin to work on his own clothes. He grinned. "I'm glad you came to fetch me."

Remus laughed, his shirt off too as he moved up onto his knees and pushed down his slacks, leaving his pants on to Sirius's disappointment. "Yeah, hopefully James doesn't come to see what's taking so long."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, lifted his hips and pushed his own slacks down and off before grabbing the werewolf around the waist and pulling him down on top of him in one swift movement, Remus yelping in surprise, his slacks still wrapped around his calves. "You mean so much to me, Remus," he said against his cheek, pushing hips up and pressing himself firmly against the werewolf, who was still trying to free his left ankle from his slacks. He grasped the wizard's hips to steady him and rocked up against him again. "You make me feel so good."

Remus nodded and cursed his agreement to the latter statement and then pushed his own pants down, sliding onto the bed beside Sirius to get them off all the way along with his stubborn slacks. His hands grabbed hold of Sirius's boxers, and he met his gaze questioningly.

Sirius nodded ever so slightly. "Help yourself," he said and then cracked a smile when Remus laughed, his dancing hazel eyes making Sirius's heart join in. "I love your laugh," he said, scooting closer, grey eyes falling shut when their bodies made contact, skin touching skin, Remus's hands on him, soothing his mind and making everything seem a little less daunting, better.

He ran a hand down the wizard's side, gently trailing fingers appreciatively over scars before settling it on his nice backside. "I love your arse too..." He gave it a playful squeeze, Remus's answering smile making his last words come out more fervently than he had planned. "I love everything about you, Remus," he said softly.

Remus pressed his lips against his, his mouth opening, and he moved his hips forward and against him, causing Sirius to moan into his mouth just before he pulled back to meet his gaze, his hazel eyes piercing, and he said: "I love you, Sirius."

Sirius froze at the three words that had fallen from Remus's lips, his heart suddenly doing a funny thing inside his chest that made it feel like he might have to get a new one. He blinked rapidly. Maybe he had misheard him. He couldn't have—"I'm sorry?"

Remus closed his eyes slowly. He shook his head. "No, I'm not going to repeat it like that."

Sirius swallowed hard, his teeth biting down on his entire lower lip as he studied the increasingly uncomfortable-looking werewolf. Shit. He had said it. He had really said it. He felt a welling in his chest. "You love me?" he asked in a tight voice, still not quite believing. Maybe he had misspoken.

Remus let out a clipped laugh. He looked down, hiding his face from Sirius. "You're a complete arse, you know that, right?"

Sirius fought to clear his mind. Why was he an arse? "Remus." He lifted his hand, and used a single finger to push hazel eyes back into view. "I do too."

Remus blinked. "You love... yourself?"

Sirius frowned. Oh. Oh. He let out a whisper of a laugh at his own idiocy. "No, you. You Remus," he said quickly, meeting his gaze, his heart acting up on him again, a rushing feeling making it hard to think or breathe. He took in an uneven breath. "I love you too."

Remus didn't react at first, but then a smile slowly made its way up either corner of his mouth, and the skin around his eyes crinkled. "Yeah?" he asked, his voice soft.

Sirius nodded just barely, a feeling of happiness making him a little giddy. "Yeah... A lot actually."

Remus laughed at that and then moved closer, his face burying into Sirius's neck in an uncharacteristic fashion. "I love you a lot too..."

A stupid grin plastered itself on Sirius's face, and he hugged the sandy-blond close to him, forgetting for a moment that they were unclothed or what they had just been doing.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah Remus?"

"You can touch me... there. If you want," Remus said, his words muffled but cutting through the fog in Sirius's mind like a sharpened blade.

Sirius's mind stuttered. He had already touched him there, so he must mean—"I can?"

Remus nodded against his neck, tickling him a little. "Yeah, if you want to."

"I do." Sirius felt a rush of excitement shoot through him, and he slid his hand down Remus's arm, his body working ahead of his brain. "I do. Are you sure?"

Remus nodded, the motion more hesitant when Sirius's hand dipped around his side and began to trail slowly along the line that ran down the center of his back. "I'm sure."

Sirius stopped, his hand pausing, resisting moving further down. "Do you want me to?" he asked, massaging the tense muscles of his lower back as he waited for an answer. He wanted him to want it. The werewolf nodded. He licked his lips. "Y'want me inside you, Remus?" he asked, softly.

Remus groaned a 'yes' that made Sirius's eyes try to roll back into his head.

" _Fuck_ Remus." He placed a kiss on the wizard's chin and then a few on his neck and then began to trail open- mouthed kisses down his chest and then stomach, enjoying the sounds from the sandy-blond as he made his way south.

"What are you doing?" Remus gasped when he stopped, just in front of where his pants had been covering only moments before.

Sirius looked up at him with a mischievous gleam in his eye. "I'm going to make it good for you," he said and then placed a hand on the wizard's stomach and pressed him down onto his back, climbing between his legs. "I want it to be _really_ good for you," he said huskily and then shifted himself further down on the bed.

He gently spread the wizard's legs wider and angled his hips up as he leaned down, his tongue reaching out and then gasps began to fall from Remus's lips, some forming enough to sound like his name, wrapping around his mind and filling his every thought as he gently introduced the wizard to being touched there and tasted him for the first time.

* * *

Sirius held a sleeping Remus close to him, the wizard's back pressed against his bare chest as they both lay in only their pants. The memory of what they had done replaying in his mind. The wizard's noises when he had finally removed his tongue and used fingers in its stead - pleasuring him until he thought he might explode from his overactive mind translating the information to his neglected body part - had been almost too much to bear. Fortunately the werewolf had helped him out immediately after, pushing him down onto his back and whispering words of gratitude against his sweat-sheened skin before kissing him somewhere painfully needy, and he had cried out Remus's name only a couple minutes later with his fingers twisted in short sandy locks.

He placed a small kiss on the wizard's neck when he mumbled unintelligibly in his sleep and shifted back, settling more snugly against him. Remus had said he loved him. He found himself smiling again. Remus loved him.

He hadn't expected it at all. He knew that was how he felt for Remus, but he hadn't expected it to be reciprocated, for Remus to care about him that much. Not really. He had always worried in the back of his mind that Remus didn't like him as much as he liked him. That maybe he had just worn the werewolf down after years of pining after him, and that Remus was just too kind to shatter his hopes.

And other than Greg, no one had ever loved him, not that he knew of, at least no one had ever told him before. Not his dad or his mum or his little brother, not even his uncle...

He pressed the side of his face against Remus's back, his skin warm, grey eyes falling closed. He didn't want to think of that though. No, Remus loved him, and he loved Remus, and they were together. It was more than he could have asked for.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Things were good.

 


	67. Chapter 67

Grey eyes opened slowly, the morning sun's rays creeping in above tightly pulled red curtains and lightening their muted color to a bright crimson at the edges. Muscles stretched and then relaxed, and a groaning yawn fell from parted lips, filling the quiet space.

"You awake?"

Sirius grinned at the sleep-laden voice beside him and turned to meet soft hazel eyes framed by bed-mussed sandy locks. He shifted onto his side and slid closer.

"Morning Moony," he greeted lazily, his words muffling at the end as his lips made contact with deliciously warm skin. Remus was always warm. He hummed, the appreciative noise reverberating in his chest, at the fact as he nestled his cooler body closer. He loved that. Love. He smiled again, happiness warming him from the inside as he pressed against the heated werewolf, the combination making him feel toasty and a little like he was floating as the night before refreshed itself in his mind. Remus loved him.

"Love you Remus," he murmured against his neck.

"I love you too Sirius," Remus replied in almost a whisper, his tone genuine but a little off, maybe a little - relieved?

"Good," Sirius said shortly, Remus chuckling in response, and he moved closer, his lower body that is, groaning deeply at the contact. " _Remus_..."

"Sirius... Sirius don't, not right now," Remus said, his words a little uneven, hands coming up to hold back Sirius's hips that had just pressed up against him, his morning arousal greeting him and making itself very known. "We're- we're going to miss breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," Sirius replied obstinately and then began to nibble on his neck, eliciting a few curses from a clearly struggling Remus. "Not for food anyway," he added with a sly grin, and then his fingers began to slide down the werewolf's tone stomach, teasingly.

"Hey guys, get—Holy shit, is that all you two do?"

Sirius groaned internally and quite possibly externally too, his hand stopping but fingers latching on stubbornly to pajama pants even as Remus tried to put space between them. His gaze cut up sharply to a surprised but mostly amused James, the wizard standing fully dressed in a hoodie and jeans as he held the curtains pulled back, Peter making the smarter decision and slowly backing away. He growled when James lifted an unimpressed eyebrow at his warning glare. "Merlin James, get the fuck out!"

James let loose an unaffected laugh as Remus removed Sirius's hand, pushing himself up, a flush crawling up the back of his neck as he spoke. "I'm going to jump in the shower, I'll meet you guys in the Great Hall," he mumbled before pushing all the way off Sirius's bed and making his way to his own bed to grab a shirt he had left there, pulling it over his head as he made his way for the bathroom door.

Sirius watched, his mood dipping drastically as the door swung shut, Remus leaving him behind without another word. His bed then dropped, the action almost mocking as James plopped down.

"Now I see why you never made a show to the party last night, in hindsight I should've known better than to send Remus up," James said with a shit-eating grin, smacking Sirius in the back of the head when he dropped his face into his pillow. "Cheer up mate, you'll have plenty of time to shag Remus later after the Hogsmeade trip."

Sirius mumbled curses at his alleged best friend into his pillow. He had ruined his morning, not to mention that his over assumption was slightly hard on Sirius's ego. He and Remus hadn't shagged yet, and probably weren't about to either. And not because he didn't want to, because he did - more than anything. But he didn't want to push things, and he didn't know if Remus was ready yet, and he had told Remus he would wait until he said he was. And Remus hadn't said he was yet, and he was okay with that, he was, but he wasn't okay being reminded it, especially not by the messy-haired, bloody bastard who had just scared off Remus. He groaned against the silky pillowcase. Stupid James. Stupid fucking James.

"Come on, don't be such a spoil sport, you've been acting so down lately."

Sirius groaned again in response, but its previously lamenting tone gone, replaced by a harder emotion. Maybe he had been, but it hadn't been an act. James's words from days before flashed through his mind, and his dipping mood crashed hard. Is that what his best friend really thought about dark-magic wizards? That they were hopeless, inevitable lost causes? Did he think Remus would wise up too, like Evans? And if so, why the hell was he even his friend? "Fuck off James," he growled.

The bed shifted at his side, and he felt a body settle beside him. He turned his head slowly to find James lying on his back, his gaze trained on the ceiling. His eyes narrowed. "You know you're probably lying on jizz," he said harshly.

James waved a hand dismissively and then placed both hands behind his head, shifting himself around as if he were making himself comfortable. "Nah, Remus is too clean for that, I'm sure he tidied up."

Sirius dropped his face back into his pillow. He was right.

"Guys... I'm going to go grab us some food before they clear the trays," Peter said in what Sirius thought was an unduly nervous voice, James responded his assent before the door to their dorm opened and then closed with a click.

"Are you going to talk to me?" The words more hesitant, now that they were alone. Sirius didn't respond.

James let out a huff. "Sirius, I really don't know what I did. But obviously, I did something because you're fine with Pete, and you and Remus have been shagging like bloody rabbits, so it's not him either. But you've said barely anything to me other than to 'sod off' the past few days. So what'd I do?"

Sirius considered telling him to sod off again. He knew for a fact that even though James was a persistent stubborn arsehole, he did get rather annoyed if he was rejected enough. Probably something to do with being coddled so much as a child, because he really didn't like being disregarded. And it was likely most of the reason, if Sirius had to call it, why Evans kept turning him down as of recent, because she was obviously attracted to him, but he always got terribly put out and snappy when she'd even act like she might say no— Well, that and the fact he was a bit of a git too probably wasn't helping. He huffed into the pillow and rolled onto his back. "Remus and I aren't shagging," he stated for some reason.

James hummed by his side. "Sorry mate," he said, his tone subdued.

Sirius shrugged. And then they both lay, looking up at the poster plastered over his wall. "Listen. It's nothing James," he finally said quietly, wishing it were the truth, "I'm just being a bit of a bitch. You know how I get."

James didn't reply for a few moments, but then he said in a tired sounding voice, "Don't lie to me Sirius, I'm not an idiot, I've done something, and I just wish you'd tell me already."

Sirius felt the urge to do just that, the want, the need, pushing at his chest and trying to force the words out. That he had always hoped that James accepted him for how he was, thought of him like a brother, and that he'd be there for him no matter what, that it was unconditional - but that now he was beginning to have his doubts about their friendship, not to mention his and Remus's, like all of his relationships were just tied to a ticking time bomb. And he didn't know when it was going to go off.

He pushed himself up abruptly, climbing over James's legs, biting back the words that were clawing at his chest. "I've told you, it's nothing," he said firmly and then let out a laugh that was more clipped and much drier than he had meant. He shook his head angrily at himself and turned to his trunk, rummaging for clothes. "Stop being such a bird all the time," he added, forcing it out in a lighter tone.

He ignored his friend's quiet gaze, dropping his pants and then stepping into a pair of dark grey slacks, tugging them up and continuing to avoid him as he did the buttons up. He stepped into a pair of shoes. "Did you finally talk Evans into Hogsmeade?" he asked with an air of nonchalance, grabbing a black button-up and shrugging it on as he worked to clear his mind of the depressing thoughts James had dredged back up. It wouldn't do to think about it, he just needed to be careful was all.

James let out a boisterous laugh at the question and jumped off the bed. "How'd you know? Did Remus tell you?" he asked excitedly, his mood visibly lifting by leaps and bounds.

Sirius stopped at his buttons, dark eyebrows shooting up, his surprised gaze lifting to meet James's eager one. "Really? She actually said yes?" he asked with no small amount of incredulity. "You sure she just wasn't really pissed up?"

James rolled his eyes and shoved him in the shoulder lightly. "You're such an arse, she wasn't even drinking." He then sniffed as he nodded rather proudly at his success, a crooked smile playing at his lips. "Seems she just couldn't resist the Potter charm anymore."

Sirius let out a laugh of disbelief, shaking his head as he finished the buttons to his shirt, leaving the last two undone. He dropped his trunk lid, forgoing a tie. "Well done, mate," he said, clapping a smug James on the back, the wizard throwing an arm around his shoulder in return and pulling him towards the door.

"Yeah, look at us, I've got Lily and you've got Moony. Just wait Padfoot, things are only going to get better here on out," he said with a huge grin and twinkling hazel eyes that made Sirius almost believe what he was saying. Almost.

Sirius forcefully buried the seed of doubt and let out an easy barking laugh as they made their way out of the room. "Yeah, yeah Prongs, for sure," he said, James's arm still draped across his shoulders as they descended the stairway.

 


	68. Chapter 68

"Ah, Messr Moony, I thought I might find you here." Sirius grinned down at the sandy-blond sitting on the floor in the farthest back corner of the library as he stood in dress slacks and a nice button up, ready for their first outing as a couple. "What're you doing here? Everyone's left for Hogsmeade, I waited at the front door for you after breakfast."

Remus looked up, meeting his gaze. He closed the book in his lap. "Oh, I didn't know we were going together," he said in a careful voice.

Sirius let out a laugh and lowered down beside the werewolf, moving the book to the floor and replacing it with his head instead. He looked up into somewhat amused hazel eyes. "Of course we are. We're together now, why wouldn't we?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah, I guess." He leaned back against the wall behind him, scooting down a little, shifting hips forward, and Sirius rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around his slim waist, hugging him. "So, I've been meaning to ask you..." Remus said, his hand finding Sirius's dark locks and eliciting a happy hum from the taller wizard.

"Shoot," Sirius mumbled between quickly relaxing lips.

Long fingers raked through black silky locks. "Us. I know we're together, but how do you want to do this exactly?"

Sirius frowned even as his eyes closed under the relaxing touch. How did he want to do this? "Remus, you ask the oddest questions," he said drowsily, the werewolf's touch making him consider a nap.

"Git." Remus laughed softly and tugged at his locks playfully and then sighed, the sound not overly happy. "I'm just saying, I know your family isn't the easiest to deal with, and I don't want to cause any... trouble or anything between you and them, you know?"

Sirius's frown deepened. "Don't worry about my family."

"Well, okay - but I can't not worry about you. So, I mean, maybe we should probably keep us a secret? Just act like friends when it's not just us, you know?"

Sirius's arms loosened around Remus's waist, and he began to fiddle with a fold in the wizard's shirt between his thumb and index as he thought. A secret. It made sense. He didn't like the idea of having to hide their relationship, but he had toyed with the same thought himself, not that he was worried about himself. But he didn't want it to get back to his parents again, because he was concerned they might take it out on the sandy blond beside him. His father had alluded to knowing of Remus's condition, and he couldn't help but think his flippant disregard towards the werewolf could be just as bad as it was good. His arms tightened protectively around Remus again. "Yeah, maybe that's a good idea. For a while at least," he hedged.

* * *

"Ah, you made it."

Sirius grinned sheepishly at the dark-skinned Slytherin standing at their usual table in potions class the first week in March, ingredients neatly set out, and their cauldron already partially filled. He lifted his bag over his head, setting it on the floor, and he pulled out his text. "Sorry I'm late, got a little sidetracked this morning," he said as he stood back up. It wasn't a lie, he had gotten very sidetracked in the shower after seeing a not-so-dressed Remus walk by and had had to wait for the shared bathroom to clear out so he could address the issue.

He was admittedly finding himself more and more 'sidetracked' as of recent, thinking about him and Remus in possible different positions. They needed to have more alone time before Sirius exploded, but that unfortunately was proving rather difficult with the werewolf studying late almost every bloody night since February with Evans in preparation for Owls, James joining them sometimes just to be near the witch, who had refused to date him again after he'd seen fit to hex Snape for a laugh on their first one - right in front of her.

Greg shot him an answering smirk, and then his gaze shifted back down as he continued to cut up the wortsroot he was working on. "No problem."

Sirius flipped his book open distractedly, and he chanced a glance over at Remus, who was ignoring a chattering James at his shoulder as he worked with Evans, both their partners missing from class. He looked back over at the Slytherin. "Oh hey, heard about your brother leaving the family business to go professional with his Quidditch. Congratulations on being the new Zabini heir."

Greg stopped and looked up. "Thanks Sirius," he said with a genuine smile.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, no problem mate, I didn't get you anything though. Seeing as how we're not, you know," he said with an easy shrug.

Greg laughed, scooping the prepared ingredients from the table to drop them into their cauldron. "Yeah, we definitely aren't shagging anymore," he said with a wry edge as he watched the contents of their cauldron carefully for a reaction.

Sirius grimaced internally. "Sorry. I didn't mean it that way." He chanced a glance back over to Remus, the werewolf not meeting his gaze but looking rather unhappy for someone who was cutting up a root. Shit. Remus's hearing was far too good.

"No I know," the Slytherin said, turning the page of his book and checking something before murmuring a heat incantation on the bottom of their cauldron. "I'm having a party tonight. Just a few people." He paused, looking up again. "Would you want to come, you and Remus, and James and Peter?"

"Yeah? Where at, Slytherin common room?" Sirius asked, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he began to flip through his own potions book, trying to find the actual page they were on.

"No, Quidditch pitch."

"Ah."

"We're just going to drink and whatnot, nothing formal." Greg reached across to grab a vial filled with a cloudy blue liquid, his arm grazing lightly across Sirius's stomach as he did.

Sirius took a quick step back, clearing his throat when his body responded to the touch somewhat. He let out a quiet laugh. He needed to get Remus alone and soon. "Ah, you sure you want us to come?"

Brown eyes flicked up, meeting his. "Yeah, unless you don't feel comfortable with it."

Sirius found himself shaking his head. "No, no I'll come, I'll talk to the guys."

Greg smiled at him. "All right. Sounds good." He then moved back to his side and began to pour dish after dish into the cauldron. "You know, I'm going to replace you with a different partner one of these weeks if you're not more useful again soon, Sirius."

Sirius let out a laugh, feeling himself relax. He patted the wizard on the back beside him. "No you won't, you'd miss me too much."

* * *

"So... Zabini's throwing a party tonight. I told him we'd come," Sirius said as he stood by his trunk after dinner, searching for the firewhiskey bottles he had put an undetectable spell on because of the increased security at the school since Christmas break.

"Greg?" James asked with interest, the wizard lying on his bed, tossing a black and white checkered ball he had transfigured from a wadded up piece of paper into the air and catching it over and over. "Sounds fun."

"Yeah," Peter piped in, "I'm in."

"I can't go."

Sirius looked over to Remus, the werewolf sitting on his bed, a book in his lap like he had been doing all week. Black eyebrows furrowed. "Sure you can, Moony. We don't have any tests next week, and it'll be fun."

Remus didn't respond. Sirius frowned.

"Hey, think he'd mind if I asked Lily?" James asked, hitting the once again piece of paper with his hand and knocking it off the bed before sitting up.

Sirius shrugged, his gaze trained on Remus. "I doubt it. So what do you say, Remus? Going to a friend's party tonight, fun, yeah?"

Remus looked up slowly, his hazel eyes surprisingly cool. "I'm not friends with Zabini."

Sirius's expression dropped, and James let out a laugh. "What? What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, ignoring James when he walked by and ruffled his hair as he made his way for the door.

"I'm going to go ask Lily. Wish me luck guys! Come on Pete, you can watch," James said from the door, Peter following after him.

"It means, I don't particularly like him," Remus said in a tone that matched his gaze.

Sirius didn't notice the click of the door as he walked over to Remus. He looked down at the sandy blond, he seemed tense. "Something wrong, Remus? Not feeling well?"

Remus began to read again. "No I'm fine, I just don't want to go to the party is all."

Sirius sat down on the edge of Remus's bed. "All right. We won't go then," he said softly, reaching out a hand and grasping his boyfriend's bare foot. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "We can just spend the evening together then, alone." He smiled at the thought.

Remus turned the page. "I can't. Study group tonight again. Just go on without me."

Sirius frowned. "Go without you? I don't want to do that."

"Why not? You like parties. You like Zabini. Sounds like a good time," Remus said a little too matter-of-factly for Sirius's comfort.

The wizard sat quietly for a long moment, not sure what to say. "All right. I guess. I'll just go for a bit." He gave the wizard's foot another squeeze before standing up, trying to push back the sudden unease clenching at his chest. He and Remus were fine, things were fine. He was just stressed over Owls was all. He walked over to the door, the feeling in his chest persisting despite his best efforts. "I might go watch James ask Lily out, should be fun, want to come?"

Remus shook his head, not responding verbally or looking up, motioning him on with a wave of his hand.

Sirius stopped, his hand resting on the handle. "I really won't be there long, maybe we can do something after," he said hesitantly.

"No, I'll be late, stay as long as you want," Remus said, clipped.

Sirius nodded, holding back a frown, as he opened the door, letting it shut quietly behind him.

* * *

"Sirius, James, you guys came!" A very drunk Greg greeted them with a bottle in his hand.

"Yeah, of course we did, mate," James said happily, holding out a bottle of firewhiskey. "And we got you a gift!"

Sirius forced a smile at the Slytherin, his hands pushed into his slacks' pockets as he walked beside James, who had been drinking quite heavily for the past hour as he lamented Lily turning him down with a well- placed hex. They stopped, Peter by their side in the middle of the Quidditch field.

"Hey Peter," Greg greeted the blond.

"Hey Greg, thanks for inviting us," the boy responded happily.

"Yeah, of course," Greg said and then, "Hey, where's Remus?"

"Ah, couldn't make it," Sirius said, forcing another grin, "said he needed to study." He didn't figure he should add the part where the werewolf had said he didn't like him.

Greg nodded silently at that, and then a witch walked up and placed a kiss on his cheek. He wrapped an arm around her waist and then said, "Hey guys, you remember Briony, right?"

The Gryffindors nodded, greeting her.

The witch leaned up onto her toes and whispered into Greg's ear, making a smile slowly pull up the Slytherin's lips.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "Well, we'll leave you guys to it then," he said, turning away as Greg pulled the giggling witch into a kiss. He felt an odd twinge in his chest, and an arm wrapped around his shoulders.

"Bit weird seeing your ex do that, eh mate?"

Sirius huffed a laugh. "Yeah maybe a little," he admitted. "I'm happy for him though. Even if Briony is a complete bitch."

James laughed and ruffled his hair. "Jealousy isn't a flattering look on you, mate."

Sirius shoved him away. "Fuck off," he said, earning him a barking laugh that made him feel more agitated.

"Don't be like that," James said, wrapping his arm around him again, "It's understandable, I hate seeing Sarah with Diggory. It's normal."

Sirius sighed. "Maybe. I just need a drink." He wished Remus would have come.

James let out a whoop. "Yeah, yeah that's more like it. You've been no fun at all this term. You need to loosen up some."

Sirius nodded as they picked a spot a bit away from the Slytherin group and sat down.

"Here, drink up."

He looked down at the bottle pressed against his chest and took it. He lifted it to his lips and took a swig, focusing on the burn as it ran down his throat and settled in his stomach, coiling and warming him.

* * *

"And so we decided to part ways but remain the best of friends," James said not an hour later, Sirius's arm slung affectionately around his shoulders as he laughed wholeheartedly at James's huge lie. James had met a pretty blond who had been alternating ogling Sirius and Greg, evidently she knew about their previous fling and found guys kissing a huge turn on.

The Slytherin witch looked between them with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. "Wow. I mean.... That's _really_ hot. So you two are okay with that?"

James nodded stoically. "Yeah, I'd never let something like that get between our friendship."

Sirius grinned, grey eyes glassy and eyelids heavy. "Yeah, and James still likes to hook up on occasion," he said, the expression growing when James coughed at that. It served him right.

"Really?" the witch asked, eyes growing impossibly wide. "Can I see?"

James stammered, and Sirius let loose another laugh.

"See what?"

"Oh, hey Briony. Hey Greg. James was just telling me how he and Sirius hook up sometimes."

Briony's eyes widened like saucers, and Greg let out a laugh that kind of sounded like he was choking. " _You two_?" the Slytherin asked in a laughing disbelief.

James only hesitated for a second. "Yeah, but we've cooled off mostly," he hedged. Sirius snickered, his head dropping to rest on James's shoulder, he would let him talk his way out of this, it was his lie after all.

"Well let's see it then."

Sirius's eyes opened to meet Briony's sharp gaze.

"What?" James asked.

"Let's see it. You guys aren't afraid are you?" the witch goaded.

"No," James said defiantly as Sirius stood upright, frowning at the girl. He _really_ didn't like her.

"Well, do it then." The girl raised dark eyebrows in a clear challenge. 

Sirius started to retort when lips _crashed_ against his. He felt the bottle in his hand drop, and then his hands were grabbing James's face, and when a tongue ran along his lips, his mouth fell open. He met his best friend's tongue with a laugh. Fuck it.

 


	69. Chapter 69

" _Fuck._ "

Sirius's back hit the wall beside the portrait inside the Gryffindor common room. He was drunk. Really drunk. Like eyes wouldn't stay open drunk, and lips were on his neck. Too much teeth though. "Fuck, James. Stop it, you're gonna leave a mark, Remus'll think I was snogging someone."

"You are." James began to laugh. "Maybe I do fancy blokes. A little anyway."

Sirius let loose a rough laugh as hands trailed down his sides, and his eyes fell shut again. "No you don't, you're just really pissed up," he said, and then a hand palmed him through his slacks.

"Yeah, and horny." Lips found Sirius's neck again. "Want to help me out, Pads?"

Sirius groaned. _Shit_. This wasn't really a joke anymore. This was bad. And he couldn't think. "No," he said but then something hard and insistent pressed against his own eager body part, and it felt kind of comforting in a terrible way. "Oh, fuck Prongs," he growled, grabbing the wizard's hips and guiding the motion a few times before shoving him backwards and towards a sofa, and more importantly, away from him.

"Just need to get off, need a girlfriend, need Lily," James said and then the backs of his knees hit the couch, and he fell backwards onto the cushions, his hand grabbing a fistful of Sirius's shirt and pulling the unexpecting wizard down on top of him.

"Yeah, maybe you should stop hexing Snape on your dates then," Sirius laughed and made to push himself off when hands grabbed his shoulders.

"Nah, s'too much fun," James said sleepily, his arms wrapping around Sirius in a hug of sorts.

Sirius let his head drop on his best friend's shoulder, relieved he'd evidently given up on the terrible idea. "Should go upstairs," he said when James continued to hold him down.

"No, don't leave. Everything's spinning," James groaned and then hugged him more tightly. "You know, you're my best mate, I love you Sirius. I don't know what I'd do without you. Padfoot'n Prongs, best mates there ever were," he declared sleepily and not a little drunk.

Sirius laughed at the unexpected words and rested his head more comfortably on his best friend's shoulder. "Yeah, yeah James, love you too."

* * *

 

"You two disgust me."

Sirius grimaced and then groaned, any attempt at thoughts or movement only adding to the pounding in his head. And then he was smacked soundly on the back of the head, and his mind felt like it cracked open. He groaned when he was smacked again, trying to get away from the mean witch, and the next thing he knew he was lying on the floor. He covered his eyes with his arms. Everything was too bright.

"Evans, it's. It's not what it looks like," he forced out, remembering there was some very good reason he should deny how he had been caught.

"Looks like you two drank too much and then messed around."

"Okay, maybe the first part is." A slap followed the statement, and Sirius cursed. "Shit, that hurts!"

"You're a bastard, Sirius Black!"

"Why do you care!" Sirius growled back, wishing she'd just go away.

"And an idiot too!" the witch shouted before lowering her voice to a whisper. "I hope you know Remus saw you two," she hissed, and then shoes clicked away angrily.

Sirius's eyes popped open at that, and his thoughts became coherent much to his regret. He pushed himself up, shoving past a talking James, who looked like he felt, and then he was making his way up the stairs to their dorm. Remus. He had upset Remus. He hadn't meant to. He thought he and James were just having a laugh. At first at least.

Sirius walked into his dorm, the room obviously empty but for Remus's curtains pulled. He eyed the werewolf's bed and considered going over but then walked over to his own instead, he was still a little drunk. He climbed in and closed the curtains behind him. He pulled the blankets over his head to block out the light, his head pounding angrily and stomach a mess. He had messed up again. Shit.

* * *

 

"I hate you." Warm lips pressed to Sirius's mouth.

Sirius's eyes fluttered open when hands slid over his bare chest and then began to run down towards his stomach, waking up his body immediately, his sluggish mind struggling to catch up.

"I hate you both so much," was said, and then hands slid down further and began to work at Sirius's slacks.

Sirius blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to find Remus proceeding to pull his slacks off and none too nicely. "Remus?" he said, not sure if he was seeing right when the wizard then pulled off his pants over his feet, having dropped his slacks off the bed. Remus leaned over.

"Fu-uck," Sirius hissed when lips wrapped around him. "Remus, what. What are you doing?" he asked as the boy continued to move his mouth over him. He pushed himself into a sitting position and pulled the wizard's face carefully up. He met his gaze and noticed wet trails on his cheeks and his eyes were watery. "You're crying," he said softly, rubbing away the tears with his thumbs gently and then a hand hit him in the chest and pushed him back down.

"Don't touch me," Remus barked and then began to touch him instead with his hand, fingers wrapping around Sirius and sliding up and down. "Is this what you wanted last night, Sirius?" he asked harshly, surprising the dark-haired wizard. "If I had done this would you have been able to keep your hands off James?"

Sirius grabbed the wizard by the shoulders. "Remus, please. Stop. I'm sorry. It-it was just a stupid drinking accident."

Remus let go of him at that and moved over onto the bed beside him, his back turned to him as he wrapped his arms around his knees and dropped his head, whispering curses against his legs instead of responding.

Sirius sat up slowly and placed a hand carefully on his back, and then he felt the werewolf begin to shake under his touch. He swallowed hard. "I understand if you hate me," he said quietly, his words only making the shaking increase. "It didn't mean anything, we just kissed but nothing else happened," he whispered.

Remus sat up, wiping at his face. "You're lying. It always means something. Always," he said thickly, "Maybe not the reasons you'd think, but it does. Was it because you were lonely, or feeling neglected because I didn't go with you last night, or maybe because you're worried about something, or because you don't actually... actually..." Remus cut off and dipped his head again. He whispered after a long moment, "It hurt Sirius. Seeing you two like that and knowing, knowing what you did with him before. Just tell me why."

Sirius didn't say anything for a minute as he tried to piece the night together. "It was just a joke at first, and then it kind of wasn't, because he was all upset over Evans," he said weakly, "He needed me. It's James, Remus."

Remus nodded, his expression suddenly stony as he met his gaze. "And what about you? Did you need him too?"

Sirius looked at the upset sandy-blond, his heart clenching in his chest like a vice was tightening around it, and he thought it might just finish him off, and that it would be better that way. He had done this to him. "No. No I just need you."

Remus studied him, hazel eyes unreadable. "Is this something you guys are going to start doing, because Lily is probably not going to start dating James anytime soon."

Sirius shook his head. "No. It won't happen again. I promise."

Remus sat there for a long moment. "I really wish I could believe you." He lay down on Sirius's bed and closed his eyes. "Will you hug me?" he asked in a small voice that didn't really sound like Remus at all.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, of course," he said and settled down beside him. He wrapped an arm around him and placed an apologetic kiss on his neck, a feeling worse than he could ever imagine taking up residence in his chest. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Remus." And his breath caught in his throat. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I really didn't," he said, his eyes began to burn. Remus scooted closer, and he ran a hand over his hair, caressing it. "I love you." He pulled the silent wizard tighter. "I only want you," he said in a hitched voice.

A hand touched his cheek. and hazel eyes were suddenly on him.

"Sirius..." Remus said roughly, wiping at his cheek.

"I'm so sorry," he said again, and his breath caught in his chest. "I'm so sorry, Remus," he insisted, and then lips were on his, kissing him and then kissing his traitorous wet cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I'm such a fuck up."

Remus continued to pepper him with kisses, slowly shifting over top of him. "Don't say that, you're not," he said as his hands ran down Sirius's body, grasping his hips and squeezing a little too hard. "You just make mistakes."

Sirius leaned up and met his lips again, and then the werewolf was settling down on top of him in only his boxers as a bittersweet feeling whirled madly inside his chest, leaving little room for his aching heart. He grabbed hips and pushed up between parted legs, moaning at the feeling. "I love you, Remus. I just want to be with you. Only ever you," he promised, "No one else. Ever. No matter what."

"I love you too," Remus said, his hand on Sirius's chest over his heart, the organ pounding up against his ribs as if it was trying to break free. "I want you to take me."

Sirius stopped at that. "You do?"

Remus pulled his shirt over his head, messing sandy locks and revealing a tone torso, and nodded again. "Yes."

Sirius breathed heavily. It was a bad idea. He knew it had to be. "Why?"

Remus slid boxers down his hips and then over his feet, and then straddled him again. "Because I want to be with you, completely, I'm ready."

Sirius sucked in a breath as the werewolf settled over him, their bodies touching in a way he wasn't used to. He should stop this. "My drawer," he said instead, and Remus leaned forward, resting his upper body against Sirius's chest as he fumbled outside the curtains in the wizard's nightstand drawer before pulling back with a tube in his hand.

Remus eyed it. And then scooted back down onto Sirius's thighs, casting a silent spell on them both before opening it.

Sirius moaned, and his eyes fell shut as slick warm fingers began to run over him, coating him thoroughly. "Are you sure about this?" he asked in a rough voice, his hips thrusting up when Remus tightened his hold and stopped moving. He pushed up between fingers and then let himself lower back slowly. "Fuck, Remus," he hissed.

Remus's hand loosened and then the werewolf shifted up off his legs, and he said, "Look at me, Sirius."

Grey eyes opened slowly and met intense hazel ones as Remus held himself over him, his hand holding the wizard steady.

"I'm sure," he said and then lowered down, and Sirius groaned low and deep as the werewolf slowly began to envelop him, his insides melting and his mind stopping as he felt what had to be the best thing ever. Remus stopped and let out hitched breaths, Sirius's hands grasping his sides as he held perfectly still. "Hurts," he said through closed teeth.

Sirius nodded ever so slightly. "I know, I'm sorry," he said quietly as he was clenched too tightly. He let out a slow unsteady breath. "We can stop."

Remus shook his head jerkily and moved down further, hissing in a breath. "No, no I suffer much more every month, I'll get used to it," he said, and then lowered even further.

"Remus," Sirius moaned, his fingers caressing hips that he wanted to do ungodly things to, because he couldn't do anything else at that moment without worrying he might hurt the gasping sandy-blond, and then he cursed softly when the werewolf settled down all the way. "Remus, are you okay?"

Hazel eyes hid, Remus holding them firmly shut, not moving at all as he sat fully on top of the dark-haired wizard. "Yeah," he said unconvincingly. He let out a measured breath between pursed lips. "Yeah, I'm okay," and he began to relax a little.

Sirius looked up at the sandy-blond, and placed a hand over his chest, a wildly beating heart greeting him. "I love you Remus," he said softly, wishing that he could somehow deserve to feel that way towards the wizard on top of him.

Hazel eyes opened, and Remus met his gaze. "I love you too, Sirius," he said and then shifted his hips forward.

Sirius's eyelids dipped, and his fingers tightened on tone obliques, following the movement but not guiding. "How much?" he asked in a tight voice, "How much do you love me?"

Remus shook his head, his chin falling forward as he moved again over him, sandy locks hiding his eyes. "More than I should," he gasped out, his hands settling on Sirius's chest for leverage.

Sirius laughed roughly and then cursed as Remus lifted for the first time and then lowered back slowly, enveloping him tightly and making him feel like they were one person not two very different ones at that moment and that they would make it through anything together, because really there was no other option. He let out a tight breath, and his hand wrapped around Remus, and he began to match the werewolf's speed. He licked lips that were too dry. "S'feel any better?" he asked.

Remus nodded in short jerky movements, his tongue moving out and running over his own lips, teasing an already too worked up Sirius. "Yeah, yeah that's nice," he said as he continued to move over him. "Do you like it?"

Sirius groaned, the unsure words going straight to his over eager body member. "Best ever," he said with a small laugh.

And then Remus's eyes flashed open, sharp in their gaze before softening only a moment later with an incredulous laugh. Remus leaned down and kissed him on the chin. "I really do hate you sometimes."

Sirius quickly met his close lips with his own, and then slid his feet up so his knees were bent, and moaned against his mouth when it deepened their connection even further. He pushed up as the werewolf lowered, his hand speeding up a little as his body grew more excited. "M'sorry, Moony," he said and then grasped Remus's side tightly with one hand and held him still and began to push up into him not able to lie still anymore. "I just love you," he said in a rough voice.

Remus nodded, his eyes shut and mouth parted as Sirius moved in him and over him. "I know," he said, his words breathy and a little unhinged like he was coming undone, "I know Padfoot."

Sirius tilted his hips more forward and pushed up again, searching, and then grinning like an addict who had just gotten his next fix when the sandy-blond let loose a long groan, telling him he had found what he was looking for. He kept his angle, picking up his pace and working his persistent hand over the werewolf, who had abandoned talking or inhaling evidently over moaning. "Y-y'like that?" he asked teasingly, the words coming out too broken to have any effect.

"Fuck yes," Remus hissed, nodding and leaning forward, Sirius scooting his hips up more to accommodate as lips met his again with a fervent greeting.

He continued to move, his muscles burning and a certain body part screaming at him incoherently as he struggled to make Remus's first time good. And then Remus pulled back from the kiss, to lean his forehead on his and gasp against his mouth, shoving him closer and closer to the cliff he was desperately trying not to topple over first.

"Salazar, Remus, come for me," he groaned—And then Remus did just that.

"S-Sirius, yes, Siriuss," was whispered like a prayer across parted lips, and Sirius's body threw itself over the edge, chasing madly after the falling werewolf like it wanted to land first to soften his fall as he continued to thrust upwards, moaning the sandy-blond's name, his mind a euphoric playground he never wanted to leave.

 


	70. Chapter 70

"Oi.

"Padfoot.

"Hey Padfoot."

Sirius wiggled a quill between his index and middle finger as he watched Remus smiling, one Lily Evans giggling by his side. The two prefects sat two tables away on the third Friday night in March, an unwanted feeling of déjà vu pulling Sirius's dark eyebrows in a severe fashion.

"Sirius..."

The witch pinched Remus's cheek, causing a flush to run up the werewolf's neck, and Sirius growled, his quill suddenly doing double time as he glared daggers at the infuriating red-head. She needed to keep her bony fingers to herself before something terrible happened to them—

" _Sirius_!" was whispered harshly in the tall wizard's ear, a hiss of warm unwelcome air traveling along with it.

Lips pulled back to reveal clenched white teeth, and Sirius shoved his friend and his mouth away from him without looking over. "Stop it James, I can hear you _just_ fine."

"Then bloody answer me!" James said angrily, and when Sirius rolled his eyes he shoved the wizard's so-far-neglected transfiguration book off their table with an angry swipe.

Sirius turned slowly to glare at his friend. "Pick it up."

James lifted one eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "Make me."

Sirius clenched his teeth together even more tightly, barely holding back the sudden irritation that had shifted its focus and made him want to wrap his fingers rather firmly around his best friend's throat. "Pick it up _now_ , Potter, or I'll leave you to hang out with Pete from now on," he growled.

James returned his glare wholeheartedly for a long moment before letting out a slow sigh and relenting. He leaned over, muttering curses as he grabbed the book with a swiping hand, and dropped it with a _thump_ on the table in front of Sirius in the quiet library, earning him a few harsh looks from fellow fifth-years studying for upcoming Owls. He flicked up a certain defiant finger in their disapproving direction, earning him even darker looks before turning his attention back to Sirius, who had dropped his head to rest face down on his returned book. "What is wrong with you, Sirius? All you do anymore is moon over Remus."

Sirius shrugged as he stared at black font up close. Maybe he did. He didn't care. He'd had the best sex ever with Remus, and then woken up a few hours later to an empty space beside him; it hadn't even been warm. He closed his eyes. The werewolf wouldn't say there was anything wrong, no matter how many times Sirius had asked him over the past two weeks, but he really wasn't that talkative as of late. And his smiles were coming a little slower and less sure with each passing day—and he never touched Sirius anymore—not unless they were having sex. Sirius sighed, his breath bouncing back at him.

He just didn't understand, because they _were_ having sex, still, even though there was something clearly wrong. And so he was inclined to think it wasn't anything too important, but only because of the shagging. Because if someone were to ask Sirius he would say that Remus wasn't the type to engage in such intimate activities if there was something terribly off. And he did like having sex with Remus, a lot. He wasn't complaining, but he sorely missed their talks and the other touches - like when Remus would rub his head for him, or when he used to let Sirius lay his head in his lap or hold his hand under the table, or hug him at night as he fell asleep. And to be perfectly honest he was starting to get worried, because he had stopped telling him he loved him. Sirius moaned. He had turned into a bloody chick, fucking fantastic.

"Sirius, if you're tossing off-"

Sirius elbowed his friend, a satisfying groan filling the air. "Shut it, James, this is _all_ your fault."

" _Mine_?" James asked hotly and then sighed again and lowered his voice. "Listen, I did everything I could, Sirius, I _really_ did. I apologized, and I told him it was all my fault," he whispered, "that it wasn't you he should blame. I even offered him a free hit so long as he pulled it a little." James hummed and then added, "Well, a lot, but he's bloody strong you know."

Sirius refused to look at him, opting for his book's leather cover again. "He should have taken you up on it." He shooed his friend's hand away when he flicked him hard on the ear and added more morosely, "A lot of good it did anyway. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."

James snorted. "Is that what you call that? Because I wish Lily didn't want 'anything to do with me' then." Sirius groaned internally, well maybe externally, because then James added in a less mocking tone, "Just give it some time, mate, and stop staring at him, he'll come around."

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat up. Maybe James was right. After all he and Remus were still together, it could be worse. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he chanced a glance over to his table to meet hazel eyes unexpectedly. He swallowed, holding the gaze, willing his expression to look as pathetic as he felt and feeling no shame. Remus's own expression wavered somewhat, but for only a second, and then he jerked his gaze away and leaned over to point at something on the table in front of the witch.

Sirius leaned towards James, and caught a glimpse of a piece of parchment spread out in front of her. He frowned. It was a rather large piece of parchment and appeared to be blocked off into squares and rectangles from what he could tell. He nudged James in the ribs. "Hey, what are Remus and Evans working on, do you know?"

James pushed his elbow away as a matching frown began to form on his lips. "I don't know..." James leaned towards Sirius to peer at the space between the two prefects. "Are they sharing a piece of parchment?" and then, "Maybe a plot of rooms?"

Sirius craned his neck and pushed out of his seat slightly when Remus shifted in his chair to block his view more fully. Grey eyes narrowed when they came up empty. "Let's go see," he said and pushed himself up all the way, James following suit.

Sirius made his way over at a forced stroll's pace, stopping in front of the two Gryffindor prefects, James by his side. "Hello Moony," he greeted, "...Evans." The two black-haired wizards were met with scowls as Lily snatched up the parchment and pressed it against her chest.

"We're busy, Sirius," Remus said shortly, his expression bordering indifferent.

Sirius ignored the responding discomfort and slight anger at the dismissive words and spoke up in a nonchalant tone. "I see that, what are you two up to? Do you need any help?"

"No, and it's none of your business," Lily retorted sharply, holding the parchment more tightly against her blouse when James walked around to take the open seat by her.

Remus didn't say anything for a moment but then he met Sirius's gaze and said in a less obstinate voice, "Lily's just helping me with a personal project, we can hang out later."

Sirius nodded - but he didn't want to just hang out later, especially if he meant in his bed - so he took the seat across from Remus and slid his left hand casually across the cool surface of the table and toward the werewolf's resting hand. He skated his index across the tips of the werewolf's fingers in a soft gesture. "Why didn't you sit with me today?" he asked, grey eyes pleading for an explanation that would put at least some of his worries to rest. He just wanted things to go back to how they used to be, before he had snogged James in a drunken stupor. He rested his hand overtop Remus's, not caring about the curious looks he was drawing from a group of seventh year Ravenclaws a table over. He gave his hand a squeeze. "I saved you a seat."

Remus pulled his hand away gently. "I didn't want to distract you, you had James, no big deal. I told you, we can hang out later."

Sirius blinked. He pulled his hand back to his side of the table, something shifting and making him say a little more coolly, "What about tomorrow?"

Remus looked up, sandy eyebrows furrowing. "What about tomorrow?"

Sirius studied the werewolf. "Are you going to sit with me tomorrow?" he asked, his voice growing noticeably tense if James's sudden attention was any indicator. "Because you haven't sat with me for two weeks, Remus." He leaned forward a little, his hands gripping the edge of the table. "Two bloody weeks I've been coming to the library, trying to spend time with you, and you haven't sat with me _once_."

"Sirius..."

Sirius ignored James, his gaze hardening on his suddenly uncomfortable-looking boyfriend. "So _tell me_ , are you going to sit with me tomorrow?"

"I don't know, Sirius, let me think about it," Remus said quickly and then started to push away from the table, but Sirius's hand darted out and grabbed hold of his wrist.

Sirius looked up at the surprised werewolf. "It's a simple question, Remus. I want an answer."

Dark hazel eyes met his, and for a second Sirius felt a jolt of excitement that made him want to lean forward and meet the werewolf's lips and then his neck and touch him—

"No."

Sirius's hand loosened. "What?"

"No, the answer's _no_ ," Remus said firmly and then pulled his arm away. "I'll see you later, Lily."

Sirius's jaw flexed, and he pushed himself up, ignoring James as he followed after the sandy blond, who was making for the exit to the library. Once the door had shut behind them, Remus spun around, his expression hard.

"Don't follow me Sirius, can't you see I want to be alone?" He turned away, not waiting for a response.

Sirius grabbed his wrist from behind and pulled him back around, pushing him back the few steps it took to trap him against the wall as students passed by, his quickly rising chest pressing against Remus's, and he stared down into wild hazel eyes. "Remus, _please_ , just talk to me," he said. And for a moment he thought he would, but then the werewolf looked away.

"Sirius, you're making a scene," Remus said quietly, not pulling away but not responding to Sirius's touch either, so the wizard grabbed his other wrist and pressed them both up against the wall on either side of sandy locks, pinning him against it, grey eyes sliding down to focus on tempting lips.

"I don't care," Sirius said and then he dipped his head to hover his lips just inches from Remus's. "I don't care what they think. I only care about you," he said softly, his heart thudding in his chest, agreeing with him, and then he added as he leaned in slightly closer, "I said I was sorry, what more can I do?"

Remus turned his head, leaving Sirius's lips pointed at his right cheek as he let out an unsteady breath. "Sirius, let me go," he said quietly, tensely.

"But I _miss_ you." Sirius moved closer, his lips almost resting on the werewolf's ear as he whispered, "I love you so much. Do you still love me?"

Remus let out a sharp breath, and his palms landed flat on Sirius's chest as if he were considering shoving him away, Sirius's hands still wrapped firmly around his wrists. "Sirius, why would you ask that?"

Sirius swallowed hard around the sudden lump in his throat as he looked into hurting hazel eyes. He hadn't answered him. "Do you?" he asked, his chest aching, "Do you, Remus?"

Remus pressed his lips together and then said softly, "Are you doing okay? You seem a little off today."

Sirius closed his eyes as he tried to think, tried to keep himself together, as he realized unwillingly why the werewolf was refusing to answer his question. He was a fool, no one could love him, not really. "Remus, if you want to break things off, we can," he almost whispered, his hands slowly loosing their grip on wrists that he adored and dropping to his sides in bitter acquiescence. He took a step back and looked down. "If you're just worried about me, I'll be fine."

"Sirius..."

The wizard took another step back and shoved his hands into his pockets when they wanted to reach out for the werewolf again, ignoring the intensifying pressure in his chest that made it feel like he just might explode. "Just tell me if that's what you want," he said quietly, "I don't want to be strung along."

"I'm sorry," Remus said, his tone suddenly sharp, " _You_ don't want to be strung along?"

Sirius didn't look up. "Yeah, so just be straight with me." He waited for a response, looking up when he received none. Remus was staring at him in a way that made him feel like he had just kissed James all over again, and an apology moved to escape his lips, but he held it in. He had apologized too many times to count, it wasn't what Remus wanted.

Remus finally let out a dry laugh and shook his head. "You're just unbelievable, you know that?"

Sirius clenched his hands inside his pockets. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus let out an even drier laugh and took a step forward, his jaw set and eyes swimming in some intense emotion. He spoke in a private voice, " _You_ are the one who cheated on _me_ , Sirius. With James no less." His expression grew darker. "And after all those promises. I should have known better, I _should_ have. But I was stupid and thought I was different somehow."

Sirius looked around them as the hall began to clear, the warning bell ringing through the halls and ushering away their audience. "You _are_ different, Remus. I've told you, it was just an accident—"

" _Stop_ saying that," Remus said, cutting him off. "I saw you two, that night in the common room, I _saw_ you."

Sirius's mouth opened, but no words came out.

Remus shook his head as if he were chastising himself. "I saw you two, and I _should_ have ended things then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

Sirius felt like his insides were all twisting around themselves, and he struggled to recall the night. It hadn't seemed so bad to himself. "Then you heard me turn him down," he said more softly, a tinge of hopefulness bleeding into his words.

Remus shook his head before saying, "Maybe, but I didn't see it, all I saw was you groaning while James kissed you and then..." he stopped, closing his eyes for a second. "If James hadn't given up, you would have done more. I know it."

The words rung true in Sirius's addled mind, and he took a small step back, an agitated breath escaping his lips as he ran a hand up into his hair, a feeling of confusion forcing out the words, "What do you want from me, Remus?"

Remus let out a quiet laugh, the sound anything but happy. "To feel loved, Sirius. It's all I've ever wanted."

Sirius nodded, quiet grey eyes shifting to meet glassy hazel ones. "And you don't, you don't feel that way with me?"

Remus stared back at him for a long moment and then shook his head ever so slightly.

Sirius nodded again, the movement almost imperceptible, pain lancing through his chest and making him feel like he might make a fool of himself right there in the hallway. He wanted to beg the wizard to give him another chance, to tell him that he felt wrong, because he _did_ love him, so much it hurt, that he was just shitty at expressing it and he'd never loved anyone before, and he didn't really know what he was doing or thinking, but that he did know he couldn't imagine being happy again without him after knowing what it felt like to be with him, to hold him, to hear him say that he loved him.

Sirius felt the clenching tighten and swallowed back the pleas. He made Remus unhappy, that was all that mattered. He blinked rapidly a few times as he tugged at black locks. He shouldn't be surprised, but he was, or else it wouldn't hurt so much he was sure. "All right..." he said, his voice rough, "I'll make it easy on you then." He cleared his throat and didn't meet the wizard's eyes as he walked by, saying regretfully, "I hope you find someone better, you deserve it."

Sirius trailed down the hallway, his thoughts a littered minefield as he struggled to keep himself composed, not turning back when Remus called out his name, because it was riddled with guilt, and he didn't want Remus's sympathy, he just wanted him. And Remus would be better off without him.


	71. Chapter 71

"Fuck." Sirius slammed his bloodied fist into the wall beside his bed, where his mirror once had been, before it had ended up in shards on the floor. He hated it. He hated the stupid fucking wall too, with its stupid tan hue, and the stupid magic embedded in it that was currently padding his hits somehow. And he hated the stupid dorm that it housed. And he hated the stupid people who lived inside it, including himself, especially himself, because he had been stupid. _So fucking stupid_. And he had lost everything because of it, he had lost Remus.

"Fuck, fuck, _fuck._ " He growled and slammed his fist into the wall again, harder, his hand finally giving under the heavy wall, and a sickening pain exploded up his arm. He clenched his jaw and bore the pain, because it felt better this way. He didn't want to think about anything else, he didn't want to think about—" _Fuck_!" He lifted his numbing hand and landed another heavy hit.

A door opened loudly behind him, and he swung again. "Sirius, stop! Sirius, Sirius, calm down!" And then restraining hands were wrapping around his shoulders, and he tried to jerk away.

"Get the fuck off James! I'm busy!" He let out an angry shout when stubborn arms tightened around him, pulling him back and away from the wall he had been hitting, his shoes crunching over broken glass. He tried to kick his friend in the leg, his arms pinned, but barely clipped his shin. "I said, let me go, _Potter_!"

"Sirius! It's okay! _Calm down_!"

"It's not okay! It's _not_ bloody _okay_!" Sirius roared, and tried one last time to break free of his friend's grasp, almost getting loose when determined arms readjusted and tightened even more securely. He let out an enraged noise of protest and after one last surge of fruitless energy his body suddenly gave up on him, his own muscles betraying him, and he sagged against his friend pathetically, heaving for air. He was weak, pathetic.

"It's okay, Padfoot," James said around his own heavy breaths, "It'll be okay."

"It won't," Sirius said, his words as raw as his chest that felt painfully hollow and far too big, because his heart had been torn out and stomped on and left somewhere. Wherever Remus was. His shoulders began to shake, and he laughed, the sound brittle to his own ears. "It won't. Remus doesn't want me. He said so. He said he doesn't want me anymore."

James's arms loosened to slide up, and then his friend's hold felt more like a hug. "I'm sorry," he said, and Sirius felt his chest heave again but not to laugh, and he turned around and buried his face in his best friend's shoulder, feeling ashamed and worthless and just mostly unwanted, when he didn't want to feel anything at all. A hand slipped around his shoulders and the other ran up his neck to cup the back of his head. "I'm so sorry, Sirius, I'm so sorry."

Sirius shook his head, his face still hidden. "I don't know what I'll do without him, James. I - I can't do this. I told him I'd be okay. But I won't," he said, and his shoulders shook again. "I won't be okay. I _need_ him, I need him so much. I love him."

James pulled him even closer, hushing him, not saying anything for a long moment. But when he spoke, his words were determined, if not a little shaky. "I know, Pads. But I'll be here for you, for all of it, I'm not going anywhere. I'll help you get through it."

"I don't think I will." Sirius clenched his burning eyes shut tightly, wishing it was enough, his hand throbbing and head pounding and thoughts racing, unbearable pain coursing through his chest making him want to scream, because it felt like one was trapped inside him every time he fucking breathed. If this was what being in love did, then he hated it. It was miserable. He was miserable. "It hurts, Prongs," he said, his words broken, "It hurts so - _so_ fucking much."

"I know," James said - a whisper of the grief Sirius felt, echoing in his own words - and he ran a hand soothingly over his head, "I know, Padfoot."

* * *

 

Sirius woke with a start, he blinked, and then groaned. His eyes felt like shit. He rolled over and dropped his face into his pillow and whispered a groan again, because he remembered why he felt like shit.

He sucked in a breath, but stopped halfway when the scent was off. He lifted his head cautiously and looked around to find Quidditch-themed sheets and a Gryffindor red comforter. He was in James's bed. He rolled onto his back, the sound of people moving around quietly outside the curtains reaching his ears as he took in a silent breath, and he remembered why he had woken up. He had heard voices.

"I said I _don't_ want to talk about it, James."

"What the fuck Remus! You can't just do this to him, he's not doing well you know, you should have seen him last night. I had to get Evans up here to heal his hands after he'd fallen asleep, he'd messed them up so much."

Sirius blinked.

"And what am I supposed to do about that? Take him back, because he's not doing well?" Remus asked, incredulity dousing his every word. "That's not how it works."

Sirius closed his eyes.

"That's not what I fucking mean, Lupin, and you know that. You don't always have to be such a cold heartless asshole you know, Sirius doesn't like me, he never has!"

A weighted silence followed the statement - and then Remus spoke up in a cold voice, one that Sirius had never heard him use in his presence. "I know, that's why I did it."

Sirius resisted sitting up, not wanting Remus's keen hearing to pick up on the movement, because he really didn't want to face him at that moment.

" _What_?" James asked, sounding just as surprised as Sirius.

"Sirius did that with you, and he doesn't even like you. Your words, not mine. He's not ready for a relationship, James. He and I, it would have never lasted, I'm doing him a favor by ending it now."

"Bullshit."

Sirius's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said _bullshit_. You can't know that. He was as committed to you as Sirius is capable of. Yeah, he's not perfect, but if you thought he was going to be, then you're a _fucking idiot_."

" _James_ -"

"No. No, I don't want to hear what you have to say. You accepted him, knowing how he was, his - his _issues_ , and then you just drop him as soon as you get scared. Sirius deserves better than you."

Sirius lay quietly, his heart pounding and his eyes darting around the space. He steeled himself, pushed up and pulled the curtains back to be met by two sets of intense hazel eyes. He smiled, hiding the weakness behind it, and stood up. He ran a hand up into his hair and smoothed long black bangs down, trying to hide his eyes. "Morning guys, maybe next time you could take your bloody bird fight outside, yeah?" he asked with a laugh, and looked away when Remus's expression softened. He walked over to his own bed.

"Sirius..."

"Yeah James?" he asked, leaning over his trunk and pulling out a shirt and pair of slacks. He just needed to keep it together, he could feel himself trying to slip with Remus so close by. He looked over when James didn't say anything.

"I'll wait for you for breakfast," he said simply.

Sirius huffed a laugh, the action making the ache in his chest grow. "Yeah, okay Prongs." He stood up and forced his legs to walk by a stone-quiet Remus and as he passed he said softly, "Morning Remus," and then walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He made his way over to the closest shower, hanging his clothes on a rack before stripping himself of his sleeping pants and turned the water on hot, stepping under it and letting the scalding water distract him from the emotions once more trying to burn him from the inside.


	72. Chapter 72

"Coming down for dinner?"

Sirius didn't open his eyes to mumble a nearly indecipherable, "Not hungry."

"Really? Not even a little? You didn't eat lunch either."

"Big breakfast," Sirius said and rolled onto his side, wishing James would leave already. He didn't want company. At least not his. He had made it through classes, skipped lunch to smoke cigarettes on the Astronomy Tower, got into a nasty hexing match with Snape on his way back to the dorm that'd left the Slytherin worse off than him, and now he wanted to be left alone. He pulled his blanket over his shoulder, ignoring the sigh from his best friend. He could sod off, he wasn't going to starve from missing two fucking meals.

"Do you want me to bring you something back?"

"Yeah. A bottle of firewhiskey and some fags."

"Si-"

"Fuck off, James." Sirius refused to look over his shoulder and meet the undoubtedly worried gaze of his friend. He was fine. "Just fuck off."

"All right," James said hesitantly and then, "We'll be back soon."

"Okay Mum."

* * *

 

"I, uh, I brought you something."

Sirius's chest constricted. He refused to roll over. Shit. Shit. _Shit_.

"Potatoes and chicken, your favorite, house elves sent it up extra..."

Sirius refused to speak. He couldn't. If he did, he'd just end up begging Remus to take him back. Why had James let him bring his food? He would pay dearly, he would-

"Sirius... Can, can I talk to you for a minute?"

He swallowed hard, not answering right away. What could he have to say? That he was sorry, or that he wanted to still be friends? "No." He heard a soft clang as Remus undoubtedly set his plate on his nightstand, and then he felt the bed shift beside him, and his heart leapt into his throat. Because, Remus was in his bed, and he wished he'd never asked the wizard what was wrong the day before, because then they'd still be together. He held himself completely still, not trusting his muscles to behave if he moved.

"Sirius..." Remus started, and when Sirius didn't respond verbally or physically he continued, his voice sounding pained and causing Sirius's resolve to begin to waver, mocking its weakness. "I'm really sorry, about what happened. I didn't want things to end up like this between us," he said quietly.

Sirius's eyes darted to the corners of his vision, just catching a glimpse of Remus's hands as he sat down by his legs, the wizard clenching and unclenching his fingers in his lap.

"This is hard for me too, you know," he said, when Sirius still didn't respond, his words sounding almost like a plea.

Sirius's chest rushed with an unpleasant feeling, and he fought the impulse to try to comfort him. He wouldn't even know how to now. Now that they weren't together anymore. Because he was pretty sure even friendly touches wouldn't be welcomed at the moment. He let out a slow breath, trying to keep his heart from speeding up.

"I just. You're the one who suggested breaking up," Remus said.

And Sirius rolled over, meeting pained hazel eyes with dulled grey ones. "You still want to be with me?" he asked without a shred of hope to lift his voice.

Remus's expression dropped further, and Sirius's lips pushed up but it wasn't a smile. "That's what I thought."

Remus closed his eyes. "You're not being fair. Sirius, you cheated on me, what did you think was going to happen?"

Sirius pushed himself up slowly until he was sitting, facing him. "I don't know, what did Diggory do every time you cheated on him?"

Hazel eyes flashed open, and Sirius almost felt bad for his words when he saw the damage he had inflicted.

"It's not the same. It's not the same at all, and you know that," Remus said, his words insistent and a little shaky.

Sirius scoffed, "Why, because it happened to you this time?"

Remus growled, and Sirius's eyes widened a little. " _Fuck you_ , Sirius." He grabbed for the curtains, and Sirius's hand shot out, grabbing his sleeve.

"Wait, tell me how it's different."

Remus spoke, his words cold, and seeping into Sirius's chest. "Because I loved you, I loved you, and you said you loved me. You said _only_ me, _remember_?"

Sirius's hand dropped at the words. Loved. He had loved Sirius. "It was just James," he said, "if I had known this would happen, I would've stopped him."

Remus blinked. "What did you think would happen?" He paused. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?" he asked harshly, "Did you think I wouldn't care?" His voice grew louder. "Or did you just think, I'd let it go, like I let _everything_ go with you?"

"No," Sirius said sharply, "I thought you loved me as much as I loved you."

Remus moved closer, jaw clenched, eyes flashing. "Don't ever say that. Don't ever say that you care about me more. You can't know that, you can't know how I feel."

Sirius held back a frustrated growl of his own. "I know! You don't bloody tell me anything, Remus! So tell me."

"All right," Remus said quietly, "You want me to tell you how I feel?"

Sirius nodded, ignoring the hesitant feeling trying to hold back the motion.

"All right then... When I saw you and James,"—Remus closed his eyes—"I felt like someone had stabbed me - in the chest," he said, his words angry but swimming in pain. "I wanted to go down and beat the _shit_ out of James and yell at you. Because, I could tell you weren't encouraging it, but you _still_ let him snog you."

"Why didn't you then?" Sirius asked, his tone matching Remus's. "Maybe if you had, we wouldn't be here. Maybe if you were more upfront with me-"

"This _isn't_ my fault." Remus laughed, the sound not the least amused. "And no. No if I had done that, I would have lost you for sure. I'm not an idiot, Sirius."

Sirius blinked, and dark eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

"James, Sirius," Remus said, as if he were being dense, "I'm talking about _James_. He's your best friend."

Sirius didn't respond at first but finally forced out the pained words, "You're my best friend too, Remus," because he wasn't so sure if it was true anymore, but he hoped it was.

"No I'm not." Remus shook his head adamantly. "You and I, we're, I don't know, but we're different, I know that. It's not the same. I've never thought, ever, for even a second, that you and James wouldn't be best friends. But you and I, I've worried we might never talk again, many times."

Sirius reached out a hand. "That'll never happen, Remus."

Remus laughed, the sound bitter, not seeming to notice the hand on his shoulder. "You say that, but it's just wishful thinking. You like to think the best, but it doesn't make it true."

Sirius resisted shifting closer. "Remus, you and I will _always_ be friends."

Remus looked at him, his gaze level. "Even if we never get back together? Even if I meet someone else?"

Sirius's jaw clenched, and his hand fell away. He said nothing.

"That's what I thought," Remus said, his tone matching his words.

Sirius felt like he was suffocating. "Just. Just give me a second." He closed his eyes. Remus wanted to be with someone else? No, no, that's not what he'd said, but he would. At some point he would.

The pain inside him grew, and he tried to hold it in. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't. But it didn't really help.

"Sirius?"

A hand reached out, and he pulled away. "I. I'm sorry Remus. You're right. I can't."

Silence hung between them.

"You can't." Remus parroted, his voice void of emotion, mechanical almost.

And Sirius shook his head. "No. You were right. You're always right." He laughed. "I can't be friends with you, not anymore."

"You... You're not even going to try?" Remus asked, his words a little uneven. "You've not even _tried_... You've not even _bloody_ tried, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head, his hand in his hair, tugging. "I'm sorry." He looked up slowly, and his heart felt like it was crushed, Remus's expression worse than before his transformations. "It's better this way," he said weakly.

Remus nodded. "Yeah. Yeah better," he said, his words sounding hollow and not the least convinced. He blinked a few times, and his expression suddenly shifted. "I, Sirius, what if I took you back?"

Sirius swallowed hard. He scooted closer. "Take me back...?"

Remus nodded jerkily. "Yeah, would you say yes?"

Sirius fought the urge to kiss him. "You would take me back?"

Remus looked down, not meeting his gaze. "I would. I can't. I can't lose you completely... I don't want to break up, I don't, I was wrong."

Sirius's breath caught in his throat, and he reached a hand out, touching the wizard's chin and lifting it to meet his eyes. " _Remus_..." And then he stopped. Because Remus didn't look happy at all, he just looked scared.

Sirius realized something then about himself.

He was a selfish bastard.

"I can't," he said simply, hating himself more than he thought possible, and then he wrapped his arms around the werewolf and pulled him close when he tried to leave, his chest aching as he hugged his no longer boyfriend, his friend. "I won't leave you, even if we're only ever friends, Remus, and you meet someone, I promise I won't. No matter what. I might say I'm going to, and I might for a while. But I'll always come back, I promise."

Remus let Sirius pull him closer, and Sirius found him laying with Remus in front of him, his arms wrapped around him. "I never wanted this to happen, Sirius," he said, his words pained, "you have to know that."

Sirius buried his face in the back of his friend's shirt. He didn't respond. He breathed in deeply and tried to let the scent calm him, but all he could think of was that it might be the last time he let him hold him. Sirius closed his eyes. "Will you stay tonight?" he asked quietly and then waited.

"Yeah. Tonight."

* * *

 

Sirius walked along the dungeons one week later, hands stuffed in his pockets and tired grey eyes directed at the floor. He scuffed the toe of his right shoe with each step along the stone as he took his time, not noticing the extra cold air as he walked in a pair of slacks and white shirt, collar up, and sleeves pushed to his elbows, tie undone and dangling messily around his neck. He wasn't in a hurry, Goyle could wait.

"Sirius, hey. What are you doing down here?"

Sirius looked up to meet chocolate-colored eyes. "Hey Zabini," he said with a forced smile at the always sharply dressed wizard approaching him, "just meeting up with Goyle."

The wizard stopped a few feet away, his bag hanging across his wide chest. His lips tightened ever so slightly, and then he glanced around the empty hallway. "Oh, uh, Jonathan is serving detention right now, you'll be waiting a while."

"Ah, good to know." Sirius nodded, holding back his look of disappointment. That would put a damper on his and James's plans for the night.

"Yeah, so what are you up to tonight?"

Sirius shrugged, pushing his hands further in his slacks' pockets. "Not much. You?"

Greg ran a hand over his short hair. "Oh, nothing. Just planning on studying for Owls some."

Sirius nodded, looking down at his shoes. "Right." He heard the wizard clear his throat.

"Where's Remus?"

Sirius's chin lifted slowly, and grey eyes darkened. "How the fuck should I know?"

Greg's eyebrows shot up. He studied Sirius for a moment and then said in a more careful voice, "Are you two fighting?"

Sirius laughed, loudly. Fighting. If only. They were getting along well enough, and it felt like shit, because it didn't feel real and it wasn't nearly enough. Talking to him civilly but not being able to touch him, not even how he had before they'd dated. And they weren't close like they had been, he was lonely, hanging off James whenever he could, except for when his best friend would carefully nudge him away a little, asking how he was holding up, and Sirius would realize that he was being a pathetic needy bastard. He laughed again, and a hand settled on his forearm.

"Sirius, you okay?"

Sirius shook his head and moved a step back, Greg's hand dropping. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm great," he lied. "Remus and I aren't together anymore though," he said, and he cursed internally when his own words stung him so sharply.

"I'm sorry," he said to which Sirius shrugged. Greg looked around the still empty hallway and then said, "Jonathan really will be a while, if you're planning on waiting. A few hours at least, he and Vincent got caught hexing some third year Gryffindors after dinner, used some rather nasty hexes."

Sirius grimaced at that. Goyle was an asshole, he felt a little bad having anything to do with him, even if it was just to get more firewhiskey and cigarettes because he and James were all out.

"Do you want to go to the library with me?"

Sirius looked over in surprise. "Ah..." He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he thought the offer over. Remus didn't like Greg. He probably shouldn't. But then again, he was pretty sure that was because they had dated, and Remus didn't want to be with him anymore. And he wasn't friends with people according to what James or Peter thought. He ran a hand up into his hair. "Yeah, okay, you meeting up with Parkinson?"

Greg let out a laugh and shook his head. "Nah, we broke up again. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking."

Sirius grinned a little at that, his hand dropping. "You go through witches pretty quickly, Zabini."

Greg returned the expression and patted him on the shoulder, the two wizards turning back towards the stairway. "What can I say, I have very high standards."

Sirius let out a laugh, feeling a little better than he had all week.

* * *

 

"You and Zabini, eh?"

Sirius didn't look up from the transfiguration homework he had neglected until the morning it was due. Only two more inches. He hummed in a noncommittal fashion as he dipped his quill and then began to write again. He and Greg weren't back together. Not even close. But he did like his company, because he wasn't friends with Remus, and he never brought him up, and he wasn't always thinking of him when they were together.

Not that James and Peter hadn't done their best. Because James was clearly trying really hard, he was quiet about Remus and didn't push Sirius about him - but he was constantly watching Sirius like he was waiting for him to implode or something - and it put him on edge. And Peter continually looked like he had just pissed himself whenever Sirius would meet his gaze for whatever reason.

"You think that's a good idea?"

Sirius sighed as he continued to write, only one more to go. "I'm busy, Prongs," he said in a bored tone, hoping he'd take the hint and leave it alone.

James sat down on his bed, the mattress dipping and shifting and making Sirius have to lift his quill to keep from smudging his work. "Sirius, I know things have been hard... that you've been upset lately."

Sirius snorted and continued to write, almost finished. "Nothing gets past you, James," he said and then punctuated his final sentence with a period. He placed the quill on his nightstand in its holder and lay the parchment still open beside it to let it dry, too lazy to cast a drying spell. He leaned back on his pillow, hands behind his head and relaxed. Twenty minutes to spare.

"I just mean, if you want to talk about it—"

"I don't," Sirius said and closed his eyes. He felt the bed shift again as James lay down beside him, his entire side pressing against his. "This bed is getting a little too small for friendly sharing," he said with a half grin.

James laughed. "Yeah, it kind of is. You ready for Owls?"

"Yeah, I've been studying with Zabini," he said quietly.

"Ah." James cleared his throat. "So you two..."

"No."

"Really, because if you—"

"I said no."

"Because if you _were_ ," James said with a pointed tone so Sirius wouldn't interrupt him. "I wouldn't care, and I wouldn't tell Remus if you didn't want me to, you know that right?"

Sirius opened his eyes and looked over at his best friend. "I'd tell you if we were, we're not."

James nodded and then looked up at the ceiling. "Why not?"

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh. "Why not?"

James shrugged. "Yeah, I mean. You seem a little more upbeat after you go off with him, and you've been single a while now."

Sirius laughed again. "A month. How long have you been single, Prongs?"

"No I know. But I'm okay with being alone..." James shot him a worried glance.

Sirius sighed. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind, but it just hasn't happened yet."

James quirked his lips to the side. "You mean you're waiting for Greg to make a pass, like a bird or something?"

Sirius and James lay quietly for a second and then they both started laughing. Sirius turned his head to meet mischevious hazel eyes. "You're a fucking bastard."

James's smile grew. "Yeah, maybe." He sniffed and lifted a hand to scrub at wild black locks. "I just want you to be happy again. You've been down, since... Well, for a while now."

Sirius closed his eyes again. "Yeah, where's Peter?" he asked carefully.

"He and Moony are getting breakfast."

Sirius didn't respond.

"He feels pretty bad, you know."

Sirius still didn't respond. A tightness growing in his chest.

"He looks like shit, too."

Sirius turned grey eyes on his best friend. "What do you mean?"

James shot him an unsure look and then let out a heavy breath before saying, "I just mean, he looks tired all the time, and he's looking worse already, and the full is still a week away. Haven't you noticed at all?"

Sirius blinked a few times. He hadn't noticed, but it was hard to notice anything when he made every effort he could to avoid the wizard. "What am I supposed to do about it?"

James sighed. "I'm not saying you should do anything. I'm just saying, he's not taking it well either. You two, y'know."

Sirius swallowed hard, the tension turning into more of an ache in his chest, and not nearly as dull as it should be. "That's great to know. Thanks Prongs," he said dryly and a little bitter. He shouldn't care. Remus hadn't checked on him after all. He didn't care. He and Remus weren't even friends anymore. Not really. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his face. "You should hang out with him more, make sure he's doing okay," he said.

James hummed. "I don't know about that, mate, Remus and I, we don't really get along anymore."

Sirius looked over. "Why's that?"

James let out a sharp laugh. "I think you know why."

"You should apologize," Sirius said.

"I have," James said emphatically. "And to be perfectly honest, I think Remus would just rather hang out with Lily." James shifted around. "I've been meaning to ask, do you want to come to mine this summer?"

Sirius began to worry the inside of his lip with sharp canines. Summer, it was coming up quickly, too quickly. "I'll ask."

"Great," James said, his tone genuine. He was silent for a long moment and then he spoke up, his voice suddenly quiet, an uncharacteristically tense edge to it, "I'm really sorry, Padfoot - to you too, I mean - you know that, right?"

Sirius closed his eyes, his chest aching unwillingly. "Yeah, I know Prongs."


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I have moved up the flashback scene Harry witnessed from Snape's bad memories, because I just couldn't see James doing it after the 'Snape Incident.' I'm not going to show it though to avoid redundancy, but it does occur between the second and third scenes.

Sirius stood in Potions class the next day, smothered laughter shaking the chest of the Slytherin beside him. He glanced up at Slughorn, who was at the front of the room shuffling through a messy pile of parchment on his desk, and then back to Greg, a smile playing at his lips. "Come on, Zabini, you know you'd shag him."

Greg shook his head and continued to stir the bluish-green potion in their cauldron. "You're a bloody deviant, Black."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, earning him a scowl from Evans, who was standing beside Snape to the left and two tables in front of them. He pointedly avoided the table behind her, where Remus stood. "Then who? Who does your cock fancy at the moment, Lily Evans maybe?" Sirius whispered with a grin, shifting closer to the wizard to slide the Slytherin's potions book over to in front of him, having forgotten his own, checking to make sure they were finished. "Although you'd have to go through James to get to her, and he fights dirty," he said as he ran a finger over the text.

"No. Actually, I think I've had enough witches lately," Greg said in a private voice, brown eyes flicking over to Sirius as he shifted closer. "I was thinking a wizard maybe."

Sirius's grin grew. "Yeah? So... James then?"

Greg chuckled and shook his head. "Is Potter swinging both ways now? I remember you two snogging at my party now that you mention it, is that what that was about?"

Sirius ignored the discomfort at the mentioned event, and he leaned in to whisper in his partner's ear. "No, I'm just a sexy bastard."

Greg laughed at that, and chocolate eyes met close grey ones. "Yeah, you are."

Sirius's tongue flicked out to wet his lips. "You saying something, Zabini?"

Greg shrugged. "Maybe. Would you be interested?"

Sirius found himself nodding. "Yeah, I think I would."

* * *

Sirius whistled as he strolled down a library aisle later that day on his way to the back and the restricted section, feeling in relatively high spirits for the first time in over a month. Greg had asked him to meet him there after dinner, saying he needed help getting a book - which Sirius was hoping meant he needed help getting off - because he definitely did. He turned the corner, leaving the Muggle Studies section and his train of thought died. "Remus?"

His roommate sat on the floor, knees pulled towards his chest, arms wrapped around his legs and head resting, his bookbag still closed and lying beside him. He didn't respond.

Sirius walked closer, leaning over slightly to peer at the wizard, his hazel eyes open but staring down at the space between his legs. "You okay, Remus?"

Remus nodded, not lifting his head or shifting his vision to respond.

Dark eyebrows furrowed, and Sirius took the spot on the floor beside the werewolf, leaving little more than a foot between them. "You sure? You don't look so good."

Remus let out a heavy breath, and his head shifted ever so slightly to the side, hazel eyes looking greener than usual with purple skin underneath contrasting them. He sniffed. "Yeah, just feeling a little down 'cause of the full," he said, his voice monotone and making Sirius shift closer.

Sirius glanced around to make sure there was no one in hearing distance and then spoke in a hushed voice. "Do y'want me to help you to the dorm, so you can lie down?"

Remus's eyes closed slowly, and his head rolled back to facing down. "No, I'm fine here."

Sirius sat quietly for a moment and then reached out a hesitant hand, placing it carefully on Remus's back, and the wizard stiffened under the touch. He swallowed hard and kept his hand there. "Are you sure? I don't mind."

Remus mumbled a 'no' and buried his face deeper before saying, "You can go. Aren't you meeting up with Zabini?"

Sirius felt his chest tug uncomfortably, and he carefully lifted his hand from Remus's back. "Yeah, but it can wait."

Remus's chest shook, but the sound that accompanied it only vaguely resembled a laugh. Remus turned his head to look at him again, still leaning on his legs. "It's okay, I'm not upset," he said, but Sirius couldn't help but feel like he was lying. "I knew you'd date again, no big deal."

Sirius ran a hand up into his hair. He didn't know what to say. "Greg and I aren't dating."

Remus's lips turned up but hazel eyes remained lifeless. "Well, shagging then."

Sirius shook his head. "We've not done that either."

"But you will."

Sirius looked away. "Sorry," he mumbled, because he didn't want to lie; he'd messed up enough with the wizard.

Remus let out a heavy sigh and then scooted closer and leaned against him, laying his head on Sirius's shoulder and surprising him. "Don't be, just ignore me, I'm in a rotten mood."

And Sirius's arm wrapped around Remus, pulling him tight. "I'm sorry you don't feel well."

Remus laughed again, the sound weak. "Yeah, me too."

Sirius sat with his arm wrapped around Remus, the werewolf leaning against him heavily, his chest rising and falling slowly, Sirius's slowing to match. "You want to lay in my lap?"

"What?"

Sirius cleared his throat. "I know I've used yours as a pillow enough times, go for it," he said and then watched as Remus carefully lowered himself to rest his head in his lap, an arm wrapping around his leg and making the wizard feel like he was almost being hugged. He lifted a hand and ran fingers through sandy blond locks, his eyes falling shut and head tilting back to rest on the wall as a soft sigh left Remus's lips.

"Thanks Sirius."

"No problem, Remus."

* * *

"You're coming on Thursday, right?" Sirius asked as he walked the next day beside a speed-walking James, his friend's usually light-hearted expression missing and a stormy one gracing his features instead for the second day in a row. "James," he said, reaching out and grabbing his best friend's sleeve, "you're coming, right?"

James brushed his hand off, not slowing. "Of course I'm bloody coming, stop worrying so much."

Sirius glared at his friend. "Stop worrying? Remus looks like shit, he's not been to class all day, don't tell me not to fucking worry."

James stopped, bringing them in front of the shifting staircase as he turned to face him. "Remus will be fine. Remus is _always_ fine, Sirius."

Sirius shoved his friend. "Stop being such a fucking asshole. So what, Evans turned you down for the millionth time, did you actually think she wouldn't?"

James shoved him back. "Fuck you, Sirius! All you ever do is wallow over Remus, and I'm not allowed to be put out when Lily turns me down in front of the entire House?"

"No, fuck _you_ , James," Sirius snarled. "And maybe you shouldn't have asked her out in front of the _whole House,_ if you didn't want to be turned down in front of them, because Evans is _never_ going to fucking date you! Get over it already!"

James swung, his fist hitting Sirius in the jaw soundly before he could react, and making him stumble back a couple steps. Sirius let out an angry growl. "You fucking bastard, you _hit me_!"

James shrugged. "You deserved it."

Sirius clenched his jaw and ran at his best friend, tackling him to the floor. "Fucking asshole, I hate you!" he shouted, punching James in the stomach and relishing in the groan that followed but only for a second when an elbow caught his chin, and he was knocked over onto his back. "Fuck!"

"You're a bloody bastard, Black!"

"My. My. My. What... do we have _here_? A lovers' quarrel?"

Two mops of black hair shot over at the smug voice, Sirius grabbing for his wand before one was raised at him.

"Don't," Severus Snape said, "move, Black."

"What the fuck do you want, _Snivelly_?" James growled, having gotten to his wand and holding it out as he pushed himself carefully off Sirius.

A smirk curled up the Slytherin's lips. "I've only come to gloat, of course."

Sirius pushed himself up, to stand beside James, whose hand was shaking ever so slightly. "You should know better than to pick a fight that you can't win, Snivels, James is a far stronger wizard than you, you should know that by now."

Dark brown eyes that almost looked black turned to Sirius. "Mind your own business, Black," he snapped, "this is between me - and _Potter_."

Sirius sneered. "That's a nice accent you've acquired, did you steal it off some purebloods?" he asked, a dark grin pulling up his lips when the Slytherin faltered for a second.

"Just turn around, Snivelly, and we'll pretend this never happened," James said, his voice tight, restrained.

Sirius frowned. "What, what do you mean - you're not going to fight him?"

James didn't respond, his expression hardening with a stubbornness that Sirius had seen many times.

"It won't work," Snape said, and when James's glare hardened further, he said, "We've both lost any chance we ever had, Lily won't forgive you any sooner than she'll forgive me."

A smile slowly pushed up the corners of James's mouth. "That's where you're wrong, Snivels. She will, because she expects me to act the way I do, but you - you'll _never_ get her back, especially not after what you called her." He paused and then said: "Sirius draw your wand, you can handle him."

Sirius's hand shot into his shirt, pulling out the fifteen-inch wand, and he raised it as James's lowered. "Where you going?" he asked his friend.

James patted his shoulder as he pocketed his own wand. "Going to get pissed up, join me when you're finished."

"Yeah, okay mate," he said as he watched the Slytherin carefully, the sound of James's footsteps sounding behind him as he made his way up the stairs. "Guess it's just you and me again, Snivelly."

The wizard blinked. "Not today, Black."

Sirius let out a harsh laugh. "What do you mean 'not today,' you afraid?"

The Slytherin raised a single eyebrow slowly. "Not quite. I just don't have time to deal with you."

Grey eyes flashed, and Sirius took a step closer. "Listen here, you'd be wise not to talk to me like that."

"And why's that? What are you going to do about it?" The wizard sneered. "It's quite obvious you're only a detention or two away from another suspension. Missing your family that much, _Black_?"

Sirius clenched his teeth as the infuriating question whirled mockingly in his head, and he felt a sudden numbness begin to take over his thoughts and body. He smiled widely, white teeth gleaming as he held back a growl. "You need to watch yourself, I'm _not_ James, I'll make you regret ever crossing me, suspension or not." It would be worth it.

Snape eyed him warily. "No, you're not anything like Potter, are you?" he asked in an overly thoughtful tone that put Sirius even more on edge.

His lips twitched, and fingers tightened around his wand. "No, I'm not," he said quietly, hating how the admission came so easily. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I've noticed things about you, Black," Snape said, "disturbing things that Golden Boy Potter likes to pretend isn't there. He's blind when it comes to you - _and_ Lupin, for that matter."

And Sirius took another step closer, wanting to strangle the wizard if only he could get in arm's reach. "What do you mean by that?"

"I think we both know Lupin isn't the model student he pretends to be." He smiled slowly. "Is he feeling _ill_ again perchance? I didn't see him in class today."

Sirius's hand began to tingle as magic began to grow inside of him, coursing down his arm and waiting, a certain curse floating through his mind. "I don't know what that has to do with anything."

"He's ill a lot. Don't you _think_ , he and his mother?" Snape asked in an air of nonchalance but for the smirk still on his lips. "And always near the full moon, curiously."

And Sirius slowly lowered his wand. He couldn't know. He was bluffing. "This has gotten a bit dull, James was right, you're really not worth the bother anymore," he said and made to leave.

"You think I won't figure it out?" Sirius froze. "I saw the four of you sneaking in the castle at sunrise last month, while he was _home_." Snape's voice grew more intense. "Something's not right with him. And when I find out what it is, what he's hiding, and how, you'll _all_ pay dearly, because _you_ and _Potter_ and _Pettigrew_ are all obviously in on it somehow too."

Sirius scrambled. Remus would have to leave he was certain if Snape ever found out the truth, if he told anyone. And he and James and Peter, if what they had done was found out—He couldn't let any of that happen. He wouldn't. Snape needed to be taken care of, and soon, before he could figure it out and tell someone... but it would need to be where no one would find out - or stop him.

He turned back slowly. "I could tell you," he said, his voice suddenly soft as hatred coursed through ice-cold veins and swirled in darkened grey eyes. He tilted his head to the side and licked his lips, relishing the unsure look overtaking the Slytherin's face. "If you want to know that badly."

Snape eyed him warily. "And _why_ would you do that?"

Sirius shrugged, not quite holding back a smile. "Because it's no big deal, just a project he's been working on that requires the full for potion gathering and brewing, and we've all been pitching in, like best mates ought to."

The space between the Slytherin's brows creased, eyes narrowing. "A potion? Did Slughorn approve this?"

Sirius nodded, the grin coming out to play fully on his lips. He had him. "Of course he did, Snivelly, what do you take us for? Troublemakers?"

Snape studied him carefully. "I don't believe you."

And Sirius laughed, fury mixing with excitement, and making it hard to tell the difference at that moment. "I wouldn't believe me either," he said and took a step back. "But if you're curious, wait until sunset on Thursday and push the knob at the base of the Whomping Willow, and see for yourself. Whatever it is, you'll find out."—His grin widened—"Better watch out though, I might get ya."

He laughed again, and then continued to back away until he was sure the Sytherin was leaving and turned and bounded up the steps. He would take care of Snape himself before Remus ever got to him, and he would enjoy it.

 

 


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo—Please don't hate me. Sirius and Remus will get back together, I swear! Hah. So sorry. Please leave me words of hatred if it helps.

Sirius sat, picking at his dinner plate Wednesday evening in the Great Hall, the ceiling above a moving screen of the heavy dark clouds just outside. The tall wizard chanced a glance over at the mostly empty Slytherin table, his gaze settling on a certain wizard.

"Greg still ignoring you?"

Sirius picked up a grape and tossed it into his mouth. "Fuck you James." An arm wrapped around his shoulders. "And don't touch me."

James let out a loud laugh. "Don't be so pissy."

Sirius ignored him as he chewed, grey eyes shifting back to land on the Slytherin wizard without shame. He hadn't said a word to him in Potions outside of what was strictly needed to complete their assignment. He wouldn't be surprised if he replaced him next class with someone else... and perhaps it was for the best. Because maybe there was still a chance—"Where's Remus?"

James sighed, his hand running up to give Sirius's hair an unwanted greeting before dropping. "Sirius. Remus is in the library with Lily and Pete."

Sirius turned slowly. "Why do you say it like that?"

James drew his lips to the side and then said in a careful tone, "I just think... maybe you should give Remus some space, mate. You know?"

"I _have_ been giving him space," he said, and it was true. He'd avoided the wizard a painful amount for more than a month, and had really only interacted closely with him the other day when he'd found him sick in the library, and Remus had seemed appreciative. Sirius eyed his friend warily when the wizard shifted uncomfortably. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing." James shook his head, and then he sniffed nonchalantly. "It's just..." He rubbed his hands together and then said abruptly, "Maybe you should skip the full tomorrow."

Sirius didn't move. " _Why_ would I do that?" he asked slowly.

James hummed uncertainly, placing both hands on the edge of the table as he avoided Sirius's gaze and then began to tap on it.

" _James_ ," he said more sharply. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

And then James let out a heavy breath and turned to him, his expression apologetic and making Sirius's heart drop into his stomach. "Sirius, listen..."

"Remus doesn't want me there?" he asked, already knowing the answer, but somehow still feeling the blow keenly when James nodded regretfully. Why wouldn't he want him there?

"He doesn't mean permanently, Sirius. He might even change his mind, you know how moody he gets," he said quickly. Sirius pushed his plate back, and James sped up. "He's still your friend, he just needs a little space and–"

Sirius reached down for his bag, ignoring his best friend. Remus didn't want him there, and he hadn't even bothered to tell him in person.

He nodded curtly as he stood up, anger beginning to lick at his chest. "All right, I won't go then," he said and then he began to make his way for the door, not stopping at his friend's calls. He pushed the door to the Great Hall open to find the hallway empty but for a single retreating form, and his anger turned to determination.

"Oi, Zabini!" Sirius called out and then picked up his pace, almost breaking into a jog to catch up with the Slytherin. "Greg, wait up," he said when he drew close, grabbing hold of the wizard's sleeve to get his attention.

The Slytherin turned, his features seeming to be warring between aloof and agitated. "What do you need, Sirius? I'm not really in the mood for this."

Sirius glanced around, his expression one of confusion, and his hand still holding on to the wizard, who had been very obviously avoiding him all day. "I—What?"

Greg let out a dry laugh, gaze flicking down to the stone floor between them. "You changed your mind. No need to explain it. I should've known better than to think we were on the same page." He started to pull away.

"Greg, no, I didn't mean to stand you up," Sirius said, and his grip tightened on the wizard, feeling like he didn't have much else to lose, but what he did the wizard was about to walk off with. He looked down at chocolate eyes, and his voice dropped. "I was going to come, but Remus," he said, internally grimacing when the wizard's expression hardened even more on his friend's name, "he wasn't feeling well, and I got caught up."

Greg pressed his lips tightly between teeth, nodding far too fast to not come across agitated. "Remus. Right. Of course." He tried to pull away. "Fuck that. Fuck _all this_."

"No wait, Greg, _listen_." Sirius guided him back a few steps to a recessed window, and hands ran up to tilt the wizard's face back up to meet his pleading gaze. "I'm really sorry. I didn't know you'd get upset. I wasn't even sure if it meant anything - us meeting up."

Greg rolled his eyes. "Don't lie to me, it's insulting."

Sirius didn't say anything right away. He had been pretty sure. "All right. I'm sorry," he said simply, and then he looked around the empty hall before shifting feet closer and bringing their bodies within inches of each other. "How 'bout I make it up to you?"

Greg eyed him, his expression wavering ever so slightly. "What'd you have in mind?"

Sirius smiled slowly, and he said in low voice, "Spend the night with me, and you'll find out."

"What about Remus?"

Sirius blinked slowly and let out a measured breath. "What about him?" he asked tersely.

Greg's expression softened at that. "I just mean, is that okay?"

Sirius felt a laugh escape his lips. Was it okay? And then he laughed again, but when Greg started to move away, he reigned himself in quickly and grabbed his arm again. "Greg," he said, trying for smooth, and then he leaned down, his lips brushing the wizard's in a whisper soft touch. "Remus and I are over." He felt a hand slide up his chest and settle on the side of his neck in a tentative fashion, and he pushed on. "There's nothing to worry about."

"You're sure?"

Sirius pressed his mouth gently against familiar but strangely foreign lips and ignored the tightening in his chest when his heart protested. "I'm sure," he said softly and then he was tugged closer again, and his mouth opened, and a tongue met his, and it all felt wrong. He pulled back a little, his breath too fast between his lips, anxiety fluttering in his chest at the odd feeling. It was all wrong. _All of it_ was wrong. No. No, he just needed to get familiar with the wizard again, that was all.

"Sirius. You all right?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I just-" He swallowed hard and ran his hands slowly down the wizard's tone sides, his fingers reminding him of what they had once been when his mouth refused to. He gripped his hips and guided them forward as he rocked to meet him, and a throaty noise slipped from his lips that matched Greg's. "That's nice," he said, his voice growing husky, and the wizard nodded his agreement. He could do this. He needed to do this. He leaned down and began to nibble on soft skin. "So what do you say? Are you in or not?"

* * *

Sirius's arms gave out, and he dropped on top of a heaving chest.

"Fuck Sirius, you've gotten heavy," Greg said with a grunt, no bite in his words but instead a smile, and then his arms wrapped around the wizard.

Sirius grinned at the hug, rubbing his face into the crook of his neck, and the expression widened when the wizard started to laugh and tried to get away. He had missed touching and being touched. "Still ticklish, Zabini?" he teased, settling his face back on the wizard's chest. He ran an index finger idly along smooth dark skin, and a scarred chest flashed in his mind unbidden, and then he remembered what he needed to do to keep Snape quiet—

"Something wrong?"

Sirius jerked himself back to the present. "Hm?" he hummed and began to trace his finger along the wizard's muscular chest again as he struggled to center himself, feeling off and something else not so great that he didn't want to entertain at that moment.

"I said, what are you thinking about?"

"Thinking?" Sirius hummed again. "I was thinking you've been spending too much time with the witches, Greg."

Greg huffed an easy laugh, making Sirius's smile return. "Don't be such a git. I just mean you're being quiet is all."

Sirius rolled off the wizard and lifted his lower half up to pull blankets down and then crawled under them. "I'm just worn out from all the shagging," he said and when Greg climbed under too, he scooted close and wrapped an arm around his chest like he had always done and kissed the back of his neck. "You're staying?"

Greg sighed. "Yeah, if you don't mind, I'm really tired."

Sirius placed another kiss and pressed in closer. "No, sounds good," he said quietly. He had been with Greg longer than Remus, maybe it would work, maybe it would help. "So you want to give this another go?"

He was met with silence.

"Us, I mean."

"Is that what you really want?"

Sirius nodded against his back. "I'd like that."

Greg lay quietly, his chest rising and falling softly under Sirius's arm, and just when the wizard thought he wasn't going to respond, he did. "All right... On one condition."

"Yeah?" Sirius licked his lips, his arms tightening around the wizard. "And what's that?"

"Let Remus go." The wizard rolled over and met Sirius's gaze when he didn't respond.

Sirius swallowed hard and looked away. _Let Remus go._ The words whirled in his mind like a threat. He didn't want to do that. He didn't know _how_ to do that. He felt like he was a part of him, more a part of him than he was himself at times. Could he let something go that was a part of him? Did he want to? The suggestion alone made his chest ache and his heart hurt, and he felt scared and angry all at once. He met determined brown eyes, and his unease only grew. "I don't know if I can do that."

"You have to want to," Greg said quietly, and when Sirius nodded hesitantly, he continued, "I care about you, Sirius - a lot - and I know you don't care as much for me, but... you've gotta be willing to at least try. All I ask is you try. We could be happy together, I know it." He slid his hand up to rest over Sirius's galloping heart. "I'm willing to do this. All of it. You can get married to Greengrass, have a family, I won't say a word, but I want _this_ ," he said, his hand pressing firmly over Sirius's broken heart. "For real this time."

Sirius nodded again, his throat tightening and making his eyes burn. "Okay," he said in a rough voice and then cleared his throat. "Okay, Greg, I'll try." And then he was pulled in to a kiss, grey eyes falling shut, and he responded, ignoring the tempest of emotions in his chest. He would try.


	75. Chapter 75

Sirius grinned, his finger trailing in spiraling circles down defined stomach muscles, and he leaned in to whisper into Greg's ear the next morning before breakfast as Peter scurried out of the dorm, the door clicking loudly behind him in his haste. "You look good enough to eat."

Greg laughed, not pushing him away as they lay on Sirius's bed in pajama pants, crimson curtains open, Sirius having been teasing him for the past ten minutes with light touches and words of admiration. "Oh yeah?"

Sirius nodded his assent and then trailed his tongue lazily up the wizard's neck, his hand finally sliding down over generously tented pants and causing a gasp to fall from already panting lips. "Yeah, with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

"What the fuck, Sirius."

Sirius smiled widely as he began to nip at the wizard's ear, his palm pressing down more firmly, gripping, and causing a groan to rumble in Greg's chest. "Go away, James."

"Close your curtains asshole, this is my room too, you know."

"What's wrong Prongs? Jealous?" Sirius asked as he pushed himself up but only to swing a leg over the wizard and settle down over his pants and then press their equally excited parts together. He smiled down at a lust-ridden Greg, lids drooped and chin tilted back, his muscular neck arched as he gripped Sirius's hips tightly encouraging him to continue moving. "You like it when James watches?" he asked loud enough for his best friend to hear and then moved his hips so he slid over him in a way that he could make out his entire clothed member with his own.

"Christ Sirius, you're depraved."

Greg laughed through another groan. "Sorry James."

"That's a lie, he's not," Sirius said, and Greg laughed again as the tall wizard leaned down. "I bet I can get you off like this," he said in the wizard's ear.

Greg didn't quite hold in a moan when he pressed against him again. "No. No way," he said in a breathy voice. "There's no way."

Sirius grinned gamely. "Let's see then, shall we?" He ignored a complaining James as he began to nibble at the wizard's sensitive neck, rocking his hips against his. "How's that feel?"

"Fine, just ignore me. I'm not leaving though."

Sirius laughed against warm skin when the wizard's fingers dug deeper into his hips at the declaration. "Looks like I'm not the only depraved one in here," he whispered as he began to double his efforts. "Come on Greg, come for James," he whispered.

"Fuck you, Sirius."

Sirius laughed into the wizard's neck as he continued to move, his body responding eagerly to the touch. "Maybe later," he called out to his friend.

Greg laughed, the sound throaty.

"Fine. Just do it."

Sirius looked up to see James watching them from his bed, leaning on his elbow with a begrudging grin playing at his lips. "You want to see it, Prongs?" he asked, his voice suddenly growing huskier as Greg began to whisper curses under his breath. "Do you?"

James's tongue flicked out to wet his lips, and he nodded with a slight incline of his chin. "Yeah, fuck it, let's see it, Pads."

" _Fuck_." Greg groaned and his back arched up. "Sirius," he gasped, drawing the wizard's attention back to him.

Sirius ran a hand up to his neck, as he continued to move over him. "You like that? Does that feel good?"

Greg groaned and leaned up, capturing his lips, mouths parting and their heated noises mixing together.

Sirius shifted his hips and lined them up perfectly dragging himself down across him and then pressing up against him with each thrust, the pressure making his eyes want to roll back into his head. He pulled lips back to murmur, "How bad do you want me?"

"So much, _so much_ ," Greg whispered back, and Sirius sped up at that. "I - I _love_ you, Sirius," he whispered a little too loudly as his hips began to move seemingly of their own accord.

And then several things happened all at once. The door opened, James let out a startled noise, and Sirius groaned his own answering reply unthinkingly to the wizard under him as he came against him.

* * *

"I think Zabini left this."

Sirius looked up as he buttoned his shirt to find an expressionless Remus holding a striped green tie out to him as it lay draped over only his index and far away from his body. He bit down on his lower lip, holding back an apology and took the piece of Slytherin clothing. He hadn't meant for Remus to hear or see those things; he was only trying to move on.

"Thanks," he said, forcing his tone calm, and then he placed it around his own neck before continuing to button his shirt, his fingers suddenly unsteady. Greg had left in a hurry along with James shortly after Remus had shown up, even after Sirius had pulled the curtains shut and silenced the bed they were sharing.

"Sirius."

"Hm?" He looked up when nothing more was said, and what he saw made his heart skip a beat. Remus looked angry. No not angry, but something very similar, and he was clearly trying to hide it. "Yeah Remus?" he asked, his tone a little too soft despite his best efforts.

"Do you - do you really _like_ him?"

And the words pierced straight through his chest. Because he knew what he had heard. He wanted to say no and grab him and kiss him, and tell him he'd only ever love him, that no one could ever take his place. He looked down and began to do up the Slytherin tie around his neck instead. Remus didn't want to hear that, he didn't even want his help anymore. "Yeah, I really do." He tried to keep his gaze down, but he found himself somehow looking into hazel eyes.

" _Already_?" Remus asked, and he took a step closer.

Sirius watched in disbelief as Remus's hand reached up and settled on his chest, and he felt his resolve begin to crumble as his heart tried its best to burst out of his chest to jump into the wizard's hands so he could destroy what was left of it. Fuck.

Sirius forced himself to nod as he stood planted in place, his feet refusing to move him away and his traitorous heart banging against his ribs, but he resisted the urge to touch him back. "Yeah. And I should tell you, we're dating again. Exclusively."

"Exclusively." Remus's eyes remained trained on the tie, an odd expression overtaking his features that made Sirius worry he might be planning to strangle him with it. "Exclusively," he said the word again as if it were foreign to him somehow.

Sirius nodded dumbly. "Yeah, I—"

"Good for you," he said so quietly that Sirius almost didn't make it out. And then his hand dropped, and he took a step back. He cleared his throat and ran a hand roughly through his hair, something shifting in his expression that set Sirius more on edge. Stoic hazel eyes met pained grey orbs. He spoke up, his voice sounding almost completely normal. "Good for you, I'm happy for you, Sirius."

Sirius frowned. "You're. You're happy for me?" he asked, the sentiment making him furious for some reason. He didn't know a lot about relationships, but he was pretty sure the wizard shouldn't be fucking happy for him, because it hurt like hell to hear it.

Remus nodded in a nonchalant fashion. "Yeah, I am. You and Greg are a good match."

Sirius started to argue with the statement but then stopped, because why would he do that. He turned and made his way for the door, his hand settling heavily on the handle. He let out a slow breath, forcing his emotions down. "Listen Remus," he said quietly, not looking back, "Be careful tonight, don't let James take you out," and then he opened the door, not waiting for a response as he made his way out.

* * *

Sirius leaned his head back and took a swig from the half-empty bottle of firewhiskey in his hand as he stood on the astronomy tower late on Thursday, grey eyes scanning the grounds under a changing sky of red, orange and blue. Less than an hour until sunset.

He took another drink, the burning welcome as it filled his chest. He laughed. He hated Snape. Snivels. Snivelly. He hated everything about him. He hated how he had been sorted into Slytherin and acted like he was better for it. He hated how the wizard always watched him and his friends. He hated how he thought it sport to get him in trouble with his parents. He hated how he manipulated and threatened his little brother. And he really hated how he spoke so hatefully about Remus. His jaw clenched. The wizard had it out for Remus, and he wouldn't care if he ruined his life one bit. He would find it amusing, and would do the same to Sirius and James and Peter if he could. An unbreakable vow wasn't enough. Not this time.

He pulled the long black wand from his inside pocket and eyed it carefully, imagining it conjuring the green smoked curse. He wondered if it had been used for that before. Probably, it was a family heirloom. He felt a tug of discomfort and took another swig.

"Hey, I thought I might find you up here."

Sirius tucked the wand back in his pocket. He didn't look over as he took another drink. "Hey Prongs."

James stopped beside him. "Pads." He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, taking one and lighting it before holding them out to Sirius in offering.

"No thanks," he said and took another drink. He looked over to his friend. "What are you doing out here, shouldn't you be getting ready for the night?"

James blew a cloud of smoke out of the corner of his mouth. He shrugged and then tapped his cigarette over the edge, ash falling to the ground far below. "I've done it enough times, I know the drill. Pete's already there anyway."

Sirius nodded and looked back over the grounds. He took another drink, trying to wash away the sudden tension in his chest. He had seen the spell cast, had heard it spoken. It would be easy. Simple. And then he'd never have to worry about him again.

"You okay?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I'm fucking fantastic."

James exhaled. "You don't sound it."

Grey eyes shifted down to the stone banister. "What do you want me to say?"

James took another drag. He shrugged, and they stood in silence for a long moment. "You know," he said around a breath of smoke, "sometimes I wonder why Remus doesn't just haul off and hit me. I mean, I'd have done it to him if our positions were reversed. A lot."

Sirius didn't say anything. He didn't want to think about what James was referring to. He didn't want to think about any of it.

James sighed. "Sirius, you and I, we're lucky to have a friend like Remus. He's not always standing there telling us what we should or shouldn't do, but when we really mess up, he lets us know it. And he's clever about it too, I think if he did yell at me or hit me, I'd just ignore him. Hell, I'd probably just do it again to piss him off." He took another drag. "But he doesn't, he's quiet about it, but you still know you've messed up, and it's so much worse, and it makes you want to never do it again."

Sirius laughed. "Is this your way of breaking up with me, Prongs?"

James shot him a sheepish grin. "Maybe." He sniffed. "We shouldn't mess around like that anyway, it just fucks with my head."

Sirius quirked a small grin of his own. "Are you telling me that you're afraid you'll turn gay for me?"

James let out a laugh. "I'm saying, you're my best mate, and we should have lines if we want to stay that way."

Sirius sighed, a hand running up to smooth down black locks. "Yeah, you're probably right."

James sniffed. "You know though - I don't know why he doesn't try it with you, talking that is, not hitting." He laughed softly. "Because you'd actually listen, you're a better person than me, I think."

Sirius closed his eyes, fighting the feeling that was trying to take over his chest. Pain. He was in pain. "James, just shut up."

James took one last drag and then flicked the butt of his cigarette over the edge. "Why? Because you're upset Remus and you aren't together?"

Sirius sucked in a slow breath. "Remus is better off without me."

James frowned at that. "Listen Sirius, you and Remus - you two aren't together, because you and I fucked up. No other reason."

Sirius felt his breath hitch, and he opened grey eyes to meet James's level gaze. "Are you trying to fuck with me tonight?"

James shook his head. "No, I just think you should stop feeling so sorry for yourself."

Sirius placed the bottle of firewhiskey on the banister, straightening himself to his full height. "James, I've lost Remus. I had him, and I lost him, and like you said, it's all my fault," he said, his voice rising, "and you're telling me to stop feeling _sorry_ for myself?"

James nodded. "Yeah. I am."

Sirius felt a laugh rip from his chest angrily. "Fuck you, James."

James shook his head. "I'm not trying to upset you, but you've got your head shoved so far up your ass you're letting him get away."

Sirius took a step forward as he glared down at his friend. "I've already lost him," he said thinking his friend had clearly lost his mind, "You told me to date, to _move on_. You said Zabini was good for me. Remember?"

James laughed. "Yeah, well I was wrong."

Sirius closed his eyes slowly, trying to hold back the sudden anger that had roared to life in his chest. "And how's that?" he asked tightly.

"I don't know, I can just see it."

Grey eyes flashed open angrily. "I like Greg."

James nodded, black eyebrows lifting. "Yeah, but do you love him?"

Sirius scoffed, "Of course I don't, we just got back together!" James said nothing, his expression not in the least surprised. Sirius blinked as he realized what he'd said. "I-I mean—" And guilt poured over him. "I-"

"Sirius." James's hand landed heavily on his shoulder. "I'm not judging you."

And Sirius blinked again. "I didn't mean to lie to him," he said quietly.

James nodded. "I know that, Greg knows that."

Sirius felt his mind begin to weaken. "I could... I'm trying to."

James's other hand landed on his opposite shoulder. "You shouldn't have to try. It's not how it works."

And Sirius shook his head. "I can't break up with him, James, I promised him."

James let out a heavy sigh. "I'm not telling you to break things off. I'm telling you to stop making the same mistakes, because I'm tired of seeing you get hurt. You deserve to be happy."

Sirius gave his head a firm shake at that, the alcohol in his head doing funny things to his thoughts and making him want to agree with his friend's words. "I don't deserve anything, I'm fucked up." He pulled away from his friend's grip and turned back to face the school grounds. He swallowed hard. "I'm a fucked up bastard, James."

James laughed from behind him. "Aren't we all?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, not like me." He turned to his friend. "I'm a bad person, Prongs, really bad."

James's expression slowly grew concerned as hazel eyes searched the wizard's face. "What do you mean?" he asked in a cautious voice that made Sirius want to laugh.

So he did. "I've done bad things, things that would put me in Azkaban if anyone ever found out. And I'm _not_ talking about becoming an animagus."

James looked over his shoulder, scanning the empty space and then back to Sirius. "Sirius... what are you talking about?"

And Sirius felt like screaming. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the maddening feeling. He was losing it. He met his friend's gaze. "I'm talking about how I've crucio'd people, and watched someone be murdered." James's expression slowly started to shift, to darken. Sirius continued on, "You know, my dad used the killing curse on my uncle right in front of me, and then we hung out together afterward?" He caught the growing look of concern marring his friend's features, and he laughed again, the action making his chest ache. "Don't worry, it's been a couple years."

James's eyes widened, and he shifted closer. "Sirius," he said, his voice sounding pained, "why didn't you tell me this before?"

Sirius shrugged, a sad smile pulling at his lips. "Because,"—He licked his lips—"because I thought you'd hate me if I did."

James moved even closer. "Sirius, listen to me, you need to get out of that house, you can't go back there. Your family-"

Sirius shoved him back a step, frustration tinting his words with anger. "I _can't_ leave, James. My parents wouldn't let me just _leave_." He laughed again, the sound almost like a growl. "I deserve to be there anyway, I'm just like them."

James shook his head, adamantly. "No - no you're not. You're _nothing_ like them. You hear me? They've made you think that, but it's not true. It's not, Sirius. You're not like that, I know you."

Sirius let out an angry growl. "You're wrong! I am. You don't know me James, you don't know me at all! Snape said he was going to figure out what we were all up to every full, and so you know what I did?"

And James shook his head, a look of apprehension slowing the movement and softening his words. "No... what'd you do, Sirius?"

Sirius looked down at his friend and sneered, "I told him about the passage under the Whomping Willow. _I told_ him how to get to Remus tonight so I could _kill him_ in the tunnel, I _want_ to kill him, James..." He drifted off, his chest rising and falling quickly, breaths shallow, as his pulse raced, his emotions a tangled mess, and he realized what he had just said.

James blinked. "You what?"

Sirius shook his head, confusion messing with his thoughts. "I—"

And James turned and took off at top speed, cursing as he did.

Sirius frowned and then looked out just in time to see the last colors of the sunset, the sky almost completely a dark blue. He took off after his friend.


	76. Chapter 76

"Where is he?" James's gaze swung wildly around the darkened Hogwarts' grounds, the Whomping Willow still yards away, standing frozen and half bent over, under a clouded sky. "Where the hell is he? He couldn't really be thick enough to go in there."

Sirius shook his head, his side cramping under the combination of sprinting and alcohol. It had been what he had hoped for, but not like this. "I don't know. I - Maybe he's gone already, found the trap door and didn't have the nerve to go in."

"Shit. _Shit._ " James cursed again, a hand scrubbing through wild hair. "You had better hope so for Remus's sake," he said brusquely, and he began to make his way towards the tree, Sirius following by his side. "Oh fuck," he said, pulling up just short of the tree's reach, when it suddenly sprung to life.

"I've got it." Sirius felt his body begin to vibrate and then he bounded forward on four oversized black paws, ducking from a low swinging branch, another grazing his side with claw-like limbs as he bumped the stump with his nose. His body warmed, and he was standing on two feet once more as he dropped into the tunnel. He pulled out his wand as James slid in behind him, and he whispered a _lumos_ , the tunnel slowly revealing itself under the warm glow, his shirt sticking to his side where the tree had gotten him. James's hand landed on his shoulder.

"If we find him, I'll take care of him, okay?"

Sirius took a step forward but stopped when the hand tightened on his shoulder, holding him back.

"I'll take care of him, Sirius. _Okay_?"

" _Okay_ ," he said, pulling away, and he began down the path, speeding up when it became apparent the tunnel was empty. He felt his chest clench as he neared the end to find the trap door ajar, and he picked up his pace to a sprint for the last few strides, his steps muffled by the soft dirt path. They still had at least fifteen minutes, he was sure. It would be fine. It would be fine, the clouds were thick.

The trap door swung fully open above him, a silencing charm padding its fall, James's voice sounding behind him, doing the job. Sirius placed his wand between his teeth and then grabbed onto the floor of the Shrieking Shack and pulled himself up, to find the room empty. He pushed himself upright as he peered around the space, wand in his hand once more as James climbed out of the tunnel, both listening.

The two wizards eyed each other silently, and then a loud crash sounded from above. James pointed to the stairs, and Sirius nodded before the two began to make their way quickly over creaking floorboards and up the bending staircase, and then a squeaking rodent ran between James and then Sirius's feet and into the living room below, disappearing from sight.

"Peter, you bloody rat!" he hissed and shoved past James and bounded up the last few steps when he heard another louder bang come from upstairs, followed by a familiar voice. He was down the hallway and to the last door before he knew it, and he peered in the partially opened door to find Remus leaning against a long beat-up dresser, groaning and holding his side.

"You think you're so smart, Snape?" Remus said in an odd voice, he sounded amused. He let out a bubbling laugh.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he pushed the door open carefully to find the Slytherin with his wand out and pointed at Remus's chest.

"You've lost it, Lupin, thinking you can take me without your wand?" the wizard hissed.

And Remus laughed again, giddily, causing a look of unease to spread across the Slytherin's face.

Sirius took a cautious step in, his wand on the distracted wizard, James on his heels. "Snape. You need to leave _now_."

Snape's gaze swung to the doorway. "Potions," the wizard scoffed, not seeming concerned by the set of wands pointed at him. "I don't see any potions, Black. Just your _friend_ here who's gone a little mad, oh, and Pettigrew outed you all when I pulled my wand..." A dark smile curled thin lips. "He turned into a _rat_ and took off. Animagi? You'll do time in Azkaban for this, _all_ of you."

Sirius didn't say anything, his attention shifting to Remus as he slumped over even more on the dresser, his eyes glassy and not fully there as he snarled at the Slytherin.

"Tell me Lupin," Snape drawled, "What do you turn into? A lap dog?"

Remus let out a sharp laugh, eyes darkening under wild sandy locks, an uncharacteristically wide smile playing at his lips as he gasped for air. "Go to hell, Snape."

James stepped in further. "You didn't see this, Snape."

"Or what?" the wizard snapped. "What are you going to do about it, _Potter_? Another unbreakable vow?" he asked. "I'll find a way around it, I'm not a _fool_."

"Snape, this isn't the time," James said more firmly, moving around Sirius and placing himself between the Slytherin and a gasping Remus. "We're trying to help you, just leave now before you get hurt. Remus is sick, just leave."

Snape's eyes narrowed as he studied the gasping sandy-blond. "He is sick, isn't he? What's _wrong_ with him?"

And Remus started to laugh again, his voice hoarse. "Just let him stay, James, he obviously wants to. We can all have a _fine_ time together."

Sirius tensed at the words, the feral look in Remus's eyes growing. " _James,_ get him out of here now, or I will."

The Slytherin took a step forward. "Listen here, Black, if you think-"

And then a scream filled the room as it ripped from Remus's lips, and Sirius ran towards him, grabbing around his waist when he started to fall and lowering him carefully to the floor, his body shaking and his eyes turning darker by the second, changing. "Remus, hold on for a minute, just hold on for another a minute. Hurry it up James!"

"What have you three done to Lupin?"

Remus began to convulse in Sirius's arms, the clouds shifting outside and thinning around the full moon, its yellow light slowly bleeding through more and more.

" _Sirius_ ," the werewolf gasped, his fingers digging into the wizard's arms and bruising the skin. "Sirius, don't leave me."

Sirius shook his head, his chest aching and head spinning. "I won't Remus, I promise." He held him tighter as another scream filled the air, and then Remus let out a low feral growl as his gaze trained fully on the Slytherin still in the room. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay. _James-_ "

"He's a _what_?" And then there was cursing and thudding footsteps, and the door slammed shut with a bang.

Remus groaned again, and his body began to shake harder as heavy footsteps trailed down the hallway. "I'm going to kill him," he gasped out, "I'm going to kill him, Sirius," he said, his words murderous and feeling like stabs to Sirius's chest.

"No. I won't let you," he said and then teeth gritted together as Remus let out another cry, and then his hands began to shift. "I'll stop you," he said, and when the werewolf lost his grip Sirius felt his own magic morph and swell inside him, and he found himself staring into golden orbs of darkness.

A low rumbling growl made his hackles raise, and he took a slow step back on large black paws, his stance wide to block the wolf's path, his ears pinned and lips pulled back to reveal sharp canines. And then without warning, the wolf leapt at him and much larger ones snapped out at him - and then they grabbed hold. He yelped and spun away, loosing razor sharp teeth from the side of his neck, and he turned back just in time to see the wolf barreling towards the door, and then he slammed against it, and it gave under the force of the giant grey wolf.

Sirius took off after him, running over broken door splinters and through kicked up dust, gaining on him as he bounded down the stairs. He was almost on him when he saw James pushing Snape into the trap door, jumping in after him as Remus tore into the room, and Sirius lunged forward, and his teeth sunk into the werewolf's hind left leg, a pained howl piercing the wizard's somewhat canine brain. He held tight, holding him back with all his strength until the trap door slammed shut and glew a brilliant blue, and when it disappeared - he let go.

He heard a growl, and then claws and teeth were on him almost instantly, and he let himself be knocked to the dusty wooden floor, not fighting back. He deserved it, and it was him or Remus. A silent whimper left his chest as heavy paws held him down, and teeth began to tear into him. It was for the best.

* * *

"What are you doing here?" The words said tightly in a low whisper.

Sirius shifted on something soft, and a groan left his lips as his mind tried to make sense. He hurt. He hurt everywhere, like his insides were bruised.

"I just want to make sure he's okay, James."

"He is. You know he is-"

"No I _don't_! Look at him!" was hissed, "He let me do that, he _let_ me do that to him, James, and he didn't even fight back! He's not all right!"

"Remus, listen, I know you're upset, but it's probably best if you're not here when he wakes-"

"He can stay," Sirius mumbled, grey eyes finally opening to find the area dark and Remus and James standing at the end of his bed, with matching surprised expressions.

" _Sirius_ ," James said, seeming to pull himself from the stupor Remus was still stuck in and moved towards him, quickly closing the gap. He stopped by his bedside. "You're awake."

Sirius laughed and then groaned, regretting both actions, and his eyelids fell back shut. "I feel awful."

"You look awful."

And Sirius managed a tight grin. "What happened?"

"You-"

"Remus, not right now," James said sharply, his tone warning.

Sirius looked over to meet hazel eyes that seemed to pierce straight through him and make his aching lungs want to give up already. "...Give us a minute, would ya, James?"

James opened his mouth-

"It's okay, Prongs," he said, grimacing as he shifted on the bed, his side aching. "We're all friends here."

James eyed Remus at that, his expression dark. "Yeah, yeah you're right, we're all _friends_ ," he said coolly, glaring at Remus as he left.

Sirius closed his eyes again, tilting his head back and letting out a slow breath. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

"A lot."

Sirius opened his eyes to see the sandy-blond peering down at him. "Sirius, why'd you let me do this?"

Sirius shrugged, his gaze falling away. "You're tough."

" _Sirius_."

Sirius met hazel eyes again. And he said simply, "Because I deserved it."

Remus shook his head and let out a whisper of an unamused laugh. "Don't say things like that, what are you trying to do to me?" He sat down on the edge of the hospital bed. "I could have killed you," he said, his voice quietly tense, "Sirius, you would have died if James hadn't come back for you."

Sirius let out a quiet breath. "Remus, I'm sorry. I never meant for Snape to get in there, it wasn't the plan."

Remus nodded. "I know that." And then he said more softly, "What _was_ your plan, Sirius?"

Sirius let out another heavy breath. "James didn't tell you?"

"He did." And Remus climbed onto the bed beside him at that, resting his head on Sirius's shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around his chest carefully to the wizard's surprise. "Sirius, I'm - I'm sorry I haven't been here for you lately, I feel like this is all my fault."

Sirius swallowed hard, his chest aching, and warming at the same time. He resisted turning his face and resting it against the wizard's head of hair. "It's not. You're not responsible for me, Remus," he said quietly as he stared up at the stone ceiling. "None of what happened was your fault."

"Greg stopped by earlier."

Sirius closed his eyes. "Ah." Then they lay quietly for a few beats.

"He was... pretty upset - I think. It's hard to tell with Slytherins."

Sirius smiled at the almost playful words, and he gave in, turning and settling his face against soft sandy locks and breathed in slowly. He smelled so good. "I'm glad you came."

"Of course I did," he said in a voice that made Sirius feel like he hadn't really had any other choice.

"Remus, this wasn't your fault. You had no control."

"Why didn't you fight back?"

Sirius sighed. "I didn't want you to get any more hurt." And then he remembered—"Snape, he knows. What happened?"

Remus lay silently for a long moment, a finger brushing Sirius's side, and then he said, "Dumbledore quieted him, about me, and you all too. But he's not happy."

He closed his eyes. "Remus, I'm so sorry, about everything," he said, and felt the wizard tense beside him. "Everything I've done lately to make you not want me around."

Remus shifted closer. "Sirius," he said, his tone suddenly more careful, "do you want to know why I didn't do anything after you and James?"

Sirius wasn't so sure he did want to know, not just then at least. He just wanted to lie there with him, and pretend like none of it had ever happened. "Why?" he finally asked in almost a whisper.

"Because I." Remus paused. "I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to lose you, and look at where we are now."

Sirius ran the back of his hand along the wizard's arm. "Remus, you haven't lost me."

"It feels like I have," he said in a soft voice filled with regret. "We aren't even friends anymore. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Sirius lay quietly, his chest aching sharply at the words. "I think I have an idea."

Remus's hand slid up Sirius's neck and into his hair, and the wizard let out a wistful sigh as fingers ran over his head. "I want to be here for you. I shouldn't have kept you away for the full, it wasn't because I didn't want you there... I was just worried."

Grey eyes met close hazel ones. "About what?"

Remus looked down. "That I'd hurt you." He didn't say anything for a few beats. "I've been so angry with you lately, and I thought it might be worse when I was transformed, and I knew I wouldn't have any control if things went badly."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" he asked softly, wishing just then he had never gone after Greg that day. "Why'd you have James do it?"

Remus didn't respond.

"Why Remus?"

And Remus looked back up at him, hazel eyes shining. "Because after the time we spent in the library, it was so nice, and I - I've just missed—Sirius, I was afraid if I was around you, I'd lose it. Beg you to take me back."

Sirius stared blankly, thinking he must have misheard. "Take you back?" he asked, disbelief numbing his words.

Remus nodded, gaze dropping again. "I - I still love you Sirius, even if we aren't together, and I miss you all the time. It hurts always being away from you."

Sirius wrapped his arm around the wizard more firmly, hugging him, not sure what to say. "I miss you too," he finally managed, and then he felt the blond's chest begin to shake ever so slightly against him, and he let out a slow breath as he fought to keep his own steady. "Let's stop this, this fighting or whatever it is we're doing. We can go back to how we were before." He paused, the wizard's words from seconds before clicking in his mind; Remus had been afraid they'd get back together—"Best friends, right?" he forced out.

Hazel eyes trailed up slowly, studying him for a long moment. Remus barely nodded. "Yeah, I'd really like that." And then an unsure look flickered across his face. "Is - is that what you want?"

And Sirius pulled him close once more, ignoring his protesting body as he hugged Remus against him, breathing in his scent and hiding the pain in his eyes. "More than anything, Remus."


	77. Chapter 77

"Sirius, I see you're feeling better?"

Sirius cleared his throat. "Yes, Headmaster," he said politely as he stepped off the spiral staircase and into the wizard's tower office. He forced leaden feet to move toward the old wizard - who was sitting behind his oversized desk - hands by his sides, not clenching and unclenching under his direct orders.

"Good. Please, have a seat," Dumbledore said warmly, motioning with a soft wave of his hand to a familiar overstuffed chair that had only just appeared across from him. The wizard slid a silver tray away from himself and towards the approaching young wizard. "Lemondrop?"

"No thank you, sir," Sirius said as he sat down in the Gryffindor-hued seat, "You wanted to see me?"

The old wizard clasped his hands together and met his gaze, blue eyes suddenly quite serious. "I did. And I'm sure you know why."

Sirius looked down at his lap. He nodded, the movement slight under uncooperative muscles, tension builidng in them as the gravity of the situation hit him squarely. James had said the headmaster hadn't mentioned their illegal animagi work when he had met with him after taking Sirius to the infirmary, but he did say the wizard had questioned him about Sirius, and how Snape had found Remus on the full. And he had been honest. He waited in silence for the headmaster to suspend or expel him.

"Sirius, I'm not going to suspend you."

Sirius looked up at the unexpected words, his expression surprised but wary.

"Or expel you," the wizard added. "And do you know why?"

Sirius shook his head slowly, dark eyebrows furrowing as he tried to hold back the relief attempting to wash over him in waves and dull his senses.

"Do you want to know why?" was asked. Sirius found himself nodding and meeting twinkling blue eyes. The wizard let out a weighted breath and then said, "Because I do not believe in punishing someone who has done no wrong."

Sirius frowned but didn't speak up.

"Mr. Snape is insistent that you were trying to have him killed by your friend. Is that true?"

"No sir," he said quickly, "I wasn't. I-"

Dumbledore held up a silencing hand as he nodded slowly in acceptance. "I take the blame for placing Mr. Lupin somewhere he could be reached so easily. I will be placing more protective enchantments on the trap door for the future."

Sirius's gazed trailed back down to his hands. "Sir, I'm not entirely innocent though."

"No?" the wizard asked curiously.

Sirius shook his head, swallowing around a growing lump in his throat. "No sir." He took in a deep breath to let it out slowly. "I might not have intended Remus to attack him. But... I had my own plans," he admitted quietly.

"And why were you not successful?"

Sirius frowned at that. He remembered his second thoughts on the astronomy tower, and then how he had been more worried about Remus than anything in the Shrieking Shack. And to be honest, he didn't even want to kill the Slytherin anymore and was glad he hadn't, not after hearing Remus just putting voice to his thoughts and knowing how it felt to hear them. He didn't want to do that to his friends. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap. "I don't know, sir, but I'm not innocent... I know that."

"Sirius-" The headmaster peered at him over his glasses, waiting for the young wizard to look up before continuing. "Thoughts are not punishable, no matter how misguided or dark. One is only held accountable for their actions. That is something I myself took a very long time to figure out, and you would be wise to take my word on it."

Sirius nodded hesitantly. "Yes, sir," he said, an uneasy feeling tugging at his thoughts.

* * *

"Hey Greg-" Sirius was cut off when lips met his, and insistent hands slid up his chest and onto his neck, the Slytherin pushing him back, pressing him against the wall just outside the infirmary, Sirius having finally gotten a clean bill of health from the mediwitch shortly after returning from his visit with the headmaster.

"I was coming to see you," Greg whispered and then began to kiss him again, his mouth opening and hands sliding down slowly, trailing along the wizard's torso greedily.

Sirius groaned when fingers slid down further to curl around his slacks' waist line, dipping underneath and brushing sensitive skin. "Were you?" he asked breathily. He glanced around, the hallway empty.

Greg nodded adamantly, leaning his body up against his and brushing the front of his slacks against Sirius's, two sets of moans filling the hallway. "I've missed you."

Sirius laughed roughly. He cupped the back of the wizard's neck and pulled him closer, holding him just barely out of his lips' reach. "How much? How much have you missed me?"

Greg smiled slowly, revealing perfectly straight white teeth. "I could show you. If you're interested."

Sirius nodded quickly. "I am. Very."

* * *

Sirius groaned a half hour later as a tongue ran over him teasingly, trailing a circle along his tip. " _Fuck Zabini_ ," he breathed, "just suck it already."

Greg laughed and blew a stream of air, his breath feeling cool on moistened skin, making another groan slip from Sirius's lips. He leaned down further and slid his tongue widely along the bottom of Sirius's length. Intense brown eyes flicked up, meeting hooded grey ones, and the Slytherin said in a quiet voice, "You said you loved me the other day." And then he trailed his tongue from base to tip again, making Sirius's hips lift off the bed as he moaned at the touch. "Do you really?"

Sirius breathed heavily. "I, uh," and then the wizard's mouth wrapped around him and slowly enveloped him in a sweet warmth. "I-" He cursed under his breath when the wizard began to bob over him, his muscular arms holding his body above him, looking far too good for Sirius to voice the answer pacing truthfully in his mind. "Fuck Greg." He groaned, and his hands settled on the wizard's head, and he held him steady as he began to push up into the wizard's mouth with small thrusts, his breathing growing more ragged by the second. He needed more. It wasn't enough. "Can I fuck you?" he asked.

The wizard pulled back, licking swollen lips as he eyed Sirius. "Yeah, yeah okay," he said and began to make his way up towards him.

Sirius grabbed him when he moved to lie down beside him and pulled him into a kiss, moaning at the taste of himself on the wizard's tongue. He rolled him onto his back as he grabbed the tube under his pillow, preparing himself with one hand as he continued to kiss the wizard.

Lips parted. "Do you Sirius?" the Slytherin asked, guiding the wizard's slick hand between his legs.

Sirius's eyes fell shut as he pushed a finger into the wizard. "Oh, that's nice," he said and then pushed in another. He met chocolate eyes, and he swallowed, his throat suddenly tight. "Do you love me, Greg? Really love me?" he asked, his voice rough and then he spread his fingers.

Greg groaned. He nodded adamantly. "I do - have... for so long, I've tried to stop, but I can't, I'm sorry."

Sirius dipped his chin towards his chest, the latter body part constricting at the words as he slowly pulled out. "Don't apologize," he said, his words a soft rebuke, and he grasped himself, his pulse galloping and his heart pounding. He didn't. He knew he didn't. But he felt something for him. He lined himself up, and met the wizard's gaze. "I want to," he said finally, softly. "Is that enough?"

Greg's chest rose and fell quickly, his expression unchanging. He nodded. "For now it is," he said and then pulled Sirius closer. "Fuck me, Sirius," he whispered, and he met Sirius's lips, the Gryffindor obliging.

* * *

Sirius tapped a restless finger on the wooden table top before him. He sat across from a quiet Remus in the library in one of the back corners late on the Friday night the weekend before Owls. Remus hadn't said anything since he had arrived almost an hour before. He shouldn't be complaining, they were spending time together again and got along for the most part. He should be happy, thrilled. Ever since his stay in the hospital, he and Remus had spent more days than naught together, in class and in the library, but he had spent his nights with Greg.

He chanced a glance at the wizard and then slowly leaned down towards his collar and breathed in as softly as he could.

"What are you doing?"

Sirius started, looking up to meet amused hazel eyes. "I, uh— _Nothing_."

Remus quirked a halfway smile. "I see." He looked back down at his book and began to read again.

Sirius glanced down at the DADA book he had yet to read from and then back up to the sandy-blond. He swallowed hard. "Are you upset with me?"

Remus shook his head. He turned the page to his book.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Are you sure?"

Remus slowly tilted hazel eyes up. "Why would I be upset with you?"

Sirius shrugged, holding in his response. If Remus didn't know he and Greg were shagging, he didn't really want to tell him. And that was assuming he would even care. He began to chew on the inside of his lip.

"Sirius, there you are."

Sirius's gaze jerked up to find a certain tall Slytherin walking towards his and Remus's table. He held back the unhappy look trying to overtake his expression and plastered a smile firmly in place to greet the wizard. "Hey Greg," he said smoothly, and the Slytherin took the seat beside him, responding in kind.

"All right Remus?" Greg asked in a genial tone.

Remus's gaze shifted up slowly again. "Hello Greg," he said, no inflection in his words.

The wizard didn't seem to notice as he scooted closer to Sirius and looked down at his book. "How's the studying coming along?" His hand slid under the table and onto Sirius's leg.

Sirius cleared his throat and resisted shifting away. "Ah, good. Yeah, Remus and I've been here a while."

Greg hummed, and his hand slid higher on the wizard's thigh. "That's good." He gave it a squeeze, and Sirius startled.

Greg laughed softly. "You seem tense."

Sirius nodded, resisting looking over at the sandy-blond, afraid what he'd find. Remus was fine with him and Greg, he'd said so. "Yeah, reading does that to me." He felt the wandering hand slide up his thigh, and then it dipped in and touched—" _Listen_ Greg," he said quickly as his own hand grabbed the wizard's, moving it away from a certain body part it had brushed. "I'll catch up with you later, okay? I won't be much longer."

Greg removed his hand and nodded, his expression thoughtful. "Yeah, okay." He stood up at that, stretching and his shirt pulling across straining muscles. Sirius found his eyes trailing up the wizard's body as he did. Greg grinned down at him and winked. "You know where to find me."

Sirius nodded slowly. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'll see you soon." He adjusted himself discreetly.

Greg smiled more widely at that. "Good." He fiddled with his tie, smoothing the silky green material down as he eyed Remus across the table. "Good seeing you, Remus," he said with a friendly smile.

Remus's eyes narrowed, and he nodded just once. "Zabini," he said in an almost cold tone.

Greg glanced around the space and then leaned over quickly and whispered in Sirius's ear, "Don't keep me waiting too long." And then he placed a soft kiss discreetly on his ear before straightening back up and walking off.

Sirius watched him make his way down the aisle. Greg really was quite fit—

"I fucking hate him."

Sirius looked over at Remus, his eyebrows furrowing and grey eyes surprised at the muttered words. "What?"

Remus laughed harshly and slammed his book shut, hazel eyes dark with some emotion. "You heard me. Zabini is an asshole."

Sirius blinked a few times. "What'd he ever do to you?"

Remus laughed again. "Fuck you, Sirius," he said and shoved his chair back.

"Remus, wait!" Sirius jumped up and grabbed the wizard's arm, pulling him around the corner of the table and towards him. "What's wrong?"

Remus growled and shoved Sirius with one hand back a few steps and against the wall, holding him there easily, his palm almost painfully heavy on his chest. "You think I don't know what he's doing?"

Sirius swallowed hard, and then his tongue darted out to wet his lips. "I don't know what you're talking about Remus."

And Remus growled again and took a step closer. "This Sirius," he said, and then his other hand was sliding down Sirius's leg. "Does this ring a bell?" he asked in a suddenly soft voice, his hazel eyes growing darker.

Sirius shook his head, lying, as the wizard's hand left a trail of heat behind it that made the wizard want to groan. And so he did, quietly.

Remus shifted closer. "No?" he asked softly, his lips parted and gaze locked with his. "What about this?" he asked, and his hand slid in and _almost_ grazed a certain body member—

"Ohhhh." The sound slipped from Sirius's lips. " _Remus_ ," he said, his lips voicing the collective groan resonating through his needy body as the hand continued to tease it, and he responded painfully to the missed touch.

"I know his girlfriend was the reason you and James kissed," Remus said as he shifted even closer, his lips inching closer to Sirius's. "Don't you find that just a _little_ odd?"

Sirius shook his head as his heart pounded like it might stop if the wizard let him go. "It wasn't his fault, Remus, he wouldn't do that," he whispered.

"Don't be a _fool_ , Sirius," Remus snapped, eyes flashing, "Greg's not as good of a person as you think."

Sirius tried to think as he stood pressed up against the wall. "Remus, I was the only one at fault, not Greg - or James. Me. I did that to you, no one else," he said, forcing the words from an aching chest, and then Remus took a step back, and he let out a pained sigh as he breathed freely once more, wishing back the discomfort if it meant Remus would stay and hating himself a little for it.

Remus stood quietly for a long moment, and then he shook his head. "You're wrong," he said quietly and then his expression shifted for a split-second, a look overtaking his features that made Sirius want to pull him into a hug and never let go. But then he turned away, and Sirius watched on as the werewolf gathered his books and then left, leaving him leaning against the wall of books, feeling more alone than he had in a while.

* * *

"-Sirius. Sirius, _wake up_."

Sirius's eyes fluttered open a few nights later at the insistent voice to meet unexpected brown orbs. "Remus?" he asked, confused.

The wizard before him moved away at the name and pushed himself up, sitting in a pair of boxers, his torso bare. "No. You were just dreaming," the Slytherin said quietly, not looking back.

Sirius slowed his breathing as the fresh dream flashed in his mind, Remus's heated skin against his and roughened voice as he _moved_ over the sandy-blond still very real, and he forced his senses to take in his bed and the wizard who was actually there. He cursed mentally at himself, and then he realized something. He grimaced and reached for his wand under his pillow and cast a silent cleaning charm on himself. He slid it back under, and then he reached a hand up and placed it on the wizard's back in the quiet dark.

The wizard flinched away from the touch, and Sirius slowly dropped his hand, a heavy breath escaping his lips. "I'm sorry."

Greg shook his head. "You didn't do anything," he said just as quietly.

Sirius pushed himself up and leaned in, nuzzling against the wizard's neck apologetically. "You're not leaving, are you?" He kissed the wizard's neck gently. "Don't leave."

Greg let out a slow breath, his body relaxing somewhat as Sirius peppered his sleep-warmed skin insistently with soft caresses. "I won't," he said and then turned to meet the wizard's lips.

* * *

Sirius walked beside James, Remus behind him with Peter by his side, as the four Gryffindors made their way down the hallway leading to the Great Hall for breakfast on the first day of Owls. Sirius scrubbed a hand through his hair and yawned widely. He hadn't been able to fall back asleep after his eventful dream.

"Rough night?" James asked with a laugh. Sirius grunted in reply. "Let me guess. Was there a pea hidden under your mattress?"

Sirius shoved his friend half-heartedly. "Fuck you Prongs."

James jogged ahead a few steps, grinning widely, and pulled one of the tall doors to the Great Hall open. "After you, Your Highness," he said with a flourish of the hand.

Sirius flipped him off as he strolled into the Great Hall, Remus moving up beside him. Sirius glanced over. "Hey Remus," he said with a bigger smile than he felt, the night before's dream still weighing heavily on his mind.

Remus shot him a wry grin. "Princess Black," he said simply as they walked down the aisle between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables.

Sirius's grin grew more genuine, and he draped an arm around his friend. "Don't encourage James, he'll start to think he's funny," he chided playfully, lips finding themselves tauntingly close to the wizard's ear. He shifted away slightly.

Remus laughed as they stopped at their regular seats near the end of the long table, pushing Sirius away, who quickly took the seat by the wizard instead of circling around to sit by James.

"Oi, you're in Peter's seat."

Sirius shrugged and grabbed himself a roll. "Yeah, he doesn't mind. Do ya Pete?"

Peter shook his head quickly as he followed a frowning James to the other side. "No, I don't mind at all."

Sirius sniffed. "You see? No biggie." His knee bumped Remus's under the table, and he pulled his leg in. He looked up at an unhappy James and took a large bite of his buttered roll. "What's wrong with you?"

James rolled his eyes and began to scoop food onto his plate. "Nothing," he mumbled, and Sirius grinned.

"Are you feeling okay today?"

Sirius looked over at Remus. "Yeah, I feel fine," he said softly and then cleared his throat and said in a more normal voice, "Why d'you ask?"

"I don't know, just wondering," Remus said quietly, looking away and down the Gryffindor table where the witches in their year were sitting.

Sirius took another bite, grey eyes flicking around the Great Hall when his gaze landed on an approaching red head. He swallowed his bite, black eyebrows furrowing as the witch stopped beside an unaware James. He opened his mouth to say something when Remus's hand landed heavily on his forearm. He looked over to see the wizard repressing a smile and shaking his head, the wizard's touch making his breathing spike almost instantly. "Wha-"

"James, could I talk to you for a minute?"

Sirius's head jerked back to see a wide-eyed James turning to look up at an unusually nervous-looking Lily Evans. "No," he whispered in disbelief.

"Yeah.. _Lily_?" James asked in a careful tone as he stared up at the red-headed witch.

The witch pressed lightly glossed-lips together and then said in a clipped tone, "Yes. My answer is yes."

James's mouth dropped open.

And Sirius let out a laugh, stopping short when Remus's hand tightened around his arm.

"What?" James asked, pushing himself up and looking down at the witch like he wanted to scoop her into his arms or something else equally ill-advised.

Lily closed her eyes tightly and said, "Yes... I'll go to Hogsmeade with you on Saturday."

" _This_ Saturday?" James took a step closer when she nodded. "You want to go on a date with me?" he asked, his voice filled with something not too unlike awe.

Lily nodded sharply. "Yes, I do. If you still want to, that is."

And then Sirius saw James's face break into a huge grin. "Of course I do," he said, and then he looked back at the table and then to the witch. "Do you, uh, would you like to sit with us?"

Lily bit down on the corner of her lip, hesitating only for second before she squared her shoulders. She looked back up at the tall wizard and smiled at him. "All right."

And James laughed, the sound ridiculously happy and making Sirius's own mood dip in response as he thought of the wizard sitting beside him unwillingly. Remus's hand lifted off of his arm.

"Here, you can sit here," James said eagerly, waiting until the witch sat in the offered seat across from Remus and then sliding down beside her and grinning goofily at her as he switched out the half-loaded plate before her with an empty one.

"Hey Remus," Lily said nervously, smoothing her skirt.

Remus grinned at her, the expression not a little impish. "Hullo Lily."

Lily rolled her eyes and then met Sirius's still surprised one. "Hello Black," she said, but without any of the usual heat behind it.

Sirius grinned and took a bite of his roll. "Wotcher Evans," he said as he chewed, his tone amused, "slumming it, I see."

And Lily let out a laugh. "I suppose so," she said, and then she greeted a slack-jawed Peter before shifting her gaze back up to James, who was looking down at her with a look of complete adoration. "Maybe not so much though..." she said softly.

Sirius chanced a glance over at Remus and found himself looking into hazel eyes as James and Lily began a timid conversation. He felt an uncomfortable tug in his chest, the wizard's hazel eyes looking torn between emotions. "All right, Remus?" he asked in a private voice.

Remus nodded and shifted closer, his leg finding Sirius's once more, resting against it. He nodded. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he said and began to eat.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Good. Good." And he picked up his glass of pumpkin juice as he sat, the wizard's leg pressed snugly against his, somehow sending a warmth up through his entire body, and he couldn't bring himself to move away.


	78. Chapter 78

Sirius rolled up his parchment, cast a silent sealing charm on it, and then stood up and walked out of his History of Magic class. He trailed down the mostly empty hallway alone. He was finished. He had taken his last Owl. Now he just had two more days at the school, and he'd be going home for the summer. He was still waiting on a letter from his parents to see if he could go home with James off the train, but he wasn't overly-

"Oi! Sirius, wait up mate!"

Sirius slowed his step at the sound of his best friend's footsteps, their thudding smacks increasingly loud behind him and then an arm slung around his shoulders. "Fifth year's finally over, can you believe it?" James asked excitedly, letting out a wild laugh as they began to make their way towards the staircase together.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I can."

James laughed and patted his cheek a little too hard not to qualify as a smack, making him clench his jaw. "Cheer up, mate! We're gonna have a blast at the party tonight and tomorrow is _Hogsmeade_!"

Sirius grinned begrudgingly. "Yeah, you and Evans, huh?"

James laughed again, and his arm fell from Sirius as he began to bound up the stairway, Sirius following less enthusiastically. "Yeah, I still can't believe she said yes after the last one, I'm not gonna mess it up this time though."

Sirius looked down at the stairs and nodded. "I'm sure you won't."

James's jumping stopped, and Sirius looked up at the sudden silence to meet concerned hazel eyes peering down at him. "Sirius, listen, I-"

Sirius laughed sharply. "Don't say it James." He picked up his pace when the stairs beneath him began to rumble tellingly, he and James moving to the next staircase before it could shift. He kept walking, gritting his teeth and forcing himself on when he felt like he could just sit down and stay a while.

"Pads." A hand landed on the wizard's shoulder, stopping him before he could move onto the last set of stairs. "You okay?"

Sirius avoided his gaze and nodded, lips pressed firmly between his teeth. "Yeah, I'm just tired." He pulled away from his friend's grasp and started up the stairs again. "Come on, Prongs."

* * *

Sirius continued to nudge Greg up the spiral stone staircase to his dorm, the party below in the Gryffindor common room still in full swing, laughing as the wizard made a very poor attempt to resist. "Come on, no one will even notice we're gone for another few hours," he said in a low voice, nipping at the wizard's ear playfully. "You want it rough tonight, Zabini?" he purred when the wizard leaned back against him as he fiddled with the door handle to the fifth year dorm, his coordination not exactly what it usually was.

"Yeah okay," Greg said with a grin, gasping when teeth clamped down on his neck. " _Fuck_ , Sirius."

Sirius released the wizard's neck as he succeeded in turning the knob and pushed the door wide open. "You know-" he stopped, mouth and body freezing at the sight before him.

"Uh," Greg said, as Sirius continued to stare into the dorm. Remus was kissing the _witch_ Mary on his bed, the girl straddled over him in a short skirt. "Maybe we should go."

Sirius pushed around Greg. " _Remus?"_ he said, as he approached the wizard and witch. He frowned when a glassy-eyed Remus pulled away from kissing the blonde to meet his eyes.

"Sirius," the werewolf slurred with a welcoming smile, "I've missed you."

Sirius blinked a few times, pushing away the jealousy he felt clawing for his attention at seeing the blonde witch straddling him and instead focused on his confused expression. "Remus, are you okay?" he asked as the girl began to kiss his neck. He cleared his throat.

"Sirius, leave him alone," Greg said, coming up beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "He's having a good time, just leave it."

Sirius shrugged off the wizard's hand, his lips twitching as Remus laughed, and then the witch moved back up, and her lips were on his again. "Remus. I _need_ to talk to you for a minute," he said, pressing lips together tightly when the witch began to shift over top him and Remus groaned, the sound low and rough.

"Can it wait?" Remus asked, hands grasping the witch's slender hips and helping guide her movement. Sirius clenched his teeth, holding back what felt like a scream growing in his chest.

"Sirius, just leave-"

" _Fuck off_ Greg," Sirius snapped, cutting him off, grey eyes blazing as he met the Slytherin's surprised gaze. And he shoved him back a step, hard. "Just _fuck off_."

Greg blinked. "Wha-"

"You _heard_ me," Sirius growled. And he took a step towards the unmoving wizard. "Something's wrong with Remus, and I don't _need_ to hear your _fucking_ mouth-"

"Sirius stop. Stop, I'm fine." Remus's hand was on his shoulder, pulling him back and stopping his explosion. "I-just-I-I just..." The blond shook his head, looking unsteady, his shirt unbuttoned and face flushed. "I don't. Maybe." He staggered sideways, Sirius's hand grabbing him. "I don't feel so-so-" And then he dropped against him as his legs gave out, eyes falling shut.

"Remus?" Sirius asked in panic, pulling the limp wizard up against him. The werewolf's neck rolled to the side, and Sirius's heart jumped into his throat. He was okay. He was _okay_. He leaned down, his heart pounding as he wrapped one arm around the back of the wizard's legs, lifting him and carrying him over to his own bed. He lowered him carefully.

"Here, Sirius, let me ch-"

Sirius grabbed Greg's arm, pulling the wand he had pointed at Remus's chest away sharply. "No. _Don't_ _touch him_ ," he said, his eyes growing dark.

"Sirius." Greg blinked rapidly. "I. I was just going to check if he's okay."

Lips pulled back to reveal gleaming white teeth as he snarled at the wizard, "You think I'd _ever_ trust you to do that?"

* * *

Sirius sat early Saturday morning, still in his slacks and black t-shirt from the night before, feet bare, threading exhausted fingers through sandy-blond locks, the cold floor of the dorm's shared bathroom his resting place for the past eight hours. He'd had a lot of time to think. About things. About Greg. Grey eyes fell shut. After Sirius had made sure Remus was okay, just very pissed up, Greg had told him in no uncertain terms he was through with him, for good.

He let out a whisper of a laugh when all he felt was numbness at the still fresh memory.

The Slytherin had been nothing but nice to him, was as fit as they came, and had been crazy for him and willing to support his ridiculous lifestyle - and he had fucked it all up, twice, and he couldn't manage to feel anything. There really was something wrong with him. Sirius tilted his head back, to rest on the stone wall behind him. He let out a heavy breath, and the wizard in his lap took that moment to groan and then he began to move, his eyes pinching as another groan left his cracked lips.

Sirius watched the wizard slowly push himself onto his hands and look around the room, his expression pained, stopping on the dark-haired wizard. "Sirius?" he whispered and then clenched his eyes shut again.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said softly.

Remus shook his head. He squinted blood-shot eyes. "Are we... in the bathroom?"

Sirius managed an almost smile. "Yeah. Sorry. You kept getting sick, so I finally gave up trying to leave."

Remus swallowed and then started coughing, the sound hoarse. "What happened?"

Sirius lifted his wand out to the sandy blond. "Here, I'm not sure where yours is. James is looking for it."

Remus dropped back into a sitting position and took the wand. He closed his eyes and sat quietly, his face paling. And then he took in a slow breath and lifted the wand to himself.

Sirius watched the wizard cast three spells and then hazel eyes opened, looking a lot better and much more coherent than they had in too long.

Remus held out his wand. "Thanks."

Sirius took it back and tucked it into his pocket. His gaze flicked down to his lap and then back up at the sandy blond, who was smoothing down his hair. "Feeling some better?"

Remus nodded and then looked down at his exposed chest and began to button up his shirt, a flush running up his neck suddenly. "We didn't uh.. Didn't-"

"No," Sirius said swiftly. He looked away. "I think you might be fighting a certain witch off for a while now though."

Remus frowned. "... _Witch_?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, Mary. You two seemed pretty happy with each other last night."

Remus groaned, his face falling into his hand. "Shit."

Sirius laughed, feeling anything but amused. "Don't worry, I don't think you two made it past kissing and groping."

Remus groaned again. "I remember that, why did I drink so much last night?"

Sirius shrugged as he chewed on the inside of his lip. "I don't know, Remus," he said finally.

Remus pushed himself up. He swayed slightly, and then took a step and then another until he was out of the room only to return a minute later with a change of clothes. "I made you miss Hogsmeade," he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

Sirius planted his hand and pushed himself from the hard floor, grimacing as his body ached from the long night. "Don't worry about it, I didn't want to go anyway."

"What about Greg?"

Sirius laughed. "Greg and I are over, Remus," he said, feeling morbidly amused over the end of their relationship, and a little sad just then, if the discomfort in his chest was any indication. "He dumped me. Again." He rubbed at the back of his head as he made his way for the door, avoiding the wizard's stare.

"Sirius, if I-"

"It wasn't your fault," he said, cutting him off. "Don't think it was." And then he stepped into the dorm to find his mother's favorite owl perched on one of the posts of his bed, a note attached to his leg.

* * *

Sirius sat with red curtains pulled shut on his bed top, folding the letter he had just received neatly along pre-existing creases, the message ringing in his head unwanted in his mother's sharp tone. He wasn't allowed to stay at James's. At all. His mother said he had to be home all summer, what with his engagement plans and all. He sat, not breathing and then fingers slowly began to curl in and around the letter, crushing it.

Engagement plans.

He wadded it up into a ball and then turned, looking on his bed, searching. "Where is it?" he grumbled, hands skimming under his pillow, coming up empty, and then he pulled up his cover. "Where the fuck is it?"

"Looking for this?"

Sirius stopped at his frantic searching to see curtains pulled apart, Remus looking down at him quietly, holding his wand out in offering. "It was on the floor, you knocked it off a few minutes ago." Remus's gaze locked with his. "Everything okay?"

Sirius nodded curtly as he took the wand from the werewolf. "Yeah, I'm good." He sat back down and searched for the wadded piece of parchment.

"What'd your lovely mother have to say?" Sirius looked up to find Remus holding the crumpled note in his hand. He held it out. "Knocked this off too," he offered.

Sirius took it, his fingers brushing Remus's as he did. "Nothing," he said, shaking his head. He placed the parchment on the bed sheet and then muttered a levitation charm under his breath to stabilize it a few inches above his covers. "She said nothing." He lifted his wand to cast the incendio charm but stopped when he realized the curtains were still drawn. "In or out, Remus," he said and then curtains fell shut behind the werewolf as he climbed onto the bed and took the opposite side, the parchment floating between them.

"She wrote you to say nothing?" Remus asked, his voice careful as he situated himself.

Sirius flicked his wrist and let the note drop once more onto the bed. He motioned at it with a look of distaste as if it were a dead rat. "See for yourself."

Remus reached out slowly, fingers wrapping around the wadded letter. He lifted it and began to smooth it out as Sirius sat quietly. Remus cleared his throat, and he began to read, running a hand up into sandy-blond locks, and then brows furrowed, and his hand suddenly dropped, and he stared at the note, seemingly frozen.

Sirius laughed roughly.

"Is this how your parents talk to you?" Remus finally asked, his voice tense, strained.

Sirius shook his head. "No, they're a lot more polite in letters," he said, trying for humor but mostly failing. "And when they want something," he added under his breath.

Remus looked up at that. "Does your family usually get - engaged... at sixteen?" he asked, suddenly sounding a little off.

Sirius shook his head again and laughed, the sound hollow to his ears. "No, no it's usually at least twenty," he said and ran agitated fingers up into silky black locks, fingers wrapping tightly around them and tugging as he fought to keep from losing it. "I knew they'd ask me to at some point, but not. Not yet," he said quietly. He shook his head, the movement continuing as he thought. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to commit himself to a life he didn't even want. He would be miserable. A laugh escaped his lips. _She_ would miserable. He couldn't-

"Sirius. Calm down."

Sirius blinked a few times to see hazel eyes close as hands held his arms firmly. He shook his head, his thoughts feeling too unclear like they might float away, and his chest convulsed when he tried to swallow. "She just wants me miserable, there's no other reason, Remus," he said, feeling pathetic that it hurt to say. "I can't do it yet, I'm not ready..." He trailed off and laughed again, the sound desperate and pained and mocking how he felt just then.

Remus carefully wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close to him. "It'll be okay, Sirius."

"I can't do it, I don't care about Evie," Sirius said, his words growing only more pained. "I never will, I don't want to," he said, "They'll want children. Remus. I haven't even slept with a girl, what if I don't like it?" he asked, suddenly panicked. "What if I hate it? What if I can't do it?"

"Sirius." Remus pulled back to meet his gaze. And then he closed his eyes and let out an uneven breath. "Sirius. You won't hate it. You like girls."

Sirius shook his head. "But I don't want to have children with her, Remus," he said, "I don't even want kids, I'll just fuck 'em up."

Remus pulled him close again, and Sirius found his cheek resting on his shoulder, and he tried to focus on the rise and fall of his chest as it pressed against his on each inhale. Remus let out a heavy breath.

"That's not true, you're a good person, Sirius," Remus said softly, and then he shifted down onto the bed, Sirius following him as he refused to let go. He settled onto his back, Sirius adjusting his arms so he could lay closer, and Remus ran a hand gently over black locks, smoothing them. "Can you say no?"

Sirius huffed a laugh. "Yeah, if I don't value what little sanity I have." Sirius's eyes widened in the darkened space, Remus's hand stilling on his head. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"What does that mean...?"

Sirius licked his lips as he thought. "I, uh, I just meant-"

Remus sat up suddenly, Sirius falling to the side but catching himself. "They've crucio'd you?"

Sirius opened his mouth to deny it but couldn't seem to get the words out.

" _Sirius_ ," Remus said, more sharply, his voice shaking, "they've _crucio'd you_?"

Sirius felt his head shake.

"You're lying, James - he said before, but... but he never. He didn't." Remus cursed.

Sirius swallowed, his throat dry. "Remus, I'm sorry—"

"Don't, _don't apologize_ ," Remus said, shaking his head. And then his shoulders dropped along with his chin a few inches, an uneven breath sounding unwillingly forced from his chest. "Sirius," he began, sounding pained. "Sirius, I'm so sorry. I'm _so sorry_ , I didn't know, I should have, but-"

"How would you _know_ , Remus?" Sirius asked, cutting him off, embarrassment and discomfort making him feel angry. Angry at his parents and his life. But mostly just angry at himself, and he didn't know why. "It's not a big deal. I was fine, I came to see you and everything afterward-"

" _Fine_?" Remus said sharply, hazel eyes suddenly boring into his. "No Sirius. It _is_ a big deal. And if you had told me, I-I-" Remus's hand loosed on his arm, a look of realization dawning across his features. And then he asked, his voice breaking, "It was - it was over last Christmas?" Sirius looked down, not responding. "Shit Sirius, I've - I've been so hard on you," he said quietly, and let out a soft uneven breath. "I've - I've been _so hard_ on you this semester."

Sirius didn't say anything, his eyes burning and his chest stinging. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the feelings. "No, you haven't. You've just been yourself, I don't want anyone's pity." He moved to pull away but then hands were holding his face, and he froze, finding himself staring into blue and green and golden eyes that seemed to be truly looking at him for the first time in months.

"Sirius, I-," Remus paused, his eyes pinched in a look of pain, and then they slowly fell shut as he leaned forward, and captured Sirius's lips.


	79. Chapter 79

_"Sirius, I-," Remus paused, his eyes pinched in a look of pain, and then they slowly fell shut as he leaned forward, and captured Sirius's lips._

* * *

Sirius's eyes followed suit, and his arms wrapped around the wizard on his bed. "Remus," he murmured, and then his arms tightened, greedily, and he was nudging the wizard's body down onto the bed with his own, his lips pressing firmly to his, his hands and mouth working on their own ahead of his disbelieving mind.

Remus's mouth opened when he landed, and Sirius groaned as his tongue touched his, and he slid hands up to the werewolf's neck, holding him close as he explored his mouth after so long, and then his lips moved to around his mouth, his jaw, his chin and—"Sirius, please."

Lips met again, and Sirius felt the wizard's lower body press up against his in a plea of sorts, and his breathing grew ragged and heart sped to a gallop. "Remus," he whispered, barely parting his mouth with the wizard's, "Do you want to?" He met hazel eyes.

Remus breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling rapidly under Sirius's. And he nodded. "I do. I do, Sirius. I just, I just don't want us to hurt each other anymore," he said.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I never want to hurt you, Remus," he said softly, his chest aching, "I'm so sorry."

Remus nodded. "I know. I know you don't. I just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I try to make the right decisions, but-" He leaned up to press his lips to Sirius's. "I don't want to be with anyone else." He kissed him again, more insistently. "Just you. Just you and me, and no one else, it's all I want."

Sirius nodded, wishing he knew how to fix who he was. He had been trying the first time to make him happy, to be loyal, and he wanted to promise the wizard he would do better if he gave him another chance, he wanted to say whatever he needed to get him to take him back.

"I—Remus—I don't know if I can do that," he admitted softly, forcing the truthful words out despite how unwieldy they felt on his tongue, "I might mess up again." He felt hands loosen on his shoulders, and dread shot through his veins, seizing his heart and wrapping around it, trying to suffocate him. "Don't give up on me, I _need_ you."

Remus closed his eyes tightly. "I won't. But I - I can't commit to you, not until you're ready this time."

Sirius swallowed hard, and he nodded and then dipped down to place a grateful kiss on the wizard's chin. "I still love you," he said, his voice low and rough, the inadequate words feeling like razors to his own heart. He pinched his eyes shut. "It's always just been you, Remus. No one else, I don't know what's wrong with me."

He felt the wizard's breath hitch underneath him, and fingers slid up to settle on his neck. "Sirius, I love you too," was said, and then he was pulled down to meet lips, and he shifted more on top of the wizard, and his own breath caught. "We'll figure this all out, I'll help you."

Sirius nodded rapidly, relief flooding into his very core, fingers lacing through sandy locks when a certain body part brushed his own, and he shifted and pressed his lower body against the sandy-blond's. "I've missed you. So much. I've missed you _so much_ ," he husked. And then fingers were pulling at his hem, and tugging his t-shirt up and over his head. And he began to unbutton Remus's, the werewolf helping him pull the sleeves off and then hands were on his slacks, and he was nodding his assent. "Fuck," he hissed as working fingers grazed him, his excitement surging, and he was undoing Remus's slacks, his blood pounding in his veins, and then he was pushing down his own pants, warm fingers sliding down his bare chest, making it hard to breathe as he kicked out of his slacks before grabbing hold of Remus's and pulling them off too with a sharp tug, letting them drop off the side of the bed.

His heart pounded demandingly under a heaving chest as he held himself up on his hands and knees in only his boxers, and he scanned Remus's body intensely. It was perfect. _Remus_ was perfect. He swallowed hard as his chest fluttered, a sudden anxiety making it hard to think or move. Because he wasn't. He wasn't even close. He didn't deserve Remus, it was why he had lost him not too long ago. He flinched when a hand gently pressed to his cheek.

"Are you okay?"

Unsure grey eyes met intense hazel ones, and he hesitated, his fingers twisted in warm bed sheets as Remus's brushed his hair back on one side, his breath leaving him in shallow bursts. "Do you want this, Remus?" He watched hazel eyes slowly soften, and his chest clenched painfully. "Do you really want this?" he asked. "Me?"

"Sirius," Remus said, and his hands began to tug down Sirius's boxers, grey eyes falling shut. "I will always want you."

Sirius groaned as fingers began to slide along him. "Shit," he gasped, his body responding too eagerly. "Shit. Just-just give me a minute." The hand left him, and he forced his eyes to open and body to function, his own hands making quick work of Remus's boxers.

And then he slowed down, and he carefully lowered himself overtop Remus, hissing when he made contact. He tucked his face into the wizard's neck and began to slide his lower body gently against the wizard's, trying to keep from finishing far too quickly. He placed a gentle kiss on Remus's neck and then his tongue reached out, tasting the skin just below his ear, and he groaned at the flavor, his hips still moving slowly as uneven breaths flitted across his ear. "You taste so good," he murmured, earning him a gasp, and Remus arched up against him. "You're so perfect, Remus. I love everything about you," he said, and hands grabbed onto Sirius's hips.

"Everything Remus." And then he began to move down, placing gentle kisses along scars instead of licks, down to the wizard's stomach, fingers trailing to hold him in place as he shifted even lower.

"Sirius," Remus gasped between parted lips, chest rising and falling like he was running and hazel eyes heavy as they peeked out between messed sandy locks. "What are you doing?"

Sirius licked his lips as his hand wrapped around the werewolf, who let out a low groan in response. "I want to apologize," he said simply, and then he leaned down and enveloped the sandy-blond with his mouth, tongue sliding as fingers tangled in his hair, and he began to move over him, savoring the taste and feel and sounds he had thought lost to him for good.

* * *

"You and Remus then?"

Sirius stopped packing, shooting a glance over his shoulder to find James leaning in the doorway of the dorm Monday morning, looking uncharacteristically unsure. He shrugged and then leaned back over, tossing his stuff in without looking at what it was. He had skipped breakfast to pack at the last moment, he wasn't hungry. "Yeah, kinda I guess. Where're Remus and Pete?"

"Sirius..."

He looked back up to see James sitting down on the edge of his bed, his expression still annoyingly the same. "What James?"

The wizard grimaced and then said, "I just don't know if that's a good idea... I mean... at the moment."

Sirius stood up slowly. "Funny. I don't remember asking for your permission."

James laughed, the sound tense, and he looked down at his lap as he scrubbed a hand roughly through wild locks. "Sirius, you just get so worked up over him. And Remus expects a lot."

"You think I'm not good enough for him?"

James looked up at that, his expression surprised. "Sirius, no," he said, standing up, shaking his head adamantly. "That's not what I mean at all, I just, I didn't realize last time how much-" He stopped. "I just don't want to see you get hurt again."

Sirius nodded stiffly, looking away. He forced out a held breath, his jaw flexed. "I won't. I'll be fine."

James sighed and walked over to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "All right, Pads, if you say so, I'll leave it." The wizard peered down into his trunk. "So, you're coming to mine, right?" he asked.

Sirius cleared his throat and moved away, James's hand dropping. "Sorry, I can't. Parents said no."

"Come anyway."

Sirius looked up, and he spoke slowly, his tone edged with a barely contained tension. "I _can't_ James, didn't you just hear me?"

James stared at him for a long moment, his expression unaffected by his words. "Sure you can."

Sirius pressed his lips together, a hand running up into his hair, and his head flexing to the side in agitation. " _James_ -"

"No Sirius, _listen_ , I've already asked my parents," James said quickly, "They said you could stay with us... permanently, I mean. They said _yes_. You don't have to go back home."

Sirius clenched his jaw. He wanted to. "...I can't," he finally said. "I just can't."

* * *

Sirius lay with eyes closed, his head in Remus's lap and mind a tired buzzing mess, consciousness slipping in and out of his grasp. He hadn't slept the night before even with Remus spending it with him. Fingers ran through his locks, the sound of the racing train doing its best to work against the relaxing touch but not quite succeeding.

"Remus. You _need_ to talk to him," was whispered harshly.

"I have, and he told me the same thing," was said in a matching tone, fingers stilling in Sirius's hair. Sirius let out a heavy breath, the skin around the corners of closed grey eyes pinching and then fingers were moving again, and they smoothed. "He needs to make the decision himself, we can't do it for him."

"He's not thinking straight though. You see how he comes back every year," was hissed. "Imagine how he'll be after this one... He'll be engaged." The last sentence was said like a threat, and Sirius felt the wizard he was resting on tense.

"You think I don't _know_ that?" Remus said, his tone suddenly furious, and then he paused a long moment. "I did _all_ I could do. We just have to hope for the best."

Silence settled over the cabin, the only noise Peter's chewing and James flipping through cards angrily. Remus's fingers began to card through his hair once more. And Sirius let himself drift off.


	80. Chapter 80

Sirius, it's good to have you home."

The voice rang into the dimly lit and just recently renovated room, resonating off of the solid wood floors and walls - so dark in color that they nearly looked black. An intricate chandelier hung over the center of the drawing room, its own complex oversized design preventing it from providing efficient lighting.

There was a soft crackle of the fires lit in the chandelier to exacerbate the silence very briefly following the statement, and Sirius looked over his shoulder as he turned, eyes dragging along the walls of the room and away from the almost now matching marble fireplace - from which the flames had just recently been extinguished, wisps of green smoke still lifting into the air temptingly. He met cool grey eyes.

"Father," he greeted with a polite dip of the chin and then looked back down to the tie he was adjusting, fingers tensing, as he felt too keenly the presence of the wizard standing in the doorway. They had a dinner party in less than a half hour's time, and his mother had informed him upon arrival he would be attending even though he had gotten home from the train station only minutes before. His younger brother had been excused.

"How was your year?"

Sirius looped the green material once more before tightening the knot and smoothing it down straight, swallowing down the distaste at the color. "I've had better."

"I see." There was a pause. "Something bothering you, Son?"

And Sirius looked up slowly, the suddenly colder voice setting off alarms in his head. "Yes... In fact there is." He licked his lips nervously as his father stepped inside the room in response, the door clicking shut behind him. "This engagement. I - it's too soon, Father," he blurted, hoping for understanding where he had found it before, "I need more time."

His father's gaze flicked around the impeccably clean room as if he were just taking note of its changes. "For what?"

Sirius blinked and cleared his throat, watching the older wizard begin to prowl around the space slowly. "Sir?"

His father stopped by the fireplace - the only part of the room that hadn't been changed - his gaze cool, reflecting neither positively or negatively to his request. "Why do you need more time?" he asked evenly.

Sirius cleared his tightening throat again and then spoke up. "I'm only sixteen, no one else has gotten engaged at my age."

His father looked down at the mantle top, his expression thoughtful, and grey eyes landed on the folded letter Sirius had hastily written Remus as soon as he had arrived, not knowing how long he'd be at the party and not wanting to worry him. "It's only an engagement, Sirius. Nothing will be any different."

Sirius felt his head begin to shake vehemently and his feet move him forward in protest. "But it _will_. I-" He stopped suddenly, his father's hand in the air, staying his words and movement.

Orion reached out and lifted the folded piece of parchment from the mantlepiece holding it up for Sirius to see clearly. "Afraid you'll upset someone?" he asked, point blank.

Sirius felt his heart jump into his throat, and his hands clenched. "No sir, I just-"

"Good," the older wizard said, cutting him off. And he turned fully towards Sirius, still holding the note up for him to see. "I would not normally go along with this, but the wizarding world is on the cusp of an upheaval, and it is _imperative_ we maintain our status, your marrying the Greengrass witch will help secure our place." He flipped the note over then, and studied the black wax seal idly as if he were considering breaking it. "Tell me, Sirius... Do you think I've asked too much from you over the years?"

Sirius blinked a few times. "No sir, but-"

"Have I not been fair with you," he asked quietly, cutting him short again, the words sounding nothing like a question. 

He looked up, meeting his son's unsure gaze, holding it. "Did I not look over your placing into Gryffindor House?"—grey eyes hardened at that—"Have I _not_ given you complete freedom with your, what some—your mother included—would call indiscretions over - and _over_ again?"

The wizard's jaw clenched when Sirius remained silent. "Did I _not_ turn a blind eye on your continued _consorting_ with lesser wizards after _explicitly_ forbidding it?" His fist landed heavily on ungiving stone, the angry thud punctuating the accusatory words, and his gaze flashed darkly. "I have gotten letter _after letter_ regarding _detentions_ , and _fights_ , and _frivolous pranks_ over the years," he said, his voice growing uncharacteristically heated, "and I have let you have _free range_ of your money, and spend more time at the Potter's than _here_ most breaks, not to _mention_ how many times I've taken your side over your mother's." He paused, and then his voice was cool once more, despite the lingering tension. " _Now_. Have I not been fair with you?"

Sirius nodded hesitantly as some emotion twisted deep inside his chest. "Yes, Sir... " He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

"Then give me this, Sirius," his father said quietly once more, his eyes growing wide, a gleam lighting in them, and he took a step towards him. "Give me this _one_ thing, and I will continue to look over all of it, including your," he paused then and held up the letter before continuing, his tone heavy with sarcasm, "your _budding_ relationship with your _dorm-mate_."

Sirius licked dry lips, wishing he could reach out and grab the letter. How did he know the extent of their relationship? Had Regulus—"That's for James."

"Don't _lie_ to me," was growled, "I have asked _very_ little of you Sirius, and I have been more than generous. You _will_ do this for me," he said, placing the letter addressed to James against his son's chest a little too hard. "You will do this for _all of us_. And if you don't..." He shifted closer, his voice dropping as he held the note firmly over his son's pounding heart. "You won't be the only one who will pay." He stared into matching grey eyes. "Do you understand?"

Sirius felt a buzzing in his head, an odd mixture of emotions coursing through his body as his shoulders squared and jaw flexed, and he spoke up quietly, "Are you threatening my friends, Father?"

The wizard smiled slowly at that. "No. Just one." He leaned in closer, and Sirius resisted the urge to move away. "The half-breed."

Sirius stood silently. The half breed. The _half breed_. "Don't... call him that," he said, his voice tight, and the emotions began to fall into each other, blending with each other and growing but not making any more sense as they whooshed in his ears and roared in his mind, an electric current seeming to run over his muscles, making them want to twitch.

And Orion sneered. "Why not? Does it make you angry, Sirius? You should be grateful I've let this go on," he said, taking a step back and waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Your little _obsession_ with the beast."

Sirius swallowed hard, his heart's movement growing more violent inside his chest as he processed the words meant for Remus. "He's not a _beast_. He's a person. Just like us." And then his face slammed to the side, the blow from his father's hand heavy, making his ears ring, and he staggered a step. He resisted lifting a hand to cup his reddening jaw or to wipe at his lip, iron on his tongue, as he was pinned under a hateful glare, and a wand was pointed straight at his chest.

"Don't you _ever_ say such blasphemy to me again," the man snarled. "Do you hear me? You _will_ propose to the Greengrass witch, and soon, or you will break off all connections with the _werewolf_ ," he spat. "And if you disobey me, I will hunt him down. I will hunt him down like his kind should be, like my father did and my _father's father. And no one will care_."

Sirius stood in silence, fury and hatred rising inside him like a dizzying storm, bubbling alongside with an ice-cold fear in his lungs and in his mind, and he couldn't tell which emotion was stronger. He had seen him kill before, his uncle, and he hadn't given it a second's hesitation or shown any regret.

" _Sirius_."

Sirius met his father's icy gaze.

"Do you," the wizard asked quietly, grey eyes swimming in complete darkness, his wand still pointed at him, "understand me?"

Sirius dipped his chin just barely, the movement almost imperceptible. "I understand — _Sir_ ," he said in a rough voice.

The wand lowered. " _Good_. You have until the end of summer." The wizard took a step back. "Clean yourself up before we leave."

Sirius watched on as his father turned and strode from the room before crouching down slowly and picking up the letter he had written to Remus off the floor.

He watched fingers smooth it out carefully, his mind feeling oddly blank.

And then an image of the wizard's soft smile and kind eyes pushed itself to the forefront, and he tried to picture how the sandy blond would respond when he told him he was engaged to be married.

_Just you. Just you and me Sirius._

Remus's words whirled in his head as he slowly pushed himself up.

_No one else, it's all I want._

The tall wizard walked woodenly to the door, folding and placing the letter inside his pocket, and closing the door behind him silently. He needed to clean up.

* * *

"Sirius...? Sirius, what are you doing?"

Sirius turned around as he stood in only a pair of James's gym shorts. He couldn't stand anything that belonged to him anymore, it made him feel a little crooked, not straight. Not right. He tilted his head loose-jointedly to one side.

"Sirius?"

He held up his hands, one holding a bottle of firewhiskey and the other a smoking cigarette, he gestured at the dark walls of his bedroom. "Decorating, it's a bit bland in here, with all the black, don't you think?" He tapped his cigarette, letting the ashes fall to the hardwood floor, and then placed it back between his lips. He picked up a motorcycle poster that reminded him of the one he had at school. He would be back there in two weeks. Hogwarts. Remus. He shook his head to clear the unwanted thought and stumbled sideways, catching himself on his nightstand before falling and knocking off a pile of unread letters.

"Whoops," he said around his cigarette as he righted himself, spilling a little of his drink in the process. "Where should I put this one, Reg? On the ceiling over my bed maybe?" He turned to show the wizard the picture, grinning salaciously when his thirteen-year-old brother's eyes widened at what he saw. He held it out at arm's length for closer inspection. "Ah, so you're into birds then? I should have figured. Y'want it?"

Regulus looked over his shoulder and into the empty hallway as if he expected someone to be there, and then back at Sirius. "You like birds too, Sirius," he said quietly - but with a tone like he was willing Sirius to agree. His expression was wide - ever the prodigious good child.

Sirius shook his head as he took a deep drag, he blew it out into the room, smiling widely as it filled the once pristine space. It was stagnant before, suffocating, _he_ had been suffocating all summer, but now... Now it was chaos, just like him.

It fit.

"Sirius, you're going to the party tonight... with Evie, right?" Regulus asked as he approached him with a wary expression. "And do what Father asked of you."

Sirius let out a barking laugh and took a large swig. Asked. Proposal. Evie. Weddings. Remus. "Not hardly. She hasn't got a cock, Reg."

Regulus's expression grew grim, making Sirius laugh even harder. He really was too serious for his taste. It was good that they had grown apart. He didn't need him, he didn't need anyone.

"Sirius, you're just drunk. I'm going to get you a sobering potion."

Sirius let out a sharp laugh and dropped the poster in his hand to grab his brother by his shirt when he made to turn away. "No. No, I _won't_ drink it," he said, suddenly not happy but angry, _very_ angry.

He pulled him closer, snarling at his younger brother, alcohol-tinged breath making the thirteen-year old flinch. "You think I'm going to do that sober? Do you think I _could_?" he asked, his hand tightening around the material.

"Sirius, I don't-"

"You're fucking wrong, this is _why_ I'm drinking, Reggie," he hissed. "I'm _trying_. I'm trying _so fucking hard_. I'm always - _always trying_ ," he said, his words suddenly trembling slightly, because he didn't want to try anymore. He paused, breathing in as his mind snapped back a little. He swallowed, collecting himself as much as he could and released his brother's shirt, realizing how insane he must sound.

He took another drink before setting it down and walked back over to look down at the posters spread out on his bed. He'd had a long summer. He picked up a Gryffindor one he hadn't bought, tracing the capital 'g' with his pointer finger. James must have. James, he was probably with Remus and Peter right then. Remus. He lifted the House poster and charmed it to the wall directly over his headboard with the sticking charm he and James had found. His parents would loathe it, just like they did him.

He felt sorry for it. His eyes began to burn.

"Sirius, I'm - I'm worried about you. You haven't been right all summer."

Sirius's shoulders shook, he found the statement oddly funny for some reason. But not really. More so sad. A bubbling laugh escaped his lips. He was so confused. He reached a hand up, fingers lightly touching the edge of the proud red banner on his wall. Maybe it would have been better if he had been sorted into Slytherin. He belonged there, he had no courage. Maybe that was where his life had started to go wrong. He wished he could talk to Remus, but he couldn't. "Remus is going to hate me," he said in response, voicing the only thought that was still constant in the jumbled mess that was his mind. He would hate him once he found out he had proposed to Evie, he knew he would. He didn't fault him though. He hated himself for it. "He doesn't know it yet, but he will, and then I'll be all alone."

"Your friend Lupin? Why would he hate you?"

Sirius shook his head. He should have known it would come to this one way or another. He dropped his hand, swiping up the firewhiskey and taking a drink. Maybe it was for the best. If it had happened after they had been back together longer, it would have hurt more—his chest ached—if that was even possible. "I love him," he whispered, because it was true, he had to despite how fucked up he was, there was no other explanation, "I love him, Reg, I don't want anyone else." A hand was pushing his face up, his chin having been resting almost on his chest.

"Sirius, don't _say_ things like that here." Worried grey eyes stared up at him, the emotion in them nearly foreign - until he remembered they belonged to his brother. "Mum and Dad might hear you," Regulus continued, "and they will _not_ let you off easy. Do you _hear_ me? Not to mention what they would do to Lupin. Just pull yourself together for tonight."

Sirius felt himself nodding. He sniffed and his chest heaved. His nose was runny. He rubbed at it and then his cheeks. His hand coming back wet. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Forget I said it." He turned away from his brother and wiped at his face roughly again before grabbing another cigarette from the pack on his bed. He needed to get himself together. For Remus. He lit the fag and then took a deep drag. He missed Remus.

He picked up another poster, eyeing a row of tan bikini-clad muggle girls lying in a row on a white sand beach on their stomachs, obviously topless. "This one can go overtop the mirror."


	81. Chapter 81

Sirius sat on the edge of his bed in a pair of new black slacks, crisp white shirt almost fully buttoned but for the top two, and grey eyes trained on the solid Slytherin-green tie in his hands. He didn't know what he should do anymore. He knew what he wanted, but that had always only gotten him so far, and then he would have repercussions to deal with.

He began to wrap the tie around his right hand, cutting off blood flow, and his mind flicked back to the day he had apologized to Remus in third year, and grey eyes clenched tightly, remembering when Remus had asked to kiss him after he had screwed it up for them far too many times. He had been a huge asshole. He hadn't deserved his friends that was for sure.

The young wizard glanced down at the over half empty bottle of firewhisky on the floor by his nightstand, its company cigarette ashes and spilt liquor - and a messy pile of unopened letters.

He pushed off the bed and crouched down, hands a little shaky as they reached out for the scattered notes addressed to him, picking up one after the other until he had them all. 

And he stood back up, grabbing his wand from the nightstand, and walked over to his door, muttering the sealing charm along the entire seal of the top of it and then slowly drew it down until he was at the floor, tracing its seam too. He stood up, casting a silencing charm on the entire room as he made his way back to his bed. And then he sat, pushing himself back to the headboard, and he set down the pile of letters beside him, excepting the one on top. And he studied the writing.

It was from Remus, there was no doubt.

Fingertips brushed gently over the lowercase 's' at the end of his name. It was his favorite, because he couldn't help but smile the way Remus always paid it just as much attention, if not more, as he did the first one of its kind, even though it was at the end and wasn't even an uppercase. He ran the tip of his index like a caress over the fully-formed swervy letter, Remus's usually smooth hand writing a little unsteady, and when he reached the end, and his hand fell away he felt like something inside him broke along with the contact, and he saw fat drops begin to fall on the letter.

What was he doing? What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he seem to _ever_ make the right decision, even when it was there for the taking? "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck."

He blinked rapidly, stopping the tears from falling anymore but couldn't stem the painful sting in his eyes or the growing pressure from the knot inside his chest. He let out a slow breath, and he began to look around his bedroom. Grey eyes roamed over the once depressingly bare space, seeing the recently added posters on the walls, one covering most of his mirror with bodies that didn't even hold much interest for him anymore, and then they dropped to the floor to find it a mess.

And he laughed.

He laughed because it all felt like déjà vu somehow even though he had only just done it, and the sound was breathy and a little weak - but with an awareness that had alluded him until just then.

He stood up, grabbing his letters along with him, and walked over to his trunk. He clicked it open and threw them in. And then he pulled his shirt off, cursing when it got stuck around his shoulders, but he managed to rip it off, and threw it on the floor. He grabbed up a black t-shirt, the first one he had bought in fifth year and couldn't help but shake his head. He had started to get it right so many times, how had he kept losing it? And then there was a knock on the door - and a deep voice. And he remembered.

"Sirius, are you ready? Your mother and Regulus have already left."

Sirius quickly grabbed a few more items off the floor, not paying attention to what they were, throwing them in, and then slammed the trunk shut, casting a locking charm on it as the door began to shake again.

"Sirius... what are you doing in there?"

And the young wizard jumped up, swallowing hard, because he was afraid. Pure and simple. He always had been. The doorknob was being fiddled with.

" _Sirius_. I _know_ you can hear me. Open this _now_."

He took a step back when the solid door shook suddenly but held at its seams, bowing inward the slightest bit in the middle. He turned back, shrunk the chest, hoping there was nothing too important in there that would suffer from the charm. And then swiped it up, placing it in his slacks' pocket as he righted himself—And the door suddenly broke into splinters, flying into his room, and he turned away as sharp pieces grazed his exposed skin, cutting at it uncaringly. He looked back to see Orion Black glowering as he stood in the doorway with his wand out - and Sirius felt his own wand arm snap up.

" _What_ do you think you're doing?" Orion demanded, as he stepped carefully into the room, eyeing Sirius with deep suspicion, who took a step back in response.

Sirius licked suddenly dry lips, his wand arm staying held up at his explicit command, his fingers vibrating with anxiety as they clenched around the wand that he was pointing at his father. He watched the older wizard closely. "I'm leaving, Father."

And his father laughed, the sound dark and unworried and making Sirius want to doubt himself.

The young wizard shook loose the unwanted feeling. "I _am_ ," he insisted, possibly for his own benefit as much as his father's. "I can't stay here anymore, it's driving me _mad_ ," Sirius added, for some reason wanting to explain himself as his chest ached traitorously.

Orion sneered at that, his wand still pointed at his son. "Leave? You can't leave," he said lowly, "This is your home, and you _need_ me. Where will you go, where will you get money, Sirius? How will you live?"

Sirius shook his head. "It doesn't matter." And he steeled himself as his father smiled almost lazily at that, like he knew him better than he knew himself, and he almost believed him again. He shoved the weak thought from his mind forcefully and let out a silent breath. "I'd rather _starve_ than stay here any longer."

Orion's expression shifted at that, and he slowly lowered his wand, Sirius's hand clenching around his more tightly in response, not trusting him. "Is that so?" he asked, his tone conversational.

Sirius nodded slowly, eyes wide with a single-minded determination, and he couldn't tell if he was being brave or insane at that very moment. "I'm afraid so."

His father sniffed and nodded in a seemingly understanding fashion, making Sirius shift slightly. "Is this because of the Greengrass witch?"

Sirius didn't respond, feeling unsure. Was that the only thing spurring this on? Would he regret his decision?

"Sirius," the man said as he met his gaze, "if you really don't want to get engaged that much, then we'll delay until next summer."

Sirius's wand tip remained steady as he considered the offer, and it was suddenly his turn to laugh, and it was tinged with an incredulous anger and tiredness, a tiredness that sounded a lot like weakness, but they were nothing alike, because he realized something as he stood, squared off against his father. He had only been weak before by choice, maybe not at first, but for a long time now it had been the only thing stopping him, holding him back, because he had thought he had no other choice, that he wasn't strong enough. But that was a lie.

"That's not why I'm leaving," he said, his tone growing more sure.

"No?"

Sirius shook his head forcefully. "No." He met matching grey eyes, eyes that resembled his so much, but for one very important thing, and he said, "I'm leaving... because I don't want to become you. Not. _Ever_." He saw his father's wand start to shoot up and twisted his, a silent charm racing through his mind, and the next thing he knew his father was still. Like a statue.

He found himself walking towards him, until he was standing nose-to-nose with the man whom he had once loved, but he couldn't quite remember it anymore, and he felt a sick twisting pain in his chest as he was met with only hatred in the familiar gaze, and an icy darkness began to creep into his heart as he thought on what he could remember.

The hurt. The fear. The rejection. The _pain_.

_So much pain._

He leaned in closer, stilled grey eyes seeming to dance with animosity even through their immobility. "I should kill you now," he said, lips twitching as he lifted his wand and pressed it to the man's chest, "you've made my life miserable, and you've threatened the only people I care about."

And he closed his eyes and let out a slow breath as something inside him that had appeared at the mention of his friends began to fight the dark tendrils wrapping around his chest and seeping into his brain, fighting to stop him. But he didn't want to stop. It would be so easy. And if he did it, he would inherit everything, he wouldn't have to struggle. And everyone he knew would be safe.

He dug his wand deeper into the white shirt, his jaw clenching as he fought with himself, fought to keep the numbed thoughts firmly in place even as they continued to waver. "I _hate_ you," he said and then growled when a trickling of pain seeped into his chest at his own words. "I hate you so _fucking much,_ " and then his eyes tried to force themselves shut as the pain grew. " _Fuck_."

He took an uneven step back, and his free hand ran up to pull hard at midnight black locks, his movements mimicking his struggling mind at that moment. He shook his head. This was wrong. This was so wrong. And then an anguished growl tore from his chest as the numbness inside him shattered into a million tiny pieces, leaving only pain and regret, and making him feel weak once more without the numbing fury to block it all out. No. He clenched his teeth together, jaw muscles flexing, and he squared his shoulders, not willing to give in to the emotions this time, and determination began to surge forward, slowly gaining strength - and grey eyes rounded up, locking with his father's.

He stepped forward once, and then again, and he pulled his father's wand from his hand; the wand he had used on him and others, and then he walked backwards, never taking his eyes off the man until his back was almost leaning against the window. He pushed it up and then accio'd his broom from under his bed. And then he tossed his father's wand out the window, listening for it to clatter, the sound surprisingly insignificant, weak, on the stones below before his lips were murmuring the counter-curse he had used to quiet him.

His father jerked forward a step immediately, but then froze when Sirius's wand was once again pointed on him. "You, you ungrateful _bastard_ ," he hissed, expression distorted in complete rage, "How dare you! Do you even _realize_ what you're going to lose? The money? The _power_ , Sirius? Think about what you're doing! What all you're about to throw away! And for what?! What could _possibly_ be more important to you?!"

Sirius shook his head at that, his emotions having only quieted the louder his father's voice had grown. He felt almost sorry for him. "You don't know me at all, do you?" And Sirius couldn't help but feel a dip of keen sadness at the words, his father's expression only wavering for the shortest moment. "All I've _ever_ wanted from you or Mum was for you to care about me... That's all."

He paused, knowing he was making the right decision this time, even as harsh words of disgust were spat at him, the wizard finally able to block them out enough to keep his ground.

"I'm leaving now, don't worry, you'll never have to see me again," he said quietly, and then he leaned out the window and swung onto his broom and took off into the night sky, no longer the Black heir.

* * *

Sirius didn't really remember much of showing up at James's or being brought in and given a room, his own, which he was currently in, grey eyes staring dully at a bare white ceiling. But he did remember the bone-deep exhaustion when he had finally landed, the almost painful relief when James had pulled him inside without a question, the bittersweet appreciation as his best friend's parents had doted over his wounds worrying over the visible as well as the not so visible ones like his never had in his entire life.

And now he was here, _safe_ , lying on a bed with Gryffindor red curtains closed around him, on top of matching sheets that probably covered an equally themed mattress; the sun outside doing its best to once again claim its time in the sky - and he just felt - nothing. He couldn't feel his limbs, or his breath, or his pulse. _Numb_.

"Sirius?"

Grey eyes darted to pulled curtains, and a believed dead heart sprang to life. He sat up, smoothing unusually wild hair, and just when he had convinced himself he had been hearing things the curtains were being tugged back, letting a greyish light spill into the dark space. And Sirius met unfathomably deep hazel eyes. "Remus," he breathed, his voice hoarse.

And the wizard surged forward and onto his bed, strong arms pulling him up onto his knees and against him into a fierce hug. "I was so worried about you," was whispered as hands tried to grab onto him more tightly, like he wasn't solid somehow and might slip between their grip. "Sirius, _I've been so worried about you_."

And Sirius let his arms wrap around the wizard's upper body, and he shook his head, not able to respond as emotion after emotion began to unwind from somewhere deep inside him that he hadn't even known existed and surface as if the wizard was drawing them from his very core. He pushed his face down into soft material, hiding it, and he felt his chest begin to shake, and arms tightened even more, and somewhere he knew it should be painful, his grip, but instead it felt like it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart as his pent-up emotions began to spill forward one after the other, carrying the painful memories with them that had born them. He felt a hand in his hair, smoothing it.

"It's okay, Sirius. It's all going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just thought I'd let you know there's a video for this story made by silenteccentric. Here's the link! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG2ilDjkk3k


	82. Chapter 82

Sirius lay with his left arm wrapped securely around a quiet Remus and his right one stretched up, fingertips brushing light-blocking curtains, so his front could press flush with the wizard's back as they shared a pillow on top of his new bed. He let out a slow breath, his eyes heavy and tired but feeling nothing compared to his frayed and buzzing mind, but he still couldn't sleep.

He had left home. Ran away. He had told his father he hated him, that he despised who he was, he hadn't even said his goodbyes to his mother or Regulus - although he doubted his mother would have wanted one. His chest tightened despite himself. And now the only money he had was what was in his spending vault, and he had no idea how much was actually in it or how long it would last him, or even if he had lost access to it somehow by leaving. And the more he actually thought about it all - surely nothing more than a black burn mark on his family's tapestry as he lay in a bedroom at Potter Manor with possibly no galleons to his name, his tired body molded to Remus's - the more he couldn't believe how long it had taken him.

"Sirius?"

Grey eyes jerked open, the wizard not realizing they had closed. He blinked a few times. "Yeah Remus?" he asked, his voice rough, but from what he wasn't exactly sure. Fingers began to trace over the back of his hand, the one resting on the sandy-blond's chest, and he tightened his grip, hugging him.

"Just checking if you're still awake," Remus said, quietly.

And Sirius's lips slowly pulled themselves up at the corners to form a soft but genuine smile for the first time in what seemed ages. "Yeah, I'm awake," he said, matching his low tone.

He placed a kiss on the wizard's neck halfway between soft sandy locks and the collar of his white t-shirt, letting his lips linger as he breathed in deeply, his senses flooding with the soothing scent. "Why'd you want to know?" he asked, and his hand began to wander, Remus's fingers following along for the ride as it moved down to smooth over lean abdominal muscles, stopping to rest just above the wizard's waist line. He slid his left knee forward, edging it between Remus's legs.

"I..." The wizard paused, clearing his throat as Sirius slid his knee higher. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No — I really don't," he said and then gently rocked his hips forward, his leg moving with it and pressing up between parted legs, earning him a soft gasp, and Remus pushed back against the movement. He dipped his chin to place soft kisses on the wizard's neck again, nudging aside his collar with exploring lips to find more skin to claim as he began to move his lower body in a rhythmic fashion. "S'that feel okay, Remus?" he asked softly.

And Remus nodded in front of him. "Yeah, that's - that's nice."

Sirius's smile returned. "It is, isn't it?" he said, his words getting more breathy as his body began to demand more oxygen, blood flow increasing, and his hand slid down further so he could touch—Remus groaned and pressed back against him harder, Sirius grunting his approval in response and thrusting forward to increase the delicious pressure. " _Remus_ ," he said, his voice growing more rough and possibly needy too, and he pulled his hand out and set to work on the wizard's fastened slacks with agitated fingers. He needed more.

"Sirius wait," Remus said, even as his zipper was slid down. "Are you sure this is a good i-" He groaned quietly.

Sirius was sliding his palm over cotton boxers, feeling the wizard's excitement beneath, as he continued pressing himself against Remus's welcoming backside. "This could never be a bad idea," he whispered, and when the wizard groaned again, it sent a tingle all the way down his spine and to his toes, and all he wanted was to hear it over and over. He carefully slipped under an elastic waist and then his fingers found silky soft skin to wrap around, eliciting the noise again, and his eyes tried to fall shut as the rough notes danced over his body, teasing it with its phantom touch. "I want you," he said, his words low and full of meaning, and he pressed up against him again, "I want you, Remus. _So bad_."

Remus's hips jerked harder as Sirius's hand tightened around him inside his slacks. "I. I don't know... It's been a while."

Sirius pressed his lips to Remus's neck, holding them there as a surge of excitement shot through him again that made his breath quicken and thoughts grow less tangible, and he had to wait for it to pass. "How long?" he asked. And his hand slid out and began to nudge at the wizard's shorts ever so slightly in a downward fashion as he waited for the nerve-wracking answer. "How long's it been?"

"Since you," Remus said, grabbing and tugging them back up the inch they had slipped. "I've only ever done that with you."

Sirius groaned, his thoughts growing more fuzzy despite his efforts, and his eager body part pressed against Remus as he tugged gently at shorts again, asking, and he bit back another moan to say, "Please Remus, I'll be careful, I swear. I _need_ you."

And then Remus's shorts and pants were sliding down, the wizard's hand having let go to let Sirius's have its way. And he hummed in excitement, giving up when they were just below his knees to roll onto his back, pull his shirt off over his head and push down pajama pants. He rolled back over with one pant leg still wrapped around his right ankle and was rewarded with an expanse of bare olive-tone skin. He pressed grateful lips to the wizard's shoulder as he slid his hand down a bare arm and when it grasped firmly onto hip his stomach muscles flexed, and his lower body pushed up and forward, and he moaned against heated skin that felt far too good pressed against his not to belong there. "Remus, I've missed you for _so_ long now," he whispered, and the wizard pushed back against his next thrust.

"Even... even when you were with Zabini?" was asked.

And Sirius's breath hitched, because the question was heated, but not exactly like anger. He licked his lips before responding quietly, "Especially then," and then Remus was twisting his neck to meet his lips in a kiss.

Grey eyes fell shut as lips parted immediately, and Sirius's tongue slipped in, Remus's meeting it instantly, and he pressed hard against the wizard's backside, and he groaned. "Fuck Remus," he breathed when their lips parted, "you make me _so_ fucking hot." And he let go of the wizard's hip to search for his wand behind him, finding it peeking out from his abandoned pillow. He cast a hurried spell on himself before he accio'd a tube from his open trunk to his impatient hand.

Remus's hand wrapped around the back of Sirius's neck, and he pulled him into another kiss as Sirius fought with the lid, his fingers fumbling blindly. And then Sirius's slick fingers were sliding over his own sensitive skin, preparing it, before they reached down to find Remus as his pulse sprinted through his veins in anticipation.

"I _hate_ you did all this with him," Remus said, holding him just an inch from his lips, hazel eyes dark.

And Sirius shook his head, pressing his middle finger in slowly, grey eyes falling shut as it began to sink into tight velvet heat that made his lungs forget how to work for a moment. Perfection. "It was _nothing_ like this," he said, his heart pounding like it wanted to crack his ribs. "I promise."

"Not even close?" Remus asked, his breath sounding as unsure as his words.

Sirius tilted his chin and pressed his lips to the wizard's cheek gently. "No." And then he placed a whisper-soft kiss on his cheekbone. "Not even _close_ ," he said and then captured his lips again in a deep kiss as he carefully pressed an index in too, and when the wizard moaned into his mouth as he curled his fingers just so inside him, he swallowed it, and did his best to graze against the same spot with each thrust of his hand that followed.

"Sirius," Remus gasped, his lips falling away and head turning, dipping forward once more, and Sirius bit down on his entire lower lip and spread his fingers apart, Remus's answering noise sliding down and into a certain body part, making it jump as if on command. "Sirius, _please._ "

"You want it?" he asked. "Tell me you want it." He slid his fingers out carefully, his hand wrapping around himself. And the next thing he knew his hand was falling away, because Remus was pushing himself up and wrapping his legs around his hips as he looked down at him, his hands on either side of Sirius's face.

"I want it," Remus said in a low voice, his hazel eyes glittering with an intensity that made Sirius feel like he could see straight into his soul, like he could touch it if he wanted. "I want _you_ ," he said, holding his gaze as he leaned back onto his knees and situated himself over Sirius.

Sirius licked his lips, the position just like their first time and making his heart start to dance inside his chest a little funny, because Remus hadn't offered to do it like that again - until now - and he wasn't sure what to make of it. And then Remus's hand wrapped around him, and he groaned and pushed up into the touch, and he was pressing against slickened skin that slowly gave way as Remus lowered down on top of him carefully, his breaths ragged and eyes clenched shut.

Sirius held himself perfectly still, only half way in, fighting against the urge to thrust into the wizard as he tried to acclimate. "You, y'okay?" he forced out, his chest rising and falling under demanding lungs, and he reached a hand up and gently ran the pad of his thumb along the wizard's cheek until he reached soft hair, the wizard nodding silently. "Just try to relax," he said softly.

"I _am_ ," Remus said and started to lower again, Sirius's hands moving to the wizard's hips as he continued to be enveloped more and more in a tight silky embrace that made the wizard want to simultaneously finish right then and never finish at the same time, because he didn't want the feeling ever to end. " _Fuck_ Sirius, have - have you gotten bigger?"

And Sirius let out a surprised laugh, the sound rough but happy, a grin splitting his face even as Remus broke into pained laughter in response, hazel eyes opening to meet his grey ones as their bodies finally came together completely. Sirius shrugged one shoulder, careful not to move his lower body, reveling in the solid connection he felt at that moment with Remus. "Maybe," he said, "Or I'm just really hard," and then he felt his heart skip a few beats when Remus laughed again, the sound a little deeper, more relaxed. And he looked up into tight but amused hazel eyes, and his chest clenched almost painfully, making it hard to breathe. "I love you, Remus. No one else."

And Remus let out a slow breath and nodded jerkily, his chin falling forward to hide his face with sandy locks, his hands pressed into the bed, holding him leaned over the wizard. "I can't lose you again, Sirius... You don't understand how much you mean to me."

Splayed long fingers tightened their grip on olive-hued hips, Sirius's right thumb gently running over a new scar stitched overtop lean muscles, and his chest filled with warmth at the wizard's words despite the tension still there. "Then show me," he said. And then a slow drawn-out groan fell from his lips as Remus began to do just that, moving over him and making him question that they had ever been apart, because he would have been a complete fool to _ever_ risk losing all this. " _Remus_."

* * *

"That was amazing," Sirius said with a sigh, lying on a sofa beside James, his feet resting in the wizard's lap.

"Yeah, my mum's been taking cooking lessons," James said, slouched down into the piece of furniture in his room, his right knee bouncing. "Why'd Remus leave?"

Sirius shrugged. "Said he needed to pack for school, but he'd be back tomorrow or the next."

"Ah." James's hand began to tap a fast beat on the top of Sirius's socked foot, and the wizard shook his foot in response.

"Stop that James." Sirius closed his eyes. He could take a nap, he was exhausted after still not having slept since the night before he had arrived, almost forty hours was too long to be still awake.

"Let's do something fun," James said.

Sirius yawned. "I'm tired."

A hand flicked his little toe hard.

"Fuck, Prongs," Sirius growled, smacking the wizard in the chest with his foot. "Leave me alone."

James shoved his feet off his lap and onto the floor. "Then stop fucking cuddling with me," the wizard snapped.

And Sirius's eyes opened slowly. "What's got your panties in such a bunch?"

James shrugged, the movement exaggerated, and Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's just..." James ran a hand roughly through his hair. "I'm just bored. Come on. Let's go out."

Sirius sighed and pushed himself into a sitting position. He looked over to his best friend, who was still scrubbing a hand through his wild hair, looking more unsettled than usual. And he found himself nodding reluctantly. "Yeah. All right, just let me shower first."

"Excellent," James said, jumping up and practically bouncing in place.

* * *

 

Sirius stood leaned back against a wall beside James with a glass in his hand, sipping a mixed concoction, contents unknown, as his best friend shot back his third drink like it was water.

The tall wizard glanced around the busy pub, tables full and dance floor even more packed, music nodding along to flashing lights. It was the same one they had gone to his first time visiting muggle London, and a smile tugged at tired lips when he remembered who they had ran into there and their bathroom conversation, finding it entertaining without the lingering bitterness that had once accompanied that night tainting it. A witch. His smile grew. He really was a fool when it came to Remus-

"This is nice, isn't it? Just you and me?" James said a little too loudly only inches from his ear, slinging an arm up around his shoulders. "Prongs and Padfoot?"

Sirius nodded, looking down at the cracked cement floor as the contents of his cup sloshed around from his friend's jostling. "Yeah. It is."

James's arm dropped. "No need to make it convincing."

Sirius looked up, brows furrowed. "James, are you feeling all right?"

James laughed, the sound a little manic even to Sirius's ears, and he shook his head. "What kind of question is that, Pads? Of course I am. I just need another drink," he said, grabbing Sirius's sleeve and pulling him towards the crowded bar.

Sirius waited, staring down at his drink as people bumped around him, James yelling his order over the loud music at the bartender and by the sounds of it had just ordered another one for Sirius, or two for himself. And he felt his chest tighten, because he couldn't help but feel like maybe he should have told Remus he was going to go out drinking with James, ran it by him first. Would he care? James was his best friend after all, but he had also been a very big factor in his and Remus's break-up, and this felt eerily familiar. But then again, he was living with him now, so Remus couldn't expect him to check in with him about this type of thing... he didn't think. Maybe he had been a little quick to move in with James, although it wasn't like he'd had a lot of options. He scratched at his chest when the discomfort began to grow.

Sirius felt James's hand on his shoulder suddenly. "Sirius?"

Sirius's brows furrowed, and he glanced around the room. He felt off. He shook his head, and he found James shooting him a concerned look. He blinked a few times. "What was that?"

"I've been talking to you... are you okay?"

He nodded. "Ah. Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking," he said, brushing off his friend's concerns, the drunk wizard giving up quickly when a girl walked by and waved at him.

* * *

"Can you _believe_ that driver?" James asked with a laugh some hours later, his arm wrapped around Sirius's shoulders as they trudged up the stairs to their rooms.

"No. He was mad," Sirius said, laughing alongside his best friend as they stumbled their way up the stairs, the night a blur of music and colored lights and his and James's laughter after he had finally been able to loosen up. He stopped for a moment halfway up, leaning his weight on his friend when he lost balance but quickly righted himself and shifted away. He continued on, reaching the top of the stairs finally. "Right. I'm going to bed," he mumbled and began to move off when footsteps sounded behind him. He looked over his shoulder as his hand laid heavily on the doorknob. "What?"

James blinked. "Can't I come in? I'm your best mate."

Sirius pushed the door open and trudged in. "It's your house." And then he was turned around, standing in the room James's parents had given him the day before and looking into James's eyes.

"Sirius," he said, his hands resting on the wizard's shoulders.

Sirius studied his friend in confusion. "Yeah James?"

James sucked in a breath, screwed his face in a grimace and blurted, "I'm sorry I never sucked you off."

Sirius nodded slowly. "It's okay..."

James shook his head, and he leaned in closer, bringing his face close enough that Sirius could smell his gum. It was mint flavored. "No it's _really_ not. I'm sorry."

Sirius carefully removed the wizard's hands, feeling suddenly very ill at ease. "Listen Prongs. I'm tired."

"I'm serious," the wizard said, pulling him close again. "And I'm sorry for messing things up with you and Remus when I kissed you and... all that."

Sirius found the right corner of his mouth curling up despite his discomfort. "All that?"

James nodded, dark eyebrows lifting. "You know what I mean." And then he sighed, and his next words sounded like they were almost painful to force out. "I just. _Hell Sirius_. I'm attracted to you." He paused as if he were waiting, and grey eyes widened skeptically. "For _real,_ I mean it, even if I like birds a _whole lot more_ \- I am. I just. When I realized it, I didn't want to admit it so I just tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn't actually there, because there was Remus and Lily and we're best mates and all - and I _know_ I should have told you anyway and repaid the favor when we kept doing that stuff so you wouldn't feel used, and I was a huge jerk for lying to you about it. But I'm telling you now."

Sirius's expression turned wry, despite feeling oddly much better at the wizard's unexpected confession. "And why are you telling me this, James?"

"Because." James let go of him then and made his way over to Sirius's bed, dropping down onto it with a huff. He scrubbed at his hair as he studied the floor. "Because a lot of things really... I just—Fuck, I just don't want you to think that what I did, how I treated you, was okay - or meaningless. You deserve better than that, and I'm really sick of Remus being pissy with me all the time but I get it, I do. But mostly, I don't want things to be weird between us anymore, or for you to feel bad about yourself over what we did just because I'm too much of a pansy to tell you the truth." He looked up. "You're my best mate, Sirius, I know you have Remus too, but you're pretty much it for me."

Sirius sat down beside the agitated wizard. And he looked over, his gaze locking with James's. "What about Pete?"

James laughed and shoved him. "Don't be a git." He sighed heavily. "I mean it though, I'm being honest here. I want to get everything out and move on."

Sirius nodded. He thought for a long moment. "So you wanted me to fuck you then?"

James grinned at him, his tongue pushing against the inside of his cheek as he bit on it. "I'm pretty sure I would have been the one doing the fucking, Sirius."

And Sirius laughed, hand smoothing at his hair as something inside him relaxed he hadn't even noticed was tensed before that moment. "Remus kind of hates you," he admitted.

James let out a sharp laugh. "Yeah, I know Pads." He scrubbed his hair. "What should I do?"

Sirius thought for a few beats. "I don't know." And then he shifted closer to his best friend. "You've always got me though."

And James nodded. "Thanks Sirius."

Sirius dropped back onto his bed, his legs hanging over the edge and toes touching the cool floor, feeling still drunk but not sick, and he was soon joined with James, his arm settling against his comfortably.

"I just worry Remus will make you choose some day... between me and him, you know?" The words were followed by only the sound of quietly alternating breaths.

Sirius exhaled slowly as he finally acknowledged the concern, because he had thought the same thing before. "No. No, he won't," he said firmly.

James turned his head to look at him. "How d'you know that?"

Sirius stared up at the ceiling, feeling guilty but evidently not guilty enough for his answer not to be true. "Because he knows what I'd say." Because there was _no way_ he could choose between them. He needed them both now, whether he should or not, he did.

The wizards lay quietly at that. The silence between them heavy and comfortable somehow at the same time, Sirius fiddling with the collar of his t-shirt between his thumb and index as James messed unruly midnight locks.

"Prongs?"

"Yeah Pads?"

"Thanks for this." The wizard motioned at the bedroom around them. "For everything. I don't know what I would have done without you."

James huffed a laugh. "Sirius, you're my best mate, I will _always_ be here for you. No matter what."

Sirius nodded, his chest filling with warmth and edging away some of the emptiness he had been struggling to ignore ever since he had left home. "Same here, James. _Always_."


	83. Chapter 83

Sirius's lips tugged upward at the corners, and he set folded parchment on his dresser top before pulling his shirt off over his head and tossing it in a clothes hamper nearby, enjoying the feel of the manor's magically cooled air on his bare torso as he stood in just a pair of black shorts. It had been hot the past two days since Remus had left, unbearably so. He and James had spent their time in the refuge of the ground's oversized pond - using their brooms as diving boards to keep it from getting too boring - when they couldn't manage to hide out in one of their rooms. James's parents were insistent they be outside as much as possible when the sun was out. However, James's parents had left an hour ago and wouldn't be back until the next night, and he and James were taking full advantage.

Sirius smoothed dark locks, reaching out with his other hand to pull out the second to the top drawer of the long cherry wood dresser, Aunt Dorea having had his trunk unloaded the day before, saying it wouldn't hurt to settle in until school time. He began to rifle through it for a t-shirt, the one he knew Remus liked most, not because he had ever said so, but because he always seemed to look at Sirius a little longer than usual when he wore it. The expression around his mouth grew more prominent as fingers grabbed hold of soft material.

"What'd Remus have to say?" James asked offhandedly.

Sirius tugged the azure-colored shirt over his head before turning to find his best friend lazily watching his practice snitch buzz around above him as he lay sprawled out on his back, taking up as much of Sirius's bed as possible in a pair of red gym shorts and a white t-shirt, eating a cherry red popsicle, the gift Sirius had passed on to him years back obviously having been charmed recently to stay at arm's reach. "Says he'll be here tonight," he said and strolled over to his bed to drop down at the bottom, landing on top of James's bare feet.

"Ah." James's hand shot up and snatched the hovering golden ball from the air, the wild-haired wizard eyeing it casually as it continued to struggle in his grasp. "Anything else...?"

"Like what?" Sirius asked, and then he let out a laugh, flinching away when toes lifted, poking him sharply in the back. "Yeah, she's coming too," he said, appeasing aggressive feet.

And James shot up. "Are you serious?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at the red-lipped wizard.

"Sirius. Don't mess with me. Remus _honestly_ said she'd come? To stay the night?"

Sirius rolled onto his side and looked at his friend, the excitement in his eyes making Sirius bark a laugh. "Yeah Prongs, Evans is coming."

* * *

"Hey guys," Remus said, stepping out of dying green flames with a warm smile as James and Sirius sat on either ends of the sofa in the Potter waiting room fighting for leg space, having taken up residence there almost an hour before per James's demands.

" _Moony_." Sirius grinned, letting his head fall back as he leaned against his arm rest, and he eyed the approaching sandy blond in a white polo and pair of khakis appreciatively, flames bursting once more to life behind him to allow a certain red-head's entrance, and James shoved off his leg to jump up.

"Lily!"

Remus stopped just in front of him, his lips quirked slyly, and he shot a glance over his shoulder at James and Lily before looking back down to him. "Are you two drunk already?"

Sirius's lips pulled back to reveal gleaming white teeth. "Of course not." He reached out and wrapped his thumb and index gently around Remus's wrist and tugged him a few inches closer until the sandy blond's legs were pressed up against cushion. "Good thing you came. James's parents left us to watch over the house tonight. They've gone out of town for a party," he said in a private voice and started to coax the werewolf down on the couch with him when James dropped back down at his feet, making Remus back up a few steps and grey eyes to narrow.

"Yeah, we're going to have a blast," James said, leaning back and smacking Sirius's foot idly when the wizard kicked him in the hip. "What do you say Evans, up for some fun?"

Lily moved up beside Remus, arms crossed over a flowy white tank top that covered most of khaki shorts. "Yeah okay, what do you have in mind?"

James let out a loud laugh, Sirius breaking into a grin.

* * *

"Suck... and blow?" Lily asked slowly several hours later, red eyebrows pushing down to convey their disapproval but not quite managing the desired affect due to the copious amounts of alcohol she had consumed. Lily Evans, Sirius had discovered, was not quite the goody-two-shoes she liked everyone to think she was. The four Gryffindors had spent most of the evening in James's father's study, eating pizza and washing it down with charmed firewhiskey along to loud music as they lamented the end of another summer. They'd just made their way upstairs, and were all in James's room.

James nodded eagerly, pushing open the door to his balcony all the way and letting in a rush of muggy air, and then he made his way over to the witch and dropped down on the floor to her left, a single playing card in his hand. "Yeah, you've not played it?"

The witch shook her head, green eyes shooting up to gauge Remus's response.

Remus shrugged as he sat on the bed with Sirius's head in his lap, his hand threading through black locks and causing Sirius's eyelids to droop at the relaxing touch. "It's a kissing game."

Sirius grunted a laugh, an unpleasant warm breeze brushing over his skin briefly. "Yeah, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Prongs," he muttered, lips not wanting to move much as he enjoyed Remus's touch. He lifted a hand and waved his index in a circle to vaguely encompass the four wizards. "How're we going to sit?"

James hummed as Lily frowned beside him. "Well, uh... Ah."

Sirius laughed as his best friend's expression began to finally drop. "Yeah."

Remus's hand stopped and fingers laced in Sirius's locks, giving it a little tug before the wizard above him sighed. "I'll play, I guess."

"Really? Thanks Moony!" James said, perking up instantly as Sirius's mood began to dip, and Remus tapped the back of his head, and he pushed up onto his hands to watch the sandy blond walk over and lower onto the floor, across from Lily and James.

"You coming, Sirius?" James asked, and Sirius's gaze flicked between the three wizards.

He stood up and walked over slowly, eyeing the set-up, not sure where he should sit. He glanced down at Remus, wanting him to choose for him.

"Sit _down_ , Sirius," James said, the card between his fingers wiggling back and forth impatiently.

"Ah," Sirius ran a hand up into his hair, smoothing it down. "Where...?"

James laughed. "Wherever you bloody want," he said, clearly agitated.

Sirius took a step and then another and sat down between Remus and Lily, and he shot a forced smile at Remus. "Fancy seeing you here, Moony."

Remus grinned and shifted closer, laughing softly, not seeming in the least concerned.

"Okay, let's start," James said, holding up the card excitedly. "Rules are... You suck on the card until you try to pass it to the person to the right of you and then you blow as they suck. Simple."

Lily smoothed her shirt down over her knees and glanced around at the three boys. "That's all?"

Sirius laced his fingers through Remus's and pulled his hand up to his lips to place a small kiss on the side of his wrist as Remus spoke up. "No. If you drop the card, then you have to kiss the person."

"With tongue," James added quickly.

Lily glanced from James and then to Sirius and let out a laugh, shaking her head. She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Let's start," she said, sounding like she was already regretting her decision.

James grinned, scooting closer to the red-head. "Get ready to suck, Lily," he said to the witch, who Sirius knew he had kissed only a few times, and quite chastely to his constant lamenting. He placed the card to his lips, suctioning it to his mouth as he leaned in, and the witch took the card with her own without incidence. She turned quickly to Sirius and leaned in, Sirius scooting forward and pressing lips to the card, holding back a laugh at the odd sensation as he sucked on it and taking the card from her before turning to Remus and feeling Remus press his mouth to the card, and then it was gone.

Sirius watched Remus turn and press the card to James's lips, and James startled at the contact and jerked back, the card falling between them.

" _Shit_ ," James cursed as Lily laughed and Remus groaned. Sirius watched silently as James let out a breath, and leaned in quickly to press his lips to Remus's, their mouths both opening, and he swallowed as he watched the two kiss for a few beats before pulling back.

"That was hot," Lily said softly as Remus and James both backed away, looking to be in shock.

And Sirius let out a surprised laugh, grinning at the witch beside him, who returned the expression impishly. "Yeah it was," he quipped easily, ignoring the slight discomfort in his chest. It was just a game.

James cleared his throat and picked the card back up, turning to Lily, who took the card easily, and she turned to Sirius, leaning forward but before Sirius could meet her, the card fell.

"Oh no," Lily said, sounding distraught even as Remus chuckled by Sirius's side, James scowling ever so slightly. She looked up into grey eyes. "Sorry," she said with a grimace.

Sirius hid his growing discomfort and shifted closer, bringing his hand up to rest on the witch's neck gently as he tried to calm down. He licked his lips. "Don't worry about it," he said and then leaned down, bright green eyes shutting as Sirius tilted his head to the side and pressed his mouth carefully to plush lips. He felt the witch's mouth part under his, and his own opened, their tongues touching timidly, and a hand brushed over his cheek lightly as he began to toy with a soft red curl that had been tickling his hand. He pulled back after a few moments, placing a small kiss on still slightly parted lips softly. "Thanks Evans," he murmured before pulling back all the way and then swiped up the card and turned to Remus. The werewolf was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Remus?" The werewolf didn't blink. Sirius frowned, and he looked to a blushing Lily and then over to a glowering James when he growled what sounded like his name. "What? It's part of the game," he said, confused.

"Pads..." James said his name again, more slowly, "I'm... going... to kill you."

And Sirius pushed himself up when James started to stand. "What'd I do?" he asked, not any less confused, taking a step back even as Remus stood up too, still not looking like he was completely there. "It's a fucking game, Prongs," he said even as the wizard began to stalk towards him, and he moved backwards in response.

"You fucking asshole," James said, hazel eyes dark.

"You kissed Remus!" he said, still not sure what he had done.

"James, stop," Remus said, his hand on the wizard's sleeve, obviously holding him in place as James's growl grew. "He didn't mean it."

"The fuck he didn't!" he shouted, turning back to Sirius to say, "I thought you only liked cock, Sirius!"

Sirius's mouth dropped open, and then grey eyes began to narrow. "Fuck you James."

"No! _Fuck you_ Sirius!" he shouted and then turned to Remus and pulled him into a kiss, both hands holding a clearly shocked Remus on either side of his face as he began to kiss him aggressively.

Lily gasped from her sitting place on the floor, and Sirius gaped as Remus made no attempt to pull away, letting the wizard attack his mouth.

Sirius felt a low rumbling in his chest, his vision narrowing, and he advanced on his best friend, shoving him off Remus's lips and then tackling him to the floor. His fist making contact with the wizard's fucking mouth over and over. "Fucking _bastard_!"

* * *

"Sirius?"

Sirius exhaled slowly, a cloud of smoke filling the space in front of him as he sat on the balcony outside James's room, his left eye pulsing, the skin undoubtedly bruising. He sniffed and tapped the cigarette over the edge as he stared out at silhouetted grounds.

"So you're not talking to me either?"

Sirius huffed a laugh and then closed his eyes as he took a long drag, focusing on the increasingly warm feeling transferring to his somehow chilled lips as he drew flames closer. He felt a body settle down beside him, and he slowly blew out, pushing the smoke out of the corner of his mouth and away from the sandy-blond.

" _Sirius_ -"

"Don't say it," Sirius said, not sure if he was going to apologize or comment on his smoking or ask _him_ to apologize to James or just tell him he was pissed off at his flipping out, because Remus'd had to drag him off James. He sniffed. It didn't matter really, because he didn't want to hear _any_ of it at that moment. He began to fiddle with the filter's edge with his thumbnail, studying the wispy line of smoke rising slowly as Remus sat quietly beside him. "Do you like him?"

Remus sighed. "Of course I don't like him, Sirius. What kind of question is that?"

Sirius shrugged and placed the cigarette back between his lips, inhaling deeply, and then he spoke around escaping smoke. "Looked like you do."

"Yeah. Well, it looked like you kind of fancy Lily."

Sirius let out a clipped laugh, shaking his head. "Whatever Remus." He stubbed out the last of his cigarette, smashing it into the whitish stone beside him even after red embers dimmed completely to black.

"Sirius, I was angry. Okay? I should've pulled back, but after seeing you and Lily, I just..." He trailed off.

Sirius looked over finally at the sandy-blond. "It was part of the game, Remus."

Remus nodded. "Yeah. It was," and then he paused, looking down at his hands, before continuing quietly, "But Sirius. It didn't look like it. You were so, you were so gentle with her."

Sirius licked his lips, Remus's words obviously pained and making his anger recede, like it had never actually existed. And he stared down at dusty stones. "And that upset you?" he asked somewhat numbly and a little unsure.

Remus shrugged, a wry smile playing at his lips. "It's hard to explain. But yeah."

Sirius nodded and then shifted closer. "I'm sorry, Remus," he said, his words low and rough as too many emotions warred for a place in his chest for it not to be confusing.

Remus shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. For James."

Sirius felt the wizard rest his head on his shoulder. "It's okay," he said, pressing a kiss to sandy locks. Because it was even if it still hurt to remember. Because he had kissed James before, and it hadn't been for a game either. And to make things worse it'd been when they had been an actual couple. And then he added quietly what he'd been thinking over just before Remus had found him, "It's not like we're a couple, right?"

The wizard beside him didn't say anything, the only proof he had heard the words a slight tensing of his muscles.

"Remus, I'm not good at all this. So just tell me what exactly the rules are for what we're doing here."

"Rules?" Remus asked in what sounded a careful voice.

"Yeah," Sirius said, wrapping an arm around his waist. "We're not a couple, but we're together. So what does that mean exactly?"

"I don't know..."

Sirius pulled the wizard closer and pressed a kiss to his temple, the action making his chest ache. "You want to see other people, Remus?" he asked, voice rough. Remus shook his head, and Sirius placed a gentle kiss to his jaw, lips lingering. "You want me to see other people?" And Remus shook his head again, the movement quicker, less hesitant.

Sirius nuzzled against his cheek, grey eyes closing, and a burst of breath escaped him when his lungs expanded too much to bear before he could force out, "Do you just want to be with me until you find someone else?" Hands grasped his face as Remus turned to look at him.

"Sirius stop it," he said firmly, sounding upset.

Sirius swallowed hard, his heart pounding heavily in his chest, and his lungs felt too full as he met hazel eyes. "Are you planning on leaving me, Remus?"

Remus closed his eyes. "Sirius. No. I. I don't want any of that."

Sirius leaned in closer, hands following the movement. "Then tell me," he whispered against Remus's lips, "tell me what you want from me, and you can have it."


	84. Chapter 84

Sirius found himself alone and still fully dressed, wide awake on his bed at Potter Manor in the middle of the night, because Remus and Lily were bunking together in the guest room on the main floor. Remus had told Sirius he felt bad leaving Lily alone when she was upset, because she hadn't broken things off with James yet, but she hadn't ruled it out yet either.

He sighed and rubbed at his face, wincing and pulling away when he forgot about the sensitive skin below his eye, regretting not letting Remus heal it when he'd offered. He and James hadn't made up yet either, instead only exchanging glares when Sirius had left the balcony to walk through and out of his room. Which was fine with Sirius. The wizard's lips pulled to the side.

A whooshing sound pulled the wizard's attention to the center of the room, and he found a large black owl sitting on the corner of his dresser, staring at him.

"What the—?" Sirius pushed himself off his bed and moved towards the bird that belonged to his family warily, more than a little shocked someone in his family had written him. The owl turned its head away when he reached out, and he began to undo the ribbon around its ankle. And when it was free it took off silently as Sirius looked down at the letter addressed to him in his hands.

He hesitated for only a moment before flipping it over and breaking the Black family seal, and then grey eyes began to run over elegant script that looked almost identical to his own, disbelieving.

_Sirius,_

_I'm not sure if you want to hear from me, but some things have happened over the past few days that I thought you might want to know. First, mother has taken to her bed since your leaving. She's refusing to eat anything and has blamed father for not stopping you, she's really upset you left._

Sirius closed his eyes for a few beats as his chest constricted. It wasn't true. She had never cared before. She was probably just upset over how it would look. How it would affect their status. He forced out a held breath and continued on, his hand beginning to shake ever so slightly.

_Second, Uncle Alphard has fallen very ill. Father mentioned it at breakfast today after getting an owl from him. I know you'd been somewhat close to him before you started school, and I didn't want you to find out through the Prophet._

Sirius began to worry the inside of his lip with sharp canines as he continued on to the final paragraph.

_I know that I've not been what would qualify as a good brother to you, but I never wanted you to leave. I miss you. We all miss you, father too. He hasn't been quite the same since you left. He doesn't talk at all some meals, and he's stopped accepting visitors to the house completely. Maybe you could come back, there's only a week until school starts, and I think mum and dad would just be relieved you were back, after that_ _you've only one more summer at home. Think about it. Please._

_Your Brother,  
Regulus_

Sirius set the note down, his breathing so slow and shallow it felt like he wasn't actually breathing as he picked up a plain piece of parchment off a nearby stack. He slid over a quill and ink well, dipping his quill in black ink before setting it to parchment.

 _Regulus_...

* * *

"You're a bloody bastard."

Sirius ran an agitated hand through wet hair as he stood with a towel wrapped around his hips an hour later, having hoped a hot shower would help him relax. It hadn't. He eyed James from his bathroom doorway, the wild-haired wizard sitting on Sirius's bed, face clean of blood but his chin bruised nicely still for some reason. He nodded finally, biting down fully on his lower lip. "Yeah, I know." And he walked over to his dresser quietly, and a loud sigh greeted his bare back that made discomfort bloom in his chest, because he could tell James had already forgiven him, and he hated that he had for some reason.

"Sirius..."

Sirius pulled on a pair of black pajama pants from his top drawer before letting the towel drop, and he leaned over to swipe it up, tossing it in the nearby hamper as he righted himself. He glanced at the still unsent note to his brother on his dresser and picked it up, sliding it on top of folded clothes before closing the drawer back.

Sirius looked to his friend at the sound of his name spoken a second time, and he lifted black eyebrows that felt unusually heavy. "Yeah James?" he asked, quietly, sounding defeated to his own ears, and he couldn't help but wonder how he sounded to the wizard who he treated as terribly as he would an enemy whenever he lost his temper. He didn't deserve friends like James, and he definitely didn't deserve his charity. He met serious hazel eyes with his own unsure grey ones, and he felt his heart drop into his stomach. He didn't deserve a lot of things.

James stared back at him for a long moment, his expression unreadable, and then he shook his head and pushed back to lean against the wall, scrubbing at wild locks as he said tiredly, "Don't do that."

Sirius swallowed hard, the words only making the feelings inside him expand, and he forced out a dry laugh, trying to release some of the pressure. "Don't do what?"

"What you're doing," James said more forcefully. "I can feel the self-loathing from all the way over here, Pads. So we got into a fight." Sirius looked away sharply, his jaw flexing. "So you beat the shit out of me. I deserved it. I was being a right git. Kissing Remus like that."

And two of James's words decided to have a little fun with him and began to run on a loop in his frazzled mind. Kissing Remus. Kissing Remus. James had kissed Remus.

He held out a slow exhale when his lungs tried to force it out more quickly. Because just being reminded of what had happened made him want to hit his best friend all over again, and he didn't know why. His muscles tensed as intensifying feelings began to shift into something darker, messing with his thoughts. Because James could probably take Remus away if he wanted, he was a way better person than him, he could take him and then leave him too, and he'd have _no one._ He'd be all alone, without friends, without a family—the wizard shook his head, struggling to stop the unwanted thoughts. He knew they weren't true, he did. He took a step back when he wanted to move forward. He needed to keep it together, he needed to-"Just go James."

"Sirius," James said, and then he was near Sirius, standing just in front of him, and Sirius had to hold himself still, not trusting himself, as he fought the pitch-black feelings that had begun to course furiously through his body that were meant for the wizard before him. He forced his gaze to the floor. James was his best friend. "Sirius...?"

Sirius didn't respond, his hands closing into fists when a hand landed on his right shoulder, and he wanted to kill him. Not hit him, not beat him up. He wanted to kill him. He shrugged the hand off roughly and moved back again not meeting the wizard's gaze. "Just _leave_ me _alone_ ," he said quietly, voice tight.

"Sirius. I didn't mean to hurt you. I mean... I _did_..." James said, sounding guilty but then he quickly added, "but not like that, I didn't know it'd upset you so much, I wasn't thinking clearly."

And Sirius's gaze swung up along with his hands and they were wrapped around James's neck before he could process any of it, his mind roaring in rage as darkness rolled in and took over, not even trying to restrain it as everything else was blotted out, and he snarled at the wizard. James'd wanted to hurt him, he had _trusted_ him and—"You want to hurt me James," he said lowly, his grip tightening and scrambling hands were pulling at his squeezing grip, a wildly racing pulse hitting his thumb annoyingly, "do you? Is that what you want? Do you enjoy it?" Fingers tightened more. "You think it's _fun_? You think it's a _fucking game_?"

"Sirius— _No_!" James coughed, choking and pulling at Sirius's hands even harder. "I... S-stop! I - I can't _brea-the_."

" _Good_." Sirius clenched bared teeth together and his hands followed suit, and then his name was gasped once more, a spike of fear piercing through his clouded thoughts - and wide hazel eyes suddenly registered clearly in his vision, and his hands dropped as quickly as they had raised.

James leaned over, coughing and cursing as Sirius tried to think, some thoughts trying to escape, others trying to force their way in, and they were all whirlng in his head, making him feel dizzy.

" _Fuck_ Sirius."

Sirius felt a held breath escape his lungs without his consent as he watched his friend struggle to stand upright, and he began to shake his head. "James. I'm. I'm," he said, confused and light-headed, his breaths coming too quickly. "Fuck. I'm so. Fuck," he said again and took a step back, his legs shaky and mind equally unstable. He was losing it. He was-

"Sirius, stop." James coughed, the sound hoarse. "Stop, I'm fine."

Sirius swallowed hard, his throat scratchy, and he clenched his eyes shut as his chest began to shake roughly as laughs tore mockingly from his chest, each one only making him feel worse. What was he-

"Sirius. For fuck's sake. _Look at me._ "

Grey eyes opened at the familiar words as hands held the wizard's arms at his sides, and he met hazel eyes. Breathing ragged. "Remus?"

"Sirius. No. No it's me James," was said, the emotion behind the words making Sirius's chest ache painfully, and then, "Prongs, Padfoot, _Prongs_."

Sirius grimaced and then nodded jerkily. "Right. Right," he said, because it sounded right, at least he thought it did, and then he stood silently as his mind began to slowly reconnect with his senses, and he felt James pull him closer. He stood, tense, as James held him. The action feeling weird and wrong but necessary too somehow, and he wasn't quite sure if he was trying to comfort him or just contain him. And then he remembered why he might need contained, and he felt his chest heave. He should have never left home, he was just like his father, maybe Regulus was right. He tried to push away. "Shit, I need to leave, I-I can't stay here anymore—" James held him tightly.

"Sirius calm down, all right? You're fine here. You don't need to go anywhere."

Sirius shook his head as if trying to shake his thoughts back into place. "No I'm not. I shouldn't have left home, James, what was I _thinking_ , I-"

"Sirius. _No_ -"

"It's true!" he said, suddenly panicked, "I. There's clearly something wrong with me!"

"There's nothing wrong with you," James said quietly, his words more determined than actually sure, making a broken laugh bubble from Sirius's lips, and he tried to pull away again, but James held tight and continued on, "There's _nothing_ wrong with you, Sirius, I promise. You just got upset, and we were fighting earlier, and you've had a _really_ rough summer, but you're _going_ to be _fine_. Do you hear me?

" _Sirius_ , do you hear me?"

And Sirius wanted to believe him, because he didn't want there to be anything wrong with him despite how much it felt like there was at that moment, despite what he had just done. And he didn't want to go back home, so he nodded and then let his head drop on his best friend's shoulder finally. "I'm sorry, James," he finally whispered, the words feeling wholly inadequate, and a hand began to run over his back soothingly. " _I'm sorry_."

"I know you are Pads. So am I."

* * *

"Looks like they've made up."

A low humming noise of assent followed the wry statement.

Sirius groaned and rubbed his face into soft material, refusing to open his eyes as his arm tightened around the warm torso beside him, snuggling closer, and he breathed in deeply—Grey eyes popped open. A noise of surprise fell from his lips, and he scooted back from an up-close and startled-looking James. And then he remembered the voices and shot a look over his shoulder to find two only slightly amused Gryffindors. "Remus," he said and then his blanket hit him in the face as James scrambled from his bed.

"It's not what it looks like," James said quickly, and Sirius left the blanket over his face.

"And what's it look like James?" Lily asked hotly, James spluttering in response. "Tell me, who's bottom? Remus wagers it's you and so do I."

" _Lily listen_ -"

"Don't ' _Lily listen_ ' me!"

Sirius closed his eyes as he blocked out their conversation, feeling too burnt out to even listen in on a fight, and then the bed dipped beside him, and the blankets were lifted but not pulled off as he was joined underneath, the spot beside him being filled with a warm body. "Moony," he greeted cautiously.

Upturned lips pressed against his cheek. "Padfoot."

Sirius felt his own lips draw up tentatively even as the conversation outside the blanket grew more heated. "Evans doesn't sound happy." A chuckle tickled his ear, easing some of the tension from his grin.

"I agree." And Remus placed a kiss on his ear that made a shiver run down his spine and into his morning problem.

"You don't seem upset though," he hedged and then a warm hand began to slide down his stomach, seeming to agree with his words and adding hot air to his rising hope.

"'Cause I'm not." Curses from outside the blanket accompanied a hand wrapping around Sirius, and the tall wizard's hips jerked up as a groan slipped from his lips. And Remus murmured, "I'm tired of fighting."

"Shit Remus, _me too_."

"What the fuck are you two doing under there?"

And Sirius let loose a rough laugh as Remus snickered silently into his neck, his hand undeterred. "Practicing potions of course," Sirius half groaned, making Remus's chest shake harder against his side.

"Are they...?"

Remus's resolutely quiet lips began to caress his neck, and Sirius cursed, rolling on top of Remus and looking down at him, finding the wizard smiling impishly up at him, and so he rolled his hips down against his, pushing him into the bed and earning him an audible moan from the wizard. "Y'like that Remus?"

"Yeah, I'd say they are. You two are complete deviants."

Sirius barked a laugh and continued to move against Remus, who looked like he was going to laugh but groaned again instead. Sirius's tongue flicked out to wet his lips as he watched Remus's neck arch back as he pressed his head into the pillow beneath him, his eyes closing and fingers tightening around Sirius's sides. And then he said in an undisguised breathy voice, "You sure that's not you and Evans you're talking about Prongs, we're not the ones listening in."

And then there were quick footsteps and the door shut, and Remus let out a held in laugh as Sirius flipped the blanket off his head so he get could get some cool air, but more importantly, a better look at the wizard beneath him. He felt hands slide under his pants, and he leaned up, the blanket falling off him completely as he pushed his pants down and off.

"Why'd you take your pants off?" Remus asked in an overly innocent voice, still lying on Sirius's bed in shorts and a white t-shirt, looking up at Sirius with wide eyes.

Sirius laughed as he situated himself on his knees, hovering over the blond's hips completely undressed. "I was hot," he said, and then his hand wrapped around his neglected body part, and he began to stroke it slowly. "Aren't you hot, Remus?" he asked, the words low and breathy.

And Remus shook his head slowly, his gaze having shifted to watch the wizard's moving hand. His tongue darted out and wet his lips. "Not really," he said in a rough voice.

Sirius grinned down at that, tips of gleaming white teeth showing themselves, his hand continuing to slide back and forth. "No?" he asked, and Remus shook his head again, the movement almost imperceptible as if he didn't want to mess with his point of focus. Sirius felt his breath hitch when hands gently settled on his thighs but didn't move up. And he tightened his grip, gaze running over the wizard greedily despite his state of dress until it settled on the wizard's fitted shirt. "You look really good in white, y'know that?" he said a little breathlessly.

Hazel eyes shifted up, and their gazes locked, and Sirius groaned as his hand continued to move, tighter. He was _so_ close.

"I like wearing white," the wizard said simply. And then he grinned slowly.

Black eyebrows shot up as Remus's hands slipped around the backs of his legs and began to pull him closer. And Sirius's breath shook his lungs as he was guided further up the wizard's body, stopping once he was hovering over Remus's chest and neck. And he tried to hold back so he could say, "Are you sure?"

Remus nodded immediately. "Yeah. _Do it._ "

And Sirius's chin dipped as he groaned out the sandy-blond's name, forcing hooded grey eyes to stay open as he complied, white ribbons decorating the wizard's face and neck so prettily he wanted to take a picture to remember it by, and Sirius went weak in the knees. He dropped onto his hands as his heart began to slow, his lungs not yet having gotten the message. " _Shit_ Moony." And then he laughed, the sound breathy and a little disbelieving, and he scooted back down to help Remus clean up.


	85. Chapter 85

"You wanted to see me, Aunt Dorea?"

Sirius stood with hands shoved deep inside the front pockets of black shorts just inside the kitchen's doorway at Potter Manor. It was only four days before school was to start back up, and James and Remus were upstairs in his new room, playing a game of wizard's chess on his bed. The tall wizard had been there too only minutes prior, lying with his eyes closed, head resting in Remus's lap, when a house elf had appeared to request he meet his aunt in the kitchen.

"Sirius, yes," the slender woman said warmly, smiling at the wizard from across the high-ceilinged room, her darkly-peppered hair pulled up in a loose bun and a white apron tied around her waist. She opened a tall cupboard in the corner of the room and began to pull box after box from it. "I was hoping you might help me make some cookies."

Sirius's hand lifted to smooth black locks down as grey eyes took in the large, open space with honey-stained cabinets that matched its floor, and white marble countertops that glimmered under the mid-day sun shining through the room's tall and numerous windows.

And then they shifted down to study the hardwood floor around his feet, the sun's rays from the skylight just above warming the back of his dark blue shirt uncomfortably, prickling at the sun-kissed skin just above his collar. He was nervous, despite James's parents having been nothing but kind to him since he'd arrived the week before, unannounced and in the middle of the night, and he didn't know why. "Cookies?" he said, hesitant.

"Yes. You do like to eat them, don't you?" she asked, an answering smile in her voice, the sentiment behind it impish.

Sirius huffed a whisper of a laugh, and he looked up to meet twinkling hazel eyes, grinning somewhat sheepishly. "I do... I've just never cooked before though."

The woman nodded knowingly as she opened the door to a large ice chest, pulling out a carton of milk and a few differently sized boxes and placed them on the marble top island behind her. "Well," she said, closing the door and then wiping hands on her apron, "we'll have to do something about that then. Won't we?" She walked over to Sirius and lifted from a hook on the wall a matching apron but for some pink flowers along the trim, holding it out to him with a look James might offer him on the heels of daring him to streak across the Quidditch pitch.

He took it from her with a gamely smile, pulling it over his head and then tying the hanging strings at his waist behind his back. "All right," he said, "show me what to do."

Dorea laughed, the sound amused and exceedingly warm. "You're a good sport, Sirius," she said and then she began to make her way around the kitchen, pulling out more of the things they'd be using. "Could you get me a glass bowl from up there?" she asked, pointing at a cupboard beside the wizard.

"Sure," Sirius said, pulling down a large mixing bowl from the top shelf as he let out a slow breath. It was definitely a new experience interacting with a parental-figure in such a laid-back manner. It was nice. He set the glass bowl on the marble beside the ingredients, and after washing his hands he soon found himself measuring powders and pouring liquids under her guidance, feeling a little like he was in Potions.

"All right," the witch said, leaning forward to take a look at the contents of his bowl, "now it's time to mix. Dig in."

Sirius lifted dark eyebrows, grey eyes searching, no spoons to be found on the counter space. "With what?"

She looked at him. "Your hands. Don't tell me you're afraid to get dirty?"

Sirius grinned at that, lowering his hands into the cold, wet, and somewhat slimy mixture. "And here I thought James got his personality from Uncle Charlus." He felt a gentle swat to his shoulder, making his grin grow.

"Are you excited to get back to school next week?"

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he continued to work on the mixture, a slight tension making itself known in his chest. He'd never really cared before about school starting back, had always been excited really, because it had meant he wouldn't have to be home anymore. But he had enjoyed his time at the Potter's, and he wasn't in any hurry to see Regulus—"Ah, I suppose so."

"That looks good," Dorea said by his side once more, peering down into the bowl. "You can wash your hands off now. You know..." she said as Sirius began to wash up at the sink, "I think you might be a natural at this, you're going to make some girl very happy. I bet you've got quite a few admirers to choose from."

And Sirius laughed, picking up a yellow and white checkered hand towel resting by the sink's edge and drying his hands. "Actually, I'm not really _available_."

He walked back over, and took the silver, rounded spoon she held out to him and began to scoop out dough to put onto the pan like she was, the witch complimenting his work again. The sixteen-year-old wizard shook his head, feeling a little uneasy with the unusual sentiment she seemed to use so liberally. "I always wondered why James has such a high sense of worth," he joked.

"Nonsense. Now. Tell me about this girl who's won you over," Dorea said, her voice taking on a more matter-of-fact tone to it. "Is she cute?"

Sirius smiled slowly as he carefully placed another rounded mound of dough, and he said, his deep voice a little softer, trying to hide his hesitance, "Yes... he's very cute."

A long pause followed the statement, the silence a heavy sort of quiet as the older witch blinked a few times, her hands stopping as Sirius's continued - albeit slowing somewhat as the wizard waited for a response - and then the witch said: "I see. Well... I hope... I hope he deserves you. You're a very special person, Sirius."

Sirius stared intently at his work, nudging at one of the balls of dough on the pan when it spread out a little more than the others, pushing it in and up, trying to make it perfect over and over as it resisted. "Trust me, if anything I don't deserve him." He felt eyes on him, and he glanced over at the woman.

"Well, if that's actually the case," she said, not looking quite convinced, "then you'll just have to work harder to deserve him, won't you?"

And Sirius found himself grinning again. He nodded, grey eyes dropping once more to the work before him. "Yeah, I suppose I will." And then a hand gently cupped his cheek, resting for only a beat, the touch so simple but making his chest expand and warm even after it was gone. He set down his spoon in the empty bowl as the witch put the pan they had prepared into an oven. And he rubbed his hands together as he thought over what all James's parents had done for him in the little time since he had arrived.

They had confirmed he still had access to his personal vault at Gringotts he'd been given a few years back, and that there was no way he could have it taken away so long as he kept its sole key. Then they had helped him go through the process of paying for his school and showing him how much money he actually had. The answer was: a lot.

He had never appreciated how much money his father had given him access to while living at home, and he knew he'd missed out on an unimaginable amount more by leaving, but James's parents had told him he had enough to pay for his last two years of school and any other expenses, as well as support himself for the rest of his life so long as he was responsible. "Aunt Dorea," he said, to which the woman turned around, and he felt a twinge in his chest. He cleared his throat. "Thank you... for taking me in, and everything, I mean. I really appreciate it, I do."

Dorea smiled at him softly. "Of course, Sirius, you always have a home here."

* * *

"A toast."

Burgundy liquid sloshed around in a heavy, crystal stemmed glass held precariously in James's hand as he stood with one foot planted squarely on the brown leather cushion of his father's favorite chair and the other perched on its armrest, the wizard still in his trainers he had worn traipsing about outside just an hour before. "Pads?"

Sirius's lips pushed up, and he lifted his own glass lazily into the air from his spot on a matching sofa, wearing black gym shorts and a white t-shirt, his back resting comfortably on the incline of Remus's shins, the wizard behind him leaning against the armrest as he talked to Lily, who had arrived two days before and who was sitting on the floor below, about who they thought the new Head prefects would be. "All right, Prongs. To what?"

James's lips quirked to the side, his glass lowering slightly as he thought. "To alcohol?"

"That's an awful toast, James," Lily called out with a laugh, and the wild-haired wizard broke into a wide grin, looking as if the witch had just paid him the highest compliment imaginable, much like he had the past two days every time the witch so much as said his surname. It was uncoincidentally the same one that had been plastered on his lips when he had told Sirius that they'd finally properly kissed, amongst other things that Sirius didn't think the witch would approve his knowing.

"How about - to making it to sixth year without any of us dying somehow," Remus said dryly from behind Sirius, making laughter break out.

James lifted one eyebrow, unimpressed, as Lily snorted into her own glass. "Moony, that's morbid. No. No I've got it," he said, hopping down from the chair and somehow managing not to spill any of the viciously sloshing liquid onto the perfectly kept white carpet in his father's study as he made his way over to the three wizards.

The wild-haired wizard dropped down into a cross-legged sitting position beside Lily and then leaned over and placed a light kiss on her cheek, the witch not quite holding back a smile. "How 'bout to lasting relationships," he said, looking around the group, "I mean. Look at us. We've all had our fallouts with each other and whatnot, and we've all fought, and we could have easily thrown in the towel, but here we are. Together - in whatever form."

Sirius's hand found Remus's white socked foot by his side, and he gave it a gentle squeeze as he nodded, lifting his glass out. "Yeah Prongs, to lasting relationships." The last three words murmured around him as glasses clinked.

Sirius lowered his glass, his hand still curled around Remus's socked foot when he felt fingers slide up his neck and then begin to thread through his hair, and he let his head drop back further. He hummed appreciatively. "That's nice Moony."

"All right. Who's up for a dip?"

Sirius let out a heavy breath, his muscles beginning to feel like mush as talented fingers continued to work in his hair. "Have at it, Prongs." The wizard distantly heard Remus and Lily share his sentiment as grey eyes drifted shut.

"No! Come on, it'll be fun." Sirius groaned when a hand grabbed onto his arm and began to pull at it. "Come on Padfoot, get your fat arse up. It's supposed to be cold tomorrow, and then we're leaving for school."

Sirius opened his eyes slowly. "How the hell do you know that?" he asked, not budging.

"My mum said so in my letter," Lily said, taking another sip and then she pushed herself up with a sigh. "Why don't wizards have a weather forecast program?"

"Because we're flippin' wizards," Sirius said, agitated, "We can just charm the pond tomorrow. I'm tired."

"No, it's not the same. Come on, Remus. Help me out here."

Sirius groaned and resigned to standing when hands began to push at his back half heartedly. He stood up and arms wrapped around his chest when he almost fell over, and he grinned down at James. "You could've just asked if you wanted to hug me, Prongs."

James laughed. "Fuck you," he said and pushed the wizard back some and off to his side, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "All right. Let's go!"

* * *

Sirius laughed from his broom as James held himself somehow directly above him at least fifteen feet in the air, on his hands atop his floating broom, the two wizards hovering over the deepest part of the pond to keep from breaking a neck. Sirius cocked his head, the upside-down wizard looking like he was standing on the starry sky, and he grinned. "Getting tired yet, Prongs?"

"James, don't hurt yourself," Lily called lazily from a yellow floating sofa she had transfigured from her glass, which she and Remus were sharing.

James grunted when his legs began to wobble in the air, his balance wavering. "Bet you can't do this, Pads," he said tightly as he worked to re-balance, the wizard wearing a pair of red swimming trunks, Sirius likewise but in black.

Sirius let out a barking laugh and tilted the head of his broomstick up to pull himself eye-level with an upside down James. "Bet I don't have to," he replied glibly.

James frowned and then let out a 'woh' when he almost lost his balance to glare at his friend. "What's that mean?"

Sirius grinned. "Means I don't need to impress Moony because he lets me shag him _whenever_ I want."

"Yeah, well he's a bloody _wizard_ ," James scoffed.

"Yeah, and Evans is a bloody _witch_ ," he retorted and then leaned over and planted his hand on James's bare stomach - and shoved him hard. Sirius laughed as James fell backwards, racing towards the water's surface with a strangled shout and flailing limbs, hitting it hard and mostly stomach on.

"Sirius, you're not going to try that are you?"

Sirius looked down over his shoulder to find Remus alone on the floating couch as Lily made her way over to a soaked and cursing James. He gave the angry wizard below him a one-fingered salute and then turned his broom to point himself in the werewolf's direction, hoping he was ready to call it a night.

* * *

"How's that?" Grey eyes searched tense features, Remus's eyes screwed shut, and he nodded his head.

Sirius cleared his throat and carefully began to press in another finger, and Remus produced a muffled noise in his throat like he was holding in a protest.

Staccato breaths filled the dark space as Sirius's hand stilled, and he leaned down and began to gently tongue a scar over the thumping thud of Remus's heart, all their clothing either abandoned on the floor of Sirius's room or being used as extra bedding.

"Try to relax," he said, resisting edging his fingers in a little further.

Remus didn't answer as he began to breathe in smaller but smooth puffs, his hands settling on Sirius's shoulders carefully as if he didn't want to jostle himself.

Sirius's tongue darted out to wet his lips. "Does it hurt?"

"I'm just extra sore everywhere because of the full," he said tightly and then exhaled between pursed lips, the tension around Sirius's fingers not lessening. "I'll be fine, really."

Sirius carefully slid his fingers out. "It's okay," he said, crawling up to bring himself overtop the werewolf to mirror his position, "we can do something else if you want."

Remus shook his head. "No I want to," he said, his hands sliding around Sirius's waist and tugging at him gently. "Just promise you'll go easy on me."

Grey eyes blinked, meeting tense hazel seriously. "I don't know if I can do that."

Remus huffed a laugh from beneath him as his lips broke into a begrudging smile. "And I don't know what I even see in you," he said, and Sirius grinned down at him crookedly.

"Maybe my impressive wand skills?" he teased, fingers massaging the sandy blond's tone obliques, "Do you only want me for my magic, Remus?"

Remus laughed, his hands trailing up the wizard's stomach and then chest and settling on either side of his neck. "Yes, you've figured me out, powerful magic gets me off. That and advanced textbooks." And then he tugged again but a little more forcefully as Sirius laughed overtop him, only his head dipping in acquiescence. "Sirius, please, I need to be close to you," he said, sounding suddenly less playful, something edging his usually smooth tone that made the air in Sirius's chest try to do a little bit of its own kind of magic and triple in size.

Sirius kept his arms locked as he resisted being pulled down, and he studied the sandy blond for a moment before dipping his chin again, hovering lips just over Remus's, hazel eyes dipping shut as if on cue, and gentle hands he adored were suddenly cupping his face as their lungs began to swap air, making Sirius's head feel light. "Do you want to fuck me?"

Hazel eyes shot wide. " _What?_ "

Sirius pressed his mouth to Remus's as hands fell from his face. He pulled back to whisper across surprised lips, "Fuck me, Remus. Do you ever want to?"

"What's-what's that got to do with anything?" Remus asked even as Sirius began to pepper his lips with small but insistent kisses.

"It doesn't," Sirius lied, his hand sliding down smooth skin to settle on Remus's hip, grasping it, and then he nipped at his lower lip a little too hard. "Do you though?" He felt the wizard beneath him suck in a sharp breath when his fingers dipped further in, and his tongue flicked out to wet suddenly dry lips as he began to slide his hand over an interested body part.

"I. I don't know. I mean. I've thought about it, yeah.." and then, "You'd let me?"

And Sirius grinned against his mouth as he placed another kiss. "Only if you promise not to go easy on me," he husked.

And then lips were on his, pressing hard, and he parted his own to give Remus's tongue entrance as hands began to run over him greedily. A groan rumbled in his throat, and then Remus pulled back again, hazel eyes glazed with an emotion that made Sirius's thoughts feel light, like they might float away.

"Have you-"

Heavy breaths punctuated the quiet space as Sirius grappled onto crumpled soft sheets by his sides and resisted pressing his lower body down against Remus's, a certain body member of his begging for attention. He didn't want to rush him, he could wait until he made a move.

"Have you done it before?" Remus asked.

Sirius blinked a few times as he looked down at a waiting Remus, the last one a little longer and heavier before he admitted with a regretful exhale, "Once." Remus bit down on his upper lip and hazel eyes slowly closed, his jaw tensing as muscles clenched hard. Sirius shifted overtop the wizard. "It was with Greg," he said for some reason, and hazel eyes flicked back open.

"Zabini... fucked you," Remus said, his words more accusatory than questioning.

And Sirius nodded, his tongue peeking out and resting on his lower lip nervously, already regretting his decision. "Yeah."

"Fuck," Remus growled, and then Sirius was lying on his back, and his arms were being pressed down into cool sheets on either side of his head as darkening hazel orbs glared down at him. " _Why_ Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head as he looked up into dark eyes, his pulse racing and making his lungs extra needy. "I don't know," he forced out around ragged breathing. He swallowed hard. "He asked."

Remus growled again, the sound rumbling in his chest, and his grip tightened almost painfully as he leaned down and sniffed at Sirius's neck like his wolf counterpart had on fulls when Sirius had been around the Slytherin on a regular basis. "Did you like it?"

"Ah-h," Sirius gasped when teeth nipped at his neck sharply, and his body began to ache in a way he had never known, and he turned his head and exposed his neck to the wizard fully. "Fu-uck Remus, _yes,_ " he breathed, trying to push his hips up but failing to find purchase when Remus shifted back suddenly, resting on his heels. Grey eyes struggled to focus on the sandy-blond, and he pushed up onto his elbows breathless. "What's-what's wrong?"

Remus shook his head and let out a slow breath. He blinked a few times not meeting Sirius's gaze. "This was a bad idea, Sirius," he said finally and pushed himself off the wizard's legs. "Don't follow me." Curtains fell shut behind him.

Sirius stayed on his bed, listening to the sound of the wizard grabbing his clothes and pulling them on, and then the door opened and slammed shut.

He dropped back onto still warm sheets and stared up at the blank ceiling as his breathing refused to slow, Remus's words of regret on replay in his shocked mind, and the wizard realized he wasn't sure what Remus had meant by that.


	86. Chapter 86

Sirius laughed, clapping James on the back. "Good one Prongs."

James grinned and shook his head, taking another swig of firewhiskey before handing the bottle back to Sirius. "You think I'm joking?"

Sirius took a gulp, enjoying the burn as it felt like his insides were catching fire and then leaned his head back on the brick wall of Potter Manor, grinning up at the brightening violet sky that visibly marked their last full day of summer break. "I'd like to think you are," he said.

James scoffed and grabbed the bottle from his hand. "Think what you want. It's true. I love Lily Evans. She's it for me."

Sirius sniffed. "Yeah, all right, good luck with that." He felt the bottle brush his fingers, and he shook his head. "No, I'm good," he said, closing his eyes as his brain swam blissfully. "Where is Evans anyway?"

"Home packing, she left after swimming. Can you believe we go back tomorrow?"

"No, it's mad."

"Where's Remus?"

Sirius laughed roughly. "The fuck if I know." He rolled his head to the side, and then grey eyes opened and searched, hands grasping the almost empty bottle resting between them. And he took another drink.

"You two fighting?"

And Sirius laughed again. Fuck Remus. Fuck him so much. He shrugged. "I don't even know."

James hummed as he shifted his hips up a little to pull out a pack of cigarettes from his shorts' pocket. "What'd you do?" he asked around a fag as he lit it with a small red lighter.

Sirius took another drink. He shrugged.

"That bad?"

Sirius breathed in slowly, and he said between gritted teeth: "I don't know how else to say it, James. _I don't fucking know._ We were fine, he was on my bed and we were-"

"I understand," James said quickly, cutting him off, and Sirius sneered.

"We were _messing around_ ," he said heatedly - and James closed his eyes, exhaling a lungful of smoke sharply, "and he just left. Fuck you Prongs, what, I can suck your cock like a bloody whore but you can't even stand the thought of me and Remus?"

James grabbed his shoulder when Sirius started to push himself up. "No. Pads. It's not like that. I swear."

Sirius laughed. "Right. Well then what the fuck is it?"

The wild-haired wizard ran a hand up into his hair and scrubbed at it roughly. "It's just weird. 'Cause you two are my mates. I don't mean anything by it."

Sirius let out a heavy breath, settling back beside his best friend somewhat reluctantly as he looked out at the growing orange horizon, feeling a little queasy and like he really didn't know what. "He asked me if I'd been fucked before. And I told him."

James looked back to him, hazel eyes wide.

"Don't look at me like that," he said wearily, "It was one time with Greg."

James huffed a laugh around the cigarette in his mouth.

"Fuck off," he said half-heartedly as James grinned at him like an idiot. "It was fucking hot as hell."

James shook his head, looking torn between a few different emotions, begrudging amusement the most obvious. "Sirius, tell me you didn't tell Remus that."

Grey eyes shifted over, and Sirius nodded hesitantly. "Yeah, he asked... why?"

James groaned, and it kind of sounded like a laugh, the wizard stubbing out his half-smoked cigarette before pushing himself up, Sirius standing up beside him. "No wonder he left."

Sirius frowned. "It was before me and Remus," he said defensively.

James looked at him, and lifted dark eyebrows. "Sirius. You and Remus have been together since... well, I don't know when, but I bet well before you and Greg."

Sirius's frown deepened. "What's that supposed to mean?"

James sighed, and he pulled his friend into his bedroom, leaving the door wide open and letting go of him to drop onto his bed. "I feel like shit." Sirius watched him roll onto his back and then pull his shoes off before spreading out with a groan, not feeling so great himself. "Sirius, what would you do if I told you that Remus and Diggory shagged, and Remus said it was good?"

"What?" Sirius asked, quietly.

"I said. What if I-"

Sirius had turned and was making his way for the door, blocking the wizard out as he left, thoughts uncertain but loud as he made his way down the hallway. He stepped into his own room, closing it behind him only to freeze when he noticed Remus lying on his bed asleep. His heart beat loudly inside his chest as James's words echoed in his mind. It wasn't true. Remus wouldn't lie to him.

He walked with light steps to the edge of his bed, and he looked down at the sandy blond, the wizard lying on Sirius's bed in a pair of red shorts and a fitted white t-shirt, his arms up by his face as he hugged Sirius's pillow, lips slightly parted and expression relaxed.

He pulled off his shirt and climbed carefully onto the bed in only a pair of black gym shorts, over the sleeping wizard and then scooted up behind him and wrapped an arm around his waist, nuzzling the side of his face against the space between the werewolf's shoulders, and then he felt the warm body in front of him begin to move. "I love you Remus," he whispered.

"I love you too Sirius." And the sandy-blond rolled over, his eyes sleepy and bloodshot. "Where've you been?"

Sirius licked dry lips. "I was with James," he said, his voice hoarse as he looked into blue and green, gold-flecked orbs that contrasted his colorless ones more than should be possible, and his chest ached. "Why'd you leave?"

Remus looked down at the space between them. "Sirius," he said, "the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. You know that right?"

Sirius nodded, a lump forming in his chest. "Yeah. I know that, Remus," he said tightly.

And the wizard's gaze lifted. "I just don't know if you and I... us... is a good idea sometimes."

Sirius didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say.

"I just. I get so angry when it comes to you," Remus said in a quiet voice, "too angry."

Sirius swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "I'm sor-"

"Don't," Remus said, suddenly sharp, and he pushed himself up into a sitting position as Sirius remained frozen in place. "Sirius. I could have hurt you earlier." He laughed roughly. "I wanted to. I _wanted_ to hurt you. What is wrong with me?" Remus buried his face in his hands.

Sirius pushed himself up carefully as he studied the tense sandy-blond. "What're you talking about?"

Remus shook his head, hands running up into his hair. "I'm not safe. I'm a werewolf, I'm dangerous. Werewolves are _dangerous._ "

Sirius placed a hand carefully on Remus's back. "Remus, it's okay. I. I don't care about that, you know that already."

"You should." Remus growled, the sound feral, rumbling under Sirius's hand and causing the dark-haired wizard's breath to catch in his throat. "Fuck Sirius. You _should_. You don't know the things that I think sometimes, there's a reason werewolves are shunned from society, the wolf, it makes you want to kill. I _want_ to kill people sometimes," he said, his voice sounding angry and _pained._

Sirius kept his hand in place as he struggled to think around his own shortcomings, laid out too neatly in his mind at that moment to ignore, because he wasn't a werewolf, he had no excuse. "But you won't," he finally said, forcing his focus firmly back on Remus, "I know you won't. We'll work through this together. I still want you, nothing can change that."

Remus turned his head, meeting Sirius's gaze, his expression no longer angry but something else that made Sirius's chest clench painfully for him. "Why though? Why do you want me? Why me? Why not someone else? Why not _anyone_ else?"

Sirius shifted closer, his hand reaching up and cupping the wizard's face, holding it steady when hazel eyes began to drop, and he felt his chest swell painfully. "Remus, there is _no one_ else for me," he said, his voice low and a little rough, "everything about you is perfect."

And then he leaned in and pressed his mouth to his gently in a chaste kiss. "Everything, Remus."

Remus opened his mouth to speak. "But-"

"Your lips," he said, pressing his own lips tenderly to his, silencing his protests. "Your chin," he added and kissed it too, smiling softly when Remus relaxed somewhat, rolling his eyes. "Your nose," he murmured and rubbed the tip of his own against it, eliciting the smallest hint of a smile. And then he kissed the outside corner of hazel eyes where the skin always pinched when the sandy-blond laughed. "Your eyes," he almost whispered, "Remus do you know how much I adore your eyes?"

The wizard shook his head. "Si-"

"Your voice," Sirius cut back in quickly, "Fuck, I swoon like a bloody bird whenever you growl." The werewolf laughed a little at that, and Sirius pulled him back down on the bed with him to lay, facing each other.

He slid a hand up under the wizard's shirt and trailed his middle finger slowly down along a line of uneven skin. "Your scars," he paused, his chest rising and falling more quickly just at the thought of them as he held Remus's gaze before he said, "I have to admit I've got quite the unhealthy obsession for them if you haven't noticed."

Remus laughed warmly, and Sirius pulled the wizard tightly against him, hugging him, and he breathed in the werewolf's soothing scent. "And your smell. You smell so good," he said in a rough voice, then he leaned down, kissing the dip at the center of Remus's collarbone before trailing his tongue widely up the front of his neck, groaning lowly as he did, the wizard's unique flavor dancing on his taste buds. "And fuck, you taste _so good_ , must be all the chocolate you eat."

Remus gasped a laugh. And he grabbed Sirius's side, gripping tightly, and he pressed his lower body up against his, eliciting another drawn out groan from the wizard. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."

Sirius wrapped his arm tighter around the sandy-blond. "Just don't let me go then," he said, and then his lips found Remus's.

* * *

Sirius woke a few hours later to a pecking on his window still early the last day of summer break, the bed only dimly lit due to strategically pulled curtains.

The tall wizard yawned, and he placed a soft kiss on a waking Remus's shoulder as he began to shift in front of him. "I'll be right back," he murmured, pushing himself up and crawling over Remus as the tapping grew more insistent. The wizard walked barefoot across cooled wide planks, frowning slightly as he recognized the thin black crow standing outside his window.

Sirius pushed open the window, the familiar hopping in as soon as there was enough clearance, and it lifted up its leg immediately in offering, cocking its head to the side impatiently.

"Who's it from?"

The tall wizard glanced over at Remus, to find him sitting up, studying the gleaming black bird with interest. A sharp _caw_ drew his attention back down, and he quickly untied the piece of parchment from the familar's leg before it decided to peck him as it was ought to do, it hopping back out and flying away with a loud fluttering.

Sirius flipped the note over to eye the dark green, waxy seal as he said: "Bella. It's from my cousin, Bella."


	87. Chapter 87

Sirius stepped out of dying green flames, dressed in a pair of dark grey slacks and black shirt, no tie.

"Cousin, you made it!"

The tall wizard leaned down slightly. "Of course, Bella," he said smoothly, hiding his uncertainty as the dark-haired witch in all black lace placed a kiss on either cheek, returning the sentiment distractedly. Because Remus hadn't been pleased when he'd told him he was going to see his cousin to meet some older wizard, who he'd met with a few times before but had never mentioned to him. He hadn't meant to keep it from him... at least not consciously. He glanced around the Lestrange sitting room, that seemed much colder than he remembered, fighting the distinct urge to leave as his older cousin preened over him. "Where's your company?"

"Oh, he'll be here _soon_ ," Bellatrix cooed and then more slyly, "I saw your mother this morning." Sirius stiffened, and he shifted back from the witch's touch and in the direction of the fireplace. "Don't worry, she's not here, I had to go see her," was added with a sharp laugh, and the tall wizard relaxed hesitantly. "I can't believe you left, your father is rather broken up about it."

"You two are still talking?" he asked, suddenly wishing he'd listened to the sandy blond and just stayed in bed with him.

The witch laughed again and grabbed his chin, squeezing it a little too hard not to agitate the wizard. "Oh. We talk _all_ the time now. You made quite the mess when you left, didn't you, little cousin?" she said in a whispery voice, but before Sirius could respond hooded grey eyes widened with a sudden alertness. The witch spun around, and she began to make her way to the door that led out of the room, black heels clicking on equally black marble, as she said, her voice suddenly brimming with excitement, "He's here now, come along, he'll be _so_ pleased you came."

Sirius hesitated, chancing one more glance back at the fireplace as his apprehension grew along with a sick feeling in his gut, before following after the witch.

* * *

Sirius took in a deep breath and stepped through the fireplace, finding himself once more in Potter Manor.

"Sirius! Where've you been, mate? You missed breakfast!"

Sirius cleared his throat and looked around the room, avoiding his best friend's gaze, an uneasiness settling over him. "Visiting my cousin," he said quietly.

"Your _cousin_?"

Sirius nodded, the conversation he'd just had with the wizard named Tom Riddle - who didn't look or sound quite like the Tom Riddle he remembered - echoing through his mind ominously. He couldn't seem to shake it, or the uneasy feeling squeezing at his chest, and he didn't know why. He hadn't said anything _too_ different.. not really, but the feeling behind his words had felt more... unhinged - and volatile. Sirius forced the disconcerting train of thought away when James said his name again. "Yeah. Bella," he said shortly, ignoring the displeased look that his answer produced, and he made his way for the doorway, leaving, even as James persisted questioning him. He just needed to see Remus.

* * *

"I can't believe we're going to be sixth years tomorrow."

Sirius nodded as he held Remus close to him inside closed crimson curtains after a long day of muggy air and cloudy skies, Quidditch, food and packing. He had spent it it all with James and his parents as well as the wizard in his bed. The two wizards lay facing each other, having left James in his room just a half hour before when he'd passed out with a cigarette still between his lips. Sirius had put the flame out but left the fag with a grin, the expression having only grown when Remus'd begrudgingly allowed it.

The tall wizard fiddled with the hem of Remus's t-shirt as the sandy blond snuggled closer, grabbing his attention back with the small shifting. "Yeah, I know. You're getting old," he murmured, and he placed a kiss on the werewolf's forehead as he chuckled, the sound making his lips tug up.

"You're older than me."

He tucked his chin to nuzzle against Remus's cheek. "Yeah, but you feel older than me."

Remus grinned, and he pulled away to roll onto his back, hazel eyes meeting grey when he turned his head. "I see you've given up on the compliments."

Sirius laughed softly, his chest tightening a little from the words as much as the sudden distance, and he licked dry lips as his gaze dropped away from Remus's steady gaze. "Yeah. Well. They never really got me anywhere with you."

Remus shifted closer again. "Sirius..."

Sirius shook his head a little at the obvious worry in his friend's voice. "I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean that." A hand brushed his cheek, and he clenched his jaw under the touch.

"Are you upset with me over something?"

Sirius let out a tight breath. "No." He looked up, and he shifted closer to bridge the gap the werewolf had put between them and pressed his lips to Remus's apologetically, his hand sliding up the wizard's neck and cupping the back of his head to hold him close. "No. I'm sorry," he said almost against his lips as his chest ached against his will, and then he said what had been tiptoeing around his thoughts all day despite his best efforts - putting the entire day under a darkened focal lens - ever since he'd gone to see his cousin and the wizard named Tom Riddle, "I'm thinking of going back home."

"What." Remus had pulled back, and he was shooting Sirius a look of disbelief that was quickly shifting into something that looked a lot like concern but not quite as soft.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. I just figured, I've only one more summer and Christmas break-"

"You can't be serious," Remus blurted, and when Sirius only nodded again, he continued in an uncharacteristically sharp tone, "Your father was _abusing_ you."

Sirius licked dry lips again. "Remus, you don't understand-"

"No, I _understand_." Remus let out a slow breath when Sirius pulled back a little at his tone. "I _do_ understand," he began more gently, "you feel bad, but-" He paused, and Sirius looked back up at him. Remus shook his head slowly. "Don't do this. Please."

Sirius smiled a little, the expression making the pain in his chest seem to grow. "My mum's going mad," he said quietly, his words barely a murmur. He huffed a whisper of a laugh. "And my dad's taken to fucking my cousin all the time." He closed his eyes. "And Reg-" He cut off, because all he knew about him was what his brother had told him himself in his letter to which he'd yet to respond, which wasn't much, and all of it was bad. He shook his head. "It's all my fault, if I'd just-"

" _No_ ," Remus said, voice sharp again, and grey eyes found themselves staring into dark hazel. "None of that is your fault, do you hear me?" Sirius pressed his lips together tightly. "None of it. You can't go back there, it's not safe for you. I. I couldn't handle that, not again." And when Sirius didn't respond, he said, "What if it were me instead of you? What would you do?"

Sirius lay quietly as he considered his friend's words, a hard, aggressive feeling blooming in his chest just at the suggestion. At someone, _anyone_ treating Remus that way. "If anyone ever touched you," he said quietly, his words coming out breathy as his mind sped up, making him feel a little light-headed, as he struggled to stay calm. He shook his head, when his thoughts tried to float away. "If anyone _ever_ hurt you — I'd make sure it never happened again."

And Remus pulled him closer until their lips were just inches apart. "I know," he said, voice roughened and low, "and that's how I feel about you too. Please Sirius."

Sirius closed his eyes slowly, working to regroup his thoughts from the maddening question. "Okay," he said with a slight nod even as a rushing noise whooshed in his ears, and his heart refused to slow, "I won't... For you." Lips pressed to his, and his fingers laced themselves into soft sandy locks that he adored as the pressure in his chest only grew, good feelings intertwining with bad ones as his lips parted, feeling bittersweet, and heated ones tried not to drown or be put out under the waves of melancholic ones as their tongues touched.

"Anything. Anything for you," he whispered, between kisses. Remus's hands slid down his body, and his breathing sped up more as his lungs threw themselves into a losing race against his sprinting heart. "I love you - So much.  _So much_ , Remus," he said, pained, even as fingers began to brush against the front of his slacks.

"I love you too," Remus said, and fingertips grazed over the front of Sirius's shorts again, drawing a drawn out groan that time. "Can I take these off?"

Sirius nodded jerkily. "You don't have to ask."

Remus hummed, the sound almost disgruntled, as he began to tug shorts down. "You usually ask me."

Sirius laughed, not stating the obvious, as he kicked shorts off from around his ankles and onto bedsheets below him as Remus began to discard his own clothes, first his t-shirt and then his shorts, leaving Sirius more dressed but only for a second, because he was sitting up and stripping his shirt off. Lips were on his as soon as the shirt was discarded, and Sirius's right arm wrapped around an eager Remus, pulling him close until he was positioned overtop him. "Remus," he murmured, before meeting the werewolf's lips again.

Then hands were in his hair, and the sandy blond's kisses began to grow more heated, Sirius grunting when teeth bit down on his tongue, holding it in place for a few beats, the feeling blissfully painful, and when it released excitement surged from his core and flooded his entire body.

" _Fuck_ ," Sirius growled, and his hands were sliding over perfectly scarred skin that made his blood race. He pulled away from kiss swollen lips to press his mouth to a still red scar on Remus's collarbone, and his tongue slid out to trace a glimmering path over uneven skin. Remus gasped, and a groan rumbled in the tall wizard's chest, and he guided Remus further up onto his knees so he could lick along a wider scar that trailed between the safety of his ribs. "Shit Remus, you need to be more careful," he said in a thick voice. And then groaned low in his throat as he tongued a scar that almost reached his left nipple, and his tongue kept going, circling when Remus's breath hitched at just a graze of the sensitive skin.

" _Sirius_ ," Remus said, his voice pleading, and Sirius flattened his tongue and ran it over pebbled skin. Remus groaned, and Sirius's hands tightened on his hips when his legs began to give out, holding him up, and he began to flick his tongue back and forth, Remus's breath hitching each time. "Ohh, that's - that's nice," he said, roughly, and then Sirius bit down gently, and Remus's body arched forward and something hot and hard pressed against his stomach, and Sirius was being pulled back to meet insistent lips. "Don't do that to anyone else," was husked against his mouth.

And Sirius laughed, the sound amused and throaty, even as lips continued to attack his, and his hands relaxed their grip, Remus lowering onto his lap, Sirius's arms wrapping around and hugging him as he breathed his scent in deeply. "Okay, I won't."

"Or this," Remus said.

Sirius paused at that. "What? Hugging?" he asked hesitantly.

Remus shook his head and peppered his lips with more kisses. "Kisses," Remus said roughly, "Don't kiss anyone else."

Sirius's stomach jumped into his chest, making it difficult for his heart to do its job, as his mind began to make sense. "Remus..." he said.

"Or this," Remus said, and grey eyes fell shut, Remus's hand wrapping around the both of them, making the tall wizard's hips jerk and body shudder. "Tell me you won't."

Sirius swallowed hard, and he said, his voice sounding a little weak to his own ears, "I love you."

"No," Remus said firmly, "Tell me. I need you to tell me. I _need_ this from you."

Sirius felt his breaths grow shorter as a plethora of emotions began to overtake his entire chest. "Remus, please-"

"I want to be with you."

Sirius sucked in a sharp breath at the words, because they sounded ominous instead of promising. He nodded then. "I won't," he said, hoping it was true, because he wasn't willing to lose him, "Only you this time."

Remus's hand slowed. "Only me?"

Sirius nodded again, willing it to be true. "Just me and you," he said — and lips pressed to his, and Sirius kissed back, the emotions in his chest swirling and rising threateningly.

"Sirius...?" was whispered against the corner of his mouth.

"Y-yeah?" he asked around heavy breaths.

"Will you—" Remus stopped, exhaling slowly, its sound unsteady to the wizard's ears. "Sirius... will you be my boyfriend?"

And Sirius paused as suddenly all the bad feelings that had been welling inside him seemed to drain or disappear, or something - he didn't care, even if it was temporary - and he laughed softly as relief had him nestling his face into Remus's neck.

He held the sandy blond tight, their chests both heaving, their blood racing side-by-side under heated skin that was pressed flush, Remus's slightly smaller but strong frame interlocking with his like puzzle pieces, and he smiled. " _Yes_." Upturned lips began to press fervently against any patch of skin they could find. " _Fuck_ yes, Remus."

Remus chuckled, the sound breathy and happy and thick, all at once. "Good."


	88. Chapter 88

"Oi, _Padfoot_."

Sirius continued to walk with his hands stuffed in his pockets as James jostled him, his best friend's arm slung up around his shoulders excitedly as they made their way down towards the sighing, shiny red engine at Platform Nine and Three Quarters, steam rolling out from under it and crawling towards the excited crowd, their luggage being handled by a Potter elf behind them. James's father had dropped them off just outside minutes before, giving them both a hug and saying he needed to get back to meet with a Healer at the manor, James's mum having come down with something in the middle of the night and not feeling up to seeing them off. Charlus had insisted it was nothing to worry about, just a cold most likely.

"Brown's gotten fit," James said with interest, craning his neck to study the giggling fifth year Gryffindor as they passed her by along with a group of her friends. "Think Lily would be into that type of thing?"

The tall wizard laughed with a shake of his head. "Yeah Prongs, sounds about right," he said, even as he continued to stare straight ahead, everything in his peripheral setting off alarms as he searched for a sign of his family. He didn't know what he was planning if he did see them, but he didn't want to be caught off guard either.

"Oi," James said, but with a sudden quietness that had the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. "Over there," was whispered, and James's arm tightened a little around him as he decidedly began to veer his path away from where he'd flicked his eyes.

Grey eyes shot over of their own accord to find his younger brother, who looked like he'd grown a considerable amount, looking more like him and less like himself at a glance, and then he was meeting a cold grey gaze.

"Pads, come on, just keep walking." James was pulling on him discreetly, and he laughed over nothing as if he'd just said something hilarious even as he began to use his entire body to nudge the wizard towards the train.

Sirius stopped, his feet planted. His father was looking back at him, his expression neutral but not quite. It almost looked like he was smiling-

"Sirius _no_ ," was said sharply, and a hand was grasping his side when he went to take an unconscious step forward. "I swear to Godric I'll fucking jelly-leg you if I have to."

Sirius swallowed, his throat dry, and something was fluttering inside his chest as he squarely faced his father, crowds of people milling between them like a river of wizards, their gazes locking over them. His father looking like he could read his weak thoughts, and Regulus shooting him an almost hopeful expression by his side. Something clenched in his chest. He didn't want to go back. He didn't. But he didn't necessarily want to abandon his family either. He hated living at home though. He loathed it.

"You made the right choice," James gritted out as he continued to hold him in place. "They were all shit choices, but you made the _right_ one. Let's just get on the train, get a seat, find Remus-"

Sirius stopped pushing back suddenly. Remus. He looked down at James, his openly worried expression surprising him, and he swallowed, his throat sticky, and he nodded as his knees weakened a little, and then James was edging him backwards. "Yeah, yeah okay Prongs," he forced the rough words out, and then he was letting James guide him towards the engine and away from his family.

* * *

He lay on his bed, curled on his side. Dulled grey eyes stared at unmoving fingertips, his right hand lying just inches from his face, feeling oddly like it wasn't his own, like it wasn't real. His pinky twitched. He felt numb. His chest ached at the thought defiantly, and his lungs forced out a quick unamused breath that sounded mockingly like a laugh. What the hell did he know? He wanted to roll over and bury his face into his pillow, block out the cool air from James's bloody open window and the light that was managing to creep over his pulled heavy curtains, but that would require moving.

"-okay? Sirius, are you okay?"

The bed dipped from behind, and a body was wrapping around him, pulling him back with strong hands, and then there was a mouth near his ear, asking him the same question again more gently. "Thought you went to the library," he said from between tingling lips.

"I did, but I'm back now," was husked and then there was a deep exhale, one that spoke of held back emotions, and Sirius pressed his lips together, feeling inadequate and like a huge burden to the wizard hugging him. "James told me about yesterday at the station. Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius closed his eyes, and he shook his head ever so slightly as images of his family flashed through his mind unwillingly, ones that weren't so terrible, or maybe they were, and he was just that fucked up. He clenched his eyes harder. He couldn't seem to stop seeing them. It should be easy, it used to be - he'd blocked out time after time things his father had done, or things his mother had said - but it wasn't anymore. "What's _wrong_ with me?" he finally asked, laughing a little harshly when his words sounded as broken as the sentiment behind them.

Arms pulled him impossibly closer, and Remus let out a warm breath on the back of his neck, and it brushed around the side of it and grazed the soft hairs there as it cooled. "Nothing. It's normal to be upset about something like this, Sirius."

Sirius swallowed around a sudden pressure rising in his chest, and he nodded. "I really don't want to go back."

"I know," was said, carefully.

Sirius felt a laugh jerk from his chest before it cut through the air with its sharp sound. "I don't want to go back," he said again, but louder. And his blood began to pick up in response, supplying his muscles with fuel, and his fingers clenched into tight fists.

"I know you don't."

Sirius growled, and arms hugged him tighter. He wanted to hit something, hex someone. "I hate it," he said, and his chest ached. He laughed again, because it felt better than holding it in. "I fucking _hate it_. I hate _them_ , Remus. My mum, my dad-"

"Sirius..."

"I fucking _hate them_!" he shouted, and then arms were restricting him in a split-second instead of hugging him as he fought the grip, as he felt his chest begin to shake, and it wouldn't stop. A roar of outrage ripped from his lips. Because fuck them. Fuck them so much. It hurt. And he was _sick_ of being hurt. "I want them to die! I want to kill them myself!"

Remus was hushing him and holding him, and his bones protested under the crushing grip as he fought even harder. He welcomed the physical pain, embraced it as he began to laugh - but then arms relaxed ever so slightly, just enough not to hurt anymore, and tired muscles burned as they gave up all at once - and his chest heaved, down then up, emotions welling inside him that disagreed vehemently with the words he'd just shouted, and he hurt all over again. "Why don't I hate them?" he whispered.

"Because you're a good person," was said just as quietly but with a sureness his own words lacked.

He shook his head, the motion growing jerkier as his eyes began to burn, and he turned his face sharply and planted it into his pillow when that was all he could do, and he cried. 

* * *

Sirius stood amidst a rising steam, hot water pelting his aching and bruised body. He hated Quidditch anymore, and he hated James for being such a sadistic bastard, and he bloody hated early mornings, especially when he had to wake to them alone.

He scraped a hand down his face slowly, his palm hot from almost scalding water. He groaned, feeling all out of sorts with Remus gone, the sandy blond having gotten up early to go the library to meet up with Evans for the umpteenth time before breakfast since they'd started school two weeks before. It wasn't that he needed Remus with him at all times, but he definitely preferred it. "I feel like shit."

"Yeah, well you look like shit, Mate."

Sirius laughed roughly, and he looked over to James, who was standing in the shower stall to his right, grinning. "You checking me out, Potter?" he asked, his answering smile a little weaker than he would have liked.

James rubbed a bar of soap over his shoulders, hazel eyes dancing. "You wish, Pads," he said loftily, and then he shot a hurried glance around the bathroom before shifting closer to the wall between them, keeping his gaze up and at Sirius's face. "Listen. Remus and Lily are hiding something from us."

Sirius frowned, and he dipped his head under the faucet to rinse shampoo from inky black locks. "You're paranoid, Prongs," he mumbled as soapy water ran down around his face and then his neck and shoulders. He huffed, water on his lips spraying out instead of getting into his mouth, and when the stream was no more bubbly he lifted his chin, swiping a hand down over his face and then pushing heavy soaked locks off his forehead. He looked over to a silent James, who was rubbing shampoo in his own hair, his usually wild hair looking unusually styled in its unkemptness with its help. "Paranoid," he said again.

James shot him an unimpressed look. "Guess Pete was right after all."

Sirius frowned, lips pulling tightly to the side. "Fuck you James."

James let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. "Said you weren't fun anymore, not ever since last year."

Sirius scowled. "Like that's going to work."

James shrugged, stepping under the water to rinse off soap while tilting his chin back, keeping his shampoo-styled hair carefully out of it. "They might be cheating on us."

Sirius rolled his eyes, even as James kept a straight face. "Have you been keeping something from me about Evans, Prongs?" he asked dryly.

James snorted, lifting a certain finger at him. "Bastard."

Sirius grinned at that, the expression more genuine. "Why do you care about their homework so much all of the sudden? Feeling a little nervous now that you've shown Lily all you've got?" he joked.

James let out a barking laugh. "Oy, I'll have you know Lily is _very_ satisfied."

Sirius sniffed, lifting his chin to eye the slightly shorter wizard down his straight nose. "Yeah? So you two shagged then?" he asked, hiding his surprise James hadn't told him.

James tilted his head to the side in a begrudging nod of sorts, his lips curling up as he stared at the shower head before him almost dreamily. "Last weekend after her rounds with Moony, it was bloody fantastic." He turned around then, still grinning as Sirius laughed, and dropped his head back to rinse the shampoo from his hair. "It's a map of Hogwarts, and Remus wants to spell it so it shows where people are at all times. Lily's been trying to help him with it."

Black brows lifted, and Sirius blinked. He glanced around the still otherwise empty bathroom, ignoring the uncomfortable tugging in his chest. "How do you know about it, Evans tell you?"

"No." James lifted his head, shaking it like a wet dog until his hair was once more standing up at odd angles, and he said with a Cheshire grin as he met Sirius's gaze, "But I've got my sources."


	89. Chapter 89

"Miss me?"

Remus swung around in his seat at the back table in the library, his arm running up to drape over a large piece of folded parchment he had been leaned over. "Sirius, _hey_ ," the wizard said in not even a remotely nonchalant fashion, "Finished already? That was quick."

"Practice ran three hours." Sirius dead-panned, cocking his head to the side to coolly eye the covered tabletop over Remus's shoulder. "You hiding something from me?"

"What?" Remus shook his head quickly, his gaze darting around the empty corner of the library before landing back on Sirius. "No. No, why would you think such a thing?"

One black eyebrow lifted. Sirius crossed his arms, leaning back a little and stretching tight abdominal muscles from _another_ brutal practice, and his lips turned up slightly when hazel eyes shot down to watch the movement. He let out a sigh, drawing his boyfriend's attention back up. "Remus." He paused, and sandy brows raised. "I understand why you didn't tell James, but why not me?"

Remus blinked.

"About the _map_ ," he said, popping his lips on the 'p' as he shot the wizard his best reproving look.

Remus groaned, shoulders dropping, as he visibly deflated, and he turned back around to curse under his breath.

Sirius took that moment to slide into the chair beside him and lean in close to whisper, "I can help you, I've read all sorts of books on enchantment processes over the last few summer breaks, and James is... well James really wants to help too." He glanced over at the parchment, able to make out some of it as Remus planted his face in his hands, no longer trying to hide it. He began to scan the rooms he had down. "What's got you stuck?"

Remus slowly turned to look at him, his head still resting in his hands, and then he let out a huff. "I've been trying to get it to show where..." He paused like he wasn't sure about his next words.

Sirius nodded eagerly. "Right a live tracking charm." He sniffed, leaning over to tap his index to the line that served as a wall between two rooms on the first floor. "Maybe it's because you've missed some of the rooms. There's a passage here behind the knight painting. Might not work if the map isn't completely accurate."

Remus hesitated, and then he looked down at the map. "A passage...?" he asked, sounding more than a little surprised, "but where's it lead to?"

Sirius held back a laugh. "Ah, shortcut to the Slytherin dorms," he said offhandedly, pointing an inch to the right of said rooms.

Remus hummed lowly.

Sirius scooted his chair closer, dampening charms on its feet softening the scraping noise. "Yeah, and you didn't get that one room that appears when you need it either."

Remus frowned. "The what?"

Sirius huffed a laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck as he remembered the door that had unexpectedly appeared for his and James's second _interaction,_ when they'd needed somewhere private, they'd used it their last time together too. He couldn't believe they'd ever done that in retrospect. "Yeah," he said distractedly as he searched the seventh floor, "it's a room that appears when you need it and supplies whatever you want. To be honest, it might not be plottable though, it was a little strange, kept changing sizes."

"A room that—when have you used that?"

Sirius shrugged, hiding his hesitance. "James and I found it last year." He continued on when Remus didn't respond, "Oh and the passage that we always take on fulls when McGonagall is rounding is here," he said, tapping another solid wall. "It takes longer, and we end up on the wrong side of the castle, but it's better than running into her. And then there's the one here we found back the first week in fourth but never told you after we found out you'd been nominated a prefect. It dumps you right behind those two suits of armor by Dumbledore's office, headmasters do make the best alibis..." He trailed off, a hand having settled high on his leg. He looked over to Remus when he was still silent, his expression inscrutable. "You okay?"

"I'm sorry." Remus paused, he shook his head. "I should've told you about this. I was just worried you and James would want to use it for pranks or sneaking around. And I started it last year when we weren't talking all that much..." He trailed off.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek, and he nodded slightly. "It's okay," he said more slowly, and then he looked back down. "What're you making it for?"

Remus shifted beside him before saying, "Independent project for Charms, I was hoping if I could impress Flitwick enough with it, he might give me a good recommendation when school's out. For a job."

Sirius swallowed. "Ah. What kind of job were you thinking?"

Remus laughed, the sound surprisingly sharp. " _Any_ job really, I don't want to be a burden to my parents once I'm finished, they've already spent far too much just to send me here, even though it probably won't make any difference with getting a wizarding job. I'll probably just end up at a muggle bookshop to be honest."

Sirius's gaze flicked up at that. "No you'll find something, you've got really high marks, you're a prefect, and all the professors like you."

Remus shook his head, his expression looking torn between resigned and stubbornly angry. "Maybe. Let's not talk about it right now," he said quietly.

Sirius hesitated before looking back down at the large piece of parchment. "All right." Remus edged it closer to him so they could both look over it. "James and Pete and I could go around and add in what all you've missed this weekend while you're recovering."

"Yeah, okay," Remus said, still quietly but his tone more relaxed, and Sirius placed a quick kiss on his cheek, the wizard leaning into the touch a little before he redirected his attention down once more. "I hope it helps, Lily and I've not made any progress for two weeks now."

"Which tracking charms have you tried? That could be part of the problem too, a lot of them probably don't work well when they're being used around strong protective charms, and Hogwarts is loaded with-" He paused, Remus's hand having just slid up a little more. He cleared his throat when fingers began to brush teasingly along his inner thigh. "Ah, Remus what're you doing?"

Lips grazed up along the shell of his ear, and Sirius felt a shiver run down his spine. "You're really smart, Sirius, you know that?" was whispered, a hint of a grin in the words.

Sirius laughed, the sound rough, and he held himself still as fevered lips began to press to his neck. "And here I thought you just liked me for my pretty face," he said, playfully, his voice lower, and fingers began to massage his leg again as Remus chuckled. "You feeling sick today?"

Remus let out a warm breath, and some of it managed to sneak under his collar. "Yeah, I'll be better in a couple days though," was said softly.

Sirius nodded. "Have you thought about using an altered homing charm so it will be more"—He cleared his throat, trying to ignore his suddenly racing pulse as fingers slid in further—"more complimentary in... in fashion to... to the magic already-" He finally cut off to stifle a groan. " _Fuck Moony_ ," he husked, and he shifted his hips forward to accommodate for the tightening in his slacks, giving up on his train of thought to focus on the wizard's hand that was sliding over him. "That's nice."

Remus chuckled, sounding somehow tired but riled up at the same time. "Homing charm does sound better." He placed a soft kiss on the sensitive patch of skin where Sirius's jaw, ear and neck met as he began to fiddle with the buttons on his slacks. "Thank you."

"No problem," he breathed out, and then he bit down on his lower lip when fingers slipped inside his slacks.

"Madam Pince is gone for tea."

Sirius hummed, and he shot a quick glance around the deserted space. "Yeah? What'd you have in mind?" he asked quickly.

Remus pulled back to smile at him, the expression sly.


	90. Chapter 90

Sirius whistled as he strolled down the hallway from the library alone. He and Remus had been working together on finding the right enchantments every night since the last full. James and Peter were out at that very moment, trying for the fourth night in a row to confirm the location of the appearing room they had found the year before. It didn't seem to want to make a reappearance for some reason.

The tall wizard glanced out a row of arched windows when the wind outside picked up, nothing to be found but shadows of trees bowing under its invisible force, and then a crack of lightning flashed in the far off distance. Remus was still in the library, having wanted to stay behind to work a little longer, because they hadn't accomplished much; they'd gotten more than a little distracted. Again. His mind replayed what was becoming a bit of a pattern for them, a relaxed smile tugging at the corners of his lips as the still fresh memory of hushed words and laughs filled his thoughts along with needed touches.

The library and cartography were quickly becoming two of his most favorite things.

"Sirius!"

The wizard stopped at the familiar voice, and he looked over his shoulder. "...Hey Zabini," he said as the jogging Slytherin caught up to him.

"Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Oh yeah?" He shoved his hands into his pockets, glancing around the empty hallway unnecessarily, not exactly sure he wanted to know why. He began walking again at a slower pace when the wizard merely nodded, and he fell in step beside him. "So how's Potions been going for you?" he asked offhandedly, needing to fill the awkward silence when the Slytherin didn't speak up.

"Awful," the wizard said with a clipped laugh to punctuate the statement. "I'm with this Hufflepuff, Chang, and she's barely said three words all year."

Sirius barked a small laugh, shaking his head, not adding anything more as they continued down the corridor, the tension between them ebbing slightly. He hadn't talked to the wizard since their break-up at the end of the previous year despite their having DADA and Charms together.

"Sirius. About last year..."

Sirius slowed his step, not looking over.

"Are we... Are we okay?"

Sirius shrugged one shoulder. "I guess so." A hand grasped his arm, stopping him, and he looked up. He didn't pull away as he said, "Remus and I are together again."

Fingers stayed wrapped around his arm. "I figured."

Sirius huffed a whisper of a laugh, and he looked down at the floor. "Yeah." He studied grey stones as the Slytherin shifted feet closer. "I should go..."

"I'm to be engaged over Christmas," was blurted, and then not so quickly, "I thought - I thought you should know."

Sirius looked back up. "To who?" he asked, finding himself staring into chocolate eyes.

Greg grimaced a little. "Bella. You know, the one who took that potion with us in Hogsmeade?"

Sirius nodded at that, recalling the day and the slightly unhinged witch. "Right, yeah I remember her. You enjoyed her that much?" he asked with a forced laugh.

Greg grinned at that. "She's not bad, in fact, she reminds me of you quite a bit to be honest."

Sirius blinked, and he leaned back, realizing only then he was far too close to the wizard and how it might look, and he felt suddenly agitated. "Yeah? How so? Did she run away from her home over summer too?"

Greg's smile began to fade, and he gave his arm a squeeze. "I heard about that, are you okay?"

Sirius clenched his jaw as he felt something tug in his chest at the softly spoken words of concern. He shook his head. "I'm fine," he said clipped, because he _was_ doing better. "Listen Greg, I really should-"

"I miss you."

Sirius shook his head again, the slightest bit, when confusion began to muddy his thoughts as he felt a small but similar sentiment ringing in his head. He shouldn't miss him. Should he?

"Do you miss me?" was asked, the Slytherin's voice breaking uncharacteristically. "Any? Even a little bit?"

Sirius swallowed around a sudden lump. "Listen Greg, I can't do this. Remus-" He paused to look up and say, "He means everything to me."

Greg took a step closer, nodding jerkily. "Remus. Right. I understand," he said in a quiet voice but with a tightness edging it that had Sirius clenching his jaw again. "But if you ever need someone, just know, you can _always_ come to me, no matter what, even if it's just as a friend."

Sirius nodded numbly as the promise seemed to dull his thoughts, and then the wizard shifted even closer, leaning in - and lips touched—and then suddenly his mind jump-started as it registered the feel of the wizard's mouth belatedly, and he jerked back like he'd been burned.

He ran a hand up to rub at the back of his head roughly as his mind spun, spiraling in a sudden panic not able to make out the wizard's apology, and he felt sick, because _shit_. _Remus_. "I gotta go now," he muttered, suddenly much more than agitated, and his heart began to scream angrily inside his chest, making it hard to hear his own thoughts that were racing, "Good luck, with uh..." He gave up.

"Bella," Greg supplied as he started to back away. "Yeah. You too. With Remus, that is," he said quietly and turned away when Sirius didn't respond, walking off back in the direction he had come.

Sirius waited until he'd turned the corner before taking the few steps back required to lean against the stone wall, his legs feeling weak. And he closed his eyes slowly as his breaths grew uneven. He hadn't done anything wrong. He hadn't kissed back. It was just a misunderstanding. He hadn't encouraged it. Remus would-Remus would—Shit. Shit. SHIT.

" _Fuck_."

* * *

Sirius stood just outside Remus's bed several hours later halfway undressed, his shirt on the floor by his bed but his slacks still on, all the curtains pulled shut in the dorm but for his own. He swallowed hard and then said in barely a whisper, almost hoping the wizard wouldn't hear, "Moony, you awake?"

Red drapes pulled back immediately to reveal the sandy blond lying on his bed on his side in only a pair of pajama pants, his hazel eyes groggy with sleep, and he smiled up at him softly. "I was wondering where you were, come on in, Padfoot."

Sirius nodded as he licked his lips nervously, and then he climbed in over the wizard and settled behind him, leaving a couple inches between them as curtains once more enveloped the bed. "Were you sleeping?" he whispered.

Remus let out a sigh and then inhaled slowly as he started to shake his head, but stopped short. And then he stiffened, predictably.

Sirius spoke up quickly, his voice raising unintentionally in his rush. "I ran into Zabini today, says he's getting engaged over Christmas."

Remus didn't respond.

Sirius closed his eyes for only a second before forcing out the admission that'd had him wandering the halls for the past few hours after curfew, "He kissed me, but I stopped him. It was barely a peck. I _swear_."

The wizard let out a slow breath, and then he rolled over to face him.

Sirius licked dry lips as his heart skipped inside his chest like it didn't know how to function properly anymore and was considering just throwing in the towel, Remus's expression indecipherable. "It didn't mean anything to me, I don't know why he—"

"Okay."

Sirius blinked. "Okay...?"

Remus let out a tight breath, and he shifted towards him. "Yeah," he said quietly, and paused. "I don't trust Zabini, but I trust you, and that's all that matters."

Sirius swallowed hard, and his gaze flicked down to tempting lips that were exceptionally close. He held himself back, unsure. "I understand if you're upset with me," he said, cursing himself when his voice was a little rough when it really shouldn't be.

Remus shook his head. "I'm not."

Grey eyes shifted down again, and Sirius placed his hand carefully on the wizard's bare hip, his skin warming on his cool fingers. "Thank you, Remus," he said softly, forcing his gaze back up to hazel eyes, and he felt his heart clench up on him as he realized fully what could have happened, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Remus dipped his chin, an amused breath escaping his lips. "Probably snog every guy you could swing I suppose," he said wryly.

Sirius grinned, and his hand tightened its grip. "Only because I'd be looking for someone like you."

Remus laughed out loud at that. "Right. A bookish werewolf, that's your ideal type," he said jokingly.

Sirius ran his hand up the wizard's bare arm and rested it gently on his neck, and he felt his pulse thrumming wildly under his thumb, despite his seemingly calm demeanor, before using it to push hazel eyes back into view. "No, I mean... someone who knows who I really am, and who believes in me even when I don't deserve it." He paused then, Remus's expression softening. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he said, his chest aching at just the words, "because you're it for me, Remus Lupin, I mean it, I don't _ever_ want anyone else."

Remus's eyes began to widen. "Sirius..."

Sirius wet his lips. "Just you and me. I'm promising for _real_ this time, not because you need me to or I'm afraid I might lose you if I don't - but because I want to - because I mean it." And then his voice grew a little unsteady as he continued, "I know I have problems, and I'm not saying I know how to fix them, but I'm not going to hurt you like that again because of them. You have my word. Okay?"

Remus pressed his lips together, and then he began to nod, the movement slight at first but then it grew more adamant. "Yeah. Okay."

Sirius let out a small laugh, and he pulled him forward and pressed his lips to his. "I love you so much," he murmured and then kissed him again. " _So fucking much_."

Remus laughed as their lips touched again. "You curse too much," he said, and Sirius grinned. "But I love you too." Then his hand settled on Sirius's chest, and he pushed him flat onto his back.

Sirius watched as Remus swung a leg over him, and then he reached up and grabbed onto the wizard's hips as he straddled his own. "How much?" he asked, and he pressed his lower half up, groaning when his excited body part made contact between the wizard's legs. "How much do you love me?"

Remus dropped forward, landing on splayed hands, his muscular arms flexed on either side of Sirius's head, as the tall wizard continued to rock up against him. "More than anything," he gasped and then, "Sirius, _please_."

Sirius slowed his hips but began to press more firmly, and he shifted the wizard's hips more forward so he could press fully along the underside of the wizard's hard member, able to make it out completely against his own, and his pulse quickened. "Please what?" he asked breathily, "What d'you want from me?"

Remus groaned unintelligibly, his eyes falling shut, as he continued to slide up against him.

"Tell me what you want Remus, and you can have it."

Hazel eyes opened then, the expression behind them making Sirius's chest swell and force air from his lungs, because there just wasn't enough room. "I want you inside me," he said lowly, and grey eyes fell shut.

" _Fuck Remus_." Sirius released the wizard's hips to shove his slacks down, not bothering with the buttons and kicking them off when they got low enough. And then his hands were running up to grasp the sandy blond's face, needing to make certain. "Are you sure you want to tonight?" he asked, searching the wizard's features for any sign that he was still upset.

"I'm sure," he said with a nod. And then he leaned up, his tone torso on full display for the wizard below him as he slowly pushed his own pants down.

Sirius sucked in a sharp breath, and then Remus settled back down, their bodies touching intimately, and he struggled to think clearly. Then the next thing he knew Remus was rolling them over, and he was on top. He let out a surprised laugh, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees to hover over an impishly grinning Remus, and then he moved his legs in between the wizard's and pushed up onto just his knees.

He looked down at him, surveying his entire body greedily, and he spread his knees further, nudging apart Remus's legs so he was splayed prettily underneath him. " _Gorgeous_ ," he said, then he lowered down carefully, bringing his lips to brush slightly parted ones; short hitched breaths escaping them. "You're so perfect, you know that?" he murmured against his cheek, and then he dipped his chin to nuzzle into the wizard's warm neck. "I don't know what you see in me."

"Sirius," Remus said, his tone a soft rebuke, even as Sirius began to work lips down his collarbone. "Everything," he said and gasped when the wizard's tongue ran widely up a still sensitive scar along his chest. " _Everything_."

Sirius shifted down further, nipping and licking at uneven skin that made his body hum with fervor, and when he reached a small scar on the wizard's right hipbone that constantly teased his thoughts he began to lap at it, over and over, a low groan rumbling in the back of his throat. And strong hands buried themselves into his hair, grabbing tight hold, and his blood sang in his veins as he started to dip lower again. He hooked his arms under the wizard's knees and hitched his hips upward, but then he stopped to meet his boyfriend's heated gaze. "Can I taste you?" he asked.

Remus nodded jerkily, a flush running up his chest and neck just visible in the darkened space, and Sirius grinned slowly. "You're so cute when you're shy," he said and then dipped down low as Remus laughed, the noise turning into a drawn out groan when he began to slide his tongue firmly over his entrance - and hands were once again in his hair, tugging. He pressed harder, coaxing gasping sounds that made his thoughts race, and then he slipped in slightly, and Remus began to gasp his name, the sound rough and needy. And so Sirius pushed his tongue forward—and in—moaning as the wizard's musky flavor danced on his taste buds, and fingers tightened their hold in his hair, and he began to move back and forth, sliding his tongue in and out of his boyfriend, with purpose until he couldn't take it any longer, a certain body part throbbing. He pulled back, searching for his slacks on mussed crimson sheets and grabbing out his wand so he could cast a hurried protection spell and then an 'accio' for the tube still in his trunk.

He twisted the lid off, meeting lust-filled hazel eyes as he applied it thoroughly. "You okay?" he asked hoarsely.

"Yeah." Remus nodded, even as his chest rose and fell rapidly. "I just need you," he said, and he spread his legs further for him as he shifted forward again.

Sirius let out a slow breath, trying to calm his pounding heart and way too excited body. He grasped himself with one hand and Remus's hip with the other, his thumb sliding over olive skin, caressing it, as he slowly began to push in, a tight velvet heat encompassing him inch-by-inch, and he groaned as he worked his way in carefully. "Fuck Remus, you feel _so good_." He stopped when he was almost all the way in and lowered down so that he was just barely hovering over the wizard, who had his eyes clenched shut, and he whispered softly, "Does it hurt?"

Remus laughed tightly. "Only a little. I'm getting used to it," he said, and then nodded tensely. "Go ahead. You can move."

Sirius pressed in further until he was all the way in, and he waited until Remus let out a held breath. Then he began to roll his hips forward without pulling out. "How's that feel?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah. Yeah that's okay."

Sirius laughed and pressed his lips to the wizard's, as he continued to roll his hips, increasing the motion with each time. "Only okay?" He tilted his hips more upward and tried to find a certain spot—

Remus let out a slow moan. " _Padfoot_."

Sirius clenched his jaw, and he worked harder, trying not to focus on the feeling or Remus's noises. "Yeah Moony?" he asked, his words breathy, and he jerked his hips up again.

"Oh. _Fuck me_ ," Remus gasped.

And Sirius laughed again. "That's the idea," he teased, eliciting a breathy laugh from the wizard under him, and then he began to pull out some with each thrust, Remus moving with him, increasing the pleasure. "Fuck Remus, that's _really nice_. You feel better every time."

Remus nodded fervently, and Sirius dipped his head to place kisses on the wizard's neck as he continued to move, and then he shifted his weight all to his left hand so his right could slip down between them.

"Sirius..." the wizard gasped as Sirius began to move his hand around him in rhythm with his rolling hips, and the dark-haired wizard shuddered when Remus gasped his name again like a prayer.

"I love it when you say my name," he said roughly and then trailed his tongue widely up the side of the wizard's neck as he groaned at the taste. "Fuck I could just eat you," he husked into his ear, and Remus began to breathe more raggedly, sounding like he wanted to laugh but failing. And Sirius sped up his hand, needing the wizard to finish as he felt his body begin to edge towards the precipice. He pulled back some to look down into Remus's eyes.

Wired grey meeting intense hazel.

"I love you, Remus," he said tightly, his chest clenching almost painfully, even as he felt a tightening down below.

"I love you too, _Sirius_ ," Remus gasped out - and then his hips began to jerk - and Sirius felt hot liquid begin to spill over his hand a little hitting his stomach, and he groaned, the wizard's name falling from his lips as he continued to thrust, filling him, until all he was left with was just a warm tingling feeling all over.

Sirius unwrapped his hand carefully, heavy breaths filling the space, and then he lowered himself as carefully as he could onto his boyfriend when his muscles decided to give up on him completely. He let out a laugh when Remus groaned, the sound slightly disturbed, and he wiggled a little to smear the sticky liquid between them.

" _Padfoot_ ," Remus complained, and Sirius laughed.

"Sorry Moony," he said with a grin and placed a kiss on the wizard's cheek.

 


	91. Chapter 91

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Hah. Crazy. When I was writing this story originally, I never thought I would actually complete it, because it was a fucking roller coaster to write. A complete emotional bitch, to be perfectly honest. I can't even begin to count how many times I almost discontinued this, or raged over its mere reason for existence - which was clearly to torture me into insanity - or glared angrily at the taunting 'delete story' button... though I'm sure my beta cathartic can (Heh). But, here I find myself... and I couldn't be happier really, even if it is bittersweet leaving these characters who have slowly but surely found a permanent place in my heart. And so I want to just take a moment to thank all you readers for that.  
> My heartfelt gratitude goes out to those of you who have supported this story, and by extension me. I hope you all have laughed and smiled and 'awwww'ed' and growled and cursed and gotten a little broken up at some point in this, because truly feeling a story is living one. :))
> 
> Andd... So you know, I will be posting a rather long epilogue at some point, whenever inspiration hits me. 
> 
> Much Love,  
> adVENTitiious

_Voldemort_.

Sirius's ears rang with the name as he sat in shock beside James at the Gryffindor table, Remus and Peter across from them.

A newspaper lay face up on the table between the four wizards, breakfast completely forgotten. Displayed over the front page article was a moving picture of a green cloud shaped like a human skull, hovering ominously in an unnaturally dark morning sky, as a snake repeatedly slithered out from its mouth - not unlike the card sitting in Sirius's trunk.

The wizard, who now went solely by Voldemort, had declared that he was going to put muggles in their rightful place, and that anyone who tried to help them, or stop him, would suffer the _gravest_ of consequences.

Dumbledore was standing at the podium, under a stormy ceiling, the entire Great Hall dead quiet after he'd just shouted at the top of his lungs uncharacteristically for its silence - because the owls had delivered unexpected and devastating news to the entire school.

People were dead. Murdered. They'd been _murdered_.

Voldemort and his supporters had made themselves public by killing three different muggle families only hours before, their children all students at Hogwarts. Sirius didn't know them personally, but he'd recognized one of the wizard's names, Thomas Creevey, a second year Gryffindor. And there would be more. A letter had been sent to the Ministry of Magic saying just that.

The Wizarding world was going to  _war_.

* * *

Sirius stood at the edge of the astronomy tower, the toes of his shoes pressed up against the stone banister as tired grey eyes searched for the ground far below fruitlessly; there was no green to be found, only black.

A crescent moon hung deceivingly peaceful high above, along with splatters of stars wherever fluffy grey clouds weren't covering, and laughter sounded behind the tall wizard from his three friends and Lily for the first time in weeks. Random snippets from the Prophet that had continued to have more and more news on Voldemort and the Ministry's response - and less and less light-hearted material - continued to pop into his head unwelcome only to stop so that one of Dumbledore's ominous speeches could replay in his mind. And he had to be losing it a bit, because each time the old wizard's voice sounded more and more disappointed, as if he knew...

Fingers tightened around the small glass object concealed in his right hand, and he resisted the urge to just chuck it over the edge and rid himself of it, because Remus might need it.

Tom Riddle. Voldemort. Death Eaters. Murder... War.

_Lines will be drawn_. Grey eyes closed as the phrase he'd brushed off too many times taunted him not for the first time since Voldemort's bloody public stand, and a breath escaped barely parted lips when Sirius's chest grew unbearably tight.

He'd been so _stupid_. People had died, and more would undoubtedly follow. His family. His friends. No one would be safe. He didn't know why all this was happening or what his past conversations with the wizard had done to compromise his position. Bella had sent him another letter just that morning, but he hadn't read it. The Prophet had said many high-profile Slytherins were being questioned, including the Lestranges. It made sense, the Slytherin House and the old pureblood families most closely associated with it held very similar beliefs to what the one wizard had claimed as his own. He himself had once shared them too—guilt surged in his chest, making it harder to breathe—even if it had been when he was very young and hadn't known better.

They had been told in class by their professors and then again in their common rooms by their Heads of Houses that the Aurors were handling the situation and that the best thing they could do themselves was focus on their schoolwork, that they were safe at Hogwarts, and that they could all only hope for the best for those they were close to on the outside.

Sirius's hands balled into fists, the glass vial in his right hand digging sharply into his palm. The people close to him were not necessarily on the same side though, in fact, he was _certain_ they were not. What was 'the best' when one side winning meant loss for the other? He knew which side he would fight for if the time came, no question, but it didn't make it any easier.

"Happy birthday."

Sirius tucked the object in his hand back into his slacks' pocket discreetly as he turned to face Remus, pushing the disconcerting thoughts away. "My birthday's not 'til tomorrow," he said with a forced lightness.

Remus nodded as he moved closer, and Sirius wrapped an arm around his lean waist when he stopped just shy of him, tugging him flush against his body, needing him close. "Actually it _just_ turned midnight," Remus said quietly, his chin inclined as he looked up at him. He lifted a hand and pushed back long black locks from grey eyes only to huff a small laugh when they fell back down rebelliously. "I've been keeping track."

Sirius felt his lips cock up on one side, and a familiar soothing warmth began to fill his chest. "Thank you Remus."

Remus smiled up at him warmly. "You're welcome," he said simply and then shot a glance over his shoulder where James, Lily, and Peter were sitting leaned over, watching the finished map of Hogwarts with nothing short of amazement and then turned back. "I think I might just let Prongs keep the map now that Flitwick's seen it, I couldn't have done it without you guys - plus he keeps saying how much we could use it to make us a 'proper group' or something like that."

Sirius laughed softly. "That sounds like James," he said, and then he breathed out slowly as his mind flitted back unwanted to what had been bothering him. Grey eyes flicked over to where their friends were, and then he met Remus's quiet gaze, and he dipped his chin to bring himself closer to the wizard. The wizard whose mother was a muggle. "Listen Remus, I need to tell you something," he said in a suddenly hushed voice, and anxiety rushed his chest, because he knew how what he had to say was going to sound, "it's about Bella, and my meetings with that wizard I told you about... what with the war, and... and - Voldemort, I—"

Remus's lips stopped him, surprising the dark-haired wizard, as they pressed _firmly_ to his like their sole purpose was to silence him. His mouth opened but not to talk when Remus's hands began to slide down his chest, fingers scraping a little, and their tongues met in a heated touch, causing Sirius's thoughts to melt away, and he hugged him tight, and they kissed even as their friends laughed and whistled at them, the feeling between them somehow desperate.

Remus pulled back a few moments later, breathless, and then he said in almost a whisper, the words puffing cold against his moistened lips, "Let's not talk about that right now, all right?"

Dark brows pulled in, but Sirius found himself nodding anyway for some reason. "Yeah. All right."

"Okay enough of that guys, come help us put the finishing touches on this!" James called over impatiently.

Sirius flicked up a certain finger for his best friend as he leaned his forehead against Remus's and pecked a kiss at the corner of his lips. "I love you, you know that right? You mean everything to me."

Remus nodded, the movement subtle but certain. "Yeah, I love you too. Always. No matter what."

Sirius pressed his mouth to Remus's again as his lips curled up, and his jumbled chest hummed with happiness despite all the turmoil. "No matter what," he agreed as he pulled back, and then he was tugging Remus towards an impatient James, a smiling Lily and a quiet but eager Peter.

"Listen. Listen. We call it the 'Marauders' Map,'" James said excitedly as they approached, "and we use our nicknames so Filch can't get us in trouble if he finds it."

"Yeah. And we can make it so it all disappears when we want it to," Peter piped in, "so it'll just look like scrap parchment." The boy hesitated. "I mean... if - if you let us use it, Remus."

"Fine, bloody take it," Remus grumbled half-heartedly, breaking the façade a little, a smile trying to out him when James let out a whoop of victory and Lily groaned. "But it'll need a password then, Flitwick's seen it, and I don't want to spend the rest of the year in detention with you guys, because I _will_ turn you all in too."

Sirius barked a laugh as he settled down with Remus's hand snugly in his. "We'll have to Snivel-proof it too," he chipped in, groaning when he got a sharp jab to the ribs. He looked across to an upset looking red-head as he grimaced. "Sorry Ev-Lily, my bad."

"It's okay," Lily said, James placing a small kiss on her cheek and then whispering something into her ear that had the witch slowly perking back up.

Sirius stifled a yawn and then leaned his head on the wizard's shoulder beside him, nestling against his neck, feeling completely content at that moment and place. He breathed in deeply as fingers began to rifle through his hair. "You smell _so good_ Moony," he murmured softly.

"Thanks Padfoot," was said back in kind.

And Sirius smiled.

**-THE END-**

 


	92. Pre-Epilogue, it's a thing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this took so long. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with the epilogue. I talked to a few helpful people, and I got wonderful advice - and then still couldn't decide. Hah. So, I drew a little from each of their suggestions, and I've gone a little unconventional with this whole epilogue thing. I am writing a pre- and then actual epilogue, if that makes sense. Haha. It was incredibly nostalgic revisiting this Sirius, and I hope you all enjoy it too. :)

* * *

_Winter of 1980_

* * *

Grey eyes hid completely behind open palms, waiting. Then without warning, hands fell away, and smokey orbs reappeared. " _Boo_."

Little giggles ensued.

"Sirius, stop that, he just ate, you're going to give him hiccups," Lily said, shooting the tall wizard a look of reproach as she walked barefoot in a white summer dress across the stone tile flooring in the kitchen at Godric's Hollow early just a few days before Christmas.

"Sorry, Lils." Sirius grinned at her impishly, and then a gurgling happy noise drew his attention back down and to the baby, who was sitting in a reclined chair contraption. "Harry likes it though. Don't you, Prongslet?" he said as the little wizard that seemed to be all chubby parts wiggled also inclined fingers up at him, looking like he wanted to grab at his face. He leaned down indulgently, and fingers tried to grab hold of his cheek and a bit of his eye too. "Ow!" He pulled back a little with a laugh, rubbing at his face where tiny fingernails had latched on. "Easy there, Harry, your Uncle Remus only likes me for my looks."

Harry's green eyes widened at that, and Sirius nodded solemnly. "It's true, he told me so just the other day over tea. Your Uncle Moony is a _bad man_." Harry gurgled, the noise resembling the rhythm of his speech for the last two words.

"You know, I had my reservations when James first told me who he wanted for Harry's godfather."

Sirius looked up at that, grinning crookedly at the witch, who he'd become rather good friends with over the last year, Harry holding the thumb and pinky of his right hand in his fists. "But you went along with it after you realized what a natural I am with kids?" he guessed.

Lily took a bite of toast smothered in pumpkin jelly as she leaned against the counter, her morning tea still untouched. She shook her head slowly, lifting arched red brows. "No, it was after I found out how minted you are."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, and he looked down with a smile when Harry started giggling, still holding tight, and he wiggled his fingers, making Harry squeal and squeeze tighter. "Harry, your mother is a cheeky witch, let's hope you turn out gay when—"

"Padfoot, what have I told you about appropriate conversation for a baby?" James said, his voice more tired than joking, and he gave the wizard's shoulder a squeeze as he passed, the kitchen door swinging shut. "Don't listen to Uncle Padfoot, Harry, you can be as straight as you want," he said and placed a quick kiss on his son's padded forehead, and then he was grabbing Lily up around the waist with one arm, lifting her with a groan, and kissing her as he set her on the counter by the sink, her legs tightly wrapped around him.

Sirius watched his friend lean in and rest his face against Lily's neck, hugging her tight, looking exhausted and relieved and maybe hurt—"Where's Remus?"

James lifted his head, and frowned. "What do you mean? He wasn't called for the mission, isn't he here with you guys?"

* * *

"Sirius, you're home," Remus said with a start, the wizard shoving his nightstand drawer shut and spinning around.

Sirius stepped into the single bedroom of the flat he and the wizard had shared ever since the end of school: the high-ceilinged walls a flat white, smooth wooden floors a sun-washed oak, and the king bed, wardrobe and nightstands a dark cherry - their comforter crimson. Sirius gave a small shrug. "Yeah, I was visiting Lily and Harry, since James was gone." He met his boyfriend's gaze, searching. "Where were you? You didn't come home last night after your shift."

Remus looked down, nodding, the movement nervous and making something clench in Sirius's stomach. "I uh, I would have, I'm sorry, but you know my mum hasn't been feeling well, and so I stopped by there afterward, and after we'd caught up, it was so late. I just stayed." The wizard looked back up. "I'm sorry."

Sirius studied the wizard, who had been disappearing more and more often as of late. He gave a small smile and moved into the room, stopping when he reached him. "It's okay," he said, and tugged the wizard by his belt forward and against him, and he looked down into unsure hazel eyes. "You should have told me, I would've come with you."

Remus nodded, his gaze dropping again, and Sirius wrapped his arms around the wizard's waist and let out a quiet breath.

"James looked pretty shook up," he said and then pressed lips softly to Remus's forehead, his right thumb slipping under the wizard's shirt and tracing the warm skin of his lower back where it dipped in, and the sandy blond shuddered against him.

"Was he hurt?" Remus asked, his arms lacing around Sirius's shoulders.

"Nothing bad, says he just feels banged up," he responded in a murmur, and then grazed his lips softly along Remus's cheekbone until he reached his ear. "Are you lying to me, Remus?" 

The wizard tried to pull back, but Sirius grabbed hold of his forearms before they could leave his shoulders. "I'm not accusing you of anything, I just need to know."

Remus didn't look up. "I'm not lying to you."

Sirius felt his chest clench, and he swallowed hard. "Rem—"

"I'm _not lying_ ," Remus snapped, and pulled back from him. He turned away, scrubbing at short sandy locks roughly. "My shift ended, and I went to see my mum, end of story."

Sirius resisted pointing out the fact that he could tell when Remus was lying, and instead moved forward again, wrapping his arms carefully around his waist from behind and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. He trusted Remus, and even if he clearly was lying to him, he still trusted him. "Okay, I'll drop it," he whispered.

* * *

"But it's Christmas Day."

Remus was looking at the floor again. "I know, and I'm sorry-"

"Are you seeing someone else?"

Remus looked up. "What—Sirius, _no_. No, I'd never do that to you."

Sirius sat on the edge of the sofa in the living room to his and Remus's flat. He nodded after a moment, staring down at clasped hands. "Can I come with you?" he asked, quietly.

Remus sat down beside him, his hand a little shaky as it reached out and settled on his leg. "I don't think that's a good idea this time, my mum's family is going to be there."

Sirius didn't say anything at first, the comment settling heavily over his fraying mind like an ominous cloud. "James was talking about you the other day," he finally said, his voice still quiet.

The hand lifted. "Oh? What'd he say?"

Sirius leaned over and rested his forehead on the palms of his hands, his fingers pulling at bed-mussed hair, and he laughed, the sound breathy and a little lost, everything starting to feel like too much.

"Just that he thinks you still hate him, you know, because of how I sucked on his cock all those times." A huff of a breath escaped his lips as they began to pull up in a morbid amusement, and he grinned down at the cold dark floor between his feet even as the wizard beside him shifted away, his chest clenching traitorously in response.

"Those were good times, weren't they Remus?"

Remus was standing. "Fuck you."

He started laughing again, and he turned his face to lean into the crook of his elbow, pulling hard at dark locks, when he couldn't stop. It really was kinda funny.

" _Fuck you_ , Sirius." And then there was a crack.

Sirius's chest continued to shake as he sat alone in his and Remus's flat.

* * *

_Summer of 1981_

* * *

"I can't," Sirius said, his knee bouncing up and down, and his lips tugged up a little when Harry started clapping, his own hand spreading out to hold his godson more securely when he threw his surprisingly solid little body forward in his excitement. He sped up the ride. Maybe he'd like a broom—

"But he's hiding something, you know it's true, even Lily's said so."

Sirius's knee stopped, and he set Harry on the floor, the baby immediately pulling himself up by Sirius's pants leg, wobbling. He met his best friend's gaze. "I'm not going through his things, and neither are you."

James scrubbed at obscenely wild black hair, leaning back in his seat with a resigned sigh, looking tired and not much like his best friend at that moment at all. "Lily wants to know if you two can make it to Harry's birthday party."

Sirius hesitated for only a second. "Of course Prongs, wouldn't miss it for the world."

* * *

"What's this?"

Sirius slowed to a stop just outside of his and Remus's bathroom, a white towel wrapped around his hips and a smaller one in his hand as he rubbed it over damp black locks. He eyed the small vial of potion Remus was holding out in his hand as he stood in front of Sirius's open trunk. "Hello to you too."

"What is this, Sirius," was asked again in reply.

Black brows furrowed. "A potion..."

Remus's expression darkened. "What _kind_ of potion?"

Sirius tossed the towel in his hand into the nearby hamper, and he approached the sandy blond, who shouldn't know anything about the potion he was holding. "What do you mean by that?" he asked carefully, and when Remus made to move past him, he took a quick step in the same direction, blocking him. He looked down at his boyfriend. "What - do you mean by that?" he asked again.

"You know what I mean."

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek as he considered the implications of Remus _knowing_ what the potion was, and then he said, suddenly a little hoarse, "I don't want to lose you."

They stood there, in their bedroom, everything silent, a thickness in the air.

"I don't want to lose you either," was said, and then they were together, Sirius's hands holding Remus's face as he kissed him desperately, and Remus's hands were trailing roughly down his bare sides.

"I love you - I love you Remus," Sirius said between kisses, guiding the wizard back towards their bed they'd not shared in weeks as clothing pieces were discarded and kicked off in a sudden rush, his towel falling from his hips, "Please - _please_ don't leave me."

"Never, Sirius," Remus said, and he pulled him down onto the bed with him when Sirius shoved him back, the abandoned vial rolling onto the floor unnoticed, and then olive tone legs were shifting apart and porcelain-hued hips were rolling forward in a needy rush, pressing, finding—" _Ohhh-h. Never._ "

* * *

  _23 October 1981_

* * *

"I shouldn't do it. It's too obvious." Grey eyes turned away from shocked hazel. "Peter should do it."

" _Peter_?"

Sirius clenched his jaw and then willed it to relax, and he forced himself to meet his best friend's gaze, finding a mixture of disbelief and what looked unmistakably like hurt. "Yeah, for sure, think about it," he insisted, "no one will _ever_ expect him. He's the safest bet. We'll tell everyone you picked me, no one will question it, and you'll be all the more safe. You and Lily and Harry."

James frowned as he sat on the roof of his house, Sirius beside him, the two wizards sharing a bottle of firewhiskey as Lily and Harry slept inside. "Is this because of-"

"Don't say it," Sirius warned, grey eyes flashing as his mind finished the sentence for him unwanted. _Remus_. He refused to think about the wizard, even if he had been gone for a whole week, and during the full moon... He was sure he was—

"Fine," James said, and he set down the almost empty bottle of liquor to pull out a single cigarette and a lighter from his inside jacket pocket. Sirius sat quietly, looking out at the rooftops in a neat line, the trees lining them in varying arrays of shedding their colored-leaves, and then the sweet smell of smoke infiltrated his senses. It was held out to him, and he took it, taking a slow drag and enjoying his best friend's calming presence by his side. He handed it back.

"This is all insane."

Sirius huffed a tired breath. "Yeah, it really is."

James settled down on the inclined roof. "You know I saw Zabini last week at the Ministry?" He took a slow drag and then exhaled a puff of smoke, it slowly taking the form of a familiar four-legged patronus with antlers.

Sirius grinned as he settled down beside his friend, and he took the cigarette as the stag began to prance proudly around in a circle just a foot above them. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled a thin stream of white smoke that was almost instantly turning into a bounding dog. "How'd he look? Still fit?"

James let out a laugh as their two clouds of smoke began to roughhouse, James's stag lowering its head in a clear challenge as Sirius's dog jumped around and barked at it silently, its tail wagging excitedly. "Moony would kill you if he heard that."

Sirius smiled. "Yeah, that's how I know he cares." He let his chest rise slowly and then fall before saying, "Who do you think's going to die next?"

James took another drag and then said around escaping smoke, "If I had to guess?"

Sirius turned his head and looked at his friend, who was being publicly targeted by Voldemort, a worry overtaking him and making it hard to meet the impish grin pointed at him. He forced it. "Yeah, I'm thinking a Hufflepuff."

James said nothing and then burst into laughter, Sirius joining in. "Guess it's good I'm not going to Diggory's bachelor party this weekend then."

Sirius found himself laughing harder at that. "It'll be a killer party for sure."

James rolled onto his side, facing Sirius as he laughed even harder. "That's, that's really not funny."

Sirius shook his head, grinning, his breaths heavy, and he found James's shoulder resting against his as the wizard settled back onto his back once more with a sigh.

He yawned, and rubbed his palms into suddenly tired eyes. "Think I might just sleep up here."

"On the roof?" James let out a tired sounding laugh. "It is kinda nice up here, feels like the astronomy tower a bit."

"Yeah." Sirius grinned. "All we need is some more firewhiskey."

James hummed. "Yeah, loads of firewhiskey and roof sleeping, sounds like a plan Lily would approve."

Sirius laughed softly. "Maybe next time." He sniffed, as he studied the two animagus clouds napping side-by-side, his dog lying on its back, one of its hind legs twitching as it shifted closer to James's stag, who bumped its shaggy shoulder with its velvety nose before settling its chin back down, their backcloth a perfectly clear starry night. "I love you guys, Prongs—You, Harry and Lily—I'll do everything I can to keep you all safe."

"Love you too, Pads," was said back tiredly, a hand ruffling his hair sloppily.


	93. EPILOGUE I

* * *

   _31st of October, 1981_

* * *

"No..."

He couldn't be.

" _No_."

Grey eyes stared down into unseeing hazel orbs behind round-rimmed glasses.

"Nonononono."

Sirius dropped down onto his knees, amidst knocked over furniture and broken glass in the room he'd visited just the week before, the only sound registering an odd rushing noise roaring in his ears, horror and grief filling him as one like some poisonous concoction, suffocating him as he looked upon his unmoving friend.

_He was dead._

" _James, no..."_

A jagged breath was sucked in. He was dead. James was _dead_. His lungs seized, convulsing and refusing to work. It couldn't—

"J-ames, _no_!" And a sob tore from his chest, as his world suddenly came crashing down over him, his very soul feeling like it might rip in half so it could pass on with the wizard lying before him.

He'd never speak to him _again_. He'd never laugh with him again. He'd never joke with him again or hit him or hug him or _anything_ again. _Nothing_. He was gone, **forever** , and it was _all_ his fault. James had asked, he had asked him to protect him—he and Lily and Harry—he'd trusted him _implicitly_ , and he had turned it all over to _Peter_.

A strangled noise escaped numb lips as grief held a fury as wild as fiendfyre behind locked doors. _It was all his fault. He had done this to him. He had killed James. And Lily. He had killed them both-_

An inhuman sound tore from his chest, and he reached down and pulled his best friend in the world up against him, hugging his cold body against his warm one, pressing his cheek against his, trying to heat him, to bring him back somehow. If only he could trade places. It should have been _him_ , not James, not Prongs. "Prongs, please, _please_..." An inhale jerked his chest violently, his eyes burning, and hot tears began to roll down his cheeks and he curled into his friend, burying his face into impossibly wild black hair that he couldn't imagine living without, his grip tightening on the wizard, not willing to let go. He couldn't.

 _James was gone_.

" _NOOOOOO-O!"_ The broken cry rang through the dark night at Godric's Hollow and under a green cloud of smoke.

* * *

   _7th of June, 1994_

* * *

Pale fingers traced over crimson letters secured to a familiar black wall, 'Gryffindor' still hanging proudly in its crimson and gold, if a little crooked, over a certain king-sized bed at Twelve Grimmauld.

Lips pulled up wistfully to one side, and Sirius Black swallowed, his mouth and throat dry as he remembered James's poster having been stuck in his school trunk so many years ago, whether by accident or on purpose by his best friend he still didn't know.

A vivid memory of the wild-haired wizard with his impish grin and infectious laugh from years before filled his mind, and he felt a sharp pang in the very center of his chest from an old wound that didn't seem to know how to heal.

The tall wizard lowered down to sit on the edge of his old bed, the aged mattress creaking in protest underneath, and he looked around, taking in the space.

The dark walls and solid furniture around him still stood exactly like he remembered, albeit heavy with dust; the floor by his bed had the dried up remains of cigarette butts littering it, and there were empty bottles of liquor on his nightstand, one with a spider who'd built quite the impressive cobweb inside. His parents obviously had put his rooms off limits even to the elves after he'd left. They'd fixed the door though...

He rubbed at his face, ignoring the sharp scruff covering his cheeks, running along his jaw too, and the chapped feel of his skin. What was he doing back here? He should have burned the place down instead of ever setting foot back inside it, gone off to an island somewhere with the money that had been left to him, and drowned himself in alcohol and crystal clear sea water. He could've asked—He stopped himself short. _No_. No, that wouldn't help.

The wizard let out a steadying breath that shook a little at the end mockingly, tired hands resting on his lap curling into fists. Anyway, he knew he couldn't leave, not with Harry and... well, Harry might need him; that was all that mattered now.

His gaze dropped to his lap, and he watched on as his hands began to shake ever so slightly, and he clenched his jaw, struggling to keep his mind from wandering to where it wanted to go.

He'd done well for so long, he'd not thought about it for so many years. Not at Azkaban, that was for sure. No, he would've been gone before he'd known it if he had. When he'd gotten out, he'd focused all his attention on avenging his lost friends. He'd even seen him. He'd seen him, touched him and had kept himself together for it all.

Well, as together as he could be anymore... An unhinged laugh escaped cracked lips at the depressing admission, and he finally gave in.

Books. Soft sandy blond hair. Warm hazel eyes. A quiet smile that curled mischievously at the most unexpected times.

Remus Lupin.

Olive-hued skin, that was marked over and over again by a dark side that only a few ever saw. Strong muscles that flexed under the slightest intimate touch. A rich, smooth voice that roughened when behind closed doors.

Remus.

Soft lips that calmed the always there festering inside his chest. Strong hands that grabbed onto him for stability, making him feel strong. Unconditional love that made him believe he deserved it.

 _Moony_.

The most important person in his life had thought he'd given up Lily and James to Voldemort the entire time he was in Azkaban.

He should have been furious, betrayed, he should _hate_ him now—Grey eyes closed.—but he couldn't. He could never hate him. He just felt a lightening in his mind whenever he thought on it, and then a hollowness deep inside his chest that caused it to shake with an unsteady laughter, his mind and body refusing to address it properly. He didn't blame Remus though. After all he'd had his own misgivings...

Dirty fingers ran up into shaggy hair that didn't really feel like hair anymore, twisting themselves into it and pulling to try to stop unwanted memories. He'd thought he was hallucinating when he'd seen the sandy blond in the shack a few days back. He'd not been in his right mind, not with Peter so close. He'd been giddy, murderously so. He'd barely recognized him at first. But then he'd smiled down at him.

The wizard wrapped his arms around his too thin frame, suddenly feeling cold. Too cold. He began to rock where he sat, the creaking of the mattress setting him more on edge. He shouldn't be here. There were certain to be boggarts, and he had no doubts as to what they'd be.

A door from below opened, jerking Sirius back to the present, like a bucket of water to the face, and then it shut again...

The tall wizard found himself standing up as quiet footsteps sounded down the long entryway. He pulled his wand out from his slacks, stepping carefully over creaky floorboards as he made his way for the open doorway, and then he was in the hallway. He began to trail down it carefully, portraits silent but watching, lit sconces flickering as he passed.

His fingers tightened around his wand as he reached near the end, the footsteps below having just silenced, and then he was peering just over the banister, and he froze.

He sucked in a silent breath as he took the last few steps needed to bring him around and to the top of the stairway, and he was looking down at the wizard he'd least expected to ever see at Twelve Grimmauld.

Hazel eyes stared up at him.

"Remus," he croaked.

The sandy blond wizard stood, breathing heavily and holding his trunk he'd had since first year. He dropped it, not seeming to notice as the piece of luggage fell onto its side with an ineloquent thud by his feet. "I. I needed to see you, again," he said, his voice rough, "I hope... I hope you don't mind."

Sirius found himself making his way down dusty stairs, his legs moving of their own volition, his heart tapping out a special beat that would be worrisome if it weren't so familiar.

He stopped just at the bottom, leaving a couple feet of space between them so he didn't make any mistakes. He couldn't believe he was standing there, after everything that had happened between them; he'd 'needed to see him.' He smiled gently as a small warmth kindled inside his cold chest. "No, of course not. You can stay as long as you'd like."

* * *

  _One Week Later_  

* * *

"Do you not like it anymore?"

Sirius looked up from the full plate of food before him. Remus was standing, with his own plate in hand, and he slowly lowered into the seat directly across from him, still waiting, when Sirius didn't respond.

He looked back down at the generous serving of chicken and potatoes, his once favorite dish. "No, I do, I think... it's just... you cook?"

Remus let out a laugh, causing Sirius to grin a little as the sandy blond relaxed in Regulus's old chair. "Yeah, I learned a while back. It's a helpful skill when you live alone."

Sirius lifted dark brows. "Ah." He looked back down with a frown, refusing to recall all the meals he'd cooked for the wizard after Hogwarts or the numerous memories of Mrs. Potter having taught him all her favorite dishes the month before he'd moved out of Potter Manor.

He picked up his fork and took a bite of potato, feeling strange eating at the long black table again, and with Remus to boot.

"This is strange, isn't it?"

Sirius found himself looking up again, and he grinned at his friend, the expression feeling heavy. "Yeah, it is." He took a bite of chicken, chewing slowly. Everything felt strange to him though. Remus had been at Twelve Grimmauld for a week now, and he couldn't find the energy or mental stability to do more than answer the questions he was asked, which were mainly tailored to his current health. He could tell his old friend was worried about him, but he just really wanted to sleep and keep to himself as Padfoot the longer he was at Twelve Grimmauld. It was easier in the animagus form, less complicated, and really he'd gotten used to it after so long. Twelve years.

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah, I do. Thanks, Remus," he said with a nod, not looking up, and forced another bite for the wizard's benefit, instead of getting up and leaving like he suddenly wanted to. They'd not eaten together all week, and it wasn't by oversight. Some of his and Remus's fondest memories after Hogwarts had been at meal time, breakfast often ending with plates being pushed aside, sometimes falling off to be charmed back together later as an undressed Remus had taken their place on his back, and Sirius leaning over and pushing into him over and over—He held antsy feet still and his gaze firmly down as he stabbed another bite of chicken a little too hard. He took another bite.

"I've found a place to stay."

Grey eyes turned up. Sirius swallowed. "Oh?"

Remus nodded, setting his fork down, not looking like he'd even taken a bite yet. "Yeah, I can move in tomorrow morning."

Sirius felt himself nod. "Oh, good," he heard himself say.

Remus smiled tightly at him and then picked his fork back up and took a bite.

* * *

"Thanks for dinner," Sirius said a half hour later as he walked into the sitting room with Remus in tow, not feeling like going to his bedroom and locking himself in there for the first time since he'd arrived. He'd be gone in the morning. He should've expected the news, really, he'd been a terrible host.

"It's the least I could do after you let me stay all week."

Sirius nodded, and he found himself sitting on the same sofa on which he'd shared sweets with Dumbledore before first. Remus took the cushion two down, and then he let out a familiar heavy breath.

"Sirius, I should-"

"Don't." Sirius met his friend's guilty gaze. Hazel eyes widened. "Don't apologize again."

Remus nodded, and then they settled into a silence.

Sirius studied the wizard beside him. He looked basically the same, his clothes were patched though in places, and he had grey hairs mixed in with sandy ones, making him look in his opinion somehow a mixture of quirky and elegant. He felt his lips try to tug up at the corners. "Can I ask you a question?" When sandy brows lifted imploringly he motioned to the skin over his own lip. "What's this?"

Remus quirked a small grin.

Sirius found himself returning the sentiment. "I mean, I'd understand if it were a full beard, because you didn't want to be bothered, but a mustache. It's just so..."

"So...?" Remus asked, his smile growing, the skin around hazel eyes crinkling cutely.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Masculine."

Remus let out a warm laugh, that echoed inside the wizard's chest wistfully without his permission. "What are you saying about me?"

Sirius shrugged, and he tugged at the solid crimson tie he'd worn just to eat with the sandy blond. "Just that I like it."

Remus laughed again. "Lies."

And Sirius smiled, a warmth flooding his chest and the organ beating inside it, that had felt frozen ever since he'd lost James. "I've missed you, Remus."

Remus's smiled faltered, and he blinked a few times. "...I've missed you too."

Sirius swallowed hard, looking down, his voice suddenly rough. "Even when you thought I turned over Lily and James?"

A sharp breath was sucked in. "Sirius, I'm—

"I turned down James because of you," he said before Remus could go on, "It's why I talked him into Peter."

"I..."

Sirius licked dry lips, carefully treading over emotions threatening to overflow. "I thought you'd defected... because of the werewolf rights Voldemort was promising, and I didn't know what to do."

There was no response.

"You were right to blame me though, for Lily... and James... I'm the reason they're dead. If I'd just trusted you none of this would have happened."

"Sirius, _no_." The dark-haired wizard looked up, Remus shifting closer but not touching him. "You did your best, just like everyone else who fought to keep them safe. James wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

"I still hear his voice sometimes, and I'll think he's there, and I'll go to answer him." Sirius felt a small laugh slip from his lips, his eyes burning. "And Harry looks _just_ like him... I miss him, Remus, _so much._ I don't know how to get over it."

"I know."

The dark-haired wizard stood up at that, blinking a few times to clear his eyes. He glanced around the dim room, not meeting the wizard's gaze, not wanting to know what emotion was there. "I should get some sleep, I'll see you off in the morning." 

* * *

Sirius stood in his old bathroom, determined, wand in hand.

He lifted it, pointing it at his head and then focused carefully before waving it at unruly black locks. He leaned forward then to inspect his haircut, it was a little longer than when he was in school, but it suited his more angular features. He lifted his wand again and removed his pathetic-looking beard.

He looked at himself, searching. His features were the same, just more refined with aging and needing to put on weight. He was still Sirius Black, even if he didn't feel like it that much anymore. Even if he didn't have James Potter anymore. Even if he and Remus would never be together again.

He leaned forward again, and then closer, staring at grey eyes up close. He took in a measured breath and then blinked slowly before refocusing.

There was darkness, a swirling darkness that he knew, that had kept him company for more than a decade inside Azkaban's cell walls. Screaming and unhinged laughter tried to fill his mind, but he shoved it away with a newfound determination, and he strained his vision, searching - and then he saw it.

A glimmer.

He let out a tight breath and turned away from the mirror, his heart just beating, but it _hurt_. He'd be fine. He'd be there for Harry, just like James would've wanted, that's all that mattered. 

* * *

Sirius lay in his bed, staring up at a black ceiling, not feeling tired in the least, his last week of mostly sleeping seeming to have finally kicked in. He started to roll onto his side when his door opened.

"Sirius?" was whispered.

Grey eyes widened, and then Sirius's curtains were being pulled back, and he found Remus standing outside his bed. He pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Something wrong?"

Remus shook his head, and Sirius's brows furrowed. Then Remus nodded, and dark brows lifted questioningly. "I couldn't sleep."

"Oh..."

"Can I join you?" was blurted.

Sirius blinked a few times. He noticed the wizard start to back up, and he forced out, "Yeah, come on in, Remus."

The sandy blond hesitated for a second and then climbed in. Then green curtains fell shut once more, and Sirius found himself lying next to the man he'd once loved. "This brings back memories," he said wryly.

"Should I go?"

Sirius said nothing, but he reached out, grabbing the wizard's arm without looking over when he started to shift away. "No, it's fine." He felt heat began to build up in a familiar but almost forgotten way where they were touching, and his thumb began to trace along the soft underside of Remus's forearm, back and forth. "As long as you don't mind my touching you," he amended quietly.

"I don't," was said back in a matching tone, "You can touch me as much as you want."

Sirius found his lips curling up, and he rolled onto his side. "You do know I've been in prison for twelve years, you might want to reconsider that."

"I'm well aware."

Sirius wet dry lips, and he finally asked the question that had been pressing on his mind for too long, his voice rough, almost pleading: "Why'd you think I did it?"

Remus didn't say anything, and Sirius thought he might leave.

"I need to know."

Remus nodded faintly. "I didn't know for sure. I thought, maybe for your family at times, that Regulus had gotten himself into trouble, and it was the only way, but mostly... I just worried you did it for me."

"Remus..."

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you where I was going all those times," Remus began, shaking his head, his expression pained and full of regret. "I wanted to, more than _anything_ , but I'd been sworn to secrecy by the Order. I'd never have hurt James, Sirius, you know that, right? You all were my family, even if he and I had our disagreements, I'd never do that to him. Or you."

Sirius closed his eyes, as emotion after emotion began to crash over him, welling in his chest. He let out a quick breath when his lungs grew too tight, the pressure growing. "I'm so sorry. I should've come to you afterward, I wasn't thinking straight, I just wanted to get Peter _so badly_." He felt a hand on his cheek. "If I'd known, Remus...-"

"It's okay." Fingertips grazed softly over his cheekbone, soothing the pain in his chest but speeding up the hammering of his heart, and then they were sinking into freshly cut black locks. "You're still so beautiful," was murmured, and Sirius leaned into the touch, not wanting to speak, afraid he was hallucinating it all, and he'd break the façade. "How did you ever see anything in me?" was whispered.

Grey eyes opened, meeting pained hazel orbs. " _Remus_ ," he said, another emotion making itself known in the too tight space behind his heart, and he shifted closer, narrowing the space between them until their bodies were almost touching, and they were sharing the same pillow. "I was lucky to _ever_ have you."

And then Sirius leaned in, his lips hovering just over Remus's, and he held himself back. "Can I?" he asked in a rough whisper, even as his nose bumped Remus's, and his lips tugged up a little, "Can I kiss you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go, hah! Please leave your thoughts!


	94. Epilogue II

Grey eyes closed as everything darkened around them.

Sirius could hear anguished screaming for him echo through his head in the absolute silence, and he could see silent hazel eyes filled with loss, the image burned into his mind's eye. It was over. He felt the weight in his chest begin to lighten, and a very small part of him fought it, but it was too small and the nothingness around him was too great.

He felt like he was floating as the pain inside him that he'd learned to accept, that he'd stopped even realizing was there began to unravel, slowly and excruciatingly. Unwinding emotions, like a ball of knots, one-by-one lifted and floated off into the vacuum of an abyss he'd been thrown into.

It was over.

He reached out to feel for something, to latch on, and he felt boney fingers reaching out in return, their touch cold and familiar, and he shivered, pulling back into himself, and he tried to right his body and orient where he was. He couldn't remember how he'd ended up in the space of nothingness he was floating in. He couldn't remember anything, and he felt nothing. He was alone.

* * *

"Padfoot."

"Pads."

" _Sirius_."

Skin pinched around closed eyes.

"Sirius, _wake up_ , you lazy arse." There was some indistinct rustling. "I swear, Lily, he's like a fucking Sleeping Beauty. If Moony showed up right now, he'd be all bright-eyed and annoying again just like that."

Grey eyes opened, blinking rapidly, and then they clenched back shut when a bright light invaded them, like it wanted to blind him. Sirius groaned and rolled over. "Holy shit, turn that light down."

"Can't do it, you're just going to have to get used to it like we did," responded an unexpected familiar voice. "Come on. _Get up_."

Sirius groaned. He was hallucinating. He hesitated... "James, is that you?" He felt the soft ground shift under him, and he realized he was on a bed. He felt a warm breath on his neck and ear.

"Of course it is, Pads, don't tell me you don't remember your best mate after only fourteen years, and after all we had together," was whispered glibly.

Sirius clenched his eyes shut even more at the taunting voice of his dead best friend, and he covered his head and ears with his arms to block out the voice and breath. He'd lost it finally-

There was a barking laugh, and the bed bounced around him annoyingly. "No you haven't lost it, you're just dead too-"

"James Charlus Potter!" came another familiar voice angrily. "Why would you tell him like that?"

"Because he's acting like a fucking bird, like he always does when he's upset. Look at him, not waking up until I mention Moony and refusing to get up now that he is, he's going to lie there until Remus kicks it I bet." The bed lifted around Sirius as the voice that sounded like his best friend continued to grumble. "He's just as bad as he was when we were alive, no fun at all if he thinks he can't have Remus..."

" _James_."

Sirius breathed in slowly, his face pressed firmly against soft sheets as he listened to the suddenly private conversation. He was dead. He felt like he'd already known that somehow, because it didn't surprise him like it should.

"What? All I'm saying is, I mean... after _you-know-what_ , there's no guarantee he'll even show up, and we can't just leave him here to wait, because he might go with... well, you know... We might be all he has, because I'm not going to let his parents get ahold of him, he belongs with us, we're his family more than they ever were."

Sirius looked up when there was a pause. "What's that?" He squinted as he pushed himself upright, his vision slowly clearing as he glanced between his two dead friends, an unsettledness pooling inside him somewhere he could no longer define at the oddly elusive words.

James rushed forward and pulled him into a hug, and he grinned a little, hugging him back.

" _Finally_ , Pads, you were really starting to worry us. What took you so long?"

Sirius ruffled his friend's wild hair and found his vision focusing on a softly smiling Lily, who was dressed in a white summer dress, her fiery red hair hanging loose in soft curls. "Hey Lils, sorry for worrying you."

The witch quirked a mischievous smile. "It's okay, I only had to listen to James whine about it every few minutes."

Sirius laughed, and he patted his best friend on the back as they broke their embrace. He looked around the once all white room, and it slowly began to take on the look of his and his friends' dormitory at Hogwarts. He lifted a brow. "You and Lily stay here?"

James straightened up and pulled Lily close, placing a kiss on her cheek, and reminding Sirius of better times. "No, we've just been waiting here for your tired arse."

Sirius nodded at that, and he looked around, realizing he'd been lying on what would have been a certain sandy-blond's bed. He glanced back up, and he found his two friends shooting him matching looks of poorly veiled trepidation.

He ignored it and stood up, his body feeling suddenly heavy as he moved away from the bed. He smoothed his hair, and pretended he didn't feel like he was suddenly sinking—like a part of him was missing, like it had twisted itself off and had abandoned him—as he was closely scrutinized, seemingly just to check for that exact thing.

"Well enough of this place then, show me your digs here."

* * *

Sirius sat on a rooftop, alone, James and Lily beneath, inside.

He scrubbed at his seventeen year old face that was perpetually smooth with one hand, and he lifted a freshly lit fag that had appeared out of thin air to his lips. Again.

He took a slow drag, closing his eyes and enjoying the heat, the sky around him bright. It was always bright for some reason. Lily and James didn't seem to mind though.

He exhaled heavily as a war waged amongst the living. He sniffed and rubbed the side of his nose with a knuckle, the embers from his cigarette faintly heating his face, almost reminding him of the sun as he quietly followed every moment.

He leaned back onto the slanted rooftop, and a small smile crept up the corners of his mouth around his cigarette as Lily and James talked softly over how proud they were of Harry. James had slowly mellowed the longer Sirius had been awake, and Lily had said more than once in private with him that he was welcome to stay inside. With them.

He took another drag, closing his eyes as Remus and his little cousin, who had grown quite accomplished in her morphing abilities since his passing, fought separately.

He'd considered taking Lily up on the offer, it'd felt more genuine than he could've imagined and his urge to find a place he could stay, to find peace, was growing each day... but something was holding him back. He was still new to this after-life world he'd been pushed into by another much-less-likable cousin, but something told him if he accepted their offer Remus would never find him.

He stubbed out his cigarette on red shingles, and he blew a cloud of fragrant smoke out from relaxed lips even as Remus fought with a vengeance, the man he knew barely recognizable physically, and emotionally, he was even worse off. He'd stopped taking care of himself, had greyed obscenely fast, and there was a recklessness to his fighting that both concerned Sirius as well as fueled a guilty but persistent hope that refused to die with the rest of him.

He paused suddenly.

Lily below let out a soft gasp, and James swore.

Sirius didn't blink. He didn't move at all, his fingers still pressing a snuffed cigarette into blood red shingles, his thoughts freezing too.

"Oh, oh Remus," Lily said even more softly.

Then all of a sudden he was standing, and faintly he heard James shout his name, sounding without a doubt absolutely terrified, but he was already jumping off the roof.

He landed on his feet, and then he was running.

His legs carried him blindly over ground that was quickly losing its appearance of the road that lead away from the Godric's Hollow look alike. The houses around him began to fade, losing their shape too the more space he put between himself and James and Lily, and the sky began to darken.

He found himself running down a wet, blackened road he'd hoped to never see again, old townhouses suddenly looming on either side, each one looking the same.

He ignored them, forcing burning legs harder, refusing to slow, the impulse to do so there even as he felt claw-like hands without flesh grab out at him, scratching and stinging his skin. He pushed on down the seemingly never-ending street, and just when his legs felt like they might give out the air in front of him began to darken to an ominous pitch-black, enveloping him more with each step, a cold nothingness trying to crawl into him, and he gritted his teeth and reached out when he heard something distinctly familiar, ignoring the fear that it might not be what he thought.

He closed his fingers around something solid, and he tightened his hold with all his strength when it began to be pulled away, refusing to let go even as he felt like he was spinning and falling, losing his way and himself the harder he held on. The air grew too thick to breathe, and his knuckles ached as he was whipped around violently, his grip beginning to slip—but then suddenly—he felt a searing pain shoot up his wrist and into his arm. He realized his hand was being squeezed back, but before he could register what it meant he felt an arm wrap around him.

" _Sirius_ , you came for me." Everything stilled, and the pain disappeared.

Sirius let the air in his lungs escape him all at once, the sound fleeing with it low but filled with a relief that made his chest shake as he recognized the voice, and arms fervently wrapped around him he'd thought he'd lost forever. "Remus, I've been waiting for you."

"After all that happened, I - I didn't know if you'd still want to..."

Youthful grey eyes met once again young hazel orbs, that held an uncertainty in them that didn't belong there.

Sirius pressed in closer, breathing in the sandy blond's presence deeply, and nothing else mattered. "Nothing could've changed my mind," he said in response, softly. " _Nothing_."

The dark-haired wizard felt the sky grow lighter around them until it was a perfect violet, red and orange-tinged glow just outside arched windows inside Gryffindor Tower.

A soft, spring breeze that smelled of freshly cut grass and blooming flowers teased crimson curtains lazily as Sirius met curled-up lips that made his heart skip a beat.

Fingers slid through his hair that caused the breath in his lungs to hum with utter contentment, and he shifted closer over cool, wrinkled sheets until he was pressed up against the body that set his soul on fire. "Stay with me here, Remus," he murmured, his words a gentle plea.

Remus met his lips, nodding adamantly as he did, and Sirius smiled when he continued to do so over and over, without any hint at stopping, a warmth filling him from head to toe that was better than any other feeling he could imagine, and then he heard: "Yes. Forever, Sirius."

-THE END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I forgot to post this. I really hope you enjoy it. This story was and always will be the work closest to my heart. Thank you all for reading, and please leave your thoughts behind as I hold a special place in my mind for anyone who has read through this entire story; I truly do love to hear from you. Much love.


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